Bone Appetit #7: Ask a Necromancer

[B]Ask a Necromancer[/B]

Continuing [I]The Diablo Times[/I]? commitment to our readers, we present Dr. Gil McSouleater?s ?Ask a Necromancer? column of helpful advice for troubled, er, souls. Dr. Gil?s considered wisdom may have helped tens of people across America and the world, and now it?s a available to you! So no matter how unimaginably embarrassing your current difficulty may be, feel perfectly at ease displaying it before everyone in this public forum. Dr. Gil, armed with nothing more than your poorly-worded description of the problem and absolutely no direct interaction with you, can recommend a course of action liberally spiced with good ole boy sayings, that is guaranteed to sound helpful!

Dear Doctor Gil,

My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married soon, probably before our third child is born in March. But lately he seems to go out of his way to spend time with my sister. He says he is just trying to be part of my family, but it seems like he picks her up from the school bus stop almost every day! Should I be worried?

– Knocked up again in Birmingham.

Dear Knocked Up,

Raising the dead is not to be attempted without careful preparation. After disemboweling the corpse, arrange the entrails in the usual manner, and immediately anoint the cadaver with warm mammal?s blood. Take care when entering the Afterlife Trance, distraction is your foremost peril. And as always, fresh bodies are the best.

Dear Dr. McSouleater,

My mother in law is coming to visit us again in February. I know I need to respect this woman and be nice to her, but every time she comes it?s the same old thing: Constant little pointed comments about my cooking ability, the cleanliness of our house, and how I raise my children. I go through the trouble of making baloney sandwiches for dinner, and she turns her nose up and bustles off to the kitchen to make some Italian nonsense. Even if its not laundry day (second Thursday of each odd month), she backs her pickup truck up to the guest bedroom window and loads our dirty clothes for a trip to the laundry mat. If I send the kids out to play in the abandoned warehouse next to the Catholic priest training school, she insists on taking them for ice cream instead. I?m just sick of it, but I don?t want to offend my husband?s family. What should I do?

– Fed up with Mom

Dear Fed Up,

I have found that transmuting a rotting corpse into a debilitating cloud of noxious gas is best performed within enclosed areas with little dispersing wind. You are far more likely to catch your enemies within the explosion of rotting flesh if they are limited in their escape paths.

Dear Dr. Gil,

I am currently on a regimen of Prednisone, Vicodin, OxyContin, and St John?s Wort (for the hallucinations). Occasionally I need to take Nexadim or Allegra, but only if I have been binge drinking. My medical advisor wants to take me off Vicodin in favor of some new experimental drug called Special K, but I?m not sure it will help with the twitches and sleep driving. My son in law, who has some pharmaceutical experience, says I should really try something called ?White Cross? and maybe ?Black Beauties,? but I don?t know anything about these medicines. Can you help me? Please oh God please help me. Ahaldkil hgflk galokdjhfp aglkjd

– addfkjf

Dear addfkjf,

From the left side of your torso, just below the third rib, remove a section of flesh as long and wide as the last digit of your thumb, but it need be no larger. While reciting the Veil of Life and Death incantation, mold your Golem from earth, bone, and the flesh of your body. Disinfect thoroughly.

[I]Note: Thanks to The Onion for the inspiration, but the poor execution is mine alone.[/I]

[B]Disclaimer: [/B]Bone App?tit is and written by Osteomata (Jack Likens) and hosted by Diii.net. The views expressed in this column are those of the author, and are not necessarily the opinions of Diii.net.