Askungen: So, the prodigal chronicler returns. What feeble excuse may he present for his inattention to more important matters, we all wonder? And voted to ask about too, with every proper procedure.
Maltatai: The summer was insanely hot in my home, which we northern barbarians are unused to. It is said to have been the worst in over two centuries. Not made any better by the fact that the last year we have lived in an apartment with lots of windows facing southwest...and no trees or roof or anything shading the building...
Askungen: Poor you! Have you no fire resistance? You seem to live a more normal life usually - albeit with loads of weird stuff - so you would only need 75% to make a big difference. Is your wedding ring enchanted, for example?
Maltatai: Not in that way, at least. We are a bit backward. Magical crafting in my world is in its infancy.
Askungen: Ah, moving forward with limitless energy and exploring all new areas and avenues?
Maltatai: No, not really.
Askugnen: But that is how Mini-Maltatai is!
Maltatai: Oh, right, point conceded. The expression refers more to, like, an egg yet to hatch.
Askungen: ...wait... Not a SPIDER egg, surely?
Maltatai: No. Not necessarily a spider egg.
Askungen: Pheew! You said you had lived in that greenhouse effect place. Does that mean you have moved?
Maltatai: Yes, and now we have trees outside shading a little garden outside. Much better!
Askungen: Haha! You have escaped the hot scorching Act II and now you are in the Act III!
Maltatai: With...the giant horrifying spiders? There actually live quite a few spiders on the outside of the house now that I think of it...
Askungen: AAAAAAAH!!!
"Askungen runs away in terror"
Maltatai: Aw, they are not that scary...
Very well, someone ELSE who has moved form Act II to Act III is none other than RAPUNZEL who we will be interviewing just about soon! Ha! What a bridge1 What a transition! What a transfer, worthy of the silliest news presenter turning the casting over to the meteorologist (very useful when sorceresses are close and its raining meteors). And, here is the Whatever-the-clock news, no less!
Rapunzel has landed safely in Kurast, which is totally safe as everyone knows. Leeching and fresh life power abounds, ready to be assimilated! Nutritious fetishes and gnarly fiber-filled hulks for everyone! And then of course the poison-filled maggots and icky spiders, which are more alike, say, when you order a pan pizza with less cheese and more tomato and gets the opposite by the ignorant establishment. Which is irritating, but not worthy of becoming a retold legend.
Far more irritating was Sszark who was not Sszark the burning nut (I was meaning to write "but" here but mistyped it, however, Sszark the burning nut turned out funny too) Sszark the sparkling for he had loaded himself with the classic mischief of lightning enchantment and stone skin. His minions have been less notable and more chilled to the mandible.
After the chest-seeing eye has been released and able to resume its century-long rivalry with the more well-known sightless eye, Rapunzel has encountered many of the blood-sucking creatures living as parasites upon the jungle and its denizens, and even the societies of Sanctuary as a whole.
Look here! An Swedish estate broker attacking the decoy above the stone pillar! How hideous! Truly the corruption of Kurast is hellish to behold!
And this maggot, a vile namesake of the absolutely horrible fiend that Askungen and Ip encountered which was dual immune, teleporting and lightning enchanted. Rapunzel had less trouble with hers for she could switch to specialized gear to counteract the particular abilities. Glory to the wardrobes!
The nefarious spiders tried many foul tricks against the arbiter. Askungen would be even more terrified at the thought of the minion-disrupting Gut Drinker - preventing healing, cursing and spreading damage across the whole screen when hit. And Blight Pus, obviously being a degraded parody of green poison users, was meticulously prepared to withstand the elements while simultaneously punishing melee attackers with his lightning.
The same was needed when juicy flayers and slow hulks gave way to the watered down drowned corpses and the insubstantial yet substantially troubling gloams. Even with good resistance, those lightning bolts hurt. And one can not hope to leech back enough to compensate from those lifeless husks and wisps. Therefore, it is best to switch defensive measures entirely. Lightning absorption and regeneration is better than half as much magic damage reduction and life leeching in this instance.
Curiously, the smoky gloams are susceptible to the poison javelins, as are the big scary trees. Ooze Fang...that must be a carnivorous plant.
In Sweden it is currently no less than the election day and the bickering Amazons are of course enthusiastically debating the merits about this or that ideological standpoint or issue just to amuse themselves.
Rapunzel: Tell me about it...
Maltatai: Hello Rapunzel....I mean of course, welcome our special guest and general political expert Rapunzel!
Rapunzel: Have I now been opportunistically hurled into a base news reporting? I understand that I shall have reason to beware and brace for deliberately dim-witted questions and arguments intended to provoke short and provokingly generalizing answers to agitate and amuse the crowd?
Maltatai: Nah, that is more of the political television debate between party leaders. I was aiming for the setting with snobbish experts having a laid back discussion in a sofa to give it a cozy appearance to the crowd.
Rapunzel: Fine, fine...so your election day is the 9:th of september?
Maltatai: No, it is set to the second Sunday of the month, used to be the third earlier. There was actually a rather funny commercial from the Swedish election administration authority years back that pointed out that on this day, you had an excellent excuse to get away for a while, and showing various uncomfortable and awkward social situations. Quite witty and a bit self-ironic for an official organ, very nice indeed.
Very well, the first issue of today is economy. As any player character knows, economy is important. Without plans for mana financing you will likely fail miserably in forcing your policy on the enemy monsters. Rapunzel, how would you characterize the economical questions in the current political climate?
Rapunzel: It has not escaped my attention that the question is vague and imprecise to the point where it is really just an invitation to babble randomly about whatever aspect of the issue that strikes my fancy.
Maltatai: Sadly yes. Being a news show the Whatever-the-clock news has to keep itself below certain standards.
Rapunzel: You mean
above certain standards...oh, right, television news show, of course. Very well, arbitrary musings from the arbiter.
Given the general importance of economical questions they are surprisingly absent in themselves. One of the most classical differences between the left and right wing politics is the view of taxation. Red views centre on higher taxes and higher official involvement to stabilize an otherwise rampant financial situation is golden, while blue views stress that private enterprising left to grow will generate such an economic boost that it, coupled with reduced costs in official involvement, will actually generate more income than the red policy. This issue would seem to be one of the absolute roots of any traditional left- or right wing policy, which your parliament remains rather dominated by even with the gradual centering during the latest decade.
But the financing is nearly only brought up alongside other issues, as a sub-argument reinforcing this or that standpoint that is closer to the party's heart. More funds to the police, extra investments in education, raised or lowered taxes to promote this or that important sector. But where is the great picture? Especially given the impact of the QUITE recent financial crisis's and the seemingly chronic risk-taking and over-loaning of the far too almightily important estate market. Would it not be in everyone's interest to take and scrutinize steps to prevent these kinds of royal screw-ups among the risk-taking, not to say outright gambling, of irresponsible decision makers and to determine just what kind of state support and investment has been and should be poured into the mess and for what revenue? A character with no plan for being hit by a mana burning boss is a FOOL.
Moving on among the inconsistencies let us take a closer look at what economical facts are in fact discussed and promoted. It is like most other things centered on the migration area - I resist the word "question" or "issue" as it consists of a number of major issues - which is without any doubt the main topic in this election. Here costs and calculations are heatedly mentioned as an argument but not presented. In some outstandingly curious cases it has even been stressed in debates that presenting the costs or economical effects of migration would be xenophobic. Despite the fact that the same group had also been pointing out that migration had a positive economical effect in the area in question. Very odd indeed. One of the - very few - facts that both blocks could agree upon regarding migration was and is that it represents a profound demographic change of the kingdom. Should not one of the first orders of the day be to analyze just what that profound demographic change will mean for ones ability to finance policy? And certainly questions can and likely will be disagreed about when it comes to how such effects can be calculated but not about whether or not one should attempt to calculate them and present the result at all.
To illustrate, opinions differ on whether or not sniping enemies from afar is
A: a viable tactic at all and
B: a concept that you can base your entire skill set, equipment and tactics on.
I myself tend to agree with A but not with B due to the many involuntarily close situations with claw vipers, temple stairtraps, Duriel and so on. But neither I nor the most ferevent propagators like the bowazons or the most stubborn critics like the javazons would even dream of discounting the importance of mana cost, damage type and leeching ability when discussing this. The idea that the publication of a table of guided arrow skill levels or a damage calculator would in itself be for or against either side is simply preposterous.
Environmental issues are, just like in Sanctuary, a ticking bomb that will seek you out if you are not very careful...
Where to begin, even?
Another striking similarity is attachment to ideas without a serious study to precede their feasibility. And I do not count situations when ideas are claimed to be of superior ethical merit, which can not really be studied and concluded, but claims that a certain decision or policy will result in a certain outcome. In my case exemplified by the irrational love of the Goblin Toe light battle boots that I have become infected by from Maltatai and many others. I frankly do not even need them but the thought of being able to use them is ALLURING! I mean,
Goblin Toe? What cuter item could be imagined to spawn (except of course Boo the hamster)?
Now, which of the many examples shall we pick...ah, the deeply infected question of allowing private enterprise in the health or education sectors. If debates ever stayed on any sort of level of reason and objectivity that is long, long gone. There are now plenty of proponents of allowing or disallowing enterprising and profits in such sectors. But proponents of thorough analyzing of the situation and of thorough argumentation are a nigh extinct breed. Let us dive into the health sector to start with.
Is profiting on healthcare unethical? That question can not be determined by studies of facts for it is purely a subjective moral standpoint. However, if profiting on healthcare is unethical or ethical, then a number of things should logically be the same. A company selling healthcare at steep rates to those able to afford steep rates profits on healthcare. A doctor selling healthcare at steep rates to the hospital that hires the doctor profits on healthcare. The former is damned by the same parties that celebrate the later. One can ask why, for the logic is not inherent. There may actually be several reasons for making such a difference, but those are not being explained to the public which is only fed the rabid slogans that profiting on the infirm is immoral and must be abolished... Pathetic.
Meanwhile, proponents of the opposite course - often, at least - do not seldom point to the fact that increased diversity and the customers ability to choose will ensure quality in the healthcare as incompetent providers are outcompeted. There are several beneficial things with being able to choose between providers of ANY kind of service and to some extent it will certainly be possible from a patients viewpoint to weed out the idiots. But why is it that none admit any awareness to the inherent contradiction in that a patient, who is by definition someone who is unwell and not in his or her best shape and also by definition someone in need of medical care and expertise beyond his or her own abilities, would have the energy and expertise to provide...detailed and deep-digging scrutiny of an extremely complicated and technical profession? That is one tall order indeed. It can certainly be the case, that the benefits of opening up the sector to private enterprising and keeping it open outweighs the costs of inspecting and controlling the quality of services provided, but we are in that case talking about an entirely different depth of reasoning than what is hammered into the public in a manner which is quite...absurd.
Many paint their paradise goal clearly but few can describe the road leading to it...
Maltatai: Thank you very much, arbiter! Even in Kurast we currently see both a movement towards the center among political enemies as big stupid brutes converge on the stair in the middle of temples to trap and smash the newcomers and their uncomfortable ideas...
...as well as continued turbulence and stormy development on the far left and right since the arbiter was assailed by the immensely irritating Storm Wing!
Luckily the well known counter is quite effective if you can pull it off. First you must create a lot of space for tactical withdrawals and advances and then you must apply a great deal of grassroot politicking on the source of the trouble. Standing up and tanking the whole mob at once is inefficient, in both cases. Divide and conquer!
That will be all from the Whatever-the-clock news for this time.
Maltatai: Welcome back! About a week has passed since the Swedish election and the block politics situation is ridiculously cemented with just a seats lead for one or the other (the cast votes were recounted on one occasion resulting in a change of the lead position). The untouchable nationalist party sits in the middle as usual with none of the establishment wishing to ally with them but secretly adapting and adopting to stem the flow of voters trickling into their arms. Neither the left or right wing block can form a majority by themselves and the overtures being exchanged would make kindergarten sandbox policy makers embarrassed. One block (I don't even bother keeping track of which of them it was) extended an invitation to the other to negotiate which the other block stubbornly refused. Now the other block then extended a corresponding invitation to the first...
"We won't go to your birthday party, you have to go to our party instead! No, you have to come to our party and we not come to your party!"
The conviction of such stubborn coalitions is staggering. To get around the troublesome sentiments, one would be forced to break up the group.
Tossing in an environmental argument should do the trick. Just be careful that the falsely smiling, symbiotic, holier-than-thou politically entrenched media profiles don't explode in indignation over the pragmatism somewhere in your immediate vicinity.
Some people think that Kurast is economically stagnant and underdeveloped due to the last eras of demonic interference and current outright takeover but nothing could be further from the truth! There is a blossoming cultural sector - and not only blossoming due to the abnormal growth rate of the jungle - where, just to take one of many fascinating examples, the claw vipers are preparing to remedy their species dark and gloomy reputation by entering the over-choreographed martial arts movie industry! Director Dragon Jade intends to create a masterpiece in his own image, perhaps with the title "Burrowing Maggot, Hidden Viper", where claw viper action heroes slither through thin air with a large if non-existent middle finger raised against gravity and other mechanics of elementary physics.
The inevitable tourism that is generated by that level of celebrity will naturally require a substantial culinary and dormitory business sector to cater to the visitors needs and whims. One of the most fashionable is the Fit Hawk Wing Rice, a trendy far east (Kurast being the far east of Sanctuary) lunch restaurant with a focus on fit and healthy and nutritious versions of classical dishes, like the local hawk wings with rice. The lead chef is something of a mystery for he does not reveal himself in public appearances. However, there are subtle traces to follow for the enlightened. As you may remember from Törnrosas lectures...ramblings...the higher powers of the awesomeness of your choosing will guide worthy heroes on their path by littering the way with anagrams, words or groups of words that can be arbitrarily, but at the same time fated, rearranged to form new words which guide the reader forward.
Consider now the name of the restaurant:
Fit Hawk Wing Rice
Rearrange the letters with the aid of divine interference or Alkors late evening brew if you feel so inclined. What does this reveal about the chefs mysterious identity?
Icehawk Riftwing
True enough! Able to heat and cool the ingredients at will, teleport between the secret kitchens in the sewers and the restaurant and lastly strong enough to lift the biggest frying pans and kettles despite being, well, a slightly overgrown bat.
Mixing the carefully tested recipes with outlandish spinach is clearly not allowed. Look how angry he and his deputy chefs are! Then again, all chefs of note these day are wrathful volcanoes for some odd reasons. You never hear of the "firm but fair and constructive chef", the "kindly baker" or "The Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Café", nor has word of "Heavens Kitchen" reached anyone.
The overall movement from the left and right wing towards the centre has been a constant in the Swedish block politics the last decades. This would be a respectable thing if it was a pragmatic consideration of the need for rethinking old ideologies that were formed in a different time. Unfortunately the motivations lean far more towards spineless ever-changing policies aiming towards establishing centrist policies as ones own and damning all opponents as plagiarists and copy-sabre-cats.
In exactly the same way, the block leaders of the fire- and lightning-immune sides of the Council of Zakarum have entrenched themselves in the middle positions, each promising stability like stone, fiery drive to progress and diversity in the whole spectrum of each and everything. But the stability, drive and inclusion would of course be much BETTER than the other sides foul drive, inclusion and stability. And anyone that disagreed would be unceremoniously clumped together with the heathen outcasts in the marginalized parties, which were the legions of unspeakable evil and no policy they advocated or indeed voted for would be anything but tainted and corrupted for all eternity.
Rapunzel: Surely you are exaggerating, your disillusionedness? Certainly the Zakarum council is a nest of damnation and categorization but the parliaments of the northern barbarians couldn't be that narrow-minded, could they?
Maltatai: Not at all. You are familiar with the customary trading rules of the single player forum and their disallowed modifications? Anything that has come into contact with anything even remotely affected by such modifications is considered tainted and may not be traded. This central concept of taint is an absolutely perfect analogy to the prevalent Swedish political argumentations. Anything that has come into contact with the cast out nationalist party is regarded as by definition shameful, racist and practically contagious. Untouchable. Only after years of nigh ritualistic appropriation of the suggestion/thesis/argument is it cleansed from the taint and can be put forward as the parties own idea.
The situation was somewhat similar about two or three decades ago when the cast out nationalist party of that time, a quite more radical one than the current occupant of that position, to the bafflement of the established parties managed to put forth one or two ideas that were not at all unreasonable. Decision-makers of those days have actually recounted how they saw themselves faced with a dilemma of either supporting the suggestions and see the nationalist party gain recognition, or block them to see the nationalist party deprived of such success. They conceded that they chose the latter. Knowingly they tossed aside what was, as far as they could tell, the best decision for the country and the people just because the wrong persons had put the suggestion forth or would gain political points from it...
The situation today works in the same way, but with mainstream media joining ranks with mainstream parties more than ever. Imagine that you have three tactical advisors. If advisor one suggests wearing Blackhorns Face to counteract the dangerous lightning that we know will be emitted by Bremm Sparkfist, it is considered a sound proposal, constructive and beneficial. If advisor two suggests the same thing it is considered a reasonable basis for a discussion and negotiation with a rival but generally respected party. If advisor three were to put forth the suggestion it is treated as an extremist and unreasonable idea, and what if Blackhorns Face would become associated with advisor three? It was advisor three who said it, nothing more needs to be explained. Obviously the very concept of having a gilded mask is a condescending boot directed at the less privileged classes who are not allowed to even look at your face and should only be restricted to seeing your envy-inspiring golden visage that remind them of the wealth they are forever cut off from. Not to mention the black horns! Clearly they are a gross racist statement - this came from advisor three after all - and either the color of the horns must carry a hidden message of derogation if black is associated with nationalities that advisor three is believed to look down upon, or it is a snobbish message of supremacy if black is associated with nationalities that advisor three is believed to look favorably upon (asking advisor three or paying any attention to the advisors statements is of course out of the question).
Rapunzel: Alright, alright, point taken. Being a spectral arbiter unburdened by all coloristic prejudices has its uses.
Maltatai: Hateful and spiteful, the nefarious lord of hatred has fortified himself by turning his minions into walking landmines! Teleportation and fire enchantment, truly dangerous to just about anyone! First Wyand Voidbringer, who is also spectral hitting so he can make a career in the conforming council. He falls before he can get close at least, taken down by far away sniping.
Maffer Dragonhand also tries teleporting but he is positively fanatical about bringing down his prey with his claws. Actually, that is one teleporting you also do not want to land on your face!
Far more dangerous is however the blood lord Gut Eye the Grim, a walking bomb and with the mobile disposition of the ghoulish casters. Also stoneskinned and with the poison resilience of the undead! Rapunzel is engaging it, but the timing is crucial. You want to be able to run as far away as possible before the thing falls apart but you don't want to have to go back not knowing where the enemy is and risk running into it, possibly with poison still active so it explodes...
Rapunzel: Aaaah! It is nearly, nearly down but I dare not approach again. What am I to do? The durance lacks clear line of sight but if I sneak closer I may run into the ghoul behind a corner or get close enough for it to teleport.
Maltatai: At least attack Mephisto first, to clear away the distractions before returning to the primary danger here. Then you may be able to take advantage of the more open space when approaching the side room from Mephistos area north of it.
Rapunzel: That is starting to sound like a sound start. What is this strange message printed here, by the way?
Maltatai: Mini-Maltatai typed it. Obviously it is some sort of secret code.
Rapunzel: Obviously.
Maltatai: As you all know, Mephisto the lord of hatred was the first of the three brothers to get his upper body out of his lower body (it got stuck in the soulstone somehow when he crawled out of it and into Sankekurs soul, and is still there, that's why he only has a loosely hanging spinal column) and start getting back into business. After hate campaigns that could only be attributed to prototype social media Mephisto had the whole Zakarumite church in his skeletal grasp, save for a few rebel paladins that were too lazy to get back in time to log on to their fakebooks.
So, the lord of hatred was secretly and then openly worshipped and the jubilant throngs blessed his vehement name. And through all the hellish existence they would continue to bolster his power of unspeakably terrible sound (like Marius felt a small but terrible taste of). Now Mephisto stood ready to deliver the full force of his voice, and it would truly be as poisonous as the green vapors around him and like unending needles in ones heart and ears. For his twisted Zakarumites had cheered so long at his name. And they would continue and continue to cheer. And cheer. And CHEER.
Rapunzel: WHY must I always come across these acoustic travesties!?
Mephisto:
My brothers have escaped yoooou!
If you could turn back time
If you could find a way
To get back before they left you
While I stay...bwahahahaha!....
I don't know why you think the things you did
I mean how could you change a thing at all
Hate's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't even try to hurt you
It just comes with the hate flow
I know I made you cry, but baby
Rapunzel: You did not!
Mephisto:
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
We'd be back to the woods that hurt you
Have you flayed
If I could reach the stars
I'd throw 'em all at you
Then I'd burn you, burn you, like you deserve to
I'd have you live on lime...
This world was shattered it was torn apart
My brother's fist was driven
Into its heart
That angel'd miss a door, we needn't care
His sword won't hit a darn thing anywhere
Much too bad accuracy, sorry
The target aimed for was all wrong
Was he blind, from a Woestave
How could he miss that stone
How could he threw that way
How can you toss your sword the entirely
Wrong way
If I could reach all hells
They'd laugh 'em all to death
Then they'd rip you, crush you, like you're used to, oh
How shall I make you deed (How shall I make you deed)
How shall I make you bleed (How shall I make you deed)
If I could hear you whine, oh baby
I didn't even try to hurt you
It just comes with the hate flow
I know I made you cry, but baby
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd bring back those snakes that scare you
[thread=927643]IF I COULD REACH BLACK SNARL[/thread]
I'd send him straight to you
Then he'd leap to, eat you, and be through
If I could find the time (find the time)
Before I end your play (end your play)
I have hate still left unused, I'd say
Rapunzel: Aaaargh! The horror! All that's missing is seeing Mephisto in the ridiculous outfit!
Maltatai: Be careful what you wish for. You heroes have after all systematically robbed him of all useful things imaginable...one is led to wonder what he has left...
Rapunzel: Yikes! No, he is still nude to the bone, literally. Onward! For my poor ears and the working environment of the legal departments!
Mephisto! Your singing stinks worse than your decomposed breath! Spineless (literally) diva!
Mephisto: You're too late hahahahaha!
"SWOOOSH!"
"BZZZT-BZZZT-BZZZT!"
"CLANG!"
"OW!"
"HA!"
Rapunzel: Yes! And stay down and be quiet!
Maltatai: Excellent! Now only the trapped blood lord is left.
Rapunzel: Oh, no... What if it teleports next to me and dies? How can you counter that?
Maltatai: I honestly don't know. Should you use a decoy or will it just draw the danger closer like with claw vipers in their temple? Maybe sniping with guided arrows is the key if you wear Blackhorns face to prevent its healing, but then you will be locked in place and it might be straying close to you and teleport, for sniping will take ages with that stone skin.
Rapunzel: Yes... Or...OR LET'S JUST SCREW THIS BECAUSE THE BLOOD LORD IS ALREADY CORRODED INTO A ROTTING PULP BY THAT LAST ENVENOMED POISONED JAVELIN! YEAAAH!
Maltatai: For the record, I wished you luck in your continued endeavors that happen to take place in hell, meaning Act IV.
Rapunzel: And so you told me to go to hell.
Maltatai: I did not.
Rapunzel: Yes you did, I heard you loud and clearly, lord captain chronicler.
Maltatai: This is silly and happens far too often. From now on Act IV shall evidently have to be called only Act IV and nothing else.
Rapunzel: Yes, that might be wise. It will be a little crowded here otherwise. If you tell many more people to go to hell like me, I mean.
Maltatai: The bowazon silliness can have a strong influence on the weak minded I see. Over and out.