The Misadventures of Two Untwinked Bowazons

Episode 12. Nightmarish Swamps
Maltatai: Greetings and well met! Let's get the update going without delay before the next rain and thunder gets here. Sweden is currently the home of a sorceress practising the thunderstorm spell a little too eagerly. The protagonists have now crossed the ocean and landed in the welcoming bogs and swamps of the Kurast docks, which are so stinking that they are separated from the actual city by miles of jungle. Truly a, well, nightmare.

Snövit: Oh, ha. Ha. Ha. What a clown.

Rödluvan: Don't listen to that grumpy thorned hulk. She is just sulky because she can't handle a little wind.

Snövit: I tell you it was a damned storm!

Rödluvan: Pfff! Ha! You just looked for any excuse to jump up in Meshif's arms, whining about a little gale like a little rogue! Embarrassing!

Snövit: The only thing that was embarrassing was you, but I think I managed to make a good impression despite your presence.

Rödluvan: Until you fell over and vomited in the sea. What a turn-on it must have been...

Snövit: I did not vomit! I just felt as if I would and needed to look at the water for a while.

Rödluvan: More like hanging over the water and moan for a while... I can't believe what Meshif could see in you since then.

Maltatai: I take it that Meshif acted commendably un-playerly then?

Snövit: Yes, he was great! He gave me some hard bread to chew on to get rid of the sea-sickness and then arranged a magic arrow competition so I would have something else to think of. He's so sweet! I won the competition of course, because Rödluvan ran out of mana. Hahaaahaha! Then, when we approached the docks, we were attacked by a river stalker but I slashed it in the head with the Woestave and it bled to death making the sea all red. It was soo romantic!

Maltatai: Romantic indeed... Who would not want a dead sea monster on your date?

Snövit: "dreamy eyes" "sigh"

Maltacus: "clears throat"

Snövit: Oh, ah, can you believe Meshif asked me out?

Rödluvan: No. Not at all.

Snövit: It was so great, we dined at the docks watching the sunset and eating a classy fish supper.

Maltatai: The whole town is the Kurast docks and you tell me you dined at the docks! No kidding? I would never have guessed.

Snövit: I was wearing a stylish blue dress and, since Meshif is a seafarer and bound to like fish and such, fishnet stockings and a necklace of seashells!

Maltatai: Yeah, we're so interested... Did you use fish-scent perfume too?

Snövit: Of course not! Just how stupid do you think I am? I would never do anything that smart, I'm way stupider than that!

Maltatai: ...

Rödluvan: ...

Snövit: I meant I would never do anything that stupid, I'm way smarter than that, of course. Aaaah! Just let's move on to the questing!

Maltatai: Excellent idea. Time for some gory battle reports. Now amaze the audience with all the thrilling escapades of you and your minions.

Snövit: I bought a breastplate with sockets where I placed a sapphire and damaging jewels, but the useless thing didn't turn blue, it just turned my toes blue! What crap!

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Maltatai: Turning ones toes blue! I've never heard of armour that does that.

Snövit: You've never dropped the armour on your toes. I can tell you they turn very, very blue.

Rödluvan: How can you stand that whining little brat? Just complaining about everything to hide her own clumsiness.

Snövit: Go and play in one of the flayer cauldrons, will you? I wonder, the flayers can hardly reach up to the edge of their cauldrons - how do they stir and spice up the contents? Perhaps their chefs are as respected as their shamans and sit on the shoulder of other flayers? OR, maybe the shamans ARE the chefs? That would explain why they try to roast me every time they come near with that fiery chilli breath. Anyways, dessert was served early the days I came by and shot them all into ice cream for Waheed and my valkyrie to shatter. Guided arrow rules against shamans.

Rödluvan: I beg to differ, no actually I demand to differ. It is strafe and exploding arrow that rule against flayers.

Maltatai: I will beg to differ once the next difficulty level begins...ahem, were there any memorable moments in the jungle?

Snövit: Yes, I held a bridge all on my own in a very heroic fashion. It was just like 300 actually, but just one and with no beards. And less shouting. And with archery.

Rödluvan: Can you believe that the mouldy, dusty, tattered tome of Lame Esen was in the same temple as before?

Maltatai: Isn't it Lam Esen's tome?

Rödluvan: No, someone who hides his tome in the same place even when the world is remade and reversed is surely lame. Not cool at all.

Snövit: The council of the European Union...ahem, Zakarum...had seen it fit to add new items to the agenda of enchantments but it did not save them. Down with parliamentarism! Bow to queen Snövit!

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Maltatai: Quite the individual freedom we will enjoy in your liberal way to govern a state...

Snövit: Strict measures are in order to combat the nasty red party, which are obviously evil. Just look at the hydras, councillors, undead flayers and flame spiders.

Rödluvan: Not to mention the hideous undead stygian dolls, drowned corpses, gloams and zakarumites. The legions of evil indeed.

Maltatai: Any good items found lately?

Rödluvan: Yes, I did, I did, I did! I got a red ballista, lovely colour but my UNIQUE ARBALEST is better.

Snövit: Yes I seem to recall you mentioning that one before. But go ahead, just gloat about it like a spoiled brat.

Rödluvan: AND I have found myself a red/orange axe that slows the target. But it only require one hand to use! Hahaa! Beat that, Snövit!

Snövit: What!?

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Snövit: Bah, it doesn't have Prevent Monster Heal nor Open Wounds or Freezes Target. Pathetic.

Maltatai: But the ability to carry a shield is worth a lot sometimes. With a halberd you can stand behind a minion and be safe but a shield is likely preferable when facing bosses and such. I would say both weapons are equally useful but it is extremely stylish and lucky that you got a blue and red "axe" respectively and not the other way around. On the other hand, it is a bit ironic that Rödluvan, who would make the most of a weak but fast bow with her maxed elemental arrows, have found the slow but powerful arbalest. That thing would be quite fearsome together with Snövit's guided arrows. Well, well, hopefully Snövit will find some good bow soon.

Snövit: Of course I will! And then the collective socialists shall tremble!

Rödluvan: Not nearly as much as the solitary capitalists once I have upgraded!

Maltatai: Ahem? Prime Evils anyone? Now, as you are about to go to hell...oh, right, I forgot! How was Mephisto?

Rödluvan: Yaawn...

Snövit: Pfffhaha...what a loser.

Maltatai: Obviously a grave danger as everyone can hear... So, as you are about to go to hell, what are you wearing?

Rödluvan: What kind of question is THAT?!

Snövit: I SAY! The corrupting indecency of the three is spreading even to chroniclers!

Maltatai: What? Oh, give me a break... I meant what kind of equipment/gear/armour/weapons you are using! Honestly, just because Amazons look like Barbie dolls (except for the starvation) and dress like a rogue doesn't mean everyone gets obsessed of you!

Snövit: Oh. Right. That kinda makes sense.

Rödluvan: Ahem. Yes.

Snövit: I have the following noteworthy items:

Snövit's Woestave (so cool, so cool, so cool and so blue)
Zephyr in a Cedar bow (so weak, so weak, so weak, MUST find new bow)
Breastplate with damaging jewels that is yellow but makes your toe blue
Crown with 3 perfect topazes
Amulet and light plated boot of luck
Ring with life leech and some cold resistance
Ring with magic finding and lightning resistance
Cleglaws Pincers (woooo! archer grail!)

My resistances are lousy, barely white. Only lightning resistance is a bit higher, at 43. I have extra gloves with magic finding and an amulet with a little resistance along with magic finding, to use if things get dangerous. And I also have a blue crown and can borrow a circlet from Waheed to get some more resistances.

Waheed has Twitchthroe and a circlet with fire resistance that he will not need ( he's got 71 naturally). He wields Strength in a Partizan, which works but isn't great.

Rödluvan: My awesome equipment is this:

Langer Briser (great, great, great...but slow)
Pompeiis Wrath and Sigons shield (must get another one, who on earth would want a WHITE shield, "shudder")
Circlet of luck
Greyform
Amulet with mana leech and prismatic resistances (awesome thing)
Nagelring
Ring with magic finding and mana leech
Blood crafted belt
Greaves with luck and lightning resistance
Gloves with increased attack speed, magic finding and cold resistance (nice little rare)

Telash the Enlightened has a rare tulwar, Rockfleece, Duskdeep and ancients pledge in a kite shield. I have many perfect gems waiting to be set in a crown or socketed armour but all suitable ones are hidden from me. Booo. It would be sooo awesome to have a red gothic plate. I have a manald heal ring and blood gloves as reserve, and ruby light plated boots with faster running. They look great, latest fashion. Thanks to my charming charms I have good fire and lightning resist (59 and 71) but easily gets cold in this, hrm, limited armour and my stomach has been a bit upset by all the rotting swamp food in Kurast (-18 poison resist and 22 cold resist).

Maltatai: Isn't red always the most fashionable according to you?

Rödluvan: So? That doesn't make it less fashionable.

Maltatai: Of course not. How could I overlook that detail? Next episode will be about the fiery pits of the nightmarish Act IV, where danger lurks behind each shadow. Will Rödluvan get a Rhyme tower shield before she faces Diablo? Will Snövit find a decent bow at last? Don't miss the thrilling tale with a catchy title I have yet to invent. Over and out.
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Episode 13. Diablo the Brown
Maltatai: The burning ashes and smouldering craters of putrid, poisonous fumes presented a view that would sap the wits and strengths out of the strongest of warrior. Luckily, no strong warriors stepped into the ruins of the Råsunda football arena after another struggle between AIK and DIF or HIF (Swedish football teams of different parts of Stockholm, each more or less infamous for badly behaved supporters). Instead, two small teams of three each pushed their way across the Outer Steppes by cheesily keeping their distance and shooting down the helpless demons and dumb knights...doom knights, sorry...unfortunate enough to appear. It...

Snövit: HEY! WHAT THE HECK are you writing!? May I remind you that I was still stuck with a ZEPHYR in a CEDAR BOW at that time! It was SLOOOOOW, and not cheesy at all!

Rödluvan: Wow, boasting about her lack of good gear. That's something I wouldn't have expected out of that one.

Maltatai: Oh, pardon me. I just thought that the demons of the burning hells were completely and totally obliterated by your icy arrows and fearsome minions. But maybe I was mistaken.

Snövit: Well, I did of course kick their tails, figuratively speaking. And the frost aura of Waheed is agony incarnated for the hellish demons that we encounter, along with his strengthy poleaxe and my trusty peaceful valkyrie.

Maltatai: In other words, you cheesed right through the entire act by staying out of range of the enemies and freezing them.

Snövit: I, no, aargh!, what do you expect?! WE'RE FREAKING BOWAZONS!

Rödluvan: But I'm also a tough and sturdy Tankazon on occasion, roaming the Outer Steppes with my fearsome axe and shield. VERY cool and unusual if I may say so myself.

Maltatai: But you may not, because now we will talk about you adventures one at a time. I have so many screenshots to cover that it will turn into an even greater mess than usual if I try to deal with the act area by area like usual with you two interrupting me and each other with confusing banter every second phrase. Snövit got through the act first and thus we will first learn about her adventures.

Snövit: HAHAAA!

Rödluvan: Bah, the guest of honour always arrives late.

Snövit: Exactly, and the unwanted guest arrives even later and isn't allowed in because the doors have been locked to keep the collective filth out!

Maltatai: Drop it! I'm trying to edit here! Snövit, I understand that you found the early parts of the burning hells quite easy?

Snövit: Yeah, I practically blow through it like a non-druid hurricane!

Rödluvan: Yeah, you blow, that's for sure...

Snövit: Let me be customer-friendly and ask you a simple question: Which end of Woestave would you like shoved into your guts, and from which direction?

Maltatai: Hrm, let's...no, why do I even bother trying... So you got far into the ash and dust. Did you meet someone interesting?

Snövit: Yeah, the reincarnated and re-fallen Izual, with his very stylish colours. A shame he never drops some kind of unique personal armour of shining blue. He is one cold and insensitive bastard, AND I AM NOT SO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, RÖDLUVAN!

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Maltatai: What delicate sensitivity. Truly touching.

Snövit: After the plains of the despairing boredom lay the damned city where there is a waypoint and stairs down to some flaming river. Wow, you really get to curse things when playing and talking about this game! The river had the same blackened stone shore/causeway thing to walk on as before. Hephasto had gotten himself some new enchantments (a funny thing is; when he had died, his sandal appeared to emit a sound that sounded closely like the Word "enchantment" when you held it close to your ear). They were actually quite smart, with the pulse aura ensuring cursedness of all enemies and a complement to the physical damage. On the other hand, it is often a gross over-doing of only physical damage that is the most dangerous.

Be that as it may, Waheed and my valkyrie tanked well and I knocked him off his balance and back with my arrows. Eventually he was just at the bank of the flaming river! Then Waheed thrust his mighty spear-looking partisan into the chest of the toad demon and heaved him into the lava! What a spectacular ending and culmination it looked to be - like Terminator II and the Return of the King movie (had it been good enough to be worthy of the story it was based on) and all the other throwing-stuff-into-fire-ending-scenes in one. Unfortunately (at least I thought so then) the demons of the burning hells are not really harmed by the flaming river. Their aversion to it has more to do with their idea of hygiene, or lack of it - they are simply to lazy to take a bath. When Hephasto fell in he just floated on his belly fat or inflated ego or whatever it was and mocked us in a scandalous fashion!

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Maltatai: "silent chuckle"

Snövit: What? Did you wish to say something?

Maltatai: Eh, hehe, please continue. You mentioned something of wielding the Zephyr bow previously. Am I to understand that you now use something else, presumably more suitable?

Snövit: YES! Among the remains of Hephasto, which I was so glad had not ended up in a burning way, lay nothing less than KUKO SHAKAKU!!! Ahu, ahu, ahu!!! (Spartan chanting from mindlessly violent movie with a numerical title that Amazons liked).

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Maltatai: Congratulations! That must have been a most welcome find. Highly useful, with the + skills and piercing, as well as fire damage giving you a third element along with cold and physical damage which your mercenary happens to be wielding too. Hmm, wait a second, will you now also be able to fire exploding arrows?

Snövit: Yes! Aaahahahahaaa! I now embody all the bow-skill damage types! I am truly the ultimate archer and really the incarnation of Amazon skill and grace, probably a sign from Athulua and the others that I, Snövit, shall be the chosen herald and sole champion of my...our...people!

Maltatai: Are you going to sell shoes? Along with the news service?

Snövit: Shoes??? What the...SOLE as in THE ONLY/THE ONE not as in shoes or feet! And herald as in the pompous god-buddy way, not as an actual distributer and bringer of news! By Hefaetrus burning beard, how much dumber can you get? Now look at the difference in numbers and be amazed!

Maltatai: What am I supposed to be amazed by? That looks like what you might expect when switching to such a superior bow.

Snövit: Bah! You are just hopeless! No sense of proper respect or awe. After the epic battle with the fearsome and dangerous Hephasto I stepped up to the anvil of the hellforge and put down the soulstone on it. Funnily enough, I don't remember bringing it to with me but it seemed to end up there anyway - not like the Horadric staff. But perhaps the Prime Evils are simply more technologically advanced? Although it was a pity to smash something so beautiful (=blue) I was rewarded with the supremely useful Lum rune.

Diablo's minions in the sanctuary did not suffice to stand up to the holy freeze and freezing arrows. The lord of terror had obviously seen my new bow and impressive skills because he went green with envy. Then he felt the icy hand of death clawing at him and witnessed the mind-numbing portable ice age known as freezing arrow firsthand. Needless to say, he was frozen in terror.

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Unable to cope with the setback in a sensible way, the unsportsmanlike devil resorted to foul cheating by evil forces. The scum TRAPPED me! The outrage! Scandalous! Although the bones are white and shining...Maybe I could get some to trap Rödluvan...

Rödluvan: I heard that!

Snövit: I am proud to announce that all my employees survived the battle! After I found chance guards, along with stylish but beautiful gothic plate armour and a very outdated bow, they can look forward to generous cash bonuses!

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Maltatai: That's a bit of a surprise. You have never really struck me as one to part willingly with you money unless forced to, and now you are handing out bonuses to minions who are magically bound to you. Very honourable, Snövit.

Snövit: What are you talking about? I will get generous cash bonuses from the monsters I shoot and my employees can look forward to the great feeling of seeing me get rich. Hand out bonuses to the employees! What a silly though...

Maltatai: "facepalm"

Rödluvan: Something like that would never occur had I been able to had my way and unionize the minions of the world...under my executive leadership of course...to stand up against the foul capitalism of Aunt Scrooge over there!

Maltatai: No, then they would all be collective slaves in the single, state controlled producer on the non-existing market and bound to do your bidding despite wanting to decide for themselves.

Snövit: Exactly!

Malattai: ...whereas under your guidance everyone is free to do whatever they like, only deprived the economical means to do anything else than what you want. Well, over to Rödluvan. How was your trip through the burning hells?

Rödluvan: Why is it called the burning hells? This is hell, as simple as that.

Maltatai: Well, ah, it will become clear in time. Hrm.

Rödluvan: There certainly isn't anywhere more hellish than here, at least. Fire resistant enemy after fire resistant enemy after fire immune enemy. "sigh" I had to amuse myself in every way possible just to get ahead. The new crowbill was fun, casting volcanoes from time to time. And I found the weirdest of axes, Spellsteel.

Maltatai: Wow, that ought to prove interesting! Let's see...you can cast decrepify on fire immunes to make them easier to handle or very dangerous strong meleers to outrun them, teleport (very useful ability for bowazons, I happen to know from experience...) and holy bolt to heal the valkyrie or even Telash? I've never heard of that being viable but one never knows.

Rödluvan: Now, hold up there! It was I who found it, not you! So don't get overly enthusiastic. Besides, would I, Rödluvan, use a BLUE and WHITE curse like decrepify or spell like holy bolt? The thought!

Maltatai: "sigh" Why did I make you so fanatic... If Snövit uses fiery arrows as backup why can't you use blue-white spells? Ah, lifetap is good too and lasts much longer so maybe that's better. At least teleport is more neutral.

Rödluvan: Still a white and animation when cast.

Maltatai: Just keep telling your story, you brat.

Rödluvan: "baffled expression" The... How dare... HMPF!!! Izual, the obvious traitor - being blue - dropped a Nagelring. I wonder if you can construct Nagelfar if you gather enough Nagelrings?

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Maltatai: Built from the fingernails of the dead... One would have to be careful with the skills then, because being made of bone it would probably be subject to the "unsummon" ability just like a common skeleton.

Rödluvan: Later I stumbled upon heaps of ash, piles of dust, lost souls and Venom Ward. The latter might be useful if I ever decide to stay up late and drink with Alkor, Asheara, Hratli and Ormus again. I can't believe how Telash could stand that stuff... I also found the Stormstrike Outdated Bow. Just like the capitalist Snövit. Is this some sort of ironic joke by the game?

Maltatai: At least it is a constant truth that the game showers you in items someone else would have great use for and items that are a complete mockery of your build.

Rödluvan: Fire is not completely useless but the general awesomeness of a maxed and synergised skill is lost. I guess this is what strafe is for but I certainly could use a faster weapon. Otherwise, open wounds and lightning damage make for a good complement to the somewhat lacking physical damage.

Maltatai: Lightning damage which has...which colour, I wonder?

Rödluvan: Whi...shut it! Don't try to say anything about Hephasto - he was blue and evil and that's it. And before you start blabbering about some utter nonsense like it being because of cold damage from me or something like that I'll have you know that he sported an unholy HOLY FREEZE aura just like the traitorous moron of Snövit and the despicable Duriel. The legions of the damned, all of them! But I got a Pul rune from the equally evil (=blue) soulstone. Ha!

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Snövit: If you actually used the contents of your presumably almost empty skull you would remember that Blood Raven the very corrupted rogue is shooting fire arrows and that both Andariel and Mephisto live among big pools of red blood, just like those caused by the open wounds effect! Not to mention Baal who is clearly more than maximising DECOY just like a certain little collective clot-head I have the displeasure of knowing.

Maltatai: Theoretically, if you combined your runes and a perfect emerald you could upgrade Kuko Shakaku to a very awesome elite item, or Langer Briser to a slightly less awesome elite item! But that is perhaps not very likely to happen, hehehe...

Rödluvan: Me?! With her?! Cooperation between state and private sector!?

Rödluvan and Snövit: I say!

Maltatai: I seem to recall a faint memory of a plan about you two being supposed to tell about your adventures ONE AT A TIME! Rödluvan, continue.

Rödluvan: Well, the river of flame offers excellent archery opportunities and my valkyrie and decoy sufficed to keep me rather safe. The Chaos Sanctuary is hideous. The few redeeming features it has are that no monster can raise the others and that you can retreat without much difficulty in most cases. The dumb knights are the hardest because they are harder to hit but the inferno from the venom lords is quite nasty to be caught in.

I had saved the seal of the Infector of Souls to the last. The others were handled without any notable setbacks but this one was in a dead end, the infamous trapping layout. I hoped that my valkyrie would be up to the task of tanking them so I could strafe the lot but the damned demons had fanaticism! Eugh! And it turned into a total failure. My valkyrie was falling apart, she is a peaceful soul after all...

Maltatai: Spare me...

Rödluvan: Hehe, just had to say that. "sigh" So I jumped back to get them, hoping that my valkyrie would do her job and engage them as soon as we exited the portal and that Telash would do his job and keep a little distance. He did not. Poor Telash was more or less stairtrapped, or rather portaltrapped, and burned to ash and slashed apart by the overgrown demon blades. I realised that this was the wrong way to approach and left again and ran from the waypoint instead from where we could draw out the scumbags a few(er) at the time. It was a quite embarrassing mistake, I must confess, not going to the waypoint at once as is the proper way to handle this situation.

Snövit: Something like that would never have happened had I been in charge.

Maltatai: ENOUGH! "enough" "enough" "enough" (echoes like when Baal says it in the intro to Act V). I will take your statement...into consideration. Meanwhile, mercenary deaths are NOT to be subject of smug sneering.

Snövit: Ehm, Maltatai? You haven't picked up any strange yellow stones lately, have you?

Rödluvan: What was this shaking? It felt just like when Diablo appeared.

Maltatai: It is the sound of someone putting the proverbial foot down. Now, Rödluvan, did you melee Diablo this time also?

Rödluvan: I actually did. And Telash had been resurrected but the big damned, flaming, clotted, moronic, mosquito-brained, tick-souled slime-head first cast his bone prison so Telash couldn't move and then burned him apart with the lightning breath. It's not damn fair!

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I grabbed my trusty kris and screamed something at him about whether or not he remembered being stabbed by this last time, which didn't work since he had his memory reset or is a new Diablo or whatever. But I'm still queen stabbity-stab, which the devilish internal organs can confirm! Then I had to get Telash back another time. Bloody Tyrael! How dare he demand money for resurrections!

Maltatai: Yes, Tyrael... How did he manage to slither his way out of Amazonian wrath over the fiasco with the worldstone?

Snövit: And over his cowardly way of taking flight immediately after meeting us in Tal Rashas Tomb! That angelic aardvark may fake ignorance but I'm dead sure I caught a glimpse of his sneaky eyes, I mean his sneaky emptiness under his hood!

Rödluvan: The faceless cur!

Maltatai: I guess you were not too pleased to see him - at least not in good health - now, then?

Rödluvan: No. As soon as we saw him we rushed at the enemy!

Maltatai: Is he an ex-angel now?

Rödluvan: Nah, we showed mercy...after a while...

Snövit: In return he promised to create some sort of shadow world of how it was before the worldstone incident, but very easy (1 player setting), where we could hunt for items. While I am obviously waaay overqualified :cool: for that the lesser populace found it interesting.

Rödluvan: Blablabla... I actually found Cleglaws Pincers - RED as they are they rightfully belong on my hands - by the help of a very nice little Durance map.

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Maltatai: What is the rune writing?

Rödluvan: Some kind of advertisement. Something about dwarfs and Midgard. The capitalistic plague seems to spread everywhere nowadays.

Maltatai: Congratulations anyway, now you can both slow enemies by up to 75%. Then they will almost be as slow as the Swedish justice system...no, that's an exaggeration, for that you would need at least twice the amount of slowing. If Snövit could borrow Spellsteel to decrepify a foe that was also affected by Waheed's holy freeze one might get something of similar speed. But, as mentioned, something like that is not likely to happen. The next episode will...

Snövit: Yes, yes, can I go now?

Maltatai: Why the hurry?

Snövit: I must get back to Meshif! It's been ages since our last date (it feels like that at least).

Rödluvan: But he told you to go to hell.

Snövit: He did NOT.

Rödluvan: Yes he did. I heard him.

Snövit: Only in the most technical sense of the word. I told him about Diablo escaping to hell and having to go after him for a while. He was unhappy with the idea but very understanding and wished me good hunting and such.

Rödluvan: And so he told you to go to hell.

Snövit: That's not the same!

Rödluvan: Yes it is. I'm not saying he said "go to hell" literally but he still told you to go to hell. You admit it yourself.

Snövit: I do not and he did not!

Rödluvan: Yes he did...
Maltatai: "clutches his ears" Over and out.
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Episode 14. Magic Finding Race 1
Maltatai: Welcome, welcome to the first rally of the Nightmare Magic Finding Cup, the well known frantic looting and cubing and gambling spree before moving on to he...more difficult challenges! First out is Rödluvan who has covered a lot of ground in Act V! Rödluvan, how goes the looting and questing?

Rödluvan: Actually, better than ever! First, I have at last found a four-socket gothic plate, those legendary farming outfits. I did of course put only three topazes in it and added a perfect ruby for the colour. Totally gorgeous! Look!

Maltatai: Stylish, stylish, I agree. It must feel great to finally get to use those gems.

Rödluvan: Later I also bought a jewellers crown with three sockets, where I have put two more topazes, with another one soon to come. Queen of magic finding and style I will be! I also have found the Grand Crown of Thieves - excellent or collectiong taxes in both coin and blood from capitalistic demons! With the new luck I raided Andariels wardrobes and cupboards back at the monastery. I found the excellent little piece of cutlery known as Spineripper and...stop drooling! What is it with you and this dagger?

Maltatai: Ignores Target Defence AND Prevent Monster Heal...in one weapon - and good damage...

Rödluvan: Yes it is rather neat. I also found an icy blue hatchet which I of course sold, as well as a white Brandistock that steals blood. White bloodsucker and leach...sounds like Snövit.

Snövit: I heard you, you miserly maniac!

Rödluvan: Speaking of the witch, and speaking of which, I also found a mask crafted exactly in resemblance of Snövit! It was almost scary to behold. It's a stark contrast to this lovely red jewel of fervor that I am thinking of putting into my crown if I decide to have it socketed.

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Snövit: I do not look like that!

Rödluvan: It even has blue horns to amplify the similarity.

Snövit: There is no similarity! You must have picked up a mirror and looked into it. That would truly be a horrifying sight!

Maltatai: Think of me then, who has to watch both of you...

Rödluvan and Snövit: What!?

Maltatai: As I was just going to ask, did you do any questing, Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: Yeah, beat Shenk and freed the trapped morons and such. And Anya has STILL not learned to get proper clothes for this cold or enough politeness to stay and thank me or let me go in her portal! She's a total brat! I have at least picked up this large and padded armour. Maybe Nihlatak wanted to save her to make a giant Bratwurst to celebrate his victory? Nilly was worrying but I managed to lure out enough minions to sneak in through a small passage at the south and got myself to a clear corner. From there he was soon toast.

Maltatai: Bratwurst, toast? Any special reason for this sudden fixation with food?

Rödluvan: Well, there just isn't very much to eat on those vast steppes and the city supplies taste like wood. The demon meat tastes like murky, rotten wood.

Maltatai: I never knew you had eaten that. The diet of the Amazonian Islands is really fascinating.

Rödluvan: A figure of speak, of course! And once I at last found a decent restaurant it just had to be closed for the season! Aaaargh!

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Maltatai: Closed for the season?

Rödluvan: Yes, it seems to only be open (or rather only serving food because it was literally open since the doors were hacked apart) during the non-siege season.

Maltatai: I see. I shall file a complaint to the heavenly travel agency.

Rödluvan: Yeah, you do that. Any reason to kick Tyraels nether parts is a good reason. I am also proud to report significant improvements in my - our - collective education and enlightment programme. Lot's of enlightment is brought to the uneducated and unappreciating masses by Telash. There is truly an intellectual darkness obscuring these illiterate lands and underground, but not too dark for my eyes to penetrate to let me strafe down targets out of sight, muahahahaha!

Maltatai: Have you gained much experience then, from all this educative (such foul words we're using) enlightment?

Rödluvan: Oh yes! I actually once cleared the repopulated area close to Harrogath on /players8 just to try it out. It worked all right, as I wore full battle gear. Blood for the blood goddess!

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Skulls for the skull throne!

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Maltatai: Indeed a worship-inspiring sight... The icy minons of Baal here must be quite good targets for your explosions. How far have you pushed into the Barbarian lands?

Rödluvan: I have claimed every waypoint up to the Ancients Way. I will probably stay to level and equip up a bit more before facing them. I have heard that Talic is especially despicable for fire-users.

Maltatai: Eugh, don't mention his name! You are totally correct. Did you find anything useful in Act V, or have you just looted Andys storerooms?

Rödluvan: I actually took a peek in the Tower too. I have now assembled three Io runes, just a flawed topaz from having everything required to upgrade to elite weapon! Speaking of runes, a very pleasant surprise awaited me on the icy floor of the Ancients Way:

N8kiXqa.jpg


Maltatai: Nice one! Treachery beckons? And new battle gear boots I see.

Rödluvan: I think so. Another option would perhaps be Passion in a good elite bow if I could get my hands on one. The blinding and scare effect would mean terrific and terrifying crowd control with strafe. And I already have knockback too from cleglaws pincers. But that may leave me a bit short on damage against fire/physically resistant and immune enemies, which are quite common. Baals minions of destruction spring to mind.

Maltatai: Another option may be to make a melee Passion weapon and take advantage of Berserk, since you have a shield and such high Penetrate skill.

Rödluvan: Berserk? But that is...white. Never!

Maltatai: Just a thought. You already have three element so it may not be necessary. Nice ring by the way, are you thinking of using it along with Venom?

Rödluvan: I was, but Poison Dagger will only give short of three seconds duration - far too short. Maybe javelins with poison javelin charges but that isn't really me.

Maltatai: No, don't go there. I can't edit the thread title so you'll have to stay bowazons. Will you upgrade Langer Briser when that time comes?

Rödluvan: Tricky. It IS slow, but it has open wounds and lightning damage and going crossbow-ing is something that is less common and different from Snövit. It's a great weapon in nightmare with its magic find and I have grown attached to it. Upgraded and with Venom added it will certainly be enough for all that comes but what if I should find a better weapon?

Maltatai: The eternal question and dilemma. Or why not upgrade Spineripper?

Rödluvan: Ha! You and your precious Spiney.

Maltatai: It is cool to be a daggerzon too and you did really well against Diablo. Perhaps a path to consider if you find Goblin Toe at least? Fire from distance, physical from melee range?

Rödluvan: "clears throat" Meaning that I should go up to fire enchanted enemies and melee them?

Maltatai: Hrm, that may be a bit of a drawback... At least you have quite some levels left to find a new bow or crossbow and other stuff, being in the mid-sixties.

Rödluvan: I don't look...like...old, do I?

Maltatai: No, not a level above 64, I promise you.

Rödluvan: Why you...

Maltatai: Relax! You look as young as when you first appeared out of nowhere in the normal Rogue Camp without even a bow.

Rödluvan: Hrm, was just wondering.

Maltatai: Next episode will be about the exploits of Snövit and the loot with which she hopes to trump Rödluvan and (other, according to her) hellish creatures.Over and out.
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Episode 15. Magic Finding Race 2
Maltatai: In this second part of the first round of looting we will take a look at (surprise) the progress of Snövit!

Snövit: You already said that at the end of the last episode.

Maltatai: I'm just making a suitable introduction which fits into the style of the story.

Snövit: I see. Then it's understandable.

Maltatai: How are the northern realms?

Snövit: Bad. The bloody foothills greeted me with super-speeded foul crows with the worst oral hygiene known to humans since Fraxlus the Foul-Mothed Mojomancer!

Maltatai: Who on earth is that?

Snövit: Nobody. Just a funny name invented to underline the troublesomeness of the foul crows. In my frustration I even turned to higher powers for guidance and prayed at a gem shrine. I was rewarded with a gleaming yellow little stone. A topaz, don't get it the wrong way. I'm not Marius. A bit further into the foothills I found a really splendid druid helm - no wonder that the alpha male or female becomes pack leader if wearing such lovely blue!

Far more useful to me was a charming charm of cold resistance. Cold, obviously the mightiest element since I specialize in it, is something you really should protect yourself from. Shenk felt the cold of my mighty arrows along with immolation arrow, which was fun to try out.

Maltatai: Still Snövit Bluefoot I see.

Snövit: Bah! But no longer! I have finally conquered a farming plate - meaning of course socketed gothic plate - and now wear the most stylish armour imaginable. Watch and be amazed by the style and grace.

lm4hec3.jpg


Maltatai: A question spring to mind... are you now feeling blue, wearing that armour?

Snövit: Of course not! How can you feel anything else than great in such outfit?

Maltatai: Ask Rödluvan... Hmmm, how about if I should switch your armours some day, and you would wake up with a red plate...

Snövit: Don't even think about it!

Maltatai: It's probably no danger... 'cause my GoMule doesn't work. Can't seem to find out what's wrong. But you're going untwinked so it's OK anyway. How about looting for your part?

Snövit: It's been interesting but not great. I actually found the mask...

Rödluvan: Ha! I knew it! Looks just like you, doesn't it?

Snövit: Go play in mud pool, you pig... No it didn't suit me but Waheed wears it. The strength bonus will be nice for him and the scare effect is actually useful sometimes since he has ranged support from a certain someone. Then I raided Eldricht, with Peace equipped, and got a nice little golden ring. But not the puny little Nagelring or Manald Heal of Rödluvan, but Dwarf Star! Money, money, money!

FxFI9Ie.jpg


Later I rescued some Barbarians who had a very stupid captor, having locked himself up along with his prisoners. With such stupid guards, it is a wonder they hadn't escaped by themselves already, especially since they had the ability to cast a townportal!

Maltatai: Who knows, maybe the door was a magic seal that made it impossible to leave the rickety fence?

Snövit: Come on, how far-fetched can you get?

Maltatai: Just trying my best. You need this kind of benevolent and generous imagination if you try to write fan fiction of games. Especially ones with such shallow storytelling and quests as Diablo II.

Snövit: From one thing to another; you know about those little gateways to small hellish isles in the middle of seas of flame?

Maltatai: Yes, those are quite hard to explain too. Are they some kind of vacation programme for the demons, to warm up between the work days in the cold northlands? Like, direct lines to small vacation islands that are normally connected to the Chaos Sanctuary by boat- and airlines? Infernal Airlines - always hellish and infernally bad service?

Snövit: Maybe. Isn't there something like that in your world, Maltatai?

Maltatai: Yes! You're right! It's called Ryanair. But what about these burning isles?

Snövit: I have now confirmed that Rödluvan is indeed a fiery demon and creature from hell. I have pictures to prove it!

Rödluvan: What the [where Snövit belongs] is this?

Maltatai: Let's see then.

COF9fer.jpg


Rödluvan: YOU DESPICABLE FOUL FLAYERHEADED TAINTEDMOUTHED STYGIAN SUCCUBUS! LIES! SLANDER!

Maltatai: What the...must be some psychological warfare from Baal, trying to sow dissent or something among the enemy. As if more of that would be needed...

Snövit: Hahahahahahihihihihi!

Malatatai: Very funny. Do you have any more escapades to share?

Snövit: Yes, I got a shield that may be good if I have to stand too close to Rödluvan. Are the barbarians called so for having barbs? I mean Barb-arian! Or maybe it's from Bar-barian? But they don't deserve that name, because their tavern or restaurant was closed when I arrived too! Boo! I'm gonna buy the place myself and show how it's supposed to be done.

Maltatai: Nice boots. All white, and maybe enough bonuses to be viable along with the belt?

Snövit: Yeah, maybe. Resists are a little low but life stealing is really nice to have. My radar has been working so badly until I got some life stealing. And I can't believe how anyone, even that red hag, could find this lovely axe ugly? It's excellent. Sad I'm not an axezon.

Maltatai: Just an axe-zone, with that and Woestave next to you...

Snövit: Oh, how lame we are today, apparently. Except me, who is cool. As cool as the maxed, if unsynergised, Frozen Arrow I now have! Fear me!

Maltatai: Fear, fear, shudder, shudder. Have you got to the Ancients Way too, now?

Snövit: No. I have the waypoints up to the Way, but haven't taken down Nilly - got stuck at Pindleskin. I happen to own and rule at running him, except when the bugger spawns cold enchanted. Bloody copyright infringement!

uWVnNmr.jpg


He must think I'm a carrot-headed, shambling bearheaded clot...

Maltatai: Also known as druid, yes...

Rödluvan: But that charm is totally you - cold and poisonous. A pestilence of the world.

Maltatai: In any case, a potentially useful charm, two seconds longer duration than the poison charm you had before.

Snövit: Exactly! I have started experimenting with Multishot, it can be quite useful in open fields where enemies spread out. A few volleys now and then will help Waheed and my valkyrie tremendously by stopping enemy healing.

Maltatai: Woestave, Dwarf Star, Multishot and Magic Arrow. Inspired by someone?

Snövit: Allright, I may be a tiny bit of a fan of Livexia. So what? She's cool.

Maltatai: And very scary to play. DO be a bit easier than that, please. Be back next time to find out if Snövit finally will get some high runes and Rödluvan another bow. Over and out.
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Episode 16. Magic Finding Finals Part 1
Maltatai: Aaaaandlookattheoffensivepowerandtherewecanseethenewtacticbythebluesnowteamsteamcaptainwhatapowerdisplayandtheyscoooore!

Snövit: What are you doing?

Maltatai: Just trying to adapt to all the sports commentary that abound in the outer realm, with the Olympic games going on and such.

Snövit: Meaning...talking absurdly quick in order to squeeze as much comments into the reporting as possible, resulting in a messy nonsense containing more of the reporters views and opinions than what is actually going on in the contest?

Maltatai: Precisely. You are well acquainted with the job I hear. But I suppose the archery contests should prove interesting?

Rdluvan: Yes! But, meh... What meekly challenges, just shooting without having to dodge enemy projectiles, switch between different arrows and other skills and aiming at stationary targets! Quite laughable. And boring. If that is possible at the same time, hmm?

Snövit: Ha! So much for your enlightening free mass education programme!

Maltatai: Now show how it's supposed to be done by enlightening us about your glimmering treasure findings.

Snövit: Glimmering it is! Glimmering shimmering swimmering in jewels! But it wasn't so good, just 10 resist all. Still, may be useful in some situation.

Rödluvan: Material girl in a material difficulty level. Meshif better watch out for that golddigger.

Maltatai: Heh, you have a point since Snövit is wearing the chance guards and has the dwarf star to add even more.

Snövit: You slandering moron! I never dig for gold. I'm a capitalist - I take over the money from the monsters that dug it up!

Rödluvan: I rest my case.

Maltatai: What else did you find?

Snövit: A large axe that had a metallic voice shouting orders to me about doing push ups and standing in useless and unpractical formations on the town squares. Weird and useless in a real battle situation.

A short blade that wouldn't look out of place in an arena. I wonder if the Barbarians I sold it to ever will arrange some contests among themselves too once this mess is over? Olympic slayi...fencing?

Maltatai: Actually there is fencing among the Olympic games, but it is a total joke. Not even real practise swords, just metal splinters that bend as soon as they make contact. Pathetic and not entertaining. With all the protection the participants wear, they could easily manage to fence with the real practise thing!

Snövit: Halberds would be cool too. I could join with Woestave. Every opponent would surely freeze in terror once hit, hehehee! I saw a nice little suit of armour at the Chaos Sanctuary. Pretty colour, but too little protection. The name is certainly worthy of me - Heavenly Garb for a heavenly babe!

Now, some sort of weird treasure god seems to have aparticularly twisted sense of humor or just bad eyes. I am not a PALADIN!

But then, those boots! Ooooh! Sooo stylish! Hahaa, I have the ultimate economy power with them and Chance guards. Now I would just need a Lem rune to make a wealthy armour too, and a second dwarf star or Nagelring.

Maltatai: Maybe even viable as main boots, if you can manage the resistances with other gear?

Snövit: Yeah, maybe. Kuko Shakaku is certainly low on the physical damage side. A nice little charm makes me even more charming and able to resist the indoctrinating "enlightenmen" of the political socialist propaganda of Rödluvan. And I am NOT a Paladin!

XAOhnsY.jpg


Snövit: Moving on, I have a crushing mace to crack open cocnuts back home but not much use for it otherwise I think - I'm no weapon-and-shield girl. And more of this religious nonsense! I am NOT A FREAKING PALADIN!

Then I found the spineripper too.

Maltatai: Y...

Snövit: NO, I will not upgrade it and become a daggerzon. Any Pul I get my hands on will go to the bow I use! So keep your mouth closed.

Using a lot of trips to the normal shadow realm and back I managed to make the path down to Mephistos storerooms look much shorter than before. Wooo! And WHAT A BELT I got down there!!!

Maltatai: Ooh, pretty. Should drive the scarabs nuts. And maybe you can use the lightning attacks against particularly immune foes, but don't overdo it. The vitality should be welcome by the way, because you are a bit low on life, below 800.

Snövit: Yes, I feel much strengthened when wearing that thing. But not quite enough to wield the interesting French maul here. It would have been nice to be able to curse Rödluvan. And the ancients, of course.

The next piece of loot gave me a bit of a dilemma. Go for a one hand slowing weapon? Shields are after all useful and you can socket shining white diamonds in them. But not, what flail could possibly rival the epic power and hot looks of an amazon with a halberd?

Maltatai: Could not have said it better myself.

Snövit: The tusk of some demon was an interesting weapon I say!

Maltatai: Yeah, that thing has a very odd collection of mods. Could be really useful, though.

Snövit: And so, the totally fabulously charming grand charm of resistance to Rödluvan!

Rödluvan: Ha! Keep dreaming. For...WE ARE THE COLLECTIVE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

Maltatai: Scary. New slogan?

Rödluvan: Slogan? Do you take us for a company? This is my - our - political motto, not some marketing phrase.

CuR1Iwc.jpg


Snövit: After a particularly fierce battle of the Bloody Foothills I stumbled on a buzzing suit of scales. New suit for Waheed! Hwanins gear is supposed to be shining white but I was not impressed. Need more shine!

Oooh, the jewel! Blue fervor! Much finer than Rödluvans red worthless one.

Rödluvan: No it's not!

Maltatai: I am actually sure they both are just as good.

Snövit: You're so boring; you always assume the role of the neutral balanced neutral mediator. Except for when you become the sarcastic joker. A grand charm was trying to jump out of my inventory and hop against the enemy to bump into them and gore them. Really fanatic item.

Later, look - the suit of Rödluvan's dreams! Red, bloody and thoroughly disgusting.

Rödluvan: I will not even dignify that with a comment.

Snövit: I ran into the dreaded fabled tomb vipers at Nihlatak. Scary. I almost felt poor for Nilly when he watched his whole army of corpse explosion fuel melt away. On the way to him I ran into two packs of minotaurs. One leader was fire enchanted and extra strong. The other was cursed and had the fanaticism aura.

Maltatai: "Hides under his bed shivering in terror" Almost, at least.

Snövit: Those WOULD perhaps have been trouble if I had been one of those primitive tin-heads that the loot god seemed to think I am. But I happen to be a terribly accomplished freezing archer so they ended up as the frozen dessert of the day. Still, a notably unsettling combination worthy of note.

Later, another charming charm! Cold damage is the mightiest and it's only wise to resist it as much as possible. A small charm was creating spinach regularly. Eugh. After a while I got used to the smell and felt like no other poisons could ever harm me as much as before after this hardening experience. I scraped some spinach off it to coat my arrows in. It can replace my previous poison charm that doesn't have a resistance along with the damage.

Lastly, look at this necklace! Resists and skills and more poison damage! Might even be useful if I bring both poison charms. And the ring! SO AWESOME! The most essential things for a bowazon in one single ring! It should be called the ring of bear necessities but then the name may attract druids and we wouldn't want that.

And another amulet that will make me nigh immune to fire together with the dwarf star! Excellent if/when the final battle against Rödluvan takes place! And another charming charm of Rödluvan resistance! I'm swimming in loot, it fills up the whole picture! Need more storerooms!

uk6ZQ0o.jpg


Maltatai: A strong effort by the Blue Snow team! How will the Red Flames counter? Come back for the next episode to see how it goes.

Rödluvan: Red Flames? Blue Snow?

Maltatai: "Shrugs" Adaption to sports events to attract interest. Beware, the next episode may even contain sponsors!

Rödluvan: You wouldn't dare!
Maltatai: Over and out.
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PizzaPolice:
This... Is... Awesome...
Keep Up The Good Work!
Maltatai:
Welcome, welcome! Beware of kicking thieves in introduction threads if you make one.
Snövit and Rödluvan: "shoots salute of freezing and exploding arrows"
pharphis:
A first post! Make an intro thread ;)
@Maltatai,
There are awesome :) I haven't read the latest one, but i'll be sure to do so ;)
djmbbandie:
Still here following. Waiting on the next episode...
mr teach:
same for me - those episodes are hilarious
i one day have to read the older entries
Malevolent:
yeah these are great! especially since they seem to have stopped making OOTS, this is a great alternative!
Maltatai:
OOTS? If that is short for the comic Order of the Stick you have my tremendous thanks for mentioning it, because I looked it up just now and it was really funny :point:
:thanks: everyone for commenting, that's very nice of you :thankyou:
Malevolent:
yeah it is for the order of the stick ( i thought that i should be TOOTS but that sounds rediculous.)
I read them like crazy for a few weeks then i got to the finish about 1 month ago, in that whole month only about 2 new ones have come out, its a travesty!
hopefully they start producing more, it's a great comic.
You might want to try Goblins too, similiar DnD theme with a great story, not as funny but the comic visual and storyline is amazing IMO.
 
Episode 17. Magic Finding Finals Part 2
Maltatai: Do YOU ever get tired of the physically resistant zombie boss packs in Hell Blood Moor that makes you feel that you have entered an impossible difficulty level? Don't YOU find those ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost mobs so obscenely annoying that it's bordering the game-breaking? And would YOU not wish for a safe and sure way to make those Doom- and Oblivion Knight packs shut up and die a second time?

Want to be rid of everything bony and spectral from burning dead to Top Model contestants? Then Holy Bolt is the spell for you! Destroys all undead, regardless of immunities. Holy Bolt - when Sanctuary is too risky and elemental magic too expensive. Holy Bolt - a spell to trust. Holy Bolt - the sound of it will be music to your ears. Order today and you will get a discount at the Congregated Cleric Company which may be used within the next five...

Rödluvan: NOOOO! Begone foul sponsors! Marketing mischief and capitalistic conspiracy! Away with it!

Maltatai: ...AAaand after that short note from our sponsors we continue with the last part of the magic finding finals! The Red Flames are positively burning to present their counter to the last thrilling show of the Blue Snow! Over to you, Rödluvan.

Rödluvan: Just a moment, I am soon done strafing every remaining advertising personnel...

Maltatai: OK, OK, no more advertising. Happy now?

Rödluvan: Oh, yes. My second wave of awesome loot begun with an odd little throwing knife stack. Nice enhancement. The gauntlets I found later were disgustingly white.

Snövit: Sounds beautiful.

Rödluvan: To the disgusting people, naturally. A big maul looked so cool with its skull-shaped head it was hardly believable. Even less believable was the enormous damage on a normal unique item. Wooow...

Maltatai: Commonly known as Bonesnap, yes.

Rödluvan: Moving through the Bloody Foothills I managed to cause a triple volcanic eruption - very nice fireworks hahahaa! A large charm I found ensured I would not accidently get burned by the flames.

Maltatai: Fat chance, with protagonist characters being constantly immune to their own spells...but nice charm.

Rödluvan: I can also proudly announce that the Amazon Collective has recently displayed tremendous care for its servant…employees. Telash is now wearing a most enlightening skull cap that improves his flashing.

Telash: Fear me!

Rödluvan: A pair of boots were great for running bosses for items but lacked resistances. Pity.

Had I been a French Paladin I would have been happier with that hammer. WHY do we get so much melee moron equipment and so little good bows?

And I am not a Barbarian or a Druid either...

A gem shrine provided light in the darkness.

The demonhide sash was ugly but useful.

Then, finally, a real Amazon weapon! Skystrike! It can drop meteors!

Maltatai: Nice, fast bow. But will it do enough damage?

Rödluvan: It is a bit weak. I have kept it for the speed and +skills to use for fire arrows or possibly quick lightning damage against physical/fire immunes. If I had more +skills from an amulet or circlet it would perhaps be worth more than now to get the extra speed. We'll see. Such a shame it wasn't Riphook or Kuko Shakaku.

A pair of demonhide gloves were also great but outdone by a more relevant one I already wear, which have increased attack speed.

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In one other charm I found a little snake resting. It must have been a very strong and sustainable charm because the snake was more or less undisturbed – phew!

After another raid through the countess' stores I was close to cubing a Lum rune!

And for the second time, I am no Barbarian, nor am I a Patriarch! But I liked the flawed topaz. It was almost as charming as the small lightning resistance charm I found.

The Iceblink was a little too late to be useful, yet it is a very interesting armour.

And now, look at those boots!

Maltatai: Good, now you can switch boots depending on what elements seem the most dangerous. That's always good.

Rödluvan: And collect extra taxes, don't forget that. Especially corporations and ice can look forward to a raise, hehehehehe!

Snövit: Over my melted arrows!

Rödluvan: You will have no chance against me! I have a large charm of cold resistance...

Snövit: 4%, ooooh I'm so scared! Not.

Rödluvan: And an Um Rune!

Maltatai: "blinks"

Snövit: "gasping for air" Not...fair...

Rödluvan: Taking advantage of the unusual peace and quiet around here, very nice indeed, I would like to add this lovely little ring here with life stealing and light resistance...I mean lightning resistance.

Once again I must note that I AM NOT A DRUID! They smell funny.

The long war bow had some stylish +skills but I found it too weak and slow. Still splendid skills focus by the bowyer.

Following the discovery of an unusually fine Shael rune...

Maltatai: Unusually fine? Aren't they all the same?

Rödluvan: To the inattentive layman perhaps. Telash assured me that this rune, which was promptly inserted in a purchased blade in the normal shadow realm, is of supreme quality.

Maltatai: I see. How comforting to be reassured by such a knowledgeable, objective and unbiased source.

Rödluvan: Yes...now, early during the first test runs for Telashs new blade I found a great green War Belt! I AM NOT A BARBA...hrm, but it still never hurts to get a new perspective of things and be open to other cultures and styles, eh, hrm, hehe...

Maltatai: I am sure that modified perspective had absolutely nothing to do with the huge resistance and strength bonuses of the belt...

Rödluvan: Yes, strength bonuses! Would you like a demonstration? Perhaps a kick in the guts?

Maltatai: I'm no barrel. You can't kick me.

Rödluvan: Nuts.

Maltatai: First guts, now nuts. Make up your mind!

Rödluvan: Fine, I spare you for now.

Maltatai: Look, there are the gauntlets of quarrelling!

Rödluvan: ???

Maltatai: Frostburn. The name can be associated with both of you, thus being a source of endless discussion and debate. Not that you need one.

Rödluvan: Thank you for the insightful comment. Now to fashion report: red is the colour of the season for boots, if you didnöt know. Someone who does know is Hsarus. AND I AM NOT A SMELLY, CLUMSY, FUR-BRAINED DRUIIIIID!!!

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Maltatai: That concludes the Magic Finding Cup! I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves and your loot.

The hat medal goes to Rödluvan for the grand Grand Crown of Thieves, which is about the most stylish thing she could wear with it's massive red life stealing.

The amulet medal goes to Snövit for finding Plague Torc, the rare medal with +skills and resistances.

The armour medal goes to Snövit for finding Hwanins armour - useful armours have otherwise been mysteriously absent lately.

The ring medal goes to Snövit for the Dwarf Star.

The belt medal goes to Snövit for Thundergods Vigor.

The weapon medal goes to Rödluvan for finding Skystrike.

The boot medal goes to Snövit for the War Traveller.

The glove medal goes to Rödluvan for the Demon Touch rare demonhide gloves.

The rune medal goes to Rödluvan for her obscene luck of getting both a Lem and an Um rune.

The charm (for finding charms, NOT for being charming) medal goes to Snövit for the 30% Ruby Grand charm of Greed (30% fire resistance of course. I can't believe anyone would ask about this).

The best mercenary equipment medal goes to Rödluvan for making both a Lore hat and a Crescent Moon sword for Telash.

And the overall Winner...

Snövit: Yes?

Rödluvan: Me?

Snövit: Me?

Maltatai: ...seems to be Rödluvan at the moment due to her fantastic luck with the runes but the coming trials in the form of fierce battles with the evil legions of evil and the even more evil ancients will decide.

Snövit: WHAT!?

Rödluvan: And what does the winner get? All the loot of the loser, perhaps?

Maltatai: The winner...survives and will be immortalized in eternal glory.

Snövit: So the winner of the Cup is the one who succeeds in slaughtering the last of the incompetent sauerkraut-for-brains demons of Baal?

Rödluvan: HA! Easily done!

Telash: Exactly! Woohooo! Right!

Maltatai: What's up with him?

Rödluvan: It is some sort of after effect of the overjoying experience of receiving the Crescent Moon sword. Do you know how unusual it is for an untwinked Act 3 mercenary to get such a piece of gear? Not to mention to be hired at all in the first place... Oh, I guess you do, you seem quite knowledgeable of this world despite never appearing here. Telash has been even more mad than usual ever since he got to try out that new lightning conductor.

Telash: Lightning conductor?! What?! How dare you insult my supreme weapon like that? I'll have you know that this blade is rune-o-matic
It's systematic
It's hydromatic (on second thought it isn't, water should not be mixed with lightning spells)
I conjure greased lightning!

We'll get some overseer lifters and some four arrow strafe, oh yeah
I keep talking, whoa, keep talking
Foe intestine cutoffs and chrome plated hilt, oh yeah
I get the money, I kill to get the money
With the Ancients on the floor, loot be waiting through the door
You know from just this bit, Snowy Hag will have a fit from greased lightning
Spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell

Rödluvan: Hahahahaha!

Snövit: Snowy Hag!?

Telash: Go greased lightning, you're burning up the demon Baal
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you're flashing through the heat lap trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks'll scream for greased lightning

Rödluvan: You have been more effective lately but don't overdo it, ok?

Telash: I'll get some purple royal mantle and thirty inch crown, oh yeah
Olympic mountain penthouse and dual blondie twins, oh yeah
With new arcs and bolts and shocks I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain't bragging, on the house you'll get your flagon
Greased lightning
Flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash

Go greased lightning, you're burning every Prime Evil
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you're putting Tyrael to trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks will dream, of greased lightning
Bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt

Rödluvan: Now hold up there! I do not DREAM of your lightning spells!

Snövit: What the heck has gotten into your collective?

Maltatai: Keeping with the Greek lightning god delusions of grandeur theme I Think "hubris" is the correct diagnosis. Well, you'll have an interesting time in front of you, Rödluvan. Just don't rely too much on a stealthy approach to monsters.

Rödluvan: ...

Maltatai: Just a thought. I could be wrong, of course, but I think it might be hard with that singing bird behind you.

Rödluvan: Can't we talk about something else?

Maltatai: Like what?

Rödluvan: I don't know. Rabbits.

Maltatai: Rabbits?

Rödluvan: Small, furry creatures with large ears.

Maltatai: I know what rabbits are! What about them?

Rödluvan: How come they manage to survive unharmed in the middle of a battlefield with bloodthirsty demons on all sides and fiery arrows flying all over the place?

Snövit: Yes, they are totally immune to magic! Even stuff that is close to the ground like miss socialist’s volcano.

Maltatai: I don't know. Obviously some hidden power. Perhaps a bit like Khalim, whose body parts proved indestructible for the Zakarum church - just like the barbarians never manage to grill the few rabbits they manage to kill despite holding them over their fires day and night.

Rödluvan: I actually saw this rabbit superpower manifest itself once. It looked a bit like the boons from the protective shrines. Maybe it is the rabbits who have built them all?

b30yUsH.jpg


Maltatai: I'm afraid I don't know who this mysterious Alice is either. I shall have to look it up. I'll ask around among cooperative rockers and dibbling vicars. Over and out.
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Episode 18. The Nightmare Ends
Maltatai: As the sounds of grumpy muttering and coffee being made fades from the retirement home on the peak two heroines and two supportive sidekicks emerge from the dust and snow of the Worldstone keep. Proudly and arrogantly swaggering through the cheering streets (all four of them) of Harrogath they relax and breathe out of relief from having saved the world from this nightmarish nightmare.

Snövit: And then the storyteller realises that they actually stand right in front of him.

Rödluvan: And that he has really made a fool of himself by making such a melodramatic scene setting when the rest of the episode will end up in a mess of bickering and banter as ususal.

Maltatai: Hey! What self-awareness, quite unexpected. You look quite happy both of you. Would you like to share the good news you have perhaps received or experienced?

Snövit: The grumpy old fossils are down and so is Baal! Now I can travel back to Lut Gholein and buy the town as well as get serious with Meshif!

Rödluvan: And I can establish a collective federation of Amazons in the now deserted northlands. The barbarians could surely use some of our enlightening public education!

Maltatai: How was the journey to this magnificent conquests? Would you like to start telling, mighty conqueror Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: In mighty but light red battle gear I went to hell (where Meshif had not told me to go, hehe) to prebuff Fade by one of the braziers in the River of Flame. Ouch, need more absorbing gear. The demons and beast fled for me and the fury burning in my eyes. The sky, or at least the cave roof, rained lightning and the earth trembled.

Maltatai: Now who's melodramatic?

Rödluvan: Well, maybe the leaf or the conifer cone or perhaps the wind. It depends on who is the storyteller. It can be anyone, really.

Snövit: ???

Maltatai: ???

Rödluvan: Just a funny thing a Hydra Sorceress told me about once. Anyway, Madawc the Mongrel was teleporting but not very often. I guess senility has made him forget to use his powers now and then. Korlic the Coconut-head was spectral hitting. Talic the Teabags-for-Brains was extra fast so he must have finished all his tea and only had extra strong coffee to drink lately. All were old and grumpy and complaining about younger generations and their presumed ineptness. Everything was better in my time this and what has the world turned into that and the youth of today blah blah blah…

I ran down southwest to split the enemy up in a sly and cunning way. It did not work because the old-timers had some kind of obsession with crossbows. As soon as I had Langer Briser in my hands they ignored pretty much everything else and came for me. OK, I know I don't look too shabby but hey, hit on someone of your own age! Born in the same millennium at least... The volcanic wrath of Pompeii slowed them a bit and I was never really in any great danger. Even Telash could tank Korlic for quite some time before needing a rejuvie - the only potion spent apart from three mana potions. All in all an embarrassing fail for the retirement home.

Maltatai: Excellent!

Rödluvan: Once inside the keep I found signs of intelligent life even on this remote world. Rödluvan to the base - the explorer team has located intelligent stair planning with the stairs actually built close to each other!

ak0yJEn.jpg


Maltati: While we're dwelling on the subject, how were the antiquities when you faced them, Snövit?

Snövit: Since I have not yet gotten a battle gear armour or hat I wore around 200% magic finding when facing them. On the way to the summit meeting it proved worthwhile when a golden Zweihander dropped (it is by the way an incorrect name: the two-handed swords were called bidenhänder rather than zweihänder in renaissance Germany)! With it in my hands I could enchant our weapons! Not much damage but lovely 100%-ish attack rating bonus! Only thing was...it turned all the weapons red.

Rödluvan: Hahahaha! I always knew you secretly wanted to be me!

Snövit: I did not and do not! Korlic was obsessed with me too. I guess he was just jealous of my skill with a halberd. Man, it feels GOOD to swing away with that thing, which I had socketed and Shael:ed the same day. Korlic was stone skinned and immune to physical. Duh, big deal... Madawc had a blessed aim aura but he really would have needed a blessed intelligence one because he never managed to get in position properly to aim. Talic was extra fast now as well. He's a real addict. Old fossiles who can't get through the day without regular cup of coffee - is there anything more pathetic?

I also got QUITE a great map for the second level of the Worldstone keep. Beat that, Rödluvan! The third was also good. At the red basement I faced an outrageous stairtrap! Minotaurs...no sense of decency or style. Baals minions were not too much of a trouble, only the second and third wave threatened to destroy my valkyrie. I felt a bit sorry for the poor fallen ones under Colenzo, who had to endure seeing his whole pack melt. Achmel was disgusting and his poison aura seemed to linger even after he was dead. Weird. The hydras were disturbingly strong but the venom lords laughable. Demonic ice cream, anyone? The same goes for the minions of not-too-much-destruction. I'm such an artist, I create sculptures in the middle of battle!

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Rödluvan: I found the minions of destruction equally pathetic, hardly even putting a dent into my valkyries armour. The venom lords and their inferno were harder on her, though. But then, it is after all a fire attack and fire is, as everyone knows, dangerous compared to cold or poison or other less important resists.

Snövit: But for the enemy it is an entirely different matter!

Rödluvan: I owned them with strafe mainly. Open wounds RUUUULE!

Maltatai: Yes, I am growing fonder of it every time I play with a wounding character.

Rödluvan: Baal took some time since I lack crushing blow (must get it, red and useful) and Telash doesn't swing his sword enough to process the static field. Eventually he passed out and away. 20+ % life stealing is REALLY nice to have. I do miss weaken charges from a Smoke armour. Hope I'll get one in the future. Then, AFTER everything was secure, the heavenly h@x0r and completely clumsy corroded-rust-for-brains Arch-moron appeared...five and a half metres south of my location looking at the wall. How can anyone entrust even a broken paperbag to this dunghead?

Snövit: We were both, as heretical and blasphemous as it may sound, approaching Tyrael in a coordinated and cooperating manner. The dumb sod was obviously terrified of our rightful wrath but tried to hide it under his usual serene and pompous voice. We asked...

Rödluvan: Roared, I think.

Snövit:...roared how he could miss the whole damned stone that takes up the whole east side of the bridge and why he didn't send someone more accurate if he has such aiming trouble. The fool responded that he would not entrust the sacred mission to anyone of less faith and religious incorruptibility and purity.

Rödluvan: In a shorter, more concise version: He wanted all the glory for himself.

Snövit: Precisely. We spent some more time making sure it was clear exactly what we thought of him and what we had had to go through because the idiot missed last time. Tyrael finally promised to do better this time and opened his portal into "safety".

Rödluvan: But we did of course not use it, being created by that clot. It would probably have led right into a dark abyss or a giant barrel filled with spinach. Instead we took a town portal each back to Harrogath and then back home to the Amazon Islands.

Snövit: But first we stopped to go through the loot and demon corpses. I found myself some VERY nice BLUE gloves from Baals wardrobe. Funny how someone so disgusting keeps such stylish clothing. I had Larzuk personalize them, so they are now "Snövit's Laying Of Hands". Enourmously fashionable!

QqWZrBq.jpg


Rödluvan: I modified them a little...

Maltatai: What? How?

Snövit: Pfeh! She means her immature prank of pasting a piece of cloth with the Words "soon to be felt by Meshif" on them.

Rödluvan: Which is totally correct.

Snövit: Be that as it may, I still think it's ridiculous. By the way, shall we start with the Soul Killers?

Rödluvan: That will be excellent. Could you pass the sauce and the pepper, please?

Maltatai: Soul Killers? And polite requests???

Rödluvan: Ehrm, yes. We are temporarily out of jokes about each other so we have made a truce for now. And to celebrate our victory and the end of this horrible nightmare one needs a grand feast! So we thought about all those demon corpses lying around being useless. The Soul Killers which we both encountered are just the right size for being impaled on a spike - Waheed is great at that - and roasted over the fire. I will of course handle the roasting while Snövit takes care of the cool drinks and the dessert. Telash is setting up the lamps and light and lightning. It will be excellent!

Snövit: I sent Deckard Cain with an invitation to Meshif too. He should be here any time!

Maltatai: Wow, I've never heard of a waypoint on the Amazonian Islands!

Rödluvan: Come on, you know they're everywhere! One can consider oneself fortunate not to discover one in ones bedroom. Those Horadrim really are one trespassing and nosy bunch of magi. Oh, look! There's our guests!

Snövit: Aaaaah! Must get my new gloves! How does my armour look? Is the ponytail allright?

Rödluvan: I would start with checking my breathing if were you. Calm down, you look fine. Except for needing to change colours but we can talk about that later. Now to the grand fireworks of red and blue and white arrows we have prepared! We'll set it off as soon as the Worldstone is down. Should be anytime now.

Snövit: What's that rumbling sound?

Maltatai: It seems to come far from the north. About the direction in which Mount Arreat lies...I think it is high time to destroy that corrupted stone now...

Distant voice: Come on Tyrael, you can do it...nobody else must be allowed to get the glory...breathe out, aim and AWAY!!!

Rödluvan: There's more rumbling! And I can hear a foul demonic voice laughing in the distance!

Distant voice: NO! Darn it, missed again! Oookay, nobody saw it. Now, I just need to find my sword and try again, where is it...I know it went down somewhere here...

Distant foul demonic voice: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Snövit: It can't be! He can't have...

Rödluvan: The...the thing is huge! It covers your whole view! How can you...

Maltatai: It seems he...missed it again...oh dear, look at that swirling mass of black oblivion coming this way! Take cover!

Snövit: Meshif!

Rödluvan: The feast!
Maltatai: Over and out!
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Episode 19. Welcome to Hell
Maltatai: Ah, hello. It's nice to see you all here. Now, as the more perceptive of you probably realised by now, this is hell...and I am the author, good evening...but you can call me the single Malt if you like. We try to keep things informal here as well as infernal...that's just a little joke. I tell it every time. Now, you're all here for...eternity, oh...which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time. So you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end. But for know I'm going to have to split you up into Groups - will you stop screaming! Thank you. Now, murderers...assassins over here please...thank you. Looters and pillagers - find item Barbarians - here... Thieves, if you could join them - converting Paladins - and attract/confuse Necromancers you're in that lot too! Fornicators, if you could step forward...my goodness there are lot you! Aah, can I split you up into casters and the rest? Druids, if you could just form a line in front of that small fallen with a scimitar in the corner.

Aah, the Amazons, are you here? If you'd just like to come down here with the rogues...I'm sure you have plenty to talk about! Ok, aaahem...mercenaries, mercenaries over here please. Cleverly serving only "temporarily" "for money" - you must be feeling a right bunch of nitwit. And finally Zakarumites. Zakarumites...ah yes I'm sorry, I'm afraid the heretics were right. If you could step forth here that would be really fine. Ok, right, well, are there any questions?

Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets at all available here or anywhere. If you'd read your game manual you might have seen that it was damnation without relief. So if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you are not going to enjoy yourself very much...but then I believe that's the idea. Ok, well it's over to you Diablo, and I'll catch you all later at the barbeque. Bye.

Rödluvan: I can't believe it! Have you defected to the foul demonic side?

Snövit: Wit is the path to the dark side. Wait a second, is it?

Maltatai: Of course not! I am myself, thank you very much, and this is the introduction to the veritable hell you two have had the misfortune to end up in. I found an inspiring text entitled "A Warm Welcome" written by someone called "Toby". It was hidden in a small forest of rowan by the village of Atkinsington. Maybe Toby wrote the mouldy tome as well?

In any case, the situation looks as bad as it seems. And it seems as bad as it looks. The seams of your quivers looks to be unravelling too...

Rödluvan: Bah, these useless bolt quivers! A bolt is SMALLER than an arrows. How can bolt quivers be containing FEWER projectiles than arrow quivers? It doesn't make sense.

Snövit: So this is yet another, EVEN WORSE, reversal to the starting point caused by the energies of the last Worldstone which was corrupted by Baal because Tyrael missed it?

Maltatai: Yes. And being an even worse stone – due to the first missing and the following corruption of the world turning it into a nightmare – the added corruption by the nightmarish Baal has turned the world even worse if that can be imagined.

Rödluvan: It can! Immune monsters, enemy leaders with three enhancements each, massive drops in resistance that can barely be compensated for even with full battle gear - Aaaaah!

Snövit: We encountered trouble right outside the gates of the rogue camp. I can't believe how hardy the zombies have gotten! The poison damage and fire from the Kuko Shakaku is really handy on these occasions. As is the enchant charges from the Todesfaelle Flamme. I actually found a second such sword in the Col Plains, but with more charges which saved thousands of gold pieces for me!

Maltatai: Neat. Can you afford the cost of using that thing regularly?

Snövit: Yes! With the gold from dwarf star and occasional picking up of items for bonus cash it almost always evens out or even ends up with some profit. With three charges, repairs and buying potions and scrolls my company needs to assemble around 10 000 gold in 360 seconds. It's quite manageable. I was a bit sceptical to all this "sustainable development" talk but there are sound economical thinking involved too after all.

Maltatai: Three charges? Did I really hear that?

Snövit: What? Oh, come on! Honestly, I'm not nearly as selfish as some may have slandered. Both Waheed and the valkyrie get their charge as well. The damage is of course pathetic but the attack rating rules.

Rödluvan: I'm impressed, Snövit. There may yet be some hope for you.

Maltatai: For someone in hell you both seem healthy. How far have you got into it and how has it worked out?

Snövit: We have rescued Cain the Senile and claimed the waypoints up to the Dark Wood and the marshes next to it. The fallen ones melt before me and my mighty gloves of demon slaying but the big hairy apes are troublesome. Since I have dropped Cleglaws I have no knockback and that is a big disadvantage when facing ape bosspacks. Waheed is sadly underequipped but the fearsome mask works decently. But I am NOT going to wear it. It lacks the resistances I need. And I would like some +skill levels too on a hat.

Rödluvan: Naturally. That is of course the whole explanation.

Maltatai: The hideous looks have obviously nothing to do with it whatsoever. How did you handle the fire immune fallen ones, Rödluvan? They must be troublesome with no corpse control.

Rödluvan: It works all right actually. My upgraded Langer Briser and venom is so powerful I can shoot them down faster than the shamans raise them up and the knockback ensures some control of the field. Because of my lack of +skills, strafe has become my main attack except against small, tightly packed mobs and physically resistant foes.

Maltatai: Why not have a full review of equipment and skills?

Rödluvan: Because it's boring, overly technical and not really relevant before the end. And because you requested it.

Snövit: lol.

Rödluvan: But I'm still a generous one, so here it is:

Gloves: Rare ones with 20 cold resist, 20 increased attack speed and 15 magic finding
Hat: Crown of Thieves with RED jewel of fervor
Shoulder Pads: Smoke quilted armour
Rest of the Body: Seemingly bare skin and red boots, gloves and Amazonian swimsuit
Belt: Immoral Kings Detail (No, it is not "Immortal" Kings Detail -“ you would not believe what things are engraved on the inside of this belt. "Immoral" is the least you can call it!)
Boots: Rare ones with 20 faster running, 10 faster hit recovery, 29 cold resist, 26 poison resist
Left ring: Manald Heal
Right ring: Rare with 103 attack rating, 6% life stealing, 24 mana, 21 cold resist
Amulet: Rare with 4% mana steal, 41 lightning resist, 12 cold and poison resist, 17 fire resist and 14 strength

Weapons: Upgraded Langer Briser with a Shael/Pompeiis Wrath and Shael'd socketed soon-to-be-Rhyme Pavise

Peaceful breastplate in the cube to summon a valkyrie

Level: 73
Life: 922
Mana: 289
Resistances: 75/56/75/22

Skills:

Exploding Arrow: 20
Fire Arrow: 20
Strafe: 1

Pierce: 3
Penetrate: 15
Decoy: 11
Valkyrie: 1

All prerequisites: 1

Telash Equipment:

Crescent Moon Lightning Conductor that looks like a broad sword
Treachery ring mail that I borrow to power up venom
Lore skull cap
Ancient's Pledge in a kite shield

Maltatai: Zzzzzz...

Rödluvan: I TOLD you it would be boring!

Maltatai: Huh? Oh, right...and how about you, Snövit?

Snövit:

Gloves: Snövit's blue gloves of demon nightmares, sometimes known as Snövit's Laying of Hands
Ties to the gloves: Piece of cloth with the Words "soon to be felt by Meshif" written by childish redling
Hat: Chromatic circlet, 22 resist all
Body: Gemmed gothic plate with Sapphire, BLUE jewel of fervor, Ort and Thul runes
Belt: Thundergods Vigor
Boots: War Traveller
Left ring: Ring of Minor Smeg, also known as Dwarf Star
Right ring: Rare ring with 4 maximun damage, 30 lightning resist, 5 fire resist and 5% mana stealing
Amulet: Rare amulet with +1 Amazon skill levels, 50 poison damage, 17 resist all, 4 dexterity

Weapons: Kuko Shakaku with Shael/Snövits Woestave

Todesfaelle Flamme in the cube to enchant
Peaceful ring mail and Gymnastic amulet in the stash to summon a valkyrie

Level: 74
Life: 853
Mana: 167
Resistances: 75/49/67/-17

Skills:

Magic Arrow: 20
Guided Arrow: 20
Frozen Arrow: 20
Cold Arrow: 10

Passive and Magic Skills: 1 each

Prerequisistes: 1 each

Waheed stuff
The Face of Rödluvan...Horror
Hawkmail
Savage Thresher (hope to cube it to something better later)

Rödluvan: Zzzzzzz...

Maltatai: Yaaawn...great. Now the formalities are done and everyone will know just how dangerous the hellish path through this hell will be. The thrilling suspense will reach to the skies I am sure.

Here are some of the lucky finds Rödluvan managed to confiscate under the pretext of taxation, the funny decoy whose Kuko Shakaku does not get enchant-coloured, some of the more irritating foes and a picture of the well-known tourist attraction of Tristram:

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Snövit: Speaking of Tristram, we actually told Akara straight away that we should go and rescue Cain immediately but it was like talking to a painting!

Rödluvan: The old hag did not even pretend to be listening. I guess this resetting of the world has been to much of a shock for her mind, or maybe Andariel decided to forgo the usual corruption spell and instead cast "Amplify Senility" on her.

Maltatai: Undoubtly. Surely she would have listened to good advice otherwise and been able to alter the plans. Over and out.
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mr teach:
wonderful - especially the introduction to hell ^^
Maltatai:
:)
Played through a bit of act 1 tonight, after a break with Medieval II with the Broken Crescent mod. Rödluvan has reached the Outer Cloister ans Snövit the inner one. The countess dropped a Tir and Ral rune for Rödluvan...epic...
With the caves and tower done the more dangerous parts of the act are finished I think (and just because I wrote that both will of course die in the caracombs or something). Thanks for reading, everyone.
Malevolent:
dont thank us for reading! we thank you for writing! 👍
 
Episode 20. One Hell of an Act
Waheed: Hi all, Waheed here. Which you already know since you read the name of the talker with the two dots after it which precedes this quote. Unless you were too tired to read it properly, of course. Not too much is known about me except that I am the mercenary of Snövit and the main reason she hasn't turned into a blue gothic tin can of sausages for demon picnics. If you hear any nonsense of her having to get me out of trouble regularly I advise you to dismiss it entirely and save yourselves the trouble of dealing with two conflicting viewpoints and perspectives of reality. Much better to adopt a linear and polarized ideology such as "listen to all the wise words of Waheed and spread his celestial message across the lands and underworlds". But you can let that last thing be if you like. I'm cool with that.

I'm quite cool with most things nowadays. Back ages ago when I served under Rödluvan in normal I was way more focused and stressed up and such. Always aiming to do everything with the greatest precision and flawless accuracy. Man, being a blessed aim town guard isn't healthy in the long run. Waaay too stressful. Now I chill out and take it easy with the holy freeze which is much better.

In my infinite wisdom I suppose you have questions for me, more precisely two questions. The answer to the first question is: No, I am not going to work as a bartender chilling drinks at the Etdhlaq Memorial Bar. What kind of name for a bar is that anyway?

Regarding what has transpired since last episode, this has happened:

After the latest murderous rampage across the Den of Evil and Blood Ravens demise (watching Snövit shoot guided arrows at her was hilarious) the rogues really settled down and started to chill out a bit. Even Akara got notably happier after we rescued her secret love ("wise man" or "deep knowledge of the Primes" my ***) Deckard Cain from Tristram. I can't blame the rogues for being upset with all the hanged and corrupted rogues all over the land (that sisterhood must have been enormous before all this happened) and being thrown out of their home and stuff. Telash managed to lighten up the mood as usual but at the end of the day the eyes were on me (he'll tell you otherwise but don't believe that). Having an aura of coolness about you is pretty neat sometimes. Now wonder holy freeze is so popular.

The food here is a bit lame. We tried roasting a fallen fallen one but it took hours and the meat was barely warm. Bloody fire resistance and bloody steaks! The wendigos were easier to cook but they are so hairy it's not worth the trouble. Heck, they're even hairy o the inside! I don't even think an experienced flayer chef could handle that dish. In the end we settled for roasted quill rats. They don't have much meat but the spiky quills are excellent for making shish-kebab of them. In the time between questing and adventuring (very long periods sometimes) me and Telash usually sits up late with the rogues eating roasted demons and drinking some of Akaras nastier mana potions. Rödluvan and Snövit join us occasionally but spend absurdly much time counting their money and writing down notes.

While money is abundant from the loot the expenses are apparently high too. Snövit uses enchant and Rödluvan has started to rely more and more on the weaken charges from her armour. I think Rödluvan is writing some sort of political manifesto but I don't know what Snövit is scribbling. The rogues Heather and Liene managed to catch a glimpse of her book once and claim that she is filling page after page with meaningless variations of Meshif's name and heart-shaped objects, along with potential charming lines in case he doesn't remember anything from the past lives. I seriously hope they're wrong, I mean, nothing wrong with chilling out on a ship together and so, but if word of that diary gets out while I'm still employed my cred will drop like a drunken sand raider. They also claimed she was storing a "mancatcher" in her stash. I think that is a little bit drastic. Why not just chill out about it and talk about the stuff like before? It worked all right last difficulty level. Just beat Duriel, and you're bound to break the ice...although that may be harder now, given the increased level of the Frozen arrows, hehehe.

While slowly slugging our way through the western kingdoms (I've always wondered if we really cross any border or if we stay in one kingdom and in that case which one) I am struck by the difference terrain now makes, rather than monster types and immunities. Our little adventuring party is so underpowered when it comes to tanking ability that we have to be extra careful not to get swarmed, even by freezeable monsters, and make the most of the few freezing arrows Snövit can get off before her mana potions run out. A mobile battle is usually the best - having enemies spread out and picking off one at a time with the rest being knocked back or diverted by decoys. The stupidity of monsters never ceases to amaze me. Really, who could mistake that stationary, passive idiot thing for a real Amazon? On the other hand, nobody here has met Amazon's, so maybe they think those are a stationary people just standing around doing nothing. In that case, they must think it was Amazons who were supposed to handle the part of the European Euro project that was about actually cooperating financially and stick to the rules.

We faced a really tough pack in the catacombs. I promise! It's just the melting frozen arrows that destroy all corpses. Sigh. It makes it very hard to brag properly about it afterwards. Those catacombs at the third level were freaking unbearable! We encountered a pack of banished ones just before the stairs down. I died two times. But don't tell anyone, please? It's not my bloody fault! How am I suppose to handle all that fireballing without life stealing and with only 10% extra fire resistance from my items? This whole campaign has had really rotten luck when it comes to spears and pole arms. I died against Andariel too. I hear that Telash survived. Utterly embarrassing. A mage from Act three succeeds where an act two town guard fails...I'll never hear the end of it! Just because the little redling gets to keep his distance and Rödluvans overgrown valkyrie and decoy can last two breaths instead of a half like Snövits.

Just before breaking into Andariels room Snövit had the mancatcher IMBUED by Charsi (she really is desperate I thought...). But she was giving it to me! What the heck...I am not the one in need of that. I don't swing that way... In a sense I actually don't swing at all because I jab and thrust with all weapons despite how well suited they are for slashing. But I don't swing that way off duty either. I don't know what romanticized nonsense someone may have conjured up about the desert mercenary bands but we're just a bunch of colleagues and comrades. Seriously. Get a grip.

On closer inspection it turned out that this mancatcher is a form of elite spear, very quick and with decent range. Oh, well, how am I supposed to know that? It's not like I've been reading the Arreat Summit Magazine on every watch, like some others I could mention... What kind of silly name is that for a weapon anyway? And no improvement after slaying Andariel either. You should have seen Snövit's face after seeing the pathetic low-level loot that we were rewarded with. The face of horror would have paled in comparison as well as paled in fear, had I not looked away in time. At least Andariel did not destroy any blue-clad valkyrie like the one she managed to summon earlier in the cold plains, that would probably have made Snövit explode.

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Right, so much about our adventures. I suppose I should tell you a bit about how Rödluvan's team fared. Right, they...I mean of course left since they are clearly the left wing party here. So, left, they have apparently had an easier time than we had.

With her abominable high taxes Rödluvan is stealing mana and life at a tremendous rate and with Telash usually staying reasonably out of harms way they have managed to maintain a rather pompous supply of rejuvenation potions. I'm sure they're very dusty by now and taste dusty as well. Why are they suddenly so strict about drinking? Chill out, I say. With strafe and the sturdy decoy, the redlings can fight pitched battles most of the time but without any freezing they are in trouble if trapped in a tiny cramped area. Rödluvan is lucky to have completed her Rhyming shield by now, thanks to an eth-ic rune she found in the Tamoe highland.

In the Forgotten Tower, which everyone still remembers well in the rogue camp, Rödluvan and her team faced a stairtrap but luckily it was not one of the nastier. The countess herself was graceful enough to drop a Ral and Tir rune... How extraordinarily epic hahahaha! Perhaps she thought they should make a leaf staff since Rödluvan was so much into fire skills?

After having claimed the Outer Cloister waypoint Rödluvan took a long break. The she charged through all the way to the Cathedral in one long questing session. Reason? Come on, you should know by now. It had of course absolutely nothing to do with monster spawns or item luck. She got a shiny red (the deep dark life red, not the orange returned damage red) valkyrie and wanted to enjoy the sight for as long as possible. Just when getting out of jail, the red team met a combined force of dark ones backed up by bone mages. Cursed and mighty... The thing is, Rödluvan thought she would go around to flank the dark ones and have some space, but when entering the jail exit building through south gate she ran right into the skeletal spellcasters! A bit of battlefield reconnaissance next time perhaps, oh great field marshal?

The strawberry skulls also met a nasty pack in the catacombs, resulting in a bloody mess. Unfortunately for them it did not fit into the small piece of the picture page assigned to them so it was fairly useless for bragging. The stupid Stormstrike short battle bow seems to haunt the two heroines. Rödluvan came upon it again in a storeroom in the catacombs.

The battle against Andariel begun with a VERY disappointing fainting of the peaceful valkyrie due to the stench. It seems like you just can't get the minions to do the job nowadays. Alas, alas. In any case, the exploding arrows did the trick just like Snövit's freezing arrows and Andariel went down after a chase around the blood pool. Although I should point out that Rödluvan was the first to slay her. If that really matters. She got a really great shot of her just before the giant Dungeons-and-Dragons-flamestrike-spell fire pillar appeared. Maiden of Anguish indeed, it looks like. Unless she is only studying the state of her fingernails after the battle, as she is going home for the first time since...a long time ago whose date is not relevant but probably procurable from the memory and library of Deckard Cain. You wouldn't believe how vain some employers can get, even in the middle of a dangerous questing session! Luckily, I don't waste my time on those petty things. Just chill out, I say.

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Maltatai: Did I hear something over there in the distance just beyond the proverbial corner? It sounded almost like narrating.

Snövit: I didn't hear anything. Check!

Maltatai: Hey, that's no wonder since you just made a valiant effort of making the rest of us deaf, exclaiming your triumph over taking both of Rödluvans towers. Why do you value towers so much? Sure they're great at the end of the game but you throw everything else away just to keep them safe.

Rödluvan: Duh, towers give elevation bonuses for archers. Need I say more?

Maltatai: But not in chess, dammit! I've already explained this... And the queen can not attack from afar, she must move to the tile and stay there. Melee. Not just slashing once with a slowing axe blade and running off to make a pincushion of the bishop.

Rödluvan: Hey, she's the queen. She wouldn't be that if she didn't know how to handle a battle properly.

Maltatai: But again, this is not a tabletop role playing or warhammer game, this is chess where the queen moves...

Telash: And why can you only target one foe per turn? What about lightning and strafe and multishot?

Maltatai: ---------. Maltatai to mothership: Requesting immediate recall. One to beam up.

Telash: What?

Maltatai: No! You make single target attacks always! They are all unblockable and in melee range and result in the immediate demise of the foe! Chess is a game not a precise battlefield simulation, how many times do I need to tell you?

Snövit: But...
Waheed: Be cool. Over and out.
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SunsetVista:
That was a fun read. Especially the frost-covered screenshot. Thanks Waheed!
mr teach:
Ah wonderful have been looking forward to this....
nice to read from Waheeds POV
Maltatai:
Happy to be of service. The next update will be a more musical one. And dusty and sandy since it covers act 2.
mr teach:
i am so looking forward to this
zaphodbrx:
Great! Loved the 'mancatcher' stuff.
Maltatai:
Small status update; At level 77, Snövit has beaten Fangskin and Fangskins little helper. The entire first level of the claw viper temple was filled with serpents ONLY. Cold immune and happy to knock back decouys and knock down minions. Stairtrapped when entering the temple and pushed against the wall by Fangskin (like her idol Livexia back in the days) and then his minions after sprinting past him (not something I have ever done before). Waheed sacrificed himself heroicly to make it all possible. But he's cool about that.

This was a bloody horror movie! Hate you, slithering scum! May Rödluvan humiliate you!

Textwise, the update is growing rapidly and I am seriously contemplating splitting it up into two parts.
 
Episode 21. Hellish Deserters
Maltatai: After some unknown entity messed up the episodes totally and confused everything I can now shed some light on the situation and conclude that Snövit and Rödluvan have made it to Act II. So apparently the first Act was not very noteworthy. It must have all been a total vacation for everyone. Especially Waheed probably had no difficulty at all and surely provided great tanking at the lower levels of the catacombs. Perhaps he would enjoy some magic finding from Andariel? Since he is so cool about everything, apparently, I am sure he will not mind.

Many chaotic chess games passed while the caravan of Warriv conducted sightseeing while searching for the mystical passage to the town. The main gate (without any actual gate - just a hole in the thin wall) does, as everyone know, lead only to the linear places that are surrounded by apparently impassable rocks beyond which all the cactuses of the desert grow. But there must be some sort of hidden way that all the caravans use. Unless of course the town that all dark wanderers and adventurers (also known as travelling monster murderers) reach is just a tiny part of the whole Lut Gholein and the rest is hidden somewhere else. Like the Kurast Docks that are on the other side of Kurast as the city itself or the Monastery Graveyard that is located several huge plains and an underground passage from the actual monastery.

Snövit: Yes, yes, yes whatevercanIpleasetellaboutMeshifnowpleasepleasepleaseplease!

Maltatai: That's more politeness in one sentence than in your whole previous career I think. Fine, fine, how did it work out?

Rödluvan: THIS will be a long tale.

Telash: I'll get my sleeping rug set up.

Waheed: I think Atma is selling some long-lasting provision packages. I hope five weeks rations will be enough.

Snövit: HEY! Silencium!

Rödluvan: "Whistling"

Snövit: "Shoots stern glare at Rödluvan" Right. After the customably dusty field trip with Warrivs caravan I found myself appalled by seeing him turn into his "best clothes" when meeting Sultan Wannabe-Prince-of-Persia Jerhyn. What a moronic twist by the otherwise sensible (blue) Warriv! Even Jerhyn dresses better than that! A red turban - "shudder". Jerhyn boasted about his position as usual but I wasn't very interested. He's a slimy harem-hiding git of the most clichéd kind. He would not listen at all when I tried to explain to him about Diablo having already wandered to the Tomb of Tal Rasha and me needing entrance into his palace. It was as if he was just reading lines from an uninspired script! No wonder I kept my back turned to him for the better part of the conversation (better since I didn't need to see him) but he kept going as if he had my full attention.

When I turned to Warriv and gossiped a bit, Jerhyn turned to stare very harshly at him and sure enough, Warriv was quick to go into a tiresome tirade of Jerhyns qualities that nobody would believe a word of, even under unbiased circumstances. Obviously Jerhyn is oppressing free enterprising and trade in a foul and oppressive way in order to extort this kind of forced complimenting. Cunning as I am I went around in the town a bit, steering conversations towards gossip about Meshif and what he may like and not like, in a most sly and ingenious but at the same kind thoughtful and considerate way.

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Rödluvan: Cunning and careful as a cougar on the prowl, grrroarrr!

Telash: "S******"

Waheed: "Chortle"

Snövit: How would you like to spend the Act hanging by your feet from the roof in Jerhyns palace? I promise you it can be arranged! If interested, please sign this contract. If not, please refrain from further immature obnoxiousness.

Rödluvan: I'll be quiet as a mouse.

Snövit: Good.

Rödluvan: Quiet as a mouse hiding from a huge mountain cat.

Snövit: ...

Snövit: Now I hope I will be free from further interruptions after twice stating that I am the one talking. It was nervous as this difficulty level to speak to Meshif again. He's so handsome! And has such a blue shirt. I don't think he recognised me but it felt like we knew each other nevertheless. When he greeted me it felt just like the first time, which it may technically have been. Damn this messed up respawning and resetting! I wondered if it had perhaps been a mistake bringing the vakyrie along. She looked stunningly good in that tasteful outfit and has a certain beaming charisma about her...charming is always hard when you have to avoid being overshadowed by your friends, even when their loyalty are beyond question and they can be unsummoned if needed.

Meshif told me he had informed Greiz about a find that could be linked to Radament but hadn't been taken very seriously. Outrageous! Stupid merc-jerk not listening to the responsible and caring sea captains of the town! Not only that, but why had he not sealed the sewer entrance at the docks, closest to Meshifs ship!? Scandalous! To lift Meshifs spirits (No, not literally, do I look like a necromancer to you? And I did not ask you, Rödluvan!) I asked if I could see his ship. It was great to be onboard it again but Meshif still hasn't had that leaky hole in the roof of my (former) cabin fixed! Or again. Well, this time I will point it out in due time before we are to set sail. Maybe we can use the stock of the Langer Briser, there is some massive good quality timber there. And I bet it's practically water resistant by now from endless repairing smiths oiling it.

Rödluvan: Don't you touch!

Snövit: Lut Gholein it certainly a city of jewels. I found two gem shrines, just in the sewers! Someone had their priorities wrong when drawing blueprints for this place I say. The sewers were quite dangerous with many nasty archers and stinking dried corpses that harmed my valkyrie a lot. Thankfully Freezing Arrow was awesome and melted them almost like fallen ones. In the lowest and most stinking level, Radament was lurking as usual. His little army had lost all sense of direction and tactics and went for me spontaneously without backing from their boss. Not that that would have helped them very much from becoming little pools of murky melt water. Radament himself was furious and so foul-mouthed he almost destroyed my valkyrie. I had to get back up to heal her. Then I slashed Radament with the mighty Woestave which shut him up when combined with the icy arrows and holy freeze. Although Waheed kept his distance during a big part of the battle, if I remember correctly.

Waheed: I did not! I was conducting a precautionary sweep of the surrounding area.

Snövit: I know. Chill out, man. I actually appreciate you staying away from poisonous mummy breath when I can handle it from a safe distance. It saves a lot of potions. So be cool. I'm cool with it.

Telash and Rödluvan: :D

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Snövit: Reading the book of skill again was nice, but telling Meshif about it was nicer. He even called me "mate". He said the awful moaning of that fiend had kept him awake at night. The poor thing! I said it was all my pleasure to help with that and asked if there was aaanything else I could do for him? Meshif said he couldn't think of any but would tell me at once when he needed some new heroics done. I responded by smiling my most beaming smile and bowing both courtly, courteously and courting. The effect was somewhat ruined when my armour creaked - it had gotten rusty from all the sewer moisture. I have to get myself a Sapphire Dress of Voluptuousness or something for the future. Or in any case at least have Fara oil and polish my gothic plate armour.

Regarding that about being kept awake by awful moaning...well, at least the moaning won't be awful in the future, mate...

Rödluvan: ...

Waheed: What's up with your face, Rödluvan? You look like a tomato about to explode.

Maltatai: I believe it is the early stages of Laughter Explosion (skill level 17 at least). Take cover.

Rödluvan: BwaaahaHAHAHAHAhahahihihihihi! I..."gasp"....pity Meshif...if it comes to...him having to...endure that in the...future...hahahahahaa! Awful moaning...to say the least! MY REDNESS, that made the last boat trip trying! I know the inner walls of a ship can't be too thick in order to save weight but still...some of us needed our sleep!

Snövit: I. WAS. SEASICK.

Rödluvan: Above deck, yes. Below deck...that's one strangely pleasant kind of seasickness if I ever heard one!

Telash: Seriously, Red, that was below the belt.

Rödluvan: I'm sure it was.

Snövit: NO! Below the belt as in unfair duelling or banter! Not any sort....wait... You've been eavesdropping.

Rödluvan: On you? Who do you think I am? That I would...get a grip!

Snövit: You did?! YOU DID!!!

Rödluvan: "Whistling"

Telash: Hey! You stepped on my ankle almost every time! "Go out to get some fresh air", my body part soon kicked if facing lightning immunes on my own!

Rödluvan: I did actually continue out to get some fresh air too. And laugh.

Waheed: "Chuckle" Chill out, boss. She's just jealous. Or she has a secret crush on you.

Snövit: Not even the wisest of sages and diviners could ever conclude which of the alternatives would be most appalling.

Maltatai: Laughter explosion being cast on Telash. Take cover and prepare to evacuate.

Waheed: The tomato season looks to be coming early this year... Cool.

Snövit: I can scarcely believe this! SPIED ON by my very own nemesis and arch-enemy!

Rödluvan: And...friend. And I really meant no harm. It was just so great seeing you meet Meshif and having a good time. Or maybe more like hearing the last thing rather than seeing it. But I promise you that you gasp, banter, sigh, moan, complain, pant and whine about just about everything in the most flawless way.

Waheed: I can totally confirm that.

Telash: And coming from Rödluvan, her's is an expert's assessment.

Snövit: Friend?

Rödluvan: Ehm...yes? That felt strange to say. I bet my mouth will soon turn green... And I promise you I have no interest in interfering between you and Meshif. He's a nice guy but not my type. And he has almost as weird tastes as you - blue clothes "shudder"... And I bet you have icy cold feet that would keep me awake at night if nothing else...

Snövit: I guess that is good to hear...friend. But you'll still be my arch-enemy, won't you?

Rödluvan: Of course, don't worry!

Snövit: And I'll be yours.

Maltatai: Terribly sorry (not) to break into this touching confirmation of bonds of enmity, but can we get on with the rest of the desert episode? I believe there was a Horadric issue of staff management? One that involved astonishingly little human resources for being a staff issue...

Snövit: I already have the Horadric cubicle...cube...so I wasn't originally planning on visiting the Halls of the Dead, but then I read somewhere about the apparent attractiveness of female tomb raiders so I decided to visit all possible tombs. I started with the Stony Tomb but it didn't contain any particularly attracting feature, only a creeping feature.

Maltatai: I think that tomb raiding thing is just something someone decided to make up. Nothing worth looking into, really.

Snövit: Make-up? In those dusty tombs? I certainly didn't find any. But now that you mention it, some of the deadlings had ornamented face masks and many cosmetic products are toxic just like the mummies. Perhaps it is produced by them?

Maltatai: No! Make up as in two words and as in imagine and create something fictional! Uuuuuh...of all the silly things to come up with...

Snövit: I do in any case never use any make-up.

Maltatai: Wise. It's really not nearly as appreciated by guys as undead sellers would have you believe.

Snövit: It's completely superfluous. If you want to colour your lips you just take some drops of demon blood. Lasts much longer and you can get many different colours.

The Rocky Waste held boss pack after boss pack after boss pack of foes. I think I faced five or six in a row. Waheed was killed off screen by an extra fast cursed leaper pack. I have vowed to myself not to let minions tank where I can't see them. From then on things went smoothly through the Dry Hills - not very hilly - and the Far Oasis. Frozen Arrow melted almost anything. Insect swarms usually melted in one shot. I contemplated for a moment to go after the staff in the Maggot Lair but decided to postpone it.

Maltatai: Would it take up too much space in your inventory?

Rödluvan: Had you gotten a blue valkyrie that you didn't want to lose to the vile poisons of Coldworm?

Telash: Did you want to take advantage of the remaining daylight and clear the open grounds first?

Snövit: Of course not! But you all know about the smell down there and the filthy oozing slime that hangs and drops from the walls and roof. Ewww... It would have been practically impossible to get it out of my hair in time (one of the deficiencies of circlets is the lack of adequate protection from such damages) and no matter how long you bathe the smell never seems to disappear.

Rödluvan: But you'll have to go there eventually. Why postpone it?

Snövit: Because...I had urgent business elsewhere that late afternoon. Namely, early dinner at Atmas Tavern!

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Rödluvan: HOWDIDITGOHOWDIDITGOHOWDIDITGO?!

Snövit: First we talked more casually about the tavern and people in town. For a moment I almost thought Meshif would fancy Fara but if he did he wouldn't have gone out with me so I think he just thought Fara was nice. Which she actually is, especially considering her silly hair colour. A healing blacksmith - superb! Just a little churchly sometimes. Meshif was also worried about his home in Kurast and Jerhyns stupid secretiveness. I promised him I could hardly wait to set sail to Kurast and the subject of sailing seemed to cheer Meshif up. He recalled the stupid unsailyness of Geglash and all the travelling he uses to do when the season is better.

Waheed: Unsailyness?

Snövit: I'm sure it is a word. If not, I just invented it so I get to patent it. Ha!

Clearing through the Far Oasis I eventually saw the characteristic passage through the cactus cliffs to the Lost City. Maybe that was the Lut Gholein of old and the current small town is just the old docks? One could hope that me passing into the ruined city would for ONCE not mysteriously coincide with the claw vipers casting their hideous astronomical spell, but true enough, welcome to the dark side. Darkness leads to restricted vision, restricted vision leads to fear, fear leads to bad reflexes in case of ambushes, bad reflexes in case of ambushes...leads to deeds. But not today!

It took searching through the better part of the Lost City and it's ancient sewers (only one level, clearly ancient when compared to the sanitary three level tunnel system of Lut Gholein) to find the Valley of Snakes. I had to go back to town endless times to buy mana potions. The plague bearers are quite sensitive to cold but don't offer much in the way of mana stealing. I spoke to Meshif about the darkness on several occasions. He tried to keep everyones mood up by joking about navigating easier than before but clearly this lengthy eclipse caused by claw vipers (yes we KNOW, Drognan) that the local wise guy had researched was very discomforting.

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Then Waheed came up with a really splendid idea. He suggested that I should sing for Meshif to make him feel better!

Waheed: That was a joke! I joked that you could sing for Meshif and maybe he would fall asleep in your arms now that the night was so scary. It was even a very rude joke! Totally exaggerating Meshifs discomfort and blatantly ignoring the fact that we all felt pretty gloomy about having to face the horrifying Claw Viper Temple! While it's cool that you didn't get angry I can't believe how you could take the suggestion seriously.

Snövit: I gathered two cargo crates and put a large barrel on them to get a little stage and then had Waheed and my valkyrie stand behind it so that the aura and glow acted like improvised spotlights. I had composed the text myself and it was, if I may say so, very well suited for the occasion.

Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely when it's not you I'm around
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the voice of Drognan
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the game has gone by
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I sprint and cast my decoy
Turnaround blue eyes, my valk does even
sometimes fall apart
Turnaround blue eyes, my merc does even
sometimes fall apart

Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of Act V
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit helpless and I'm dreading going to Nihlatak
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit angry 'bout the cold immunes that will make me cry
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit terrified when valkyries ascend to the skies
Turnaround blue eyes, but even cold immunes
will fall apart
Turnaround blue eyes, and even viper scum
shall fall apart!

And I need some luck tonight
And I need it more than ever
And if we only win this fight
I can leave that hole forever!
And we'll soon say "let there be light"
Cause it's the Amazon line, together
We can make the sun come back here and shine
It's cloaked and in a shadow right now all of the time
Don't know what skill to use and I'm always in the dark
We're heading to a stinking viper giving off sparks
I'm facing Fangskin tonight
Forever lightning sparks and bite
Forever extra fast with claws

Back in nightmare times we were falling in love
And then the world was falling apart
There was nothing I could do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light during day
But this is not the slightest bit fun
I promise I shall fix this
Viper eclipse of the sun

Maltatai: "applauding"

Rödluvan: "whistling"

Telash: "applauding"

Snövit: Right after finishing the song I tried to bow gracefully to the audience, but the stupid barrel tripped and I fell to the ground just in front of Meshif. That dock is hard to land on. You would think there would be no shortage of sand in these neighbourhoods but I think that particular spot was seriously under-duned. On a happier note, I found myself looking up into concerned seafarer eyes when I opened mine, so it was quite worth the rough landing. I nevertheless think it would be better to skip the falling part and just have the looking into eyes part after future performances. Otherwise I shall need a dress socketed with Sol runes.

Maltatai: How was the temple then?

Snövit: Right from the start - a hopeless open room without flank protection - we were stairtrapped by almost a dozen claw vipers! It took three full rejuvenation potions for us to survive that. I used multishot which hit at least half the time. The only good things about being trapped in a corner was that we had at least half-decent flank protection and could not be knocked back any more.

Still shivering, I turned to the north eastern corridor and was greeted by a viper boss pack. We were almost pushed back to the stairs again. Damn, this welcome was hard. Guided arrow worked really well but it was slow progress. Multishot was my standard skill against groups because the poisoning helped a lot even if many hits missed.

Maltatai: Just like your precious idol back in the days.

Snövit: Yes, but I would have preferred facing bone warriors instead of serpents. In the whole damn first level of the temple it was nothing but claw vipers and salamanders. All cold immune. All charging. I had to run back many times and faced several bosses that I think even Rödluvan would agree were enormously disgusting.

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Rödluvan: Ewww, fire immunities!

Snövit: I had to clear practically the whole first level - maybe it was even literally the whole first level - before I found the stairs down. I could barely hold my bow steady. I cast a decoy. Nothing yet. I cast another a bit ahead. Some embaled and bone warriors attacked it but they were manageable. Then I saw a minion claw viper.

Telash: But isn't Fangskin a...

Snövit: Salamander. This was Fangskins little helper. A claw viper bosspack almost intermingled with Fangskins salamanders! For a little moment I thought we had them and that Waheed and the valkyrie could tank them in the small passage. Then they were both knocked back by charge after charge just like in the horror stories of Livexia. I led my team back up through the stairs a few times in the hopes of making the vipers spread out. It worked a bit but since they charge they were back around us in a blink. We were getting trapped by the stairs and grinded down. The rejuvenation potions had also been spent since long.

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In my frustration I ran. I ran through them as they crowded around Waheed and my valkyrie. Poor Waheed fell drawing the enemy upon himself. I stuck to the left wall and hoped to find a path to the middle hill where I could open a portal to bring in a resurrected Waheed and my valkyrie. But it was blocked! Claw vipers and undead were all around the hill! I sprinted on to the northwestern corner and hid behind a large cage while my valkyrie teleported close to me. There were two guardians nearby that I targeted with magic arrows. Slowly we whittled down the undead and spare vipers. Luckily, the bosses were not aware of our presence. After finally having secured some room we proceeded east and slew Fangskins little helper and finally Fangskin himself. I kicked his altar over with all spite I could muster and stored the stupid amulet in the cube.

All the time down there I felt like I was being watched. Like some otherwordly being cloaked in fear were staring at me with sinister flaming eyes. That temple really is the stuff of hellish nightmares. Just thinking of it gives me the shivers.

Telash: You seem notably calmer, Waheed, despite being the one that has actually died.

Waheed: Yeah, I'm cool. There is no chance I will not be revived as long as Snövit lives, and if she dies I will likely perish too in a second.

Telash: What if she decides to hire another mercenary instead?

Waheed: Even if she did, she would revive me to get the powerful Equipment...wait a second...my equipment is generally lousy! But I'm still the only town guard with a frost aura in this hell. She would never choose another mercenary. Right? You wouldn't, would you?

Snövit: Of course not. I would never want to hire another mercenary. Chill out.

Waheed: Hey, that's supposed to be my line!

Snövit: But I hope we find better stuff so I don't have to have you resurrected. Otherwise you may start turning undead soon.

Waheed: Ha. Ha. Not cool.

Rödluvan and Telash: "laughter"

Snövit: Now, I'm gonna go and ask Meshif if I can crash at his ship. I'll probably sleep for the next week.

Maltatai: I hope the landing is softer than when crashing outside his ship. Over and out.
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NorthDakota:
I am totally getting into this now. Your first few posts were good reads, but not amazing or anything. But as I've kept reading on, through all these posts, the character development has made it really great. You must have some sort of background in writing. And this love story with Meshif leaves me wanting more! What story could be great without love, anyways? Amazing that you've worked it into this story about diablo 2. Thanks for the good read, it's making my workday infinitely better.
mr teach:
Still haven't read normal and the beginning of nightmare - but i have to admit I do love this
not quite a Song of Ice and Fire
but the best thing i can read as i wat for book 6 - keep it going :p
Maltatai:
Thank you, thank you.
@North Dakota,
What excactly does "background in writing" mean? Is it whether I've written stories before or if I've taken some sort of writing course or something else?
@mr teach,
What is this that I'm reading!? Go back at once and do your homework about normal and early nightmare!:nono:
:)
mr teach:
Sir yes sir !
djmbbandie:
Another good episode! Hope these two make Guardians!
mr teach:
ok cought up on all previous episodes :p
Maltatai:
@mr teach
:funnyabove:
@djmbbandie
I'm actually getting more and more terrified about losing one of them now. Don't know what I'll do if that happens.

Now a little help request:
Both protagonists still rely on just one hardpoint in valkyrie and summon their helpers by changing armour and sniping fallen ones. Snövit gambled a gymnastic circlet tonight, and therefore I wonder; does the valkyrie cast by the peace armour receive the synergy bonuses from the other passive and magic skills like a "normal" valkyrie?
If so, will the peaceful valkyrie receive synergy bonuses that are boosted by equipment or just from hardpoints? In other words: will it make a difference to load up with +passive and magic skills items before triggering the peace valkyrie?
 
Episode 22. Sands, Potions and Reds that Roll
Maltatai: Welcome back. While trying to ignore the loud snoring and zZzzz:s coming from the local harbour, the red flames have made progress trying to catch up with the capitalists questing.

Rödluvan: Red Flames if I may ask. Otherwise correct.

Maltatai: Caring so much about capital letters, isn’t that a bit capital-istic of you?

Rödluvan: No, 100% oversensitivity about my trademark and cheesy attention seeking.

Maltatai: …

Rödluvan: Eh…what did I just say? Let’s move on quickly to the report about Radament and the flashing flaming success of the Red Flames!

In the sewers we faced stunningly handsome skeletons, but sadly their personalities were terrible so we ditched them all. Snövit’s team probably ran into more bosspacks than we did but we met many champions. Theeey’ll keep ooon fiiighting till the end…Against melee burning dead I used strafe and something we did seemed to have great effect. I had expected to spend ages grinding them down sluggishly but either the lightning damage or the physical part worked great. Telash was really great down there and really impressed me. That sword certainly seems to do its part. The sewers are generally very good for Amazons with some space but not wide enough to be flanked. Burning dead archers could not even handle burning arrows. Obviously not any undead Amazons at least.

Between the rounds of burning up the burning, I took a drink or three with Geglash, the local Drink Demagogue. His habits regarding liquid may not be the healthiest but none can fault his care for the environment! No living, and few undead, citizens of Lut Gholein are so good at saving water as Geglash. Granted, he may take his toll on the liquor supplies, but that drunkard is a true role model when it comes to saving water. A born leader of environmental parties if ever there was one.

Having a literally empty skull, it is perhaps no wonder that the skeletons fell so easily for the decoy ruse. But the things they apparently believe about my decoy, and therefore me, is completely out of proportion! Undead (most certainly not!), extra strong (no titan, but I can give most a match in arm wrestling), spectral hit (three quarters of it anyway) and cursed (at the moment, I admit)!

Maltatai: That’s very weird. I’ve never heard of a decoy with such enhancements.

Rödluvan: I lured out most of the army of the (according to Ancient Kaa the Soulless) Horadric Hunk, then ran through the gaps in his lines and duelled Radament himself while my valkyrie held the remaining minions off and Telash bolted his bony back. Exploding arrows were reasonably good considering he was magically resistant. I guess being a mummy for centuries is bound to leave a dryness that not even the oozing moist of the sewers can banish entirely. Atma was relieved to be rid of Radament but still felt like his lesser cousins, the Hollow Ones. I gained a level when searching the sewers and came back up with a slightly better decoy and somewhat more penetrating gaze.

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I wonder just exactly how penetrating eyesight you can get? Piercing darkness? Piercing…solid materials? Maybe even skin. That would be very useful for a healer I think, but I would like to be able to turn it off. It would be sort of terrible to see people’s blood vessels and bare muscles when looking at their faces. I hope you need something like skill level 21 to see in the darkness and maybe 22 to pierce cloth…objects. Two more skill levels will be rather easy to come by once I am fully trained. Medical stuff could require something like 25 so you don’t risk seeing those things accidently but don’t have too much difficulty getting it from just an amulet and a circlet. Would be bad to have to wear a Peace armour when doing surgery, for example. Wow, I totally need to write that last thing down for my future public health care propositions. But no using public equipment off duty. One has to protect the privacy and integrity of people. Only private equipment should be allowed for private use.

Maltatai: What an interesting last comment, coming from you.

Rödluvan: Don’t tell Snövit I said that. I don’t want to her to get any strange ideas. At least not too strange.

Maltatai: Just out of curiosity; what ideas would be not too strange but still strange?

Rödluvan: The golden middle ground is “funny”. Funny ideas are unusual but not so strange that they become weird. Now, Telash, could you go and fetch Snövit? I have a funny present for her. I’ll fetch it in the meantime.

Telash: Ok…but if this is some sort of ambush project I would like to be out of the crossfire before it begins. Snövit will be a living snowstorm if she’s awakened in that manner now.

Rödluvan: No, nothing like that! We’re friends now, remember?

Telash: Okay. I’ll go and ask Meshif to wake his sleeping beauty. The waking up thing may take some time. All morning I think. So why don’t we meet up at lunchtime again? I can get some take-away leaper sandwiches from Atma’s.

Rödluvan: Excellent! Just make sure you don’t order sand-witches again.

Telash: Of course not!

Maltatai: Sand-witches?

Rödluvan: Just an old misadventure from a campaign with the Iron Wolves. Part of the reason why Asheara was so keen to transfer Telash’s contract if I understood it correctly.

Telash: That’s a long and irrelevant tale. The incident has been exaggerated beyond all sense and reason. Now let’s get going.

Maltatai: What!? Hey!? What about the storytelling!?

Rödluvan: Ah, why don’t you deal with that in the meantime? You’re an expert storyteller. You can cover my rampage through the Dry Hills and Far Oasis and the finding of the Staff of Kings. Now you’ll have a golden opportunity to give a refined and uninterrupted account. See you at lunchtime!

Maltatai: But…but I don’t want to give a completely uninterrupted account of everything…

Not even your protagonists do what you tell them these days. For all who somehow managed to ignore the massive spoiler by Rödluvan; here is a summary of the dangers Rödluvan, Telash and their valkyrie faced in the desert:

While the Rocky Wastes did not hold as large a population of boss packs as when Snövit stepped out, the Stony Tomb was all the more dangerous. Telash got caught by a malicious beetle gang leader and fell heroically shooting impressive lightning bolts at the lightning immune insects. After resurrecting him Rödluvan pulled herself together and did not lose him any more time for now. Almost as malicious as the beetle was the rune the unbearably lucky team found. Now they just lack a Ta and Tai rune to make the most devastating runeword that could possibly exist. The Dry Hills held a large and enthusiastic catwoman population who eventually got overheated when fired upon. Clearly they are more hot-blooded than what’s good for you.

To the astonishment of the non-existant spectators, Rödluvan recovered the strange boots of waterwalking. Ultimately deciding that their potential as life-saving equipment onboard Meshif’s ship was less than expected (when falling in one usually benefits from keeping ones head up and feet down and not the other way around) she sold them to Fara who stowed them away for future use as mobile irrigation equipment. Entering the slimy Maggot Lair provided a long and tedious but hardly very dangerous trip through the overgrown subterranean sand castle. The Red Flames had to explore every single millimetre of the first level before tripping over the hole down. Unless you are about to have lunch now, feel free to take a break until that appropriate juncture and fullness of time, to follow the events properly.

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__________________________________________________________________

The sun happily scorches the dried mud bricks of the rickety shelters where the main characters have now decided to camp for lunch. Foolishly crawling out from the more bearable hideouts at the tavern and inn the Red Flames have assembled with standard picnic gear and a large box carried by Rödluvan.

Telash: Mission accomplished. Bow down to the mighty Telash and bask in His glory and sandwiches!

Rödluvan: Hallowed be thy groceries. Where are the Blue Snow? We need Waheed here quickly before the drinks fall from cool through tepid down to undrinkable!

Telash: Look, I told them. They will be here soon. And there is Waheed at least! With a blue sack over his shoulder?

Rödluvan: A mysteriously plated blue sack, I say, looking strangely like a pair of blue legs with attacked blue hips.

Telash: Hmm, that penetrate skill does have its advantages…

Waheed: Cool party. “Heaves Snövit down on a sack”

Snövit: Ow! You moron…”snort”…zzz…

Waheed: Our ever vigilant captain and role model.

Telash: You wanted to bring her here so you get to wake her up. We’ll give you a heroes funeral.

Rödluvan: Bah, I know the perfect way to deal with this. HEY SNÖVIT, THE COLLECTIVE IS CONFISCATING ALL PRIVATE PROPERTY OF EVERY AMAZON IN ARANOCH! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!

Snövit: “Snort”…zz-what?...HUH!? What…

Rödluvan: Good morning and midday, snoring sweetheart! You look stunning and stunned.
Here’s a sandwich! And a glass of Lysanders lemonade.

Snövit: Is it, like…safe?

Rödluvan: Oh, yes. He’s tested it himself.

Snövit: That’s just the kind of thing that would get me worried.

Rödluvan: Relax, he’s not as crazy as he may seem. I spent a lot of time with him lately.

Snövit: Ok, now I’m seriously paranoid. You drink first.

Rödluvan: Cheers! Don’t wait too long with yours, even Waheed can’t keep the heat away forever.

Snövit: “Gulp” Why are you meeting Lysander all of a sudden? Are you trying to devise some kind of alchemical improvement to your arrows?

Rödluvan: Smart guess, but it was actually a totally civilian errand. After I beat Rad…

Waheed: Wait! Take it from the start, for those of us too bored (me) and busy (Snövit) to listen to Maltatais recapitulation earlier.

Maltatais: Your appreciation of me is touching! It was actually Rödluvan that told most of the story.

Rödluvan: We went down and whacked Radament, or shot him more of it. It was a bit troublesome without your fancy freezers but his army was stupid and strayed too far. My decoy was promoted to unique undead boss and Geglash generously donated supplies to our endeavours. When the town had settled down after having their sewer back in old slimy shape I went on with the most glorious quest of every friend to a hitching up friend:

Snövit: Being?

Rödluvan: Scouting and reconnaissance! I went around town collecting rumours and gathering information and gossip about Meshif!

Snövit: I was thinking we were actually getting along well when it comes to getting to know each other…

Rödluvan: Yes of course, but everyone needs an attentive pal to keep her from doing anything foolish! Besides, Lysander had some very funny things to say about Meshifs vessel and its effects, hahahaha!

Telash: Tehehehehe…

Snövit: I am sure he came up with those all by himself. You had of course nothing to do with steering the conversation on towards those things?

Rödluvan: Hey, Lysander actually makes potions to counter those effects. I think one or two may be worth trying out if you feel dizzy again. I mean, dizzy from the ships rocking, not the sailor company, whose produced dizziness seems virtually uncurable. Lysander is really nice actually. He fancies Atma, but keeps his distance out of respect since she is a mourning widow. I suggested that he should at least visit her tavern and maybe talk to her. If nothing else, he might make her laugh with and untimely exploding potion…although he would perhaps not be able to hear it, poor man.

Lysander told me about how popular some brews are in the west, and that Warriv usually sells them with ease. This fascinating subject led us to the area of other clients and their preferences, such as Jerhyns previous purchases and more generally, the production and distribution of love potions.

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Snövit: Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Waheed: And you have taken an…active role in that business?

Rödluvan: Selling those things to Jerhyn? Perish the thought! That creep!

Snövit: That’s a relief. I mean, we have to consider the feelings of the poor potion too. Jerhyn…ewwww!

Rödluvan: From one thing to the other; Snövit, I know how to get the maggot goo off! Foolproof way!

Snövit: Really? How could you discover it if it’s foolproof?

Rödluvan: Moron. It’s actually two ways. Telash managed to clean his robes by using static electricity to make all the goo spots sort of jump and twitch off. It was kinda creepy. Like a mad necromancer trying to revive dead bodies by lightning and preparing to shout “it’s aliiiive!” after succeeding.

Telash: Full body coverage has its uses sometimes. If you tried robes someday you could probably still have room for those smoky shoulder pads.

Rödluvan: Anyway, I doubt it will go well with slimed hair. It would be impossible to form even a half-descent braid or ponytail with such sparked hair. Only viable style would be Haystack #4. My way is much better. You know about this way of bathing in steam rather than water they have in the western kingdoms?

Snövit: That sauna thing or whatever it was?

Rödluvan: Turns out it works just as well with a just a tent. And conjuring heat is no problem with my specialties, while rain water is ridiculously abundant in those neighbourhoods.

Snövit: Now, what exactly have you been up to???

Rödluvan: While you were sleeping I took the opportunity to help out the local market a little. The state sometimes needs to support especially valuable industries in hard times after all.

Telash: “Valuable industries” indeed…

Rödluvan: Lysander was happy to sell, after a little haggling and persuasion. With the siege and marauding monsters he hasn’t been able to sell much lately. I took it back west by waypoint as a little treat to our former minions. They’ve had an awfully hard time with the fall of the monastery anyway, so they could surely use some cheering up anyway. Free of charge, of course. Public health and humour care from our compassionate collective. Lysander had really outdone himself! He had come up with a few new, a little experimental, recipes which he was eager to know the effects of. I invited the rogues I knew best and their friends to one of their tents that they graciously let me use to steam off the green thing. It even had a miniature bath tub with water outside to cool oneself - most convenient. I did not invite Kashya. She would probably be the queen of party-banning hair-knitters worldwide with her strict rules about appropriate rogue behaviour. My guests agreed and took it in turns to stand guard outside to keep us safe from any nosy nuisances.

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Waheed: Hair-knitters?

Snövit: It’s an Amazon term for people who ruin parties and fun. Letting down your hair is equal to thawing up and starting to have fun; thus, attempting the opposite does of course mean that you ruin the fun. It isn’t directly connected to ones actual hairstyle in any direct way.

Waheed: I see. Cool.

Rödluvan: The rogues also took the opportunity to bathe in the steam – quite understandable, that constant raining must be hell on your joints - and were eager to give their assessments of Lysander newest recipes then and there!

Telash, Waheed and Snövit::confused:

Maltatai: Wasn’t that a little unethical? You more or less tried hitherto untried potions, be they from a trusted producer or not, on them and did not even bother to do guard duty yourself?

Rödluvan: Certainly not! Honestly, what kind of irresponsible hostess do you take me for? I would never want to put them in any unnecessary danger. I had of course tried ALL of the new potions myself before I shared them. I even took an extra mouthful of each potion type to be sure to compensate for my…somewhat sturdier constitution. For that very same reason, my guests talked me out of doing any guard duty. They most fervently claimed I was much too, how do you say it…indisposed, and much more needed for keeping the steam up. They were probably right, now that I think of it…although my memories are a bit unclear as you may understand. Clouded in mist, quite literally.

So, all in all a grand evening! The next morning I wrote down the rogues thoughts and suggestions of the various recipes. They had many ideas about potential improvements but were otherwise most satisfied. I wrote down one collection of opinions for myself and one shorter, more professional report with the more swooning ways of expression and highlights of memorable moments removed. Though if Lysander behaves really well I might let him read a bit of the former one too.

And here you are, sweetheart - one crate of Lysanders finest and exhaustingly thoroughly field/tent-tested, totally safe, and evidently effective potions!

Snövit: Awwwww, how sweet of you! Thanks! It’s so touching how you…mmmhihihi…will valiantly go through such trouble to give me a present like this.

Rödluvan: Trouble? Ah, yes of course, “service is its own reward” as we chivalrous champions in shining armour, well, shoulder pads, say.

Telash: Oh, really? That is a line I will remember the next time you complain about the cost of having to resurrect me!

Waheed: Good point, man. I’ll make a note of that myself. A cool note.

Snövit: Ok, so what is in these things anyway? Or is that a corporate secret?

Rödluvan: Not at all! The only secret is how they are blended and cooked. The ingredients themselves are really common potions. Love potions are made up of Health, Mana, Stamina, Rejuvenation and Thawing potions. Thawing potions make you thaw and be warm. Rejuvenation potions make you feel younger, Mana potions give energy and Stamina potions give increased stamina. Healing potions helps the body recover more quickly from draining exertions. The same can not be said about your mind, though. Intoxicating effects tend to last a looong time, but they don’t leave any hangovers. On the other hand, it is possible that embarrassing memories and still sleeping company will hang over you the next morning but that is the only hangover that may occur.

If you invite someone less known to drink with you, it can be advisable to add a bit of Antidote potion too. I didn’t do that for any of your potions, though. I guessed you would not find it necessary?

Snövit: I’ll have no worries drinking that, thank you. At least none relating to the need of that ingredient.

Rödluvan: Good, cause Antidote potion gave it a bit of a prudish, paladinly taste…perhaps a bit like a liquid cleansing aura. That is sort of a turn-off. I wonder if flavouring with some fruits or berries could counteract it. I’ll buy some in Kurast and let Lysander try that.

Snövit: There is a warning sign here on the crate…”volatile”?

Rödluvan: Oh, that! That’s Lysanders standard warning sign. He uses it on practically every crate. In the case of standard potions of various kinds, they are just as liable to go off in your face as anything as he put it.

Snövit: But not these, I hope?

Rödluvan: Absolutely not! Lysander is just too lazy to make a new warning sign. He really is especially lazy in this particular case because you only need to change a few words.

Snövit: And why is that?

Rödluvan: Ehm, well, how shall I put it? If your partner drinks a potion containing a bit too much Mana potion and a bit too little Stamina potion…

Snövit: Oh! I see!

Telash: "Facepalm"

Waheed: This is getting beyond embarrassing.

Rödluvan: So in the case of love potions it is not, hrrm, the potion as such that is liable to do that, but rather the person drinking it. Not that it’s a big deal – and nothing that a second drink won’t help with – but I feel there should be some kind of warning sign. I have yet to find the right wording. Maybe the rogues can help with that? There could be a contest about coming up with the catchiest and at the same time most informative warning text. The winner gets a personalised potion recipe. Lysander has a bit reluctantly agreed to give this area of expertise greater priority in the future.

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Rödluvan: Meshif seems to be well liked all through the town, but people are somewhat more suspicious towards seafaring in general and his ship in particular. You’ll be able to rally some supporters for a non-leaking ship committee.

Maltatai: I would like to rally you for the Get on with the battle report soon committee. I actually insist. Did your adventures end with the spa weekend at the Rogue Camp or do you perhaps have something more to tell?

Rödluvan: Yes and yes.

Maltatai: “Raises eyebrow”

Rödluvan: They did end with that but I also visited the Lost City and Claw Viper Temple before that.

Snövit: You…you stayed safe in there I hope?

Rödluvan: Do I look so terribly ghostly to you?

Snövit: No. That place is just so horrible. But since you are here and the sun shines you obviously made it. But hey! I was asleep all the time. Well, not all the time but asleep or otherwise indisposed. I have days of worrying about you to catch up with!

Rödluvan: That was sort of the point of setting out while you were still snoring. And that it will take ages before my head has cleared enough to hunt monsters again. Having the temple quest hanging over me would really be one nasty hangover polluting my relaxed recovery.

So, the desert greeted me with rather easy zombies and marauders in the Lost City, along with the Gloom’s Trap mesh belt. The name suited the situation impeccably but it was otherwise not so useful to me. I also had the displeasure of facing vipers exclusively in the temples first level. They were fierce and aggressive and mauled my valkyrie at one time. I did at least not get stairtrapped. Fire and venom was decent against them and open wounds ruled as usual.

Further into the corridors I made a most AMAZING discovery. The Demon Limb! Now I am enchanted too! Aaaand…the damage carries over to my exploding arrows! Finally a little boost to my main attack skill! Strafe also really improved through this. It’s a shame you haven’t found one too, it would probably be heavenly for you and Waheed. I also found a nice shield for Telash. I put a diamond in it and a Sol rune. Diamonds are a mage’s best friend or whatever it was.

Snövit: I’m happy someone got something good out of that dark hole. Congratulations indeed. But how on earth did you beat Fangskin?

Rödluvan: On earth, just like you said.

Maltatai: Could you clarify?

Rödluvan: Tense as my bowstring, I stepped down the stairs with shield and axe to block surprise attacks. Wow, that almost rhymed. I saw nothing close by. I then went up and town portaled to town to get the Spellsteel axe which I have stored, if you remember.

Snövit: Aha! Now I understand.

Rödluvan: It would certainly have been embarrassing, for the remaining millisecond of my existence, to teleport into a waiting Fangskins crowd on the central hill, so I had to advance to scout a bit. I tried casting slow missiles to light up the place. To my frustration we were beset by a couple of undead from the right so I had to go up, portal back, get my crossbow and smash them, and then get the axe again. There were two claw vipers on the hill I think, but I got them with strafe from afar. Hahaaa! Then I teleported to the hill, opened a portal, and returned with crossbow in hand and a fort to hold! Bone warriors swarmed the stairs and the whole chamber around us was slithering! It was a horrifying place!

Fangskin was north of us and just stood there cursing for the long battle. My minions had great trouble with the bone warriors and it took me ages to get the vipers south of us and be able to target the guardians (fire immune).

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Maltatai: Splendid! A textbook example of careful teleporting and seizing the viper hill! But what has this got to do with “on earth”?

Rödluvan: The hill is sand and earth. The floor is brick tiles. Simple.

Maltatai: "Facepalm"

Snövit: That’s great! Now none of us need ever go back there!

Rödluvan: I was lucky not to run into any little helper of Fangskin. He did however have a bony consultant instead. Suitably lightning enchanted of course to blend in. I guess his fees were quite outrageous too since he was mana burning too.

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Maltatai: Nice valkyrie.

Rödluvan: Indeed, the orange of petty vengefulness.

Snövit: When did you finish all this and your vacation trip west?

Rödluvan: Came back this morning. Why?

Snövit: I was wondering if I would have time to get the staff and then borrow that steam tent before you decide to export another load of liquid westwards. I think I would prefer a quieter atmosphere when scrubbing slime off my head. Do you think your party guests are still sleepy?

Rödluvan: Maybe not asleep but pretty docile I guess. But there are of course the ones I did not invite who got their presents from my guests, by mail order so to say. Except the order.

Snövit: Yikes! I’ll try to stay discreet then.

Rödluvan: I wouldn’t count on it, but if you have to get maggot slime off you have to get maggot slime off. You just don’t have the physique to stay discreet, friend.

Snövit: Thanks, I suppose, but that was an ominous compliment if ever there was one. Maybe I can buy a tent of my own here in the town? Or perhaps with comfortable spacing for two persons…for all eventualities…

Rödluvan: Now I’ve got to tell what that RASCAL and RAPSCALLION of a SCOUNDREL that I have hired did last morning!

Telash: Heee hee hee…

Rödluvan: I rose and went out of my room to go to the tavern and have breakfast. I knocked on Telash’s door to ask him if he wanted to come too. He mumbled something and then asked me to come in. When I stepped in I saw him still lying in bed with his blankets over the face and murmuring something animalistic. I asked if everything was all right and Telash asked me to come closer and if I could pull down the blanket a bit. I was beginning to get really concerned now – either he was ill or something or he was attempting some sort of shameless and tasteless prank. So I carefully pulled down the blanket from his head…and that sight!

Telash: It was absolutely nothing compared to the sight of your face, I promise you that. That look was priceless!

Rödluvan: Furry and hairy and with huge teeth and gleaming yellow eyes! I was so taken aback that I could just stutter something like:

“W-why do you have such large eyes, Telash?
“That’s so I’ll be able to see you better.”
“But what about that large nose?”
“That’s so I’ll be able to smell you better.”
“And the ears?”
“That’s so I’ll be able to hear you better.”
“And what about those huge teeth?”
“THAT’S SO I’LL BE ABLE TO EAT YOU!”
“Aaaaah!”
“Hahahahahihihihihi!”
“TELASH!”

That moron had crawled in under his bed and hidden himself, and used the Crescent Moon sword to summon a spirit wolf which he hid in his bed under the blankets (actually the wolf seemed to enjoy the bed very much and looked content with remaining there for a long time, summoned or not)! I even think the wolf shared his sense of humour and laughed at me (spiritually connected spirit wolves, after all)!

Telash: Hahahaha! Raaagh! I’m the big bad wolf!

Rödluvan: Pfeh! Yeah, yeah, oh mighty Iron Wolf. And what does that make me, I wonder?

Telash: You…are a little PIG!

Waheed: :confused:

Maltatai: A pig?

Snövit: “Giggle”

Rödluvan: What!? How dare…

Telash: As in the three little pigs and the big bad wolf destroying the houses of the slacker pigs. Come on, you MUST have heard of that fairy tale.

Rödluvan: I was sort of hoping to be compared to a fairytale cute little blonde with a red hood. But oh, no, that was evidently far too much to hope for. Grumble…

Telash: Ok, ok, Red, you can be anyone you like! I promise. Although with all the whitish magic arrows you’ve recently been using to conserve bolts and mana, your red may run the risk of lightening into a more…pinkish piglet tone…

Waheed: Hehehehehe…

Rödluvan: Now, I SAY! Where have you gotten all those stupid ideas!?

Snövit: Tihihihihihihihi!

Telash: I’ve been a little inspired by a comic about an assassin named Nemi. She must be an assassin I think, being all pale and gothic and dark-haired and so. Funnily enough, you never see her in gothic plate, though.

Rödluvan: Hmpf! Perhaps there is something about censorship in my future social republic after all…I think this pig business is behaviour worthy of a thoroughly uncivilized SWINE.

Telash: Take it easy, Red. You may turn into some more princessly pink or a discreet detective panther pink…although I am unsure how discreet that could really get.

Maltatai: This joke is stretching thin. I promise you are as red as ever, Rödluvan. Except possibly when compared to when you’re wearing the red gothic plate for magic finding. Which you hardly seem to need anymore with your obscene item luck! Almost as obscene as your lately acquired drinking habits. Over and out.
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Last edited:
mr teach:
wow a long one
with little game story
but load of other funny stuff - i really enjoyed it
reminds me to work a little more on the pally story of mine
Maltatai:
Please do, I'm running out of things to read 👍
Still that silly thing with post titles...
 
Episode 23. Time for End of Sands
Maltatai: This is the Whatever-the-clock News. The ruler of Lut Gholein has yesterday been overthrown following the shocking revelations about his negligence regarding the defence of the city and failure to inform the public about the imminent danger coming from his own palace. Adding to the severity of his dereliction is of course the inattention to awesomeness of the two adventuring parties residing in the town which evidently would have been able to handle the cellar intruders with little difficulty before every local town guard perished. Jerhyn the Jelly-Brain has refused to comment the allegations and is awaiting trial in Greiz's office along with his legal councillor Drognan who incidentally in is arrested as well, accused of aiding the fraud and embezzlement of public wands.

Following the tardy admittance to the palace, the invaded cellars were retaken by the named adventurers without much difficulty. Snövit demonstrated commendable tactical insight by using the barred passages to shoot through. The arcane sanctuary was a laughable piece of Atmas latest dessert recipe for Rödluvan while the ghosts and ghoul lords proved extremely irritating for Snövit. Cursing the inefficiency of her bow Snövit left and turned to clear out the maggot lair which she managed to do expeditiously thanks to a convenient map. Pleasantly surprisingly enough, Coldworm had collected a three-socket gorgon crossbow for unknown reasons. Snövit, who happened to possess three Lum runes and a Shael, went back to normal to assemble a flawed amethyst and a Nef rune.

Following the nightmarish discovery that dropping the Horadric staff on the ground rendered her unable to pick it up again Snövit faced the prospect of facing Fangskin a second time to retrieve the amulet once again. Unwilling to accept the stupidity of the game refusing to recognize a staff as the hell version of itself and nothing else she appealed to higher powers which terminated the questing session without saving, which saved her. The higher powers have not yet been reached for a commentary.

Going back another time proved much more fruitful and the Melody of the gorgons was heard merrily hitting the ghoul lords with decent effect. Snövit also managed to discover the Skin of the Vipermagi which one of Bishibosh's underlings carried for unknown reasons. While Waheed is now more stylishly equipped beneath his customary robes he remains inefficient and more liability than asset in many situations. The summoner proved totally helpless and pathetic when confronted with either adventuring party.

The situation was initially reversed when Snövit and Rödluvan stepped into the canyon of magi as beetles and cats gave Rödluvan a tedious if not very hard time but melted before Snövit. In the tombs however Snövit had stupefying troubles with the greater mummies and gorebellies, both cold immune. One gorebelly boss even made her pick up the lightning fury path with a matriarchal javeling she conveniently found. The burning dead were melted with savage glee but their commanders took many arrows during which the idiot minions managed to get themselves severely poisoned and injured. While Telash did not do enormous damage he at least stayed out of harms way for most of the time. Rödluvan had some trouble with skeletal packs but managed to run around most and nail their bosses to the walls.

Now news from abroad: The creatures of some unknown layer of hell are celebrating the return of none other than Duriel the Disgusting. The maggot mongrel was last assigned to guard an empty tomb with a boring archangel inside which must have been hellish indeed due to the company. Thanks to the valiant efforts of Rödluvan and Snövit he is now liberated and can spread his cold slime and goo someplace else. We have the two archers with us in the studio; welcome!

Rödluvan: This is no studio, this is just you ranting aimlessly in a far-fetched attempt to mimic a TV-programme.

Maltatai: For crying out loud, don't cry that out loud!

Snövit: I must say the welcoming here is overwhelming in its hospitality and generosity.

Maltatai: Yes, isn't it... How was Duriel, apart from overgrown, flabby and stinking?

Rödluvan: Utterly pathetic. My valkyrie could tank him with little problem aided by my decoy. I could even fire magic arrows at him and sustain my mana that way! What a loser. Haaahahaha!

Snövit: Aaaargh! He was unbearable! 95% cold resistance and the stupid Waheed who could never grasp even the simplest basics of hit and run tactics or the benefits of standing behind a decoy to jab at the enemy! Not only that, but my valkyrie mutinied and would not engage! The traitor! Waheed died the first time after costing me a fortune in potions and scrolls of town portal.

Maltatai: First time?

Snövit: Yes, I was so mad with the maggot that I went back one more time just to show him! That time Waheed got the Woestave and it went a little bit better with no deaths, but still an utter fail when it comes to tactics and minion reliability. That I, a bowazon, should have to tank for an Act II town guard! Will I have to do EVERYTHING in this company?!

Maltatai: Any of the famous five scrolls of town portal drops?

Snövit: Actually not, but hardly anything useful. I got the Viscerataunt unique defender. I feel taunted indeed. A sorceress shield…worthless.

Rödluvan: I had better luck, I got an ethereal Demon Limd (typical cruel humor of Duriel) but also Raven Frost! That will come in handy against Baals hoarfrost and other monstrous cold attacks. I thought Duriel was so pathetic that I dressed up in my best treasure hunting gear before he fell. Evidently worth it.

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Maltatai: Aaaaand what about the greatest of all evils, the clotted git of whitish squidiness?

Snövit: Damn him! I had just got around the corner when I saw him floating upwards! I hope his celestial head really crashed into the roof.

Rödluvan: I had just raised my crossbow to aim when he hovered out of sight! The insufferable, infernal, indisputably inconceivably inbearable…unbearable…

Maltatai: Thank you, thank you. Now the weather forecast: Warm and cold air is congregating in the Eastern Sea leading to unstable weather and likely rain, possibly of arrows. There is some possibility of thunder and ground level frost as well. Winds from west and northwest; 5 to 15 metres per second. Between 18 and 22 degrees. Aranoch: dry and sunny and uncomfortably hot as the last millennium except for blizzards cast by visiting mages.

Now the Economy of the Week, or maybe it was the Economy of the Weak? The Blue Corporation has recently stunned the financial world not too busy with running for their lives from demonic monsters, by selling all the shares except for a symbolic 20:th in Magic Arrow and instead investing in Inner Sight! I (again) greet Snövit, now in the capacity of capitalist, executive board, owner, representative and generally boss of the corporation. What prompted this decision?

Snövit: The original investment in Magic Arrow rested partially on the perceived benefits of accuracy from the skill, which would compensate for lack of penetrate on my part. It later turned out that the whole Magic Arrow business is bugged or something and the increased accuracy is as non-existent as a trustworthy European financial policy. Furthermore, it is bugging me that Rödluvan has the benefit of casting a red spell while I do not cast a blue or white one. Inner sight fills this gap. It looks white and a little bluish and really makes a difference for hitting, aiding both me and my minions...hrm, trusted employees.

Maltatai: That will be all from the Whatever-the-clock News. Thank you and good night.

Rödluvan: That is not exactly what I imagined television fame would be like.

Snövit: There could certainly be more profit involved.

Rödluvan: And more political influence.

Maltatai: Such a shame...news services that attempt to achieve some sort of independence. How disgusting. Perhaps you could persuade Drognan or some other weak-willed and feeble mind to broadcast for you in the future. I also wonder what will be found among Drognans personal stuff, if he has a secret study or laboratory or something. Perhaps a hidden observatory? He did after all claim to have "researched" the lengthy viper eclipse. I wonder how. Did he stare aimlessly out in the darkness or what? How can you research utter darkness?

Snövit: What can you expect after his advice to Jerhyn regarding the Arcane Sanctuary?

Rödluvan: Drognans answer to a blockaded pass west - hire that red little travel agent with pointy ears and teeth that says "Rakanishu" every now and then and has promised to take us on an "alternative route" west. Drognans answer to shortage of guards - how about summoning some of these nice horned fellows that has such tremendous references? Drognans answer for travelling east - let's dispense with all the lifeboats and lanterns so we can all fit in on just one ship more easily. Drognans...

Maltatai: ...answer to how to wreak vengeance on those who contributed to his downfall - compel them to spend eternities speculating about his potential shortcomings until they drop down dead from fatigue and dehydration. Moving on...wait, what's that music in the distance?

Snövit: That is the grand festival of Lut Gholein, a new tradition starting...now, to celebrate the end of being sieged by monsters.

Rödluvan: After plundering Jerhyns storerooms, there are actually quite a lot of delicious dishes for everyone. AND we also have musical performance. Cain himself has promised to honour the town with a bit of his famous rap!

Snövit: I never knew he could do that.

Maltatai: He's performed it on the stage of hellish harassment and infernal despair and bickering. Also known as the pit of impoliteness, hole of anguish, bully's sanctuary and idiots retreat. The place where every comment, no matter how sensible, ultimately is met by trolling idiocy and rudeness, insults and humiliation.

Snövit: Ah, you mean YouTube.

Maltatai: That's what I said. You have to pay attention, as you like to point out to me.

Rödluvan: Do you know how to rap, Maltatai?

Maltatai: I could perform a very short piece of rap that is not actually a song, and probably come up with a satirical text for another, but otherwise no.

Snövit: Short piece that is not a song?

Maltatai: "Knocks at his desk with his knuckles"

Rödluvan: What is that supposed to mean?

Maltatai: The knuckle rap! The shortest rap possible! It can also be a sign of approval or respect, a more discreet version of applauses. Brilliant, isn't it?

Rödluvan: "Siiiigh"

Snövit: "Facepalm"

Maltatai: Am I not a genius beyond imagination? From one thing to the other, any celebrities I know coming tonight?

Snövit: We have invited the Act I NPC:s but most were too busy with clearing the monastery. Except for Akara, who seemed to be very interested in rap as soon as I mentioned who the singer would be. It's strange, when I told them we had found the best of Jerhyns royal drinks some rogues seemed somehowhat...disappointed. Maybe they don't like royal stuff. It wouldn't be too surprising for people known as "rogues" but I wonder what they had hoped to be served instead?

Rödluvan: Alas, we can only speculate...

Snövit: Yes...hey! Suddenly I am struck by the possibility that some potential guests may have wanted certain red brews! Is THAT why they were disappointed, perhaps...

Rödluvan: Hrrm...speaking of the rogues, I see your hair is notably un-slimy.

Snövit: Yes, and combed, no thanks to you!

Rödluvan: Since when am I responsible for your hairstyle and combing ineptitude?

Snövit: Since you started the slightly inconvenient tradition of getting rogues drunk on Floria's Flowery Flame and Blaise's Burning Beauty? It was almost impossible to get out of that tent after I had unslimed myself.

Maltatai: Florias...the first of the new, fashionable names for Lysanders customised recipes?

Rödluvan: Exactly. Aren't they just awesome?

Snövit: Indeed. They seem to get to your head quickly...causing actually quite inappropriate behaviour. People are supposed to be able to bathe undisturbed and peacefully in a sauna.

Rödluvan: I beg to differ as to the applicability of such etiquette rules. While I do not dispute the interpretation of them, I would say that the rogues tents, while they do try to mimic the environment of a sauna, are to be regarded as rogue steam tents and that's that. Sauna rules would not apply even if they by all means may be examined for inspiration.

Snövit: Bah! Ha! A laughable excuse for the inappropriate behaviour of the Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye, for which I am holding you personally responsible by the way. Nevertheless, I got the slime off and that's what counts. One of the named traditions I am particularly fond of is having that vihta/vasta bough of birch, which both comes in handy for the scent and for fencing away somewhat overly friendly company at times.

Maltatai: How on earth did you find birch leaves in Act I? I've never seen any birches there.

Snövit: Ah, a petty technicality. So, the basic fencing moves that Meshif has taught me proved highly useful. I heroically fought my way out to the exit like a slashing swashbuckler. Particularly the right-handed manoeuvre in a critical moment was critical to my success. I finnished with a dashing exit and story villain laugh and promise to return which earned me laughs and almost a golden statuette.

Rödluvan: It's left-handed! And also "finished", not "finnished".

Maltatai: Can we have some explanation, please?

Snövit: It's "finnished". Saunas are originally a Baltic, especially Finnish, thing. Hence you "finnish" bathing when you have had enough. Now, if you are hard pressed by an opponent, you just need to state that you are in fact not left-handed, switch to fencing with your right hand, and then you are bound to win the battle. Unless your opponent also knows about the trick. Like;

"I admit that you are better than I am"
"Then why are you smiling?"
"Because I know something you don't know"
"And what is that?"
"I am not left-handed!"

Rödluvan: You have got it all wrong! You do of course start with the sword in your right hand because you have to hide the fact that you are left-handed. Like,

"There's something I ought to tell you"
"Tell me"
"I'm not right-handed either"

And then you turn a dire disadvantage into total triumph.

Maltatai: Provided of course that you are ambidextrous enough to fence with your off-hand for enough time to score a dramatic revelation moment. Aren't you two supposed to be civil to each other nowadays?

Rödluvan: Oh, eh, sorry. Got a bit carried away.

Snövit: Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

Maltatai: I got them to shut up and stop bickering for a moment? Inconceivable! Anyone else I know coming to the feast, princesses and brides?

Rödluvan: Greiz and most of his mercenaries are just sulky that we got all the loot - glory. But I managed to convince two of them to join us. They're called Azrael and Pratham. They have apparently been abroad in their past and seem to be a lot less merc-like than Greiz.

Snövit: Meshif is coming of course.

Maltatai: Oh, really? I could never have expected that.

Rödluvan: Just ignore him. Maltatai, I mean, not Meshif of course. How is it going?

Snövit: Well, I guess. I think we have both been rather stressed about all this monster business here and I haven't had so much time for him as I would have liked to. Meshif on his part has been very frustrated about being stuck here and maybe he took it out on me a bit. I'm NOT a "pal" of Jerhyn! The thought! I almost skewered the little brat when he mentioned how he feared Meshif was "growing impatient" with him. To say the least! I hope he rots in his dungeon before any trials and rises as a greater mummy so I can slay him time and again!

Later, though, Meshif apologised sort of, and said that he probably hadn't been very friendly lately. He was feeling miserable for not being able to help more, being inexperienced with desert matters and all. I said I was sorry for acting like obsessed with finding ways to deal with cold immunes. Then we started to argue about who had behaved the worst, each of us pressing the point that the other was generally blameless, and it ended in a draw. Meshif gave me a kiss and urged me to end the sand business quickly since he was eager to set sail with me.

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Rödluvan: Awwwww...

Maltatai: Excuse me, I will go and feel sick for a while...

Rödluvan: Tomorrow we set sail! Yippieee!

Snövit: Wohooo!

Maltatai: You seem keen on sailing. Do all Amazons like sailing that much?

Snövit: Only those who are like us.

Maltatai: Nagging, bantering, bickering and totally greedy, vain and occasionally ridiculously romantic?

Rödluvan: No, you moron! Those who are BOWAZONS!

Maltatai: And why is that? Because you can shoot easily from a ship? But javelins should be equally good, both have been popular among marines historically.

Snövit: What...no, because SHIPS HAVE BOWS. Just like a bowazon has a bow. Duuuuh!

Maltatai: "Facepalm" Not that kind of bow! That's the stupidest, most far-fetched... Over and out.
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