The Misadventures of Two Untwinked Javazons

[Maltatai]

Episode 24. In which Rödluvan is Unsafe for Work

Spoiler

Maltatai: This series include absurd and completely exaggerated archetypical behavior, self-centered nonsense from the authors part and internal logic that lacks credibility and defies reality. The present episode is extremely unsuitable and should not be read by anyone. Still here? Well, that shows how effective these kinds of beginning disclaimers are...

Random Bickering Amazon: No, you are TOTALLY wrong. I am quite right.

Random Other Bickering Amazon: On the contrary - YOU are wrong.

Maltatai: That's right. I don't even bother writing out the names of the quarrellers any more.

Random Bickering Amazon: YOU are preposterous.

Maltatai: Hi. How are things?

Snövit: The prodigal chronicler returns!

Askungen: What have you been up to?

Maltatai: Yes, yes, I know, please excuse my absence. The thing is, me and my Hydra Sorceress have purchased a boat at the end of the summer and we have had much to do with having it dry docked for the winter and acquiring additional gear. In my world there isn't the alternative of just heading off to plunder a random demon lords inventory but on the other hand it's generally easier to find something of actual use...

Snövit: Is it a sailing boat?

Maltatai: Duuuuh! Do ships have bows?

Askungen: Tssshihihi! Bad influence seems to be exerted by both protagonists and chronicler.

Snövit: You...are SEABORNE now!

Maltatai: Remember that we have ice during the winter and beach our smaller vessels but technically, yes.

Rödluvan: AWESOME!

Snövit: Can you sleep in it during longer voyages?

Maltatai: Yes, look, I brought a picture...

Rödluvan: BEAUTIFUL! All RED!

Maltatai: That's a bit of exaggeration, look, the lower part of the hull is dark blue with a little white and the deck and cabin is white...

Rödluvan: PETTY DETAILS!

Askungen: What's that material? And what's she called?

Maltatai: It's a cast plastic hull. The material does not exist in Sanctuary but it's something akin to stiff rubber maybe, with a smooth surface. And well, ehm, being very vividly red we have named her Rödluvan actually...

Rödluvan: "Hugs"

Askungen: That was kind of cute of you.

Maltatai: Mmmmf! I need to breathe if I'm going to tell more about Rödluvan, Rödluvan.

Rödluvan: Right, captain! Or wait a moment, which one of you is captain? Will you take turns?

Maltatai: That is currently a debated topic. The prerogative of being the last to leave the vessel and ordering the other to safety in the case of an emergency is fiercely vied for by the whole crew.

Snövit: Tie yourselves together so you count as only one crewmember and jump together. Matter resolved.

Maltatai: That's an...unrestricted way of counting.

Snövit: Ha! I am after all the master of liberal economical thinking here.

Maltatai: But since the question is not yet finally settled I suppose you will all have to address me as captain and consider me invested with the full authority stemming from such a position until anything else is settled in the matter...

Askungen: Dream on!

Rödluvan: Speaking of dreams, do you have beds on board?

Maltatai: Yes, there are room enough for four, unless they are of Barbarian size. Two can sleep together before the mast. Or more accurately before the portal with the huge wooden beam that the mast rests on and which tall persons like me are liable to run into with their heads...

Snövit: Eh, Maltatai, you know how sailors and shipbuilders often claim that a ship has something of a personality of it's own in the way she sails and behaves otherwise? We usually call it the ships spirit on the Amazonian Islands.

Maltatai: Yes. I would probably count myself among those.

Snövit: And would you also agree that the ships spirit is affected by the actions of her crew?

Maltatai: Well, yes, I suppose. If you care a lot for your ship she will at some point hold together when she would be expected to break down. A captain with no devotion to his vessel is unworthy.

Snövit: Then what on EARTH and SEA where you thinking when you named a boat where you two intend to sleep Rödluvan!?

Maltatai: Hm, I...we...it's not that funny, Rödluvan.

Rödluvan: "Smiles even broader"

Askungen: What is Rödluvans spirit like?

Maltatai: Of all boats I have been on she sails better than all but one. The rig is well oiled and tended to and hoisting the sails is almost ridiculously easy. She is well tended to, having lived with a nice crew but needs a new coat inside, nothing major. When I tell her to turn, she obeys...unlike some other boats I could think of... Unlike some others, this fish has fins.

Snövit: Awwww...

Askungen: Do you have any animals onboard?

Maltatai: Most notably the spiders.

Askungen: No!

Maltatai: All small sailing boats seem to have them. They like nesting inside the mast and you generally find some when dismasting during autumn. They're quite cool, bungy jumping down to the ground away from you, and don't cause any trouble.

Askungen: Maltatai! Don't be fooled...

Snövit: Will you be doing repairs and stuff now before next summer?

Maltatai: Yes, that's commonly done during spring. Now we have set up a sort of metal skeleton holding covers tied up to ward off the rain and snow, like a tent pretty much. There is some rust at the keel and new painting needed on the underside of the hull... And then you often polish and wax the upper part to gain a little speed but it's strictly speaking not necessary unless you intent to compete. It helps to keep dirt off, though, and looks nice. And the wooden parts should be oiled regularly, as well as all moving parts in the blocks and most screws of various types...what is it, Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: "Blissfull gaze"

Snövit: Someone is getting funny ideas...

Rödluvan: "Smiles wider than ever"

Maltatai: Are you in any way inclined to share it or do you want us to keep guessing for the rest of the chapter?

Rödluvan: Aaaaanything you wish, my sweet captain, "purrrr..."

Maltatai: What is this about, have you any idea how much you are overdoing your character?

Rödluvan: Oh, I think you have earned the sweetest of words...because TECHNICALLY SPEAKING you and your sorceress have just so gently put me in my bed and pulled a blanket over me under which I will be sleeping during the winter...dreaming of spring with my two first mates...

Snövit: "Blushes"

Maltatai: "Facepalm"

Rödluvan: ...TECHNICALLY SPEAKING oiling and rubbing me thoroughly until I get splashingly wet...

Maltatai: ...from launching into the sea, yes, but there won't be much of a splash because you keep the boats secured with ropes...

Rödluvan: ...oooh, tied up as well - exciting! And as you said, the better you rub, the quicker I go!

Maltatai: Technically speaking: Shut up.

Rödluvan: And after a long day of efforts you can both TECHNICALLY SPEAKING fall asleep in my arms...

Maltatai: GOOD. NIGHT.

Rödluvan: Can I have a picture of my two captains? It's nothing weird with having a picture of the captain on board a ship after all...but I have heard that sometimes you can have really hot pictures and since one is a fiery sorceress it would only be natural that the pictures are equally hot and...

Maltatai: "Pulls blanket over Rödluvans head" Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 25. Peace

Spoiler

Maltatai: After certain extraneous and interruptive events things are now properly in order and we can look forward to a concise and disciplined report by Rapunzel.

Rapunzel: Master, unidentified sounds merit further investigation before the briefing can be continued. Without a confirmed source, it is prudent to assume the possibility of a dire threat. There is a high probability that a possible threat is demon related given current political and metaphysical developments in Sanctuary.

Maltatai: What kind of sounds are we talking about?

Rapunzel: While the human mouth lacks the ability to completely articulate, it is akin to "zzz-tsssihihihihihi...zzz- tsssihihihihihi... zzz- tsssihihihihihi...". One hypothesis is that it is reptilian in some way which would suggest claw vipers as a possible alternative given their affinity for indirect magical interference.

Maltatai: No, that is just an immature Lewdazon sleeping her maritime delusions off...

Rapunzel: Are you certain? The sound is not matched by any description of the life forms of Sanctuary.

Maltatai: Consider it identified. I have access to detailed files in that regard.

Rapunzel: Well then, with reference to the last report and the discussion it did prompt I can now confirm the addition of equipment of hitherto unparalleled decisiveness.

Maltatai: Oh, you managed to craft the Peace armour already, that was early!

Rapunzel: ...

Rapunzel: Is my report predictable to the point of being superfluous?

Maltatai: Oh, of course not! One is probably not the optimal judge of the novelty factor of an Amazon chronicle anymore. On the other hand you may consider it quite an achievement of connecting with the listeners if they manage to see such things coming. I could of course pretend to be astonished by the news if you would like to tell it again.

Rapunzel: The chronicler is asked to refrain from further nonsense of similar grade.

Maltatai: Aided by the armour, the ancients have been promptly disposed of using the effective charged strike. May it and other skills bring great anguish to them in the future as well.

Rapunzel: And from hijacking the storytelling! Besides, your grammar is suboptimal. It was the disposing of the ancients that were aided by the Peace armour, not the disposed of ancients.

Maltatai: What do amazons say in THESE situaions?

Rapunzel: That would be "petty details", yes, but repetition of a phrase does not render it in any way more correct or give greater weight to it in a debate.

Maltatai: A fact that both politicians and civil servants have immense and stupefying difficulties to grasp. Speaking of repetitive, you must be getting pretty used to the sound of valkyries being summoned by now. Almost like the sound of holy bolt for clerics. But divided in, like, a hundred or so.

Rapunzel: The summoning sound isn't extraordinarily annoying but the real obstacle is the rapid switching of personnel! With Goldielocks I could at least keep up a discussion despite the unorthodox topics...

Maltatai: And this moment does for some inexplicable reason call for someone desperately begging the storyteller to exemplify what the current circumstances are like.

Rapunzel: Was it Amanda? Or Mira? Lucy? You have no IDEA how hard it is to keep track of all the different conversations going on with each separate valkyrie! It typically goes something like this:

"Mira: ...the local moss here is a surprising rarity which the late botanist...

SCHVOOM!

Amanda: ...ice cream mixed with slightly heated strawberries...

SCHVOOM!

Lucy: ...over his head and...

SCHVOOM!

Amanda: ...poured into...

SCHVOOM!

Mira: ...ear-like leaves of the...

SCHVOOM!

Lucy: ...fall. Having fallen...

SCHVOOM!

Amanda: ...one medium cup, served promptly."

Maltatai: What's wrong?

Rapunzel: What do you mean, "what's wrong?"?

Maltatai: It makes almost perfect sense to me.

Rapunzel: Would you be so kind to elaborate?

Maltatai: Obviously, there is a local moss, quite a rarity, that the late botanist "Ice Cream" mixed with slightly heated strawberries and poured into the ear-like leaves of the fall (it was evidently autumn and so the leaves had crumbled into ear-like shapes), having fallen one's cup served promptly.

No wonder they are so annoyed if people poured their desserts onto the ground like that! It certainly explains why they want to hammer everyone, and nest near such mossy terrain everywhere in the Western Kingdoms. Evidently they hope to trap this demonstratively mean botanist.

Rapunzel: "Facepalm"

Maltatai: Now that that thing is clarified, let us move on to the end of normal and the climactic battles with the mighty monstrosities that all hard work and adventure culminates in!

Rapunzel: "Raises eyebrow"

Maltatai: Well, someone has to raise the expectations here.

Rapunzel: The ancients were swiftly and effectively dealt with. Further down I enjoyed the opportunity of freezing the minions of destruction in the customary manner.

Maltatai: Indeed, good folk, we do not even deign to devote more than two sentences to the primary villains of normal difficulty. Alas, what a tedious and time consuming grind it must be.

Rapunzel: I find your apparent surprise with that illogical given the amount of experience I have cause to expect.

Maltatai: Perhaps I was in fact never truly paying attention... Nah, that can't be it. Ahem! Were there anything noteworthy in Baals stash?

Rapunzel: YES.

Maltatai: What a stylish flagpole!

Rapunzel: Flagpole!? Clarification is requested.

Maltatai: Don't the maiden pikes look a little like if they had a rolled up flag just under the tip, with that part of the shaft shifting in red and metal?

Rapunzel: Your statement is without connection to reality and based on insubstantial foundations of fact.

Maltatai: Is that so? Then please set a prime example of well supported and factual informing and deliver an equipment status report.

Rapunzel: The bow is holding up well for now but can't sustain my mana. I think my new pike will solve most such issues if I can upgrade it but I'm slightly uncomfortable with being reduced to stabbing from behind the back of my valkyrie. I suppose that is inevitable for now. With additional cold charms more aggressive melee approaches may become viable. The increased player setting appears to yield little return initially, as the experience is poor and I am unable to maintain any acceptable efficiency while at the same time boosting the magic finding. How do tournament characters approach the situation?

Maltatai: Trotting over the corpses of their dead hirelings, the UMT would claim... Additionally, the presence of certain runewords is a considerable factor but otherwise simply by grinding it out.

Rapunzel: At least the unproductive state of affairs did not persist after I reached the Black Marsh.

Maltatai: I noted that. A pity the tower does not aid the ranged amazons very much in nightmare. But maybe you still found something of note?

Rapunzel: Not in itself but the acquisition of certain gems allowed me to upgrade parts of my equipment. I now wield the full might of formal ceremony from a distance.

Maltatai: Good. Apart from that, nothing of note is happening in Act I in nightmare. It is as usual a boring time and place to be in.

Rapunzel: Collected evidence does not support that broad generalization. Did Rödluvan not discover the Langer Briser in the nightmarish tower.

Maltatai: Yes, but that was after actually having the act. And while looking for runes.

Rapunzel: Why are those facts significant? If the item was obtainable at the place it should logically be obtainable at all times regardless of whether one had made progress in other areas.

Maltatai: That assumes that only the officially known mechanics of Sanctuary apply. The cold and lightning seems able to get you a long way towards the alluring treasures of later nightmare. I suppose the world will throw an endless barrage of caster weapons against you now that you have mastered both spear and bow skills.

Rapunzel: I question your complete assuredness that one never will find what one truly need in the world of Sanctuary. On the contrary, has not my predecessors discovered a vast array of useful equipment that they managed to put to decisive use?

Maltatai: That is not the point, the point is that you never find what you are specifically looking for. As soon as you set your mind towards finding a specific piece of equipment the chances to run into everything else instead multiply instantly. That is why it is beneficial to keep several options open regarding equipment and style of engagement.

Rapunzel: And this has been thoroughly tested?

Maltatai: Years of field studies! Grueling hours of vain searching yielding indisputable conclusions even though the exact chain of events is unknown.

Rapunzel: And there is no danger that any form of superstition or other sources of error in judgement may have affected the reasoning over time?

Maltatai: Absolutely not! This is a well established fact among the authorities in Sanctuary physics. The greater the need for a specific object, the harder it becomes to find. Irrelevant artifacts and ditto of peripheral value does on the other hand drop like mortar projectiles in renaissance age strategy games (mortars are the coolest, shooting over walls and your own troops...).

Rapunzel: The ultimate character would with regard to this then be someone who could use any non-class-specific weapon, cast spells and prebuff in some way, use both physical and elemental damage and take advantage of a shield while not depend on it.

Maltatai: Yes, that sounds fairly ultimate.

Rapunzel: Is it possible?

Maltatai: You amazons come close, except your lack of casted damaging spells. Necromancers and paladins could probably piece together some sort of all skill build, focusing most points on damage spells. A sorceress archmage with enchant is another possible option, or an assassin if she can make cast rate improvements count. Barbarians lack variety of damage and druids are unwieldy due to their shapeshifting and casting split.

Rapunzel: I am starting to worry about my life. At between five and six hundred it is quite low and I will have to put every effort into building up my strength and dexterity in order to be able to wield all weapons that the world will attempt to not give me.

Maltatai: Just stay out of melees for the moment and you should be fine. You should be able to run away from most things nowadays, I understand. Oh, they are certainly soo stylish and almost on par with Aldurs. Not bad for a gamble in early nightmare!

If nothing else works, we'll look for a belt of the whale and such to get the red up. I would prefer it to be solved by blood crafted gear though, it's much more stylish and potentially useful. Maybe even circlets could help, although a socket should preferably not be wasted on something so mundane as a ruby.

Rapunzel: The Sol runes of Askungen did prove to be effective as well. Perhaps they would be worth assembling.

Maltatai: Perhaps. That would be the shield mainly, then, but nothing wrong with that. You would benefit a lot from protection from minor enemy missiles since your offensive power is supposed to keep most enemies at a distance. Might even be worth it to try and craft some safety rings if only to make use of the gems and runes.

Rapunzel: Crafted rings and a belt of the whale...I do remain somewhat skeptical towards these modest ambitions. It is my firm belief that thorough testing will require researching the treasure hunting capabilities of the respective skills. Performance under strained conditions due to wearing too much lucky gear, suitability for engaging Prime Evils and their door guards...

Maltatai: There is of course no hint of eagerness to get ones share of the golden treasures that lurk behind such aspirations. Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 26. Annoyance

Spoiler

Maltatai: Rapunzel the unspecialised stand in the dust and sand, lacking everything from lotion to sunglasses. Aided by her new valkyries and their diverse magical effects she unleashes her own arcane assaults against the vermin that arrogantly shrugs off the expertly resisted damage that they are specifically evolved to endure. It is truly like a most horrible dream, yet there is worse to come!

Rapunzel: You are familiar with the sensation of being in a nightmare where you can not get out or away, trying to move or make a sound yet not able? Like you are glued to the floor?

Maltatai: Yes, that totally does what the locust swarms do.

Rapunzel: Well, this is a nightmare come true!

Maltatai: One is sorely tempted to state the current difficulty level. But one is a gentleman and will resist such base urges. May one inquire in what manner this particular experience made itself known?

Rapunzel: In a slippery blue-vested, white-robed, turban-crowned, perfume-oozing repulsive ultra-eeewy manner! He cornered me as soon as I arrived! I tried to run and hide but it was like the streets closed up into dead ends on their own and I could never run far or fast enough!

Jerhyn:
I can show you my town
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

Lay your sparkling sweet eyes
On my so mighty palace
Much more, come in and under
I have magic carpets inside

A whole new world!
From my fantastic point of view
No one would tell me no, or what to do
You must think you are dreaming

Let's go downstairs
A dazzling place you never knew
But when we're way down here, it's crystal clear
You'll just let me tell you what to do
You just let me tell you what to do

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feelings
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless pillow sea
Let's go downstairs
Don't you dare close your eyes!

Rapunzel:
A hundred thousand miles away
My feet are mired in tar
I must run far
Where did that blasted
town gate used to be?

Jerhyn:
Your hair is like lemon curd

Rapunzel:
Every turn a dead end
Every moment is crucial
I'll retreat anywhere
Such a night-mare
To tread into this whole new world, oh woe!

Jerhyn:
A whole new world

Rapunzel:
My hair has curled

Jerhyn:
That's where we'll be

Rapunzel:
I will cross the sea

Jerhyn:
A thrilling chase

Rapunzel:
A ghastly place
For me to be

Rapunzel: How can this be!?

Maltatai: Weeeell...rumor has it...

Rapunzel: YES?

Maltatai: Are you familiar with the mighty unique ataghans known as the "Djinn Slayers"?

Rapunzel: Did not Askungen and Ip discover one in the northlands?

Maltatai: Indeed. The origin of those, and the weaker and rusted remnants of far more of those that come in the form of the flying scimitars that you encounter here and there, is obscure but the purpose is clear - the utter destruction of each and every djinn encountered. The djinni are odd spirit beings which to some are known as genies and they are absolutely infamous for their part in the history of these lands in elevating the most corrupt crooks and bandits to positions of power that they neither deserved nor managed. As is abundantly evident to this day.

Now, rumor has it that one of the few remaining and highly functional Djinn Slayers is wielded by a certain maritime fellow in a commanding position.

Rapunzel: Wait a second... Meshif wields a Djinn Slayer?!

Maltatai: Haven't you ever wondered what kind of scimitar that really is and why an otherwise most peaceful fellow always carries it around? However, with a certain new first mate occupying his attentions the genie defense duties have obviously suffered. The consequences are apparent.

Rapunzel: The consequences are appalling!

Maltatai: Yeah, so it is obviously a huge relief to go out and just focus on the monster hunting work out in the desert. Focusing and steadying the mind and such...

Rapunzel: Gaah! The slowness of this grind of a personal advancement is a veritable nightmare! I run out of mana after five arrows!

Maltacus: Glad to hear that everyone is enjoying themselves.

Rapunzel: There is a most critical imbalance between the assembled gear and the resistance of the enemies at this point of the game.

Maltacus: Oh no, not a single Langer Briser in sight?

Rapunzel: Indeed not, and I have not failed to yet again notice the sarcastic undertone. The lack of decisive equipment is proving to be an impediment that transcends the border of ridiculousness.

Maltatai: One would otherwise expect the cold damage to work fairly well against the scorched opponents of the desert. How do they fare?

Rapunzel: They freeze as optimal as can be expected as I control no less than four charms of cold damage by now, providing me with a convenient opening for attacks after freezing the enemy at first.

Maltatai: Well, you'll just have to steel yourself and put your heart and soul into it...or someone else's may work too...

Rapunzel: Suboptimal compared to the red boots.

Maltatai: What about melee weaponry?

Rapunzel: There has been notable upgrades...

Maltatai: A fine fishing rod if ever there was one! If one was out to hunt tentacle beasts, that is.

Rapunzel: Actually, almost to the point. A primary target has been the nightmarish yet now not eightfold Andariel. Being single-mindedly focused on my valkyrie, she exposes herself to thrusts even by slower weapons. It is just a pity that her poison cuts through valkyries of this strength before critical damage may be delivered.

Maltatai: Such hard work using the cumbersome and hampering treasure finding gear. And still such successes are positively dwarfed by the totally random drop right out in the middle of nowhere that greeted new travellers in Araochs picturesque countryside.

Yet, what would any Act be without the glorious drops of golden, shining and absolutely irrelevant items?

As previously predicted, the game still manages to procure unfitting items even to such a generalist character as Rapunzel. Hopefully that would change when she met the promising Act boss. Not. For it is neither quest-bugged Andariel nor generous Mephisto.

Look closely here. If you quickly switch your gaze between the upper and lower part of the picture it will look as if Duriel is biting and stabbing at the valkyrie who dodges. Cool, isn't it?

Rapunzel: Is that not a somewhat outdated form of entertainment?

Maltatai: Nonsense! Besides, look at the picture - this is quite the platform game! One had best not make too quick transitions to modernity as from too severe surprises may lead to a serious shock.

Rapunzel: This...does not make sense...

Maltatai: Whereas donning full magic finding gear before dispatching DURIEL does? Not to mention gaining that kind of quest drop from the supreme lord of scrolls of town portals?

Rapunzel: That may not make sense either. Master, will I have to go through the same tedium for a whole other Act?

Maltatai: I don't think it will be quite so bad. The jungle dwellers have somewhat more life but they are not nearly as efficient resurrectors nor are there as many skeletons or other unleechables. You amazons are jungle dwellers after all so you should be fine...

Rapunzel: That is a gross generalization. The slopes of the mountains shift into a temperate zone and the peaks are covered in snow with an alpine climate. Seeing as I have focused on thunder and cold a logical preliminary assessment would be to connect me with the areas above the tropical forests.

Maltatai: Point taken. Then it would seem that your feet will rot in your boots and you will be eaten by the now nightmarish giant spiders as the inexperienced mountaineer that you are. Such a tragedy.

Rapunzel: "Gulp"...

Maltatai: No, you won't! I was just joking. Freeze them from afar before engaging and do not engage the spiders or trees in melee whatsoever. You should be fine.

Rapunzel: I have been told spiders grow to be very dangerous in later difficulties. Extra caution is only proper.

Maltatai: Unless the source is an otherwise environmentally friendly root with an irrational and somewhat prejudiced opinion about spiders. But do keep your distance from them. Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 27. The First Sighting

Spoiler

Maltatai: Lo and behold! After seven Acts of absence - here he is! Watch and be amazed! The one, the only:

Diary of Puke Wolf

"4 September
Aaahahahahaa! It is I, Puke Wolf! Finally I tread into this world which I have until now been denied! I am a terrifying spider, weaving my tangled web of influence and intrigue all across Kurast and the Internet, soon to trap and devour any little traveller stopping for a snack at the spider cavern. However, now that I think of it, it would have been better if I spawned at the Arachnid Lair instead. They live just next to the waypoint and I bet there are hundreds of travelers passing by, like a perpetual food delivery service! Those guys at the Lair seem to get everything for free these days...

Being a spider, I seem to have quite the appeal to the spideressess...but wait a moment, what if one would turn out to be a unique one as well... Isn't "Black Widow" among the possible combinations? Note to self: cancel dinner reservations.

I sport a superb combination of the dangerous shock aura and a curse! Now all who face me will be automatically cursed, and what better combination to express my antipathy towards the Idiot Wolves of Kurast? I am the curse of lightning mages embodied!

9 September
Crap. I am in Hell, awaiting reassignment. This stupid islander came by. She had a beefy glowing guardian spirit or something that really irritated all my eyes but to add insult to injury she never even got close enough for my ultra-powerful combination to take effect. She just stood there behind the pike spirit shooting arrows at me. They were very cold too and it took a stupid amount of time for me to warm up after a hit. I hope I can find a position closer to here. It has to be harder for those arrows to work in the Hell climate. I wonder if there are any fallen Irk Wolves to pester around here?"

Maltatai: And so ends the tale of Puke Wolf for now. Where will he appear next time?

Rapunzel: The point of this particular chronicling yet eludes me.

Maltatai: What? The insight into the workings of the enemy side in an integral part of good storytelling. And we can't all haunt Black Hack, now where would be the originality in that?

Rapunzel: So...you intend to follow the career of said enemy delegate for purely dramatic reasons?

Maltatai: Naturally. Why, imagine if someone picked a candidate purely because the name irritates an annoying red union leader. That would be completely without sense and proportion. Fortunately the chroniclers of our time are above such petty considerations, hehehe...

Rapunzel: The Puke Wolf spider is bearing striking similarities to another life form I have gathered data about.

Maltatai: Hm?

Rapunzel: It is called a "Forum Lurker". If you catch one you will receive a treasured comment, much like the fabled leprechauns giving up gold to their captors, but in the case of forum lurkers with slightly toned down elements of kidnap and ransom. However, I strongly suggest utmost caution since the "Lurker" family consists of extremely dangerous species, with heads and shoulders bearing a striking similarity to Duriels, and being able to burrow into the ground and shoot sharp spikes through it into the feet of unsuspecting travellers.

Maltatai: Ah, well, the forum lurker is of a slightly more peaceful disposition, luckily. In degenerate and corrupted states, it may develop into a "Forum Flamer" which is a nuisance and pest of a vile vermin but those cases are fortunately rather rare nowadays in the Diablo II forums.

Onward Rapunzel went, and an arduous track through the jungle it was, especially the enormous and winding maze of a path between the Spider Forest and the Flayer Jungle. Not a waypoint in sight for hundreds of miles...that is, if you looked to the sides or backwards.

Flayer after flayers plagued the land and especially the huge trees were tiresome, charging up their frenzy to crush the valkyrie at the first possible moment. It was clear that despite better leeching, Rapunzel was seriously underequipped to deal with such foes in a decent time. She broke the dull routine by repeatedly raiding Andariel and Duriel, the latter whom her valkyrie had a much easier time standing up to, to perhaps find a suitable weapon for the nightmarish acts needing committing. It was obviously a great relief and breaking of the tedium of daily routine to run the exact same path time and time again to face the exact same Act boss. Such a relief... Yet no bow or javelin of note did drop. Nigh unbearable would it have been were it not for one particular belt that the chronicler, but few other players, seem to hold in high regard.

With this addition, Rapunzel was able to negate immense amounts of regeneration and operate independent of the constant poisoning or flaming from immolation arrows, which improved her efficiency by a considerable degree. Especially strafe proved effective, if still too expensive for continuous barrages.

The customs and common laws of salvage in Sanctuary are quite clear, yet still the original owner would press his outrageous and ludicrous claims, sending written notes of undignified insistence.

Strengthened by new addition, Rapunzel girded for the wading through the river of masked toe-biters with the giant cutlery swarming through the trees. At last the welcoming crushing and lightning of Stormtree greeted the visitors who promptly ran away. Following the underhanded and twisted tactics of approaching from another direction the underpaid door guards faltered. Now the ill reputed temples lay before the wary protagonist and it was evidently time to include a new tactic in the arbitrary procedures. Perhaps some of the expertise at hand could be consulted for a more efficient deployment?

Rapunzel: I have gotten to the point where I deem it feasible to include studies of the application of the Cloaking Device known under the codename of Nadir. It is claimed to be of decisive importance in some situations.

Törnrosa: Bah, an overrated manifestation. These earthly "Sanctuary Hour" events are all mere festivities for the simple commoners, whereas the true salvation and problem solving can only come from the chosen illuminate.

Askungen: It is a fine and constructive example of a common will to improve our ecological conditions, and it should be held up as a role model for other grassroot initiatives! The gathering of so many diverse participants in a common action is an achievement in itself.

Törnrosa: An initiative that will run out as morning and the first hangovers starts dawning. It is a shallow and insignificant activity, not to say immature.

Askungen: It is a democratically approved and bonding event!

Törnrosa: It is a cheesy night of nonsense! Cheesier that a Hammerdin twinked with Danish Brie inside his plates!

Rapunzel: So?

Törnrosa: ...and also! Also...pardon?

Rapunzel: You stated that said event was a cheesy night of nonsense and compared it with a paladin build wielding dangerous chemical substances along with the Blessed Hammer skill. And I replied with "So?", which may have been clearer had it been stated in the fuller version of "So what?" instead.

Törnrosa: But what would you mean by "So what?"? What more is there to say about it?

Rapunzel: Why would the fact that the event is a cheesy, immature and shallow gathering of uneducated potion addicts, assuming for the sake of argument that the assessment is accurate, exclude all usefulness of it?

Törnrosa: It, it...come to your senses arbiter, surely you know how absurd that sounds?

Rapunzel: I beg to differ. Given the circumstances that you yourself have informed about, that the majority of the population are unfit to be in a leading and decision-making position, prompting a select few to assume the role of heading the governing, it would be a logical conclusion that the events that attract and engage such a crowd would be vey effective for reaching a large number of potential supporters.

Törnrosa: Perhaps but it is still a degenerate mod of...of...

Rapunzel: Of partakers who may or may not be able to produce something useful in the way of ecological concerns, for example, yet their apparently apparent tastelessness is not in itself enough to dismiss the event as insignificant or counterproductive.

Törnrosa: But it's a...a...rabble, a mob...

Rapunzel: Then a rabble whose usefulness should be compared to others and not categorically dismissed simply for being a rabble.

Askungen: Ha! The gathered grassroots will always triumph!

Rapunzel: A line of reasoning I find flawed.

Askungen: Huh? What now?

Rapunzel: First, if the grassroots would always triumph, would they not by definition if nothing else be the establishment and thus not grassroots? Secondly, I question the idea that the positive impacts of decentralized leadership would render an organization immune to any and all possible collective shortcomings. The diversity in dedication, skills and individual agendas may render the common gathering much less suited to fulfill its designated tasks than a small but more formidable elite group, unless of course the designated task is the widespread participation in itself, but then there has still been a notable narrowing from the previous always.

Askungen: Hrrm...

Törnrosa: Some people should promptly return to the fold of the lighteous...

Maltatai: While this new and expensive addition to the arsenal was useful, it was nevertheless not the mighty weapon or skill improvement that would have been needed. Many other useful but too small steps along the way were taken as well.

Interesting and useful in some ways but not what was needed right now. The situation was critically tiresome...is critically tiresome I gather from your bored expression?

Rapunzel: Boo. Consider my boredom expressly stated.

Maltatai: Consider the stated boredom considered. Can't you make some use of all these findings?

Rapunzel: Of course I can! I'm a spectral amazon, I wield all things. The faster bow is by all means useful for faster ice barrages but my mana is too low to take full advantage of it. Teleportation may be useful against ancients but there is the serious issue of the slow casting animation. Since I do not have a mercenary I need to protect my need for that is less than my precursors. The charms are probably the most useful long term addition, especially since they come with a gold bonus to compensate for Nadirs extra gold penalty.

Maltatai: And so the mighty venom lords with huge hit points await... Not to mention Diablo...

Rapunzel: Gaaah! Unbearable!

Maltatai: Ooops...serious morale drop. Hrm. Rapunzel is now getting ready to storm the Durance while hoarding energy from meaty loaves and loafy flayer meat. And singing... Amazons are such a melodramatic people... And to think that she is supposed to be the rational and sensible of them. Evidently the prolonged exposure to all the others is taking effect.



Rapunzel:

And I would do anything for loot
I'd run right into Hell and back
I would do anything for loot
I'd need much better gear and that's a fact
But I'll never make more progress as it feels right now,
Oh no, no way
And I would do anything for loot,
I would do anything for loot
I would do anything for loot, but I will not twink
No, I will not twink

Some bow that will not miss easy
Some bow that will hit quite hard
With arrows that don't run out, or mana that drains and never ends
Like Rödluvan breathing fire
Like Snövit unleashing ice
Win fights ranged and safe before they could ever see or retaliate

Maybe I'm crazy, but it's crazy that shoots true
I know that would save me from much scary monsters that cause woe

To see guided arrows when turning
To know that the bolts are burning
The best archer dreams all coming true
That's what I'd acquire, if I would do
Anything for loot
Oh, I would do anything for loot
Oh, I would do anything for loot, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

I would do anything for loot
Already have a ruby boot, but I need more than that
I would do anything for loot
My peaceful armour's black as soot, except the shoulder pads

A spear that is charged with lightning
A spear green like grassroot soul
Some night they will lose it all when the spinach flies and the thunder rolls
Maybe I'm lonely, that's all I'm qualified to be
There's just one and only, the one and only arbiter is me

At night when the shades conceal me
At night no one else can see me
From shadows I'll strike, that's how I roll
'Fore anyone sees it
For I would do anything for loot
All will know it's true and that's a fact
I would do anything for loot
I will stab and shoot them in the back

But I'll never do it better than I do it right now, so long, so long
As I do not get my gear upgrades, as I do not get my gear upgrades
I need to get my gear upgrades, how will I do that, oh damn, how will I do that?

Will you raise me up, will you help me shine?
Will you get me right out of this Lightforsaken shrine?
Will you show me how to master all cold?
I will do that, I will learn that

Will you cater to every fantasy we've got?
Will you share your flame and potions with us, lovely red and hot?
Will you show me plants that I've never known?
I will drink that, oh wow, and I will know that

I know the storyline, it's been around
It will all turn to dust, every feast fall down
And sooner or later, Hell is coming around
I will face that, though I may deed in that

Anything for loot, I will go to Hell



Maltatai: Here she goes! Bright little brigand girl and highwaywoman honey! And...what have we here?

Maltatai: If the repeated stabs will not destroy Mephisto then his electricity bill is sure to finish him off along with the optician costs after the repeated blinding valkyrie summonings.

Maltatai: Mephisto is nearly down! Time to redress the dress and dress the line for the last charge.

Rapunzel: Hmm...hmm...blue this , yellow that...and...

Maltatai: Aaah! The noise! "casting Emergency Deafness"

Rapunzel: Pardon the audio annoyance. But I have read up thoroughly on the subject and similar sonic outbursts are the proper response to game changing acquisitions.

Maltatai: I wish they were not...

Rapunzel: The rare melee weapons have served me well but are now retired with full honors. May they enjoy eternal tending and maintenance from Jamella.

Maltatai: Doesn't that require Jamella to be eternally trapped in the Pandemonium Fortress or comparably dull places tending equipment for never ending eons?

Rapunzel: May they enjoy eternal tending and maintenance from Jamella or comparably skilled replacements...

Maltatai: Quite surely the United Smithing Tenders (UST), equally troublesome as the UMT, are sighing with relief behind some distant scene.

Rapunzel: With the new circlet coming Act Bosses should be quite less dangerous. With this finally successful streak it wouldn't surprise me if even a Pul or Lem rune would drop at the Hellforge! Onward and over and out!

 

[Maltatai]

T72on1:

Maltatai, being new here, it's the first time I read these adventures. They are hilarious yet informative, very well written !!! Excellent work .
Keep up the awesome work, and I'll surely be here again to comment next time. I still prefer the good old fashioned way of writing a reply over the like-like buttons of them youngsters .

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 28. That Which Is Unmentioned

Spoiler

Telash: She don't want to talk bout it.

Floria: She don't want to talk about it.

Ip: She don't want it mentioned.

Waheed: She don't want to speak regarding it.

Telash: To be kept quiet.

Waheed: Out of conversation.

Floria: Absent from interlocutors wherever they may be.

Ip: Unrevisited in every future conversation.

Maltatai: Unintelligible nonsense like this deserve an explanation. Therefore we will jump back in time to an earlier date just like a movie after an ominous introductory scene.

_______________________________________________________________________



Several days earlier:

Ip: 'Up? You got this weird summon too?

Waheed: Seems so.

Floria: Yup.

Telash: Did you get the weirdo reference to important information being divulged too?

Floria: Yup 2.0.

Maltatai: Good, I see that we are all assembled...

Telash: What?! Charge!

Maltatai: We have more important matters at hand! So please be so kind as to stay the hand that we have more important matters at. That would be handy.

Telash: Notice my narrowing and skeptical gaze.

Ip: Heh, let's hear him out. He's either discovered some guts or Thundergods Vigor under his shirt.

Maltatai: Unforeseen complications are becoming a serious distraction for one of my operatives in a highly sensitive operation, requiring outside assistance. Meaning you. The gravity of the matter places it far above mundane missile troop issues.

Floria: You and your overly affecting books or tv-shows or games or other expressions of popular culture. It is a recurring bad habit I have understood from my amtrophologian background studies.

Maltatai: Considering all the political and bureaucratical nonsense I am exposed to in my line of work I consider overbearing bursts of culture a beneficial sign of mental health. Besides, you are all actually stored for safety in what is both literally and figuratively a black box. And while you are perhaps not all sharing a common past completely you could still very much be said to be part of a division of murderous employees where one can find both the dutiful and even idealistic, as well as the unscrupulous mercenary types. Also, like the model division, the loose confederation of warring tribes at hand has been prone to internal division and strife. Also...

Ip: Is there a point at the end of all the impudent remarks?

Maltatai: The point is that Rapunzel is unwell. She is strained and stressed and thinks only of her arbitrary task at hand. While being merc'less has so far proven quite easy in battle the times between are lonely and the loneliness is telling. I did underestimate that particular complication. And despite all the inviting hints from the other main Amazons she keeps to herself since she feels doing otherwise will compromise her impartiality. However, the hirelings of the competitors may be regarded as a different matter. After all, one could argue that thorough field studies should include interviews with eyewitnesses of the respective elements full effect and potential power. So could you perhaps most graciously consider undertaking a little cheering up of one lonely arbiter?

Telash: Consider it undertaken...but you are not off the unionized hook!

Waheed: Be cool. We've got it.

Ip: On it.

Floria: I wonder if she would like a chapter of her own in my amthropological report?

Ip: Bribe her with a customized potion...

Floria: Ip! That would be really unethical. Besides, isn't Rapunzel supposed to be like this all-work-no-nonsense merc'less and merciless iron woman? She would shoot the potion out of my hand and proceed to test the different elements with me as target!

Maltatai: She isn't quite so iron-like...ironly...irony any more. But just to be safe you should all befriend her equally much so that no party can be said to be favored before the other.

Waheed: I'll conjure a cool aura to cure her headache.

Floria: I'll warm her joints.

Ip: I'll carry her gear home.

Telash: I'll light up the way.

______________________________________________________________________


Maltatai: Now back to present date the unretelling will continue.

Ip: The finding of the interesting yet discarded Venom Grip gloves does not merit further elaboration.

Waheed: Nor does the incomprehensibly fittingly named enemy with fire enchantment and magic resistance. Aptly cooled down.

Telash: Throughout the track through the hells the foes grew quite dangerous when Abyss Knights combined with hard melee monsters and giving ranged support. Sustainable shooting development was sorely lacking since Freezing Arrow is so expensive and Charged Strike exposing to dangers. But none of that has really proven noteworthy.

Floria: And the expectations when finally arriving at the Hellforge we shall not delve into.

Not to mention, which we as mentioned shall not, the baffling and disappointing anticlimax of a result.

Ip: Rapunzel does not want to talk about the small running charm she found either.

Waheed: Not cool.

Telash: Not even the shining illumination of a most conveniently placed combat shrine could lighten her mood. The prime evils really are total losers when it comes to furniture, leaving combat shrines around like that

Maltatai: These are dark days for the heroine hopes. They are lucky to have the few but valuable encouragements that are offered.

Ip, Floria, Waheed, Telash:

Maltatai: As you may remember if you read the last episode I mentioned the forum lurker, the fascinating and, together with Black Hacks and Puke Wolves, comment-generating lifeform that has luckily not yet gone extinct. I managed to catch one fine specimen recently resulting in invigorating input. Over and out!

 

[Maltatai]

T72on1:

Hehe, still here, still reading, still enjoying it . That was some bad luck on the forge there .
Thanks for another wonderful story !!!

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 29. Exploding Arrows

Spoiler

After the debacle in Act IV Rapunzel had calmed down after arriving in the scenic northern lands. There she and Maltatai the infamous chronicler engaged in a tactical and technical theoretical discussion, the kind that was so longwinded that the listeners would fall asleep at once.

Maltatai: I have been demoted from storyteller to peripheral story character! Teh horror! Hm, yes...theoretical discussion... Visualize. Who are you?

Rapunzel: I am independent and self-sufficient. I rely on nothing but myself and what I can bring with me to one battle.

Maltatai: Armoured in what?

Rapunzel: What do I need from the armour?

Maltatai: The valkyrie. I think, at least. Perhaps you can even become so overwhelming that you become independent on the peaceful valkyrie? Currently you do need the anti-freezing from your Spirit Shroud. And you would also need to at least charge up the venom from a treachery.

Rapunzel: One too much?

Maltatai: One too much. Such a shame you cannot store any suit sideways in the cube to fit, hehehe...

Rapunzel: Which one must go?

Maltatai: No, which one can not go? Which one can not be replaced from any other piece of equipment?

Rapunzel: That would be Treachery. But I don't have the skill points to spare for a strong valkyrie of my own either.

Maltatai: Yet it is not impossible to acquire, only very unlikely. And for all the other lovely attributes of the shroud it is the inability to freeze which is vital. The question is therefore whether it will be easier to replace the peaceful valkyrie or find another non-armour non-shield item which can not freeze.

Rapunzel: Meaning Raven Frost.

Maltatai: Unless you would be insanely fortunate to run into Trang'Ouls Girth. Or the equally elusive Darksight Helm. That thing does seem tailored for this exact situation, or would seem if not for the fact that it is made of metal and not cloth. I hope. That would be stupid. A vloth helmet. Imagine the minotaurs laughing and pointing at it. I wonder what that sounds like? They would maybe be like "MoooOOOooohohohohohahaHAHAHAAA!!!".

Rapunzel: "Clears throat"

Maltatai: There is actually also Death's Guard.

Rapunzel: Oh, you can't be serious...

Maltatai: Yes, "can not be frozen" is that important. All your speed counts for nothing if it is negated by the first cold damage you take. I would feel more at ease if you garbed yourself in Thundergods Vigor or the String of Ears, or even Wilhelms leeching Pride that you have stored at the moment, but mobility is your main defence. It must be maintained.

Rapunzel: So I must find either a means to compensate for the lack of a valkyrie or a Raven Frost ring.

Maltatai: So it would seem. Now, please continue. What do you envision in the way of weaponry?

Rapunzel: I can effectively damage any enemy. That means not only must I wield a bow and a javelin to execute all possible attacks but also be able to deal effective damage with each. I can cripple both crowds and individual enemies, thus prevail in any encounter, either by standing my ground or retreating to more favourable positions.

Maltatai: That means slowing. Lots of it, which means another source. More than 50 % will not affect bosses and can be considered redundant. That also means cloaking, and not just at stairs but regularly.

Rapunzel: The gloves will stay on, then. Otherwise, I am generally happy with my weapons and would hope to be able to upgrade them. But what should I add?

Maltatai: We need Riphook. There is no alternative.

Rapunzel: Blackhorns Face?

Maltatai: Will sooner or later mean you stand without adequate crowd control among archers or vipers or whatever else. Besides, the cloaking might be just as needed for you to hit things in hell.

Rapunzel: Then what about resistant and immune enemies? Will I be stuck with Hwanins belt now?

Maltatai: Open wounds will deal with them. If we can keep the belt without losing too much it's fine and a considerable asset versus large crowds that you can split into parts and alternate between but strictly not necessary. I would choose more leeching instead, or possibly some resistant future belt if you are that lucky.

Rapunzel: You do realize you are advocating throwing away the second most coveted item among all bowazons?

Maltatai: It does not fit in. Neither will Draculs Grasp, Baranars Star or Shaftstop, no matter how mighty each of them are in their own way. The same goes for Witchwild String - a close fail is still just as much a fail.

Rapunzel: And if I should one day unravel the Buriza-do Kyanon? Or Hellrack? Windforce?

Maltatai: Then I shall reconsider my analysis but I can't see any other weapon than Riphook or Gut Siphon stopping a pack of frenzied champion minotaurs or extra fast ancients charging against you. And that will be what counts.

Rapunzel: This is highly restricting. There must be another alternative.

Maltatai: PDR. You would have to have a shell like Askungen to withstand all the possible stairtraps that cloaking would negate. One idea is curses from a shield or from jewellery, but they would need to be used on one foe at a time. That is too slow in such a situation unless you would redo your equipment almost totally to be able to sustain that kind of predicament.

Rapunzel: More.

Maltatai: Drop the idea of crowd control except in stairtrap situations. Suppose you do not carry a spare armour but a spare helmet in your cube instead. We then assume that only one bosspack will ever greet you in melee range next to a stair, and if surrounded by more there will ultimately come a time where only teleporting or leaping could work. And we also count on you keeping that teleportation amulet inside the cube at all times. So, in the event of a stairtrap that is impossible, you would retreat up, put on the amulet, descend and then cloak and teleport behind the enemy line in some way, casting a blocking decoy. But then there is this thing with the Amazon casting animation...

Rapunzel: Damn.

Maltatai: What had prompted these materialistic debates? Let us go back to the time immediately after the last chapter.

The Hell of nightmares was quite the disappointment and all involved did of course wish to experience some kind of treasure bathing spa weekend worthy of a miserly old duck in a high hat. Or in any case discover some proper loot. Rapunzel did find a jewel that in truth was pretty carmine (7 % and 9, respectively). Yawning and rolling their eyes about the authors witticisms, the merc'less mauler continued up the foothills outside Harrogath and came upon an interesting instrument that could also fire arrows. It was slower than Rapunzels present bow but notably more powerful, increasing the overall effectiveness.

Having claimed the first waypoint, it was time to head back to loot the hateful lord treasurer of Travincal. A golden Dacian Falx was probably a joy for the Dacians. An amulet named Skull Heart included necromantic energies which was outstandingly fitting but little more than that. Far better for the arbitrary ones was the light gauntlets, seemingly tailored for looting Mephisto. While stalking the Bloody Foothills for some change of scenery blunt and unrefined weaponry fell into the hands of the sophisticated protagonist who wrinkled her nose and tossed them away. While at the same time bitterly envying the versatility of a dual wielding Barbarian with a golden jagged star and barbed club. She was so green with envy that it was actually quite charming and condensed into a small charm of Anthrax which would prevent enemy healing and attract chaste knights to your castle. To outrun the pesky inhabitants one was fortunate to have a small charm inertia as well. Lastly, as if to compensate for the irrelevant loot, Rapunzel came upon a decent spear, which was still of course inferior tot he Titans Revenge.

A couple of girding girdles later, however, joy and happiness reigned for in a deserted cupboard of Mephisto were stored nothing less than the Witchwild String! With resistances, customization, bright blue colour, cursing and magic arrows it is a marvel for those wishing to be a combination of blue and red archers.

Blue and bright with white magic arrows, the bow contrasted fiendishly with the light spiritual shroud that was peculiarly warm despite its modest, or immodest if you prefer, coverage.

In Lower Kurast a couple of convenient chests yielded a few fine charms and Andariel gave up a very crude specimen of the Wizendraw.

The attempt to cube an outrageously good barbaric charms to something useful ended with less than stellar results...

Most interesting was a ring with telekinesis charges which could prove very good against traps like evil urns. Most welcome was an amulet of viper safety but if it only could have had, say, a chromatic prefix as well...

The overflowing rare drops are always enjoyable even if the items are not necessarily useful. Just as with the other amazons, the stupid bow Stormstrike was stalking Rapunzel too.

With these new pieces of equipment it was no trouble trekking through the highlands with economy and self-sufficiency. The Witchwild String was socketed with SHael runes and the arrows flew fast. Freezing arrow and strafe did surprisingly prove to be a workable combination, and guided arrow was much better with the increased damage and thereby mana leeching. Thresh Socket did not know what hit him (apart from the untactical valkyrie who engaged prematurely).

Unfortunately the next areas was now, as it was Nightmare difficulty, filled with nasty urns which could spawn certain kinds of unpleasant and exceedingly deadly reptiles. Nihlatak, returned to cause mischief yet again, had of course organised it all and clapped his hands together expectantly, sure of the imminent defeat of his pursuer. The episode was just about to return to the present when the storyteller was interrupted by the arrival of bowazons and javazons that put him in a socially complicated position with regard to the desire of privacy and secrecy from Rapunzels side when it came to her field testing.

Askungen: Hello there! Where is Rapunzel? She has hardly been visible lately.

Maltatai: I think she is busy with her evaluations and comparisons.

Rödluvan: Aw, she takes all that too seriously. She needs to let her hair down and take a break.

Snövit: All work and no play makes Rapunzel a dull girl.

Maltatai: All bickering and no peaceful coexistence makes no free time left for the judges.

Askungen: All snark and no manners make writers a pest.

Törnrosa: "mumbles to herself" All foolishness and no results proves the point that important things should not be left to the rabble.

Snövit: In any case, do tell her that she is free to join us at the Etdlach Memorial Bar. Telash has constructed this weird contraption that makes texts of songs appear to make people sing them and be motivated to make spontaneous stage performances. I think he called it "Kara-off-key" or something. That would fit the expected singing voices anyway.

Törnrosa: I would hope there is a volume control for rogue users.

Snövit: So have fun scribbling 'til then!

"Amazons leave"

Maltatai: Now then, back to the present. Oh no, Rapunzel already stands before an evil urn!

"CRASH!"

"HISSSSSSS!"

Rapunzel: Aaaaah!

Maltatai: Get away!

Rapunzel: "Pant" "pant" That tore away more than half my life! If anyone else would have charged me I would be no more... "shudder" "shiver" And now I must go through two labyrinths of ice caves with those evil monsters in them. I want to wake up from this! Wait...what is that distant voice?

Maltatai: Nihlatak...

In the dark of the night she is tossing and turning
And the nightmare she has is as bad as can be
I'll scare her out of her wits
With vipers right from the pits!
Then I will be quite clear
The true nightmare is...me!!

I was once the most mystical man of Harrogath
When the elders ignored me they made a mistake!
My curse made each of them pay
And spirit that brat girl away!
Little Anya, beware,
Old Nilly's awaaake!

(succubi choir)
In the dark of the cave evil will find her
In the dark of the cave where there is no dawn!
Aah...

Revenge will be sweet

Eight player curse just complete!

In the dark of the cave

She'll be lost!

I can feel that my urns are evilly urning!
Ready to unleash a cloud of claws and of tails!
As the fangs snap into place
I'll see her deed in that place!
Deeds unremembered, Rapunzel, Your Grace!
Farewell...

(succubi choir)
In the dark of the cave terror will strike her!

Terror's the least I can do!

(succubi choir)
In the dark of the cave vipers will brew
Ooh!

Soon she will feel that her nightmares are real

With the mouth of the snake

Chewing through!

In the dark of the cave
Evil will find her
Find her!
Ooh!
When she opens the urns terror comes through
Dooms her!

My dear, here's a sign

It's the end of the line!

(succubi choir)
In the mouth of the snake...
In the mouth of the snake...
In the mouth of the snake...

Come my minions,
Rise for your master,
Raise your tail and fang!
Find her now,
Slither ever faster

(succubi choir)
In the dark of the night...
In the dark of the night...
In the dark of the night...

She'll escape!?

Maltatai: Ha! She got away from your unworthy traps! Anya is safe and sound and still hasn't learned anything about healthy suspicion of slithering old codgers reeking of tomb viper stench. Her bow reward was not useful as usual but Rapunzel appreciates the thought. She has moved on to raid Pindleskin a bit, the ragged undead porter of Nihlathk. He dropped a Gul rune on the first visit! Interesting stuff but hard to make use of for Rapunzel. A later run however yielded nothing less than Tal Rashas mask! This will be excellent against bosses! Life and life stealing, resistance and mana stealing and also a mixed colour look that fits well with the hybrid theme of her. Lastly a cute amulet that might be useful but probably outcompeted by more resistances or hopefully skill levels or damage reduction.

But all the scary frightening has taken its toll and Rapunzel seems quite shaken. Perhaps there is something to the loud masses' suggestions?

Rapunzel: "breathes unsteadily" Soo close to falling to that horrible charge! And here I have been saving stat point after stat point waiting for some ultratasticliscious super gear to drop. No more! I will put all the rest in vitality and this spirit shroud will be my armour! The Red Armour, symbolizing one of the Amazon aspects that I am to embody.

Maltatai: You are of course aware that just because you now spend the socketing reward on that you will undoubtedly trigger the finding of a much mightier armour?

Rapunzel: Then the socialistic red shall welcome the colleagues into the great armoured collective of dresses and outfits. Here is the bright red jewel, exceedingly stylish and fitting in the red shoulder padded summer attire.

I have now decided on the third choice of skill to focus in. It shall be the Exploding Arrow. I want some warmth in this cold and I will burn the pit vipers to ash.

Maltatai: A prudent choice! Just as good as a poisonous javelin skill would have been. Would you like to inform your esteemed principals of this new development?

Rapunzel: That sounds reasonable. Where are they?

Maltatai: Apparently they went to their silly lair of time wasting and noisy recreational activities. Come to think of it, those attributes apply to a great deal of locations both on Sanctuary and in my own world. In any case, the bickering Amazons should be found in that karaoke bar with the complicated name.

Rapunzel: Let's head there.

Maltatai: Right.

Rapunzel and Chronicler Sidekick That Thinks He Runs The Show: "walks to Etdlach Memorial Bar"

Rapunzel: I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

Rödluvan: WHAT?

Rapunzel: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Snövit: PARDON?

Rapunzel: THIS IS USELESS. NOBODY HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING!

Maltatai: IT IS A KNOWN PHENOMENA. ALL BAR CLUBS SEEM TO HAVE THIS TOO LOUD MUSIC SO YOU CAN'T TALK.

Rapunzel: BUT I REALLY WANTED TO TELL THEM. MAYBE I CAN SING IT? IT IS KARAOKE NIGHT AFTER ALL. BESIDES, ACCORDING TO MY PREPARATORY RESEARCH OF SUCH MATTERS, THIS IS AN EXCELLENT SCENE, JUST LIKE WHEN A MOVIE HEROINE STAGGERS INTO A BAR AFTER AN UPSETTING ENCOUNTER WITH THE ENEMY, PERHAPS A RED-EYED IRON GOLEM, AND AN ARSONISTIC SOUNDTRACK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

Rapunzel: "grabs Telashs soon-to-be-patented electricity powered sound enhancing device"



No control,
Of where they will spawn, it is a pain
Not knowing where
Oh,
now they strike with tail and bare the fangs
The cave's a maze,
I feel the sweep of claws most dire,
Foul bone spears do they fire

You've got me quakin'
I'm almost breakin'
You've had me run, retreat and rout and flee

My sense alerting
The wound is hurting
You got me charging, ramming into me

Hypnotized,
I see the flicker gleaming in the viper eyes.
It captures me.
Oh,
I take it that you'll never let me go,
I'm your prisoner.
In this cold cave that you desire,
I will unleash the fire

I'll have you burnin'!
I'll have you burnin'!
I've passed my exam for the flame degree!

I've got you burnin'!
I've got you burnin'!
I tread through ashes raining over me

Can't stop my body's aching,
here's too cold, there's no mistaking,
I need redness, drinks and passion,
Warming up me too

You've got me thawing'
No vipers clawing
At any arbiter inside with thee

You've got me burnin' (Yearning for you)
You've got me burnin' (Burnin' for you)
You've got me burnin' in the third degree



Maltatai: Who would have guessed? Lively indeed. It shall be interesting to see if any of the audience really grasped the significance of the songs message.

Maltatai: Last but not least: the epic antagonist has been sighted again!

Diary of Puke Wolf

30 June
I can not believe how long it takes to receive new assignments these days! The management is surely slacking and squandering the most valuable assets - meaning of course I - by not fixing the administration in time. Now I am back at least. I am a cunningly fire enchanted bone mage in the Frozen River, able to burn the mana of my victims. I have been told that that stupid little blonde bimbo from the jungle now has focused on fire damage - she will be baffled! Then I will steal her mana so she can't do anything else.

This place is a bit cold. It chills me to the, hrm, bone, since I am a skeleton and not even my fire enchantment seem to suffice. I hope Baal can do his business up here soon so we can relocate to somewhere warmer. Perhaps the Amazon isles?

10 July
Dammit! Why can't the lowlife high life meleers here tank properly? We were left completely uncovered by the ghosts and whatever stuff nests here. The bimbo had that glowing companion again that blocked the view and she shot magical arrows instead of fire attacks. I feel so disappointed! We should have teamed up in the cave here with my mages providing support for

Maltatai: That is all for the time being. What nefarious vengeance will Puke Wolf come up with next? Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

@pharphis :

Yo, this is still going?

T72on1:

Awesome write-up, as usual. I especially liked the inclusion of some songs .
O yes, and congrats on the WWS. Lovely bow that !!!

Maltatai:

@pharphis
Or rather going again after a long break.

@T72on1
Always appreciated. Yes, that bow was almost ideal . Despite the lack of slowing it is filled with other useful things and since it's blue and fire magic Arrows it can represent Snövit like the armor represents Rödluvan. More on that later.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 30. Merc'less Conqueror

Spoiler

Maltatai: The ice caves! Free of vipers now that they have all conveniently died. All that remain are some odd gem shrines and gems to accentuate the absence of important runes that could have been acquired from Mephistos stone.

The urns drop meek bone mages who are bereft of the inspired leadership of the mighty recurring antagonist. In the lower places of the glacial trail however lurk ghosts and the damned. As we all see...or at least imagine us seeing...there was tough fighting to the last scratched nail.

Finally catching some sun again Rapunzel ran into yet more of the tailed fowl that curse enemies from over the lakes. Now they were unfortunately less optimally positioned and could be hurt by the cold explosion from the outside of the wall. A pair of slightly relevant gloves were found but more astoundingly, the Stone of Jordan! The most characteristic item of Diablo II of them all! Also quite good for someone relying on many skills to deal damage as Rapunzel does. This she should certainly keep and use!

After the cold windy tundra one can use a little vacation in the interesting lower quarters of Kurast, or why not the catacombs or Chaos Sanctuary? Rattlecage is an interesting item! Purple like the purple of chromatic things like Rapunzels spectral theme. Also, scaring monsters is nothing to be sneezed at for an archer. And crushing blow is good for the fast jabs of a javelin. It was with reluctance that Rapunzel discarded it, as was the case with Whitstans blocking dessert plate. Both are good in their way but leave too much out which a character with her strengths spread out and stretched thin like Rapunzel can not afford. Much more relevant was on the other hand a socketed armor that as just a slightly higher suffix away from magnificent. That would be of great use against the dreaded tomb vipers!

Continuously plundering well known places can lead to the discovery of fanciful glowing belts that are great for a ranged combatant, and epic daggers!

Rapunzel: Oh, no! I have detailed files of your unsound propagation for the Spineripper. As has been concluded by my precursors, it is not a feasible strategy to routinely approach enemies at such close distance, despite its alluring attributes.

Maltatai: Hmpf! It clearly takes a sorceress to fully appreciate the exquisiteness of this blade. Perhaps the discovery of the two mighty staves would even attract one. Especially the ethereal one was a cool thing in the chroniclers opinion. It just lacked faster cast rate, really.

The Ancients Way did thankfully not hold any vipers but just clumsy fur heaps and ice cubes, and puny spike fiends. They did not suffice to repel the invaders.

It was quite the relief to be able to trigger evil urns without having to prepare for a charge attack. Still one should always exercise proper caution and be ready to sprint. Even less dangerous foes can be the end if they spawn around you and are extra fast and strong.

More of the same variety existed in the Icy Cellar, where the terrain is useful since you can stand on one side of the ricers and shoot...

Telash: We all know that, along with the rest of the world! Get on with it!

Maltatai: Since you so knowledgeable people already know everything it will of course come as no surprise to you that the waters benefit sirens as well, and that guided arrow and strafe are excellent skills for locating them from off screen.

The ancients were looming closer. Eight player giants with tons of life and nasty equipment spawns. Would Cleglaws gloves be enough to separate them?

And Rapunzel ran, and shot guided arrows, and slowed, and taunted, and crippled the jerks like Snövit did!

Bwahahahaha! Outclassed ye are, lardbrains!

And Rapunzel, why did you not wear a proper helmet?!

Rapunzel: They needed a handicap...

Maltatai: But you did not need to be locked into hit recovery or have the game crash from cloaking by a misclick! Henceforth, crush the opposition in the most overwhelming way possible!

This use of a bridge is a much more commendable commencing of hostilities.

Rapunzel: Commencing of hostilities can be commendable nowadays?

Maltatai: Point conceded. The underling demons are presumably not altogether to blame and acting under compulsion. Ancients surely must be fair game, though?

Rapunzel: Naturally! It is astonishing the question need even be raised.

Maltatai: Here is Rapunzel approaching the end of the Throne of Destruction, not that you can see it but since I just told you so you can picture it in your mind with a red Amazon in the middle with a purple bone shield and javelin. Here was found a serpents charm of balance (mana and hit recovery) which looks to be quite relevant. Puny soul killers and zealots plague the upper levels. Another interesting charm was a snowy one of thunder. Winter is coming...

Lower in the keep lurked Blood Bosses and Hell Temptresses. I am sure all can imagine the latter fluttering around the overworked managers filling the air with irrelevant comments and overall creating mischief and wreaking havoc among the demonic timetables and report templates. As we all know, the overseers are very unimaginative and boring spirits, that require their input and submitted information in a rigid and clumsily inefficient report form, requiring tremendous amounts of extra works and wasted time of the succubi, who have most understandably turned from chief administration to mischief.

Beyond the red ruins lay acoustic horrors unimaginable.

This being nightmare, when Baal clones himself, which he just did, the clone can be said to be his nightmarish offspring. Thus, brace yerselves, all ye loyal followers of everything with good taste in the world!



Baal Clone: Marius, give me the stone and all is forgiven. Give it to me, Marius.

Give it to me Marius. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Give it to me Marius. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Give it to me Marius. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
And all succubi say she's pretty fly
For a demon guy.
Uno, dos, tres, the rest is stolen by de Seis

You know it's kind of hard
Just to get along today
Her story isn't cool,
But she fakes it anyway
She may not have a clue
And she may not have style
And every skill she lacks
She will make up with denial

There's no debate, on /players8
We all know she'd really never make it anyway
She's in my playing field, now it's for real
For you no way, for you no way
With such a lousy fake, just overcompensate
We all know she'll end up thrown into a burning lake
Ammy's are just wannabe's
So (Hey! Hey!) do your paltry thing

Come out little ammy. Come out, come out
Come out little ammy. Come out, come out
Come out little ammy. Come out, come out
She's really puny like a fly
Or that angel guy

She needs some cool sticks
Not just any will suffice.
But without the rune word mod
They contain vanilla lice
Unmodded, that means bugged, known by any but that lass
Just watch Medieval II
Where modded dwarves will kick your ass

Not even second rate, I'll set her straight
You know she really doesn't get it anyway
No matter what she wield, soon she will yield
To me all day, to me all day
So very low we rate, all Amazons of date
At least you know they will end up eaten by a snake
They're all just wannabe's
So (Hey! Hey!) do that brand new thing

Now he's getting out his book
Yeah he's gettin' ink done
He captures many screens, but they all look pretty dumb
It's plain he's trying too hard
And he's not at all hip
Just thinks these misadventures
Are the dopest trip.

Time to give up, maybe? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Time to give up, maybe? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Time to give up, maybe? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
I will mash you to a mess, like the minions of de Seis

There's no debate, on /players8
You better get your sorry self out of my way
And what a stupid shield, those bones I peel
Off her when laid, off her when laid
To rest before they ate, her warm corpse before late
As said, she would always end up eaten by a snake
The Ammy's are wannabe's.
Oh the world greatest wannabe's
So let's get that little wannabe
And - Hey! Hey! Stop that poking thing!

Maltatai: Hehehehe... All! Hail! Conqueror! Rapunzel! Most merc'less of them all! Baal did shamefully not drop any notable loot despite Rapunzel dressing up in golden plate and helmet. Just Sanders boots, which have their uses but are no match for Rapunzels lovely red rares.

Now there was just the matter of the reptilian ambush instigator... Would there be vipers defending his lair, or had they all been spent trying to jump Rapunzel in the Crystalline Passage?

The initial halls have tomb creepers rather than tomb vipers, which is half bad but only in a half full glass way, since they pose little danger. Accompanying them are flayers among other things. Flayers - free leaching for the combat character in a hurry. Order now and get free fries and salad dressing and gather 10 Endugu points per meal to keep gathering your bonus to use the 35:th every month.

Hrm, yes, right, damn! An urn. May your amour hold fast, should vipers spawn.

Yes! No vipers! I'm sure we could all hug the gentle Hell Temptresses for appearing instead of icky snakes. Actually, they are quite cute so everyone probably wants to hug them anyway, if only to be able to yank them by their tails. Down here was an emerald small charm of fortune. Sort of sums it up, as Rapunzel has been fortunate to escape poison looking (but in truth mostly physical) damage from the absent tomb vipers.

Further ahead lay Ginthers Rift. Many like rifts but not Ginthers one. Talk about discrimination...

And an iron small charm of balance! Good thing for hard fights with hard hitting enemies. Mosers blessed circle was also a very nice discovery. It is a close tie between it and the bone shield but the bone shield wins by being more characteristic and if socketed by Larzuk it can become more powerful than Mosers excellent round mini-table.

Enough of these materialistic deviations! Nihlatahk awaits! Conquest! Vengeance! Retribution! Tyrael-free justice!

With freezing arrows Rapunzel clears a path, slowly and steadily, good work. With the valkyrie drawing the attention of new summoned demons Rapunzel can advance and shoot point blank magic and guided arrows right into the slimy Nilly! Take that for nearly killing my arbiter! Next time she shall have far too much life to be such an easy prey. Conveniently aided by this charm.

Now having gained much experience, insights and a fancy title Rapunzel will surely report valuable conclusions to the rest of the Amazons. Will she shed light onto peculiar natural phenomena, or maybe thorough comparisons of bestiaries? An expectant crowd has gathered, hoping to hear the wise and relevant musings about the most pressing concerns of our time. Well, relatively speaking all is from a certain point of view a matter of perspective...



Rapunzel: I have gathered data that actually disproves the theory that crush beasts have anything at all to do with the ground shaking.

Ip: That thing is a common misconception. As all us native northlanders know, together with those of the amazons that have a healthy and hot interest in nature, it is of course the rabbit that cause the ground to shake when they stamp it with their feet. I mean, it's so obvious when you know it so you can hardly believe how some people can be so thick.

Askungen: Duuuh!

Maltatai: ...

Askungen: I thought that should be added...ehm....hm...let's move to the next subject...chapter...episode...

Maltatai: As your imperial greenery would have it. Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

@Noodle :

Really enjoying the saga - thank you for keeping it going.

T72on1:

Awesome . And congrats on the SoJ, quite the find there !!!

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 31. Sentimentality

Spoiler

Maltatai: It will soon be time to enter Hell. But not just yet. First, it is of course most imperative for any arbiter wishing to base her evaluation on complete data and full facts to experience the mandatory frantic accumulation of wealth and greedy hoarding of precious objects that signifies the end of the build up phase of a characters career.

Rapunzel: It is now the proper time to recapitulate the remaining gaps and needs in the equipment in my opinion. Repetition is key to maintain focus on the fulfilment of the goal.

Maltatai: Very well. Rapunzel requires the following key components:

Resistances - acquired, at least partially.

Physical and magical damage reduction - missing.

Blocking - acquired.

Can Not Be Frozen - acquired.

Life - missing. Just joking, but it is rather low. Preferably over 1000 life would make me feel better.

Mana - acquired. With the Stone of Jordan and charms it is a solid amount.

Knockback - acquired.

Slowing - partially acquired. 50 % should be a good minimum amount since it is the cap for bosses.

Faster Run/Walk - acquired to a substantial part.

Triple elemental damage - acquired, with a good margin!

High damage and leeching - partially acquired.

Prevent Monster Heal - acquired.

Rapunzel: These are a lot of things. Furthermore, sections may be broken down into subsections where an illuminating case study may be the resistances which has to be spread over the different elements rather than focused in only one.

Maltatai: Not to mention the role of attack speed and attack rating as a subset of damage, hit recovery and its relation to running speed and attack speed when it comes to overall effect for the safety, blocking speed, relation between elemental auto-hit attacks and those requiring actual hitting. And the dodge and avoid skills and skill levels overall...

Rapunzel: Overload of calculations and information processing imminent. Requesting reassignment to catacombs to begin raiding as a diversionary activity.

Maltatai: Yes, do that, catacombs are fitting places to rest I hear, even for a very long time...

"Time passes in which Rapunzel makes many, many raids among the catacombs and Maltatai does irresponsible aimless things of some sort as usual"

Maltatai: Let us continue the episode in classic RPG dialogue style, to keep in touch with the modern viewers of today's audience.

Rapunzel: ...

Unleashing fuel-powered explosive ordinance seems impractical in order to further communications.

Maltatai: RPG as in Role Playing Game, not as in heavy weaponry that people like Rödluvan should not be entrusted with. Now we continue in said manner.

Rapunzel: Understood. Commencing classical RPG style dialogue. Hr-hm!

Maltatai: Do you have a moment to talk?

Rapunzel: Certainly. Finished evaluating catacombs. Much to loot. Had to analyze various artifacts. "Inhales" Have narrowed down most interesting candidates for use as personal equipment.

Maltatai: What can you tell me about the opposition encountered at the place?

Rapunzel: Invading demons. Gated, not native to this world. Primitive shamanistic society. Energetic, yet weak in resolve. Larger afflicted and tainted demons. Lightning projectiles. Undead. Rogues and ancient buried risen to serve demonic masters now. Pitiful.

Maltatai: What makes the undead so special?

Rapunzel: Demons, coerced, but retains will of their own. Fighting with heart and soul. Undead retain it not. No will of their own, replaced by necromancy. No spirit, replaced by necromancy. No culture, replaced by necromancy. No soul, replaced by necromancy...

Maltatai: I didn't know you cared about culture to such an extent.

Rapunzel: Mind must be exposed to new experiences. Helps to keep it sharp. Find art and architecture of Sanctuary intriguing. So many different styles. Did explore minor opportunities to partake in Amazonian cultural rituals. Social gathering. Sang a little.

Maltatai: Sorry, I know this is important, but... You sang?

Rapunzel: Amazonian karaoke. Temporary occupation. Tended to focus on easily conveyed popular music. Drinking and patter songs.

I've fired arrows magical and hot like hell and cold like rain, I am the very model of the spectral Amazonian dame

I'm quite good at electrics as a subset of the lightning tree, because I am a javazon which is quite a tautology

MYYY ELEMENTAL STUDIES RANGE FROM LIGHTNING TO A FROZEN FLAME, I AM THE VERY MODEL OF THE SPECTRAL AMAZONIAN DAAAME

"cough"

Rapunzel: This is the loot from the disturbance at Waukeens Promenade.

Maltatai: "raises eyebrow" Is that what we call it these days?

Very well... What is known?

Rapunzel: Naught but their names. The head is Trang Ouls Wing. The war club is Bloodtree Stump.

Floria: I didn't do anything, he did it all, I had...

Telash: Silence, rogue, allow the fool to make his judgement.

Maltatai: Why was this man not gagged (a question I have often asked myself)? Did he not sway four of you (to his silly unionizing?

Ip: We dared not approach.

Waheed: Uh, regardless, in the end he came willingly.

Rapunzel: What should be done with the loot, sir?

Maltatai: It is for deviants, let it rot in Ormus' mouldy cupboards. And send the unstable delinquent Telash to Spellhold just in case and for the heck of it...

Rapunzel: I have heard of a very...red...custom about charms that is apparently practised by what i believe must be melee necromancers. At least they should be that, being white haired fellows wielding greatswords and wearing black and white lighter armour. Apparently knowing their way around curses and hexes and alchemy and witching in general... In any case, these fellows that travel a lot and meet many new interesting people were apparently known to keep tiny card-like pictures with them of those they did get to know best and kept those cards as a kind of lucky charm.

Maltatai: The red part being...?

Rapunzel: The nature of the pictures. Hrm. Apparently those of sorceresses tended to be rather...expressive...or so it is said at least. Useful to have and look at on a dreary rainy day in Kurast I suppose.

Floria: Hey, freelancer.

Rapunzel: Hi.

Floria: This is your first time here?

Rapunzel: Uhu.

Floria: Well I work with the Tamoe Rogues. We run this place. Before I continue speaking to you, let me check your 'rep. Looks like you're OK.

Rapunzel: Something interesting going on?

Floria: Well, if you're interested, I have heard a rumor. I'll pass it on to you in postcard form instead of saying it. Here you go.

Rapunzel: Right...that is very logical. So, the rumor is that Lower Kurast is nice this part of the year? That makes little sense, since the weather there is constant rain all the year around.

Maltatai: Freelancer Alpha One dash One (I can't imagine how early you had go get your place in the queue to acquire that designation...) this is the Kurast State, and Space, Police. I'm scanning your cargo stash for contraband. You're clean. But that is a nice haul, you must have ransacked half the legendary wrecks of all Sirius.

Rapunzel: This is very interesting. The heavy damage reduction from the armor and helm is an alternative of significant importance.

Maltatai: Also a black medium armor with golden shoulder plates is quite good for someone who should be the mix of all styles. Nice with a little extra life too. Still, will it compensate for being frozen?

Rapunzel: With my lack of other melee-centric equipment and skills and minions to deal damage while I stand frozen and absorbs damage, I think it will not. Should I locate another viable source it might tip the balance in favor of the Shaftstop. Especially since the charm helps to compensate for the greater weight of heavier armor.

Maltatai: Oh, missed out the RPG style for a moment!

Rapunzel: In fact, one could note that the bow is indeed RPG but in the way that was to be avoided, as it fires explosive arrows. I will also keep it. There may be a situation where maximized firepower is necessary. Hm, recommencing RPG dialogue.

Maltatai: There seems to be something written about this spear.

Rapunzel: I would imagine so. It is Törnrosas signature weapon.

Maltatai: But...the author is Rödluvan. That makes less sense...

Rapunzel: Give it here. "Her plates skrieked against each other like two wild iron golems corralled against their will..." "She pounced - the smooth moves of a jungle cat just like the bowazon moves as a mountain cat - and locked her gaze on the chains binding Tyraels waist. He..."

Maltatai: What is this?

Rapunzel: It seems that Rödluvan has decided to celebrate her newfound friends - or at least new people to annoy - with written dedications. But there is distinct evidence of Snövits involvement or at least influence too. Apparently one is supposed to be able to buy an entire series of stories depicting every character..."Rödluvans Friend Fiction - Written Out of Love"...

Maltatai: The writing profession will never, ever be clean again....so which book in the series is this, then?

Rapunzel: "Lycanders Spear", hm... "Törnrosa knelt before none, but she hadn't counted on the archangel Tyrael" "Can the warrior-prophetess penetrate the tight-knit restraints of demonic angel-suppression? Will she be prepared to face the full blast of his...light?" Wait a minute...this is a vulgar thing!

Maltatai: How could it be otherwise with that author? Will you borrow it?

Rapunzel: No!

Maltatai: You sure? In that case both we and the book has more pictures to continue with.

Maltatai: Ladies, Amazons and gentlemen! Most honourable citizens of the hallowed Single Player Forum! Welcome! We have for you an exquisite comedy... It's title: The Deeders Salvation... The players: Arbiter Rapunzel as herself, Floria as the queen, Telash as the "umble servant" (a mute role). Appearing as the prince, the delight of root gardeners far and wide, Ip. And as the princessly garb with the voice of not quite a nightingale, the tigulated Crow Caw of the former troubaritz-that-lost-her-voice Priscilla!

Majesty! The monster slayer awaits. Your summons she's answered, and stands at the gates!

Rapunzel: Show me in. I must steal from the man. Or whatever Sankekur is nowadays...

But first, by chance, something to guard and steady my hand.

Floria: So now we may finally make appearance in this episode? "Ahem" Arbiter! Your task is a matter most tender. A viper shall show at tonight's feastly splendor.

Stand guard, beware, kill the viper if he shows... Your reward you'll receive on my finest pillows (I think not, those are my pillows and I have hidden them in MY corner of the Arcane Sanctuary).

Rapunzel: I kill monsters for your pleasure...and no reptile is my measure.

Telash: She's swallowed the bait, this fool of an arbiter! I'll ensure the foul beau reveals her true figure. The monster revealed, the arbiter shall strike, the beast she will slay, thrust it's head on a pike!

Floria: Aaah, my child will fit in her garb, Rockfleece. Though with that scepter, he'll resist lightning at least.

Telash: Gathered are we, a host infamous and reckless, to celebrate this day the arbiters useful, if corrupt, new necklace.

Rapunzel: Alas, no viper do I see or hear...maybe it hid in an urn...or a barrel of beer.

"Applauds"

Maltatai: From where did those come...



"Much time passes again as Rapunzel grinds through Mephisto's storage areas and Andariels lockers"



Rapunzel: Bloody frozen Raven Frost Illusive ring!

"Holographic image of Raven Frost appears"

Rapunzel: Really?

Maltatai: Just...play along. Assume that the ring Raven Frost can really, really speak and send conjured illusions out to harass and annoy people.

Rapunzel: Right...

Raven Frost: Arbiter Rapunzel.

Rapunzel: Illusive ring. I thought we'd be meeting face to face.

Raven Frost: A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know.

Rapunzel: You might one day be the reason I'm still alive but that doesn't mean I trust you.

Raven Frost: You need to put your personal feelings aside. Humanity is up against the greatest threat of its brief existence.

Rapunzel: The vipers.

Raven Frost: Good to see your memory's still intact. How are you feeling?

Rapunzel: Cut to the chase, so that i can resume the chase after you. What are the vipers doing that made you decide trying to bring me back to normal?

Raven Frost: We're at war. Nobody wants to admit it but the good old uniques are under attack. While ignorants like Maltatai have been sleeping, entire gear combinations have been disappearing. Unique gear. We believe it's someone working for the vipers. Just as Telash and his union aided in the distraction of the chronicling and its main heroine. You've seen them yourself. You bested all of them in nightmare. That's just one reason I choose you.

Rapunzel: If what you say is tru, if the vipers are behind this...I'd consider finding you.

Raven Frost: I'd be disappointed if you accepted any of this without seeing for yourself. I have a menu screen ready to take you to back to normal Baal, the highest odds Act Boss from which to abduct me. Floria and Waheed will brief you.

Rapunzel: Floria killed various eardrums in cold blood...well, seriously hurt them at least...and Waheed is just a slacker for hire. You expect me to trust them?

Raven Frost: Floria did exactly as I expected of her. And she paved the way your existence in more ways than one. Waheed's a town guard, one of the best (not that that tells you much, I know). He's never fully followed orders, but he's always been obvious about it. You'll be just fine without them...for now.

Rapunzel: Is this a volunteer job or am I being volunteered?

Raven Frost: You always have a choice, you shephard without hireling sheep to watch out for. I f you don't find the object you are looking for we will never need to part ways for we will not have crossed paths. But first, go back to normal. Find any clues you can. Who's best for abducting loot from? Do they have any connection to the vipers? I'll bring you back to this difficulty level. It's up to you to do the rest.

"Much time passes again"

Maltatai: Rapunzel? What are you doing here?

Rapunzel: Uuuh... Escaping. Ever since I decided to return to normal, it's been nothing but work. My head! More ice!

Maltatai: Other Amazons been bothering you?

Rapunzel: Bah! Not those sparklers and spinach-slingers. No, its the...it's the items. Now that everything seems set up close to finding the right stuff again, but no. Ugh, I haven't had any progress in...I don't know how long. Two close fails, and a belt the color of ice.

Maltatai: I would've thought you'd be enjoying the...perks of easy boss looting.

Rapunzel: Enjoying it? There's a line of junk outside my dwelling right now. Stretches on for as far as you can see. I have to climb in and out through my own bathroom window. Even then, I bumped into two more piles of this normal garbage on the walk here... I'm telling you, Maltatai, I have no space left to make comparative evaluations right now.

Maltatai: Considering everything Amazons go through, I can think of worse things to be occupied with.

Rapunzel: Trust me, I've been occupied with every thing the last few days... And I thought nightmare loot alone was bulky. Ah, well... I have almost gone through it. Still going through it...

Maltatai: I would drink to going through it but I recommend your potions are saved for later and suppose you will need a clear head when sorting it all, hehehe...

Rapunzel: Then to hell! And victory or death, roughly.

Maltatai: Ah, but you can't deed, Rapunzel. You've got all this loot to sort first. A really...big...pile...

Rapunzel: Wraaah... More ice!

Maltatai: The String of Ears belt is pretty good though. Do you think it can rival Mavinas?

Rapunzel: Definitely against Duriel, where I would consider it more dangerous to be chased than to stand my ground. Possibly against Baal too, where you want to keep him close and distracted to prevent the cloning and appendages to disturb you. Stairs are other situations where the protection ay be better than the mobility. But against ancients and Diablo speed is better I think.

Maltatai: Does speed make it into your list of approved defensive measures?

Rapunel: It is not my approved list of defensive measures, it is "The 150 principle". It is a groundbreaking work in military one-person-army theory, particularly since there are no other ones.

Maltatai: I see. Please enlighten us.

Rapunzel: Assuming that one possesses at least 1000 life and maximized resistances, sufficient protection is achieved if the added defensive factors total value is 150. Those factors are things like decreased enemy damage, blocking (where percentage units convert into integer units), dodging/avoiding, physical/magical damage reduction and so on. Any combination is possible. Perhaps 50 % blocking along with 50 % dodging and 50 PDR. Or 75 % blocking, 50 % dodging and 25 % damage reduction. Or any other disposition.

Maltatai: Reduced enemy damage seems somewhat more powerful than the other factors.

Rapunzel: However with the weakness that it requires cursing and thereby an actionof your own. A slow action for Amazons given the casting animation. And it is still only partial reduction as opposed to PDR against multiple sources of low damage.

Maltatai: Fair points. How do you stand now with regard to this principle?

Rapunzel: I can scrape together 75 % blocking, about 30 % damage reduction and about 30 % dodging and a little MDR, so I'm barely holding up. But I don't have maxed resistances for Hell and don't have 1000 life. Perhaps slowing enemies should factor in too...Cleglaws gloves add 25 % there.

Maltatai: Will you keep raiding bosses until you find all that? I suppose charms and a better shield are important sources of life and resistances, and of course the troublesome Raven Frost to let you use a more defensible armor?

Rapunzel: I'm practically spent. "Sigh" So many runs... I can safely say that I have investigated the nightmare magic finding part of an Amazons career thoroughly, at least. If I continue I fear I will literally deed of boredom because I will get sloppy and make mistakes.

Maltatai: An understandable reluctance. What will you use for equipment now, then?

Rapunzel: I will keep my red armor. And the peaceful light plate for summoning. But I have grown fond of my Spirit Shroud and it shall represent the red of Rödluvan. The bow is blue and fires magical white arrows so it stands for Snövit, despite casting flame-like curses. As for headgear, the Vampire gaze shall be the green avatar. I have a green jewel as well which I shall put in it after Larzuk has done his job. As for Törnrosa, I think the steel javelin suits her somewhat but the best would perhap be id I could find a great tower shield, as they are quite golden in their natural color.

Maltatai: That does in fact sound much cooler than just striving to have the very best of everything. The thought springs to mind that the runeword "Sanctuary" in a tower shield will take care of your resistance issues, and Törnrosa would probably approve of the idea of being seen as the shield and bulwark of all of Sanctuary, behind which all smallfolk subjects are safe from both enemies and having to make decisions too hard for their little heads, and so on. Will you keep the peaceful light plate?

Rapunzel: Yes, that is an object of legendary and unrefuted usefulness and characteristics. As well as Cleglaws pincers. The latter may, but only may, be bested by some crafted gloves with knockback, attack speed, skills and weaken charges or so but I have yet to see the gauntlet that has amassed such a number of powers.

Maltatai: Rapunzel... Is that...

Rapunzel: !!!

Rapunzel: I am completely fully equipped. And there is also this late addition to it all that I haven't yet shared with anyone. I happened to acquire one really amusing object for certain outdoor situations...such as when hunting geriatrics on a mountain top...

Maltatai: Bwahahahahaa! Superb! Along with the gloves and your faster running even an extra fast ancient will be hard pressed to keep up.

Rapunzel: But, since I am a thorough and serious investigator I will of course not be content with mere assumptions. I have already faced the ancients on 8 player settings. Now I must naturally face them on all the other 7 kinds of settings...and slay them all most savagely while they stumble after me in their pathetic attempts to keep up with me...



You're just a statue now
All three parked alone
On a summit high
You're deeply old
But you're direr in the straits
You think you're doing alright

Did you see that horn
Do you know that face
Or was it just a dream
This can't be real
That never happens, babe
On the cutscene screen

Oh, but she's back
She's the gal behind the mask
And she's out of control
She's back
The gal behind the mask
And she crawled out of that hole

You're chasing off that girl
Knowing what's at stake
And the wind blows cold
It chills your bones
And your spirits will take
Arrows 'til they break

Of yourselves you're full
And you had a chance
To stop Baal alone
But he's not alone
On an old relic glance
You won't impede his advance

No, she falls back
She's the gal behind the mask
And she's out your reach
She's back
The gal behind the mask
She'll adapt to every role

Oh, if you see her coming
Get away if you can
Just keep on running
Not as fast as you can
She obeys me, the chronicling man
And she's out tonight
And she's watching you
And she knows your house

No, don't turn out the lights (cloaking causes crashes on the summit)

Yeah, cuz she's back
She's the gal behind the mask
And her arrows will slow
She's back
The gal behind the mask
And she's after your soul
She's back
She's the gal behind the mask...
And she'll breakfast on you whole


Maltatai: Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

T72on1:

Priceless !!! Unbelievable how you keep coming up with this. You really have a lot of talent and humor. Can't wait for the next episode.

O yes, also congrats on the finds. Certainly the Vampire Gaze, not easy to find that one.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 32 ½. Poison Javelin

Spoiler

Rapunzel: It works, it works, it works, it works, IT WORKS! IT IS FANTASTIC! Envenomed poison javelins is THE skill in this game! And I can actually HIT things with both that and the normal attack magic arrow. How unexpected isn't that!?

Maltatai: Slow down! Establish context. Oh, look, by the way, half episodes exist here too...

Rapunzel: Establishing context... I am in HELL! And hell is freezing over, burning up, perforated and corroding! Charged up by my new breast plate I danced through the Den, untouchable and out of range. My magic arrows are a hailstorm and my speartip is spinach!

Also, Corpsefire knows how to welcome a girl into the realm.

With supreme mobility comes the opportunity of further outclassing all opposition. Almost did I manage to avoid every swing and sling in the moors. And then, at the gates to the Cold Plains, there came running a fervent, eager corrupted rogue right into my arrows. Slowed she was, and struck by a green tip. A venoms strength, a poisons time...

Maltatai: Very well, here goes the explanation...sit down, quiet please! Class in session.

Venom and poison skills: As we have covered earlier venom deals a huge amount of poison damage over the very short time it is applied. Venom in other words has a high damage per frame (1/25 of a second) or second or any other time unit that you find suitable, and a short duration. Venom also only applies when an enemy is hit by your weapon, as opposed to poison clouds, rabies infections and poison nova. Poison damage from items are added to the venom damage but the poison duration is shortened to that of venom as well, thus severely limiting their effectiveness. Poison skills are however not affected by the same shortening of duration. When those, namely poison javelin, plague javelin and poison dagger, are used and the enemy is HIT BY THE WEAPONS TIP, the damage per second of venom is applied for as long as the poison duration of the skill. In this case, the low damage but long duration of poison javelin is coupled with the high damage of venom. If an enemy is just hit by the trailing cloud, the regeneration stops but little more. If the same enemy is hit by the javelin itself, the health plummets. In this way, even a low level poison javelin can become devastating and easily one-shot some of the enemies.

Unexpectedly proving to be a desirable main armor in the early stages of the game, Treachery was complemented by Peace for summoning plated mead heads and The Spirit Shroud when undertaking underground bird watching.

Being an experienced judge and arbiter, Rapunzel was sure to fire some sort of lawsuit as well as numerous magic arrows against the hairy pretender and usurper. The intermingled boss packs made a worthy effort but dual immunities were unfortunately four too few.

Sometimes the artillery barrage can be somewhat detrimental for the story's suspense and drama.

In this so far outclassing, or more correctly outclassed, environment the few setbacks were disproportionately noted. Actually counting hits in Diablo II, is that arrogant or what?

Caves are always harder to operate in, especially when the enemy is unfreezeable and faster than the lazy gargantuans.

The second level held the first truly difficult adversary. Neither possible to slow or to whittle down with poisonous hit and run tactics, the skeleton captains curse and heavy enchantment overpowered the valkyrie. It was a slow struggle without using potions but at last pride and hubris prevailed.

Yes, those purple things there serve a kind of practical purpose too, if my arbitrary lady would remember?

Misshappen and their cousins always manage to be as annoying as they are ugly. That is a lot, if someone was wondering.

The age of enlightenment returned as the passage through the passage was found.

The Dark Wood held many impractical trees under which skeleton archers and spike fiends lurked, ready to tarnish the overgrown pride of prismatic and pompous queens of the battlefield and mistresses of skirmishing.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 32 other ½. Poison Javelin

Spoiler

Look! You don't see this very often in Tristram! Clearly that commander had studied the adversary well.

Deckard Cains honorary guard. In which direction is that arrow really flying, by the way?

Griswold seemed to have gone heavily for a possible one hit kill. He was actually rather frightening. You could be just a misclick away from death.

The last enemy to fall was the very cunning Pulse Wolf that had read a lot of camper counter strike tactical manuals and teleported out of his burning house to attack and then retreat back inside. It was actually rather interesting.

Yes, very good. One pyromaniac in the family is enough.

Not a moment too soon. And for those who wonder wherein the danger lies, it is in the fact that to avoid dangerous hits, it is sometimes best to remain in place or to move somewhere even at the cost of a grazing hit. A concrete and practical example can be an archer that sprints away to dodge quills, and therefore monouevres closer to a pack of skeleton archers instead, or into unexplored territory without scouting first.

Ghosts were many times harder to deal with without consuming mana potions. Add a multi-damage enchantment that destroys valkyries and the battle will be long.

While it is a blessing to avoid stairtrap situations the lack of attention and contemptuous negligence can insult even the most balanced heroine.

Another enemy that did her best to resist.

Rapunzel: I am Rapunzel. Your life will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Maltatai. If only that could have been a pavise...

Deepest down the Countess had rallied a formidable guard, under command of a truly terrifying captain...

A trio of goatees had guarded the relic of versatility that more than any other weapon belonged with the countess, or more correctly her loot.

This time it was not stellar. An unsatisfying Tal and Eth. But Rapunzel has proved that she can handle herself in the tower and even take down ghosts, albeit slowly because of her stubborn sobriety. Perhaps she will stay there to level up - a very important thing in itself to help the magic arrows and poison javelins hit better - and hope to discover some useful rune "cough" Pul "cough". Stay tuned for more thrilling escapades where I try to capture every exciting moment and then forget the details right in time for when I am actually writing the episode down. Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 33. Rune Rain Run Ruin Reign

Spoiler

Maltatai: Having completed the countess quest, Rapunzel has been faced with the choice between continuing to new and unknown exciting hunting grounds and missions, or remain and repeat the same grinding, tiresome raiding run time and time again.

What will a true Diablo II character choose when faced with such alternatives?



Easily answered!

Especially the last level was a very lucky roll! If I was one of those that save map seeds and other digital gardening stuff I would definitely keep this exquisite fifth floor!

The difference between the armors shows. Treachery is bad against strong ghosts that resist the poison but Peace with immolation and exploding arrows, better hit rate and decoy is notably better. It is quite nice to see Peace shine as a primary armor in certain situations and not only being a precast item. Against stubborn people like this thing, every skill level is welcome to break through that high resistance.

Rapunzel: I have also started using the lightning bolt skill. It is a very underused and overlooked ability, but it is really a one point wonder like the Barbarians berserk. While more enemies are immune to lightning, you don't have to get close and be exposed to danger and mana draining from the unleechable physically immune enemies. Lightning Bolts conversion of damage allows me to take advantage on the solid damage of the Titans Revenge, and if there ever was a javelin that belong together with that skill it is surely this. Lightning bolt is quite economical and excellent for destroying small numbers of ghosts. I am very pleased to be able to add another skill to my choice of attacks, and it looks great too when you hurl lightning bolts.

Maltatai: Look here! It is the ghost of Storm Blister, the scary archer captain from the last episode that had risen again to resume her watch over the fifth level of the tower! This time she ate the valkyrie but was still kept at bay by the arrows and decoys.

Rapunzel: It is almost too tricky to save valkyrie in all situations, and it can easily become too much of a distraction from the battle as a whole, just like attempting to doge every single hit can. I should learn to rely on only decoys more and retreat to town less in those situations. I can after all outrun just about anyone in this Act so as long as there is room to maneuver the battle will remain in my hands. I do for this reason not look forward to facing the leapers and extra fast ghosts in later stages of the game.

Maltatai: Yes, you might even have to...drink a potion!

Rapunzel: This was the first time that fade triggered. A lucky shot from an insignificant dark archer. They see right through me...they must think that they can see their mission of defending the tower through as well. And I apparently pale so much that my environmental vision fade away as well.

This was a difficult pack to handle!

I decided to sneak away and attack the other monsters of the level first, like the unsuspecting devilkin. A surprise attack worthy of Linuviel!

After that, the ghost of Nurgle past and its pack could be separated and more easily dealt with.

And if anyone wondered if the enemies in the game are perhaps not so evil, and just misunderstood creatures - LOOK HERE.

THAT. NAME. No other entity of Sanctuary can sink lower, forfeit more second chances, incur greater damnation or be more irredeemably despicable.

But I had gotten a valkyrie that could summon dragons for us! I am absolutely sure they came to our aid because they sensed the presence of such a vile blight on the face of the universe!

In a later run I came across a ghost pack...again, I know...near a door and decided that I should at least try out my stashed reserve one time. Fire was effective and immolation arrow had proven to be a sound strategy to keep their healing down and add area damage.

And...BOOM! I can so understand why Rödluvan likes this so much. I think that thanks to the ability to combine immolation arrow with exploding arrows from a few bows the otherwise weaker and unfreezing fire is still very much in the game despite the many immune and resistant enemies. No other element of the Amazon can boat this combination of instant direct damage for fast hits and constant every-frame damage for the prevention of monster healing. My immolation arrow gains most power from the synergy of exploding arrow, and is therefore quite cost-effective at level 10.

Just after I had barbecued the ghosts I ran into another of these posers. This one was arguably the worst, being a corrupted rogue and therefore probably the most similar to me. She also had the most similar skills, or maybe she should have been extra fast instead of resistant. I was somewhat unused to dealing with archers with Kuko Shakaku so I fell back a bit and dispatched them with lots of poison javelins and decoys.

There was another archer further down that I also took out with the same hit and run attrition, even though this one was not as dangerous.

I ended the run with finding the runes for Strength... But after having discovered the usefulness of the fire I am still optimistic. The lack of speed and physical damage, and therefore leeching, is a severe drawback but I am still tempted to promote it to the main weapon for plundering the tower.

Maltatai: On second thought, your resistances are dangerously low without those 40 % extra from Witchwild String, so I would suggest keep having it as a reserve weapon.

Rapunzel: The monsters are mostly restricted by the layout of the corridors down there. I say it is an acceptable risk. I will just have to be extra careful to keep my distance from bosses in case they turn out to be lightning enchanted. And with the new firepower, that will be much easier to do while still dealing damage.

Maltatai: Point conceded. But make sure you engage initially with javelins more than arrows not, since your archery is slower than before.

As you will remember if you re-read chapter 12, Törnrosa and Floria encountered a fire enchanted archer named Devil Heart that teleported away. She had arisen in the tower cellar to frighten amazons once more. You never know if these enemies will manage to teleport just before they die and land close so you are hit by the corpse explosion.

Rapunzel: In a later run I encountered no less than three of these pests, including the countess herself.

Maltatai: Poison javelin is a preferable way to attack since you can run away while it works, but against the undead it is often not possible to destroy them in that manner.

The eight or so run was especially difficult with numerous packs that chewed through the valkyries. A nasty archer group was the most dangerous but Rapunzel threw javelins at them and then took cover in the room before while the venom worked. One by one, the furious dark archers succumbed to such underhanded tactics until their leader had to come forth and in range.

Once the valkyries were finally summoned, some proved to be of extraordinarily useful quality. Look here, Telash! Minions ARE being paid attention to. And this is not unpersonal objectifying, it is professional evaluation of combat abilities and general ability to contribute to the campaign.

I have never had the pleasure of being able to note his graphic disparity before. Quite a miss.

If Rapunzel hadn't come across the Witchwild String, this would have been the valkyrie of dreams to quest alongside. Since she is cursed and the closest you can come to cold enchanted, and was spawned in the deep pits of the tower cellar, perhaps her new nickname among the terrified enemies will be Pitspawn Foulbit...

Rapunzel: Maltatai! That is not acceptable!

Maltatai: Hrm?

Rapunzel: What if the valkyrie - whose name by the way is secret as per the modern Amazonian laws of protection of personal information from the information society - has a family that reads this? What if she has adopted children or perhaps just is the favorite aunt of someone? It could be disastrous!

Maltatai: I feel compelled to request some sort of elaborate explanation or explaining elaboration.

Rapunzel: As it is my mission as well as style to be thorough in my investigations, I have studied even the examples of historical warfare of your world that resemble Amazonian tactics. One of the more prominent users of light and heavy javelins and tower shields were apparently the infantry legions of a rather infamous empire, the one whose present-time fanboys and -girls that you are repeatedly so annoyed by.

Maltatai: Especially among the more useless contingents of law professors...

Rapunzel: These enslaving invaders did in any case proudly cite descent from the founder of their capitol, who along with his brother had been adopted by a female wolf.

Maltatai: Ah, now I see what you're getting at...

Rapunzel: Since you did mention that people in those days, the upper classes of said empire not least, attached outrageous importance to bloodlines and family name, and those adopted by another would have been liable to be considered usurpers and bastards by their opponents, the imperials did consequently take pride in living in an empire founded by the bastard son of a bi...

Maltatai: Hehehehehe, yes that is indeed true.

Rapunzel: And therefore, creating the concept of a pitspawn female dog valkyrie does evidently come with great risks of descendants embarking upon ravenous campaigns of conquest and enslaving!

Maltatai: Aaah...I don't think there is any particular need for concern. I believe the problem is defined more accurately in terms of imperial self-righteousness, disregard of other peoples, overwhelming lust for glory and obsession with family ties, than any potential canine relations. Nevertheless, in order to accommodate all and set a model example of minimization of risks, we shall leave the issue of bastard sword wielders, and their stepmothers of any kind, be.

Rapunzel: A sound principle. Usually the raiding is without any especially nervous moments, even though it is tense to engage those with teleportation and fire enchantment. I have been spared stairtraps most times, but on occasion that happens too.

Other times, the enemies seemingly can't wait to fall out of my way. A bit like various elite football players, I understand?

Maltatai: Indeed, some teams include the most expert tumblers, with nigh supernatural abilities to fall from the slightest gust of wind. If they could actually learn to roll back up on their feet again they would be halfway to qualifying as honorary Amazons. I suppose the other half would be having to turn female which would be what you could call the trickier part. To make matters worse, the tumbling behavior appears much rarer among the women's teams. But perhaps the best dodgers have already been secretly recruited by embassies from the Amazonian Isles before they have had a chance to make it to that level in their football career. Whatever you do, make sure you do not recruit among the football association magnates. While they are extraordinarily dodgy, they are so in the wrong way.

Rapunzel: Perish the thought. Even if I wasn't informed of that, the lot would, mildly speaking, not really reach the standards required in our navies and armies. I find it quite curious how the most athletic of activities many times can be represented by the most apparently unfit of leaders.

Maltatai: The hunt continues. With a careful, but easily bored, player the repetition of rune hunting can eventually get to you and the boredom and tedium dull your alertness. The vulnerability and ineffectiveness of many enemy formations have not aided in this respect. There is always a risk though, that any hero will suddenly be caught in that odd arrow volley or this hideous captain will teleport close to you and die...

Rapunzel: Target acquired.

Maltatai: Achievement achieved! A higher rune has been gathered from the countess!

Rapunzel: About time! Now I can move on to new areas. This place gets rather dull after the first dozen visits.

Maltatai: Think of all the fascinating places one can reach...like the pits where heroes plunder ceaselessly? Or the often visited Andariel?

Rapunzel: Noo, not this repetitive grinding again... Although, there are no known stairtraps of note near Andariel...and she does after all have this sensitivity to fire and pretty slow movement speed...after a touch of Cleglaw, that is.

Maltatai: Think what possibilities that do open up without a hireling to watch out for... Will you come back to the tower any time?

Rapunzel: No! Or...maybe. I just would so much like to find a Pul rune... And another so I can upgrade both weapons... And a Mal and two Ko so I can craft a mighty shield...

Maltatai: Obviously we are done with this place for all time and will focus totally on coming challenges. Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 33. Important Addendum

Spoiler

Telash: That clot. As soon as he figures out one problem - in this case the proper standardization of images for this forum - he makes some brand new goof-up miscalculation and does brainless things like not leaving an image slot open for the wave!

Luckily there is the United Wave Troops subbransch of the UMT to correct the situation.

Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 34. Into the Dark

Spoiler

Rapunzel: Hello. My name is Rapunzel and I'm a potionholic.

Maltatai: Hello Rapunzel and I would hardly think...

Rapunzel: It started long ago with drinking potions at work to be more efficient. I grew to depend on them. Then I turned to them to get over my nightmares. I tried to drink the bad dreams away. But after that I really thought I had it under control again.

Then in Hell there came a moment when I was going to proceed from the Black Marsh and into the highlands. The first thing I ran into turned out to be a pack of roaring hooligans lead by yet another incarnation of the troublesome Devil Heart. He had swatted the valkyrie up in the sky with an offhanded slap and thereby cursed me. Look at that! Is he frightening or what? I could probably have kept my distance fairly easily but the foolish chronicler decided that I should stay put just a little longer so he could grab a good screenshot of the roaring brute! How unserious isn't that, stopping to take pictures in the middle of a dangerous battle? I bet that if you put Maltatai in command of an army or something he would completely ignore the battle and just take screenshots to make new unit icons of or something...

In any case, when the monstrous brute approached I was so frightened and visions of deeded characters and one-hit kills and fatal reluctance to use potions flashed through my head and I accidently drank one of the healing potions as I focused on sprinting off and be ready to quaff drinks in case I would be hit and manage to survive.

On the way I found a shimmering charm. It was sadly only 3 % resistances but spectral resistance things are always nice.

Maltatai: The fabled Pit lay before Rapunzel. The surface dwellers had of course been of little concern since she had not had to pause for screen shooting or anything else. The dark and irregular caves are unwelcoming and uncooperatively unconforming for the nimble skirmisher. Icky things can appear out of the dark in seconds and surprise the helpless and innocent little invaders.

Storm Blister the Annoying made a reappearance with a scary teleport bombing combination. Rapunzel made a mental note to look up if such outrageous weaponry wasn't forbidden by some obscure interdimensional treaty somewhere. Now, biological greenery weapon were not at all the same thing. A quite opposite branch.

Rapunzel: The second level of the Pit had this nervously unsettling gap into the unknown dark that Maltatai always handles so exceptionally unsatisfactory. It is quite a mystery what makes him always lose his composure at this particular kind of cave entrance. Now, the proper way to advance is with a maximum of sniping and scouting and minimum of detection, since the area is so small and you wish to clear as much space as possible before alerting any difficult enemy formations. Said chronicler botched the entire operation by having me cast a decoy to scout. That is WRONG. It attracts foes and they then proceed to the small entrance cave where there is no room to maneuver.

It may of course had been a little easier if the foes in question had not been a pack led by a magic resistand and stone skinned captain. Now they swarmed my position and forced me into the left corner. I had never been trapped in a melee in hell before! Desperate situations require supreme order. Lightning charged my titanic javelin and sparks flew all over the cave! Rapunzel could reposition.

Maltatai: Impractically enough, she relocated to the stairs so that when she attacked the enemy she frequently went upstairs instead, and when descending she would surprise her foes with the erratic attack pattern but vanish in a blink again. However it was, Rapunzel is one nasty being up close too even if she had so far avoided that in Hell. That had actually not been any particular plan of mine, apart from a general distaste for melee that involves any sort of risk, but it sort of grew into a fixed and rather arrogant idea during the early parts of Hell. Which is weird since Rapunzel is outstandingly effective with it and lightning is supposed to be represented as well as the other elements.

So, divine administration had reappeared in the arsenal of the holy chosen of the most celestial radiance of the blablabla...

Unlike the role model of all saintly divinity Rapunzel will have to be careful NOT to acquire a rogue scout and so will leave Blood Raven for later. The risk of accidentally running into Kashya is overwhelming, as proved by Snövit long ago especially after long nights out in the tower. Since it is Rapunzels way to leave no sighted enemy standing she will not clear the crypts at the burial grounds either, since she would likely be disturbed by Blood Raven when travelling there.

Rapunzel: See this mother superior? Clearly one of the most foul tempered you could ever encounter. Someone must have stolen her finest unicorn or something. This was really quite like the big hairy spooky Devil Heart earlier. Poison javelin shone as usual. Lightning bolt would probably have been effective too but it is preferable only having to hit once and run compared to having to hit ten times.

The smith was on the other hand not nearly as fearsome as his deep grunted lines would suggest. Hephasto will be another matter, though. In nightmare and hell he is usually transcending the ridiculous when it comes to boosts.

Maltatai: Bony inhabitants downstairs have nothing to feed upon. Their futile attempts at resisting would not be worthy of mention but are still mentioned just to prove how unworthy of that that they are.

Here was quite a camper. His minions were slow to take down without potions and losing the valkyrie.

And of course we have the ugliest single creature in the entire game...

Up! Ascend! Into light and slithering angelic celestial tentacles that evil worldly people seek to cook as dessert! All in keeping with the spirit of lightning users, of course. Yes, yes, I know it includes degrading comments about chroniclers too. Ahem! Join us in a strike against the root of all evil Maltatai the Malicious! Blockade his pens and lock out his scrolls!

Go back! What kind of welcoming committee is this? When people get out of jail they should be welcomed with huge signs with greetings and escorted to a hideout where they can present their latest brilliant plan. And not just being driven around and around in a wagon because the stupid driver didn't know where to go.

Rapunzel: A prayer for the tragically underpowered and lonely unique enemy that is frequently too slow to do just about anything of note against a ranged character.

And LOOK HERE!!! I was so happy and surprised! I already ahve a Lum rune and am just a gem shrine away from upgrading one of my main weapons! Kuko Shakaku will require too much dexterity if it becomes the elite version but the javelins and witchly bow will be fine.

Just as with the Forgotten Tower, the equally forgotten catacombs - so forgotten that not even the rogues can provide you with a map before you explore it yourself - had the stairs rather close to each other. That was a very sensible precaution should the deceased need to evacuate in case of some sort of cleric invasion or similar hooligans.

Maltatai: Downstairs awaited the Maiden of Anguish. The mere sight of her statuesque zerg claws and fashionable hoof lacquering was enough to make any adventurer glance critically unto themselves and find hitherto forgotten or unknown self doubts resurfacing. Not least in Hell, where the dramatic black color theme provided exquisite style and contrasted against the bubbling red blood pools in the most flawless manner.

Andariel: FEAR ME! DIE, MAGGOT!

Maltatai: Far more sinister and subtle than the customary battle cries were the intense psychological warfare and outright bullying that Andariel had made her specialty and which had earned her her title.


Andariel:

What a maggot style
Maggot style

Here comes a little piece of Skovos trash, a maggot
She thinks to take the place of those who know their trade like masters
We all can see she dresses like an imbecile to cover
Up her empty shallow inner self

Nothing more to see
Than a little vermin crawling on the floor to see
Where she can crawl down in a pipe while getting out of here
Because she fear me, they all feel the same thing here
Always same thing here

Bloody useless, so weak and toothless
Lacks the talent, all kind of talent

Bloody useless, so weak and toothless
Lacks the talent, all kind of talent

She could just lay down, give up now and disappear

Open loser style
Loser style
Hop, hop, hop, hop
Such a clumsy style
Noooooooo sexy lady
Nope, nope, nope, nope
Such a last year style

Noooooooo sexy lady
Nope, nope, nope, nope
Bad-bad-bad, bad-bad-bad

Bloody useless, so weak and toothless
She lacks the talent, all kind of talent

Bloody useless, so weak and toothless
She lacks the talent, all kind of talent

She could just lay down on the ground, give up and deed

Addiction shown, but that is widely known
Potions, potions
Unnamed drinking group about to join

Addiction shown, but that is widely known
Potions, potions
Unnamed drinking group about to join
Know what I'm saying

Obvious stupid style
Bad-bad-bad, bad-bad-bad
Noooooooo sexy lady
Nope, nope, nope, nope
Obvious stupid style

Noooooooo sexy lady
Nope, nope, nope, nope
Bad-bad-bad, bad-bad-bad

What a maggot style


Rapunzel: ROAST, YOU MINION-EATING ARACHNID! BY THE BLOOD OF ALL BRAVE MERCENARIES THROUGH THE AGES AND EVERY LOYAL MINION, YOU SHALL MISS! READY! DODGE! FIRE!

You can't catch me! Out of breath already, are we? Take care lest you BURN yourself out!

Maltatai: Someone has clearly been influenced by a certain chroniclers sorceress to an alarming degree.

Rapunzel: Thrashing the opposition using overwhelming archery? Then it is the soundest of influx!

Maltatai: I was referring to the somewhat more questionable side that is the corrosive taunting of the succumbing foe.

Rapunzel: PETTY! DETAILS!

So, to sum it up, I would have managed to best almost all of Act I in Hell without ever drinking a single potion, were it not because Maltatai wanted to grab just one more dramatic screenshot. Utterly embarrassing, really.

Maltatai: But, pictures are important...what is this, some weird static interference? What...BZZZZZ...WHRHHHH...BZZZZZ...

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Telash: Do not attempt to adjust your set. This is Wave Only - a United Mercenary Troops Video Wave. The cable hack will last exactly 60 seconds. It cannot be traced, it cannot be stopped and it is the only free voice left in the city.

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Maltatai: Oh, drop it. The fact that I miscalculated the picture limit in one episode does not suffice to make you the supreme spokesman of all the waves of the universe, you twat. Besides, might I ask how the program is supposed to convey its message to the masses? Is the wave supposed to serve as some sort of semaphore?

Telash: So he says but the ever vigilant wolf of the oppressed will remain on the prowl, waiting for the time to strike...

Maltata: More like the yappy mongrel of the obnoxious remaining chasing his own tail or something similarly useful.... Look here! Now I am out of pictures again because Telash stole the 20:th one for his stupid hack. Now it has to be his fault. Over and out.

 

[Maltatai]

Maltatai:

So, anyone who managed to sing Andariels insulting Gangnamn style? I for one can't, I only manage about half, I can't sing fast enough for the rest. I still think it works rhytmically but it's hard to convey the right intonation with just text. Easily the hardest song to parody that I've ever tried so far.

 

[Maltatai]

Episode 35. Inspector Tomb Barnaby

Spoiler

Maltatai: They have been busy. They have worked hard. They have grinded it out and been worked right to the BONE. Victims of falling cheeses, automated agricultural contraptions, murderous architecture and theatrical background materials abound from Khanduras to Cause-town, Midsomer. But now, the three, the only, DCI (Detective Chief Infernal) Tomb Barnaby, DS (Detective Skeleton) Jen Bones and Rogue Gaile Stevens pick up the trail in the cold case of the murder of Andariel. The tracks lead east over the Tamoe mountains.

But the leads lead back again. Hark and lo and behold! To the Cold Plains, the perpetrator is retracing his or her steps. To a solitary shrine close to the waypoint. The ground is trampled and muddy between it and the waypoint, as if someone has sprinted there time and again at least twenty times or so. What could the mysterious visitor have been after?

See, here lies a tattered pamphlet. What does it say?

"Do YOU ever get tired of the physically resistant zombie boss packs in Hell Blood Moor that makes you feel that you have entered an impossible difficulty level? Don't YOU find those ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost mobs so obscenely annoying that it's bordering the game-breaking? And would YOU not wish for a safe and sure way to make those Doom- and Oblivion Knight packs shut up and die a second time?

Want to be rid of everything bony and spectral from burning dead to Top Model contestants? Then Holy Bolt is the spell for you! Destroys all undead, regardless of immunities. Holy Bolt - when Sanctuary is too risky and elemental magic too expensive. Holy Bolt - a spell to trust. Holy Bolt - the sound of it will be music to your ears."

A spell to trust? Something of great significance was found here. But was it what was looked for?

A gem of radiant forest light, of spinachly stench, of the best outfit for party occasions and bold balls. Perfection of the last component in the formula for the ultimate vindictive vengefulness from the clouds.

Dancing in triumph, the tracks go round and round back to the waypoint and around again through the Rogue Camp. What dreadful weapon would be upgraded? This would have taken some thinking for the perpetrator. Bows, or javelins? The javelins had a better roll, but the bow may be more relevant, with the cursing to let it make the most of physical damage. Or should one instead consider that with the bow enemies could be frozen and stopped so damage is less decisive? Is it intriguing to maybe unlock Jab as a main attack against lightning immunes along with poisons?

But maybe such concerns and deep thought ideas have over time grown secondary and one arbiters heart has warmed up with irrational and personal preferences and sentimental attachments. For it was the Titans Revenge from Mephisto that was Rapunzels great breakthrough in equipment and in spirit. With those spears, success suddenly did not seem out of reach and her character build could start to flourish.

The investigating group congregate and confer. What have they found out about the mysterious suspect from the other rogues of the land?

DS Bones: Well, the description is rather general, I suppose, blonde, tall, athletic and with one shoulder bigger than the other from archery and javelin practices. Always keeps her hair in a braid under a green helmet of deathly visage. Which is supposed to be green. How odd. Tends to wear lightweight plate or quilted armour, wielding a bow and spear and bone shield. Which is purple. That must clash horribly.

Tomb Barnaby: Very well, but what about the relation with the late ms Lilithdaughter?

DS Bones: None known. But the victim was a known manipulator and harasser, enjoying tricking and taunting others. Quite the troll, we have been told. It might be an explanation.

Gaile Stevens: The odd thing about the descriptions is that all agree that she passed here after the murder. But she is still supposed to have attacked someone matching the victims description, but with fire. Despite this, several witnesses attest to her prowess with lightning and poison as well. This doesn't make sense.

Tomb Barnaby: Oh, I believe it does...

Gaile Stevens: How so, sir?

Tomb Barnaby: The process of elimination, of course. When all impossible alternatives are removed, the only remaining scenario, however improbable, must be true.

DS Bones: And that is...?

Tomb Barnaby: We are dealing with an obsessed necromancer. She has evidently developed a severe grudge against Andariel Lilithdaughter and first slain her with poisons and physical violence - numerous stab wounds. The she must have revived the victim to be able to kill her a second time, now using lightning. After that the perpetrator evidently disappeared for a while. But now she is back, having committed the murder a third time by means of fire.

Gaile Stevens: Could it somehow be a copycat syndrome? Years before there were some gruesome murders involving fire and cold, believed to be a duo of partners in crime. There are still warrants for numerous offenses, also including several reports from commander Kashya regarding various degrees of immoral and unbecoming conduct...

Tomb Barnaby: Most interesting! I do believe we are on to something here. Perhaps the murderer is drawing inspiration from past crimes and desperately seeks to outdo the previous criminals.

DS Bones: If we are correct, she will eventually reappear to destroy Andariel using cold attacks, after having revived her one more time. We could set a trap there.

Tomb Barnaby: Still, we may have to wait a long time. And anything may happen inother places while we wait. If we could figure out where the murderer should b heading, we can surely catch her. What is the common psychological profile of a corrupt sorcerous necromancer?

Gaile Stevens: Educated, refined, but with a preference for old tombs and temples. Seeking forgotten knowledge, but still prefers luxuary and the company of refined and intellectual frineds.

DS Bones: That rules out most of the western kingdoms. But it could be that she is headed east towards Lut Gholein and all its neighbouring tombs.

Tomb Barnaby: That's it! Precisely as we theorized before. She will obviously be found in Lut Gholein in the company of a rich and influential acquaintance.

Maltatai: Having escaped Andariels repulsive musical taste and creepy claws, Rapunzel did as mentioned find herself facing the "rich and influential acquaintance" again, the nightmare of the desert. But unlike before, this time she had enough faster run/walk from her gear to outmaneuver and escape the menace! While fleeing down the sewers to get some breathing space between herself and the disgusting sultan, Rapunzel contemplated which of the two was worst. That is really the kind of eternal question that inspires composers and minstrels all over the world to compose songs and poems giving voice to the matter. One of those was the bard Jon Bovi of The Secret Cow Level. He was of course really called Jon Bovine but had shortened it to Jon Bovi to appear more modern and cool.



Stabbed through the heart, and I'm to blame
But she gave love a bad name

An arach's smile is what she sell
Promise me spinach but I put her through hell
Claws of spider, got no hold on me
When you're never caught you can't break free

I'm a loaded one, yeah
Round the lake I run
No-one can save her, the damage is done

Shot through the heart, and I'm to blame
I give law a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give law a bad name
You give law a bad name

Your famous name is on my lips
Poison green on your fingertip
A blonde girls dream, you act so slow
Your greenest kiss is your first kiss goodbye

Mine's a loaded bow
There's nowhere to go
No-one to save her, the arrow went through

Sick to the heart, Jerhyn's to blame
He give lords a bad name
I'm faster now and no easy game
He gives charm a bad name
His jokes lack wit, and are lame

Sick of this place and he's to blame
He gave wealth a bad name

I'll rush this part and continue your game
He gave sand a bad name
Sick to the heart, Jerhyn's to blame
He gave rugs a bad name
I want no part, and I'm not that dame
He gave robes a bad name



Maltatai: In order to avoid his repulsiveness as well as the annoying sun, you can always decide to invade and wage war upon the famous sewers of Lut Gholein, as vast as the whole city. And rather dry, even considering the dry weather. Poison works badly on most of the inhabitants though, and there is little life to leech, except from the sand raiders who are mysteriously found in the sewers instead of among the sand dunes. The terrain is good enough most of the time. It is a little wide but there are several narrow passages where you can bottleneck enemies. We have yet to see Puke Wolf make a reappearance but one very, very aptly named burning dead mage was sighted.

Still unwilling to drink, Rapunzel had to lure out Radaments pack to dispose of them outside of resurrection range. It was quite tedious but not much danger involved. The resilience of the undead did not bode well.

During the thorough sewer cleansing, a trio of foreign investigative fellows passes through the town asking several questions. How unlucky they are to miss the interesting guest that busies herself a couple of levels below! It isn't easy being a Detective Skeleton... Better luck next time. Over and out.