The Misadventures of Two Untwinked Javazons

Episode 11. Character Development Builds Character
Maltatai: Stupefying, fallentossing, treetrunkencamped, pitless, witless, reaccusatorysome oozing pointy-eared...

Snövit: Hello there. Someone is in a particularly good mood today.

Maltatai: Oh keep it down! I'm busy.

Snövit: What is this mess?

Maltatai: THIS, oh mighty ice cube, is what happens when you have two and a half years of chronicling MOVED to a NEW place WITHOUT it being compatible with dotted letters, smileys and apparently formatting and pictures in some cases! What a mess!

Snövit: Like...if someone had moved all your books to a new library but put some in the wrong order and forgotten the registry markings?

Maltatai: Pretty much like that I guess.

Snövit: I have never heard of anyone in our world having similar troubles...

Maltatai: That just may have something to do with the fact that bookshelves in Sanctuary contain at most one tome with at most 20 pages.

Snövit: Oh...right.

Maltatai: Damn! The smileys have gone missing! FIND THEM!

Snövit: What? No!

Maltatai: Locate wave, whistle, coffee, scared and cloud nine and the rest! MOVE!

Snövit: On it! "runs away"

Maltatai: We can't have a story without waves, can we? Meanwhile, let's have a look at the story so far.

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Maltatai: Now, I'm sure there were some more things that happened too. "Ahem":

Ill wills reigned in Sanctuary as demon-filled nightmares plagued the ideological opponents high and low. Both grassroot and illuminated suffered under the yoke of red eyes and thickening eyelids and in a moment of rethinking most unusual, Törnrosa actually questioned the wisdom in her sides grand design.

Törnrosa: I am SICK of this idiocy every night! Running back and forth to raid all previously vanquished evil leaders to get new randomly selected loot over and over and over again! What kind of twisted being could do such a thing for amusement?

Floria: I have discovered that they are called "players".

Törnrosa: "Players"?

Floria: Or "gamers".

Törnrosa: "Gamers"?

Petronella: I am the secret cow queen.

Törnrosa: What?

Petronella: Ah, worth a try. You seem to suddenly echo everything that is said so I thought I would give it a chance.

Törnrosa: What kind of creatures are these players, then?

Floria: From what I've...heard, they are a kind of humanoids, walking upright and overall resembling humans fairly well. They do however lack any notable magical abilities and appears on the whole as a peaceful lot, despite a vast insight in the combat mechanics of our world and the battling of demons and undead.

Törnrosa: So players are sort of like non-appearing Non-Player-Characters?

Floria: Welllll...yes, I suppose.

Törnrosa: Obviously not worth my time, then.

Petronella: So, I guess it is time for the second phase soon, of the genius master plan? I mean since those mice thwarted the exhausting-grassroot-instigators idea, there doesn't seem to be much point in continuing with the first phase any more?

Törnrosa: Grumble... It really should be happening any time now.

Petronella. What, exactly?

Törnrosa: Chaos. Disorder. Followed by the turning to the gentle guidance of the illuminated light promising deliverance from all evil. The religious humans will come first and form the core of followers followed by the pragmatic and the skeptical. As the political establishment crumbles and the populace grow disillusioned I step forward to offer an offer they can't refuse!

Floria: Religious humans? But...I'm not following. Wouldn't religious people turn to their gods and priests and other religious stuff in terms of crisis? Here being probably the Amazonian deities in most cases?

Törnrosa: Sure, some will. But note the distinction between religious people and religious humans.

Floria: What's the difference?

Törnrosa: The difference is between two concepts, which I try to separate using this terminology. Listen up: On the one hand we have religious people, people more or less firmly engaged in a religion. Their reasons for being so are diverse; belief, greed, longing for inclusion, old habits, fear, culture, convenience, pettiness, curiosity, idolizing... A potentially endless variation that makes them take part in this movement, or be part of that organization.

Petronella: Greed: very much check, irrational fear of snakes and all things snakey: check, culture: check, convenience: check, pettiness: double check, idolizing: self-check...

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Törnrosa: ...

On the other hand we have religious humans. By that I refer to humans who in mind, spirit, personality, whatever you wish to call it, are at home in a religion and sooner or later will find something to follow.

Floria: But wont those religious humans be religious people as soon as they find their home faith?

Törnrosa: Most will, but only in a society where one or more religions is available and in other ways appealing to the majority. The Amazonian islands used to be such a place but the resent metaphysical demon invasion events with the less apparent intervention from our deities might have dampened those tendencies a bit. In another society with different dominating philosophies, most will seek out other deities.

Floria: Now you are not making sense! That just mean that religious humans become religious people with minority religions.

Törnrosa: "SIGH". No it doesn't! You are confusing religious humans with spiritual humans! Indeed, a spiritual, believing person - someone inclined to attribute a higher meaning to some or most or all events and encounters - is likely to engage in some sort of individual or minority religion or spiritual movement under those circumstances. Religious humans are not. Actually, they are among the less likely to form a minority religion.

Floria: Why on Sanctuary not?

Törnrosa: Because that goes against the core concept of the mind of the religious humans. A religious human desire in short clear leadership and guidance, a sense of belonging and most of all an entity telling it what to do. If no such thing exist the religious human will try to create it, in its own mind if nothing else. In some cases this can come in the form of a new religious movement but that requires some traces of spirituality as well. The main idea with the new religion will be that the deity is an authority of some sort with some sort of clear message to the religious human about how it should live its life.

Petronella: Some sort this and some sort that...sounds profoundly UNclear I think.

Törnrosa: Quiet, slugmaiden. Don't confuse this.

Now, take a fairly worldly society with a marginalized religion and minimal spirituality. Religious people will then not have a major religion to satisfy their needs of direction and ordergiving. In those, they turn to the established authorities... or those who establish themselves as the most appealing authority...meaning me.

Floria: "In a disbelieving voice" What, they would worship a government or something?

Törnrosa: Exactly! You must have noticed the blind faith some people have in their governments. They believe that the government and the officials will fix everything and save them because that is what governments do in their outlook and they cannot bear the thought of anything being otherwise. It's nothing like "I know those politicians act in that way and so I think they will do this because they would not risk losing the votes over such a relatively minor issue", it's all "we must trust in the leaders and the politicians and (implicitly) not concern ourselves with the things that are way over our heads lest we anger and disturb those much higher above us".

They just long for an authority to place their blind faith in and take orders from. That is the CORE of religion - humans telling others what to do in the name of a higher power, as opposed to faith - one human doing what it thinks is right according to a higher power.

Floria: But that isn't good, is it...

Törnrosa: That's just how people are. Luckily, they have benign illuminated ones like me...us watching over their little lives.

Petronella: Zzzzzz....

Floria: Hihihi, not so much watching from Petronella though.

Törnrosa: Of all the miserable...WAKE UP SLUGMAID!

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Maltatai: And on the green side sleep was equally troubled. Frustrating to the point of stupefying were the dreams where Askungen and Ip knew they were just soo close to finding the ultimate stylish item (known among single players as The Face of Horror) that would curse enemies with a green curse. But they just couldn't get there. They found fishing equipment (if one were fishing for kelp, that is) and a crushing Yari but never one cheap little unique mask. Such a trial every night to be next to complete. None would of course ever think of the protagonists as material fellows. That would be out of the question completely and fully.

On the other hand, namely the right hand, Askungen did find a couple of handy one-handed maces. The rhythmic drumstick of Aldur which might be useful as a reserve weapon, and the ever useful general's flail. None would dare question her orders with such an opportunity to lash out in her hands. But that would of course only happen after everyone had had their say in an orderly meeting. Ip discovered an interesting blade that heralded the sinking of cities and true enough, Kurast did appear to be sinking beneath the jungle swamp waters and mud.

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Maltatai: And meanwhile in the waking world the hostess Bowazons worked tirelessly to keep everyone occupied with friendly food fights and dashing dishes. They even showed quite the consideration to the greenery and plants, which would undoubtly have made Askungen proud.

Rödluvan: "Putting a small table with food near bushes". Help yourself to some of everything if you like. Don't worry about the dishes, they can stand there until someone sees them tomorrow.

Unknown hand: "Quickly stretches out of the leaves and grabs a sandwhich"

Rödluvan: Enjoy your meal, rogueish bush.

Unknown bush: I am supposed to be an ordinary, very generic bush!

Rödluvan: Oh, of course! My bad.

...


Rödluvan: Come on, come on, come on! "Tugs on Snövits arm"

Snövit: What is it?

Rödluvan: You've got to come and see the talking shrubbery!

Snövit: The talking shrubbery. Of course. On a totally different note; how is your daily potion intake these days?

Rödluvan: No, it's nothing like that, you bore! Look here, and listen. It's amazing.

Snövit: "Casts inner sight". I don't see anything special shrubbery-wise.

Rödluvan: It's right there!

Snövit: Behind the rogue?

Rödluvan: Aww, you hair-knitter! Now you ruined the fine jest!

Snövit: ...

Snövit: So I suppose I was supposed to suppose the bushes talked despite not being supposed to be able to do so?

Rödluvan: I suppose so.

Snövit: How do you do and good evening anyway, shruberrily camouflaged rogue. I hope Rödluvan has not offered any suspicious potions...wait a moment, aren't you Floria? It is you!

Floria: "Steps out of bushes, somewhat grumbling"

Rödluvan: MY rogue! Hands off!

Rödluvan: "Hugs Floria"

Floria: Ummmf! Ftop fmotheving me!

Snövit: Hands on more like...

Rödluvan: How have you been?

Floria: Well, I sort of began to think about adventuring like you did so I joined another Amazonian adventuring party and had this shiny team captaincalledTörnrosawhowasawesomeandprotectingandandand...

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Maltatai: "Presses hidden fast forward button"

Floria: ...and then I was supposed to scout and see if all summoned bad dreams had a good effect and...

Maltatai: "Presses hidden fast forward button again"

Floria: ...and now I don't know about all this and I'm really sorry because I thought you were somebody else and fallen evil Amazons and and...

Snövit: It's quite alright. It's not the first time I've had my private life spied on. One sadly gets used to it after a while, alas... "Looks at the sky with arm lifted theatrically"

Rödluvan: I can't imagine how anyone could be so crass as to spy on your private life. Such times we live in. But Floria, dear, if you wanted to see more of Bowazons you know you need but ask...

Snövit: Will you stop hitting on each and everyone at the most inappropriate moments!

Rödluvan: But trying to charm the other sides spies is an established countermeasure...

Snövit: "Covers Rödluvans mouth with her hand"

Rödluvan: ...mmfgh...

Snövit: Only in your silly spy novels. Although it is by all means YOUR established countermeasure to every opponents action that allows you get even remotely close to any cute agent of theirs. Now, Floria, we're really not angry with you and if you are not totally frightened off by overly community spirited friends of mine you're welcome to stay as long as you like. I could pack a picnic basket with things for you if you want to study us from a distance and maybe we could make some secret hideout so you don't have to squeeze in among uncomfortable bushes.

Floria: Not that that did me much good...

Snövit: Awww, it was a good effort, but we do have maxed inner sight and penetrate after all.

Floria: No, no, I shouldn't trouble you any more. I'm going straight to Törnrosa and quit this stupid thing. It's really not nice to do to you.

Snövit: Hey, wait. Won't she be angry with you?

Floria: Yes, but I don't want to spy on you when you have been nice and not been angry with me now.

Snövit: But now that you have a proper invitation there's no need for spying, is there? You could be...writing a report about social studies among the Amazons, like an anthropologist...

Rödluvan: An Am-thropologist! And as you know, there is no surer way to get to know all the obscure and intriguing social rituals than mingling with the natives! I think you could learn a lot just by joining this little beach party I was thinking of organizing tomorrow!

Snövit: Wouldn't that be nice? And I can still make you a picnic basket if you want.

Floria: You...sure have liberal view of what qualifies as social studies...

Snövit: Of course! Liberalism is after all my specialty!

Rödluvan: I have one or two swimsuits you could borrow, so you blend in properly!

Snövit: That's awfully generous of you, but don't you think Floria should stay more in the background? If lots of people see her and starts asking who she is that will put her in a very awkward position.

Rödluvan: Then I suppose it falls to the local guide to provide a suitable distraction. But the risk is negligible at best.

Snövit: And why is that? If people see her and starts wondering where she came from and when she got here?

Rödluvan: Because those are MY swimsuits we're talking about! Nobody will be looking at her face.

Snövit: Right...

Floria: Hmm...

Rödluvan: So make sure you get a good nights rest. A rogue needs her archery sleep! And you really have gathered quite enough information for one day for Törnrosa.

Floria: I just have to tell you, do you know what she called Tyrael in the last dream?

Rödluvan: Of course not, otherwise you wouldn't need to tell us.

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Rödluvan: PfffhahaHAHAAA!

Snövit: Imagine that. The pompous angel of justice now known by the mundane "Tyrrie" nowadays. I almost wish we could meet him just to call him that. But only almost.

Maltatai: Then I shall only almost arrange that. Follow the exciting unraveling of the sneaky spy game in the next episode. Over and out.
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xXxGrimmxXx:
Maltatai... I dream of one day MPing with you on untwinked somethings...
Where were you to look up to when I was growing up? I love stuff like this, especially in the realm of D2... makes it so much more.... enjoyable? xD
Espr:
Really dig the comic cell style screenshots! :)
xXxGrimmxXx:
Yes... I liked them all.. Take it as a hint! More episodes more often! >:]

Maltatai:
[GLOOM]
I suppose I was growing up as well :). I never wrote stories like this until 2011. But I don't think I was so much to look up to. I have a rather low opinion of myself.
[/GLOOM]

Comic cell style is here to stay. In the chapter below I even tried the notoriously impractical approach of cutting the screenshot in half at an angle. It was some time since I took the picture and for a moment I actually wondered how I could be so stupid as to not see that I had pasted Askungen into one half twice. Hrm, decoy...ah, of course...works on authors as well as demons sometimes...
 
Episode 12. Accumulating Angelic Ambiguity
Maltatai: Volleys of volleyballs soared gracefully through the sky in ball-istically predicted arcs. Once her team were about to smash in another goal, Rödluvan invented the very annoying habit of announcing that by saying "Smashtegic Launch Detected", in a very ominous voice. Needless to say, it became the least favorite word of all opponents and especially the teams commanders.

Floria thrived in her new role as figuratively embedded amthropologist, except for the times when she landed after a particularly vigorous jump to reach the ball, when she became literally embedded in the sand. It had it's drawbacks to be so short some times. Askungen and Ip had great success, especially since Ip was tall enough to reach over the volleyball net. Obviously someone called Ip would be at home on the net.

Rödluvan: And THEN the speaking voice faded away as the world was rocked by stunning news! None other than the red hoods could confirm that Askungen and Ip finally, eventually and eventfully went on a proper date at last!

Maltatai: Which they surely wished everyone to know so they could be bombarded with questions, lewd whistling and unsophisticated suggestions and innuendo upon getting back.

Rödluvan: Rumor places the couple on a sightseeing trail through the waypoints of the Barbarian Highlands (the waypoints unused by the standard demon-murderers called heroes) and also the picturesque hideout of Nihlatak though leaf and conifer cones know why they went there?

Maltatai: Perhaps to hide out from prying eyes? Just a farfetched guess. I mean, that's probably not at all what you use a hideout for. Otherwise, the place was originally a temple and a complex of catacombs and burial shrines so someone interested in Northener culture would perhaps find it worth a visit.

In any case, with dreams where the outburst "FEAR ME!" echoing in the night would be regarded as a sign of good sleep, none could argue that some tranquil travelling and recreation would not do the green team good. How could anyone with their senses intact actually desire an object so repulsive, be it in their dreams or not?

At least the slightly inconveniently high profile couple would probably not have to suffer interference from the lightly team which had yet again declined into a righteous rant about the apparently overwhelming need for dominant authority figures prompting the noble enlightened ones to shoulder the mantle, pick up the proverbial symbol of self-sacrificing labor and don whatever other suitable metaphors at hand.

Törnrosa: And I say, that is but a tip of the yet even more proverbial buried golden pyramid (Did you think I would use a snowy metaphor like a common capitalist? Shame on you!). Why not look at the most educated and critically anti-mystical and totally not spiritual, presumably, caste of our societies, just to skip right past the debately arrow fodder and be done with rhetorical half measures?

Floria: What's this, scientists being religious humans now?

Törnrosa: Precisely! And while usually being associated with a skeptical and critical mindset, the fact is that scientists are just as liable to be drawn into movements of religious proportions and character. Just take economists (TOTAL fanatics) and the dogmatic beliefs in this or that principle or one or another miraculous cure for financial crisis's. Various thinkers or representatives for one or another ideology attract followers who dismiss and struggle against the opponents followers. Sensible discussions, collection and evaluation of proof in the actual case, field testing and so on are absolutely OUT OF THE QUESTION. It is purely and solely a battle of wills and ideas.

Petronella: Like when spearazons will never even try touching a bow despite getting the best possible equipment pieces thrown at their feet time and time again, just out of pure stubbornness and thickheaded tunnel vision?

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Törnrosa: NOT AT ALL! There is a perfectly sensible explanation...

Petronella: So don't bother. Our little meek minion heads will probably explode from the mere effort of taking in the words, let alone grasp their deeper meaning. You are right and everything else is wrong, as always.

Törnrosa: Why, that was a major step up for you. Good maid!

Petronella: Did what I think happen just happen? How can she not grasp the sarcasm?

Floria: Faith is supposed to move mountains but in this case it is more like being unmoved, even by mountains...hihihi...

Petronella: She's unbelievable!

Törnrosa: ...indeed, take the fallen Amazons for example! The foolish red ones with their slavish devotion to the ideas that as soon as state administration and political supervision touches any area it blossoms in productivity and creativity and none can be more trusted to run the business than the great STATE, which works in mysterious ways so above our little minds.

Or the blue with the fanatical adherence to the all-encompassing MARKET. The entity controlling our branch and our, well lives, and which we can never comprehend our challenge. With near saintly reverence they blatantly refuse even the smallest attempt to define the mechanisms making up the market or, high economic powers forbid, consider feasible alternatives to the current course of action. For when the market calls, through the prophets of their particular theoretical model, we weak wage slaves bow down and obey!

State, community and market are their gods, higher ranking economists their prophets!

Petronella: Alright, alright, hallowed be thy money or whatever...

Törnrosa: Your sarcasm has not escaped me, slugmaiden.

Floria: But if I may interrupt, what are we supposed to do now? Apart from a slightly disordered series of celebration there doesn't seem to be so much chaos among the Amazons although we could perhaps wait a bit more and see if it gets more messy...

Törnrosa: Just wait...I will think of something...

Petronella: Look, we have a visitor!

Törnrosa: Hmm...TYRRIE!

Floria: "Chortle"

Törnrosa: Now we really must do something about those mongrels, I almost believe the grand design has failed.

Tyrael: That is regrettable. However, it has won us time sorely needed. You haven't failed, you've done exactly as you were meant to do...

Törnrosa: Ehrm, what?

Tyrael: However, I am not the archangel Tyrael (oh, I love this line).

Törnrosa: What...what the...

Baal: Oh my omnipresent authority figures! I can't believe you fell for that! Well actually I can, that Tyrael imitation is sort of a specialty of mine. Terrific at after warmongering parties. So called AW.

Törnrosa: NOOOO! We...

Baal: Yes.

Törnrosa: And...

Baal: Yes.

Törnrosa: And...no!

Baal: Yes once again.

Törnrosa: Vile vegetable worshipper! I will give you such an electricity bill as have never been heard of in the history of bankruptcy!

Baal: Be my guest, it's Mephisto's turn to pay this month.

Mephisto: "echoes from far away" IS NOT, YOU SNEAK!

Baal: Hahahahaa...what! But, but, I was sure...I had it checked in my calendar somewhere, the one with real paladin skin, quite a bargain at Infernal Keepers Evil Association. Where could it be?

Mephisto: "echoes from almost as far away" PERHAPS YOU DESTROYED IT?

Baal: Ow, unholy goo piles, I probably did. Damn! Must learn to work less on my image as Lord of Destruction.

Törnrosa: You maggot! Bring back my angel NOW!

Baal: Ah, maybe we can strike a bargain? How about I give you a loose gentledemons agreement that I return Tyrael to you and you give me an invaluable holy relic of your people in return, allowing me to bypass all divine defenders up to the mountain where your Amazonian gods dwell?

Törnrosa: "tightens grip of ceremonial pike"

Baal: Uhm, Mephisto... Remember the universal abyssal remote control I gave you? The one with the very big reset-button?

Mephisto: "echoes from slightly less far away" THE CORRUPTED WORLDSTONE IS NOT FULLY CHARGED. WE DO NOT HAVE A SUFFICIENT POWER SOURCE YET. HIDE IN THIS REALM IN THE MEANTIME YOU WEED!

Baal: "hurries away down the mountainside"

Törnrosa: Forward!

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Maltatai: In Nihlataks hideout Törnrosa and her very un-Sol'ed team had the great luck of not facing any vipers (despite trying twice for a chance to see them and enable Maltatai to joke about frightening snakes with spinach conspiracy clouds), which would probably had scared the yellow leader half to deeds. Askungen on her hand did meet them and was even foolish enough to summon a pack out of an evil urn. Kaylee unsummoned in seconds...and that was that. Against the Sol runes of the green team no nightmarish snakeling stood a chance.

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But alas, Baal was not there! It had all been for vaught...naught, of course. As the world seemed to shrink to the size of an icon and then reform as another icon saying HELL was pressed, bowazons and greenlings conferred.

Snövit: It must be some kind of parallel universe resetting. It doesn't seem to affect me and Rödluvan.

Askungen: But how is this possible? I defeated Baal, in order to prove how it's really supposed to be done, and all his ilk along with him. Even that flaky gargoyle Nilly.

Rödluvan: We don't know. The Worldstone is likely to be involved as well as Tyrael's bad aim and judgement but apart from that it would seem there are several ways in which this can happen.

Snövit: I think we should consult an external source. It may be possible that the other team has noticed something.

Askungen: THE OTHER TEAM?

Rödluvan: You really need to work on your inner sight, dear. But I understand totally if you have had other things on your mind and in your view. Like shirtless giants with leather boots and skirts.

Askungen: The proper term is kilt, I keep telling you. Can you answer the question today or do I need to give a written report of my private life?

Rödluvan: Of course not. Where would be the sport in that? Please turn around. Floria, come out from under that leaf! We need to talk and yes it is that important!

Floria: "crawls out from the greenery"

Snövit: Askungen, meet Floria, rogue scout of the yellow white team. Floria, meet Askungen, team captain of the green grassroots and so on as you probably know by now.

Askungen: Good evening? Did you two tell her about me?

Rödluvan: Not exactly. You see, Floria has been charged with scouting the area and lately, that expanded into spying on potential competitors, meaning us more precisely.

Floria: I'm sorry! I didn't know you! I just thought you were as Törnrosa described you all!

Askungen: Being?

Floria: Ehm...foolish talkmongerers who will turn government into a farce by debating for all eternity and wasting public resources in a way bordering the criminal. Heretics and fallen Amazons who is siding with all the green monsters of the Prima Evils. Sworn enemies of Heaven and the Archangel of Justice...

Snövit: Meaning Tyrael, so of self-righteousness is more to the point.

Floria: ...Hippies, new age morons with your feet in the clouds and heads under the sand. However that is supposed to work. You would need really long legs for that. Or maybe if it was a Kurast beach with very low mist clouds from the swamp drifting in perhaps it could work.

Snövit and Rödluvan: OOOOAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Askungen: That...that...I can't even form a proper retort! I have absolutely no knowledge of that stupid Törnrosa and how to insult her!

Snövit: About to be remedied shortly. Floria, would you be so kind as to enlighten us humble peasants of the comings and goings of your team?

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Maltatai: For many hours and drinks and snacks Floria told about the exploits of Törnrosa, herself and Petronella and the master plan of Tyrael to undermine the fallen Amazon triumvirate with bad sleep to make them bicker and argue...

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Snövit: Wait a second, did she actually think the three of us had been forming some sort of joint government in order to rule together and united?

Rödluvan: And that we did not bicker and argue and banter with each other?

Floria: Uhm...yes. More or less. But it was maybe more like Tyraels plan I think. But maybe they weren't really right about you on that point...

Snövit: "In jokingly baffled tone"; I am appaled! Have your studies of us revealed that...that...we are not the paragons of unity and quiet dignity we thought we were! The shame! Alas, we must try not to falter beneath such a heavy burden on our minds!

Floria: Anyway, this ruined sleep thing hasn't gone so well. First it started to affect us too with dreams of mundane and routine pillaging and never finding what one is looking for but over time it seems that both we and the grassroots have sort of started to succeed more in our dreams and turning them into really enjoyable dreams of success and riches. I found and exploding bow one night!

Snövit: Sure you don't mean a bow that shoot exploding arrows?

Floria: Oh...right. Of course. An exploding bow wouldn't be so practical.

Snövit: I don't know...it does present hitherto unavailable opportunities to, say, gift it to a close friend and watch her try to fire it as it explodes in a comical and whimsical way.

Rödluvan: And thank you so much for looking at me all the time while saying that.

Floria: And now it appears that we all got tricked because Tyrael turned out to be Baal and Törnrosa is sure Tyrael is captured somewhere in a parallel difficulty level...

Rödluvan: That would be in Tal Rasha's Tomb. If anyone wondered.

Floria: ...this is such a mess. We will need to search for the lost angel in this Hellish mirror realm or whatever it is.

Rödluvan: We'll stay in touch! I can always watch the Prime Evils get whipped one more time.

Snövit: But DO be careful with Fangskin and teleport to the mound if you can and...

Rödluvan: Stop being so fussy, she hasn't died ever yet, she can take care of herself.

Snövit: I'm not!

Askungen: Pleased to meet you anyway, and best of luck miss very generic rogue that nobody will suspect.

Floria: Good luck to you too. I promise to warn about any new illuminated schemes.

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Maltatai: Out stride two elaborately equipped rascals. With spinachly green and lightningly golden plates there can be no doubt about the growing polarization of our world. Their hirelings do curiously sport a notably similar brown tone, if not size.

Rödluvan: Maltatai, Maltatati, Maltatai!

Maltatai: Listening.

Rödluvan: Now we have this super-important question: Are people in your world level 1 when created?

Maltatai: Level 1?

Rödluvan: You know, when spawned, are the characters in your world level 1, or is there some kind of level 0 or so as opposed to us?

Maltatai: I've...never really thought about that. Why do you ask?

Snövit: You know this forum of single players that you hang around at...where a surprisingly large part of the supposed singles that are players are not single at all.

Maltatai: I may have heard about it, yes.

Snövit: Don't interrupt! And you mentioned that some of the single players were recently beginning to expect to spawn more characters in their party...

Maltatai: Also known as having children...

Snövit: ...and we have researched the ultimate present for a new character, we think. But that depends on our question.

Maltatai: And the present is of course...?

Snövit: A bow! Duuuh!

Maltatai: Of course. How silly of me to even wonder.

Rödluvan: We have refitted a quiver of arrows with miniature cushions for everyone's safety. But you can dip them in red and blue paint to still see if you hit. If you have two newly spawned characters one can be the good red team and the other the evil blue antagonists!

Snövit: She means of course the other way around. Don't be too hard on her, she's only level 82..."whispers demonstratively" proper colors is a little confusing to someone so young and inexperienced.

Maltatai: Paintba...-arrow. Yeah, those things have a bit of a fan base.

Rödluvan: And so, an all-new character is not so strong or stable yet, so we thought that if we take a socketed short bow, which has the lowest dexterity requirement of all bows, and socket it with three jewels of freedom the new character will be able to use it as soon as possible because jewels of freedom only require level 1.

Snövit: But that might not work if new characters are below level 1 when spawned. So that is the question: Will a new character in your world reach level 1 before he or she develops 15 dexterity?

Maltatai: To be or not to be level 1, that is the question... I really don't know, actually. Over and out.
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Episode 13. Annoying Zone
Maltatai: Away with normal tedium and drop the nightmarish routine! Things are serious and deeds await thee. We are in HELL! Right from the beginning the greenlings felt the icy chill of ineffective attack capabilities and insufficient tanking assets. But no doubt their adversaries experienced similar sentiments, seeing as how Askungen carried a thick shell of no less than 60 PDR, 11% DR and 37 MDR. Incidentally, she has set a record among all marauders having to bear the oversight of Maltatai so far. The only thing missing is some regeneration. Now let's hear some comments from the chief grassroot with such a sturdy root kit.

Askungen: I remember fondly the good old days where fallen would fall by the dozen from one single poison trail. Now everyone is just unbelievably resistant and the zombies are almost immune.

Maltatai: And not only that but they regenerate at an obscene level, making poison immunes quite annoying if they are also highly resistant to physical damage. But let's leave that for the time being.

Askungen: Isn't I supposed to make that kind of comment?

Maltatai: I'm just providing guidelines for the insignificant part of the audience unfamiliar with the game mechanics and the mind-numbing trials you have to face. Although so far you seem remarkably safe and sound.

Askungen: Of course. My tactics are sound and my green armour keeps me incredibly safe, almost immune to exploding barrels in fact.

Maltatai: How fortunate. Barrels are such a terrible danger.

Askungen: Not that that was the point I was pressing but...

Maltatai: Especially dangerous when they surround you in groups with champions or unique barrel leaders. They are quite hard to hit I hear, doing elaborate dodge and avoid stunts like the classical "barrel roll".

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Askungen: Will you refrain from further nonsense, please? Thank you. I was fortunate to be able to gamble a new stack of javelins with some decent damage and a little life leech, but the colour! Top ruling golden yellow!

Maltatai: What about the other stack?

Askungen: Capitalist blue! Oh, you mean the abilities?

Maltatai: A seemingly superfluous detail, I know.

Askungen: It added to my poison skills and added some lightning damage. I thought it could be good against immune enemies, better than other weapons since it allowed me to jab at the enemies. Had some limited success against ghosts but i think it has yet to show its real worth.

Maltatai: The heavily equipped light team has not made any similar improvements to their equipment. Apparently they still managed to make it through anyway judging by the spying presence I spy with my little eye next to me.

Floria: The spying presence agrees and disagrees with being known as spying presence.

Maltatai: Of course.

Floria: My team has already had its share of taunting and obnoxiousness.

Maltatai: We are all ears.

Floria: We came upon this greenly archer called Devil Heart. It should be Taunting Heart because she teleported away as soon as you shot at her! Most annoying.

Maltacus: Certainly! How dare she remove herself when shot at!?

Floria: Is this the part where I glare disapprovingly at you and three dots appear as my line, to point out my silent stare?

Maltacus: You have done your research well, amtrophologist. Will you publish this report of yours?

Floria: Who would read it? I mean, it's basically page after page of gossip and silly banter. Who would be interested in that?

Maltacus: Oh, I wouldn't count it out just yet. Gossip and silly banter has been known to fill years' worth of magazines and story series with constantly late and tardy updates.

Floria: Well, I'll think about it then.

Maltatai: Still, if that was the worst escapade so far I really must congratulate you to the easy time in Hell so far.

Floria: But it wasn't! We faced a super-dangerous archer commander that was completely scary and should make the whole audience shiver!

Maltatai: I see... Ah, I'll make sure to shiver. Shiver, shiver... That was shiveringly dangerous. Always the archers causing such trouble it seems.

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Maltatai: Hell is of course among other things a severe drain on the liquid supplies of bold adventurers. Snövit would probably call it liquidity. How has the grassroot garden fared in this department?

Askungen: Clearly you have been used to the wasteful left or right policy makers. We of the environmental side will not stand by and see our planets vital health and mana supplies be extravagantly exhausted. With the Mouse-Smithed plates and dwarf rings we conserve our health and limit out potion dependency. Unfortunately we have yet to rune into something better rune-wise.

Maltatai: Does that make you a conservative party I wonder?

Askungen: Only if the public demands it.

Maltatai: Unconfirmed rumors has stated that potions are now a main ingredient in javelin recipes as well.

Askungen: Stop talking as if it was about some new undiscovered Horadric Cube recipe! You may confuse your poor readers. Poor in the sense of having to find some meaning among the confusing and contradictory scribbling of yours. And potions are in fact the main ingredient in the Plague Javelin. It is a very potent drink known as Absenth. It makes people act as if they were absent minded, hence the name. I have upgraded it and it is now by all means weaponised, emitting a horrible environmental cloud.

Maltatai: Aren't you concerned about how this will reflect on the green movement as a whole? What if, say, someone got the idea that the leaders of environmental parties were all drunks and potionholics?

Askungen: That is absurd. Nobody in their right mind would come up with such a far-fetched idea from just a shallow impression of us. Actually, the results have been closer to the opposite. The notoriously childish rogues - no doubt inspired a great deal by the unsuitable examples set by Bowazons - has appointed me as the "Green Fairy of the Absenth" as some sort of patron of the substance. Weird. And the silly pictures of me and Ip with butterfly wings...

Maltacus: Prime material for environmental election campaigns! I mean, now that they are already drawn you can use them as advertisements so you don't have to make new ones, thereby saving important resources! Sustainable campaigning.

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Askungen: The horror!

Maltatai: Floria, how have the illuminated individuals had it with the drinking?

Floria: I rarely need much because Törnrosa and Petronella are covering me most of the time. Törnrosa drinks mana potions all the time since she doesn't steal any mana and it rapidly goes down with her enormously high attack speed. Lightning fast, so to say...

Maltatai: Someone overly focused on tactics and character skills planning could draw an interesting parallel to Snövit who also operated with a powerful elemental attack which could not be sustained for long and which she therefore had to take care to use only at the right moments.

Floria: Since I am a secret agent I am apparently supposed to drink potions that are shaken well but are not allowed to be stirred. I haven't really understood why they shouldn't be stirred but maybe it disrupts the taste or something. However, this spying business has its risks. Yesterday when I was about to take a cool drink after a long time of scouting I discovered that someone had added carbonic acid to it so since I had shook it, it splashed all over my face!

Maltatai: Danger lurks around every corner for the noble spy. Have you any idea who might be behind this sinister ambush?

Floria: Not really. It's not like it was very dangerous, just very stupid.

Maltatai: No suspects at all?

Floria: Are you implying I should suspect someone in particular?

Maltatai: Statistically and historically speaking, certain elements have shown a great deal of interest in the potion business before and would therefore possess the knowledge required. As Lysanders timeless saying goes; "Potions are delicate mixtures. They're just as liable to go off in your face as anything.". Some of these certain elements have also shown a particular disposition towards base pranks and nosy interference. Could I ask if someone in particular has stressed the need for this shaken-not-stirred routine?

Floria: Actually it WAS Rödluvan who said... That wicked mustardmonger! I'll get her for this!

Maltatai: While the shadowy spies conduct their shady standoff, why not have a closer look at the latest deeds of illumination by Törnrosa and her humble minions. This was a rhetorical question since I am the supreme storyteller - at least mostly - and therefore warrants no question mark.

Some slightly annoying people seeking confirmation or simply getting a kick out of bothering people are infamous for the phenomenon known as preaching to the choir. Arguably, Törnrosa is even more annoying since she went one step better, or worse, by preaching to the altar.

Indeed, preaching and bossing the other team members around has been a more important part of her heavy duties as of late, since the walls and barred openings of the jail and similar areas with entrenched archers have prevented the usual flashy shock assault usually employed. Luckily, the ranged support units, one to be precise, managed to sort out those situations.

The lack of physical damage from Törnrosas javelins has been a recurring problem. While superb for delivering quick series of lightning discharges, the sticks are little more than toothpicks when it comes to hurting the enemy by themselves. Insightful input from the rest of the team has so far been dismissed firmly.

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So far all characters except for the recastable valkyries have made it safely to the second level of the catacombs. Nervousness and unenthusiastic looks grow in number as everyone contemplates the dangers lurking on the lower levels.

Askungen: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SPIDEEEERS!

___________________________________________________________

Maltatai: In such a tense moment tempers can get a little volatile. Luckily there are some brave heroes striving valiantly against dull professionalism and seriousness for the good of all.

___________________________________________________________

Törnrosa: I will have none of that stupid behavior! Cease this banter at once!

Petronella: But it IS a rather good nickname right now. Your cheeks are quite righteously rosy when you are flushed with such flashing fury.

Törnrosa: I am not! I am pearly white and goddessly golden, slugmaiden.

___________________________________________________________

Maltatai: Such a fuss over an innocent little remark... After all, Floria just wanted to lighten the mood a bit. She is an archer character to the core and the team scout and spy. And as the most fragile (while still best) type of mercenary it was quite correct to expect that the encounter with Andariel would be extremely dangerous. Floria has even made a song about the teams coming troubles and the dangerous defined location in which they will find themselves.


Floria: Rosie? Rosie? Rosie? ROSIEEEEE?

Törnrosa: WHAT!?

Floria: Danger zone...

Mess with the commander
Listen to her howling roar
Lightning under tension
Begging you to taunt and go

Downstairs to the...DAAANGER ZONE
Slide down to the Danger Zone

Heading into poison
Coming from her claws tonight
She got you jumping for some cover
And coughing very loud and high

Downstairs to the...POISONED ZONE
Quests will take you
Right into the Poisoned Zone

Seriously Rosie call Askungen 'cause you're in the poison zone

They never say hello to you
Until you getting the campaign on overload
The public never know what you can do
Until you get the ratings' high as you can go
ROSIEEEE!

Lightning zone...

Lightning zone...

ROSIEEEE!

How did you get deeds insurance Rosie, don't they know you're in the...DANGER ZONE!

Out along the edge
Is always where I burn to be
The further from the clash
Away from risks and hard melee

Home in my own ARCHER ZONE
Gonna take you
Down from my own Archer Zone
Tanks protect my Archer Zone
Light shines in my Archer Zone

Archer zone...

Törnrosa: Archer zone?

Floria:

Leading is a Lightning 'Zon
Gonna take that Baal
Down like a Lightning 'Zon
Angels praise the Lightning 'Zon
Tyraels favored Lightning 'Zon

Törnrosa: Hmpf! That's better. And pick up those dishes right now slugmaiden! Do you want ants? Cause that is how you get ants! And don't go on about not winning elections with this leadership - I rule from above such petty wastes of time. You and your stupid election. How can you even have an election at this time?!

Petronella: Ow! Hostile work environment!
Maltatai: Over and out.
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Episode 14. Midsanctuary Murders
"Good day madam, I'm DCI (Detective Chief Infernal) Tomb Barnaby and this is DS (Detective Skeleton) Jen Bones. We are from Cause-Town investigation department, specialized in finding the cause for a consequence and working for all possible causes."

"Good day. I'm Kashya and I'm boss."

"Ah, well, we're investigating the death of Andariel Lilithdaughter, a resident of the Monastery road 1A. Do you know where the body was found?"

"Heh, not much left of that one to find... Gaile! GAILE STEVENS!"

"What is it?"

"Show these guests where Andy bit the dust."

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"See Bones, this is interesting. There are dozens of footprints here, one particularly large set and one smaller. They seem to be going back and forth from the place where the victim was slain. Now why would the killer retreat and come back again in quick succession so many times?"

"The phenomenon of criminals returning to the crime scene? Challenging the authorities and so on?"

"But these happened before the crime in question was discovered. No, here has been a struggle. A long and even struggle. The killers charged and attacked with some form of slashing or stabbing weapons. Failing to gain the upper hand, they retreat to...this spot. Why?"

"Taking cover from the counterattacks. Behind something that has now been moved. A pile of barrels, perhaps."

"Or perhaps...to a portal. Look at these bloodstains running along the footprints."

"The blood has...rotted?"

"No, Bones, this is what severe demonic poisoning looks like. The attacker retreating here must have been nine tenths dead, therefore it must also have been a portal allowing them to escape and recuperate quite a lot of times. Look there! A poisoned kidney having been thrown away. And there - a spleen! The one dropping those rotting internal organs would have had to be soaked in healing potions and taken to a priestly healer immediately. He must have been seconds from death time and time again. Two killers returning repeatedly to slowly stab the victim to death, that tells of a very determined couple. But why? What is the motive for something like this?

"Crime of passion, sir?"

"Maybe so, maybe so... The victim was after all known to cause anguish among many neighbors. In fact, some have been describing her as the "Maiden of Anguish" herself. I would say that we are talking about one main character and one hireling here. That would explain the coordinated retreat to heal and regroup."

"Sir! Have a look at this."

"A second murder???"

"The ground here is all singed and burned. It's like lightning and fire has struck. Could it be an accident?"

"Hardly, look at this: Two sets of footprints going around the victim and remaining there, pinning her in one place confronting them. And over here, one more set, possibly firing arrows from a distance. This is devious indeed, planned and professional and fast. It would appear that this team did not retreat a single time until the job was done. No casualties among them either."

"Do you think there's a connection between the two?"

"Not directly. We are talking about two entirely different operative patterns here. The first one erratic and, well, inefficient, and the other one well planned and disciplined with no compromises."

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"Sir.. What if this isn't about any personal grudges at all? It could have been a burglary attempt that went out of hand. I think our victim was fairly renowned for her collection of antique artifacts and sets of collection objects."

"Then why leave in such a hurry? Look, they even left that unique short war bow."

"To be honest sir, that thing is a fake. It is not in any way unique. They come by the dozens, literally."

"So the killers knew what to look for. Unless..."

"Unless what?"

"What if this is a decoy maneuver? Bones, we've been completely focused on Ms Andariel Lilithdaughter as the primary target here. Suppose both groups of attackers simply came this way to continue east to their REAL goal, murdered the victim here to confuse potential pursuers of their true plan - perhaps even just because she was in their way?"

"Actually, witnesses have reported that one caravan left around the same time as the supposed time of the murder. One Warriv is the alleged owner and leader of it."

"Next stop is Lut Gholein then. You drive."
"Over and out, sir."
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"What?"
 
Episode 15. The Gross Storyteller Negligence
Maltatai: On the worn caravan path through the desert one could hear a bit of a strange noise lately when a certain ecological war party met one or another insect passing by.

Askungen: Spiders! Spiders! Everywhere! They are coming!

Ip: Stop that, it was just a common beetle. There are no spiders here.

Askungen: Are you sure?

Ip: Quite. But even if it would be a spider it is not very likely to be dangerous.

Askungen: And what about that thing glittering in the sunlight at the horizon? It could be spider silk!

Warriv: That is the sun reflecting off the dome of Jerhyns palace.

Askungen: But what if spiders have taken over and spun their webs in a cunning way so it just LOOKS like the dome? Or if they have spun around the dome and incorporated the whole town?

Ip: Then we drag everyones stored body through the waypoint and have Kashya resurrect them all, after slaughtering the useless spiders. Easy.

Askungen: IS DEFEATING A SPIDER TOWN YOUR IDEA OF EASY?

Ip: Or I die a disgusting death charging headlong into overwhelming danger and you have to drag my carcass back to the Rogue Camp.

Askungen: Don't you dare die! Not allowed! Raaagh! I shall smash their legs and tie them together with their own webs! Bring it on, arachnid abominations!

Maltatai: Luckily Lut Gholein was still independent from the vile clutches of the spider conspiracy that doubtlessly lingers in wait somewhere. The quest for democratic procedures could continue.

While being infamous for mummies and maggots that just shrugs off poison damage, Askungen had quite a notable success as well. The notoriously dangerous beetles and the fast cats are all very sensitive to spinach and poison javelin has gained in ill repute. If only a Lem rune or a skill levels of life everlasting amulet would drop...

In the sewers were many resistant enemies but none but a troublesome burning dead leader and Radament posed much of a problem. The poison immune burning dead archers were especially frail, and their arrows bounced harmlessly from the green plating in a most amusing way, prompting several outbursts of malign laughter from the storyteller, as well as the clawing of leapers and the potion grenades of the cats outside. In these confined spaces with tightly packed enemies it was plague javelin that shone in most cases.

Slowest of all the opponents were the sand maggots. Highly resistant to physics and immune to poison, they included more dual immune chiefs than any other type of foe. Askungens reserve spear stack did at last prove useful but it could not beat the regeneration of the maggots. Twice was heard tirades of blasphemy and the second time Askungen decided to keep the vilenessly weapon she had bought for such occasions. The stash was in turn gradually emptying of all magic finding equipment. Down in the Maggot Lair this unreceptive demeanour towards the green ones culminated in the spawning tiresomeness of Coldworm. Since the guide and hidden watcher of her had neglected to remember that Coldworm spawns new maggots the whole lair was crawling when the mistake was realised. Hundreds of thousands of gold coins had been wasted in continuous barrages of corpse explosions but to no avail, nor did the amulet of teleportation work since the team ended up surrounded by maggots and unable to move anywhere and grab the staff. Embarrassing indeed it was to find oneself thwarted by such an unglamorous place. Out of better ideas Askungen and Ip downed a handful of antidotes and Ip changed to Tal Rashas mask...which surprisingly did the trick. With the new life stealing Ip could sustain his assault in among the maggots even despite the poisoning. Slowly but surely the maggots were hacked to pieces.

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Even maggot slime dries off eventually and with staff in stash the chilling prospect of going down into as well as in the scary Claw Viper Temple loomed on the horizon. Initially the sky went dark, big surprise there. A party of nightly cats and plague bearers greeted all visitors and prepared for an honest fight. Askungen did instead deign to blow them all up with her corpse explosion. Very unworthy it was. And also a bit fun. Despite their ominous name plague bearers are immune to magic and not poison but poison is still not effective against them. Despite this they were generally to o slow to pose a large threat and the living ones were soon more dead than the dead ones.

Eventually Askungen stood before the gates of despairing horrors. Into the cold darkness the greenlings plunged and no stair trap waited but on the other hand a great deal of tedious bone warriors. For serpents fell quickly in a somewhat unexpected way since they should be associated with poisons yet the undead took a great deal of time and running back to lure them away from their puppeteering guardians. Seriously, how logical is it to reward the heroes with being named like one of the monsters in the game? Explosions proved their worth many times but it was an expensive habit to keep up, even with chancy hand guards. Most despicable of all was the undead guardian with the heretical name hinting at a contempt of the most noble of all fable creatures. Obviously dispatched with all fury. In a somewhat tiring - in fact very tiring - repeat of the maggot lair, the occasional sarcophagus proved enormously tedious to take down and spawned a very large mass of dried corpses.

To the spectator educated in the inner workings of the Amazon mind the obsessive and slightly manic glance in Askungen eye as she eyed the exploding corpses would probably be all too familiar. A pity she had no sensible person with her to temper that unhealthy tic, but had to make do with a berserking barbarian rushing into the most inadvisable situations and urging all party members on. The black dynamite should clearly have been entrusted to someone a little more responsible but socketed is socketed.

Taking as usual the finding of the entire rest of the temple to appear, the stairs down were a frightening sight. Horror stories abound about the unsettling underworld that is the second level. Askungen swallowed and thought that at least they were just mutated snakes and not spiders or something equally frightening. Down!

The entrance corridor was empty. It was quiet. It smelled funny however. What was that? Clicking of bony feet? A grinning bone warrior strode along the path to the entrance. Damn! Discovered! Ip rushed ahead to grind the bones down while another skeleton appeared. Still no snakes.

"Hisssssss...."

Fangskin! Environmentally green emitting the most top ruling sparks! The horror of bowazons and the knocker of valkyries! Into his pack Ip charged and Kaylee ran. The hissing os stupid salamanders was great as they slashed into the newly conjured decoy that appeared right before their eyes. But on the other hand Askungen did possess a teleporting amulet and would have been hard to see in the green clouds so in fact it might not have been too farfetched to be fooled by that ploy. Ip scored a critical hit and cleft a salamander in two. Kicking it off, he cheered heartily when the corpse exploded in Fangskins eyes. Being led by a blackhanded environmental radical had its uses sometimes. Look how brightly he other exploded! And there flew a few claws right into Fangskins throat! Something was missing though... Ip jumped ahead and with barbarian cunning he did not strike but grabbed Fangskin with his hands so it would not provoke a lightning discharge, and hurled the salamander unto the newly slain honour guard of his. The stiffening jaws of the slain gaped wide and the fangs of the dead buried themselves into the skin of their captain that came crashing down, finally worthy of his name! The chamber shook from the sound of one last explosion. All was still. Askungen looked solemnly at Ip.

"Fangskin is indeed a true terror..."

"Huh?"

"...to your purse."

"What?"

"He will have cost us no less than 78 696 gold coins in recharge and repair bills."

"Bwahaahahaha!"

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Such a triumph! Between the poison resistant undead and the dreadful snakes Ip had stood fast and Askungen had proved that necromancers were not the only ones able to make Fangskin go up in a poison cloud and a corpse explosion. Truly a proud moment for the grassroots. Then the storyteller got the idea of building on the positive momentum and go to clear out the ancient tunnels too now that the Lost City was empty.

What a/an *** - *********************.*

*The asterisks are not the result of forum censoring. The reader is supposed to choose the worst insult that comes to mind within the range of three and twenty one letters, for increased linguistic flexibility, thus the range of asterisks. The asterisk after the dot is a normal asterisk pointing to this footnote.

Two intermingled bosspacks of horror mages attacked. One leader was enchanted with the conviction aura and spectral hit, the other with lightning. One and two bolts hit Ip and appeared to barely scratch him but suddenly he was gone. In an instant from over half his health the stalwart Barbarian was no more. How idiotic of the guide and storyteller to overlook the conviction and the danger it poses for the frail and pitiful melee hirelings. Doubly so when accounting for the bodies of undead whose corpses Askungen could use to blow up said conviction boss shortly after. If only such sound, meaning of course underhanded, tactics had been used from the start, preferably along with the Nadir circlet.

Askungen: I say! Maltatai, you scum! That attack down the ancient tunnels should never even have taken place directly after the temple battle! How can you be expected to stay sharp with no rest between questing sessions!? You should know this by now!

Ip: I did not enjoy being burned apart like that but we should give the bookworm a bit of a break. It was partially my warlike nature that drove me to that fatal rush. I will not listen to caution or care when blood is to be shed and bones are to be broken! But don't anyone dare call me weak or frail!

Maltatai: Am I to understand that I should exchange "frail" with "stupid" then?

Ip: Precisely! Uhh...

Askungen: And add negligent, inept, careless and idiotic for yourself!

Maltatai: Duly noted.

At the end of the cursed ancient tunnels lay a common golden chest and inside it lay a common golden stiletto. Certainly not something one would give ones money or life (albeit temporarily) for.

The palace cellar can prove incredibly deadly or inconceivably dull. This time it was closer to the latter. One cursed horror archer bosspack needed to be circumvented and attacked from different directions but apart from that things went smoothly. In the Arcane Sanctuary the goat men ascended to greener pastures while the spectres and ghoul lords took their time. Ip could this time dispose of the blasphemous lightning pillars. Under happier circumstances, the quick demise of the summoner would have been the source of much amusement. Askungens rings had ample opportunity to prove their worth and their ability to compensate for her lack of fire resistance.

The Canyon of the Magi held generally soft targets while the tombs included a mixed population. Askungen headed straight for the right one which was to the left. Logic... Her mind raced in erratic directions as the team worked their way through the dead and living in the tomb. Much running back and forth was required but here there were at least no fast salamanders to catch a retreating skirmisher. What if she would give Ip a really weak little scimitar? Would Duriel ignore him? Should she engage the demon herself or would she be more useful casting decoys from a distance? Was it worth the time to attempt to slash him with the Generals Flail? Should inner sight be cast before a first decoy? Would Ip be better off with his slowing ataghan for starters? What punishment would be grim enough if she ever got her hands on Maltatai?

And so the three Prime Evergreens stood before the crumbling wall as the sparks and dust settled.

Askungen slided gracefully down the slime trail into Tal Rashas chamber, which in fact was more like Tal Rashas lobby, and looked up on the mass of flabby meat that descended upon the grassroot groove. Kaylee wandered aimlessly to the right instead of engaging! Askungen cast a decoy and sprinted ahead to slow the maggot down with her flail but Ip had already engaged him. Duriel was juggling the barbarian between his claws in a terribly degrading way and no amount of healing potions could compensate for the imbalanced amount of damage taken. Askungen retreated to the town time and again but could never manage to get a foothold in the battle as Ip constantly rushed ahead and was slashed apart. And then Ip died. Duriel smote him into the ground with a hydraliskingly horrible hiss. Askungen felt sick (well, who wouldn't in that company) and stumbled into a town portal to sit down and bemoan all unfairness towards hired party members.

As for the rest of the battle, there is little to say. Without any hireling to disrupt the order of battle it was of course easy, if slow and unsettling, work. Askungen threw javelin after javelin and sprinted away from the maggot mongrel while casting decoys and resummoning Kaylee as distractions. Duriel generally failed to catch her and even for him it took some effort to punch through the damage reduction of Askungens armour. Once more, Ip could be resurrected and Lut Gholein would be safe. None the less, Askungen departed in shame and did not even bother to throw sticks at any randomly encountered angel.


____________________________________________________________________________

Telash: STOP! Time out! I protest!

Maltatai: Long time, no light. How fares the noble minister of energy of the social peoples party?

Telash: Not satisfied!

Maltatai: I am sure the readers would appreciate an insight into the hireling union complaints.

Telash: While we by all means endorse character development and socialising I seriously must protest about the way this tale impacts the view of us hirelings. Look at Askungens anguished anxiety for her melee tank...

Maltatai: They are after all supposed to be a couple so I hardly think that's out of place.

Telash: ...and Törnrosas incessant watch over her rogue scout.

Maltatai: But you have to admit that it is a bit of a feat to have managed to shield them in hell so far. Even if Ip died lately it is no small achievement to get a simple minded meleer past Andariel without the aid of curses or teleportation (and her amulet of that doesn't count because the casting speed of Amazons render it useless when under fire...under poison clouds).

Telash: Indeed! And that is a striking contrast to the treatment that I and Waheed have endured! What are we then, just arrow fodder?! And did anyone stop to regret the passing of the enlightened vigilant iron wolf? No! At most, a few smart remarks about engaging lightning immunes with lightning is what we can expect after our collective toil through the strength of our solidarical backs! Some sympathy wouldn't have been out of place, not to mention taking a bit of care to prevent our passing in the first place!

Maltatai: I guess any such ambitions sort of crumbled when you fell to normal Diablo. Besides, in those days there wasn't as much known about how to manage hell properly as today so everyone went about stiff with constant fear and had no time to look out for their mercenaries. But you must agree that Waheed in any possible case is and was a doomed cause from the beginning. Such a worthless AI. Barbarians are at least consistent in their behaviour and can pin some enemies in place with bashing and stunning.

Telash: Pathetic excuses! I will take STERN ACTION in this matter.

Maltatai: Defined as?

Telash: A STRONGLY WORDED COMPLAINT sent to none other than the UNITED MISSILE TROOPS, the UMT!
Maltatai: "Gulp" The horror! Over and out!
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Episode 15 (second half). The Negligible Storytelling Grossness
Maltatai: Had Askungen not been quite as quick to leave for the ship and had the storyteller not been quite so occupied by receiving complaints they would probably have heard a wide variety of noises coming from different places in Lut Gholein as the heavily armed and armoured light infantry went about their business.

Törnrosa treaded nervously through the stinking sewer tunnels. Nobody was allowed to know, but under her arrogant surface troubles and worries writhed and festered. In the history of Amazons and other heroes, none had heard of a rogue managing to stay alive as long as Floria. But danger mounted with every step. How could she be everywhere she needed to in order to guard that whimsical wisp of a scout from wandering into melees or exposing herself to barrages of bosspack arrows? Not to mention extra fast flanking attacks or lightning enchanted enemy leaders.

Despite what was evidently a foul union of the capitalistic and the environmental - no doubt linked to the obscene gold findings of that rascal Askungen - the enlightened party held together through the clearing of the sewers. Radament and his little army proved to be a troublesome and dangerous obstacle with lightning immune horrors but Radament himself was tardy in raising them and lightning passed through the pack to strike the burning dead and their mummified leader. The healing presence of the Angelic jewellery was comforting and calming as regeneration always tends to be. Foolish indeed is it, to venture underground absent such aid.

Floria the smartass helper had one of her regular lapses into obnoxiousness and came up with the suggestion that Törnrosa should try to be more appealing to the general elector crowd. A good start could be to have an open door policy to encourage spontaneous meetings with the rulers. Törnrosa replied that they had no doors to open yet, as Jerhyn the Jellybrain was still locking them out of the palace. Such a display of upstart capitalistic nonsense from a prat like the blue sultan was of course not unexpected. Lockout-ing people. How old-fashioned. Törnrosa in any way replied to Floria that since the only open door policy available here would be the policy of opening the trap door to the sewers, it was hardly worth dwelling on. Floria replied that it was at least a start and Petronella noted that the trap door would probably break, if one tried to build a dwelling on it or otherwise dwell on it.

Perhaps reclaiming the Lost City could be something to work with? Lut Gholein was after all a really small town and leading the people to a shining bright new future in a new and better city would be a charismatic idea. Also, this thing with leading a bunch of gullible fools...devoted followers of course, through the desert had a bit of a prophetly appeal to it. Unfortunately Törnrosa forgot the slight inconvenience that befalls those who would step into the lost city.

Törnrosa: Nooo! Not this insufferable eclipse again! The world should be illuminated, not fall back into the dark ages, by heaven! Where is the on switch for that sun?

Floria: You know last time when this happened. Then we had to turn the sun on in the...no, I mean turn the sun back online! In the snake temple anyway. I think it might be the same now.

Törnrosa: Yaaah! Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes!?

Petronella: They are actually not that common.

Törnrosa: They are too common! I hate commoners! I hate snakes, I mean!

Petronella: That is the druids line. Let's go now.

Törnrosa: "Shiver"

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Törnrosa: Down once mooore to the dungeon of my black despair, down we plunge to the prison of my mind! Down once more to this darkness deep as heeell!

Floria: Stop being like that. I go first. I'll stomp the ground to scare small snakes away and shout if I see claw vipers.

Törnrosa: No! That is way too obvious. Must think of something smarter...

Petronella: Hear the words of the once upstanding champion of lightly head on charges. That we should attempt to sneak in, in an underhanded fashion. How embarrassing. How embarrassing!

Törnrosa: SHUT UP!

Floria: If you would listen to such things now, I actually have a suggestion for a more discreet approach.

Törnrosa: Whatisit!?

Floria: I have a mask here that you could wear. If you are disguised like this you could hide in the shadows for a short time. You could sort of cause a mini-eclipse on your own against the snakes which would serve them right. Just activate the Nadir Mask as soon as you have descended the stairs.

Törnrosa: Godlyness! It's ugly! How did you come by this?

Floria: I had it made. It's a very well known tactic to use these things for stairtrap avoidance. You can read about it in many places.

Törnrosa: Hrm... I'll try this thing then.

Petronella: "Why you ask was I bound and chained in this cold abysmal place? Not for any mortal sin but the wickedness of my abhorrent FACE!" Bwahahaha!

Törnrosa: Track down that valkyrie she must be found...track down tack valkyrie she must be found... Too long she laughed at us! But now we know! The tanking of the valkyrie goes here...deep down below!

Floria: Stop quarrelling all the time! Just go carefully down the stairs and keep your eyes and ears open, you drama queens.

Maltatai: In the temple reception was a tedious porter with his head in the stars. He refused to allow entrance until proper forms had been filled in and applications had been signed and countersigned by Fangskin and Ancient Kaa the Soulless. Törnrosa was appalled by the bureaucratic stalling tactics - such a disrespectful invasion into her own exclusive domain! And what if it was just an elaborate decoy thing to put them off guard as the snakes approached? "Shudder"

No claw vipers slithered to the aid of the undead official. But wasn't there a faint hissing sound just behind the stone door over there?

Tönrosa: Aaaah! They're everywhere!

Floria: Calm down Rosie, we can take them. It's worked alright so far, look. Petronella tank in the doorways, I shoot and you strike detached elements of the enemy to make the lightning jump to the other ones with minimal contact.

Törnrosa: How many times have I told you not to use that nickname?

Floria: I'm afraid I forgot to count.

Petronella: Watch out, here comes another pack!

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Törnrosa: Slithering...all over me...all over each other...

Floria: I guess they...get very familiar with each other by staying in such a cramped space together for so long.

Petronella: Some even have the same names! Talk about lack of imagination. It's almost as if they were all members of an inbred snake house of nobles with some snake queen ruling all and deciding who got to marry who or something.

Floria: Could Fangskin be a girl?

Petronella: I've never thought of that....what do you think, oh mighty mistress?

Törnrosa: Fangskin..."shiver"

Petronella: It's really his fault we have to be here at all, you know... If he hadn't shut the sun off we could be doing something better instead. Like rescuing angels or something...

Törnrosa: Angels...

Petronella: Just saying.

Törnrosa: Tyrrie! Don't just stand there, move it! Hurry, we need to be done here some time!

Maltatai: There would indeed be danger downstairs. Being lightning enchanted, the salamanders of Fangskin would not be so easily disposed of. They could very well catch the intruders pinned to the wall near the entrance. Törnrosa donned the hideous hiding mask again to be able to hide in the shadows, which were quite deep down here. No claw vipers in sight. It was a discreet entrance except when Floria hit a stone with her left toe and jumped a bit on the other foot under muffled cursing. It was quite a shame that hirelings could not be equipped with any quality footgear. There were no bone warriors here but there were some embalmed to the north of the mound. Törnrosa hurried north to get into the corner with Floria in case of flanking salamanders. It worked well though and the embalmed soon fell. Excellent! A breach in the enemy frontline! Now the task would be much easier with the newly conquered terrain, which meant that Fangskins pack could be lured out with decoys.

Fangskin nested directly west of the mound, guarding the stairs up. His crew was tightly packed though, and attacked all at once. Petronella engaged with a decent expeditiousness but Floria, and therefore also Törnrosa, ended up dangerously close. When consecutive charges by the salamanders brought them even closer Törnrosa showed surprising tactical insight and left through a town portal. Instead of hazardly going back, she ran all the way from the lost city waypoint so her team coul descend from the stairs again, opposite Fangskins group. Now the salamanders could be lured out properly and Petronella engaged them all a good distance away from the others. Fangskin fell in a now textbook manner!

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Just to prove her superiority, the very relieved lightning leader decided that the ancient tunnels should be sacked now that they were at it anyway. Floria quietly thought that it was a poor decision but all went well despite the bad reputation of the place among the mercenaries. As a prize there appeared a mind-blowingly overpriced grand charm, requiring no less than 59 levels for a meekly 3 to strength and minimum damage. What a joke! Törnrosa did however manage to turn into something quite more useful using some dusty stored gems. While one has to steel oneself to disappointments as an adventurer, it is quite vitalizing when things go exceedingly well from time to time. But the people of Lut Gholein were still not notably impressed and just seemed to go about their business as usual! As if the sun would appear and disappear in a daily cycle?! Stupid indeed.

Törnrosa: Ignorant mob! What does one have to do to get their attention?

Floria: Could you try to maybe not be so demanding all the time? Find out what the Lut Gholeiners need help with and appreciate and benefit that.

Törnrosa: But that is so...vulgar.

Petronella: Then descend and illuminate their trivial little existence, oh beacon of righteousness. Lead the way to brighter ascendance!

Törnrosa: Now we're talking!

Petronella: I was sort...being sarcastic...

Törnrosa: Bah, no false modesty in my team! That is for peasants!

Petronella: Any ideas then?

Törnrosa: I know I have something noted in my notebook...let's see...

Petronella: The one filled with drawings of Tyrael (recently without his plate armour) and little sparkly hearts?

Törnrosa: ...N-no! Not at all! Now...ascension...awe...almighty...amthropology...here! Absolution! This is good! Offering the people absolution and forgiveness for their misdeeds and sinful lives!

Floria: How do you know they lead sinful lives to start with?

Törnrosa: Humans? Hello? It doesn't matter what philosophy or ideology or religion humans devote themselves to. Humans sin. Period.

Petronella: Like when...

Törnrosa: Not me of course!

Floria: Should we go around and distribute blessings and absolutions then?

Törnrosa: How low-tech... No, belay that. Absolutions should be done by mail order I believe. That is more efficient. And economical I hear. I guess it will take some good old impressive miracle to turn these small folk onto the right path. So let's waste no more time but clear out that palace cellar and claim the palace as our just reward!

Petronella: Shade! Pillows! Cool drinks!

Floria: Multitudes of very mercenary-unfriendly creatures...

Maltatai: The palace cellar was hard. Incredibly dangerous packs of horror archers horrified the areas and threatened to deed any character with a single volley. Lightning mages as well as immunities abounded. Against Seethe Web, Petronella had the honour of doing all the work almost on her own, at the other side of the bottleneck of a doorway. The horror mages on the lowest level took several minutes to lure out of their room into the waiting rogue arrows. Storming into that hall would most likely have been fatal.

Finally the shaky adventurers reached the nicely unguarded portal. It was quite mysterious how Jerhyn and his predecessors had required the aid of a corrupt passing mage to open it, since all you had to do was turn the little wheel at the top of it.

Elegant and celestial, the stylish Arcane Sanctuary. Here everyone could feel safe from the untrustworthy and uncivilised outside world.

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Törnrosa: What is that Floria!?

Floria: What? This? Nothing of special interest at all.

Törnrosa: "Eyes rogue sternly"

Floria: We WERE allowed to take whatever we wanted from Jerhyns palace. He says so himself.

Törnrosa: And you took...?

Floria: This is my pillow! It's excellent and you can't have it! You can go back and take one of your own.

Törnrosa: That's not my point. Why in all the world are you dragging a pillow with you on questing?

Floria: But I can't leave it in the town. It's full of suspicious characters like Elzix with his bandit past and shadowy gambling deals. Or what if Geglash spills drink over it? Not to mention the town guards with their worthless brains who always wander aimlessly in confusion. One of them might imagine that he is a stereotypical desert town thief and take my pillow just to stay in character.

Petronella: Can't we hide it here then?

Törnrosa: Here!?

Petronella: Yes. You always talk about how insufficient the lodgings are everywhere and unworthy of a divine harbinger or whatever, so the fabled Arcane Sanctuary with white marble floating in what looks like void but nobody can fall into all around it. Wouldn't that be more your style?

Törnrosa: Hmmm... Not too bad actually! I am pleased that my aura of clarity has at last inspired the team members as well. Continue to follow along this path, humble valkyrie, and you may yet reach true illumination.

Floria: But what if the Sanctuary gets invaded again by demons and ghouls and ghosts?

Törnrosa: It won't. We control all the access points and it was the summoner who brought it all here. Since our intellectual capacity outranks that of Jerhyn we will not be foolish enough to admit foreign casters here. And finally, it was not as if the monsters here posed any challenge. I have never had such a relaxing vacation before. Only two bosses in the whole place.

Floria: Yes, and one of them was called Puke Wolf, hihihihi....

Törnrosa: Yes, that was silly but why should anyone care about that name?

Floria: Oh, nothing special... Just something I heard.... We should get some furniture here later. It's so boring and stony now. And more pillows and blankets so my pillow doesn't get lonely.

Törnrosa: I will not have our sacred base of operations turned into a whimsical rogue bedroom!

Floria: It doesn't have to be the whole place, it could be just a small part. Pleeease?

Törnrosa: Stop looking at me with huge eyes and pouting lips like that. It is very irritating. Fine, you can decorate one wing. But no more.

Floria: Great! That will be Cosy Wing. Bordering it is Uptight Wing, Plate Maid Wing and Squabbling Wing, where we can have planning meetings.

Törnrosa: There will be no squabbling if everyone just do as I say. Why is that so unbelievably hard? Never mind, onward to Törn Rosas Tomb...Tal Rashas Tomb of course!

Maltatai: In the Canyon of Magi brutish and sweaty hairy hooligans would not listen to reason and mightily surrounded Petronella in an aura enchanted double bosspack. Several wise retreats were needed but eventually the troublemakers fell. The rest of the place was quiet as a tomb in comparison.

The tomb was on the other hand not quiet as a tomb. Very large enemies with very little brains had to be dealt with quite carefully and could inflict a disturbing amount of damage. In the vocabulary of humans, there is an ample supply of derogatory terms for such figures in probably any language. The despising of the overgrown and small-minded is actually a uniting factor for all humans in a sort of beautiful thought kind of way. Apart from those, ghoul lords and restless transparent spirits plagued the place. Törnrosa did of course shy away from most forms of transparency wanting first, to be seen as a solid leader figure, and second, desiring little to no insight into the workings of the administration of the rule. Floria again proved her great worth by giving the team ranged superiority and thereby forcing the enemy to advance from advantegous positions or crumble. This was mostly due to her duress armour and the prevention of healing from the opening of wounds it caused.

When the staff issue was about to be settled, Törnrosa remarked snidely that if the sultan had not been such a snake she could have broken that wall easily. A standard lightning strike at the staff was apparently all it took. What flimsy construction! No wonder if any random sidekick character could wander inside at will and deposit dark wanderers.

Unlike Askungen who slid down into the hole, Törnrosa jumped down and landed with a thunderous and very heroine sound that made for an excellent advertising poster. Unfortunately, just as she was about to get up and run forth she did slide, and landed sitting on the floor in the puddle of slime! How unworthy! Törnrosa anxiously thought of her fragile party members and how embarrassing it would be to lose one now and climbed up with the help of her javelin. Then she charged forth with the highest speed...so fast that she could not stop but glided on the floor with Sigons plated soles acting like ice skates. Törnrosa collided with Duriels belly which was by all means good padding but otherwise very abominable. She cursed him with the weakening smoke from her armour that rose as she channelled electricity to charge her spear strikes. Charged strike shines when the target is large enough to get hit by more than one of the bolts that are unleashed. And Duriel is, after all, fairly hard to miss.

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It was a shocking contest. Törnrosa blocked stubbornly and tore apart the bloated stomach that had previously cushioned her impact, in a very ungrateful manner. All her four healing and mana potions and one rejuvenation potion drained away...and then the great maggot crumbled like punctuated balloon (which on an unrelated note describes his inflated self quite well) and collapsed in an infamously scroll-of-town-portal-yielding pile. But that infamous result would not be the case this time.

In the icky remains of Duriel glittered a mask. Tal Rashas death mask found in Tal Rashas tomb next to the place where his own self also died! The suitability of this was so staggering that one had to pause and gasp for breath. Indeed, too great surprises may lead to severe shock. Floria immediately grabbed it since she was a discreet scout who appreciated the advantages of a disguise, thought the purple horns were fitting as she dealt both cold and fire damage, the mask outclassed the previous helm whose blinding had proved too short lasting lately and finally because Törnrosa would not touch such a generic and widespread piece of equipment. The fact that she herself wore three parts of Sigons Complete Steel would have told a lot about her sense of consequence if that had not already been known and obvious.

The loot was not shown a notable deal of attention by the leadership of the party, who had other things on her mind. One other thing at least.

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This disturbing thing with Baal impersonating Tyrael earlier did of course cause some disturbance in the relationship but since both parties were so sensible and wise (NOT...but they worked it out in some way still) they managed to clear up the matter eventually. Floria and Petronella was shut out of the room during the talk, by a newly carved stone door. Lightning has some very underused abilities when it comes to stone cutting (just look at the previously mentioned Horadric Staff). Floria and Petronella did of course listen by the door to eavesdrop at the best of their ability. The stone was thick so they could only hear fragments of the conversation.

Törnrosa: ...and I have been wondering about how much of Baals impersonation was, well, authentic, and how much was, sort of improvised...

Tyrael: Understandable, of course. But that is settled now, holy champion, is it not?

Törnrosa: Certainly.

Tyrael: Good.

Törnrosa: ...so you don't like to...?

Tyrael: No!

Törnrosa: Or...?

Tyrael: Appaling!

Törnrosa: Nor...?

Tyrael: You can not be serious!

Maltatai: Emerging through the very special portal that Heaven itself had conjured for its chosen champion (even if it looked just like other town portals) Törnrosa strode stylishly ahead to bathe in the rain of roses that would be thrown by the jubilant throngs lining the streets and basking in her divine appearance. Only...there was nobody there. A cat that rested on a box in the shade of Atmas tavern opened one eye and yawned with a bored meow.

Törnrosa: So! Neither restored daylight nor rediscovered tombs is enough to amaze these people? Ignorant and sceptical to the sandy bone I see.

Floria: Apparently most people of the town are very used to all sorts of adventuring characters. It's seen as almost a weekly occurrence so nobody raises even an eyebrow at it.

Törnrosa: About to be remedied shortly! For I discovered a most holy relic in the Lost City! This sacred note scroll, found in the ruins of the Marilyn Mansions - apparently some sort of estate - that seems to be just what you need to present yourself as the saviour and bringer of absolution that you are.

Petronella: I'm just not sure that Marilyn Mansion songs have the right, well, accessibility for the general crowd.

Floria: Are you going to sing it to everyone here? I think you sing pretty well but it will be a lot of singing if you are going to reach out to the whole population of the town.

Törnrosa: Ha! Mere singing is for minstrels! Make way for the mistress of light effects and electric guitar hero! Let's ROCK!!!

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Reach out and touch light!

Your own personal Ammy
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Ammy
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there

Wanderer unknown
Passed here all alone
Flesh and bone
And a red soulstone
Baal is the receiver
I'll make you a believer

I'm the very best
Put me to the test
You feel it in your chest
No need to confess
I will deliver
You know I'm a forgiver

Reach out and show faith!
Reach out and show faith!

Your own personal Ammy
Someone to make your day
What do you say
Your own personal Ammy
Someone who saves the sun
Isn't that fun
Reach out and show faith!
Reach out and show faith!

Your own personal Ammy
No longer unknown
And you're not alone
Light to the bone
Steady as stone
Choose me to uplift you
You know I have the gift to

I will enlight you
It will be my delight to

Praise me and touch light!
Your own personal Ammy
Praise me and touch light!

Praise me and touch light...



Petronella: No one told her "Ammy" is usually short for "Amulet" and not "Amazon"?

Floria: Evidently not.

Petronella: Perhaps that is just as well. This city has already one sultan too many. Over and out.
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Maltatai: Is everyone using that phrase these days!?
 
Drystan:
I'm sorry! I forgot. XD I didn't have time to read all of Ep 15 when you first posted, so put it off until I had time. I haven't caught up yet, but I'll get on it! Just want to say thanks for the posts, and keeping this up. I know your efforts may not appear to get much acknowledgement or appreciation, but I love the writing style, references, image edits and storytelling you do, so thankyou! Keep up the good work!
Maltatai:
Yes, there isn't a very notable interest in long stories in this forum. Still, I'd post the tales here rather than any other Diablo forum - and not just because the fan fiction forum is dead :).
About comments, on a broad scale, I've wondered sometimes if peoples customs change when new functions are introduced in forums (in our case exemplified with the like button)? Sort of "less writing, more button pressing"?
 
Episode 16. Arachnophobia
On the misty sea, one nautical mile off the Argentek River delta:

Floria: Again, this is scout Floria on...well, Meshifs ship...requesting that you divert your course 20 degrees south to avoid collision. Please?

Floria: This is scout Floria to unidentified vessel, please divert your course to avoid collision!

Floria: Unidentified vessel, please respond!

Törnrosa: This is Champion-of-the-light and Captain-of-the-best-war-party-ever Törnrosa speaking. You will divert your own course 20 degrees south to avoid collision, understood!?

Floria: No response...

Törnrosa: This is the...Meshifs ship, the largest vessel in the very navy of the light! You WILL divert your course or I will be forced to take measures to guarantee the safety of my chosen ship! What say you!?

Meshif: That is a lighthouse, mate. It's your call.

__________________________________________________________

Maltatai: As one can hear, the sea voyage had done nothing to dampen the spirit of the noble chosen of the angels and other self-righteous beings. But not for lack of trying, since the climate of Kurast was incredibly damp and misty.

Askungen on the other hand was in a very ebby mood, meaning low. Not only the past debacles in the desert but also the prospect of facing the most feared of spiders provided a gloomy prospect of future catastrophes.

Even the storyteller laid low at the moment and since his home town was in the worst stage of autumn mists and rain and was cold and damp, Kurast was slightly better since it was only damp. Also, and this was positively genius, he could hide from the wrath of Telash. Nobody would ever think of looking in the headquarters of the Iron Wolves, especially not Telash who was forever banished from that place and company! The only reason for visitors would be if one of the mercenaries would die, so in a way the militant threats made by the UMT had the desired effect of motivating a better watch being kept of the hirelings.

The green ones started their descent into the realms of maddening terror when Askungen accidentally stepped on one web cocoon which prompted a swift exit by the annoyed inhabitants.

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The dreadful sound of the Amazonian cry of terror caused Ip to automatically throw himself behind a stone wall for cover and Kaylee the valkyrie hurried to hide behind a nearby bush. It took several tense seconds before anyone dared to peek out.

Ip: Uhm, are we having a plan or something? Guys? I mean girls?

Askungen: On the count of three, we run for our lives to the docks.

Kaylee: Really? I think it's just a surprised little spider family. They're probably as scared of us as we are of them. Look, they're not going to eat us. They're going away.

Askungen: "shudder"

Kaylee: See? A friendly neighborhood spider man going away. Probably to do heroic things for the spider community or so. Nothing to be afraid of.

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Maltatai: Unfortunately the larger spiders were less tolerant to strange metallic clanking invasions of their forests and made their disapproval known in a firm manner. There were actually quite a substantial bit of grounds behind the sake of the spiders for the forest had been exploited in a most ignorant and intrusive way by the Horadrim for instance, when building transport infrastructure. Neither a preliminary council had been held with the spider inhabitants, nor had they received any kind of compensation for the appaling expropriation of their lands. As a true grassroot and greenling, Askungen wholeheartedly agreed that the transport policy had been flawed, even though she had a somewhat different perspective.

Once again the protagonists would have to look for the eye of Khalim. It was a bit unfair. Why couldn't, say, the eye look for them instead? It would probably be much better suited to do that - since it was an eye - than they were for invading a spider stronghold. Lazy old relics. No ambition among them these days.

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Now, one may for a brief moment be struck by the thought that the storyteller is exaggerating the danger the many-legged posed. Strike such thoughts from thy mind! For among the slippery walls of the spider cavern dwelt such foul, such evil leaders of delinquent devilry that ones step would falter! Which it would anyway because the floor was slimy and full of spider webs that made you trip. Anyway, the cavern was incredibly fearsome and terrible. Askungen decided wisely to take the long way around the centre to have more space to retreat to when facing the burning spider lord himself. It went decently to start with. The Hone Sundan yari proved fairly effective and the generals flail was quite helpful too. Then came the dreadful immune Steel Fang, obnoxiously posing a greenling himself! What an imposter! No weapon could harm him and he felt neither spinach nor Absenth smell. Askungen managed to cunningly lure him away to a pair of corpses which she blew up with the black flail but when she returned from recharging the weapon, the other corpses were gone! After a while Steel Fang had regenerated as well!

Askungens team did the shameful thing to retreat from that battle. They managed to bypass Steel Fang in the northern tunnels and could continue to clear out the central ones before going for the chest. One bosspack was interrupted in a most hilarious way when Askungen threw a decoy which caused the forerunning minon to trip and entangle itself in it and Ip tackled the leader so that it nearly fell to the ground. The confused spiders maggot consultant (who insisted that he was a flayer) had chosen a truly frightening combination of abilities but Ip did manage to keep the bug recovering and stunned and prevented all counterattacks in a stereotypical barbarian way. Now only the southwestern corner was left. Askungen cast decoys everywhere to lure out parts of the force. Some flame spiders took the bait and were slowed by her flail and bashed apart before the others could come to their help. And so the dreaded fight with the spider lord ensued. It did work out much better than expected and extensive decoying disrupted the enemy orientation. Ip managed to chase away Szzark the Burning eventually. Look how murderous he looks as he eagerly pursues the spider lord with his sword raised.

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When the eye had at last been recovered, Askungen also found what she claimed to be evidence of a much darker super villain plot. Then Steel Fang appeared AGAIN and the team hurried outside to get rid of his insufferable presence and analyze the recent findings in a cool and clear manner.

Askungen: I HAVE REVEALED THEIR EVIL MASTER PLAN!

Ip: Not so loud!

Askungen: Just like I have shared before, the spiders intend to trap us in a web encompassing all of Sanctuary! Now their plans lay bare for I have seen their work in shocking detail!

Ip: Please, calm down, take it slowly so even us barbaric members of the roots can follow.

Askungen: It has come to my knowledge...that there IS a worldwide web being spun! It tightens and grows with each passing second! No center is known and there appear to be million after million of spiders spinning it and plotting and scheming everywhere! In their supreme arrogance, the spiders have even innumerable addresses for different sites of their web, each beginning with the letters WWW - WORLD WIDE WEB! Just to gloat and rub their spinning project in the face of everyone. The arrogance is staggering!

Ip: But now we've got to have put a stop to that, in any case. So my eardrums can have a rest.

Askungen: Aren't barbarians famous for your ear-splitting war cries and booming boasts?

Ip: Yeah but those are OUR noises. It's a whole different thing.

Askungen: And why is that, I wonder?

Ip: Well, it's a... the tone and frequency is quite different. The Barbarian war cry is a sort of humming low base sound, while the Amazon one is, hrm, more like a high pitched shrill scream that pierces flesh and bone.

Askungen: Hm.

Ip: An interesting comparison can be made with the exclamation upon finding an interesting souvenir or giving voice to ones opinions regarding the local taste in belts and other fashion accessories. The difference from the moaning complaint about having to drink healthy but untasty nutritious supplements is notable, not only in volume, obviously, but also in tone. Not to mention the calculating and thoughtful contemplating tone when eyeing newly discovered pole arms with stupid names. If the thing would actually be some kind of catch pole or so I seriously doubt its combat effectiveness.

Maltatai: Since Kurast used to be the most built and developed part of the world and also the seat of far too many self-righteous self-styled supreme leaders of the world, many traces of royalist complexes and delusions of grandeur linger. The grand city of Kurast was guarded by Stormtree the walking tree creature, who dropped both a rare crown shield and ditto monarch. Talk about being full of himself, and of shields too.

But as we have all learned, the true rulers of Kurast and all surrounding lands are those that have eight legs and nest in burrows from where they spin their plots. In the random regularly occurring temples Askungen experienced the sinister slyness of the spiders as they attempted an unworthy stair trap! They had not counted with the even more low and cunning Nadir circlet which as always proved most useful for foiling such attempts. When the hired muscle had been cut through, the evil mind behind it could be uncovered. A spider magus of high standing! One who would not stop at anything but go so far as picking a name to insult the users of plague and poison javelins as much as possible! Puke Cloud, cursed be he, the follower in Puke Wolfs footsteps!

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It was probably something linked with those plotting spiders that caused the massive waylaying just outside the house in Travincal where the waypoint is. On the other hand, that house is somewhat obvious. It doesn't take a great deal of tactical analysis to point out the house and the causeway as the major routes of attacks and consequently where you should post most of the guards. In any case, Askungens party was faced by both a champion pack of hierophants and one pack leader of the same, along with their zealous minions. Their disturbing war cries prompted Askungen to name the lot "The Choir". Obviously negotiations would be even more out of the question now since that would mean preaching to the choir which is a stupid thing to do. Much more intelligent to brutally butcher the lot. It took a very long time due to the dangerous stacked ice storms and the healing. The zealots had to be lured away so that Ip could focus his damage on one of them at a time. The barbarian himself summed up the experience in a concise way.

Ip: Of all the vegetation I've had to cut through in this overgrown garden, this be the foulest of plants!

Askungen: Plants? What are you talking about?

Ip: These bushes here. The AMBUSHES! Brilliant, isn't it?

Askungen: "facepalm"

The encouraging display of Barbarian wit surely lightened the mood in preparation of the ordeal that lay before the grassroots. The corrupt Council of Zakarum. Feared they are among the hirelings and summons, who are regularly toasted by their hydras. But Askungen feared nothing, except that any council member would get away before she had had the chance to free the hydras of their despicable grasp. Under the cover of darkness and cloak of shadows, she had sneaked in and negotiated with them all, finally reaching the agreement that if they would refrain from harming her in the coming battle she would destroy all the enslaving councilors, smash the compelling orb they had used to lure hydras to them, and bring another box of cookies. It was obviously a properly negotiated compromise in the interest of animal welfare and disinterest of top-ruling bureaucracy. Irresistible!

The battle went well, but was a bit odd. The first councilor to be lured out was none other than Toorc Icefist, the notorious camper from the darkest corner of the room. Ismail Vilehand the cursing one was last to show up, which was obviously a relief. Many members dropped gigantic gold piles - evidently corrupted and bribed to the bone!

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A recurring problem in the Act was the presence of posers and pretenders appearing to be green comrades of grassroots and environmentalists but really being quite the opposite. Either sporting green coating or green auras, they fly the flag of the green ones so to say. It is a broad collection. Ranging...

Askungen: ...from environmental protection agencies slaying and torturing thousands of animals, ecological researchers responsible for devastating acre after acre of land, environmental parties defecting to foul corporate parties! All shall be drowned in Absenth and stewed spinach, gutted and stewed in green sauce, serve at subterranean earth temperature for worms shall feast on your corpses!

Maltatai: Not so loud, please! "Looks around in fear of UMT agents"

Askungen: Fear not, for I have vanquished Mephisto and cleansed this land of that foul blight!

Maltatai: Come again?

Askungen: Fear not, for...

Maltatai: No, I heard you. But you sound quite like...someone else that is very much your opposite. Are you sure that you are you?

Askungen: Well...yes? ...are you you?

Maltatai: I am. Because ships have bows and mice have smiths!

Askungen: Hmmm, consider your identity proven. Should I state some similar exclusive knowledge?

Maltatai: No, the smell is unmistakable...I mean, no it is not necessary at all! Anyway, why not tell a little about your travels down through the Durance of Hate?

Askungen: It started in the dullest possible way. We ran into a pack of cadavers who were by all means not very dangerous but they had a boss that was dual immune. I'm so fed up with those! This time I felt I really didn't have the energy to spare, so I actually ran past. Not advisable and slightly embarrassing but it is SO BORING battling them.

Hopefully those moments will be a thing of the past, for I discovered a most useful awesome present for Ip later in the confused maze of a basement. A Legend Sword with three sockets! Soon he will be able to wound the dual immunes with a malicious evil glare in his pretty eyes, once I have gambled a circlet with elemental damage for him. That also means I don't have to melee enemies I normally should stay away from, just because they happen to be invulnerable to our normal attacks. We also found a rare Kurast shield, which is odd because one would expect Kurast shield to be common in Kurast if anywhere.

Maltatai: How, hrm, has Ip been doing this Act, apart from lacking a new blade of legendary maliciousness?

Askungen: Extraordinarily well!

Maltatai: How nice to hear! I suppose we could use one or two flashing examples of the team mates exploits.

Askungen: Well, as we descended to the lowest level of the durance we faced the very risky task of breaking through the command staff of the Zakarum Church, Bremm Sparkfist and his secretaries. Said Sparkfist was a true fanatic and quite hurtful. I lured him towards the stairs up and then my whole party ran away to the other end of the corridor. From there I could run forth to hurl a javelin and then retreat, whittling his health down with minimal risk. Ip behaved very well and followed closely back and forth. On our path further inside we encountered a really handy shrine just like when we battled Radament for the first time.

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Askungen: What a superb shrine! I could whip Mephisto with my flail with superb accuracy, which served him right!

Maltatai: Let me see, charged with oil pollution again?

Askungen: And not only that but also expelling dangerous pesticides and poisonous substances all around him! Truly giving poison clouds a bad name!

Maltatai: While yours are, as always, ecologically certified and very environmentally friendly.

Askungen: Of course they are. How can that even be a question?

Maltatai: Yes that is really questionable. Let us proceed to the next question, the valiant tanking of Ip and Kaylee and the successful stand against the lord of hatred and the mind behind the absolutely despicable enslaving of hydras, thus placing him among the lowest of the low. Askungen kept a watchful eye over most of the battle and had a portal prepared if any swift exit would be needed. Luckily that was not the case, and the conflict did instead end in a much reinvigorating triumph for the greenlings and archetypical needlessly complicated barbarian finishing off enemy scene.

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Ip let loose a bestial roar and suddenly reached forward with his right hand, under the long flailing arms of the Prime Evil. His hand clenched around the protruding spinal column hanging down from the floating upper body of what may once have been Sankekur, now the host of the hateful occupant. Ip pulled the demon down towards himself with a mighty heave and when Mephistos head was in front of him, the barbarian expelled the air from his mouth in what was somewhere between a cough and a burp. The Prime Evil recoiled, with a grimace of otherwordly disgust, the moment before Ip crushed his skull with the pommel of the Coldsteel Eye.

Askungen: This thing about Barbarian breath bears some extra explanation. It is of course only under special circumstances that it can reach such heights of repulsiveness. This has to do with the quaint northern customs that are related to mixing drinks. As you may be aware of, the barbarians have the habit of mixing potions from the intestines of fallen enemies. This has a direct link to their drink recipes and tastes in that department. When such potions are used in a high concentration - such as for healing during a long battle - the effect on the breath sometimes appears nothing less than exponential.

Maltatai: But this has of course nothing to do wit any notion of environmental parties being more prone to drinking heavily than others. Absolutely not. Over and out.
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Episode 17. Slithering Sneaks
Maltatai: After a minor delay due to an insignificant petty detail which was only a simple maritime misunderstanding that probably happens to anyone approaching Kurast for the third time, the glorious group of gallant lighteous champions disembarked in the Kurast Docks.

There were no signs of any heretical green Amazons but they would be hard to spot against the green background in any case. Perhaps someone were hiding among the fruit in the market square. Anyway, screw them, Törnrosa thought as she turned her attention to more important matters...like how she should avoid all the horrible snakes that slithered across the continent. As usual, her team members were utterly daft and ignorant on the importance of the subject.

Floria: But these snakes are peaceful! Or at least harmless to us with thick boots! I mean, their teeth would just break apart and splinter if they tried to bite through your standard Sigon greaves...I mean your holy greaves that belonged to the legendary champion of Sigon whose spirit empower those of similar and also higher celestial worthiness.

Törnrosa: I don't care. They slither...creepy.

Floria: You did handle the claw vipers after all. Surely these minimal local snakes can not be any match IF they would attempt to eat you?

Törnrosa: But claw vipers are a third humanoid. That means these snakes have 50 % more snakiness compared to a claw viper! And in the rivers lurk terrible tentacle beasts that MAY be a sort of kraken thing with tentacles like limbs but also MAY be serpents with their head and tail sticking out of the water!

Floria: Then I will shoot them.

Petronella: It is obvious that our proud leader would rather desert us. Alas, we shall have to continue alone and leave her behind in the docks, with nothing but the FAINT HOPE that the weakening protection enchantment can keep river snakes from slithering up from the murky depths and invade the whole town...

Törnrosa: "Gulp"

Petronella: ...leaving her to climb the pyramid in a vain attempt to escape the whole slithering mass of thousands of snakes covering the patches of ground and littering the surface of the water, probably enough to make the pyramids foundations crumble from their collective weight, and her slipping closer and closer towards their slithering bodies and hissings maws with huge fangs everywhere...

Törnrosa: Shu-shut up! I'm coming with you, alright!?

Maltatai: Thanks to the gentle and considerate encouragements from her team members, Törnrosa managed to best her fears as they travelled a considerable distance. At least fifty meters. Then something moved in the river! What was that?

Törnrosa: Floria, what is that!?

Floria: What is what?

Törnrosa: That!

Floria: Oh, that looks like one of the completely not human-eating and more terrified of us than we of them coral snakes of the jungle...please try not to be too alarmed...

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Petronella: I'm coming. Just calm down now my lady and I will remove it...

Maltatai: The timely intervening maid pointed with the handle part of her pike and elegantly lifted the snake up, which hissed in an insulted manner as she carried it quickly to the deep forest next to the river bank. With the petrifying danger out of the way, the quests could continue.

The jungle was thick with trees and vegetation that blocked the path and tried to eat tresspassers alive. At least the hulking tree species. Törnrosa muttered angrily to herself that this was what you got for letting the petty little minds of ordinary grassroot people run wild without the guidance of those of superior grace and wisdom. While not very smart - as demonstrated when the tree leader Spine Horn forgot his title on his second appearance in a short time - the great speed of a frenzied tree made them very difficult to contain and control. Due to the size, there was usually at least one that passed Petronella and the quickly popping decoys which upset the immaculate order of battle in a quite irritating manner.

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Even if the trees were not lightning immune they had much life and could be risky to engage, especially if being minions. More often than not, the not so proud leader had to resort to artillery strikes, meaning Floria. Curses, extra speed or fire enchantments all made melee engagements a very repulsive alternative. Occasionally, the jungle terrain was helpful but most times the river banks provided a space that was more or less ideal for a pack of five or six trees. Especially the teleporting bosses were quite scary. At any time, one might teleport right next to Floria and hammer away which would lock her in place. Why couldn't someone cut them all down and build an orderly park or something instead?

Worst of all enemies above ground was the spiderly arch-tree in Upper Kurast. Unlike his - or probably more like hers - incompetent precursors, Black Widow did indeed teleport behind the lines of the light team. With the stoneskin, it took ages to bring down the mountain of health and the fire enchantment both prevented Törnrosa from engaging and Floria from doing much damage with any of her attacks. While open wounds was crucial as always, not even it sufficed to prevent regeneration from the teleporting. Black Widow landed on Floria at one point which provoked a panicked retreat and drinking many rejuvenation potions. So draining were the encounters with Black Widow and other thrashers that Törnrosa retreated to Act I to harvest more purple potions, an attempt she gave up after four bosses had dropped none. Tedious raiding when another thing is the main objective is surely the path to deeds.

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The next monster to be worthy of note was of course the notorious gloam. Hurling bolts of lightning like an evil twin being and mockery of oneself. Immune to the holy strikes of heavens righteous lightning and resistant to the brutish pummeling of spear and forehead.

Floria: But not to the Florias Flaming Flurry of Fantastic Friend Felicity Fire! Boom!

Maltatai: As you can hear, the rogue spirit was undiminished by these encounters. Along with ghosts, gloams are one of the departments in which fire damage truly shine, a welcome reward between the ridiculous piles of fire immunes that litter the ranks of hellish demons...who of course would not be expected to be able to endure fire being native to flaming rivers or anything...

Floria: Just so! GLOAM BUSTERS!

With a sudden flash
in your jungle-hood
What can it be?
Gloam lightning!

If there's something wrong
and your sparks no good
Who you gonna call?
GLOAM BUSTERS!

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I ain't afraid of no ghosts
Gloams are gonna be toast

"Törnrosa clutches her ears to escape the instrumental part that sounds like two rusty armour plates grinding against each other"

If you're seeing things
'Bove the river bed
Who can you call?
GLOAM BUSTERS!

An invisible man
sleeping in your bed
Who ya gonna call?

Törnrosa: THAT'S TYRRIE!

Floria:

To think the repulsive old gloam
Was born from this rivers foam

"Törnrosa dons her old magic finding great helm and punches it in a vain attempt to blot out the instrumental part"

Who ya gonna call?
GLOAM BUSTERS!

If you're all alone
we've invented no phone
but call
RÖD-LUVAN!

Raise your cups in a toast
Drink up you boys and girls
Tested all by our host
Free drinks for all!

Törnrosa:

When you gonna stop?
SHUT UP NOW!

Floria:

If you've got too close to a
freaky ghost baby
You better call
ROGUE FLORIA!

Lemme tell ya something
Shootin' makes me feel good!

"Törnrosa bangs her head against the pyramid of the Kurast Docks to make her helm chime like a bell and drown every other sound"

Törnrosa: STOOOOOOP! ENOUGH!

Maltatai: Actually, the song isn't finished, it contains about a dozen or so outcries of "gloam busters!", "rogue Floria!", "bow masters!" or just about any other word combination that can be squeezed in into that exclamating melody. I suppose since the patron saint of potion parties was included one should add "lewd whistling!" and "let's eavesdrop!" as possible outcries as well...yes, hrm, so now that that is settled there is no need to hear the rest of the song...

Floria: "Pouts and looks up with large eyes"

Maltatai: ...RIGHT NOW, BEFORE we have had time to assemble a proper stage so that everyone can hear and see properly. Let's not spoil their surprise too much.

Floria: "Looks happier"

Törnrosa: Heaven save us all... "drops down"

Maltatai: And if anyone wondered, Törnrosa has for once very good reason for her dramatic behavior because Floria has the voice of at least three background choir girls simultaneously shouting "GHOST BUSTERS!". Also, there was actually one situation where not even the fuming fires of the rogues sufficed, because the gloam in question was so confused and thought it was a flayer instead, so it forgot that it should be sensitive to fire as well as that it should be immune to cold like flayers are. Anyway, it was a well thought out defense arrangement against most attacks but open wounds and valkyrie pointing could still overcome the it.

It was a scary moment when Törnrosa at one time engaged another boss creature behind a tree so that the lazy author failed to spot the fire enchantment. Boom! The boss in question was probably a smaller creature, at least not a hulking tree, which was fortunate for the continued existence of the light protagonist. Her internal organs did still file a formal protest and relocated to the wrong places in her body, shivering with fear and panic. After repeated promises to herself about taking it slower in the future things calmed down and her heart rate decelerated to that of only anguished terror.

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So much for enjoying the open and natural environment! Hopefully the civilized temple complexes of Kurast would hold more accommodating inhabitants that would be open to the illuminating grace of the Heavens. The stormy tree had his saplings lured out and shocked one at a time and was himself surprisingly easily tanked by Petronella. As she viewed the welcoming ape skull that adorned the gate into Lower Kurast, Törnrosa had the odd thought of if she should make some kind of spiritual reflection about things she had learned or discovered in the jungle. She stood thoughtful for a moment. What had they discovered in the jungle? Mud, of course. And too dense vegetation. Mosquitos. Absurd midgets that attempted to cook and flay you. Slimy spiders and their webs in which you could trip. Two Horadric Waypoints that were placed within eyesight of each other...and she had thought Cain was losing his grip...he now seemed like a paragon of clarity among the Horadrim...

This thing with a compelling orb had a certain appeal. How about if she could capture it, or create one herself? Incredibly easier if people could just do as they were told! No stupid wise guys interrupting with meaningless antithesis' - meaningless, for any thesis needing the molding with another to achieve perfection would be flawed from the beginning which was out of the question when she had thought them out. On the other hand, there wouldn't be much sport in that. And then there was the issue of the completely crazed lunacy of the followers of Zakarum...was it a side effect of the orb or had they always been like that? Perhaps that lost book of Alkors could shed some light on the subject? In any case, the heretical temples should be stomped out and their foul blasphemy eradicated. Bow to Törnrosa!

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The book did not hold the answers. In fact, it contained page after page of what was apparently some sort of book keeping. It appeared to be the receipts and contracts of some sort of slave trade movement! Törnrosa pondered at the thought for a moment. Could this really be true, and not just a fake book or decoy left by malicious demons. How would she tell?

Naturally! Oh, uhm, Lightningly, that is. As for all protagonist heroes, the letters of the name of the book would guide her. She would just have to rearrange the letters of the words Lam Esen and then she would have the answer. These anagrams were quite handy sometimes. Let's see...Lam Esen...

LAM ESEN

LA SE

MEN

MEN SALE

Rödluvan: I volunteer!!!

Floria: For what?

Rödluvan: The daring rescue mission of course! I'll save those poor studs...souls! It's no bother at all. You need not trouble yourselves with this deviation, you can spend the time in the Pandemonium Fortress instead and sing and talk to Tyrael and water pot plants and whatever it is your drama queen mistress does.

Snövit: I wonder if the notes don't refer to the trapped barbarians? Anyway, I don't think we can interfere with the Javazon Realm really.

Rödluvan: But if this is a bonus side mission maybe it won't work like that! It might be that is how the whole operation has been kept a secret? Anyway, I'll pack a whole batch of nice potions to restore strength and spirit of any poor captive and could obviously easily fire up a soothing warm bath with my exploding arrows.

Snövit: "Raises eyebrow"

Rödluvan: Everyone knows that everyone enjoys a warm bath after being rescued from evil captors. It is very healthy for your body too, for relaxing. An incredibly important thing to do.

Maltatai: Can we get back to the story? Thank you. "Ahem". As Törnrosa stood by the pulpet where the tome had rested, she contemplated the discovery she had made. "Men sale"! The anagram divine intervention worked yet again! Obviously Alkor was involved in some way, or was he? In fact, he could be posing as a mad alchemist but in truth be a secret investigator in disguise. Let's try again, then.

ALKOR THE ALCHEMIST

...


LETS MAIL TO HACK HER

Conspiracy! Ambush! Sneaking! Snooping! Hostile takeovers! Hostile work environment! Törnrosa immediately summoned her minions...trusted friends...and informed them of the dire discovery. Gambling would have to be out of the question for now and the buying of potions from alchemists should be minimized. Floria should have to burn all incoming mail with her flaming arrows...creating a veritable fire wall to ward of hostile mail. Not that she had a very overflowing inbox but it was the principle that count! The honourless curs of demons! Not able to stand up to the divine chastisement she would deliver, they would seek to turn against the very foundations of Sanctuary and corrupt the innermost being of the whole world! Who could be behind this trap? The council of course! Frankly, Mephisto was too blinded with hatred to be that smart. Onward!

More traces of the foul corruption and commercializing of the church were soon found. A leading hierophant sported bright capitalistic blue garments, and a council member dropped a magical blue mancatcher! Hard evidence! The council members were strong and dangerous but fell to the sublime tactical skill of Törnrosa and her noble army. Lastly, Geleb Flamefinger was cornered, literally, despite his extra strength. Just like the gloam chief earlier, he sported a cunning combination of magical defense but was insufficient against brutish slugmaiden force and opened wounds. Törnrosa directed the battle majestically from the generals position in the army.

With malicious glee she smote the compelling orb. Purge and cleanse it all! Down with the hackers! Down with her too! To meet Mephisto, that is. Brutish maulers and badly behaved dolls littered the area. Worst of all was the darkness. How could anyone plan properly in this gloom? Even the cadavers and dark lords, the only safe targets for her to engage, felt a bit too resistant to her lightning strikes. The grinding journey down to the third stair was exhausting. When she got down, Törnrosa spied the area carefully and had Floria do the same. The first corridor was empty, which was good but it was as always prone to being cut off in the middle by the enemy. Törnrosa cast a decoy just behind the gate to the interior of the level. Immediately, foul demonic hydras sprang up and ate it. Bremm Sparkfist the foul lightning imposter rushed into the corridor with his cronies and the ground was writhing with hydra heads. These looked particularly snakelike! The light team retreated to the west wing, away from the stairs up. The council memebers were resistant to lightning and followed quickly. With the multiple hydras around, it was impossible to gain control of the situation. Törnrosa was being pinned in a corner and all hydras breathed their fireballs at Floria! The rogue was being burned apart and Törnrosa managed at lightning speed to appeal to higher powers who swept them safely back to the docks, saved and exited out of the maws of danger.

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Now they had to redo the whole thing again! Or on second thought not nearly the whole thing because as always, the stairs down are the last thing you find and now they knew the way. Sort of. It did still not go well. Very soon the team had to retreat before a group of merciless maulers led by a disgusting environmental collaborator! Black Venom! The next moment the monster would probably don a black spider humanoid outfit and start throwing poison javelins with the venom grip unique demonhide gloves, like a simple mob rousing grassroot! Eventually, cornered at the waypoint, the champions of lighteousness defeated the dark monsters and could continue.

The second round with Bremm and his ilk was equally violent as the first. This time Törnrosa picked the ground closest to the stairs up. Hydras and councillors rushed ahead but Petronella managed to engage Bremm and Törnrosa frequently cast decoys to block the hydras from hitting Floria. At long last, Petronella skewered the demon on her pike and jumped up and down on his head just to be sure.

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Mephisto the great evil ruler looked up from his latest project. He had been working for quite some time with a new way of communicating between various outposts of the Burning Hells, like the weird dead ends that Baal favored for unknown reasons. Now he had constructed a gigantic network powered by yew wands, using their empowerment of attract and confuse curses along with various demonic infrastructure. He called the invention yewtube, and was quite proud of the catchy name. Already the lord of hatred feasted on the meaningless hate that clogged the commentary fields. Yewtubers were fine disciples, managing to turn the simplest of topics to flame wars and hate orgies. Who was this then, who came to disturb the peace?

Oh, damn....not her....Baal, you indiscreet idiot...

"MY BROTHERS HAVE ESCAPED YOUUUUUU...THE COWARDLY HALF-ANGELS!"

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Just to be on the safe side, Törnrosa had brought out the dreadfully generic but oh so practical generals flail. After a few lashes, Mephisto slowed down and was easily controlled. Quite the opposite of Duriel, he proved far easier than expected and crumbled apart like an old speaker system after recording the collected singing of Törnrosa and Floria. His agonized death cry echoed in the room.

"BAAL YOU WORTHLESS STYGIAN SLIME OF A BROTHER!"

Now however, the demons could breathe a sigh of relief. With the shiny and tidy and clean fortress with a neat fireplace and polished angel, there wouldn't be much seen of that Amazon in the field any time soon. Probably. Maybe. We shall see in the next episode. Over and out.
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Episode 18. The Death of Floria
Maltatai: Dearly bemoaned, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Floria, the beloved and berated rogue. Ever her life and health was a source of pride and happiness among her comrades in arms and a saving grace when times were hard and gloams and fire enchanted enemies lurked ahead.

Through normal duties and nightmarish nights she stood strong, and from west to east in the hellish place that Sanctuary had become she prevailed. Countless were the times when Petronella could do no harm and Törnrosa could not engage. Immunity was not an issue for the rogue who lived. Across the burning and dusty hell she followed faithfully in a single questing session. Not even a rogues tracking skills sufficed to catch a glimpse of the green party they pursued, if halfheartedly and more as a secondary objective these days, for through endless running back and forth and great care, Askungen and Ip had made it to Diablo and survived his terrorizing wrath.

When the last seal was activated Floria did so well and followed behind in the sprint to the middle. Quickly did the lord of terror crumble to a pile of ash as she stood discreetly at the side and watched. Never had the demon been slain quicker or cheaper.

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Across the northern lands Floria shivered from the cold and showered the enemies with arrows when they got too bold. Gloams of the frozen river evaporated with screams and skeletal packs fell apart. Succubi packs were shocked by the lightning quick rushes of Törnrosa and Floria stayed out of melees for most of the time. Grand were the moments when Frozensteins pack was blocked on the bridge and Thresh Socket fell to the ground. Scores of javelin throwers were struck down by jumping lightning strikes and the tallest of minotaurs succumbed to charged bolts.

So stood the companions on the Arreat Summit and plans were laid out. If only the ancient could be separated, or just all engaging Petronella, victory would surely be theirs. If they could run long and fast around and around the summit. The first time went bad but Törnrosa opened a portal and rerolled. The second and third times were worse and curses and fanaticism struck fear into the hearts of any spectator. Upon the fourth try Törnrosa made a run south and then west and north along the rim of the summit. Up to the northern edge her party members followed but so did the ancients. East and south she sprinted and outpaced the pursuers. Suddenly Petronella teleported to her side and only Floria was left. And Floria never came. Her health bar was full and the next second she was gone, despite being so far away enemies would not normally engage. Unforgivable it was to not cast a portal long before that and even more so to fail to acquire a staff of teleportation, with well over half a million gold stashed. No one knows exactly what happened to the rogue and no body was found, but Törnrosa lost all her spirit and stood for the most of the battle behind a pillar that the simpleton Madawc threw axes at, and succumbed to her sorrow, as Petronella peeled apart the ancients armour and bodies.

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Never have a hireling lived so long and sung so lively. We are filled with shame of having failed to look after her and tormented by neverending regret over not preparing well enough before the battle with the ancients. May we never forget our tremendous failure and the loss of the dream of an everlasting rogue.

Petronella: "Sniff"

Törnrosa: "Stares emptily ahead"

Floria: Can I get up now?

Törnrosa: No! You should stay in bed for at least a couple of weeks! Heavens know what dying might have done to you.

Floria: But I feel fine. You were so kind and had Tyrael resurrect me (just to have it done extra properly). It's like a minor religious figure being raised again by divine powers, isn't it? And now that we have chased that icky old Baal back to whatever unreachable plane he came from there is no danger here to be scared of, is there?

Törnrosa: I still don't think you should be up and running too much. What if you overexert yourself? If it hadn't been for that impossible ghoul lord I would have let you stay in bed. Goodness, you almost got killed again a dozen times!

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Floria: But I didn't. For you and Petronella blocked. And you even rushed serpent magi when we were stairtrapped in the lowest level! That was very brave of you since you think snakes are scary!

Törnrosa: No more than I deserve...worthless negligent betrayer of a leader...

Floria: No! Shame on you for saying that! Who could have foreseen that people should start to disappear suddenly from off screen like that? When it never happened before?

Törnrosa: I should have. Obviously. Since I am the leader.

Floria: But you couldn't! You did the things you could. You have hurled yourself toe to toe with the most dangerous o prime evils without a seconds hesitation. You slew Diablo without drinking a single purple potion or going to town even once! You tanked Baal and stood in his way when he tried to burn me up and threw all your purples to me! That means you are a good leader and a good person. If a little commanding and domineering at times.

Törnrosa: Commanding?

Floria: Yeah... Well, you always want to do everything your way, which is kind in a sense because it means doing stuff so others don't need. But you don't always listen to how other people want to do things.

Törnrosa: Other people are inefficient. It's a waste of time.

Floria: See? This is the point, even when they are inefficient and perhaps wrong you should listen to people.

Törnrosa: But people don't want to be listened to. They want things done so they wont have to take responsibility and wont have to trouble their minds with hard issues. That's why a feeling of inclusion and responsibility and such is one of the things you should deliver as a ruler but the actual ruling should be left to those better suited for it. Like me.

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Floria: Sooo...what does the high ruler command? What if the fearsome green-blue-red triumvirate of populistic peasant politicians are hatching new plots even as we speak?

Törnrosa: Hm. I hadn't thought much about them. But that would obviously lead to disaster if it meant them gaining any notable influence.

Floria: A shame we don't know anything about that. It could come as a complete surprise at it is now...

Törnrosa: I suppose, yes.

Floria: So don't we need to do something about that? We need to be ready and alert and omniscient in our illumination.

Törnrosa: Of course.

Floria: Just as I thought! It's high time to spy on the enormous victory celebration near here, bye!

Törnrosa: Hey! I didn't mean... You mischievous...

Floria: Don't shout or you'll ruin my disgui-i-i-i-ise!

Petronella: Hehehehehe...

Törnrosa: Oh, quiet, you slugmaid!


Maltatai: Soon the large beach party had a new arrival and Floria was greeted overwhelmingly by the rest of the guests and the three hosts. Ip was the first to welcome her.


Ip: My condolences. I have been told you are apparently a ghost haunting us by now.

Floria: No! Not you too! I'm alive.

Ip: Just kidding. Actually, I saw the whole thing, and you really made a terrific show even if you lost that one round. If you ask me, that was bloody cheating, going at you so far off screen. Damn grannies.

Floria: Thanks. I don't remember it clearly, sadly.

Ip: Tell you what, if that pompous archangel of your ever-ordering mistress is so infatuated with her, couldn't you have him send the ancients to hell? Now that there is no Worldstone in need of guarding, they sort of serve no purpose except to pester and torment anyone younger, which is pretty much the whole world.

Floria: That's...that's AWESOME! Ip, you're a genius! Tyrael sending the ancients to hell, that's priceless! And boy, if Törnrosa will press the point, since they managed to do me in. Tyrael won't have a moments rest before he's done what she asks! Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to ask, how did your own battle go?

Ip. It went alright.

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Floria: WOW. That's...some sort of new record isn't it?

Ip: Guess so. Not sure whether she actually drank that potion during the battle, even. But we got very lucky. Stoneskin and mana burn on both Korlic and Madawc and lightning and mana burn on Talic. And probably pretty weak equipment rolls on them all. Not at all like the packs you met. Korlic was nearly unkillable because I had left my bleeding malicious sword in town but we got him in the end. Lucky those slimes don't heal. I actually managed to beat up Talic really good and tank him completely. That felt nice.

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Snövit: Hey Floria!

Ip: Catch you later. I'll be by the salad table.

Maltatai: The bowazons, who have always looked upon Floria as a mini-bowazon herself, were equally eager to berate the underhanded ways of her opponents and wholeheartedly supported Ips suggestion of sending the ancients to hell.

Askungen was just about to tell the tale of her battling through the Worldstone Keep after the fabulous triumph on the summit. No less than three out of the four levels held sirens, the winged witches that cursed from a distance and bombarded from far away with their hurtful balls. They were quite the nightmare for Ip and her, especially due to their ability to skirmish and draw the enemy into waiting reinforcements. Paired with these creatures came minotaurs, doom knights, assailants (the improved sand raider) and flayer packs. It was nearly as bad as the frozen river where claw vipers, sirens and reanimated hordes had provided a monstrous combination with sirens being long range artillery and the charges of the other creatures being hideously dangerous when cursed. In fact, when retreating and cursed one or two undead might have woken up!

Not only that, for among the icy caves were placed terrible traps that contained the vilest of foes, as Askungen discovered above the surface. Wisely, she never opened one after that experience.

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Of Baals minons, Achmel the cursed was by far the most difficult. Cursed and with holy freeze, which made a maddening pair with Baals decrepification, and with his poison aura, he took many assaults to bring down. Ips malicious blade proved very important to prevent healing. After Achmel came a true shock. There were still enslaved hydras among Baals council members! That filth! Askungen was of course immune to them, now more than ever with maxed fire resist and dual dwarf stars. Ip was more sensitive but well placed decoys and tactically sound use of cloaking saved him from most of the fire. The last hydras were free! They gratefully wrapped themselves around Askungens legs like some cats tend to do. Ip suggested that she could do an advertising poster with the hydras sitting on her shoulders and in her hands and roaring at the sky. And why not without clothes now as well? Typical of those lewd barbarians. Or certain red amazons. Such a picture would never appeal to any broader audience or public. Obviously not.

Earlier in Act V Askungen had made a most useful discovery in the shape of the Laying of Hands. That was accounting for her high fire resistance, something that had earlier been a problem area for her. Up until now she had never quite had the opportunity to experience the power of that demon damaging. When a couple of Ventars demons strayed too far it was a suitable opportunity. Askungen already stabbed very fast with her jabbing (40 % from the harpoons) and with the additional 20 % from her new gloves things went so fast that said venom lords were locked in hit recovery, flashing recovering poses. It was most satisfying.

Lister was no joke, though. Fire enchanted and stone skinned, and with enormous poison resistance. Ip could for some weird reason seem to do bleeding damage. Askungen made him swith between his slowing coldsteel eye and malicious legend sword to sustain both bleeding and slowing. It was a long and scary waiting, but not as long as against Korlic. On the way back to Baal, now with flail and yari, they encountered a few straggling minions of destruction. Outclassed. After a few slashes with the slowing flail they broke apart like paper under the crushing jabs of the Hone Sundan. It boded ill for the lord of destruction.

Askungen ran west, for the place between the rows of pillars where her comrades could catch up. Not many appendages blocked their way but Baal cloned just as they approached. Askungen portaled to town and back to make it disappear. Sadly it didn't. Perhaps some distance to the clone was necessary? The grassroots ran back towards their starting position and tried again. Now it was gone! Askungen jumped at Baal and whipped menacingly with her flail. The festering demon staggered and stumbled, as if hit by his own decrepification curse. Ip had caught up and started to cut away the defenses with each slash of his blade while Baal appeared stunned by the viciousness of the assault. Seeing how it all appeared to go so well, even though they had hardly hurt the demon, Askungen brought forth her crushing yari. With jab after jab finding their target (left defenseless by Ips malice) Baals health dropped at a stunning rate. He teleported away, broken and feeble, but his relentless pursuers caught him against a pillar and surrounded him. Then Ip managed to open a wide gash along the demons chest. Askungen cast her inner sight and effortlessly hit it with her yaris tip, impaling Baals rotten hydra enslaving heart. Gone was he from the world of environmental grassroots!

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Snövit: Good gracious, I mean good grassroots! You have grown into quite the savage demon hunter these last few levels.

Rödluvan: Must be the barbarian wildness rubbing off I reckon. Virtually crushing the foe with that broadbladed spear. It certainly brought the Laying of Hands demon damage to bear better than the Kuko Shakaku.

Askungen: Why, thank you. Although I'm not sure how you mean by rubbing off.

Rödluvan: Oh, just that you crush the foe and stun them into hit recovery like Ip tends to do...it is such a cute thought with him teaching you how to be more barbaric and you telling him all about Lycanders edible plants and feeding little baby hydras that cough smoke on you...

Askungen: You do spend a disturbing amount of time imagining your company in private situations.

Rödluvan: That's what friends are for! Besides, may I point out the new plans for a catching and engaging political propaganda poster suggested by Ip himself? An advertising poster is surely public. Like this one.

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Askungen: That was just an idle thought. It is not a plan. Can't you bother Floria instead?

Floria: Me?

Askungen: Yes, why don't you interrogate her about the observations of Törnrosa and Tyrrie instead?

Floria: Askungen, you moron! Now I will never have a moments peace.

Askungen: "Smiles brightly"

Rödluvan: That is actually a great idea! I really want to hear the latest research report of the famous amthropologist and secret spy! Tell us all embarrassing details. I'll go and get drinks and...

Floria: I trust they are normal drinks and not your own kind of party drinks!

Rödluvan: Would I be so absent minded as to confuse them? By the way, I have ideas for a variation of Florias Flowery Flame I want you to test later on. You are Floria after all so you are of course the authority on that blend...

Snövit: Trust me, the easiest way to shut her up is just telling a story.

Floria: I haven't actually observed so much. Although, now that I think of it, Törnrosa did find the Nightsmoke belt when she had slain Diablo. It was very good with increased resistance overall even if the fire resistance suffered before Malahs reward for saving Anya, but the main thing is this energy it gives when you take damage. Together with the Angelic amulet that makes it an astounding 70 % of damage taken going to mana.

Rödluvan: What has this belt got to do with anything?

Floria: The point is, Petronella made a very funny joke about it. Since Törnrosa gains energy from taking damage in battle, what will that have done with her personal life and hers and Tyraels relationship and love life?

Rödluvan: "Looks at Snövit"

Snövit: "Looks at Rödluvan"

Askungen: "Looks at Ip"

Ip: "Looks at Askungen"


Maltatai: Some distance away, Petronella fell over laughing as one of her valkyrie colleagues relayed the conversation through divine valkyrie communication linking. She could not even manage to stand when Törnrosa herself approached, carrying something in her hand.


Törnrosa: Will you be a little quiet? This operation requires calm and concentration.

Petronella: Ope...ration?

Törnrosa: Yes. A pity that Floria ran away. As I told you earlier, the nightmare attack that, hrm, backfired and was hijacked by Baal the false, was but a diversion buying time for Tyraels superb master plan to neutralize all these worldly rabble leaders. Here I have the countermeasure for them all!

Petronella: A golden...apple?

Törnrosa: Yes! And with an inscription; "to the greatest of all Amazons, the only one who can destroy this apple"! Driven by their vanity, they will all break apart into squabble about who is the best one and their heathen unity will fall to shreds! In that wake, I shall sweep down with my activated Angelic Wings (impractical to activate in combat) jewelry like the saving grace I am and lead everyone to glorious illuminaton and divine order!

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Petronella: A golden apple. That is so stupefyingly...old fashioned..."facepalm".

Törnrosa: Nonsense. All shall bow to Törnrosa! BWAHAHAHAA!
Maltatai: Over and out.
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Atratees:
Your best yet, man. Great stuff.
djmbbandie:
Can we get an epilogue?
Great ending.
Maltatai:
Welcome to the forum Atratees! Always an honour to have the first post :)

I have a bit of stuff left that would fit in an epilogue but it will have to wait a while. I have written a bit too much during Christmas holidays and earlier in december. My new years eve vow for last year was to finish this story and Another one of mine, and I got incredibly busy the last weeks. I'm never going to make a similar vow in the future. Totally worthless to feel rushed when writing.

[thread=867045] Guardian thread for Askungen [/thread]
 
Episode 19. Epilogue...or something
Maltatai: The summer vacation is going fine on the Amazon isles and everyone is relaxing after yet another world resetting demon invasion and awaiting news of Tyraels completion of the task of sending the cheating ancients to hell. And not even the last desperate attempt from Törnrosa to instigate unrest can break the jovial and benign cheerful atmosphere here...right?

Snövit: But of course not!

Rödluvan: That would be really immature, bickering over an inscribed apple.

Askungen: Certainly so. Quite unnecessary.

Snövit: Could not have put it better myself. We all know the answer anyway.

Askungen: Indeed, we certainly do.

Rödluvan: And there can be no doubt what it is.

Snövit, Rödluvan and Askungen: "Looks sternly at one another"

Maltatai: Here we go again...

Rödluvan: I mean, it is obvious that fire is the way to deal with these kind of cursed golden objects that are meant to corrupt good heroes and such. Melt it down and be done with it. Simple and elegant solution and also allows for a flashy ending scene with the heroine walking away from a huge explosion carrying her crossbow leaning against one shoulder.

Snövit: Of course not! Dear, dear, everyone even remotely acquainted with the physical mechanics of Sanctuary know that it is ice that is the way to go to utterly stomp out and melt down any enemy object so it can never be assembled again. Besides, fire is the most common immunity and likely not optimal here...after all, is it not sudden frosts that are the greatest danger to fruits and plants?

Askungen: No it is not. It is poisonous mouldy blights, just like poison is the most dangerous damage type. A resistant enemy may stand against an infinite number of fire and cold attacks while regenerating but all will succumb to poison in time. Obviously the golden apple has to feature an advanced regeneration system and poison damage will be the way to destroy it.

"Insane!"

"Outrageous!"

"Absurd!"

"Preposterous!"

Maltatai: Never a moments peace... Right, then! Why don't you settle this with fair contest then? Suppose you all form a circle so you do not hit one another and then fire away at the apple in the middle so that the first to destroy it wins with her element proven to be the most fearsome?

Snövit: Done and decided!

Rödluvan: Flaming awesome idea!

Askungen: Consider it settled by unanimous voting.



Ip: Not that I mind watching some entertaining sport, but how will anyone be able to tell which one it was that managed to do the most damage or strike the killing blow against this golden apple?

Maltatai: Petty details, petty details...



Maltatai: The light wind is blowing up dust as an eerie silence otherwise fill the air. The three ranged bandits stand motionless and waiting for the moment their final contest will begin. In the middle is the object of their attention. It is just like in the ending of "The good, the bad and the ugly" and one certainly therefore wonders which one is the good, bad and ugly amazon, respectively, of the three assembled contestants...

Askungen: Shut up.

Rödluvan: Dibs on the bad one in any case.

Maltatai: This is what is commonly known as a Skovican Standoff. If anyone noticed. Or, now that I think of it, it could just be called a pointless silly contest or an immediate brawl between rivaling thugs waiting to break out... Right! Ready...aim (as if you need me to tell you that)...LOOSE!

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"FWOOM!"

"FWOOSH!"

"PING!"

Maltatai: Well, that was quickly settled I suppose. Let's take a look at these golden fragments here. Frozen and shattered into fragments like an evil iron golem, burned and melted like a plot jewellery item and clearly corroded as well in a way that hints of severely biohazardous materials having contacted with it...such as French or Danish cheese...

Snövit: Yes, yes, but who won then?

Maltatai: No idea. Take a look yourselves.

Bickering Amazons: "Scrutinizes remains"

Askungen: I don't approve of being labeled "bickering Amazon" by the way.

Rödluvan: Well this was lousy. A tie.

Maltatai: It certainly would appear so. Everyone won, or perhaps rather anyone lost judging by the general sentiments displayed presently. But that is oddly fitting as I shouted "loose" as in "unleash" but it could have been interpreted as "lose" which you apparently took to heart, hehehe...

Snövit: Do we have some spare spinach stew to pour on his head?

Maltatai: Why is it so immensely important to you to determine a winner? You can't compete with one another in their chosen fields anyway and that should be plain obvious even to such squabbling delegates blinded by their rivalry as the present company.

Snövit: How do you mean?

Maltatai: Take you, for example. Apart from obviously outdoing anyone on cold damage you are also supreme when it comes to slowing the enemy down - naturally with the ancients battle as the high point - and disabling the enemy by freezing them and picking off their key personnel with guided arrows. Rödluvan has unequalled leeching and can sustain a longer battle than any of you two thanks to it and her reliable mixed damage. Askungen is lastly not only poisonous but also a walking fortress of reduced damage compared to you bowazons, as well as a wicked eater of demon breakfast after her latest equipment additions. You have all specialised yourselves in line with your chosen element and thereby any suggestion that another one would serve you better is laughable. That should render discussions about which one is the best one moot.

Rödluvan: Boooring.

Askungen: But I have an idea! What if we found someone with no predisposition towards any side whatsoever? Then he or she could evaluate all sides and determine which side is the greatest.

Snövit: Excellent.

Rödluvan: Flaming epic thought!

Maltatai: Arbitration? And who should this poor soul be then if I may ask?

Snövit: Hmm...

Rödluvan: I could... blast! I can't look up anybody because they would all be connected to me and the same goes by all of us.

Askungen: But what about the inhabitants of the towns we have passed? They would know all of us and be connected to all and nobody, wouldn't they?

Rödluvan: So you would trust the impartiality of, say, a random sea captain or perhaps the vendors of a heavenly fortress or the rogue scouts of a rickety camp? Not to mention how the northlanders in general would of course not be more connected to anyone more than the others, would they?

Askungen: Right... damn.

Snövit: We need someone familiar with the world of Sanctuary yet unacquainted with all of us personally.

Rödluvan: "Sigh"

Maltatai: I might actually...

Snövit: Yes?!

Askungen: Who?

Maltatai: There is one I could vouch for as a judge in this matter...but I'm not sure if you would be altogether happy with it...

Rödluvan: Nonsense! Bring it on!

Askungen: Indeed! Let the matter be settled in due order.

Snövit: Do it!

Maltatai: Very well.

Enter RAPUNZEL, spectral Amazon and embodying the merciless scrutiny and judgement of all things ideological and political! Champion of the inquiring constitutional court and the critical voter, unfazed and unimpressed by all!

Rapunzel: What is thy bidding, master?

Maltatai: Investigate and evaluate which of the colour elements is the mightiest, if such a distinction is possible to make. The methods are up to you, save for personal combat between the contestants which is forbidden.

Rapunzel: Acknowledged.

Maltatai: Splendid! Over and out.
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Episode 20. Rise of Rapunzel
Rapunzel: I am Rapunzel. Your finest skills will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Askungen: That just reminds me of something I heard a long time ago...

Rödluvan: That sounds close and collective! This ought to be fun.

Rapunzel: Fun will now commence.

Snövit: Fun usually comes out doing something of free will, you can't really declare it like that, can you now?

Rapunzel: On the contrary. Rödluvans statement clearly states that skill assimilation is fun. I am authorized to initiate skill assimilation and declare its beginning. Therefore, I am able to declare fun.

Snövit: Right... That's....logical, I guess. But what is this skill assimilation idea about?

Rapunzel: In order to assess the abilities of all skills of the different elements the optimal way would be to assimilate the knowledge of their use from each of you, being the undisputed masters of your respective elements that you are.

Snövit: And how would this...assimilation...be done I wonder?

Rapunzel: Standard procedural data indicate no conflict between current and estimated future knowledge. The technological and biological diversity will be added to ones own.

Snövit: But how would you assimilate it? The method?

Rapunzel: I see no reason to deviate from standard protocols. Although I concur that my data in this matter is incomplete it points clearly towards the fact that you have all done this on a regular basis.

Askungen: Wait a moment...assimilation of knowledge...experience?

Rapunzel: Experience appears to be a suitable term.

Askungen: But, but...we gain experience...from brutally murdering our enemies...

Rödluvan: Are you proposing to...

Snövit: Last difficulty level no! Don't even think about it!

Rapunzel: You are correct.

Snövit: Huh?

Rapunzel: Vital new data has been acquired leading to a new conclusion. There is no reason to devote further thought to the older and faulty conclusion. Direct assimilation of knowledge is no longer an acceptable option.

Rödluvan: Well that's a relief...

Rapunzel: It would then appear that I lack a clear plan at the moment. And that a slightly more reasoning approach is warranted.

Snövit: You don't say?

Rödluvan: Tsss...hehe...

Askungen: I would quite agree!

Rapunzel: I am open to suggestions.

Rödluvan: So am I.

Snövit: Quiet, Red.

Askungen: Suppose we just talk and share our knowledge then? Like a good local committee, growing and building from the ground and up?

Rödluvan: Should we delve into every possible skill from each of us and its strengths and weaknesses and different uses in all potential situations? That will take eons!

Snövit: Yes, and we have funnier...more important things to do, I mean! Meshifs ship is just about finished, rebuilt for coast guardianing!

Askungen: Coast guarding.

Snövit: My point is, that is too much of work.

Maltatai: Shall I interpret this then as a desire to end this unnecessary squabble over a totally unimportant superflous detail?

Rödluvan: Of course not!

Snövit: Certainly out of the question, my good sir!

Maltatai: That was too much to hope for, wasn't it... Here is a piece of advice at least: If the underlying principle and idea was good, but the scale of the enterprise is overwhelming, is there any way you could lessen the amount of work necessary?

Rödluvan: Hmm... Like comparing fewer skills?

Askungen: Which ones would that be? Should there be some sort of tournament or something in which they qualify?

Rapunzel: That would be illogical, since the object of the dispute has been the effectiveness against enemy objects - albeit ones posing questionable danger - and not against one another or against enemy amazons.

Snövit: Any other suggestion?

Rödluvan: One from each! Equality! Equity! Environtivity!

Snövit: That...is actually a very sensible suggestion. I'm positively stunned.

Rödluvan: Moron.

Rapunzel: Assuming then, that one would strive to be proficient in one skill each of each damage type, hypothetically honouring each with 20 skill points apart from the prerequisites, one would be quite able to engage and destroy any enemy target, assuming sufficient mobility and resistances.

Maltatai: Theoretically yes, at least given the presence of Prevent Monster Heal among the equipment.

Askungen: Yes, yes, such technocrat babbling... How will you decide what skill best represents the full might of the respective factions here?

Rapunzel: I would delegate the task to each of you. You are the most knowledgeable of your own area of expertise and it is therefore logical that you should nominate which skill is mightiest.

Rödluvan: Good idea, I suppose, but how shall we get Törnrosa to nominate anything?

Maltatai: You could ask her, you know.

Rödluvan: What?

Rapunzel: It sounds like a reasonable proposal. Is there any particular reason for objection in this matter?

Snövit: But she's so far preferred to stay behind the scenes waiting for the opportune moment to descend and save us all from our petty political squabbles and bring true enlightningment and whatever.

Rapunzel: Isn't this the opportune moment for such action then?

Snövit: NO! We...we, we, we are...debating! Yes!

Askungen: In an orderly manner!

Maltatai: "Raises eyebrow"

Askungen: Somewhat. Sort of...

Maltatai: Her vote is needed for Rapunzel to decide properly. Squabbles or not, isn't it high time to summon the lightning goddess in any case? Just to properly introduce yourselves if nothing else?

Rödluvan: Fine. I'll go and talk to Floria about sending an invitation. On second thought, this could be quite interesting...



Maltatai: A not so long time later in a shrubbery almost far far away...



Floria: Rosie! Come and look!

Törnrosa: I have told you several times not to call me Rosie or any other of the stupid nicknames!

Floria: But look here: Your plan appears to be working despite everything! Or at least I got this postcard that hints towards that.

Törnrosa: Postcard? Who sends postcards in this age?

Floria: Not sent, but it was fastened on the huge billboard down there and it clearly says "To Floria" on the outside.

Törnrosa: Very well. You may read it out loud.

Floria: He-hrm! I may not be an orator but...just kidding!

"Dear Floria,

Alas, how it is all falling apart! Clearly we are drifting lost upon the sea of politics without the heavenly light to guide us! It is as if there had never been an Amazonian triumvirate in the first place and our days at times seem filled with meaningless squabbles. If only there was someone who would take pity on us, someone who would show us the error of our ways and descend down among us poor fallen souls, so far removed from the heavenly grace!

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If you know anyone please ask her to come down here immediately because we have a very important matter we actually need help with. Angels are even allowed too and we promise not to punish them any more for past catastrophic incompetences and foolishnesses.

/Red"

Floria: The last thing is obviously the sign of some desperate on-the-brim-of-utter-disaster-humor, hehe, nothing really noteworthy...

Törnrosa: Probably no more than one can expect then, from those poor lost souls. Fear not though, for your salvation is at hand! I am your guiding light, come to show you the right path and lead you back to the true followers of the light! I shall fetch Tyrri...Tyrael so that we may descend together among our devoted subjects.



Maltatai: Somewhat later back at the starting position of the chapter.



Maltatai: Ah, and here we have the long expected visitors...

Snövit: Hello Floria! Care to introduce us to your friends? And how do you do these days..."Tyrrie"?

Rödluvan: "Smirk"

Tyrael: "Imperious and annoyed look"

Floria: This is Törnrosa, the lightning javazon I have adventured with, and Petronella, the valkyrie.

Askungen: Hrm, good day to you.

Törnrosa: Ah, hm, good afternoon.

Rödluvan: Törnrosa...has someone ever shortened it to "Rosie" as an affectionate nickname, perhaps?

Törnrosa: That is most certainly not a correct way of adressing!

Rödluvan: Alas, forgive my grave miscomprehension! We have strayed so long without proper guidance and know now hardly what to do or say any more.

Törnrosa: You are forgiven. But fear not, for help is come! I shall guide you all back to the right path under the holy light of...

Snövit: But that is an excellent idea!

Törnrosa: I...pardon? Of course it is.

Snövit: A lighthouse! What an excellent complement to a coast guarding ship!

Petronella: Heh, admit that a huge monumental lighthouse watching over all beneath it and guiding their paths with its light suits your style perfectly. And... "glances knowingly" ...there may even be a chain of smaller subordinate lighthouses built around the island under the symbolic shadow and supervision of the commanding lighthouse.

Floria: Well...lighthouses are probably...useful.

Törnrosa: Hm...I shall...take it under consideration.

Snövit: Oh, pardon the interruption, do you want dinner?

Törnrosa: Excellent.

Törnrosa: "Whisper to Floria" Superb, this will be a sacred meal bonding these new repentant acolytes to their savior and leader.



Maltatai: The eating and introductions have gone well and with all speed, and one gets the feeling that everyone feels as if they have known each other for some time whether in person or by reputation at least. The recruitment of Törnrosa as contributor to the trial of elements by Rapunzel did not go quite so well. Or maybe it went a little too well.



Törnrosa: ...so, as I was saying, you need not bother yourself with this at all! It is all very fine and a commendable effort but I assure you that I will take care of it all. Just hand the preparatory work to me and it will take a fraction of the time and effort it would otherwise do. You will be free to pursue all your lovely other interests in the meantime!

Askungen: And how would we know that it is our views and not just yours that colour the review of each skills then, I wonder?

Törnrosa: But I will of course be taking your opinions into account, don't worry!

Askungen: What, so you will work as a secretary then, writing down what we say? How will that save time on the scale you suggest?

Törnrosa: No, no need for that, I am saying that I will take it into consideration when I am compiling the full and complete comparison between skills... See, here is the template I have made for comparisons with checklists and tables and...

Snövit: Let's see! "Glances through it" ...crowd control...economy...adaptability...skill progression...very good! You've gotten quite a lot included.

Törnrosa: Would it not be simpler then, if I undertook the whole task of compiling a comprehensive review of all different elemental skills? And I could even save Rapunzel a lot of work by being able to brief her completely without any risk of missing important details due to different people handling parts of the whole!

Rapunzel: As smooth as that might seem I am inclined to decline.

Rödluvan: And rightly so! We are part of this contest as well and we will share our parts equally!

Askungen: Precisely! We will do things by the non-existent proverbial book, which can be called the book of skill but will still not disappear after being read once.

Törnrosa. But you don't have to go through all that trouble, you can leave it to me just fine!

Snövit. That we can and that we don't have to, but we have freely chosen to go through with the contest in this manner of our choosing. And you are free to take part or not, but not to dictate the entire procedure yourself.

Törnrosa: Why, of course I will take part (and prove the superiority of the heavenly lightning before all others...), but it would still be so much easier for all if...



Rapunzel: The situation is presenting some unforeseen problems.

Maltatai: Indeed?

Rapunzel: I can't even begin to think how one should be able to make a reasonable and objective comparison between all the signature skills in this kind of work environment.

Maltatai: So do you have some other solution in mind?

Rapunzel: I am seriously leaning more and more towards a practical field test of each skill. I can not see any other practicable way out of this with the obvious disparities in the available data from the respective elemental masters.

Maltatai: An expected conclusion.

Rapunzel: Is it? How so?

Maltatai: Elementary, my dear Rapunzel. Who is it that has chronicled all the misdeeds of the four polarized Amazons so far? I have encyclopedical knowledge of the ability and inability of said characters to stay level-headed, cool in a discussion, open to foreign ideas and to the point of a subject.

Rapunzel: And the fate of the world has been repeatedly resting in the hands of said, hrm, delegates?

Maltatai: That is an open question. But it would certainly have caused great misery had one of them failed. Are you ready to follow in their footsteps along the quite confused trek that it will be - since you are following four set of footsteps at the same time - and face the horrors of the aptly named dangerous world of Sanctuary?

Rapunzel: Ready.

Maltatai: Tremble, demons and ancients! Rapunzel, master of none of the skills at all, stands before you! Over and out.
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Episode 21. Nominations
Maltatai: Welcome back! Despite what one with even the slightest shred of knowledge about the assembly might expect, the discussion has moved forward to the point where Rapunzel has managed to anchor the idea of nominating representative skills among each of the participants and, equally impressive, keep their noses out of the others choice of skill. Almost.

Törnrosa: ...yet there would still be gains in efficiency if, say, I were to coordinate the nominations to present them in an orderly manner and be able to give the arbiter a few preliminary pointers. Just to get her moving along the right track.

Rödluvan: Moving along with a train of thought inevitably ending with the illuminated lightning being the element of choice, huh?

Törnrosa: Of course, can there be any other outcome? I mean, not because of the friendly pointers, but...

Rödluvan: So they would have no effect on the decision-making? But how ghastly inefficient to spend time on those friendly pointers then! I'm shocked!

Törnrosa: That's not how I meant, it...

Snövit: Stop messing with her, Red. Here comes Rapunzel.

Rapunzel: Greetings all. Is everyone ready to present their nominated skill of choice?

Polarized nominators: "Nods"

Rapunzel: Very well. Rödluvan, would it please you to start?

Rödluvan: Most pleased, for the sake of all. The collective always comes first! Of fire skills, I am not very knowledgeable on the immolation arrow but I've thought of it. It's so slow, but the thing packs a punch. I like exploding arrow better, though, and the synergizing fire arrow is weaker in almost every way and the conversion to elemental damage is unlikely to be of significant value. The more explosions the better! Boom!

Snövit: "Facepalm"

Rödluvan: Yes, yes, I CAN actually be professional and sensible too. If you have a rather fast bow you can fire, say, three exploding arrows instead of one immolation arrow and will have about the same fire damage and it will cost three times as much mana. But more hits mean more physical damage, more processes triggering and more hits to put the enemy into hit recovery if you hit that hard.

Rapunzel: Thank you very much. We proceed to Snövit.

Snövit: The one. The only. Freezing Arrow. Cold arrow I will dismiss as inferior just like Rödluvan with fire arrow. Ice arrow is an interesting choice, though. The freeze length could actually be of use for someone with other attacks ready to follow, but the lack of area damage is detracting from it's usefulness and freeze length is possible to focus in through cold damage charms, though I have not invested specifically in those. In my experience, even the lowest of periods of frost would halt the enemies when under a barrage of arrows, but having to switch targets would have been a severe impediment and also would not allow for the striking of the second and third ranks of an enemy mob.

Rapunzel: A convincing argumentation. Next, Askungen?

Askungen: Uhm, Törnrosa can nominate before me.

Törnrosa: The light comes in sublime strength in many forms. No part of it's terrifying arsenal is in time rendered impotent or obsolete for the might of heavenly power is eternal. The Power Strike will dispatch individuals with ease, big or small. Charged Strike is unequaled against larger targets and lightning strike can lay waste to heathen mobs by just touching the outermost line. If one where to pick one of this glorious collection, the choice is Charged Strike. With it I have crushed the Prime Evils at lightning speed...

Rödluvan, Snövit and Askungen: "Facepalm"

Törnrosa: ...and it is the leaders of the enemy that is the core of the heresy, not the easily led and misguided rabble. But in such a situation the skill is not without merit, being well suited to taking down a smaller group of enemies as well. Furthermore, it is easier to master for the novice, with no requirement to hit the enemy as is the case with Power Strike.

Rapunzel: Very well. Charged Strike it shall be. Askungen, do you have a suggestion ready?

Askungen: ...no

Rapunzel: Why is that?

Askungen: I can't decide what to pick! If you are just going to gather skill points I suppose the Plague Javelin is easier to use since it's easier to attacks clustering groups with but the greatest potential rests with Poison Javelin. Which I failed to realise.

Rödluvan: What do you mean, you were completely awesome!

Snövit: It's the Lem rune, isn't it?

Askungen: Yes! If I could only have found one it would be Poison Javelin that would rule the world! And if you only have poison javelin and neither a rune nor a synergy you might be able to make use of the high maximum damage per cast and hit and run but it will be slow. Plague Javelin is probably better in that case. But should you find the rune later Plague Javelin will be a shadow of what you could accomplish with Poison Javelin and it will be frustrating as a debate run by a civil servant!

Rapunzel: I appreciate the complexity of the dilemma. The matter is not one of urgency, however. Perhaps an answer will present itself in time. For now, shall we conclude that at least one point would be well placed in Plague Javelin, and thereby also in Poison Javelin, for the synergy and to prevent regeneration among a group of foes, and postpone a definite choice?

Askungen: You could do that?

Rapunzel: I am the arbiter. I can do anything I please. If there is nothing else...

Askungen: There is one thing. What about mercenaries? How do they fit into the evaluation of skills? Surely they play an important part in determining what skills can be used and how.

Rapunzel: A valid point. I shall assume that no mercenary is ever engaged during the campaign. All of the classes are tied to one of you and it would severely impact my impartiality to be connected with one of them. Even a varied collection of engaged hirelings would have such an impact I believe, since each would be engaged during a specific and potentially more crucial phase of the campaign.

Snövit: Well, I must admit there have been times when I contemplated that path myself...

Rapunzel: Thank you all for now. I shall return when I have finished my comparison and evaluation or require additional data.

Rödluvan: Or just drop in for a drink. We're always open. Free potions for arbiters. Collectively funded of course, so they won't constitute a bribe from any individual candidate.

Snövit: Yes, crowd funding is quite the deal nowadays.



Rapunzel: Maltatai, your thoughts?

Maltatai: Amazons are silly, be careful with the potions, the sky is cloudy...

Rapunzel: Your thoughts of the choice of skills and progression.

Maltatai: Oh, was that what you meant? Very well! I assume you refer to the question of what to focus in first and how to continue from then?

Rapunzel: If it would please thee, master.

Maltatai: The poison skills are obviously out for the time being then, until you have a Lem rune or all other obvious skill points have been distributed.

Rapunzel: Max the poison skill last then?

Maltatai: Not necessarily. Let's leave it for the moment. What do you think of the other ones?

Rapunzel: Neither is superior from an accuracy point of view since none depend on a hit check. Exploding arrows is available early which is appealing but it lacks the damage potential of the others.

Maltatai: Unless you obtain a lot of fire damage from items, then it will be carried by the explosion.

Rapunzel: Oooooh...

Maltatai: The same goes for cold damage and freezing arrows but obviously that is of lesser note since cold damage is harder to find in the same amounts.

Rapunzel: Ral runes?

Maltatai: A tried and tested setup. One point of exploding arrows will suffice, and keep the cost down. Have fun with it!

Rapunzel: What is the next step?

Maltatai: Charged strike appears obvious in order to humble Duriel, which is the only significant obstacle for you as you would be able to outmanoeuvre the enemy in just about all other situations. Then I can't say. It will likely depend on what equipment you have discovered at that point. Put a point in plague javelin as early as possible too. That extra damage early on and preventing healing never hurt. At least not anyone but the enemy.

Rapunzel: I wonder...should I try to emulate the spirit of each elements to use them properly?

Maltatai: Do not try to become what you are not just in order to please others. Exploring new ways of doing things may help your mission though. Do as you please, mighty arbiter.

Rapunzel: Emulating foreign behaviour promptly.

QIBafNw.jpg


Maltatai: Maybe that was not exactly what I had foremost in mind.

Rapunzel: Ow. That hurt. Why would anyone voluntarily trigger such a shrine? That's risky to the point of idiotic and serves no purpose not achievable through more controlled means.

Maltatai: Don't ask me. It's not like I ever had anything at all to do with using such shrines. How do you feel about fighting solo until you have your valkyrie?

Rapunzel: That won't be so bad I think. It should be quite relaxing not to have to look out for some idly wandering companion, especially not the frail town guard.

Maltatai: Might that even be primary reason for the choice of not using one, even?

Rapunzel: Maintaining ones impartiality remains the primary objective. But the added bonus may be the most enjoyed effect of the decision, though.

Maltatai: It is...what's that?

"Ominous thunder sounds"

Maltatai: Noooo...

Telash: A-HA! Here he is! The cur scampers away to hide and plot hidden from the unionized eye of the United Missile Troops - UMT!

Maltatai: Greetings, Iron Wolf. How fares your noble union?

Telash: Strong and on the prowl, I'll have you know!

Maltatai: How nice for you.

Telash: And do not attempt to feign ignorance. As I said in a scary and threatening manner suitable to make spineless authors quiver in fear earlier; I have indeed sent a strongly worded complaint to the union and they have taken STERN ACTION!

Maltatai: We are all trembling.

Telash: The mercenaries are going out to strike! Not only the ranged hirelings but also the United Melee Troops will join in a sympathy strike against the negligent storyteller and his sponsored characters!


See me tread out of the sunset
On your colour video screen
Out for authors I can get
It will be very mean
My briefcase's to the left of me
My sword is to the right
It's sparkling and sharp
It's no mere knife
Don't you start no fight

With the UMT, we're dynamite
UMT, and we'll win the fight
UMT, I'm a power load
UMT, watch him explode

He's dirty, mean and mighty unclean
He's a wanted man
Public enemy number one
Understand
So summon your rogue scout
And lock on his life
When locked on target, shoot for your life
The author's back in town
Don't let him mess around

With the UMT, that's dynamite
UMT, that will win the fight
UMT, the power load
UMT, so bright and so bold

With the UMT, again, dynamite
UMT, heard it, will win the fight
UMT, as said the power load
UMT, of your missiles take hold


Maltatai: But look here - I am quite the reformed character these days. No more will mercenaries be sent to do a player characters work! Rapunzel here has even stipulated that all her estimations will assume that no mercenary is hired at any point in the campaign. Brilliant, isn't it?

Telash: So I am expected to take COMFORT in the fact that mercenaries are nowadays seen as a BURDEN and HINDRANCE best DISCARDED?!

Maltatai: That would actually be tremendously useful if you did... Now I think I have an urgent appointment somewhere and also need to start on the next chapter of the story promptly so if you don't mind...

Telash: Not so fast! There is still the issue of a strike!

Maltatai: Yes, but since there is no workforce employed at the moment there is nobody to strike, correct?

Telash: Grossly INCORRECT! The union has voted on another type of strike! Progressively going from the outdated refusal to work we move to more directed and precise attacks against the roots of the problems instead!

Maltatai: Meaning?

Telash: Meaning: FEAR MY CRESCENT MOON! "ZAP!"

Maltatai: Yaaaah!

Telash: "ZAP!" "ZAP!"

Maltatai: Hostile work environment! Over and out!
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Episode 22. Charged Strike
Maltatai: Thunder and unsteady weather are drifting in both at home and on Lycander. Clearly the thunder gods are in a mood and that is not so surprising given peoples habit of stealing their vigorous belts time and again. Perhaps such behaviour has led to them dropping their trousers before the other deities to the embarrasment of all. On the Amazon isles, our correspondent Rapunzel is ready to deliberate more on the subject. Over to you, Rapunzel.

Rapunzel: Have I now in some inexplicable way been drafted into the infamous Whatever-the-clock News?

Maltatai: Shocking, is it not? Consider it one of the areas an ambitious evaluating judge should study to gain the full picture and every necessary perspective.

Rapunzel: If I remember correctly my mission is to evaluate all the nominated skills and conclude some sort of winner in this peculiar elemental debate. I fail to see the relevance of engaging in these superflous witty squabbles and banter that appear to be the main object of this news programme.

Maltatai: But my, what an early and prejudiced opinion! I can't believe how anyone would jump to such premature conclusions.

Rapunzel: Fine, fine... "Ahem" This is Rapunzel for the Whatever-the-clock News reporting from Lycander where said lightning goddess or more commonly known, Törnrosa, appears to be sparking with frustration. While the division among her political opponents is obvious it would seem that the following basking in her saving grace and light and so on is yet to come. Not only is Askungen still adamantly defending the concept of debate and voting but Snövit has greeted all her obvious hints of it being quicker and easier to leave the voting and choice to her with exceptionally cold stares which Snövit is of course the undisputed master of, being a frost maiden. Although together with Meshif, so that character builds name is probably not the most apt description of her. Most disturbing has of course been Rödluvan who alternates between big eyed mocking worship and admiring awe and love of her and lewd and intrusive comments and suggestions.

Maltatai: In other words; business as ususal?

Rapunzel: Yes, so now feel the imminent drop in viewers and ratings for this programme.

Maltatai: Alas, rush to our rescue oh correspondent in shining armour! Grace the readers with some unnecessary details to embroider the story. Why is the communal and collective Rödluvan paying such attention to someone whose philosophy is that she should do everything herself?

Rapunzel: Well obviously just for the fun of being annoying, as usual. Let's see, what was it... Some absent-minded comment of how much Baals tentacles resemble scary snakes and, incidentally, how similar angel wings - which are evidently substantial and tentacle-like enough to wrap around the arm of a dark wanderer - are to those as well. And along with that various intruding hints and queries regarding the love life of said angel and lightning javazon. And Törnrosa appears unable to acknowledge the fact that Rödluvan or anyone else could simply be making fun of her. Poor Floria is caught in the middle giggling from Rödluvans antics and still deep down liking her protective javazon whom she maintains is good at heart, just overly obsessed with having things done as effective as possible.

Maltatai: Thank you for the enlightening description. Have you made any progress in the testing and evaluation of the nominated skills?

Rapunzel: I'm stunned! Are we getting to the point already? The age of wonders and miracles is surely not passed yet!

Maltatai: And here I thought four of those were more than enough...

Rapunzel: Now, pay attention! In my opinion javelins early on have no chance to reach up to the simplicity and effect of a gemmed hunters bow, in my case gemmed with topazes and a sapphire. I did however find a neat little stack of javelins that replenish and offer mana per slain enemy which seems suitable for poison javelin work. But that level six skill competes more with later choices of armament. Any thoughts?

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Maltatai: Only that poison javelin is not allowed to show it's early strength, but Askungen has already displayed that and as said it will be the late game usefulness which determines the winner. What is the next step gearwise, since you are already decided on saving points until charged strike is available?

Rapunzel: The ruby red hunters bow and exploding arrows like Rödluvan. It will be a bit slow the last levels until I can plunder myself some Ral runes from the tower but there isn't very many alternatives this early.

Maltatai: Ith runes could be an alternative. Even after the Rals are collected you need to advance some levels to wield them.

Rapunzel: Hm, good point. What about spears?

Maltatai: Stylish but hard to get something that matches the bows. If you would use the early javelin skills you could of course wreak havoc supported by Tir runes from the tower.

Rapunzel: Yes, that would have to wait until I obtained charged strike. With shield and armour full of Tirs I would feel very smug and triumphant.

Maltatai: I would suggest dropping the idea later though, as tempting as such a temper may seem.

Rapunzel: And why is that?

Maltatai: Because it is to rely too much on one specific effect, which will be useless when facing a few tough enemies that depletes the mana pool before going down. A stealth armour is too good to pass up in the desert with the speed and Magic Damage Reduction against scarabs and unravellers unholy bolts. And circlets have the possibility to offer some respectable buffs even from the start...if you're lucky.

Rapunzel: Or be completely bland and plain trinkets, putting the advisor who suggested them in a very bad light indeed.

Maltatai: Petty details, petty details, as you fellows say. I stand by my suggestion to switch to a circlet in any case.

Rapunzel: Your wise suggestion of running bareheaded in a scorching desert is duly noted.

Maltatai: Moving ON...that is moving BACK to Andariel that is normally sensitive to fire in normal as well as later. Exploding arrows or charged strike up close?

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Rapunzel: A tie, I think. Archery requires spending a little time retreating as well although melee requires blocking and hit recovery. Perhaps the archery wins by a minor margin here.



Maltatai: An suddenly time passes in which events play out just as Maltatai the wise sage has foreseen and we are back with a new special guest who happens to be...Rapunzel! What a surprise!

Rapunzel: Your sense of humour is sometimes as hard to follow as the slithering coils of the iron maiden.

Maltatai: That is how I always manage to evade and escape Telash and other mortal dangers of our time!

Rapunzel: That...does not make sense. Unless your existence is somehow dependent on your wit, as through a moderately stereotypical necromantic link of even more stereotypical unholy magic.

Maltatai: I certainly do identify the most with the necromancer.

Rapunzel: Sprouting foul language and having minions do the work for you?

Maltatai: What more can you ask? Also, a deity that 1: Is a dragon, and 2: does not interfere in the lives of it's followers but is content with keeping the world moderately stable. But what would Sanctuary be without it's amazons? Now let's go into detail about the great danger of the scarabs and their charged bolts and the striking contrast to their meleeing foe who...also unleashes charged bolts. But in a very different manner. Quite the other thing.

Rapunzel: They have proven to be a slight nuisance. The stealth armour is inadequate to repel the bolts. A liberal use of decoys has managed to lessen the danger considerably, allowing for quick circumventing of enemy infantry to reach unravellers and similar key targets behind.

The blunderbores are of course key targets for charged strike, along with the giant twisted apes.

Maltatai: Being in the field of law and civil service my head does of course overflow with knowledge of an encyclopedic amount of entities that are in all relevant ways comparable to bloated twisted apes and very large persons with very tiny brains.

Rapunzel: I will take your word for it, master, though I fail to see the obvious in the connection.

Maltatai: Much to learn you still have, my apprentice. Please continue your fascinating account of the badlands.

Rapunzel: The maggot lair has been surprisingly tedious due to the presence of scarabs and their lightning bolts. The arcane sanctuary was on the other hand quite rewarding with congregating ghosts and goats providing an ideal situation for area attacks. The only nuisance were the lightning spires.

Maltatai: Ever the lightning and lightning affiliated objects providing trouble in this episode it would seem... And now that I think about it, wasn't there some comment earlier about circlets being "completely bland and plain trinkets"?

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Rapunzel: Collected evidence appears to refute that apprehension.

Maltatai: I foresee a slightly baffled look on the face of the lord of terror when sending out his firestorm.

Rapunzel: Such facial expression is going to be far from unique. I am pleased to have acquired a charm of cold resistance and Irathas gloves prior to breaking into Tal Rashas chamber. However, the gathered data I have been able to study is somewhat conflicting. While cold damage is mentioned as a danger, the reports center on the slime surrounding and apparently also sustaining him. It must be a toxin of tremendous lethality to prompt such rich description.

Maltatai: Hrm, I would suggest focusing on the cold resistance for now.

Rapunzel: Hmm...perhaps the poison will be easier to counter using antidotes after all, and the cold can be delivered by each strike whereas poison can not go beyond its damage per second regardless of how often it is reset... I shall heed your advice, master.

Maltatai: Please keep in mind that it is only suggestions. I am not dictating. Some people sometimes have trouble making that distinction, as weird and unthinkable as that may seem. Over and out.
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Episode 23. Freezing Arrow
Maltatai: Welcome to the next update. No longer needing to suffer the desolate emptiness of solitude, Rapunzel is able to enjoy the fabled seriousness and soothing calm of Amazon company that we all know so well, in the form of a stout and stalwart companion. It must be a tremendous relief!

Rapunzel: The presence of a valkyrie provides a convenient distraction for the enemies and adds to the effectiveness of all area attacks since they may hit clustering enemies. While maintaining an efficient working relationship, the collegial bonding is less than adequate.

Maltatai: How sad to hear. What is the problem? It's not one of the others old valkyries come to haunt you, is it?

Rapunzel: Not to my knowledge, no. She is called Goldielocks and is by all means a respectable valkyrie yet her peculiar ideas are difficult to relate to on a personal level.

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Maltatai: Such as?

Rapunzel: She firmly believes that druids that favour the werebear form would be the ideal purveyors of drink and potions. Ideally there should be a small countryside distillery run as a family business. One would come and find the keg of the largest bear and the bottle of the middle bear and the glass of the small bear. And to add a little thrill to your meal you would attempt to sneak away with the personal dishes of each! That lack of manners is severely lacking in logic. To think that the hosts would return with outraged exclamations that someone had eaten their porridge and slept in their beds! What sort of way is that to make acquaintance?

Maltatai: She should try it at the Infernal Keepers Evil Association furniture department, hehehe...

Rapunzel: The deeper meaning of this statement escapes me. Please clarify.

Maltatai: Said furniture-mongers has been a most singular success from my homeland, especially considering that the products are characterised by being flimsy and rickety objects that the customer is required to assemble on his own. A task that would at times even challenge the Horadric cube! And this low cost low elegance collection of haphazard junk bolted together by the unproficient hands of the purchasing layman has abroad become something of a mark of style and elegance among other people.

Rapunzel: The connection to the matter of unbecoming behaviour of a guest yet eludes me.

Maltatai: Yes, well, the point is that among some of the enthusiastic customers or potential customers there has developed a widespread habit of sleeping in the beds and other comfortable products set on display in the, shall we call it furniture markets. To the slight irritation of the vendors, although at the same time a very real testament to the quality of the products.

Rapunzel: Your homeland evidently is the origin of more than one peculiar export.

Maltatai: A native of the world of Sanctuary is one to talk... On to the dangerous lords from hell! How has the acquired skills and equipment stood up to Duriels flabby ferociousness?

Rapunzel: Your assessment of the situation has proven to be flawed, master. Inadequate data has led to suboptimal priorities in equipment and a failure to produce the battle tactics necessary to offset the severe hostile onslaught.

Maltatai: The presence of the present company suggests otherwise, but be my guest to elaborate.

Rapunzel: I was under the impression that cold and physical damage were the main dangers associated with the lord of pain. And consequently that substantial blocking and cold resistance gathered from items and thawing potions would be the proper counters.

Maltatai: And these did not live up to their reputation I take it?

Rapunzel: While posing a substantial danger not mitigated the least by the confined space, both are clearly secondary concerns when put in the context of the description-defying contents of the floor of the chamber.

Maltatai: Ah, I see. Of course. It's a known reaction among glorious heroes.

Rapunzel: And yet no warning was issued! The lack of forewarning and withholding of vital and decisive information is, with due respect, master, unacceptable.

Maltatai: Shall I set up a comprehensive "slime and goo index" concerning the expected battlegrounds of Sanctuary? The undertaking is monumental, I might add.

Rapunzel: That is actually not a bad idea. Perhaps an added benefit would be the prevention of more distracting frivolities such as the populist news media. Already it presents a promising combination of benefits and bonuses.

Maltatai: A comment worthy of a bowazon if ever there was one. Am I to understand that you have started delving into the chilling world of archery now?

Rapunzel: Indeed! Though it may be fairly pointed out that the frozen arrows are so far only on in an experimental phase, far too expensive to be sustained for a longer time and not strong enough to counter the lack of continuous shooting. That said, the disabling capabilities are most concrete.

Maltatai: Will archery be outdoing thrusting in the future?

Rapunzel: That is entirely dependant on the items. I think that in the absence of good bows and javelins it will be the javelin skills that are most useful since they provide hit-and-run abilities from the poison as well as cheaper damage focused on one enemy which limits the effect of enemy regeneration.

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Maltatai: A worthy assessment. One I would see proven moot by future delving into the treasuries of commanding demons.

Rapunzel: Initial results point the other way.

Maltatai: That looked fortunate! But I'm sure some sort of bow turned up too.

Rapunzel: The broad scape of such a generalisation means it will almost doubtlessly be proven true eventually.

Maltatai: Such is the way of Ormus and us other wise and coherent sages. I'm also sure that some useful bow turned up in time to make a difference in the later parts of normal.

Rapunzel: One slightly lacklustre rare bow from Diablo, which would nevertheless have been a solid addition had my bow skills been more developed at this stage.

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I later discovered a more suitable war javelin, with mana leeching among other things. Loot has so far been of optimal usefulness for the tasks at hand. Following the discovery of various cold resistance items prior to engaging Duriel, I have been able to obtain the Stormguild large shield, a cold and a lightning resistance grand charm, crafted blood gloves with some magic find and a ring with cold and lightning resistance, magic find and dexterity as well as gambled a circlet with cold and poison resistance. The lord of hatred consequently proved to be ineffective, while Diablo has been hampered by the Nokozan relic and the blocking of Stormguild.

Maltatai: May future discoveries continue to be of equal relevance.

Rapunzel: Actually...

Disturbing crowd: "Disturbing noise"

Askungen: Hello there!

Snövit: Greetings, storytellers!

Rödluvan: Stay a while and...no.

Törnrosa. Be saluted, chosen judge.

Snövit: We want an update! How goes the evaluation? Has Frozen Arrow proven superior yet?

Rapunzel: But...this is highly irregular.

Maltatai: Yes, minor units of archers and javelineers are usually aptly described as irregular forces.

Rapunzel: That comment does not aid in the disentanglement of the subjects of discussion here.

Askungen: Ignore that bookworm.

Rödluvan: Yes, what about the flaming flames? Surely you have conjured up some endgame superior super way of strengthening the explosions that will mop the floor with all other elements!

Rapunzel: I question the wisdom in this. Premature divulging of my conclusions drawn so far may compromise my impartiality.

Snövit: Nah, just ease up on that. Arbiter, not judge, remember? You can say what you want and change your mind any number of times later.

Askungen: Besides, we voted for it.

Törnrosa. Fear not, for it would please the light if you would share your thoughts with us, so that you could if needed be gently guided back towards the right path...

Rapunzel: In that case...please specify what you would like to be informed about.

Rödluvan: What element is in the lead so far? Which attack looks to be the best? "Whisper": exploding arrows...

Rapunzel: Hm, initially I have studied frozen arrows more than the burning ones...

Snövit: Of course! Irresistible, aren't they?

Rapunzel: While effective, the frozen arrow is also notably expensive and is less than optimal as a weapon against strong individuals.

Rödluvan: Precisely! Whereas exploding arrows will be more reasonably priced. And able to boost by lots of fire damage from other items!

Rapunzel: While that is true...

Snövit: The same can be done for frozen arrows, boosting the freeze length as well.

Rödluvan: Only in a...

Rapunzel: Order!

Snövit: Right.

Rödluvan: Of course.

Rapunzel: My conclusions so far point to no clear winner among the arrows. Freezing arrows are harder to enhance to the same degree as exploding arrows due to cold damage on items often being lower than fire damage of comparable level. Adding to that, however, is the fact that cold damage sources do indeed increase the freeze length which is a useful asset that is complicated to put in relation to higher or cheaper fire damage. One more factor affecting the choice of superior element is the ability of immolation arrows to negate the regeneration of a stationary enemy by dealing continuous damage over time, which is likely to be highly useful against poison immune enemies.

Snövit: Ooooh....

Rödluvan: Well thought!

Rapunzel: Regarding items to enhance the damage certain weapons come to mind. It would appear that the enchantment from the demon limb gives fire damage a definitive edge...

Rödluvan: Yes! Tried and tested with great success!

Rapunzel: ...but the cold damage can be substantially increased by using the more easily obtained Wizendraw, which of course prevents a more potent bow from being used to supplement the elemental damage.

Snövit: That sounds promising!

Rapunzel: Concerning charged strike, while capable of high focused damage...

Törnrosa: ...it also delivers you by delivering spread area damage against groups and overall supreme damage per second, as you no doubt already have concluded.

Rapunzel: Deviation from protocol does not further the clarity of my explanation.

Askungen: "muffled giggle"

Rapunzel: Charged strike does provide great damage potential but it is also highly unreliable with the minimum damage being negligible. It would appear that a combination of freezing and lightning attacks could yield great results since the incapacitation of the enemy allows for more thrusts if the first ones would deal little damage, while the more expensive freezing arrows would not need to supply the bulk of the damage but may be utilized as an opening move to incapacitate and a finishing move to freeze and shatter the enemies.

Törnrosa: Mingle pure lightning...with common marketeers and mongerers?

Rapunzel: Is that a major impediment?

Törnrosa: It is just so...so inefficient! Consider all the resources that go to waste when left to a privatized free economy.

Snövit. I beg to differ! Sound competition will ensure that the optimal alternative wins and is used!

Törnrosa: The optimal alternative when it comes to getting sold, not when it comes to solving the problem!

Snövit: Nonsense and slander!

Törnrosa: On the contrary. Consider this: a company or other enterprise selling a service is only interested in what it takes to make the buyer pay. Sure, it may be in their interest to nurture a good reputation but the means of doing so are by no means necessarily synonymous with actually giving the buyer something of worth. What the seller is after is only the impression that it has delivered something of worth.

Rapunzel: Why does this exclude the possibility of yielding the most effective results?

Törnrosa. I...what?!

Rapunzel: I consider it a good observation and a factor worth consideration when measuring and calculating the efficiency of different approaches to problem solving. However, I have yet to hear why this factor should be the only one worth considering when it comes to commercially motivated alternatives, or why it should consequently be adorned with such tremendous importance.

Snövit: Ha! Spot on!

Törnrosa: Even the luckiest of earthly enterprises will pale in comparison when faced with the truly divine. Such boons will make everyone struck with awe, except the heathen heretics who will best truck with righteous lightning.

Snövit: And then the boon wears off and everyone wakes up from their delirium with a crackling hangover and no more cheating powers. However, solid equipment and material gained by ones own efforts are so very much more reliable as well as strengthening for ones character, instead of reliance on deliverance from whatever unmatchable powers higher up. Wouldn't you say so, Rapunzel?

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Rapunzel: The boost in confidence from self-sufficiency and seeing ones work yield results would be obvious in most cases. There does however seem to be a flaw in your reasoning in that you assume that all higher powers, as you label them, are also by definition inconsistent or otherwise of suboptimal usefulness?

Snövit: Suboptimal usefulness! That's putting it mildly! We don't need the meddling of obscure and conspiring celestial gits.

Rapunzel: Be that as it may the object of debate is which kind of help is the most useful in an amazons career and I have yet to come to the conclusion that one is always preferable to the other. Consider the combat shrine for example. Bowazons are typically at a critical state in their development when facing normal Diablo. The main damage skills are not developed enough and powerful equipment is rare at that particular stage of the game, as opposed to the next Act.

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Therefore, such one-time obstacles may present a greater impediment than a whole Act together. The prime example would be the Ancients of course. And in such cases a boost of decisive importance for just one short moment may prove more valuable for the overall progress than the addition of a very powerful item.

Rödluvan: Like the fire shrine! Boom!

Snövit: We were talking about temporary beneficial boons, not reckless pyromaniac behaviour.

Rapunzel: And reversely, the discovery of a key object, such as a gem or rune that allows for a weapon upgrade prior to an important confrontation, may just as well outdo any shrine in importance...

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Maltatai: Never a moments peace for those dealing with bowazons and javazons. But perhaps some will be found in the next episode. Over and out.
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