Etdlahq Memorial Bar - your shelter from forum crashes
- Thread starter Shade
- Start date
Apparently that's where the aussie accent comes from originally, slurring so much it became normal.
Agree'd, you might want a Frenchman.
Agree'd, you might want a Frenchman.
In Australia the legal limit is 0.05. That is you must be above 0.05 at all times.
That'd be tops.
"Where are you off too sir?"
"Oh just heading to work officer"
"Well just blow into the tube until I tell you to stop"
*Heavy breathing*
"Ah seems here you are only 0.02, luckily i'm feeling generous so i'll let you off with a bundy. have a good one"
There's a department for that, whatever it is?
Fortunately I'm as clueless as ever about these things.
....so it's a dog, and Kestegs thought it was a sexual favour?
I really regret bringing sheep into the bar now.
On a more serious note....
what do you do?
What do you do when you know that there's no way you can talk to your parents in a normal way, and you know this because you've tried and tried and tried and tried, again and again and again. What do you do with the nagging guilt that tells you it's still not enough - it's your parents after all - but you know that it's futile, draining, and has therefor affected your health?
What do you do when you know your father is ill - has been for a long time. Skin cancer is eating him away bit by bit. Every other month - sometimes every month - they cut a bit out of him. Bit by bit.
A man who, for his peace and quiet - and for not having to do any cooking or laundry or other girly things - gave in, and gave up, thinking that family works and that you don't have to do anything for it. The best words to describe my father, from my point of view, are absent and apathic. He turned away, he pretended not to see what was happening, for the sake of his own peace and quiet, and in certain knowledge that it didn't matter: when he retires, his daughters will visit, with their husbands and their children and all will be grand.
Nor my sister nor I never married. I never visit and my parents are not allowed to visit me anymore: after they crossed the line too often, too far, and me allowing to let them cross the lines again and again, too often, too far, until it had to stop in order for me to live. It's vastly improved my life, even when I still have to tell myself every day I'm allowed to be alive. (I think there will be a day I don't have to anymore).
What do you do, when you feel bad about this sad, lonely man, but know that if you reach out, you stand to lose the tiny grains of selfconfidence you gathered over the last years as with inviting him back in your life, you also invite your parents terror back in and refusing to let them rule your life again turns again into the old battle that brought you on the brink of despair and ill health in the first place.
I know I've tried my best to make things right with my parents, talked to them, listened to them, tried to make them understand how their wellmeant unpleasantness is not supportive at all, but it is water on a duck's back: all I get is how nice and supportive they were, throughout, despite me being so horrible. I've tried my best, and more, to the point of it being futile. Why's the guilt still on me then? Why am I the one feeling I may have regrets when my father dies, when they have no regrets whatsoever?
what do you do?
What do you do when you know that there's no way you can talk to your parents in a normal way, and you know this because you've tried and tried and tried and tried, again and again and again. What do you do with the nagging guilt that tells you it's still not enough - it's your parents after all - but you know that it's futile, draining, and has therefor affected your health?
What do you do when you know your father is ill - has been for a long time. Skin cancer is eating him away bit by bit. Every other month - sometimes every month - they cut a bit out of him. Bit by bit.
A man who, for his peace and quiet - and for not having to do any cooking or laundry or other girly things - gave in, and gave up, thinking that family works and that you don't have to do anything for it. The best words to describe my father, from my point of view, are absent and apathic. He turned away, he pretended not to see what was happening, for the sake of his own peace and quiet, and in certain knowledge that it didn't matter: when he retires, his daughters will visit, with their husbands and their children and all will be grand.
Nor my sister nor I never married. I never visit and my parents are not allowed to visit me anymore: after they crossed the line too often, too far, and me allowing to let them cross the lines again and again, too often, too far, until it had to stop in order for me to live. It's vastly improved my life, even when I still have to tell myself every day I'm allowed to be alive. (I think there will be a day I don't have to anymore).
What do you do, when you feel bad about this sad, lonely man, but know that if you reach out, you stand to lose the tiny grains of selfconfidence you gathered over the last years as with inviting him back in your life, you also invite your parents terror back in and refusing to let them rule your life again turns again into the old battle that brought you on the brink of despair and ill health in the first place.
I know I've tried my best to make things right with my parents, talked to them, listened to them, tried to make them understand how their wellmeant unpleasantness is not supportive at all, but it is water on a duck's back: all I get is how nice and supportive they were, throughout, despite me being so horrible. I've tried my best, and more, to the point of it being futile. Why's the guilt still on me then? Why am I the one feeling I may have regrets when my father dies, when they have no regrets whatsoever?
Kestegs
New member
- Aug 27, 2008
- 49,770
- 12
- 3
I'm so very inexperienced in that department.
Well, that's of course a very tough one. I can tell you what I think I would do in your situation is all. And I do remember a lot of previous details you've given in the past as well.
I would not change anything. If my parents had treated me that way I would be done with them until they changed. I didn't speak to my dad for years because of the way he acted. But that's me, and I am not you of course.
Essentially the guilt still resides on you because you allow it to. I don't say that to be mean, I know that guilt is deeply imbedded by them through years of emotional abuse, but it is still ultimately in your control.
You also don't know that they have no regrets. They may never admit to anything of that nature, but that doesn't mean they're not there. You have to decide whether you can live the rest of your life in peace if he/they were to die soon and nothing changed. Because I expect death won't bring any resolution to anything at all.
Ariadne, I have similar problems with my father, he just isn't there, he expects his children to keep contact with him but nothing comes from his side so I stopped contacting him.
My wife and I have tried explaining it to him and he just doesn't get it.
My mother on the other hand is a saint.
A psychologist did wonders for me, learning to accept it in't my fault and that I can do nothing about it, he made his bed let him lie in it.
My wife and I have tried explaining it to him and he just doesn't get it.
My mother on the other hand is a saint.
A psychologist did wonders for me, learning to accept it in't my fault and that I can do nothing about it, he made his bed let him lie in it.
@Ariadne - I know I don't poke my head in here too often, but I really have to second what kamap said. My wife and I have both dealt with similar situations from both our families (my parents, her grandparents - we no longer speak to either). The hardest part is truly understanding that it isn't your fault, there's nothing you can do to change them now, and there was never anything you could have done that would have changed the course of this. The frustrating part for me was that no matter how hard I tried to work things out and salvage relationships, it's completely impossible if one party will not admit any wrongs. I look at it this way; would I maintain contact with a friend who treated me this way? Would I feel bad about removing them from my life? That's a resounding no, for me. Family shouldn't get preferential treatment just because they happen to be related to you. Relationships are earned, not inherited.
If you haven't already, look into narcissistic parents and the psychology behind it. It really helped me to realize how their brains are working in these situations, and although I can't relate to it on a personal level, it helps to understand just why the hell they do some of the stuff that they do (and it always helps to see that there are many many people out there dealing with the same -or similar- situations). As kamap said, sometimes you just need someone to freaking LISTEN to you, so seeking out a professional (if that's an option) could be immensely helpful as well.
I'm terribly sorry you're having to deal with this. I wish you the absolute best, and hope that you can shed the guilt from this. You don't deserve it at all. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk.
If you haven't already, look into narcissistic parents and the psychology behind it. It really helped me to realize how their brains are working in these situations, and although I can't relate to it on a personal level, it helps to understand just why the hell they do some of the stuff that they do (and it always helps to see that there are many many people out there dealing with the same -or similar- situations). As kamap said, sometimes you just need someone to freaking LISTEN to you, so seeking out a professional (if that's an option) could be immensely helpful as well.
I'm terribly sorry you're having to deal with this. I wish you the absolute best, and hope that you can shed the guilt from this. You don't deserve it at all. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk.
Kestegs
New member
- Aug 27, 2008
- 49,770
- 12
- 3
Well said. I like your philosophy about friends vs family relationships, it's verry similar to how I see things. The only real difference is that I am much more inclined to forgive/reconcile a family relationship if they seek it out.
Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!
I watched that movie this week. Can't wait until my son is old enough to watch it with me.
Google