*drinks two glasses of wine*
I saw a therapist yesterday to try to get through the feeling of extreme anger with my ex-husband. To be able to move on I need to stop being so angry all the time. My sleep is starting to suffer and I need to make some changes
For me, I came to the realization that having these feelings is a bit like control. If I allow myself to hate her, be disgusted, angry, rage, feel personally betrayed and attacked, insulted -- I'm just giving her power over me. I don't want her to have power over me!
I don't know anything about what makes him ex- and why you are angry, and certainly I don't mean to belittle it, or downplay it. Once I realized that I didn't want her to have any power over me, any and all feelings just melted away.
Could be just a coping mechanism. I was not ready to have kids, she wanted to have kids (she already had 1 from a previous marriage) very badly, and we planned to spend the rest of our lives together. I wanted more time to increase our financial standings, get into a better house, secure our future. She decided, and I will never know why, that she had to have a child with me, or leave. I compromised.
Years later, her affair isn't what necessarily broke our marriage. It was her reason for having the affair. She had grown tired of being a mother. Seriously? 6 years ago I told her I wasn't ready to have kids, now that you've got 3 (2 are mine) you want to walk away? That, right there, is the ultimate check-mate. We played a game. We danced around in life for 5 years before having a child together, and then 6 years after. She broke my very identity. I was a guy with a plan, with no kids, that wasn't ready for kids, to a guy now raising 3 kids on my own. All that is to say, I understand having feelings towards an ex-spouse.
Circle back around, and I'll end this post, because I'm feeling like I've gone on a bit of rant.
Someone I respect very much told me this at the end of my driveway late at night: "You can not control someone else's heart." This was his conclusion to a conversation about "why me?" and "what could I have done differently?" and such.
I hope this helps you to see things in a different light. The more feelings you have towards him, the more power he has over your life. *cheers*