Game Informers Sacred Cow Barbecue
The video game world has a few games that are held above all others as paragons of brilliant design. Even years after their release, these titles continue to be praised by fans and the press alike as timeless classics. Read on to find out why your favorite games just aren't very good.
Oh, and just to make sure we've made absolutely everyone mad, here's a list of other things that suck: Star Wars, anime, Arrested Development, puppy dogs, gummi bears, The Lords of the Rings, ninjas, comic books, D&D, Kevin Smith movies, and pizza. Yuck!
Grand Theft Auto III Rockstar, 2001
Ah yes, the game the changed the world! Brilliant, mind-blowing, visionary - and kinda crappy when you come right down to it. GTA III proves that if you can't do one thing right, just do a whole bunch of stuff poorly. Combining mediocre racing, mediocre action, and a load of banal gangster movie cliches someone scraped off the bottom of Martin Scorcese's Italian loafers, GTA III offers a heaping helping of lukewarm gameplay to meathead jocks the world over. It's like the Old Country Buffet of video games; you'll definitely your fill, but the bad aftertaste left by the shoddy mechanics leave you with little more then regret and a gut ache when you're done. Let's not even get into the tedious objective - its not for nothing that this resulted in the coining of the term "pizza delivery mission". Sadly, a lot of the 80 hours you spend in liberty city aren't much more exciting than working the night shift at domino's, but without the tips. In its defense, it does have a lot of swearing. Which seems to be enough for the millions of unemployed 19-year-olds in pit-stained Eminem shirts that make up this game's target audience.
Starcraft Blizzard Entertainment, 1998
We can only wonder what the meeting was like when Starcraft got dreamed up. "Hey guys, I got a great idea! What if we took command & conquer... and put it in space?!" Seriously, what does Starcraft do that hadn't been done before, ad nauseum, by the RTS genre? Besides rip off Starship Troopers, Alien, and Warhammer 40,000, that is. Oh, the fanboys will scream about the brilliant balancing and "purity" of Starcraft's online play, but how many patches have come and gone, nullifying strategy because they where "too powerful?" Not the mention that its hard to maintain an even playing field when half of your users are using readily available undetectable cheats. Delude yourselves all you want, but rushing zerglings into your enemy's base in the first five minutes of play takes about as much skill as button-mashing you way to victory in Kubiki Warriors.
The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time Nintendo, 1998
"I want to tell you about the awesomest new game hero I created! Basically he's a sexually ambiguous elf who looks sort of like Sandy Duncan in a weird anime version of Peter Pan! Oh, and I forgot the best part! His best friend is a beautiful pony and one of his super powers is being really good at playing the flute!" Speaking a sentence like that in high school would earn you little more then a few more nicknames and a massive wedgie. However, in the strange world of gamers, that statement results in you being browned a genius. Who knew? Maybe Nintendo was looking to tap that elusive "middle-aged ladies who live with 12 cats and collect Precious Moments figurines" demographic? This N64 "classic" features hour upon hour of tedious dungeons, goofy puzzles, and blurry graphics that will make you think your tv screen has been painted with a thick coat of vaseline. Also, after all these years, do you think that someone in the brain trust could actually figure out a way to implement a jump button already? Perhaps that's asking too much.
Resident Evil 2 Capcom, 1997
The truth is alway scary, and so it makes sense that Resident Evil 2 is totally terrifying. Think about it - Claire manipulates the police stations security system by carrying a series of colored medallions from one Greco-Roman statue to another, only to find a grenade launcher just sitting in a corner. then, when her backpack is too full with potted plants and a lockpick she deposits the weapon into a magical box that will make the item available from any of the other similar-looking storage boxes strewn throughout the city.
Because that, like, totally makes sense, It's also good that the shuffling, moaning, undead are a slow-moving force to be reckoned with, because the true horror of RE 2 comes from the old control scheme, with makes your onscreen avatar move about as well as a hummer with four flat tires. This is often tagged as one of the games that proved video games could be every bit as cinematic and engrossing as film. which is true, if the films in question are those Shannon Tweed booby flicks they show at 2 Am on Cinemax. Admit it: the incomprehensible plot and voice "acting" wouldn't even make the grade in the next Leprechaun movie.
ICO Sony Computer Entertainment America, 2001
Okay we can deal with the seemingly end-less and annoying puzzles, the fuzzy graphics, and combat that makes Myst as visceral as God of War. But do we have to do all of this while leading around a princess that's about as useless as a drunk four-year-old? Good God, woman! Learn to do something for yourself for once! Do we literally have to hold your hand through this entire game? Oh, wait, yes, actually we do! Now we know how Paris Hilton's body guards must feel when they have to lead her back to her hotel after a night out in L.A. The games much-vaunted "plot" and lack of dialogue serves only to prove that one man's "haunting and emotional" is another man's "boring as hell." The environmental switch puzzles were critically panned as dull and counter-intuitive when they where in the last few Tomb Raider games, but somehow became brilliant when ICO recycled them, which shows you just how true the saying "perception is reality" is. Throw in a "surprise ending" that should come as a chock to anyone that's never seen Days of Our Lives, and you got yet another critically acclaimed pile of stink.
Halo Microsoft, 2001
Halo completely revolutionized the fist-person shooter genre, Or, thats what you might think if you'd had your head shoved up your butt for 10 years and hadn't touched a pc game since the original doom. Here's yet another game that proves that "greatness" is more a matter of opinion. Sure, compared to Bloodwake or any of Microsoft's dreadful early Xbox entries, this was a masterpiece, but the fact remains that Halo is perhaps the most overrated game of all time. Hey, do you like those levels? Good, because you're going to have to go back to them all again because Bungie couldn't manage to actually make a complete game. halo also earns our ire for introducing the needler, the lamest and most useless weapon since the spitwad. On the plus side, Halo's vehicles are a great way to experience what drunk driving feels like without risking you life on the freeway. Still not convinced? Let's not fail to mention Master Chief, a faceless game hero so free of charisma that he makes Vice President **** Cheney seem like David Lee Roth by comparison, or the story, which is insipid sci-fi boilerplate not fit for the script to an episode of Cleopatra 2025.
Katamari Damacy Namco, 2004
Namco's award-winning Katamari Damacy has generally been praised as one of the best examples of truly creative game development in recent years. Sure... why not? Rolling a ball around for 10 hours is an entertaining way to spend a Sunday - if you're a cocker spaniel. However actual humans who play katamari might begin to wonder why in the hell a game with goofy control scheme, Saturn-quality graphics, mind numblingly repetitive game play, and a butchered camera is considered a stand of "excellence" by hardcore gamers the world over. If we were cynical, we'd say its because certain corners of the internet will convince themselves that anything silly and from Japan is inherently great, but that would just be crazy talk!
Final Fantasy VII Square Soft, 1997
Final Fantasy VII is not your high school sweetheart. Just because it was the first one to break your heart doesn't mean that better games wont come along, in fact, FF VII's major long lasting contribution to gaming (Besides making nerds cry) is the prettiest male villain in history. seriously, you'd think the FF gang was dressed entirely in in clothes left over from Duran Duran's 1984 world tour. And what is Cloud doing while the fashionably yet feminine Sephiroth is destroying the world? Decorating weapons with jewelry, talking to a stuffed animal, and making birds do it. Hey, you cant rush heroism...especially when your most powerful magic attacks clocks in at a full minute. It's a sad day when watching a metallic space-dragon incinerate an entire hemisphere is just boring. oh and "One Winged Angel" is a Carmina Burana rip off. Deal with it.
Metal Gear Solid Konami, 1998
Metal Gear Solid proves that to be considered a classic, all you need is a plot so convoluted that people are embarrassed to admit they don't understand it. Recessive genes? Ear pulling? Cyborg ninjas? throw it all in. The more jumbled the story, the harder it is to realize that you just snuck by a guard while wearing a cardboard box. It's a good thing the hobos down by the docks aren't involved in nuclear politics; they've got more cardboard boxes than you can count! And if that doesn't sell it, the characters names have been taken from an erectile dysfunctional information pamphlet will seal the deal. How does solid snake firmly defeat his flaccid counter part? With the seemingly boundless military arsenal in his pants. Hey, Snake! is that a Nikita missile launcher in your pocket or are you happy to see us? The only thing that could make this game worse is a hero who's haircut makes him look like the weird dude in your high school in the Megadeth jean jacket who always hung out at the convince store...oops.
Super Mario Brothers Nintendo, 1985
Video games have long helped us escape the drudgery of our boring existence by allowing us to enter amazing worlds of fantasy. For example, what child doesn't dream of someday stepping into the shoes of...an over weight plumber with a *** cop mustache! For crap's sake, we at least expect our gaming avatars to have more exiting jobs than we do in real life. Yep, Mario is sure a great character, and so is Luigi, who is totally distinguishable from Mario because he wears different colored clothes. The "save the princess" storyline is trite, and even worse because you spend most of your time saving some weird guy named toad instead. The levels are extremely simplistic and so is the gameplay, which largely revolves around bonking your head on bricks. We'll say one thing for this game, at least its short; if you're good, and know you warp pipes, you can cruise through it in under an hour. And did those underwater levels really suck that much when we were kids? Answer:yes, they did; we just didn't know any better back then. So, yes, we respect the hell out of Super Mario Bros., as long as we don't actually have to play the damn thing.
