A first post! Make an intro thread
@Maltatai,
There are awesome
I haven't read the latest one, but i'll be sure to do so 
The misadventures of two untwinked bowazons - episode 1
- Thread starter Maltatai
- Start date
@Maltatai,
There are awesome
I haven't read the latest one, but i'll be sure to do so 
- Feb 2, 2012
- 6,135
- 154
- 63
yeah these are great! especially since they seem to have stopped making OOTS, this is a great alternative!
OOTS? If that is short for the comic Order of the Stick you have my tremendous thanks for mentioning it, because I looked it up just now and it was really funny oint:
:thanks: everyone for commenting, that's very nice of you :thankyou:
oint::thanks: everyone for commenting, that's very nice of you :thankyou:
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yeah it is for the order of the stick ( i thought that i should be TOOTS but that sounds rediculous.)
I read them like crazy for a few weeks then i got to the finish about 1 month ago, in that whole month only about 2 new ones have come out, its a travesty!
hopefully they start producing more, it's a great comic.
You might want to try Goblins too, similiar DnD theme with a great story, not as funny but the comic visual and storyline is amazing IMO.
I read them like crazy for a few weeks then i got to the finish about 1 month ago, in that whole month only about 2 new ones have come out, its a travesty!
hopefully they start producing more, it's a great comic.
You might want to try Goblins too, similiar DnD theme with a great story, not as funny but the comic visual and storyline is amazing IMO.
Episode 17. Magic Finding Finals Part 2
Maltatai: Do YOU ever get tired of the physically resistant zombie boss packs in Hell Blood Moor that makes you feel that you have entered an impossible difficulty level? Don't YOU find those ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost mobs so obscenely annoying that it's bordering the game-breaking? And would YOU not wish for a safe and sure way to make those Doom- and Oblivion Knight packs shut up and die a second time?
Want to be rid of everything bony and spectral from burning dead to Top Model contestants? Then Holy Bolt is the spell for you! Destroys all undead, regardless of immunities. Holy Bolt - when Sanctuary is too risky and elemental magic too expensive. Holy Bolt - a spell to trust. Holy Bolt - the sound of it will be music to your ears. Order today and you will get a discount at the Congregated Cleric Company which may be used within the next five...
Rödluvan: NOOOO! Begone foul sponsors! Marketing mischief and capitalistic conspiracy! Away with it!
Maltatai: ...AAaand after that short note from our sponsors we continue with the last part of the magic finding finals! The Red Flames are positively burning to present their counter to the last thrilling show of the Blue Snow! Over to you, Rödluvan.
Rödluvan: Just a moment, I am soon done strafing every remaining advertising personnel...
Maltatai: OK, OK, no more advertising. Happy now?
Rödluvan: Oh, yes. My second wave of awesome loot begun with an odd little throwing knife stack. Nice enhancement. The gauntlets I found later were disgustingly white.
Snövit: Sounds beautiful.
Rödluvan: To the disgusting people, naturally. A big maul looked so cool with its skull-shaped head it was hardly believable. Even less believable was the enormous damage on a normal unique item. Wooow...
Maltatai: Commonly known as Bonesnap, yes.
Rödluvan: Moving through the Bloody Foothills I managed to cause a triple volcanic eruption - very nice fireworks hahahaa! A large charm I found ensured I would not accidently get burned by the flames.
Maltatai: Fat chance, with protagonist characters being constantly immune to their own spells...but nice charm.
Rödluvan: I can also proudly announce that the Amazon Collective has recently displayed tremendous care for its servant…employees. Telash is now wearing a most enlightening skull cap that improves his flashing.
Telash: Fear me!
Rödluvan: A pair of boots were great for running bosses for items but lacked resistances. Pity.
Had I been a French Paladin I would have been happier with that hammer. WHY do we get so much melee moron equipment and so little good bows?
And I am not a Barbarian or a Druid either...
A gem shrine provided light in the darkness.
The demonhide sash was ugly but useful.
Then, finally, a real Amazon weapon! Skystrike! It can drop meteors!
Maltatai: Nice, fast bow. But will it do enough damage?
Rödluvan: It is a bit weak. I have kept it for the speed and +skills to use for fire arrows or possibly quick lightning damage against physical/fire immunes. If I had more +skills from an amulet or circlet it would perhaps be worth more than now to get the extra speed. We'll see. Such a shame it wasn't Riphook or Kuko Shakaku.
A pair of demonhide gloves were also great but outdone by a more relevant one I already wear, which have increased attack speed.
In one other charm I found a little snake resting. It must have been a very strong and sustainable charm because the snake was more or less undisturbed – phew!
After another raid through the countess' stores I was close to cubing a Lum rune!
And for the second time, I am no Barbarian, nor am I a Patriarch! But I liked the flawed topaz. It was almost as charming as the small lightning resistance charm I found.
The Iceblink was a little too late to be useful, yet it is a very interesting armour.
And now, look at those boots!
Maltatai: Good, now you can switch boots depending on what elements seem the most dangerous. That's always good.
Rödluvan: And collect extra taxes, don't forget that. Especially corporations and ice can look forward to a raise, hehehehehe!
Snövit: Over my melted arrows!
Rödluvan: You will have no chance against me! I have a large charm of cold resistance...
Snövit: 4%, ooooh I'm so scared! Not.
Rödluvan: And an Um Rune!
Maltatai: "blinks"
Snövit: "gasping for air" Not...fair...
Rödluvan: Taking advantage of the unusual peace and quiet around here, very nice indeed, I would like to add this lovely little ring here with life stealing and light resistance...I mean lightning resistance.
Once again I must note that I AM NOT A DRUID! They smell funny.
The long war bow had some stylish +skills but I found it too weak and slow. Still splendid skills focus by the bowyer.
Following the discovery of an unusually fine Shael rune...
Maltatai: Unusually fine? Aren't they all the same?
Rödluvan: To the inattentive layman perhaps. Telash assured me that this rune, which was promptly inserted in a purchased blade in the normal shadow realm, is of supreme quality.
Maltatai: I see. How comforting to be reassured by such a knowledgeable, objective and unbiased source.
Rödluvan: Yes...now, early during the first test runs for Telashs new blade I found a great green War Belt! I AM NOT A BARBA...hrm, but it still never hurts to get a new perspective of things and be open to other cultures and styles, eh, hrm, hehe...
Maltatai: I am sure that modified perspective had absolutely nothing to do with the huge resistance and strength bonuses of the belt...
Rödluvan: Yes, strength bonuses! Would you like a demonstration? Perhaps a kick in the guts?
Maltatai: I'm no barrel. You can't kick me.
Rödluvan: Nuts.
Maltatai: First guts, now nuts. Make up your mind!
Rödluvan: Fine, I spare you for now.
Maltatai: Look, there are the gauntlets of quarrelling!
Rödluvan: ???
Maltatai: Frostburn. The name can be associated with both of you, thus being a source of endless discussion and debate. Not that you need one.
Rödluvan: Thank you for the insightful comment. Now to fashion report: red is the colour of the season for boots, if you didnöt know. Someone who does know is Hsarus. AND I AM NOT A SMELLY, CLUMSY, FUR-BRAINED DRUIIIIID!!!
Maltatai: That concludes the Magic Finding Cup! I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves and your loot.
The hat medal goes to Rödluvan for the grand Grand Crown of Thieves, which is about the most stylish thing she could wear with it's massive red life stealing.
The amulet medal goes to Snövit for finding Plague Torc, the rare medal with +skills and resistances.
The armour medal goes to Snövit for finding Hwanins armour - useful armours have otherwise been mysteriously absent lately.
The ring medal goes to Snövit for the Dwarf Star.
The belt medal goes to Snövit for Thundergods Vigor.
The weapon medal goes to Rödluvan for finding Skystrike.
The boot medal goes to Snövit for the War Traveller.
The glove medal goes to Rödluvan for the Demon Touch rare demonhide gloves.
The rune medal goes to Rödluvan for her obscene luck of getting both a Lem and an Um rune.
The charm (for finding charms, NOT for being charming) medal goes to Snövit for the 30% Ruby Grand charm of Greed (30% fire resistance of course. I can't believe anyone would ask about this).
The best mercenary equipment medal goes to Rödluvan for making both a Lore hat and a Crescent Moon sword for Telash.
And the overall Winner...
Snövit: Yes?
Rödluvan: Me?
Snövit: Me?
Maltatai: ...seems to be Rödluvan at the moment due to her fantastic luck with the runes but the coming trials in the form of fierce battles with the evil legions of evil and the even more evil ancients will decide.
Snövit: WHAT!?
Rödluvan: And what does the winner get? All the loot of the loser, perhaps?
Maltatai: The winner...survives and will be immortalized in eternal glory.
Snövit: So the winner of the Cup is the one who succeeds in slaughtering the last of the incompetent sauerkraut-for-brains demons of Baal?
Rödluvan: HA! Easily done!
Telash: Exactly! Woohooo! Right!
Maltatai: What's up with him?
Rödluvan: It is some sort of after effect of the overjoying experience of receiving the Crescent Moon sword. Do you know how unusual it is for an untwinked Act 3 mercenary to get such a piece of gear? Not to mention to be hired at all in the first place... Oh, I guess you do, you seem quite knowledgeable of this world despite never appearing here. Telash has been even more mad than usual ever since he got to try out that new lightning conductor.
Telash: Lightning conductor?! What?! How dare you insult my supreme weapon like that? I'll have you know that this blade is rune-o-matic
It's systematic
It's hydromatic (on second thought it isn't, water should not be mixed with lightning spells)
I conjure greased lightning!
We'll get some overseer lifters and some four arrow strafe, oh yeah
I keep talking, whoa, keep talking
Foe intestine cutoffs and chrome plated hilt, oh yeah
I get the money, I kill to get the money
With the Ancients on the floor, loot be waiting through the door
You know from just this bit, Snowy Hag will have a fit from greased lightning
Spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell
Rödluvan: Hahahahaha!
Snövit: Snowy Hag!?
Telash: Go greased lightning, you're burning up the demon Baal
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you're flashing through the heat lap trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks'll scream for greased lightning
Rödluvan: You have been more effective lately but don't overdo it, ok?
Telash: I'll get some purple royal mantle and thirty inch crown, oh yeah
Olympic mountain penthouse and dual blondie twins, oh yeah
With new arcs and bolts and shocks I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain't bragging, on the house you'll get your flagon
Greased lightning
Flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash
Go greased lightning, you're burning every Prime Evil
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you're putting Tyrael to trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks will dream, of greased lightning
Bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt
Rödluvan: Now hold up there! I do not DREAM of your lightning spells!
Snövit: What the heck has gotten into your collective?
Maltatai: Keeping with the Greek lightning god delusions of grandeur theme I Think "hubris" is the correct diagnosis. Well, you'll have an interesting time in front of you, Rödluvan. Just don't rely too much on a stealthy approach to monsters.
Rödluvan: ...
Maltatai: Just a thought. I could be wrong, of course, but I think it might be hard with that singing bird behind you.
Rödluvan: Can't we talk about something else?
Maltatai: Like what?
Rödluvan: I don't know. Rabbits.
Maltatai: Rabbits?
Rödluvan: Small, furry creatures with large ears.
Maltatai: I know what rabbits are! What about them?
Rödluvan: How come they manage to survive unharmed in the middle of a battlefield with bloodthirsty demons on all sides and fiery arrows flying all over the place?
Snövit: Yes, they are totally immune to magic! Even stuff that is close to the ground like miss socialist’s volcano.
Maltatai: I don't know. Obviously some hidden power. Perhaps a bit like Khalim, whose body parts proved indestructible for the Zakarum church - just like the barbarians never manage to grill the few rabbits they manage to kill despite holding them over their fires day and night.
Rödluvan: I actually saw this rabbit superpower manifest itself once. It looked a bit like the boons from the protective shrines. Maybe it is the rabbits who have built them all?
Maltatai: I'm afraid I don't know who this mysterious Alice is either. I shall have to look it up. I'll ask around among cooperative rockers and dibbling vicars. Over and out.
Want to be rid of everything bony and spectral from burning dead to Top Model contestants? Then Holy Bolt is the spell for you! Destroys all undead, regardless of immunities. Holy Bolt - when Sanctuary is too risky and elemental magic too expensive. Holy Bolt - a spell to trust. Holy Bolt - the sound of it will be music to your ears. Order today and you will get a discount at the Congregated Cleric Company which may be used within the next five...
Rödluvan: NOOOO! Begone foul sponsors! Marketing mischief and capitalistic conspiracy! Away with it!
Maltatai: ...AAaand after that short note from our sponsors we continue with the last part of the magic finding finals! The Red Flames are positively burning to present their counter to the last thrilling show of the Blue Snow! Over to you, Rödluvan.
Rödluvan: Just a moment, I am soon done strafing every remaining advertising personnel...
Maltatai: OK, OK, no more advertising. Happy now?
Rödluvan: Oh, yes. My second wave of awesome loot begun with an odd little throwing knife stack. Nice enhancement. The gauntlets I found later were disgustingly white.
Snövit: Sounds beautiful.
Rödluvan: To the disgusting people, naturally. A big maul looked so cool with its skull-shaped head it was hardly believable. Even less believable was the enormous damage on a normal unique item. Wooow...
Maltatai: Commonly known as Bonesnap, yes.
Rödluvan: Moving through the Bloody Foothills I managed to cause a triple volcanic eruption - very nice fireworks hahahaa! A large charm I found ensured I would not accidently get burned by the flames.
Maltatai: Fat chance, with protagonist characters being constantly immune to their own spells...but nice charm.
Rödluvan: I can also proudly announce that the Amazon Collective has recently displayed tremendous care for its servant…employees. Telash is now wearing a most enlightening skull cap that improves his flashing.
Telash: Fear me!
Rödluvan: A pair of boots were great for running bosses for items but lacked resistances. Pity.
Had I been a French Paladin I would have been happier with that hammer. WHY do we get so much melee moron equipment and so little good bows?
And I am not a Barbarian or a Druid either...
A gem shrine provided light in the darkness.
The demonhide sash was ugly but useful.
Then, finally, a real Amazon weapon! Skystrike! It can drop meteors!
Maltatai: Nice, fast bow. But will it do enough damage?
Rödluvan: It is a bit weak. I have kept it for the speed and +skills to use for fire arrows or possibly quick lightning damage against physical/fire immunes. If I had more +skills from an amulet or circlet it would perhaps be worth more than now to get the extra speed. We'll see. Such a shame it wasn't Riphook or Kuko Shakaku.
A pair of demonhide gloves were also great but outdone by a more relevant one I already wear, which have increased attack speed.
In one other charm I found a little snake resting. It must have been a very strong and sustainable charm because the snake was more or less undisturbed – phew!
After another raid through the countess' stores I was close to cubing a Lum rune!
And for the second time, I am no Barbarian, nor am I a Patriarch! But I liked the flawed topaz. It was almost as charming as the small lightning resistance charm I found.
The Iceblink was a little too late to be useful, yet it is a very interesting armour.
And now, look at those boots!
Maltatai: Good, now you can switch boots depending on what elements seem the most dangerous. That's always good.
Rödluvan: And collect extra taxes, don't forget that. Especially corporations and ice can look forward to a raise, hehehehehe!
Snövit: Over my melted arrows!
Rödluvan: You will have no chance against me! I have a large charm of cold resistance...
Snövit: 4%, ooooh I'm so scared! Not.
Rödluvan: And an Um Rune!
Maltatai: "blinks"
Snövit: "gasping for air" Not...fair...
Rödluvan: Taking advantage of the unusual peace and quiet around here, very nice indeed, I would like to add this lovely little ring here with life stealing and light resistance...I mean lightning resistance.
Once again I must note that I AM NOT A DRUID! They smell funny.
The long war bow had some stylish +skills but I found it too weak and slow. Still splendid skills focus by the bowyer.
Following the discovery of an unusually fine Shael rune...
Maltatai: Unusually fine? Aren't they all the same?
Rödluvan: To the inattentive layman perhaps. Telash assured me that this rune, which was promptly inserted in a purchased blade in the normal shadow realm, is of supreme quality.
Maltatai: I see. How comforting to be reassured by such a knowledgeable, objective and unbiased source.
Rödluvan: Yes...now, early during the first test runs for Telashs new blade I found a great green War Belt! I AM NOT A BARBA...hrm, but it still never hurts to get a new perspective of things and be open to other cultures and styles, eh, hrm, hehe...
Maltatai: I am sure that modified perspective had absolutely nothing to do with the huge resistance and strength bonuses of the belt...
Rödluvan: Yes, strength bonuses! Would you like a demonstration? Perhaps a kick in the guts?
Maltatai: I'm no barrel. You can't kick me.
Rödluvan: Nuts.
Maltatai: First guts, now nuts. Make up your mind!
Rödluvan: Fine, I spare you for now.
Maltatai: Look, there are the gauntlets of quarrelling!
Rödluvan: ???
Maltatai: Frostburn. The name can be associated with both of you, thus being a source of endless discussion and debate. Not that you need one.
Rödluvan: Thank you for the insightful comment. Now to fashion report: red is the colour of the season for boots, if you didnöt know. Someone who does know is Hsarus. AND I AM NOT A SMELLY, CLUMSY, FUR-BRAINED DRUIIIIID!!!
Maltatai: That concludes the Magic Finding Cup! I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves and your loot.
The hat medal goes to Rödluvan for the grand Grand Crown of Thieves, which is about the most stylish thing she could wear with it's massive red life stealing.
The amulet medal goes to Snövit for finding Plague Torc, the rare medal with +skills and resistances.
The armour medal goes to Snövit for finding Hwanins armour - useful armours have otherwise been mysteriously absent lately.
The ring medal goes to Snövit for the Dwarf Star.
The belt medal goes to Snövit for Thundergods Vigor.
The weapon medal goes to Rödluvan for finding Skystrike.
The boot medal goes to Snövit for the War Traveller.
The glove medal goes to Rödluvan for the Demon Touch rare demonhide gloves.
The rune medal goes to Rödluvan for her obscene luck of getting both a Lem and an Um rune.
The charm (for finding charms, NOT for being charming) medal goes to Snövit for the 30% Ruby Grand charm of Greed (30% fire resistance of course. I can't believe anyone would ask about this).
The best mercenary equipment medal goes to Rödluvan for making both a Lore hat and a Crescent Moon sword for Telash.
And the overall Winner...
Snövit: Yes?
Rödluvan: Me?
Snövit: Me?
Maltatai: ...seems to be Rödluvan at the moment due to her fantastic luck with the runes but the coming trials in the form of fierce battles with the evil legions of evil and the even more evil ancients will decide.
Snövit: WHAT!?
Rödluvan: And what does the winner get? All the loot of the loser, perhaps?
Maltatai: The winner...survives and will be immortalized in eternal glory.
Snövit: So the winner of the Cup is the one who succeeds in slaughtering the last of the incompetent sauerkraut-for-brains demons of Baal?
Rödluvan: HA! Easily done!
Telash: Exactly! Woohooo! Right!
Maltatai: What's up with him?
Rödluvan: It is some sort of after effect of the overjoying experience of receiving the Crescent Moon sword. Do you know how unusual it is for an untwinked Act 3 mercenary to get such a piece of gear? Not to mention to be hired at all in the first place... Oh, I guess you do, you seem quite knowledgeable of this world despite never appearing here. Telash has been even more mad than usual ever since he got to try out that new lightning conductor.
Telash: Lightning conductor?! What?! How dare you insult my supreme weapon like that? I'll have you know that this blade is rune-o-matic
It's systematic
It's hydromatic (on second thought it isn't, water should not be mixed with lightning spells)
I conjure greased lightning!
We'll get some overseer lifters and some four arrow strafe, oh yeah
I keep talking, whoa, keep talking
Foe intestine cutoffs and chrome plated hilt, oh yeah
I get the money, I kill to get the money
With the Ancients on the floor, loot be waiting through the door
You know from just this bit, Snowy Hag will have a fit from greased lightning
Spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell
Rödluvan: Hahahahaha!
Snövit: Snowy Hag!?
Telash: Go greased lightning, you're burning up the demon Baal
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you're flashing through the heat lap trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks'll scream for greased lightning
Rödluvan: You have been more effective lately but don't overdo it, ok?
Telash: I'll get some purple royal mantle and thirty inch crown, oh yeah
Olympic mountain penthouse and dual blondie twins, oh yeah
With new arcs and bolts and shocks I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain't bragging, on the house you'll get your flagon
Greased lightning
Flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash
Go greased lightning, you're burning every Prime Evil
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you're putting Tyrael to trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks will dream, of greased lightning
Bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt
Rödluvan: Now hold up there! I do not DREAM of your lightning spells!
Snövit: What the heck has gotten into your collective?
Maltatai: Keeping with the Greek lightning god delusions of grandeur theme I Think "hubris" is the correct diagnosis. Well, you'll have an interesting time in front of you, Rödluvan. Just don't rely too much on a stealthy approach to monsters.
Rödluvan: ...
Maltatai: Just a thought. I could be wrong, of course, but I think it might be hard with that singing bird behind you.
Rödluvan: Can't we talk about something else?
Maltatai: Like what?
Rödluvan: I don't know. Rabbits.
Maltatai: Rabbits?
Rödluvan: Small, furry creatures with large ears.
Maltatai: I know what rabbits are! What about them?
Rödluvan: How come they manage to survive unharmed in the middle of a battlefield with bloodthirsty demons on all sides and fiery arrows flying all over the place?
Snövit: Yes, they are totally immune to magic! Even stuff that is close to the ground like miss socialist’s volcano.
Maltatai: I don't know. Obviously some hidden power. Perhaps a bit like Khalim, whose body parts proved indestructible for the Zakarum church - just like the barbarians never manage to grill the few rabbits they manage to kill despite holding them over their fires day and night.
Rödluvan: I actually saw this rabbit superpower manifest itself once. It looked a bit like the boons from the protective shrines. Maybe it is the rabbits who have built them all?
Maltatai: I'm afraid I don't know who this mysterious Alice is either. I shall have to look it up. I'll ask around among cooperative rockers and dibbling vicars. Over and out.
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Episode 18. The Nightmare Ends
Maltatai: As the sounds of grumpy muttering and coffee being made fades from the retirement home on the peak two heroines and two supportive sidekicks emerge from the dust and snow of the Worldstone keep. Proudly and arrogantly swaggering through the cheering streets (all four of them) of Harrogath they relax and breathe out of relief from having saved the world from this nightmarish nightmare.
Snövit: And then the storyteller realises that they actually stand right in front of him.
Rödluvan: And that he has really made a fool of himself by making such a melodramatic scene setting when the rest of the episode will end up in a mess of bickering and banter as ususal.
Maltatai: Hey! What self-awareness, quite unexpected. You look quite happy both of you. Would you like to share the good news you have perhaps received or experienced?
Snövit: The grumpy old fossils are down and so is Baal! Now I can travel back to Lut Gholein and buy the town as well as get serious with Meshif!
Rödluvan: And I can establish a collective federation of Amazons in the now deserted northlands. The barbarians could surely use some of our enlightening public education!
Maltatai: How was the journey to this magnificent conquests? Would you like to start telling, mighty conqueror Rödluvan?
Rödluvan: In mighty but light red battle gear I went to hell (where Meshif had not told me to go, hehe) to prebuff Fade by one of the braziers in the River of Flame. Ouch, need more absorbing gear. The demons and beast fled for me and the fury burning in my eyes. The sky, or at least the cave roof, rained lightning and the earth trembled.
Maltatai: Now who's melodramatic?
Rödluvan: Well, maybe the leaf or the conifer cone or perhaps the wind. It depends on who is the storyteller. It can be anyone, really.
Snövit: ???
Maltatai: ???
Rödluvan: Just a funny thing a Hydra Sorceress told me about once. Anyway, Madawc the Mongrel was teleporting but not very often. I guess senility has made him forget to use his powers now and then. Korlic the Coconut-head was spectral hitting. Talic the Teabags-for-Brains was extra fast so he must have finished all his tea and only had extra strong coffee to drink lately. All were old and grumpy and complaining about younger generations and their presumed ineptness. Everything was better in my time this and what has the world turned into that and the youth of today blah blah blah…
I ran down southwest to split the enemy up in a sly and cunning way. It did not work because the old-timers had some kind of obsession with crossbows. As soon as I had Langer Briser in my hands they ignored pretty much everything else and came for me. OK, I know I don't look too shabby but hey, hit on someone of your own age! Born in the same millennium at least... The volcanic wrath of Pompeii slowed them a bit and I was never really in any great danger. Even Telash could tank Korlic for quite some time before needing a rejuvie - the only potion spent apart from three mana potions. All in all an embarrassing fail for the retirement home.
Maltatai: Excellent!
Rödluvan: Once inside the keep I found signs of intelligent life even on this remote world. Rödluvan to the base - the explorer team has located intelligent stair planning with the stairs actually built close to each other!
Maltati: While we're dwelling on the subject, how were the antiquities when you faced them, Snövit?
Snövit: Since I have not yet gotten a battle gear armour or hat I wore around 200% magic finding when facing them. On the way to the summit meeting it proved worthwhile when a golden Zweihander dropped (it is by the way an incorrect name: the two-handed swords were called bidenhänder rather than zweihänder in renaissance Germany)! With it in my hands I could enchant our weapons! Not much damage but lovely 100%-ish attack rating bonus! Only thing was...it turned all the weapons red.
Rödluvan: Hahahaha! I always knew you secretly wanted to be me!
Snövit: I did not and do not! Korlic was obsessed with me too. I guess he was just jealous of my skill with a halberd. Man, it feels GOOD to swing away with that thing, which I had socketed and Shael:ed the same day. Korlic was stone skinned and immune to physical. Duh, big deal... Madawc had a blessed aim aura but he really would have needed a blessed intelligence one because he never managed to get in position properly to aim. Talic was extra fast now as well. He's a real addict. Old fossiles who can't get through the day without regular cup of coffee - is there anything more pathetic?
I also got QUITE a great map for the second level of the Worldstone keep. Beat that, Rödluvan! The third was also good. At the red basement I faced an outrageous stairtrap! Minotaurs...no sense of decency or style. Baals minions were not too much of a trouble, only the second and third wave threatened to destroy my valkyrie. I felt a bit sorry for the poor fallen ones under Colenzo, who had to endure seeing his whole pack melt. Achmel was disgusting and his poison aura seemed to linger even after he was dead. Weird. The hydras were disturbingly strong but the venom lords laughable. Demonic ice cream, anyone? The same goes for the minions of not-too-much-destruction. I'm such an artist, I create sculptures in the middle of battle!
Rödluvan: I found the minions of destruction equally pathetic, hardly even putting a dent into my valkyries armour. The venom lords and their inferno were harder on her, though. But then, it is after all a fire attack and fire is, as everyone knows, dangerous compared to cold or poison or other less important resists.
Snövit: But for the enemy it is an entirely different matter!
Rödluvan: I owned them with strafe mainly. Open wounds RUUUULE!
Maltatai: Yes, I am growing fonder of it every time I play with a wounding character.
Rödluvan: Baal took some time since I lack crushing blow (must get it, red and useful) and Telash doesn't swing his sword enough to process the static field. Eventually he passed out and away. 20+ % life stealing is REALLY nice to have. I do miss weaken charges from a Smoke armour. Hope I'll get one in the future. Then, AFTER everything was secure, the heavenly h@x0r and completely clumsy corroded-rust-for-brains Arch-moron appeared...five and a half metres south of my location looking at the wall. How can anyone entrust even a broken paperbag to this dunghead?
Snövit: We were both, as heretical and blasphemous as it may sound, approaching Tyrael in a coordinated and cooperating manner. The dumb sod was obviously terrified of our rightful wrath but tried to hide it under his usual serene and pompous voice. We asked...
Rödluvan: Roared, I think.
Snövit:...roared how he could miss the whole damned stone that takes up the whole east side of the bridge and why he didn't send someone more accurate if he has such aiming trouble. The fool responded that he would not entrust the sacred mission to anyone of less faith and religious incorruptibility and purity.
Rödluvan: In a shorter, more concise version: He wanted all the glory for himself.
Snövit: Precisely. We spent some more time making sure it was clear exactly what we thought of him and what we had had to go through because the idiot missed last time. Tyrael finally promised to do better this time and opened his portal into "safety".
Rödluvan: But we did of course not use it, being created by that clot. It would probably have led right into a dark abyss or a giant barrel filled with spinach. Instead we took a town portal each back to Harrogath and then back home to the Amazon Islands.
Snövit: But first we stopped to go through the loot and demon corpses. I found myself some VERY nice BLUE gloves from Baals wardrobe. Funny how someone so disgusting keeps such stylish clothing. I had Larzuk personalize them, so they are now "Snövit's Laying Of Hands". Enourmously fashionable!
Rödluvan: I modified them a little...
Maltatai: What? How?
Snövit: Pfeh! She means her immature prank of pasting a piece of cloth with the Words "soon to be felt by Meshif" on them.
Rödluvan: Which is totally correct.
Snövit: Be that as it may, I still think it's ridiculous. By the way, shall we start with the Soul Killers?
Rödluvan: That will be excellent. Could you pass the sauce and the pepper, please?
Maltatai: Soul Killers? And polite requests???
Rödluvan: Ehrm, yes. We are temporarily out of jokes about each other so we have made a truce for now. And to celebrate our victory and the end of this horrible nightmare one needs a grand feast! So we thought about all those demon corpses lying around being useless. The Soul Killers which we both encountered are just the right size for being impaled on a spike - Waheed is great at that - and roasted over the fire. I will of course handle the roasting while Snövit takes care of the cool drinks and the dessert. Telash is setting up the lamps and light and lightning. It will be excellent!
Snövit: I sent Deckard Cain with an invitation to Meshif too. He should be here any time!
Maltatai: Wow, I've never heard of a waypoint on the Amazonian Islands!
Rödluvan: Come on, you know they're everywhere! One can consider oneself fortunate not to discover one in ones bedroom. Those Horadrim really are one trespassing and nosy bunch of magi. Oh, look! There's our guests!
Snövit: Aaaaah! Must get my new gloves! How does my armour look? Is the ponytail allright?
Rödluvan: I would start with checking my breathing if were you. Calm down, you look fine. Except for needing to change colours but we can talk about that later. Now to the grand fireworks of red and blue and white arrows we have prepared! We'll set it off as soon as the Worldstone is down. Should be anytime now.
Snövit: What's that rumbling sound?
Maltatai: It seems to come far from the north. About the direction in which Mount Arreat lies...I think it is high time to destroy that corrupted stone now...
Distant voice: Come on Tyrael, you can do it...nobody else must be allowed to get the glory...breathe out, aim and AWAY!!!
Rödluvan: There's more rumbling! And I can hear a foul demonic voice laughing in the distance!
Distant voice: NO! Darn it, missed again! Oookay, nobody saw it. Now, I just need to find my sword and try again, where is it...I know it went down somewhere here...
Distant foul demonic voice: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Snövit: It can't be! He can't have...
Rödluvan: The...the thing is huge! It covers your whole view! How can you...
Maltatai: It seems he...missed it again...oh dear, look at that swirling mass of black oblivion coming this way! Take cover!
Snövit: Meshif!
Rödluvan: The feast!
Maltatai: Over and out!
Snövit: And then the storyteller realises that they actually stand right in front of him.
Rödluvan: And that he has really made a fool of himself by making such a melodramatic scene setting when the rest of the episode will end up in a mess of bickering and banter as ususal.
Maltatai: Hey! What self-awareness, quite unexpected. You look quite happy both of you. Would you like to share the good news you have perhaps received or experienced?
Snövit: The grumpy old fossils are down and so is Baal! Now I can travel back to Lut Gholein and buy the town as well as get serious with Meshif!
Rödluvan: And I can establish a collective federation of Amazons in the now deserted northlands. The barbarians could surely use some of our enlightening public education!
Maltatai: How was the journey to this magnificent conquests? Would you like to start telling, mighty conqueror Rödluvan?
Rödluvan: In mighty but light red battle gear I went to hell (where Meshif had not told me to go, hehe) to prebuff Fade by one of the braziers in the River of Flame. Ouch, need more absorbing gear. The demons and beast fled for me and the fury burning in my eyes. The sky, or at least the cave roof, rained lightning and the earth trembled.
Maltatai: Now who's melodramatic?
Rödluvan: Well, maybe the leaf or the conifer cone or perhaps the wind. It depends on who is the storyteller. It can be anyone, really.
Snövit: ???
Maltatai: ???
Rödluvan: Just a funny thing a Hydra Sorceress told me about once. Anyway, Madawc the Mongrel was teleporting but not very often. I guess senility has made him forget to use his powers now and then. Korlic the Coconut-head was spectral hitting. Talic the Teabags-for-Brains was extra fast so he must have finished all his tea and only had extra strong coffee to drink lately. All were old and grumpy and complaining about younger generations and their presumed ineptness. Everything was better in my time this and what has the world turned into that and the youth of today blah blah blah…
I ran down southwest to split the enemy up in a sly and cunning way. It did not work because the old-timers had some kind of obsession with crossbows. As soon as I had Langer Briser in my hands they ignored pretty much everything else and came for me. OK, I know I don't look too shabby but hey, hit on someone of your own age! Born in the same millennium at least... The volcanic wrath of Pompeii slowed them a bit and I was never really in any great danger. Even Telash could tank Korlic for quite some time before needing a rejuvie - the only potion spent apart from three mana potions. All in all an embarrassing fail for the retirement home.
Maltatai: Excellent!
Rödluvan: Once inside the keep I found signs of intelligent life even on this remote world. Rödluvan to the base - the explorer team has located intelligent stair planning with the stairs actually built close to each other!
Maltati: While we're dwelling on the subject, how were the antiquities when you faced them, Snövit?
Snövit: Since I have not yet gotten a battle gear armour or hat I wore around 200% magic finding when facing them. On the way to the summit meeting it proved worthwhile when a golden Zweihander dropped (it is by the way an incorrect name: the two-handed swords were called bidenhänder rather than zweihänder in renaissance Germany)! With it in my hands I could enchant our weapons! Not much damage but lovely 100%-ish attack rating bonus! Only thing was...it turned all the weapons red.
Rödluvan: Hahahaha! I always knew you secretly wanted to be me!
Snövit: I did not and do not! Korlic was obsessed with me too. I guess he was just jealous of my skill with a halberd. Man, it feels GOOD to swing away with that thing, which I had socketed and Shael:ed the same day. Korlic was stone skinned and immune to physical. Duh, big deal... Madawc had a blessed aim aura but he really would have needed a blessed intelligence one because he never managed to get in position properly to aim. Talic was extra fast now as well. He's a real addict. Old fossiles who can't get through the day without regular cup of coffee - is there anything more pathetic?
I also got QUITE a great map for the second level of the Worldstone keep. Beat that, Rödluvan! The third was also good. At the red basement I faced an outrageous stairtrap! Minotaurs...no sense of decency or style. Baals minions were not too much of a trouble, only the second and third wave threatened to destroy my valkyrie. I felt a bit sorry for the poor fallen ones under Colenzo, who had to endure seeing his whole pack melt. Achmel was disgusting and his poison aura seemed to linger even after he was dead. Weird. The hydras were disturbingly strong but the venom lords laughable. Demonic ice cream, anyone? The same goes for the minions of not-too-much-destruction. I'm such an artist, I create sculptures in the middle of battle!
Rödluvan: I found the minions of destruction equally pathetic, hardly even putting a dent into my valkyries armour. The venom lords and their inferno were harder on her, though. But then, it is after all a fire attack and fire is, as everyone knows, dangerous compared to cold or poison or other less important resists.
Snövit: But for the enemy it is an entirely different matter!
Rödluvan: I owned them with strafe mainly. Open wounds RUUUULE!
Maltatai: Yes, I am growing fonder of it every time I play with a wounding character.
Rödluvan: Baal took some time since I lack crushing blow (must get it, red and useful) and Telash doesn't swing his sword enough to process the static field. Eventually he passed out and away. 20+ % life stealing is REALLY nice to have. I do miss weaken charges from a Smoke armour. Hope I'll get one in the future. Then, AFTER everything was secure, the heavenly h@x0r and completely clumsy corroded-rust-for-brains Arch-moron appeared...five and a half metres south of my location looking at the wall. How can anyone entrust even a broken paperbag to this dunghead?
Snövit: We were both, as heretical and blasphemous as it may sound, approaching Tyrael in a coordinated and cooperating manner. The dumb sod was obviously terrified of our rightful wrath but tried to hide it under his usual serene and pompous voice. We asked...
Rödluvan: Roared, I think.
Snövit:...roared how he could miss the whole damned stone that takes up the whole east side of the bridge and why he didn't send someone more accurate if he has such aiming trouble. The fool responded that he would not entrust the sacred mission to anyone of less faith and religious incorruptibility and purity.
Rödluvan: In a shorter, more concise version: He wanted all the glory for himself.
Snövit: Precisely. We spent some more time making sure it was clear exactly what we thought of him and what we had had to go through because the idiot missed last time. Tyrael finally promised to do better this time and opened his portal into "safety".
Rödluvan: But we did of course not use it, being created by that clot. It would probably have led right into a dark abyss or a giant barrel filled with spinach. Instead we took a town portal each back to Harrogath and then back home to the Amazon Islands.
Snövit: But first we stopped to go through the loot and demon corpses. I found myself some VERY nice BLUE gloves from Baals wardrobe. Funny how someone so disgusting keeps such stylish clothing. I had Larzuk personalize them, so they are now "Snövit's Laying Of Hands". Enourmously fashionable!
Rödluvan: I modified them a little...
Maltatai: What? How?
Snövit: Pfeh! She means her immature prank of pasting a piece of cloth with the Words "soon to be felt by Meshif" on them.
Rödluvan: Which is totally correct.
Snövit: Be that as it may, I still think it's ridiculous. By the way, shall we start with the Soul Killers?
Rödluvan: That will be excellent. Could you pass the sauce and the pepper, please?
Maltatai: Soul Killers? And polite requests???
Rödluvan: Ehrm, yes. We are temporarily out of jokes about each other so we have made a truce for now. And to celebrate our victory and the end of this horrible nightmare one needs a grand feast! So we thought about all those demon corpses lying around being useless. The Soul Killers which we both encountered are just the right size for being impaled on a spike - Waheed is great at that - and roasted over the fire. I will of course handle the roasting while Snövit takes care of the cool drinks and the dessert. Telash is setting up the lamps and light and lightning. It will be excellent!
Snövit: I sent Deckard Cain with an invitation to Meshif too. He should be here any time!
Maltatai: Wow, I've never heard of a waypoint on the Amazonian Islands!
Rödluvan: Come on, you know they're everywhere! One can consider oneself fortunate not to discover one in ones bedroom. Those Horadrim really are one trespassing and nosy bunch of magi. Oh, look! There's our guests!
Snövit: Aaaaah! Must get my new gloves! How does my armour look? Is the ponytail allright?
Rödluvan: I would start with checking my breathing if were you. Calm down, you look fine. Except for needing to change colours but we can talk about that later. Now to the grand fireworks of red and blue and white arrows we have prepared! We'll set it off as soon as the Worldstone is down. Should be anytime now.
Snövit: What's that rumbling sound?
Maltatai: It seems to come far from the north. About the direction in which Mount Arreat lies...I think it is high time to destroy that corrupted stone now...
Distant voice: Come on Tyrael, you can do it...nobody else must be allowed to get the glory...breathe out, aim and AWAY!!!
Rödluvan: There's more rumbling! And I can hear a foul demonic voice laughing in the distance!
Distant voice: NO! Darn it, missed again! Oookay, nobody saw it. Now, I just need to find my sword and try again, where is it...I know it went down somewhere here...
Distant foul demonic voice: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Snövit: It can't be! He can't have...
Rödluvan: The...the thing is huge! It covers your whole view! How can you...
Maltatai: It seems he...missed it again...oh dear, look at that swirling mass of black oblivion coming this way! Take cover!
Snövit: Meshif!
Rödluvan: The feast!
Maltatai: Over and out!
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Episode 19. Welcome to Hell
Maltatai: Ah, hello. It's nice to see you all here. Now, as the more perceptive of you probably realised by now, this is hell...and I am the author, good evening...but you can call me the single Malt if you like. We try to keep things informal here as well as infernal...that's just a little joke. I tell it every time. Now, you're all here for...eternity, oh...which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time. So you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end. But for know I'm going to have to split you up into Groups - will you stop screaming! Thank you. Now, murderers...assassins over here please...thank you. Looters and pillagers - find item Barbarians - here... Thieves, if you could join them - converting Paladins - and attract/confuse Necromancers you're in that lot too! Fornicators, if you could step forward...my goodness there are lot you! Aah, can I split you up into casters and the rest? Druids, if you could just form a line in front of that small fallen with a scimitar in the corner.
Aah, the Amazons, are you here? If you'd just like to come down here with the rogues...I'm sure you have plenty to talk about! Ok, aaahem...mercenaries, mercenaries over here please. Cleverly serving only "temporarily" "for money" - you must be feeling a right bunch of nitwit. And finally Zakarumites. Zakarumites...ah yes I'm sorry, I'm afraid the heretics were right. If you could step forth here that would be really fine. Ok, right, well, are there any questions?
Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets at all available here or anywhere. If you'd read your game manual you might have seen that it was damnation without relief. So if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you are not going to enjoy yourself very much...but then I believe that's the idea. Ok, well it's over to you Diablo, and I'll catch you all later at the barbeque. Bye.
Rödluvan: I can't believe it! Have you defected to the foul demonic side?
Snövit: Wit is the path to the dark side. Wait a second, is it?
Maltatai: Of course not! I am myself, thank you very much, and this is the introduction to the veritable hell you two have had the misfortune to end up in. I found an inspiring text entitled "A Warm Welcome" written by someone called "Toby". It was hidden in a small forest of rowan by the village of Atkinsington. Maybe Toby wrote the mouldy tome as well?
In any case, the situation looks as bad as it seems. And it seems as bad as it looks. The seams of your quivers looks to be unravelling too...
Rödluvan: Bah, these useless bolt quivers! A bolt is SMALLER than an arrows. How can bolt quivers be containing FEWER projectiles than arrow quivers? It doesn't make sense.
Snövit: So this is yet another, EVEN WORSE, reversal to the starting point caused by the energies of the last Worldstone which was corrupted by Baal because Tyrael missed it?
Maltatai: Yes. And being an even worse stone – due to the first missing and the following corruption of the world turning it into a nightmare – the added corruption by the nightmarish Baal has turned the world even worse if that can be imagined.
Rödluvan: It can! Immune monsters, enemy leaders with three enhancements each, massive drops in resistance that can barely be compensated for even with full battle gear - Aaaaah!
Snövit: We encountered trouble right outside the gates of the rogue camp. I can't believe how hardy the zombies have gotten! The poison damage and fire from the Kuko Shakaku is really handy on these occasions. As is the enchant charges from the Todesfaelle Flamme. I actually found a second such sword in the Col Plains, but with more charges which saved thousands of gold pieces for me!
Maltatai: Neat. Can you afford the cost of using that thing regularly?
Snövit: Yes! With the gold from dwarf star and occasional picking up of items for bonus cash it almost always evens out or even ends up with some profit. With three charges, repairs and buying potions and scrolls my company needs to assemble around 10 000 gold in 360 seconds. It's quite manageable. I was a bit sceptical to all this "sustainable development" talk but there are sound economical thinking involved too after all.
Maltatai: Three charges? Did I really hear that?
Snövit: What? Oh, come on! Honestly, I'm not nearly as selfish as some may have slandered. Both Waheed and the valkyrie get their charge as well. The damage is of course pathetic but the attack rating rules.
Rödluvan: I'm impressed, Snövit. There may yet be some hope for you.
Maltatai: For someone in hell you both seem healthy. How far have you got into it and how has it worked out?
Snövit: We have rescued Cain the Senile and claimed the waypoints up to the Dark Wood and the marshes next to it. The fallen ones melt before me and my mighty gloves of demon slaying but the big hairy apes are troublesome. Since I have dropped Cleglaws I have no knockback and that is a big disadvantage when facing ape bosspacks. Waheed is sadly underequipped but the fearsome mask works decently. But I am NOT going to wear it. It lacks the resistances I need. And I would like some +skill levels too on a hat.
Rödluvan: Naturally. That is of course the whole explanation.
Maltatai: The hideous looks have obviously nothing to do with it whatsoever. How did you handle the fire immune fallen ones, Rödluvan? They must be troublesome with no corpse control.
Rödluvan: It works all right actually. My upgraded Langer Briser and venom is so powerful I can shoot them down faster than the shamans raise them up and the knockback ensures some control of the field. Because of my lack of +skills, strafe has become my main attack except against small, tightly packed mobs and physically resistant foes.
Maltatai: Why not have a full review of equipment and skills?
Rödluvan: Because it's boring, overly technical and not really relevant before the end. And because you requested it.
Snövit: lol.
Rödluvan: But I'm still a generous one, so here it is:
Maltatai: Zzzzzz...
Rödluvan: I TOLD you it would be boring!
Maltatai: Huh? Oh, right...and how about you, Snövit?
Snövit:
Rödluvan: Zzzzzzz...
Maltatai: Yaaawn...great. Now the formalities are done and everyone will know just how dangerous the hellish path through this hell will be. The thrilling suspense will reach to the skies I am sure.
Here are some of the lucky finds Rödluvan managed to confiscate under the pretext of taxation, the funny decoy whose Kuko Shakaku does not get enchant-coloured, some of the more irritating foes and a picture of the well-known tourist attraction of Tristram:
Snövit: Speaking of Tristram, we actually told Akara straight away that we should go and rescue Cain immediately but it was like talking to a painting!
Rödluvan: The old hag did not even pretend to be listening. I guess this resetting of the world has been to much of a shock for her mind, or maybe Andariel decided to forgo the usual corruption spell and instead cast "Amplify Senility" on her.
Maltatai: Undoubtly. Surely she would have listened to good advice otherwise and been able to alter the plans. Over and out.
Aah, the Amazons, are you here? If you'd just like to come down here with the rogues...I'm sure you have plenty to talk about! Ok, aaahem...mercenaries, mercenaries over here please. Cleverly serving only "temporarily" "for money" - you must be feeling a right bunch of nitwit. And finally Zakarumites. Zakarumites...ah yes I'm sorry, I'm afraid the heretics were right. If you could step forth here that would be really fine. Ok, right, well, are there any questions?
Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets at all available here or anywhere. If you'd read your game manual you might have seen that it was damnation without relief. So if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you are not going to enjoy yourself very much...but then I believe that's the idea. Ok, well it's over to you Diablo, and I'll catch you all later at the barbeque. Bye.
Rödluvan: I can't believe it! Have you defected to the foul demonic side?
Snövit: Wit is the path to the dark side. Wait a second, is it?
Maltatai: Of course not! I am myself, thank you very much, and this is the introduction to the veritable hell you two have had the misfortune to end up in. I found an inspiring text entitled "A Warm Welcome" written by someone called "Toby". It was hidden in a small forest of rowan by the village of Atkinsington. Maybe Toby wrote the mouldy tome as well?
In any case, the situation looks as bad as it seems. And it seems as bad as it looks. The seams of your quivers looks to be unravelling too...
Rödluvan: Bah, these useless bolt quivers! A bolt is SMALLER than an arrows. How can bolt quivers be containing FEWER projectiles than arrow quivers? It doesn't make sense.
Snövit: So this is yet another, EVEN WORSE, reversal to the starting point caused by the energies of the last Worldstone which was corrupted by Baal because Tyrael missed it?
Maltatai: Yes. And being an even worse stone – due to the first missing and the following corruption of the world turning it into a nightmare – the added corruption by the nightmarish Baal has turned the world even worse if that can be imagined.
Rödluvan: It can! Immune monsters, enemy leaders with three enhancements each, massive drops in resistance that can barely be compensated for even with full battle gear - Aaaaah!
Snövit: We encountered trouble right outside the gates of the rogue camp. I can't believe how hardy the zombies have gotten! The poison damage and fire from the Kuko Shakaku is really handy on these occasions. As is the enchant charges from the Todesfaelle Flamme. I actually found a second such sword in the Col Plains, but with more charges which saved thousands of gold pieces for me!
Maltatai: Neat. Can you afford the cost of using that thing regularly?
Snövit: Yes! With the gold from dwarf star and occasional picking up of items for bonus cash it almost always evens out or even ends up with some profit. With three charges, repairs and buying potions and scrolls my company needs to assemble around 10 000 gold in 360 seconds. It's quite manageable. I was a bit sceptical to all this "sustainable development" talk but there are sound economical thinking involved too after all.
Maltatai: Three charges? Did I really hear that?
Snövit: What? Oh, come on! Honestly, I'm not nearly as selfish as some may have slandered. Both Waheed and the valkyrie get their charge as well. The damage is of course pathetic but the attack rating rules.
Rödluvan: I'm impressed, Snövit. There may yet be some hope for you.
Maltatai: For someone in hell you both seem healthy. How far have you got into it and how has it worked out?
Snövit: We have rescued Cain the Senile and claimed the waypoints up to the Dark Wood and the marshes next to it. The fallen ones melt before me and my mighty gloves of demon slaying but the big hairy apes are troublesome. Since I have dropped Cleglaws I have no knockback and that is a big disadvantage when facing ape bosspacks. Waheed is sadly underequipped but the fearsome mask works decently. But I am NOT going to wear it. It lacks the resistances I need. And I would like some +skill levels too on a hat.
Rödluvan: Naturally. That is of course the whole explanation.
Maltatai: The hideous looks have obviously nothing to do with it whatsoever. How did you handle the fire immune fallen ones, Rödluvan? They must be troublesome with no corpse control.
Rödluvan: It works all right actually. My upgraded Langer Briser and venom is so powerful I can shoot them down faster than the shamans raise them up and the knockback ensures some control of the field. Because of my lack of +skills, strafe has become my main attack except against small, tightly packed mobs and physically resistant foes.
Maltatai: Why not have a full review of equipment and skills?
Rödluvan: Because it's boring, overly technical and not really relevant before the end. And because you requested it.
Snövit: lol.
Rödluvan: But I'm still a generous one, so here it is:
Maltatai: Zzzzzz...
Rödluvan: I TOLD you it would be boring!
Maltatai: Huh? Oh, right...and how about you, Snövit?
Snövit:
Rödluvan: Zzzzzzz...
Maltatai: Yaaawn...great. Now the formalities are done and everyone will know just how dangerous the hellish path through this hell will be. The thrilling suspense will reach to the skies I am sure.
Here are some of the lucky finds Rödluvan managed to confiscate under the pretext of taxation, the funny decoy whose Kuko Shakaku does not get enchant-coloured, some of the more irritating foes and a picture of the well-known tourist attraction of Tristram:
Snövit: Speaking of Tristram, we actually told Akara straight away that we should go and rescue Cain immediately but it was like talking to a painting!
Rödluvan: The old hag did not even pretend to be listening. I guess this resetting of the world has been to much of a shock for her mind, or maybe Andariel decided to forgo the usual corruption spell and instead cast "Amplify Senility" on her.
Maltatai: Undoubtly. Surely she would have listened to good advice otherwise and been able to alter the plans. Over and out.
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Played through a bit of act 1 tonight, after a break with Medieval II with the Broken Crescent mod. Rödluvan has reached the Outer Cloister ans Snövit the inner one. The countess dropped a Tir and Ral rune for Rödluvan...epic...
With the caves and tower done the more dangerous parts of the act are finished I think (and just because I wrote that both will of course die in the caracombs or something). Thanks for reading, everyone.
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Episode 20. One Hell of an Act
Waheed: Hi all, Waheed here. Which you already know since you read the name of the talker with the two dots after it which precedes this quote. Unless you were too tired to read it properly, of course. Not too much is known about me except that I am the mercenary of Snövit and the main reason she hasn't turned into a blue gothic tin can of sausages for demon picnics. If you hear any nonsense of her having to get me out of trouble regularly I advise you to dismiss it entirely and save yourselves the trouble of dealing with two conflicting viewpoints and perspectives of reality. Much better to adopt a linear and polarized ideology such as "listen to all the wise words of Waheed and spread his celestial message across the lands and underworlds". But you can let that last thing be if you like. I'm cool with that.
I'm quite cool with most things nowadays. Back ages ago when I served under Rödluvan in normal I was way more focused and stressed up and such. Always aiming to do everything with the greatest precision and flawless accuracy. Man, being a blessed aim town guard isn't healthy in the long run. Waaay too stressful. Now I chill out and take it easy with the holy freeze which is much better.
In my infinite wisdom I suppose you have questions for me, more precisely two questions. The answer to the first question is: No, I am not going to work as a bartender chilling drinks at the Etdhlaq Memorial Bar. What kind of name for a bar is that anyway?
Regarding what has transpired since last episode, this has happened:
After the latest murderous rampage across the Den of Evil and Blood Ravens demise (watching Snövit shoot guided arrows at her was hilarious) the rogues really settled down and started to chill out a bit. Even Akara got notably happier after we rescued her secret love ("wise man" or "deep knowledge of the Primes" my ***) Deckard Cain from Tristram. I can't blame the rogues for being upset with all the hanged and corrupted rogues all over the land (that sisterhood must have been enormous before all this happened) and being thrown out of their home and stuff. Telash managed to lighten up the mood as usual but at the end of the day the eyes were on me (he'll tell you otherwise but don't believe that). Having an aura of coolness about you is pretty neat sometimes. Now wonder holy freeze is so popular.
The food here is a bit lame. We tried roasting a fallen fallen one but it took hours and the meat was barely warm. Bloody fire resistance and bloody steaks! The wendigos were easier to cook but they are so hairy it's not worth the trouble. Heck, they're even hairy o the inside! I don't even think an experienced flayer chef could handle that dish. In the end we settled for roasted quill rats. They don't have much meat but the spiky quills are excellent for making shish-kebab of them. In the time between questing and adventuring (very long periods sometimes) me and Telash usually sits up late with the rogues eating roasted demons and drinking some of Akaras nastier mana potions. Rödluvan and Snövit join us occasionally but spend absurdly much time counting their money and writing down notes.
While money is abundant from the loot the expenses are apparently high too. Snövit uses enchant and Rödluvan has started to rely more and more on the weaken charges from her armour. I think Rödluvan is writing some sort of political manifesto but I don't know what Snövit is scribbling. The rogues Heather and Liene managed to catch a glimpse of her book once and claim that she is filling page after page with meaningless variations of Meshif's name and heart-shaped objects, along with potential charming lines in case he doesn't remember anything from the past lives. I seriously hope they're wrong, I mean, nothing wrong with chilling out on a ship together and so, but if word of that diary gets out while I'm still employed my cred will drop like a drunken sand raider. They also claimed she was storing a "mancatcher" in her stash. I think that is a little bit drastic. Why not just chill out about it and talk about the stuff like before? It worked all right last difficulty level. Just beat Duriel, and you're bound to break the ice...although that may be harder now, given the increased level of the Frozen arrows, hehehe.
While slowly slugging our way through the western kingdoms (I've always wondered if we really cross any border or if we stay in one kingdom and in that case which one) I am struck by the difference terrain now makes, rather than monster types and immunities. Our little adventuring party is so underpowered when it comes to tanking ability that we have to be extra careful not to get swarmed, even by freezeable monsters, and make the most of the few freezing arrows Snövit can get off before her mana potions run out. A mobile battle is usually the best - having enemies spread out and picking off one at a time with the rest being knocked back or diverted by decoys. The stupidity of monsters never ceases to amaze me. Really, who could mistake that stationary, passive idiot thing for a real Amazon? On the other hand, nobody here has met Amazon's, so maybe they think those are a stationary people just standing around doing nothing. In that case, they must think it was Amazons who were supposed to handle the part of the European Euro project that was about actually cooperating financially and stick to the rules.
We faced a really tough pack in the catacombs. I promise! It's just the melting frozen arrows that destroy all corpses. Sigh. It makes it very hard to brag properly about it afterwards. Those catacombs at the third level were freaking unbearable! We encountered a pack of banished ones just before the stairs down. I died two times. But don't tell anyone, please? It's not my bloody fault! How am I suppose to handle all that fireballing without life stealing and with only 10% extra fire resistance from my items? This whole campaign has had really rotten luck when it comes to spears and pole arms. I died against Andariel too. I hear that Telash survived. Utterly embarrassing. A mage from Act three succeeds where an act two town guard fails...I'll never hear the end of it! Just because the little redling gets to keep his distance and Rödluvans overgrown valkyrie and decoy can last two breaths instead of a half like Snövits.
Just before breaking into Andariels room Snövit had the mancatcher IMBUED by Charsi (she really is desperate I thought...). But she was giving it to me! What the heck...I am not the one in need of that. I don't swing that way... In a sense I actually don't swing at all because I jab and thrust with all weapons despite how well suited they are for slashing. But I don't swing that way off duty either. I don't know what romanticized nonsense someone may have conjured up about the desert mercenary bands but we're just a bunch of colleagues and comrades. Seriously. Get a grip.
On closer inspection it turned out that this mancatcher is a form of elite spear, very quick and with decent range. Oh, well, how am I supposed to know that? It's not like I've been reading the Arreat Summit Magazine on every watch, like some others I could mention... What kind of silly name is that for a weapon anyway? And no improvement after slaying Andariel either. You should have seen Snövit's face after seeing the pathetic low-level loot that we were rewarded with. The face of horror would have paled in comparison as well as paled in fear, had I not looked away in time. At least Andariel did not destroy any blue-clad valkyrie like the one she managed to summon earlier in the cold plains, that would probably have made Snövit explode.
Right, so much about our adventures. I suppose I should tell you a bit about how Rödluvan's team fared. Right, they...I mean of course left since they are clearly the left wing party here. So, left, they have apparently had an easier time than we had.
With her abominable high taxes Rödluvan is stealing mana and life at a tremendous rate and with Telash usually staying reasonably out of harms way they have managed to maintain a rather pompous supply of rejuvenation potions. I'm sure they're very dusty by now and taste dusty as well. Why are they suddenly so strict about drinking? Chill out, I say. With strafe and the sturdy decoy, the redlings can fight pitched battles most of the time but without any freezing they are in trouble if trapped in a tiny cramped area. Rödluvan is lucky to have completed her Rhyming shield by now, thanks to an eth-ic rune she found in the Tamoe highland.
In the Forgotten Tower, which everyone still remembers well in the rogue camp, Rödluvan and her team faced a stairtrap but luckily it was not one of the nastier. The countess herself was graceful enough to drop a Ral and Tir rune... How extraordinarily epic hahahaha! Perhaps she thought they should make a leaf staff since Rödluvan was so much into fire skills?
After having claimed the Outer Cloister waypoint Rödluvan took a long break. The she charged through all the way to the Cathedral in one long questing session. Reason? Come on, you should know by now. It had of course absolutely nothing to do with monster spawns or item luck. She got a shiny red (the deep dark life red, not the orange returned damage red) valkyrie and wanted to enjoy the sight for as long as possible. Just when getting out of jail, the red team met a combined force of dark ones backed up by bone mages. Cursed and mighty... The thing is, Rödluvan thought she would go around to flank the dark ones and have some space, but when entering the jail exit building through south gate she ran right into the skeletal spellcasters! A bit of battlefield reconnaissance next time perhaps, oh great field marshal?
The strawberry skulls also met a nasty pack in the catacombs, resulting in a bloody mess. Unfortunately for them it did not fit into the small piece of the picture page assigned to them so it was fairly useless for bragging. The stupid Stormstrike short battle bow seems to haunt the two heroines. Rödluvan came upon it again in a storeroom in the catacombs.
The battle against Andariel begun with a VERY disappointing fainting of the peaceful valkyrie due to the stench. It seems like you just can't get the minions to do the job nowadays. Alas, alas. In any case, the exploding arrows did the trick just like Snövit's freezing arrows and Andariel went down after a chase around the blood pool. Although I should point out that Rödluvan was the first to slay her. If that really matters. She got a really great shot of her just before the giant Dungeons-and-Dragons-flamestrike-spell fire pillar appeared. Maiden of Anguish indeed, it looks like. Unless she is only studying the state of her fingernails after the battle, as she is going home for the first time since...a long time ago whose date is not relevant but probably procurable from the memory and library of Deckard Cain. You wouldn't believe how vain some employers can get, even in the middle of a dangerous questing session! Luckily, I don't waste my time on those petty things. Just chill out, I say.
Maltatai: Did I hear something over there in the distance just beyond the proverbial corner? It sounded almost like narrating.
Snövit: I didn't hear anything. Check!
Maltatai: Hey, that's no wonder since you just made a valiant effort of making the rest of us deaf, exclaiming your triumph over taking both of Rödluvans towers. Why do you value towers so much? Sure they're great at the end of the game but you throw everything else away just to keep them safe.
Rödluvan: Duh, towers give elevation bonuses for archers. Need I say more?
Maltatai: But not in chess, dammit! I've already explained this... And the queen can not attack from afar, she must move to the tile and stay there. Melee. Not just slashing once with a slowing axe blade and running off to make a pincushion of the bishop.
Rödluvan: Hey, she's the queen. She wouldn't be that if she didn't know how to handle a battle properly.
Maltatai: But again, this is not a tabletop role playing or warhammer game, this is chess where the queen moves...
Telash: And why can you only target one foe per turn? What about lightning and strafe and multishot?
Maltatai: ---------. Maltatai to mothership: Requesting immediate recall. One to beam up.
Telash: What?
Maltatai: No! You make single target attacks always! They are all unblockable and in melee range and result in the immediate demise of the foe! Chess is a game not a precise battlefield simulation, how many times do I need to tell you?
Snövit: But...
Waheed: Be cool. Over and out.
I'm quite cool with most things nowadays. Back ages ago when I served under Rödluvan in normal I was way more focused and stressed up and such. Always aiming to do everything with the greatest precision and flawless accuracy. Man, being a blessed aim town guard isn't healthy in the long run. Waaay too stressful. Now I chill out and take it easy with the holy freeze which is much better.
In my infinite wisdom I suppose you have questions for me, more precisely two questions. The answer to the first question is: No, I am not going to work as a bartender chilling drinks at the Etdhlaq Memorial Bar. What kind of name for a bar is that anyway?
Regarding what has transpired since last episode, this has happened:
After the latest murderous rampage across the Den of Evil and Blood Ravens demise (watching Snövit shoot guided arrows at her was hilarious) the rogues really settled down and started to chill out a bit. Even Akara got notably happier after we rescued her secret love ("wise man" or "deep knowledge of the Primes" my ***) Deckard Cain from Tristram. I can't blame the rogues for being upset with all the hanged and corrupted rogues all over the land (that sisterhood must have been enormous before all this happened) and being thrown out of their home and stuff. Telash managed to lighten up the mood as usual but at the end of the day the eyes were on me (he'll tell you otherwise but don't believe that). Having an aura of coolness about you is pretty neat sometimes. Now wonder holy freeze is so popular.
The food here is a bit lame. We tried roasting a fallen fallen one but it took hours and the meat was barely warm. Bloody fire resistance and bloody steaks! The wendigos were easier to cook but they are so hairy it's not worth the trouble. Heck, they're even hairy o the inside! I don't even think an experienced flayer chef could handle that dish. In the end we settled for roasted quill rats. They don't have much meat but the spiky quills are excellent for making shish-kebab of them. In the time between questing and adventuring (very long periods sometimes) me and Telash usually sits up late with the rogues eating roasted demons and drinking some of Akaras nastier mana potions. Rödluvan and Snövit join us occasionally but spend absurdly much time counting their money and writing down notes.
While money is abundant from the loot the expenses are apparently high too. Snövit uses enchant and Rödluvan has started to rely more and more on the weaken charges from her armour. I think Rödluvan is writing some sort of political manifesto but I don't know what Snövit is scribbling. The rogues Heather and Liene managed to catch a glimpse of her book once and claim that she is filling page after page with meaningless variations of Meshif's name and heart-shaped objects, along with potential charming lines in case he doesn't remember anything from the past lives. I seriously hope they're wrong, I mean, nothing wrong with chilling out on a ship together and so, but if word of that diary gets out while I'm still employed my cred will drop like a drunken sand raider. They also claimed she was storing a "mancatcher" in her stash. I think that is a little bit drastic. Why not just chill out about it and talk about the stuff like before? It worked all right last difficulty level. Just beat Duriel, and you're bound to break the ice...although that may be harder now, given the increased level of the Frozen arrows, hehehe.
While slowly slugging our way through the western kingdoms (I've always wondered if we really cross any border or if we stay in one kingdom and in that case which one) I am struck by the difference terrain now makes, rather than monster types and immunities. Our little adventuring party is so underpowered when it comes to tanking ability that we have to be extra careful not to get swarmed, even by freezeable monsters, and make the most of the few freezing arrows Snövit can get off before her mana potions run out. A mobile battle is usually the best - having enemies spread out and picking off one at a time with the rest being knocked back or diverted by decoys. The stupidity of monsters never ceases to amaze me. Really, who could mistake that stationary, passive idiot thing for a real Amazon? On the other hand, nobody here has met Amazon's, so maybe they think those are a stationary people just standing around doing nothing. In that case, they must think it was Amazons who were supposed to handle the part of the European Euro project that was about actually cooperating financially and stick to the rules.
We faced a really tough pack in the catacombs. I promise! It's just the melting frozen arrows that destroy all corpses. Sigh. It makes it very hard to brag properly about it afterwards. Those catacombs at the third level were freaking unbearable! We encountered a pack of banished ones just before the stairs down. I died two times. But don't tell anyone, please? It's not my bloody fault! How am I suppose to handle all that fireballing without life stealing and with only 10% extra fire resistance from my items? This whole campaign has had really rotten luck when it comes to spears and pole arms. I died against Andariel too. I hear that Telash survived. Utterly embarrassing. A mage from Act three succeeds where an act two town guard fails...I'll never hear the end of it! Just because the little redling gets to keep his distance and Rödluvans overgrown valkyrie and decoy can last two breaths instead of a half like Snövits.
Just before breaking into Andariels room Snövit had the mancatcher IMBUED by Charsi (she really is desperate I thought...). But she was giving it to me! What the heck...I am not the one in need of that. I don't swing that way... In a sense I actually don't swing at all because I jab and thrust with all weapons despite how well suited they are for slashing. But I don't swing that way off duty either. I don't know what romanticized nonsense someone may have conjured up about the desert mercenary bands but we're just a bunch of colleagues and comrades. Seriously. Get a grip.
On closer inspection it turned out that this mancatcher is a form of elite spear, very quick and with decent range. Oh, well, how am I supposed to know that? It's not like I've been reading the Arreat Summit Magazine on every watch, like some others I could mention... What kind of silly name is that for a weapon anyway? And no improvement after slaying Andariel either. You should have seen Snövit's face after seeing the pathetic low-level loot that we were rewarded with. The face of horror would have paled in comparison as well as paled in fear, had I not looked away in time. At least Andariel did not destroy any blue-clad valkyrie like the one she managed to summon earlier in the cold plains, that would probably have made Snövit explode.
Right, so much about our adventures. I suppose I should tell you a bit about how Rödluvan's team fared. Right, they...I mean of course left since they are clearly the left wing party here. So, left, they have apparently had an easier time than we had.
With her abominable high taxes Rödluvan is stealing mana and life at a tremendous rate and with Telash usually staying reasonably out of harms way they have managed to maintain a rather pompous supply of rejuvenation potions. I'm sure they're very dusty by now and taste dusty as well. Why are they suddenly so strict about drinking? Chill out, I say. With strafe and the sturdy decoy, the redlings can fight pitched battles most of the time but without any freezing they are in trouble if trapped in a tiny cramped area. Rödluvan is lucky to have completed her Rhyming shield by now, thanks to an eth-ic rune she found in the Tamoe highland.
In the Forgotten Tower, which everyone still remembers well in the rogue camp, Rödluvan and her team faced a stairtrap but luckily it was not one of the nastier. The countess herself was graceful enough to drop a Ral and Tir rune... How extraordinarily epic hahahaha! Perhaps she thought they should make a leaf staff since Rödluvan was so much into fire skills?
After having claimed the Outer Cloister waypoint Rödluvan took a long break. The she charged through all the way to the Cathedral in one long questing session. Reason? Come on, you should know by now. It had of course absolutely nothing to do with monster spawns or item luck. She got a shiny red (the deep dark life red, not the orange returned damage red) valkyrie and wanted to enjoy the sight for as long as possible. Just when getting out of jail, the red team met a combined force of dark ones backed up by bone mages. Cursed and mighty... The thing is, Rödluvan thought she would go around to flank the dark ones and have some space, but when entering the jail exit building through south gate she ran right into the skeletal spellcasters! A bit of battlefield reconnaissance next time perhaps, oh great field marshal?
The strawberry skulls also met a nasty pack in the catacombs, resulting in a bloody mess. Unfortunately for them it did not fit into the small piece of the picture page assigned to them so it was fairly useless for bragging. The stupid Stormstrike short battle bow seems to haunt the two heroines. Rödluvan came upon it again in a storeroom in the catacombs.
The battle against Andariel begun with a VERY disappointing fainting of the peaceful valkyrie due to the stench. It seems like you just can't get the minions to do the job nowadays. Alas, alas. In any case, the exploding arrows did the trick just like Snövit's freezing arrows and Andariel went down after a chase around the blood pool. Although I should point out that Rödluvan was the first to slay her. If that really matters. She got a really great shot of her just before the giant Dungeons-and-Dragons-flamestrike-spell fire pillar appeared. Maiden of Anguish indeed, it looks like. Unless she is only studying the state of her fingernails after the battle, as she is going home for the first time since...a long time ago whose date is not relevant but probably procurable from the memory and library of Deckard Cain. You wouldn't believe how vain some employers can get, even in the middle of a dangerous questing session! Luckily, I don't waste my time on those petty things. Just chill out, I say.
Maltatai: Did I hear something over there in the distance just beyond the proverbial corner? It sounded almost like narrating.
Snövit: I didn't hear anything. Check!
Maltatai: Hey, that's no wonder since you just made a valiant effort of making the rest of us deaf, exclaiming your triumph over taking both of Rödluvans towers. Why do you value towers so much? Sure they're great at the end of the game but you throw everything else away just to keep them safe.
Rödluvan: Duh, towers give elevation bonuses for archers. Need I say more?
Maltatai: But not in chess, dammit! I've already explained this... And the queen can not attack from afar, she must move to the tile and stay there. Melee. Not just slashing once with a slowing axe blade and running off to make a pincushion of the bishop.
Rödluvan: Hey, she's the queen. She wouldn't be that if she didn't know how to handle a battle properly.
Maltatai: But again, this is not a tabletop role playing or warhammer game, this is chess where the queen moves...
Telash: And why can you only target one foe per turn? What about lightning and strafe and multishot?
Maltatai: ---------. Maltatai to mothership: Requesting immediate recall. One to beam up.
Telash: What?
Maltatai: No! You make single target attacks always! They are all unblockable and in melee range and result in the immediate demise of the foe! Chess is a game not a precise battlefield simulation, how many times do I need to tell you?
Snövit: But...
Waheed: Be cool. Over and out.
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Happy to be of service. The next update will be a more musical one. And dusty and sandy since it covers act 2.
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Small status update; At level 77, Snövit has beaten Fangskin and Fangskins little helper. The entire first level of the claw viper temple was filled with serpents ONLY. Cold immune and happy to knock back decouys and knock down minions. Stairtrapped when entering the temple and pushed against the wall by Fangskin (like her idol Livexia back in the days) and then his minions after sprinting past him (not something I have ever done before). Waheed sacrificed himself heroicly to make it all possible. But he's cool about that.
This was a bloody horror movie! Hate you, slithering scum! May Rödluvan humiliate you!
Textwise, the update is growing rapidly and I am seriously contemplating splitting it up into two parts.
This was a bloody horror movie! Hate you, slithering scum! May Rödluvan humiliate you!
Textwise, the update is growing rapidly and I am seriously contemplating splitting it up into two parts.
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Episode 21 Hellish Deserters
Maltatai: After some unknown entity messed up the episodes totally and confused everything I can now shed some light on the situation and conclude that Snövit and Rödluvan have made it to Act II. So apparently the first Act was not very noteworthy. It must have all been a total vacation for everyone. Especially Waheed probably had no difficulty at all and surely provided great tanking at the lower levels of the catacombs. Perhaps he would enjoy some magic finding from Andariel? Since he is so cool about everything, apparently, I am sure he will not mind.
Many chaotic chess games passed while the caravan of Warriv conducted sightseeing while searching for the mystical passage to the town. The main gate (without any actual gate - just a hole in the thin wall) does, as everyone know, lead only to the linear places that are surrounded by apparently impassable rocks beyond which all the cactuses of the desert grow. But there must be some sort of hidden way that all the caravans use. Unless of course the town that all dark wanderers and adventurers (also known as travelling monster murderers) reach is just a tiny part of the whole Lut Gholein and the rest is hidden somewhere else. Like the Kurast Docks that are on the other side of Kurast as the city itself or the Monastery Graveyard that is located several huge plains and an underground passage from the actual monastery.
Snövit: Yes, yes, yes whatevercanIpleasetellaboutMeshifnowpleasepleasepleaseplease!
Maltatai: That's more politeness in one sentence than in your whole previous career I think. Fine, fine, how did it work out?
Rödluvan: THIS will be a long tale.
Telash: I'll get my sleeping rug set up.
Waheed: I think Atma is selling some long-lasting provision packages. I hope five weeks rations will be enough.
Snövit: HEY! Silencium!
Rödluvan: "Whistling"
Snövit: "Shoots stern glare at Rödluvan" Right. After the customably dusty field trip with Warrivs caravan I found myself appalled by seeing him turn into his "best clothes" when meeting Sultan Wannabe-Prince-of-Persia Jerhyn. What a moronic twist by the otherwise sensible (blue) Warriv! Even Jerhyn dresses better than that! A red turban - "shudder". Jerhyn boasted about his position as usual but I wasn't very interested. He's a slimy harem-hiding git of the most clichéd kind. He would not listen at all when I tried to explain to him about Diablo having already wandered to the Tomb of Tal Rasha and me needing entrance into his palace. It was as if he was just reading lines from an uninspired script! No wonder I kept my back turned to him for the better part of the conversation (better since I didn't need to see him) but he kept going as if he had my full attention.
When I turned to Warriv and gossiped a bit, Jerhyn turned to stare very harshly at him and sure enough, Warriv was quick to go into a tiresome tirade of Jerhyns qualities that nobody would believe a word of, even under unbiased circumstances. Obviously Jerhyn is oppressing free enterprising and trade in a foul and oppressive way in order to extort this kind of forced complimenting. Cunning as I am I went around in the town a bit, steering conversations towards gossip about Meshif and what he may like and not like, in a most sly and ingenious but at the same kind thoughtful and considerate way.
Rödluvan: Cunning and careful as a cougar on the prowl, grrroarrr!
Telash: "S******"
Waheed: "Chortle"
Snövit: How would you like to spend the Act hanging by your feet from the roof in Jerhyns palace? I promise you it can be arranged! If interested, please sign this contract. If not, please refrain from further immature obnoxiousness.
Rödluvan: I'll be quiet as a mouse.
Snövit: Good.
Rödluvan: Quiet as a mouse hiding from a huge mountain cat.
Snövit: ...
Snövit: Now I hope I will be free from further interruptions after twice stating that I am the one talking. It was nervous as this difficulty level to speak to Meshif again. He's so handsome! And has such a blue shirt. I don't think he recognised me but it felt like we knew each other nevertheless. When he greeted me it felt just like the first time, which it may technically have been. Damn this messed up respawning and resetting! I wondered if it had perhaps been a mistake bringing the vakyrie along. She looked stunningly good in that tasteful outfit and has a certain beaming charisma about her...charming is always hard when you have to avoid being overshadowed by your friends, even when their loyalty are beyond question and they can be unsummoned if needed.
Meshif told me he had informed Greiz about a find that could be linked to Radament but hadn't been taken very seriously. Outrageous! Stupid merc-jerk not listening to the responsible and caring sea captains of the town! Not only that, but why had he not sealed the sewer entrance at the docks, closest to Meshifs ship!? Scandalous! To lift Meshifs spirits (No, not literally, do I look like a necromancer to you? And I did not ask you, Rödluvan!) I asked if I could see his ship. It was great to be onboard it again but Meshif still hasn't had that leaky hole in the roof of my (former) cabin fixed! Or again. Well, this time I will point it out in due time before we are to set sail. Maybe we can use the stock of the Langer Briser, there is some massive good quality timber there. And I bet it's practically water resistant by now from endless repairing smiths oiling it.
Rödluvan: Don't you touch!
Snövit: Lut Gholein it certainly a city of jewels. I found two gem shrines, just in the sewers! Someone had their priorities wrong when drawing blueprints for this place I say. The sewers were quite dangerous with many nasty archers and stinking dried corpses that harmed my valkyrie a lot. Thankfully Freezing Arrow was awesome and melted them almost like fallen ones. In the lowest and most stinking level, Radament was lurking as usual. His little army had lost all sense of direction and tactics and went for me spontaneously without backing from their boss. Not that that would have helped them very much from becoming little pools of murky melt water. Radament himself was furious and so foul-mouthed he almost destroyed my valkyrie. I had to get back up to heal her. Then I slashed Radament with the mighty Woestave which shut him up when combined with the icy arrows and holy freeze. Although Waheed kept his distance during a big part of the battle, if I remember correctly.
Waheed: I did not! I was conducting a precautionary sweep of the surrounding area.
Snövit: I know. Chill out, man. I actually appreciate you staying away from poisonous mummy breath when I can handle it from a safe distance. It saves a lot of potions. So be cool. I'm cool with it.
Telash and Rödluvan:
Snövit: Reading the book of skill again was nice, but telling Meshif about it was nicer. He even called me "mate". He said the awful moaning of that fiend had kept him awake at night. The poor thing! I said it was all my pleasure to help with that and asked if there was aaanything else I could do for him? Meshif said he couldn't think of any but would tell me at once when he needed some new heroics done. I responded by smiling my most beaming smile and bowing both courtly, courteously and courting. The effect was somewhat ruined when my armour creaked - it had gotten rusty from all the sewer moisture. I have to get myself a Sapphire Dress of Voluptuousness or something for the future. Or in any case at least have Fara oil and polish my gothic plate armour.
Regarding that about being kept awake by awful moaning...well, at least the moaning won't be awful in the future, mate...
Rödluvan: ...
Waheed: What's up with your face, Rödluvan? You look like a tomato about to explode.
Maltatai: I believe it is the early stages of Laughter Explosion (skill level 17 at least). Take cover.
Rödluvan: BwaaahaHAHAHAHAhahahihihihihi! I..."gasp"....pity Meshif...if it comes to...him having to...endure that in the...future...hahahahahaa! Awful moaning...to say the least! MY REDNESS, that made the last boat trip trying! I know the inner walls of a ship can't be too thick in order to save weight but still...some of us needed our sleep!
Snövit: I. WAS. SEASICK.
Rödluvan: Above deck, yes. Below deck...that's one strangely pleasant kind of seasickness if I ever heard one!
Telash: Seriously, Red, that was below the belt.
Rödluvan: I'm sure it was.
Snövit: NO! Below the belt as in unfair duelling or banter! Not any sort....wait... You've been eavesdropping.
Rödluvan: On you? Who do you think I am? That I would...get a grip!
Snövit: You did?! YOU DID!!!
Rödluvan: "Whistling"
Telash: Hey! You stepped on my ankle almost every time! "Go out to get some fresh air", my body part soon kicked if facing lightning immunes on my own!
Rödluvan: I did actually continue out to get some fresh air too. And laugh.
Waheed: "Chuckle" Chill out, boss. She's just jealous. Or she has a secret crush on you.
Snövit: Not even the wisest of sages and diviners could ever conclude which of the alternatives would be most appalling.
Maltatai: Laughter explosion being cast on Telash. Take cover and prepare to evacuate.
Waheed: The tomato season looks to be coming early this year... Cool.
Snövit: I can scarcely believe this! SPIED ON by my very own nemesis and arch-enemy!
Rödluvan: And...friend. And I really meant no harm. It was just so great seeing you meet Meshif and having a good time. Or maybe more like hearing the last thing rather than seeing it. But I promise you that you gasp, banter, sigh, moan, complain, pant and whine about just about everything in the most flawless way.
Waheed: I can totally confirm that.
Telash: And coming from Rödluvan, her's is an expert's assessment.
Snövit: Friend?
Rödluvan: Ehm...yes? That felt strange to say. I bet my mouth will soon turn green... And I promise you I have no interest in interfering between you and Meshif. He's a nice guy but not my type. And he has almost as weird tastes as you - blue clothes "shudder"... And I bet you have icy cold feet that would keep me awake at night if nothing else...
Snövit: I guess that is good to hear...friend. But you'll still be my arch-enemy, won't you?
Rödluvan: Of course, don't worry!
Snövit: And I'll be yours.
Maltatai: Terribly sorry (not) to break into this touching confirmation of bonds of enmity, but can we get on with the rest of the desert episode? I believe there was a Horadric issue of staff management? One that involved astonishingly little human resources for being a staff issue...
Snövit: I already have the Horadric cubicle...cube...so I wasn't originally planning on visiting the Halls of the Dead, but then I read somewhere about the apparent attractiveness of female tomb raiders so I decided to visit all possible tombs. I started with the Stony Tomb but it didn't contain any particularly attracting feature, only a creeping feature.
Maltatai: I think that tomb raiding thing is just something someone decided to make up. Nothing worth looking into, really.
Snövit: Make-up? In those dusty tombs? I certainly didn't find any. But now that you mention it, some of the deadlings had ornamented face masks and many cosmetic products are toxic just like the mummies. Perhaps it is produced by them?
Maltatai: No! Make up as in two words and as in imagine and create something fictional! Uuuuuh...of all the silly things to come up with...
Snövit: I do in any case never use any make-up.
Maltatai: Wise. It's really not nearly as appreciated by guys as undead sellers would have you believe.
Snövit: It's completely superfluous. If you want to colour your lips you just take some drops of demon blood. Lasts much longer and you can get many different colours.
The Rocky Waste held boss pack after boss pack after boss pack of foes. I think I faced five or six in a row. Waheed was killed off screen by an extra fast cursed leaper pack. I have vowed to myself not to let minions tank where I can't see them. From then on things went smoothly through the Dry Hills - not very hilly - and the Far Oasis. Frozen Arrow melted almost anything. Insect swarms usually melted in one shot. I contemplated for a moment to go after the staff in the Maggot Lair but decided to postpone it.
Maltatai: Would it take up too much space in your inventory?
Rödluvan: Had you gotten a blue valkyrie that you didn't want to lose to the vile poisons of Coldworm?
Telash: Did you want to take advantage of the remaining daylight and clear the open grounds first?
Snövit: Of course not! But you all know about the smell down there and the filthy oozing slime that hangs and drops from the walls and roof. Ewww... It would have been practically impossible to get it out of my hair in time (one of the deficiencies of circlets is the lack of adequate protection from such damages) and no matter how long you bathe the smell never seems to disappear.
Rödluvan: But you'll have to go there eventually. Why postpone it?
Snövit: Because...I had urgent business elsewhere that late afternoon. Namely, early dinner at Atmas Tavern!
Rödluvan: HOWDIDITGOHOWDIDITGOHOWDIDITGO?!
Snövit: First we talked more casually about the tavern and people in town. For a moment I almost thought Meshif would fancy Fara but if he did he wouldn't have gone out with me so I think he just thought Fara was nice. Which she actually is, especially considering her silly hair colour. A healing blacksmith - superb! Just a little churchly sometimes. Meshif was also worried about his home in Kurast and Jerhyns stupid secretiveness. I promised him I could hardly wait to set sail to Kurast and the subject of sailing seemed to cheer Meshif up. He recalled the stupid unsailyness of Geglash and all the travelling he uses to do when the season is better.
Waheed: Unsailyness?
Snövit: I'm sure it is a word. If not, I just invented it so I get to patent it. Ha!
Clearing through the Far Oasis I eventually saw the characteristic passage through the cactus cliffs to the Lost City. Maybe that was the Lut Gholein of old and the current small town is just the old docks? One could hope that me passing into the ruined city would for ONCE not mysteriously coincide with the claw vipers casting their hideous astronomical spell, but true enough, welcome to the dark side. Darkness leads to restricted vision, restricted vision leads to fear, fear leads to bad reflexes in case of ambushes, bad reflexes in case of ambushes...leads to deeds. But not today!
It took searching through the better part of the Lost City and it's ancient sewers (only one level, clearly ancient when compared to the sanitary three level tunnel system of Lut Gholein) to find the Valley of Snakes. I had to go back to town endless times to buy mana potions. The plague bearers are quite sensitive to cold but don't offer much in the way of mana stealing. I spoke to Meshif about the darkness on several occasions. He tried to keep everyones mood up by joking about navigating easier than before but clearly this lengthy eclipse caused by claw vipers (yes we KNOW, Drognan) that the local wise guy had researched was very discomforting.
Then Waheed came up with a really splendid idea. He suggested that I should sing for Meshif to make him feel better!
Waheed: That was a joke! I joked that you could sing for Meshif and maybe he would fall asleep in your arms now that the night was so scary. It was even a very rude joke! Totally exaggerating Meshifs discomfort and blatantly ignoring the fact that we all felt pretty gloomy about having to face the horrifying Claw Viper Temple! While it's cool that you didn't get angry I can't believe how you could take the suggestion seriously.
Snövit: I gathered two cargo crates and put a large barrel on them to get a little stage and then had Waheed and my valkyrie stand behind it so that the aura and glow acted like improvised spotlights. I had composed the text myself and it was, if I may say so, very well suited for the occasion.
Maltatai: "applauding"
Rödluvan: "whistling"
Telash: "applauding"
Snövit: Right after finishing the song I tried to bow gracefully to the audience, but the stupid barrel tripped and I fell to the ground just in front of Meshif. That dock is hard to land on. You would think there would be no shortage of sand in these neighbourhoods but I think that particular spot was seriously under-duned. On a happier note, I found myself looking up into concerned seafarer eyes when I opened mine, so it was quite worth the rough landing. I nevertheless think it would be better to skip the falling part and just have the looking into eyes part after future performances. Otherwise I shall need a dress socketed with Sol runes.
Maltatai: How was the temple then?
Snövit: Right from the start - a hopeless open room without flank protection - we were stairtrapped by almost a dozen claw vipers! It took three full rejuvenation potions for us to survive that. I used multishot which hit at least half the time. The only good things about being trapped in a corner was that we had at least half-decent flank protection and could not be knocked back any more.
Still shivering, I turned to the north eastern corridor and was greeted by a viper boss pack. We were almost pushed back to the stairs again. Damn, this welcome was hard. Guided arrow worked really well but it was slow progress. Multishot was my standard skill against groups because the poisoning helped a lot even if many hits missed.
Maltatai: Just like your precious idol back in the days.
Snövit: Yes, but I would have preferred facing bone warriors instead of serpents. In the whole damn first level of the temple it was nothing but claw vipers and salamanders. All cold immune. All charging. I had to run back many times and faced several bosses that I think even Rödluvan would agree were enormously disgusting.
Rödluvan: Ewww, fire immunities!
Snövit: I had to clear practically the whole first level - maybe it was even literally the whole first level - before I found the stairs down. I could barely hold my bow steady. I cast a decoy. Nothing yet. I cast another a bit ahead. Some embaled and bone warriors attacked it but they were manageable. Then I saw a minion claw viper.
Telash: But isn't Fangskin a...
Snövit: Salamander. This was Fangskins little helper. A claw viper bosspack almost intermingled with Fangskins salamanders! For a little moment I thought we had them and that Waheed and the valkyrie could tank them in the small passage. Then they were both knocked back by charge after charge just like in the horror stories of Livexia. I led my team back up through the stairs a few times in the hopes of making the vipers spread out. It worked a bit but since they charge they were back around us in a blink. We were getting trapped by the stairs and grinded down. The rejuvenation potions had also been spent since long.
In my frustration I ran. I ran through them as they crowded around Waheed and my valkyrie. Poor Waheed fell drawing the enemy upon himself. I stuck to the left wall and hoped to find a path to the middle hill where I could open a portal to bring in a resurrected Waheed and my valkyrie. But it was blocked! Claw vipers and undead were all around the hill! I sprinted on to the northwestern corner and hid behind a large cage while my valkyrie teleported close to me. There were two guardians nearby that I targeted with magic arrows. Slowly we whittled down the undead and spare vipers. Luckily, the bosses were not aware of our presence. After finally having secured some room we proceeded east and slew Fangskins little helper and finally Fangskin himself. I kicked his altar over with all spite I could muster and stored the stupid amulet in the cube.
All the time down there I felt like I was being watched. Like some otherwordly being cloaked in fear were staring at me with sinister flaming eyes. That temple really is the stuff of hellish nightmares. Just thinking of it gives me the shivers.
Telash: You seem notably calmer, Waheed, despite being the one that has actually died.
Waheed: Yeah, I'm cool. There is no chance I will not be revived as long as Snövit lives, and if she dies I will likely perish too in a second.
Telash: What if she decides to hire another mercenary instead?
Waheed: Even if she did, she would revive me to get the powerful Equipment...wait a second...my equipment is generally lousy! But I'm still the only town guard with a frost aura in this hell. She would never choose another mercenary. Right? You wouldn't, would you?
Snövit: Of course not. I would never want to hire another mercenary. Chill out.
Waheed: Hey, that's supposed to be my line!
Snövit: But I hope we find better stuff so I don't have to have you resurrected. Otherwise you may start turning undead soon.
Waheed: Ha. Ha. Not cool.
Rödluvan and Telash: "laughter"
Snövit: Now, I'm gonna go and ask Meshif if I can crash at his ship. I'll probably sleep for the next week.
Maltatai: I hope the landing is softer than when crashing outside his ship. Over and out.
Many chaotic chess games passed while the caravan of Warriv conducted sightseeing while searching for the mystical passage to the town. The main gate (without any actual gate - just a hole in the thin wall) does, as everyone know, lead only to the linear places that are surrounded by apparently impassable rocks beyond which all the cactuses of the desert grow. But there must be some sort of hidden way that all the caravans use. Unless of course the town that all dark wanderers and adventurers (also known as travelling monster murderers) reach is just a tiny part of the whole Lut Gholein and the rest is hidden somewhere else. Like the Kurast Docks that are on the other side of Kurast as the city itself or the Monastery Graveyard that is located several huge plains and an underground passage from the actual monastery.
Snövit: Yes, yes, yes whatevercanIpleasetellaboutMeshifnowpleasepleasepleaseplease!
Maltatai: That's more politeness in one sentence than in your whole previous career I think. Fine, fine, how did it work out?
Rödluvan: THIS will be a long tale.
Telash: I'll get my sleeping rug set up.
Waheed: I think Atma is selling some long-lasting provision packages. I hope five weeks rations will be enough.
Snövit: HEY! Silencium!
Rödluvan: "Whistling"
Snövit: "Shoots stern glare at Rödluvan" Right. After the customably dusty field trip with Warrivs caravan I found myself appalled by seeing him turn into his "best clothes" when meeting Sultan Wannabe-Prince-of-Persia Jerhyn. What a moronic twist by the otherwise sensible (blue) Warriv! Even Jerhyn dresses better than that! A red turban - "shudder". Jerhyn boasted about his position as usual but I wasn't very interested. He's a slimy harem-hiding git of the most clichéd kind. He would not listen at all when I tried to explain to him about Diablo having already wandered to the Tomb of Tal Rasha and me needing entrance into his palace. It was as if he was just reading lines from an uninspired script! No wonder I kept my back turned to him for the better part of the conversation (better since I didn't need to see him) but he kept going as if he had my full attention.
When I turned to Warriv and gossiped a bit, Jerhyn turned to stare very harshly at him and sure enough, Warriv was quick to go into a tiresome tirade of Jerhyns qualities that nobody would believe a word of, even under unbiased circumstances. Obviously Jerhyn is oppressing free enterprising and trade in a foul and oppressive way in order to extort this kind of forced complimenting. Cunning as I am I went around in the town a bit, steering conversations towards gossip about Meshif and what he may like and not like, in a most sly and ingenious but at the same kind thoughtful and considerate way.
Rödluvan: Cunning and careful as a cougar on the prowl, grrroarrr!
Telash: "S******"
Waheed: "Chortle"
Snövit: How would you like to spend the Act hanging by your feet from the roof in Jerhyns palace? I promise you it can be arranged! If interested, please sign this contract. If not, please refrain from further immature obnoxiousness.
Rödluvan: I'll be quiet as a mouse.
Snövit: Good.
Rödluvan: Quiet as a mouse hiding from a huge mountain cat.
Snövit: ...
Snövit: Now I hope I will be free from further interruptions after twice stating that I am the one talking. It was nervous as this difficulty level to speak to Meshif again. He's so handsome! And has such a blue shirt. I don't think he recognised me but it felt like we knew each other nevertheless. When he greeted me it felt just like the first time, which it may technically have been. Damn this messed up respawning and resetting! I wondered if it had perhaps been a mistake bringing the vakyrie along. She looked stunningly good in that tasteful outfit and has a certain beaming charisma about her...charming is always hard when you have to avoid being overshadowed by your friends, even when their loyalty are beyond question and they can be unsummoned if needed.
Meshif told me he had informed Greiz about a find that could be linked to Radament but hadn't been taken very seriously. Outrageous! Stupid merc-jerk not listening to the responsible and caring sea captains of the town! Not only that, but why had he not sealed the sewer entrance at the docks, closest to Meshifs ship!? Scandalous! To lift Meshifs spirits (No, not literally, do I look like a necromancer to you? And I did not ask you, Rödluvan!) I asked if I could see his ship. It was great to be onboard it again but Meshif still hasn't had that leaky hole in the roof of my (former) cabin fixed! Or again. Well, this time I will point it out in due time before we are to set sail. Maybe we can use the stock of the Langer Briser, there is some massive good quality timber there. And I bet it's practically water resistant by now from endless repairing smiths oiling it.
Rödluvan: Don't you touch!
Snövit: Lut Gholein it certainly a city of jewels. I found two gem shrines, just in the sewers! Someone had their priorities wrong when drawing blueprints for this place I say. The sewers were quite dangerous with many nasty archers and stinking dried corpses that harmed my valkyrie a lot. Thankfully Freezing Arrow was awesome and melted them almost like fallen ones. In the lowest and most stinking level, Radament was lurking as usual. His little army had lost all sense of direction and tactics and went for me spontaneously without backing from their boss. Not that that would have helped them very much from becoming little pools of murky melt water. Radament himself was furious and so foul-mouthed he almost destroyed my valkyrie. I had to get back up to heal her. Then I slashed Radament with the mighty Woestave which shut him up when combined with the icy arrows and holy freeze. Although Waheed kept his distance during a big part of the battle, if I remember correctly.
Waheed: I did not! I was conducting a precautionary sweep of the surrounding area.
Snövit: I know. Chill out, man. I actually appreciate you staying away from poisonous mummy breath when I can handle it from a safe distance. It saves a lot of potions. So be cool. I'm cool with it.
Telash and Rödluvan:
Snövit: Reading the book of skill again was nice, but telling Meshif about it was nicer. He even called me "mate". He said the awful moaning of that fiend had kept him awake at night. The poor thing! I said it was all my pleasure to help with that and asked if there was aaanything else I could do for him? Meshif said he couldn't think of any but would tell me at once when he needed some new heroics done. I responded by smiling my most beaming smile and bowing both courtly, courteously and courting. The effect was somewhat ruined when my armour creaked - it had gotten rusty from all the sewer moisture. I have to get myself a Sapphire Dress of Voluptuousness or something for the future. Or in any case at least have Fara oil and polish my gothic plate armour.
Regarding that about being kept awake by awful moaning...well, at least the moaning won't be awful in the future, mate...
Rödluvan: ...
Waheed: What's up with your face, Rödluvan? You look like a tomato about to explode.
Maltatai: I believe it is the early stages of Laughter Explosion (skill level 17 at least). Take cover.
Rödluvan: BwaaahaHAHAHAHAhahahihihihihi! I..."gasp"....pity Meshif...if it comes to...him having to...endure that in the...future...hahahahahaa! Awful moaning...to say the least! MY REDNESS, that made the last boat trip trying! I know the inner walls of a ship can't be too thick in order to save weight but still...some of us needed our sleep!
Snövit: I. WAS. SEASICK.
Rödluvan: Above deck, yes. Below deck...that's one strangely pleasant kind of seasickness if I ever heard one!
Telash: Seriously, Red, that was below the belt.
Rödluvan: I'm sure it was.
Snövit: NO! Below the belt as in unfair duelling or banter! Not any sort....wait... You've been eavesdropping.
Rödluvan: On you? Who do you think I am? That I would...get a grip!
Snövit: You did?! YOU DID!!!
Rödluvan: "Whistling"
Telash: Hey! You stepped on my ankle almost every time! "Go out to get some fresh air", my body part soon kicked if facing lightning immunes on my own!
Rödluvan: I did actually continue out to get some fresh air too. And laugh.
Waheed: "Chuckle" Chill out, boss. She's just jealous. Or she has a secret crush on you.
Snövit: Not even the wisest of sages and diviners could ever conclude which of the alternatives would be most appalling.
Maltatai: Laughter explosion being cast on Telash. Take cover and prepare to evacuate.
Waheed: The tomato season looks to be coming early this year... Cool.
Snövit: I can scarcely believe this! SPIED ON by my very own nemesis and arch-enemy!
Rödluvan: And...friend. And I really meant no harm. It was just so great seeing you meet Meshif and having a good time. Or maybe more like hearing the last thing rather than seeing it. But I promise you that you gasp, banter, sigh, moan, complain, pant and whine about just about everything in the most flawless way.
Waheed: I can totally confirm that.
Telash: And coming from Rödluvan, her's is an expert's assessment.
Snövit: Friend?
Rödluvan: Ehm...yes? That felt strange to say. I bet my mouth will soon turn green... And I promise you I have no interest in interfering between you and Meshif. He's a nice guy but not my type. And he has almost as weird tastes as you - blue clothes "shudder"... And I bet you have icy cold feet that would keep me awake at night if nothing else...
Snövit: I guess that is good to hear...friend. But you'll still be my arch-enemy, won't you?
Rödluvan: Of course, don't worry!
Snövit: And I'll be yours.
Maltatai: Terribly sorry (not) to break into this touching confirmation of bonds of enmity, but can we get on with the rest of the desert episode? I believe there was a Horadric issue of staff management? One that involved astonishingly little human resources for being a staff issue...
Snövit: I already have the Horadric cubicle...cube...so I wasn't originally planning on visiting the Halls of the Dead, but then I read somewhere about the apparent attractiveness of female tomb raiders so I decided to visit all possible tombs. I started with the Stony Tomb but it didn't contain any particularly attracting feature, only a creeping feature.
Maltatai: I think that tomb raiding thing is just something someone decided to make up. Nothing worth looking into, really.
Snövit: Make-up? In those dusty tombs? I certainly didn't find any. But now that you mention it, some of the deadlings had ornamented face masks and many cosmetic products are toxic just like the mummies. Perhaps it is produced by them?
Maltatai: No! Make up as in two words and as in imagine and create something fictional! Uuuuuh...of all the silly things to come up with...
Snövit: I do in any case never use any make-up.
Maltatai: Wise. It's really not nearly as appreciated by guys as undead sellers would have you believe.
Snövit: It's completely superfluous. If you want to colour your lips you just take some drops of demon blood. Lasts much longer and you can get many different colours.
The Rocky Waste held boss pack after boss pack after boss pack of foes. I think I faced five or six in a row. Waheed was killed off screen by an extra fast cursed leaper pack. I have vowed to myself not to let minions tank where I can't see them. From then on things went smoothly through the Dry Hills - not very hilly - and the Far Oasis. Frozen Arrow melted almost anything. Insect swarms usually melted in one shot. I contemplated for a moment to go after the staff in the Maggot Lair but decided to postpone it.
Maltatai: Would it take up too much space in your inventory?
Rödluvan: Had you gotten a blue valkyrie that you didn't want to lose to the vile poisons of Coldworm?
Telash: Did you want to take advantage of the remaining daylight and clear the open grounds first?
Snövit: Of course not! But you all know about the smell down there and the filthy oozing slime that hangs and drops from the walls and roof. Ewww... It would have been practically impossible to get it out of my hair in time (one of the deficiencies of circlets is the lack of adequate protection from such damages) and no matter how long you bathe the smell never seems to disappear.
Rödluvan: But you'll have to go there eventually. Why postpone it?
Snövit: Because...I had urgent business elsewhere that late afternoon. Namely, early dinner at Atmas Tavern!
Rödluvan: HOWDIDITGOHOWDIDITGOHOWDIDITGO?!
Snövit: First we talked more casually about the tavern and people in town. For a moment I almost thought Meshif would fancy Fara but if he did he wouldn't have gone out with me so I think he just thought Fara was nice. Which she actually is, especially considering her silly hair colour. A healing blacksmith - superb! Just a little churchly sometimes. Meshif was also worried about his home in Kurast and Jerhyns stupid secretiveness. I promised him I could hardly wait to set sail to Kurast and the subject of sailing seemed to cheer Meshif up. He recalled the stupid unsailyness of Geglash and all the travelling he uses to do when the season is better.
Waheed: Unsailyness?
Snövit: I'm sure it is a word. If not, I just invented it so I get to patent it. Ha!
Clearing through the Far Oasis I eventually saw the characteristic passage through the cactus cliffs to the Lost City. Maybe that was the Lut Gholein of old and the current small town is just the old docks? One could hope that me passing into the ruined city would for ONCE not mysteriously coincide with the claw vipers casting their hideous astronomical spell, but true enough, welcome to the dark side. Darkness leads to restricted vision, restricted vision leads to fear, fear leads to bad reflexes in case of ambushes, bad reflexes in case of ambushes...leads to deeds. But not today!
It took searching through the better part of the Lost City and it's ancient sewers (only one level, clearly ancient when compared to the sanitary three level tunnel system of Lut Gholein) to find the Valley of Snakes. I had to go back to town endless times to buy mana potions. The plague bearers are quite sensitive to cold but don't offer much in the way of mana stealing. I spoke to Meshif about the darkness on several occasions. He tried to keep everyones mood up by joking about navigating easier than before but clearly this lengthy eclipse caused by claw vipers (yes we KNOW, Drognan) that the local wise guy had researched was very discomforting.
Then Waheed came up with a really splendid idea. He suggested that I should sing for Meshif to make him feel better!
Waheed: That was a joke! I joked that you could sing for Meshif and maybe he would fall asleep in your arms now that the night was so scary. It was even a very rude joke! Totally exaggerating Meshifs discomfort and blatantly ignoring the fact that we all felt pretty gloomy about having to face the horrifying Claw Viper Temple! While it's cool that you didn't get angry I can't believe how you could take the suggestion seriously.
Snövit: I gathered two cargo crates and put a large barrel on them to get a little stage and then had Waheed and my valkyrie stand behind it so that the aura and glow acted like improvised spotlights. I had composed the text myself and it was, if I may say so, very well suited for the occasion.
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely when it's not you I'm around
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the voice of Drognan
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the game has gone by
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I sprint and cast my decoy
Turnaround blue eyes, my valk does even
sometimes fall apart
Turnaround blue eyes, my merc does even
sometimes fall apart
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of Act V
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit helpless and I'm dreading going to Nihlatak
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit angry 'bout the cold immunes that will make me cry
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit terrified when valkyries ascend to the skies
Turnaround blue eyes, but even cold immunes
will fall apart
Turnaround blue eyes, and even viper scum
shall fall apart!
And I need some luck tonight
And I need it more than ever
And if we only win this fight
I can leave that hole forever!
And we'll soon say "let there be light"
Cause it's the Amazon line, together
We can make the sun come back here and shine
It's cloaked and in a shadow right now all of the time
Don't know what skill to use and I'm always in the dark
We're heading to a stinking viper giving off sparks
I'm facing Fangskin tonight
Forever lightning sparks and bite
Forever extra fast with claws
Back in nightmare times we were falling in love
And then the world was falling apart
There was nothing I could do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light during day
But this is not the slightest bit fun
I promise I shall fix this
Viper eclipse of the sun
little bit lonely when it's not you I'm around
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the voice of Drognan
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the game has gone by
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I sprint and cast my decoy
Turnaround blue eyes, my valk does even
sometimes fall apart
Turnaround blue eyes, my merc does even
sometimes fall apart
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of Act V
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit helpless and I'm dreading going to Nihlatak
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit angry 'bout the cold immunes that will make me cry
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit terrified when valkyries ascend to the skies
Turnaround blue eyes, but even cold immunes
will fall apart
Turnaround blue eyes, and even viper scum
shall fall apart!
And I need some luck tonight
And I need it more than ever
And if we only win this fight
I can leave that hole forever!
And we'll soon say "let there be light"
Cause it's the Amazon line, together
We can make the sun come back here and shine
It's cloaked and in a shadow right now all of the time
Don't know what skill to use and I'm always in the dark
We're heading to a stinking viper giving off sparks
I'm facing Fangskin tonight
Forever lightning sparks and bite
Forever extra fast with claws
Back in nightmare times we were falling in love
And then the world was falling apart
There was nothing I could do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light during day
But this is not the slightest bit fun
I promise I shall fix this
Viper eclipse of the sun
Maltatai: "applauding"
Rödluvan: "whistling"
Telash: "applauding"
Snövit: Right after finishing the song I tried to bow gracefully to the audience, but the stupid barrel tripped and I fell to the ground just in front of Meshif. That dock is hard to land on. You would think there would be no shortage of sand in these neighbourhoods but I think that particular spot was seriously under-duned. On a happier note, I found myself looking up into concerned seafarer eyes when I opened mine, so it was quite worth the rough landing. I nevertheless think it would be better to skip the falling part and just have the looking into eyes part after future performances. Otherwise I shall need a dress socketed with Sol runes.
Maltatai: How was the temple then?
Snövit: Right from the start - a hopeless open room without flank protection - we were stairtrapped by almost a dozen claw vipers! It took three full rejuvenation potions for us to survive that. I used multishot which hit at least half the time. The only good things about being trapped in a corner was that we had at least half-decent flank protection and could not be knocked back any more.
Still shivering, I turned to the north eastern corridor and was greeted by a viper boss pack. We were almost pushed back to the stairs again. Damn, this welcome was hard. Guided arrow worked really well but it was slow progress. Multishot was my standard skill against groups because the poisoning helped a lot even if many hits missed.
Maltatai: Just like your precious idol back in the days.
Snövit: Yes, but I would have preferred facing bone warriors instead of serpents. In the whole damn first level of the temple it was nothing but claw vipers and salamanders. All cold immune. All charging. I had to run back many times and faced several bosses that I think even Rödluvan would agree were enormously disgusting.
Rödluvan: Ewww, fire immunities!
Snövit: I had to clear practically the whole first level - maybe it was even literally the whole first level - before I found the stairs down. I could barely hold my bow steady. I cast a decoy. Nothing yet. I cast another a bit ahead. Some embaled and bone warriors attacked it but they were manageable. Then I saw a minion claw viper.
Telash: But isn't Fangskin a...
Snövit: Salamander. This was Fangskins little helper. A claw viper bosspack almost intermingled with Fangskins salamanders! For a little moment I thought we had them and that Waheed and the valkyrie could tank them in the small passage. Then they were both knocked back by charge after charge just like in the horror stories of Livexia. I led my team back up through the stairs a few times in the hopes of making the vipers spread out. It worked a bit but since they charge they were back around us in a blink. We were getting trapped by the stairs and grinded down. The rejuvenation potions had also been spent since long.
In my frustration I ran. I ran through them as they crowded around Waheed and my valkyrie. Poor Waheed fell drawing the enemy upon himself. I stuck to the left wall and hoped to find a path to the middle hill where I could open a portal to bring in a resurrected Waheed and my valkyrie. But it was blocked! Claw vipers and undead were all around the hill! I sprinted on to the northwestern corner and hid behind a large cage while my valkyrie teleported close to me. There were two guardians nearby that I targeted with magic arrows. Slowly we whittled down the undead and spare vipers. Luckily, the bosses were not aware of our presence. After finally having secured some room we proceeded east and slew Fangskins little helper and finally Fangskin himself. I kicked his altar over with all spite I could muster and stored the stupid amulet in the cube.
All the time down there I felt like I was being watched. Like some otherwordly being cloaked in fear were staring at me with sinister flaming eyes. That temple really is the stuff of hellish nightmares. Just thinking of it gives me the shivers.
Telash: You seem notably calmer, Waheed, despite being the one that has actually died.
Waheed: Yeah, I'm cool. There is no chance I will not be revived as long as Snövit lives, and if she dies I will likely perish too in a second.
Telash: What if she decides to hire another mercenary instead?
Waheed: Even if she did, she would revive me to get the powerful Equipment...wait a second...my equipment is generally lousy! But I'm still the only town guard with a frost aura in this hell. She would never choose another mercenary. Right? You wouldn't, would you?
Snövit: Of course not. I would never want to hire another mercenary. Chill out.
Waheed: Hey, that's supposed to be my line!
Snövit: But I hope we find better stuff so I don't have to have you resurrected. Otherwise you may start turning undead soon.
Waheed: Ha. Ha. Not cool.
Rödluvan and Telash: "laughter"
Snövit: Now, I'm gonna go and ask Meshif if I can crash at his ship. I'll probably sleep for the next week.
Maltatai: I hope the landing is softer than when crashing outside his ship. Over and out.
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