OT: Poetry Review

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Kitteh1

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OT: Poetry Review

This may be a bit heavy for some people, in which case stop reading, and my apologies.

My therapist recently suggested, for the millionth time, that when I'm struggling I try to express how I feel through poetry. So I've given it a go, and whilst I feel it expresses my feelings, I'm curious how it sounds to outside person. Obviously I can't read it to you, but I've tried to use grammar to give you the beat of it. Thank you for reading; It's about a particular voice I hear that makes me hurt myself, and often threatens to kill me. I guess in a way, it's written to the voice, about what it does to me, and how I think it'll end. Also, it may sound like it's been written by a 5 year old, but when I'm in these moods, I'm far from capable of great literature.

It's not yet got a title, so suggestions are welcome!




I scream terror at the night
Block the world in fright
And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking


The nights begin to stack
As I fade into the black
The curtains start to close
As I count up all the lows
The lid begins to shut
As I prepare my tools to cut.
And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking


I throw a punch
My fingers crunch
I attempt to kick
My feet are slick
With the blood I spill
For one cheap thrill
So I can feel human
And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking


As you press(trying to re-word this) your creed
I begin to plead
As I beg for death
You force my breath
To stretch my pain
That makes these stains
And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking


You're a Devil's imposter
Who created this monster
This little dead man walking
 
Re: OT: Poetry Review

This sounds like an dark poem worthy of publishing.

Hope you work out the voices soon with your psychiatrist.
 
Pretty good I think. Dark yes, but not too much.

I'm no poetic critic though, so don't have advice.
 
Re: OT: Poetry Review

I'm in the same boat as Kestegs, and he smells bad.
I think it is well written, even though I'm not a big fan of poetry. I think it's great that you're taking steps toward helping yourself, and that is probably the most important thing. If your writing is really dark because those are your thoughts, it is much better to get them out there, even if it's just ona piece of paper you throw out. Keep taking your therapists advice :nod:
 
Re: OT: Poetry Review

I scream terror at the night
Block the world in fright

For some reason, I want the "block the world" line to be a bit longer. Like, "in a fit of fright," or "bought of fright". Something about the rhythm that I just want an extra syllable or two.

And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking


The nights begin to stack
As I fade into the black
The curtains start to close
As I count up all the lows
The lid begins to shut

Eye lid? Coffin lid?

As I prepare my tools to cut.
And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking

In this stanza, consider swapping start and begins. "Curtains start", if you read it out loud, has an awkward feeling to it. I also feel the flow of "begins", being two syllables, would work better in that line. "Starts to shut" also has a nice consonance to it.



I throw a punch
My fingers crunch

You throw a punch at what? "My fingers crunch," great image.

I attempt to kick
My feet are slick
With the blood I spill
For one cheap thrill
So I can feel human

Perhaps, "So once again, I can feel human"? Human all by itself doesn't have a matching rhyme so it doesn't fit with the structure of the other stanzas.

And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking


As you press(trying to re-word this) your creed
I begin to plead
As I beg for death

I don't mind the repetition of "As I," in the previous lines, but this one feels out of place. There's an urgency building up in this stanza and the "As" just slows it down.

You force my breath
To stretch my pain
That makes these stains
And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking


You're a Devil's imposter
Who created this monster
This little dead man walking

Not sure if this was the kind of feedback you were looking for, so feel free to ignore. I thought it was good, though. And much admiration for having the guts to display your writing in public. Hope you enjoyed writing, it has always helped keep me sane. usually find keeping to a rhyming scheme to be very restrictive to the creative process, but if it works for you, keep at it.
 
Re: OT: Poetry Review

looks good, I'm not much of a poet myself, if you like music you could try playing an instrument. It's an amazing thing to express yourself, whenever I feel sad or mad I just grab my guitar and it gets a bit better. :thumbup:
 
Re: OT: Poetry Review

It's a dark poem, but for those who know Kitteh a bit that shouldn't come as a surprise. I'd be more surprised if it were some lighthearted poem about flowers and birds flying in the sun. Also, i certainly don't think it looks like something a 5 year old would've written. Despite the remarks i have about it, i think it's pretty damn good. It really words those inner emotions well.

As far as the comments go: Let me start off by saying that like most here i don't know much about poetry so take my comments any way you want. First of all some of my remarks about Doctor Clock's remarks.

Doctor Clock said:
I scream terror at the night
Block the world in fright

For some reason, I want the "block the world" line to be a bit longer. Like, "in a fit of fright," or "bought of fright". Something about the rhythm that I just want an extra syllable or two.
Click to expand...

I can agree with the extra syllable or two, but i'd make this of it:

Block out the world in fright

Doctor Clock said:
The lid begins to shut

Eye lid? Coffin lid?
Click to expand...

I don't know how Kitteh meant it, but i immediately interpreted it as a coffin lid. So i'd leave that part alone.

Doctor Clock said:
As I prepare my tools to cut.
And all the while, you watch and smile
At your little dead man walking

In this stanza, consider swapping start and begins. "Curtains start", if you read it out loud, has an awkward feeling to it. I also feel the flow of "begins", being two syllables, would work better in that line. "Starts to shut" also has a nice consonance to it.
Click to expand...

Another part i'd leave alone if it were up to me.

Doctor Clock said:
I throw a punch
My fingers crunch

You throw a punch at what? "My fingers crunch," great image.
Click to expand...

A wall was what i envisioned there.

Doctor Clock said:
I attempt to kick
My feet are slick
With the blood I spill
For one cheap thrill
So I can feel human

Perhaps, "So once again, I can feel human"? Human all by itself doesn't have a matching rhyme so it doesn't fit with the structure of the other stanzas.
Click to expand...

I totally agree that line doesn't fit in there in it's current form. I understand why it is there, but with all the other lines nicely rhyming the feel is way off. Not sure if the Doctor's suggestion would fix it though. So far i have come up empty for that too.

Now some remarks that i had that weren't mentioned:

To stretch my pain
That makes these stains

I'd put an -s behind pain. That would alliterate better with the next line and doesn't really change the content/meaning of those lines.

You're a Devil's imposter
Who created this monster
This little dead man walking

Maybe it's because the imposter and monster don't really rhyme, i don't know, but it feels kinda like you rushed the end to get the poem finished. Personally i'd try rewriting that.

Also: No-one has made title suggestions yet? I guess i'll have to take care of everything here :p. Maybe 'dead man walking' as it's a consistently repeating part of the poem. Or 'The fade' which came to me when reading the second strophe from 'the fading into the black' and i guess this whole poem is kinda about the feeling that you have that your sanity is fading further and further away from 'the real world'.

Anyways, these were my comments. Take them with a grain of salt if you want to. And most importantly: i hope you get better!



 
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