The Misadventures of Two Untwinked Bowazons
- Thread starter Maltatai
- Start date
This is the silly story of two not very amazin amazons and their misadventures. It is extremely not serious and since I am very inexperienced with archer characters it is doubtful whether they will live to finish the game. As you might have guessed from the latest statement they are hardcore characters, and also untwinked ones without any extra stash of any kind and no rune word mod. Happy reading!
Episode 1. The Greedy Trinkets of the Cold Plains
Episode 1. The Greedy Trinkets of the Cold Plains
Maltatai: Welcome to the first episode of the tale of two bow-using amazons. We will follow the progress of Rödluvan (Swedish for Little Red Riding Hood) and Snövit (Swedish for Snow White) as they try to battle their way through the evil minions of stepmothers, charming wolves and the prime evils. In this primitive game dots do not exist so just pretend that the crosses inside the Diablo o:s are made up of imprisoned dots that would like to get out and return to their proper place above the letter. Stay tuned for regular updates or completely random lack of those, depending on how much time I have for the characters.
Let's move on to the plan for each character. I will try to keep their progress more or less even and not have any rush too far ahead of the other.
Snövit: Now that's motivating... What's the point of expanding my enterprise to new levels if the progress is held down by that kind of command economy? Now I will never be able to get ahead of Rödluvan.
Maltatai: As you hear, Snövit is ideologically as blue as the frost arrows she will soon specialize in. Rödluvan is more of the red type.
Rödluvan: And I must protest against how the progress of the archer community is held down by this inappropriate linking with the evil marketing forces! Think what monumental gains we could otherwise have gained in our social solidarity if left unchecked!
Maltatai: That said, why don't you present yourself and the progress you have made so far?
Maltatai: Thank you. Over to Snövit.
Maltatai: Thank you. One thing that strikes me is that you both have greedy jewellery. It's nice to see that you agree on at least some points.
Rödluvan: Certainly not! Snövit's greed is filthy market schemes to rob the people and exploiting the workers. MY greed represents the taxes gathered for the greater good of everyone, distributed by the communal society.
Maltatai: So, when brutally slaughtering demons you are...collecting taxes?
Rödluvan: Exactly.
Snövit: Just listen to the filthy hypocrite! Did anyone ask whether those demons wanted to pay taxes in the first place? No! Rödluvan represents a brutal oppression of enemies whereas I give the demons the freedom of choice. I shout "Experience and loot or your Life" to every foe I see before engaging them.
Maltatai: Really?
Snövit: Ok, maybe not exactly but I point my bow at them in a threatening manner. Universal sign of "hand over your belongings or get attacked".
Maltatai: And how is a monster supposed to be able to give you experience without being killed?
Snövit: That's the monsters problem. I have at least given them a choice, after that it's up to the other part to pick whatever option he or she likes.
Maltatai: I see. Well, this will be all for this time. I don't think the prime evils stand much chance against such relentless capitalism or disregarding socialism. They have already made me feel a bit sick and this is just the first episode. I have to take a break until the next one. Over and out.
Let's move on to the plan for each character. I will try to keep their progress more or less even and not have any rush too far ahead of the other.
Snövit: Now that's motivating... What's the point of expanding my enterprise to new levels if the progress is held down by that kind of command economy? Now I will never be able to get ahead of Rödluvan.
Maltatai: As you hear, Snövit is ideologically as blue as the frost arrows she will soon specialize in. Rödluvan is more of the red type.
Rödluvan: And I must protest against how the progress of the archer community is held down by this inappropriate linking with the evil marketing forces! Think what monumental gains we could otherwise have gained in our social solidarity if left unchecked!
Maltatai: That said, why don't you present yourself and the progress you have made so far?
Maltatai: Thank you. Over to Snövit.
Maltatai: Thank you. One thing that strikes me is that you both have greedy jewellery. It's nice to see that you agree on at least some points.
Rödluvan: Certainly not! Snövit's greed is filthy market schemes to rob the people and exploiting the workers. MY greed represents the taxes gathered for the greater good of everyone, distributed by the communal society.
Maltatai: So, when brutally slaughtering demons you are...collecting taxes?
Rödluvan: Exactly.
Snövit: Just listen to the filthy hypocrite! Did anyone ask whether those demons wanted to pay taxes in the first place? No! Rödluvan represents a brutal oppression of enemies whereas I give the demons the freedom of choice. I shout "Experience and loot or your Life" to every foe I see before engaging them.
Maltatai: Really?
Snövit: Ok, maybe not exactly but I point my bow at them in a threatening manner. Universal sign of "hand over your belongings or get attacked".
Maltatai: And how is a monster supposed to be able to give you experience without being killed?
Snövit: That's the monsters problem. I have at least given them a choice, after that it's up to the other part to pick whatever option he or she likes.
Maltatai: I see. Well, this will be all for this time. I don't think the prime evils stand much chance against such relentless capitalism or disregarding socialism. They have already made me feel a bit sick and this is just the first episode. I have to take a break until the next one. Over and out.
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Episode 2. The Poor Horadric Hostage
Maltatai: We're back, with encouraging news for all imprisoned old men in the world! Their numbers have diminished lately, going from a total of 1 to 0 with the rescue of Deckard Cain. Apparently the tired old lady Akara suddenly learned that Cain was in danger and should be searched for. Why she hadn't come up with the idea earlier remains unknown.
Snövit: It is not unknown, it's all completely obvious. Rescuing him in sensible time would ruin the dramatic effect. For the same reason, the demons and undead of Tristram could not be allowed to behave normally and just slaughter and eat Cain instead of imprisoning him. But maybe he tastes bad and they put him in the cage to keep him away from the other food.
Maltatai: Right, but I wonder how this fits in with the fact that no matter how long you dawdle or how fast you hurry, Cain seems to be in the same state of health and boredom. Perhaps his metabolic functions and ageing has slowed down to nothing due to their paralysing boredom? How was the journey to Tristram?
Snövit: Excellent, because this time I started first. At level 13 I acquired the magical and magnificent free and endless magic arrows. What a feeling...endless arrow spamming. I found a great deal of blue little demons in a stony field that I most reluctantly shot down despite their beautiful colour. Sadly, I could not find any demon hide to make a blue suit of armour of. What a shame. I especially liked the boss Rakanishu, the one that all other carvers idolize to the point that they use his name as a battle cry.
To get to this strange tree I was apparently supposed to find I had to crawl through a murky tunnel. Luckily my arrows are shining and could be used to illuminate the path ahead. I had no real difficulties with anyone here and even took the time to loot the second level of the passage. Sometime I also managed to gamble a pair of boots that increased speed, but only to a minor extent. I've been doing a lot of running so my vitality has increased.
The tree in question was guarded by some large ape-like creatures that made me think of the man-bear-pig of South Park. Maybe they are related. The dark wood does not qualify for being a wood because it is just a plain open ground with some trees scattered on it. It should be called the dark park or something. But why complain (except to fill out the story) - it makes excellent archery ground. Luckily I had gotten the waypoint in this park-wood so I wouldn't have to crawl through the tunnel again.
Maltatai: At least not in this difficulty...
Snövit: What is that supposed to mean?
Maltatai: Ahh, nothing. Please continue.
Snövit: Right, so I had gotten the waypoint and travelled back to the Rogue camp. I must say i prefer this way of travelling. Why can't those waypoints be activated from the start? It would be much more convenient.
Maltatai: I think it is part of the Rogue energy-conservation policy, to reduce expenses. Waypoints are put offline until someone activates them.
Snövit: Aha. Then it is all in order. Akara interpreted the scroll to be a list of which of the Cairn Stones should be touched first in order to open a secret portal to Tristram. I’m sure it is very secret and not at all attracting attention, hidden as it is in the middle of a stone monument in an otherwise empty plain. When I was about to go back I noticed to my embarrassment that I had forgotten to activate the Stony Field waypoint so I had to go back from the Cold Plains.
Rödluvan: What a nOOb! Loser! Ahahahahaha!
Snövit: I could do without maniacal laughter from you in the future. The town of Tristram wasn't much of a talking point except for the annoying blacksmith. He kept approaching me trying to sell the outdated items from Diablo I!
Maltatai: You don't think he was trying to attack you?
Snövit: Nah, why would he move so slowly in that case? Even zombies are faster than that. He must have been trying to sell me something. I offered him payment in the form of my finest magic arrows (I have after all complete control of that market) and after many barrages of bartering Griswold was so overwhelmed with my generosity that he fainted and dropped some useless loot.
Maltatai: You mean you shot him until he fell to the ground, destroyed, a process that would be called dying had he not been undead?
Snövit: Whatever. I didn't stop to check. Cain was easily let out of his cage. It's a miracle he couldn't do that on his own. I mean, he can even conjure up town portals out of nothing. How he was unable to escape by himself beats me. Akara gave me a ring and Cain offered me a lifetime discount should I hire his identification firm at any time in the near future. After my heroic escapades I have reached level 15 and have a point in Inner Sight and Slow Missiles. The latter of them should prove useful in the future. Blaise has reached level 13.
Maltatai: I hear you also found some old book.
Snövit. Yes. It is some sort of fairy tale about a countess that is buried alive. Apparently it's supposed to make everyone eager to travel to a ruined tower somewhere. Such stupid fan behaviour. I'm sure it's just a scheme from a Black Marsh tourism department to attract more travellers. Personally I would recommend them to start with changing the name to something more welcoming, like the Sunny Marshes or something.
Maltatai. There may be runes there...
Snövit: RUNES?! WHERE?! WHERE?! WHERE?!
Maltatai: Patience is a virtue, at least until next chapter. Now let's hear the story of Rödluvan.
Rödluvan: Not a line too early, I say! I, the competent one, did of course not forget any stony waypoint.
Snövit: Yeah, just gloat about it, you moron.
Rödluvan: The journey through the tunnels and the Dark Wood was much quicker for me since my fine explosive arrows seem to carry the fire damage from the rubies in m bow. I can't wait to get my hands on some Ral runes... However it also costs more mana. My travels are a bit like first class ones - expensive but faster and better - while the greedy and miserly Snövit won't spare a penny to afford more than her silly magic arrows. I was happy to dispose of the ugly blue carvers who I suspect are evil telephone salesmen in disguise or some other capitalist scum.
With 30:ish mana I can afford six flaming arrows until I have to drink so they must be used sparingly. I tried to herd enemies together as much as possible but they like to spread out.
They probably do that just to annoy me. I have found a few nice topazes but, alas, they don't suit my theme. But maybe my mercenary can use them in the future.
Having to use normal attack most of the time has been rather embarrassing with that hag looking over my artificial shoulder for opportunities to taunt me. She would qualify as a barbarian the way she behaves!
Maltatai: But you haven't exactly been the incarnation of politeness either.
Rödluvan: Petty details, petty details. The important thing is that the poor Cain was rescued from his sorry state of solitude, locked away from the community and kept out of society. What horrible fate!
Snövit: Not at all. The appalling thing with Cains imprisonment is the oppression of his individual freedom. To restrict ones unhindered movement like that – terrible! Surely the loss of freedom was the worst to bear!
Rödluvan: Unthinkable! It must have been to be cut off from the rest of our community.
Maltatai: You don't think it could have been both? Anyway, if this is so important to you, why don't you just ask Mr. Deckard Cain about the matter?
Rödluvan: What do you mean? That would be like...like...like listening to what the people actually want. Totally out of the question!
Snövit: Or like producing good quality products that your customers would actually require. Completely unthinkable!
Maltatai: Here we go again... I can't stand them sometimes. Over and out.
Snövit: It is not unknown, it's all completely obvious. Rescuing him in sensible time would ruin the dramatic effect. For the same reason, the demons and undead of Tristram could not be allowed to behave normally and just slaughter and eat Cain instead of imprisoning him. But maybe he tastes bad and they put him in the cage to keep him away from the other food.
Maltatai: Right, but I wonder how this fits in with the fact that no matter how long you dawdle or how fast you hurry, Cain seems to be in the same state of health and boredom. Perhaps his metabolic functions and ageing has slowed down to nothing due to their paralysing boredom? How was the journey to Tristram?
Snövit: Excellent, because this time I started first. At level 13 I acquired the magical and magnificent free and endless magic arrows. What a feeling...endless arrow spamming. I found a great deal of blue little demons in a stony field that I most reluctantly shot down despite their beautiful colour. Sadly, I could not find any demon hide to make a blue suit of armour of. What a shame. I especially liked the boss Rakanishu, the one that all other carvers idolize to the point that they use his name as a battle cry.
To get to this strange tree I was apparently supposed to find I had to crawl through a murky tunnel. Luckily my arrows are shining and could be used to illuminate the path ahead. I had no real difficulties with anyone here and even took the time to loot the second level of the passage. Sometime I also managed to gamble a pair of boots that increased speed, but only to a minor extent. I've been doing a lot of running so my vitality has increased.
The tree in question was guarded by some large ape-like creatures that made me think of the man-bear-pig of South Park. Maybe they are related. The dark wood does not qualify for being a wood because it is just a plain open ground with some trees scattered on it. It should be called the dark park or something. But why complain (except to fill out the story) - it makes excellent archery ground. Luckily I had gotten the waypoint in this park-wood so I wouldn't have to crawl through the tunnel again.
Maltatai: At least not in this difficulty...
Snövit: What is that supposed to mean?
Maltatai: Ahh, nothing. Please continue.
Snövit: Right, so I had gotten the waypoint and travelled back to the Rogue camp. I must say i prefer this way of travelling. Why can't those waypoints be activated from the start? It would be much more convenient.
Maltatai: I think it is part of the Rogue energy-conservation policy, to reduce expenses. Waypoints are put offline until someone activates them.
Snövit: Aha. Then it is all in order. Akara interpreted the scroll to be a list of which of the Cairn Stones should be touched first in order to open a secret portal to Tristram. I’m sure it is very secret and not at all attracting attention, hidden as it is in the middle of a stone monument in an otherwise empty plain. When I was about to go back I noticed to my embarrassment that I had forgotten to activate the Stony Field waypoint so I had to go back from the Cold Plains.
Rödluvan: What a nOOb! Loser! Ahahahahaha!
Snövit: I could do without maniacal laughter from you in the future. The town of Tristram wasn't much of a talking point except for the annoying blacksmith. He kept approaching me trying to sell the outdated items from Diablo I!
Maltatai: You don't think he was trying to attack you?
Snövit: Nah, why would he move so slowly in that case? Even zombies are faster than that. He must have been trying to sell me something. I offered him payment in the form of my finest magic arrows (I have after all complete control of that market) and after many barrages of bartering Griswold was so overwhelmed with my generosity that he fainted and dropped some useless loot.
Maltatai: You mean you shot him until he fell to the ground, destroyed, a process that would be called dying had he not been undead?
Snövit: Whatever. I didn't stop to check. Cain was easily let out of his cage. It's a miracle he couldn't do that on his own. I mean, he can even conjure up town portals out of nothing. How he was unable to escape by himself beats me. Akara gave me a ring and Cain offered me a lifetime discount should I hire his identification firm at any time in the near future. After my heroic escapades I have reached level 15 and have a point in Inner Sight and Slow Missiles. The latter of them should prove useful in the future. Blaise has reached level 13.
Maltatai: I hear you also found some old book.
Snövit. Yes. It is some sort of fairy tale about a countess that is buried alive. Apparently it's supposed to make everyone eager to travel to a ruined tower somewhere. Such stupid fan behaviour. I'm sure it's just a scheme from a Black Marsh tourism department to attract more travellers. Personally I would recommend them to start with changing the name to something more welcoming, like the Sunny Marshes or something.
Maltatai. There may be runes there...
Snövit: RUNES?! WHERE?! WHERE?! WHERE?!
Maltatai: Patience is a virtue, at least until next chapter. Now let's hear the story of Rödluvan.
Rödluvan: Not a line too early, I say! I, the competent one, did of course not forget any stony waypoint.
Snövit: Yeah, just gloat about it, you moron.
Rödluvan: The journey through the tunnels and the Dark Wood was much quicker for me since my fine explosive arrows seem to carry the fire damage from the rubies in m bow. I can't wait to get my hands on some Ral runes... However it also costs more mana. My travels are a bit like first class ones - expensive but faster and better - while the greedy and miserly Snövit won't spare a penny to afford more than her silly magic arrows. I was happy to dispose of the ugly blue carvers who I suspect are evil telephone salesmen in disguise or some other capitalist scum.
With 30:ish mana I can afford six flaming arrows until I have to drink so they must be used sparingly. I tried to herd enemies together as much as possible but they like to spread out.
They probably do that just to annoy me. I have found a few nice topazes but, alas, they don't suit my theme. But maybe my mercenary can use them in the future.
Having to use normal attack most of the time has been rather embarrassing with that hag looking over my artificial shoulder for opportunities to taunt me. She would qualify as a barbarian the way she behaves!
Maltatai: But you haven't exactly been the incarnation of politeness either.
Rödluvan: Petty details, petty details. The important thing is that the poor Cain was rescued from his sorry state of solitude, locked away from the community and kept out of society. What horrible fate!
Snövit: Not at all. The appalling thing with Cains imprisonment is the oppression of his individual freedom. To restrict ones unhindered movement like that – terrible! Surely the loss of freedom was the worst to bear!
Rödluvan: Unthinkable! It must have been to be cut off from the rest of our community.
Maltatai: You don't think it could have been both? Anyway, if this is so important to you, why don't you just ask Mr. Deckard Cain about the matter?
Rödluvan: What do you mean? That would be like...like...like listening to what the people actually want. Totally out of the question!
Snövit: Or like producing good quality products that your customers would actually require. Completely unthinkable!
Maltatai: Here we go again... I can't stand them sometimes. Over and out.
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Episode 3. Snövit's All-Night Run
Snövit: Yahooo! Yahiii! It’s meee! I have at last broken free of Maltatai’s evil control and foul enterprise-restricting double-character-playing idea. Now it is I who am running things here, and I am running them fast and efficient! I have already run the countess once. Guess what I got? A Ral rune! Screw YOU, Rödluvan! I got a Ral rune, I got a Ral rune! I bet the countess will be out of those when you get there. Carried exploding fire damage, goodbye...hahaha!
The magic free arrows made short work of all enemies in the Black Marsh, and I must say it was especially satisfying to shoot those red Blood Clan goat men in the tower. The red blood hawks or whatever they are called were also good targets, but the returned are kinda irritating because they block arrows like if they were silly knights in shining armor with crosses on their shields. You know who I’m talking about “wink”.
I’m currently wearing this VERY thematically themed suit of hard leather armor with two white chipped skulls in it. One could expect the armor to become white from that, but it turned black! Even blacker than the standard amazon middle-armor black. Where is the logic in this game... Another disappointment is that contrary to what the name implies, hard leather armor does not turn you into a hard rocker. So the soundtrack is still the plain old outdoor act one stuff. Boo!
Almost all the time I was out, it was black night. I left camp at maybe five in the afternoon and stayed out until dawn. Since I spent most of the time in the hole and the forgotten tower you could say that I was out all night at two infamous underground nightclubs. But I still don’t think Kashya should go, like, mad, like that. Blaise says she’s the same to all the rogues but I am actually bigger than them! I was at least 16 levels old and I think it’s very discriminating of those demons to have a level 18 age limit in their clubs. But I crashed into their dark dungeons anyway and crashed their party too while I was at it.
It is a bit tiresome, though, I must say. All those places are so dark that you have to fire arrows madly to see anything and cast slow missiles just to illuminate it all. After taking all those shots at the foes I was a bit dizzy, but dizziness is after all to be expected after so many shots at a nightclub. Blaise was also tired, I think more so than me. She is after all just 15 levels old so I guess it’s natural. She behaves well overall (mainly because I kill almost all foes before she can get herself into trouble by running up next to them and other rogue-ish misbehaviour). Blaise said it was especially exhausting when she had to take down big monsters herself without my help, but hey, I can’t be everywhere at once!
When we came back to camp during the morning Blaise was almost sleeping in my arms. Luckily I have found an amulet of regeneration (+5) so we will soon be rested and fresh again. You should have seen Kashyas face when she saw us! Unholy cows, that woman can be really noisy sometimes. Standing with her arms crossed as always, she went on and on about
and
or
And that was just the beginning. When Blaise mumbled something about how tired she was from taking all “the killa’ shots” (rogue slang for finishing a monster all by herself – taking the “killer shot”) I thought Kashya would explode. She seemed to think Blaise had talked about something called Tequila shots instead, whatever that is. Maybe it’s some sort of new arrow? I’ve got to ask Blaise tomorrow.
I can’t imagine how the rogues can put up with Kashya. She’s really over-protective of the rogues. Maybe it has something to do with them being so strangely small (much smaller than in Diablo I it is said). Perhaps THAT is the strange curse Andariel has cast on them that Akara and Kashya has mentioned – shrinking them all. But that is still no excuse for her to be like that. She’s like the annoying mother or stepmother of the camp and the tiny rogues are like the seven dwarfs.
Maltatai: Then all is in order, isn’t it, considering yours and Rödluvan’s names?
Snövit: Yaaawn... Maybe. Will write more tomorrow. Unless the quest against the prime evils is hanging too heavy over me in which case I will have to go out and adventure instead.
Maltatai: Yes, these quest “hangovers” can be quite a nuisance after a full night of shots at parties of demons.
Snövit: No kidding, wise guy...zzz...
Maltatai: Sweet dreams. While you take your well-deserved (?) break I might go and play with Rödluvan.
Snövit: Zzz...noo...zzz....must not fall asleep...zzz
Maltatai: “whisper” Over and out.
The magic free arrows made short work of all enemies in the Black Marsh, and I must say it was especially satisfying to shoot those red Blood Clan goat men in the tower. The red blood hawks or whatever they are called were also good targets, but the returned are kinda irritating because they block arrows like if they were silly knights in shining armor with crosses on their shields. You know who I’m talking about “wink”.
I’m currently wearing this VERY thematically themed suit of hard leather armor with two white chipped skulls in it. One could expect the armor to become white from that, but it turned black! Even blacker than the standard amazon middle-armor black. Where is the logic in this game... Another disappointment is that contrary to what the name implies, hard leather armor does not turn you into a hard rocker. So the soundtrack is still the plain old outdoor act one stuff. Boo!
Almost all the time I was out, it was black night. I left camp at maybe five in the afternoon and stayed out until dawn. Since I spent most of the time in the hole and the forgotten tower you could say that I was out all night at two infamous underground nightclubs. But I still don’t think Kashya should go, like, mad, like that. Blaise says she’s the same to all the rogues but I am actually bigger than them! I was at least 16 levels old and I think it’s very discriminating of those demons to have a level 18 age limit in their clubs. But I crashed into their dark dungeons anyway and crashed their party too while I was at it.
It is a bit tiresome, though, I must say. All those places are so dark that you have to fire arrows madly to see anything and cast slow missiles just to illuminate it all. After taking all those shots at the foes I was a bit dizzy, but dizziness is after all to be expected after so many shots at a nightclub. Blaise was also tired, I think more so than me. She is after all just 15 levels old so I guess it’s natural. She behaves well overall (mainly because I kill almost all foes before she can get herself into trouble by running up next to them and other rogue-ish misbehaviour). Blaise said it was especially exhausting when she had to take down big monsters herself without my help, but hey, I can’t be everywhere at once!
When we came back to camp during the morning Blaise was almost sleeping in my arms. Luckily I have found an amulet of regeneration (+5) so we will soon be rested and fresh again. You should have seen Kashyas face when she saw us! Unholy cows, that woman can be really noisy sometimes. Standing with her arms crossed as always, she went on and on about
and
or
And that was just the beginning. When Blaise mumbled something about how tired she was from taking all “the killa’ shots” (rogue slang for finishing a monster all by herself – taking the “killer shot”) I thought Kashya would explode. She seemed to think Blaise had talked about something called Tequila shots instead, whatever that is. Maybe it’s some sort of new arrow? I’ve got to ask Blaise tomorrow.
I can’t imagine how the rogues can put up with Kashya. She’s really over-protective of the rogues. Maybe it has something to do with them being so strangely small (much smaller than in Diablo I it is said). Perhaps THAT is the strange curse Andariel has cast on them that Akara and Kashya has mentioned – shrinking them all. But that is still no excuse for her to be like that. She’s like the annoying mother or stepmother of the camp and the tiny rogues are like the seven dwarfs.
Maltatai: Then all is in order, isn’t it, considering yours and Rödluvan’s names?
Snövit: Yaaawn... Maybe. Will write more tomorrow. Unless the quest against the prime evils is hanging too heavy over me in which case I will have to go out and adventure instead.
Maltatai: Yes, these quest “hangovers” can be quite a nuisance after a full night of shots at parties of demons.
Snövit: No kidding, wise guy...zzz...
Maltatai: Sweet dreams. While you take your well-deserved (?) break I might go and play with Rödluvan.
Snövit: Zzz...noo...zzz....must not fall asleep...zzz
Maltatai: “whisper” Over and out.
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Episode 4. Concerning Monasteries, Smiths and Pits
Maltatai: After some time off it seems Snövit has recovered and is ready to put Blaise in new kinds of trouble. This time they are...
Snövit: Now, knock it OFF! Blaise has never been in serious danger and I would also like to point out that she followed me totally freely.
Maltatai: Of course. A hireling in a linear role playing game has all the power in the world to leave whenever she wishes... By the way, I hear Blaise's health bar dropped down to yellow this time and you had to manically town portal her to safety.
Snövit: Rubbish! I was in complete control all the time. It was an advanced plan to weaken and disrupt a bosspack of goatmen. Everything was a calculated risk.
Maltatai: I see. Was the risk calculated before or after the encounter?
Snövit: Why don't you let me tell the chapter from the start instead of these lame attempts at sarcastic humour?
When I woke up I found Kashya and Akara waiting to speak with me. They wanted to send Blaise to some prim, boring, restrictive religious school to learn not to hang out with amazons with bad reputations. No personal offense intended of course. I did of course not take it personally, I mean, how could I? This camp must be swarming with amazons. The fact that I have never seen anyone else doesn't mean that there might be dozens hiding behind Gheeds wagon. Those old harpies! The trouble with the rogue leadership is that they are just jealous because we are better archers! They thought that I should go too to this religious stuff. Ah, whatever. I decided I could check it out. I had nothing better to do at the moment.
Crossing the Tamoe Highland I was impressed with the fashionable blue colour of the corrupted rogues here. Something strikes me. The Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye (what a name for a group of archers) was never that popular but the number of corrupted rogues seems literally endless. Could it be that Andariel is better at marketing her competing sisterhhod? Could it be the diversity of uniforms and weapons available? I also found a rogue chieftain with a very nice aura. It was all blue and radiated icy cold and chilled and slowed everyone around. I want aura! I want aura!
I also visited the famous pit. It was filled with bone warriors and more corrupted rogues. I have heard that the pit is great for finding valuable and powerful items but I didn't see any of those.
Maltatai: That's a bit of an overstatement. The pit, hrrm, needs to mature for a time. Like a bottle of wine. Then it can be raided for high level items.
Snövit: Another thing is that I would have expected a scary vampire boss or similar in the lower levels. I was greatly disappointed.
Maltatai: Why on earth would you expect that?
Snövit: Because of the name, of course. The Pit.
Maltatai: The Pit, not the Pitt! Pit as in hole, abyss, underground area, not Ingrid (may she rise from the dead to sink her teeth in more horror movies). While the game is filled with a number of hammer horrors (one is soon to appear) she does not appear I'm afraid.
Snövit: Booooo!
Maltatai: Which is just as well, I might add. Only a completely overbearingly chivalrous, despicably holier-than-thou and nauseatingly boring snob (also known as Paladin) could stand any chance of destroying her. If Mircalla/Carmilla/Marcilla Karnstein appeared in the game she would wield superpowers that controlled the mind of all female characters in no time.
Snövit: At not-so-long last we stood before that stupid girl school. I was appalled! This is not a school, it's a freaking monastery!
Those silly harpies will turn Blaise into a nun! Over my dead Saturday nights! Raagh!
I stormed the place to find it...totally empty. It was very strange and suspicious. I even activated a waypoint in the courtyard but still no sign of anyone. Well, these places are boring, but this was getting ridiculous. Finally we found some devilkin receptionists in the monastery barracks. They explained that the business had been taken over by Andariel.
Maltatai: You mean they started to attack you and shoot fireballs at you?
Snövit: Yes, like I said. Aren't you paying attention? I was very happy that Blaise would be unable to attend any classes here, except for Advanced Archery Grade 4. In the deepest recesses of the barracks I found a most hideous character. It was truly a hammer horror. He spoke with a loud voice that is one of the most frightening things to experience when you are new to Diablo II. Mr Smith!
Maltatai: It's actually "The Smith".
Snövit: Are you sure?
Maltatai: Yes. So you called him Mr Smith. How did he take it?
Snövit: Pretty angrily. H seemed to think it was insulting to be called Mr Smith. I don't know why, it is a very common name in many English-speaking countries.
Maltatai: I think he was referring to the movie called Mr and Mrs Smith - utter crap that has spawned from the dark side of film industry. Actually, it includes the dark side of acting Pitts too. Wait a little, the Smith is of course Mr Smith. Who is Mrs Smith? Oh, it must be Andariel, hahaha! Or maybe Blood Raven?
Snövit: I'm sure the readers are very interested in your personal preferences of film that you so subtly (NOT!) hide in shallow jokes... We explored the monastery barracks and came upon the next shock.
First a monastery school and now this! What has Blaise done to deserve this? Going to jail! For what?!
Blaise: Maybe they want to throw you into jail?
Snövit: What!?
Maltatai: Or maybe it's just a dungeon with a jail theme leading to the end of the act which you have to use in this one-way linear game.
Snövit: A jail that is bigger than the monastery itself. Either your sisterhood has an entire different aim than I thought or some demons have been very busy building this.
Maltatai: Why don't you ask Blaise?
Blaise: I've never been down there. Until now, that is.
Snövit: That place was creepy. I found a waypoint and then took a long break. When I returned to the camp I had a VERY productive chat with Kashya and Akara and told them of my opinions of certain aspects of Rogue leadership. I also mentioned one or two anecdotes regarding target practise and Amazon customs and they have now agreed to leave Blaise and me alone to pursue our own interests.
In this jail we encountered the most disgusting and ugly of all super-uniques. I am of course talking about Pitspawn Fouldog! By this time I had gained a level and learned to shoot a simple cold arrow. While not so effective, it is my first snowy skill so I am at last both snowy and white. I tried it out for the first time on no other than Pitspawn Fouldog himself, who is cold enchanted and thus must have been extraordinarily humiliated by being chilled by my arrows.
Maltatai: Any good finds?
Snövit: No, but I got some topazes that may be useful later and charms of lightning and poison damage (note to self: remove before eating, otherwise fork becomes electrical and food tastes disgusting). Over and out.
Maltatai: I am supposed to say that!
Snövit: But I beat you to it. Haha! And now this episode is officially over so you can't say it until the next one!
Maltatai: Where I am sure Rödluvan will be delighted to play the title role.
Snövit: You wouldn't dare!
Maltatai: "dodges magic Arrow"
Snövit: Now, knock it OFF! Blaise has never been in serious danger and I would also like to point out that she followed me totally freely.
Maltatai: Of course. A hireling in a linear role playing game has all the power in the world to leave whenever she wishes... By the way, I hear Blaise's health bar dropped down to yellow this time and you had to manically town portal her to safety.
Snövit: Rubbish! I was in complete control all the time. It was an advanced plan to weaken and disrupt a bosspack of goatmen. Everything was a calculated risk.
Maltatai: I see. Was the risk calculated before or after the encounter?
Snövit: Why don't you let me tell the chapter from the start instead of these lame attempts at sarcastic humour?
When I woke up I found Kashya and Akara waiting to speak with me. They wanted to send Blaise to some prim, boring, restrictive religious school to learn not to hang out with amazons with bad reputations. No personal offense intended of course. I did of course not take it personally, I mean, how could I? This camp must be swarming with amazons. The fact that I have never seen anyone else doesn't mean that there might be dozens hiding behind Gheeds wagon. Those old harpies! The trouble with the rogue leadership is that they are just jealous because we are better archers! They thought that I should go too to this religious stuff. Ah, whatever. I decided I could check it out. I had nothing better to do at the moment.
Crossing the Tamoe Highland I was impressed with the fashionable blue colour of the corrupted rogues here. Something strikes me. The Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye (what a name for a group of archers) was never that popular but the number of corrupted rogues seems literally endless. Could it be that Andariel is better at marketing her competing sisterhhod? Could it be the diversity of uniforms and weapons available? I also found a rogue chieftain with a very nice aura. It was all blue and radiated icy cold and chilled and slowed everyone around. I want aura! I want aura!
I also visited the famous pit. It was filled with bone warriors and more corrupted rogues. I have heard that the pit is great for finding valuable and powerful items but I didn't see any of those.
Maltatai: That's a bit of an overstatement. The pit, hrrm, needs to mature for a time. Like a bottle of wine. Then it can be raided for high level items.
Snövit: Another thing is that I would have expected a scary vampire boss or similar in the lower levels. I was greatly disappointed.
Maltatai: Why on earth would you expect that?
Snövit: Because of the name, of course. The Pit.
Maltatai: The Pit, not the Pitt! Pit as in hole, abyss, underground area, not Ingrid (may she rise from the dead to sink her teeth in more horror movies). While the game is filled with a number of hammer horrors (one is soon to appear) she does not appear I'm afraid.
Snövit: Booooo!
Maltatai: Which is just as well, I might add. Only a completely overbearingly chivalrous, despicably holier-than-thou and nauseatingly boring snob (also known as Paladin) could stand any chance of destroying her. If Mircalla/Carmilla/Marcilla Karnstein appeared in the game she would wield superpowers that controlled the mind of all female characters in no time.
Snövit: At not-so-long last we stood before that stupid girl school. I was appalled! This is not a school, it's a freaking monastery!
Those silly harpies will turn Blaise into a nun! Over my dead Saturday nights! Raagh!
I stormed the place to find it...totally empty. It was very strange and suspicious. I even activated a waypoint in the courtyard but still no sign of anyone. Well, these places are boring, but this was getting ridiculous. Finally we found some devilkin receptionists in the monastery barracks. They explained that the business had been taken over by Andariel.
Maltatai: You mean they started to attack you and shoot fireballs at you?
Snövit: Yes, like I said. Aren't you paying attention? I was very happy that Blaise would be unable to attend any classes here, except for Advanced Archery Grade 4. In the deepest recesses of the barracks I found a most hideous character. It was truly a hammer horror. He spoke with a loud voice that is one of the most frightening things to experience when you are new to Diablo II. Mr Smith!
Maltatai: It's actually "The Smith".
Snövit: Are you sure?
Maltatai: Yes. So you called him Mr Smith. How did he take it?
Snövit: Pretty angrily. H seemed to think it was insulting to be called Mr Smith. I don't know why, it is a very common name in many English-speaking countries.
Maltatai: I think he was referring to the movie called Mr and Mrs Smith - utter crap that has spawned from the dark side of film industry. Actually, it includes the dark side of acting Pitts too. Wait a little, the Smith is of course Mr Smith. Who is Mrs Smith? Oh, it must be Andariel, hahaha! Or maybe Blood Raven?
Snövit: I'm sure the readers are very interested in your personal preferences of film that you so subtly (NOT!) hide in shallow jokes... We explored the monastery barracks and came upon the next shock.
First a monastery school and now this! What has Blaise done to deserve this? Going to jail! For what?!
Blaise: Maybe they want to throw you into jail?
Snövit: What!?
Maltatai: Or maybe it's just a dungeon with a jail theme leading to the end of the act which you have to use in this one-way linear game.
Snövit: A jail that is bigger than the monastery itself. Either your sisterhood has an entire different aim than I thought or some demons have been very busy building this.
Maltatai: Why don't you ask Blaise?
Blaise: I've never been down there. Until now, that is.
Snövit: That place was creepy. I found a waypoint and then took a long break. When I returned to the camp I had a VERY productive chat with Kashya and Akara and told them of my opinions of certain aspects of Rogue leadership. I also mentioned one or two anecdotes regarding target practise and Amazon customs and they have now agreed to leave Blaise and me alone to pursue our own interests.
In this jail we encountered the most disgusting and ugly of all super-uniques. I am of course talking about Pitspawn Fouldog! By this time I had gained a level and learned to shoot a simple cold arrow. While not so effective, it is my first snowy skill so I am at last both snowy and white. I tried it out for the first time on no other than Pitspawn Fouldog himself, who is cold enchanted and thus must have been extraordinarily humiliated by being chilled by my arrows.
Maltatai: Any good finds?
Snövit: No, but I got some topazes that may be useful later and charms of lightning and poison damage (note to self: remove before eating, otherwise fork becomes electrical and food tastes disgusting). Over and out.
Maltatai: I am supposed to say that!
Snövit: But I beat you to it. Haha! And now this episode is officially over so you can't say it until the next one!
Maltatai: Where I am sure Rödluvan will be delighted to play the title role.
Snövit: You wouldn't dare!
Maltatai: "dodges magic Arrow"
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Episode 5. Andy
Maltatai: In an announcement of tremendous spoiling, we can now announce that Rödluvan and Snövit have finished Act 1 and are both on level 20 and on their way to travel east across the mountain pass.
Rödluvan: Great. Just great. Do you think anyone will keep reading on now?
Snövit: This would never happen if the position of narrator was subject to a bit of commercial competition.
Rödluvan: Or if it was assigned the most merited of public officials.
Maltatai: But luckily it isn't, so: How was the end of Act 1?
Rödluvan: End of it!? You left when I had just rescued Cain and you dare ask me about the end of the act!? I have half of it left to tell about!
Maltatai: Allright, allright, the word goes to Rödluvan. Please tell us all about the exciting travels in the later part of the act.
Rödluvan: Following the discovery of the Black Marsh I took a trip to the tower. The Countess was a better countess than hostess, for she only gave me a Nef rune. How useless! At least this early in the game... I went back to the rogue camp and read up on obscure laws of taxation. I found an interesting entry that read "If the tax master should decide to re-enter the game at any time in the future, he or she may impose additional taxes on the population in proportion to the times the game is replayed". Thereby, I could raid the tower for even more revenue! I found some useless runes but then I also found three Ral runes! Snövit, you were saying something? Unfortunately I could not equip the Hunters Bow Of Flaming Horror until very late in the act due to the silly level requirement.
I actually found a secret cow level at one point. I think. But it was rather small. And not so dangerous.
Maltatai: According to some complaints I received from the rogue camp, you became unbearably arrogant for much of the later half of the act. Perhaps that had something to do with you wearing two triumphant rings?
Rödluvan: Of course not, they are just jealous of my supreme fire arrows.
Maltatai: Which were not so supreme yet since you didn't have the Ral:ed bow.
Rödluvan: If you keep these interruptions coming I will never finish the story! Be quiet! At level 17 I could use the nice stealthy armour I had created by decorating a suit of quilted armour with two runes. Together with a pair of gambled boots it allowed me to run over 30 % faster than Snövit!
I was then very happy to slay everyone in the Tamoe Highland (except me and Floria) and the Pit - blue corrupted rogues and white skeletons. The incarnation of evil!
Snövit: I heard that!
Rödluvan: Good. I have increased my vitality to 65 by doing lots of exercise. For example, sprinting across monastery garden through enemy packs:
I have also become an expert at the noble sport of barrel-kicking!
I'm pretty, kicking and good, and also pretty good at kicking. Maybe I should dual-class and become an assassin too?
Maltatai: You can't dual-class in Diablo II. This isn't Baldurs Gate II.
Rödluvan: "shouts curse"
Maltatai: "saving throw versus spell"
Rödluvan: In the monastery I met some very enterprising smith. He was going to make weapons of my bones he said, but I informed him that I did not consent. With a flaming arrow. Or maybe a dozen. The rest of the monastery establishment didn't like that so they threw me into jail. Alas, what oppression the red minority groups must endure!
Maltatai: I thought you went to jail freely because it is the only way to reach the inner cloister?
Rödluvan: No, it was their fault. The establishment. And the huge companies, like Snövit.
Snövit: I beg you pardon?
Rödluvan: I have heard you talking to the rogues. You run a great and widespread business that owns the very minds of theirs.
Snövit: I was telling them to mind their own business, not that my business owns their minds!
Rödluvan: Er, aha... That seemed much more plausible. I lighted up the jail with my flaming projectiles and after a while finished my project of getting out on the other side. What kind of morons builds an inner cloister with no means of accessing it except through a set of dungeons?
Maltatai: They're called the sisterhood of the sightless eye. You have met them. Even hired two. Now to the big question: How was Andariel?
Snövit: Big and smelly. Not to say stinking. Her breath...the very air seemed poisonous. My arrows hit well but it took ages to bring her down.
Rödluvan: My arrows were more effective. Once I get some kind of tank and adequate protection for my nose I will probably raid her again.
Maltatai: I also believe congratulations are in order. You both managed to best her without losing your rogue at all. In fact, you have completed act 1 without any casualties. Well done!
Rödluvan: What am I hearing? Compliments from that fool?
Snövit: I must have gotten something in my ear. Maybe the confusion curse.
Maltatai: Now, I am actually quite polite sometimes. Do you have any questions about act 1 by the way?
Snövit: Yes. What kind of cathedral is that really?
Maltatai: I am not sure, but I think it is a prototype for the French Notre Dame, famous for its gargoyle sculptures. And the rogue cathedral has some gargoyle traps as you know.
What do you think of Act 2?
Rödluvan: Very warm but luckily I have gambled a circlet with cold damage so I can keep my head cool.
Snövit: I look forward to melting the minions of undead resurrecters.
Blaise and Floria: But we don't! We want to stay here in the western kingdoms, with the other rogues.
Snövit and Rödluvan: Allright, allright, we'll hire some more desert-like mercenaries. Take care of yourselves, little rogues. Don't rush headlong into melees or get lost around corners. Thanks for your help!
Maltatai: Desert-like mercenaries...Would that be deserters perhaps? Find out in the next update. Over and out.
Rödluvan: Great. Just great. Do you think anyone will keep reading on now?
Snövit: This would never happen if the position of narrator was subject to a bit of commercial competition.
Rödluvan: Or if it was assigned the most merited of public officials.
Maltatai: But luckily it isn't, so: How was the end of Act 1?
Rödluvan: End of it!? You left when I had just rescued Cain and you dare ask me about the end of the act!? I have half of it left to tell about!
Maltatai: Allright, allright, the word goes to Rödluvan. Please tell us all about the exciting travels in the later part of the act.
Rödluvan: Following the discovery of the Black Marsh I took a trip to the tower. The Countess was a better countess than hostess, for she only gave me a Nef rune. How useless! At least this early in the game... I went back to the rogue camp and read up on obscure laws of taxation. I found an interesting entry that read "If the tax master should decide to re-enter the game at any time in the future, he or she may impose additional taxes on the population in proportion to the times the game is replayed". Thereby, I could raid the tower for even more revenue! I found some useless runes but then I also found three Ral runes! Snövit, you were saying something? Unfortunately I could not equip the Hunters Bow Of Flaming Horror until very late in the act due to the silly level requirement.
I actually found a secret cow level at one point. I think. But it was rather small. And not so dangerous.
Maltatai: According to some complaints I received from the rogue camp, you became unbearably arrogant for much of the later half of the act. Perhaps that had something to do with you wearing two triumphant rings?
Rödluvan: Of course not, they are just jealous of my supreme fire arrows.
Maltatai: Which were not so supreme yet since you didn't have the Ral:ed bow.
Rödluvan: If you keep these interruptions coming I will never finish the story! Be quiet! At level 17 I could use the nice stealthy armour I had created by decorating a suit of quilted armour with two runes. Together with a pair of gambled boots it allowed me to run over 30 % faster than Snövit!
I was then very happy to slay everyone in the Tamoe Highland (except me and Floria) and the Pit - blue corrupted rogues and white skeletons. The incarnation of evil!
Snövit: I heard that!
Rödluvan: Good. I have increased my vitality to 65 by doing lots of exercise. For example, sprinting across monastery garden through enemy packs:
I have also become an expert at the noble sport of barrel-kicking!
I'm pretty, kicking and good, and also pretty good at kicking. Maybe I should dual-class and become an assassin too?
Maltatai: You can't dual-class in Diablo II. This isn't Baldurs Gate II.
Rödluvan: "shouts curse"
Maltatai: "saving throw versus spell"
Rödluvan: In the monastery I met some very enterprising smith. He was going to make weapons of my bones he said, but I informed him that I did not consent. With a flaming arrow. Or maybe a dozen. The rest of the monastery establishment didn't like that so they threw me into jail. Alas, what oppression the red minority groups must endure!
Maltatai: I thought you went to jail freely because it is the only way to reach the inner cloister?
Rödluvan: No, it was their fault. The establishment. And the huge companies, like Snövit.
Snövit: I beg you pardon?
Rödluvan: I have heard you talking to the rogues. You run a great and widespread business that owns the very minds of theirs.
Snövit: I was telling them to mind their own business, not that my business owns their minds!
Rödluvan: Er, aha... That seemed much more plausible. I lighted up the jail with my flaming projectiles and after a while finished my project of getting out on the other side. What kind of morons builds an inner cloister with no means of accessing it except through a set of dungeons?
Maltatai: They're called the sisterhood of the sightless eye. You have met them. Even hired two. Now to the big question: How was Andariel?
Snövit: Big and smelly. Not to say stinking. Her breath...the very air seemed poisonous. My arrows hit well but it took ages to bring her down.
Rödluvan: My arrows were more effective. Once I get some kind of tank and adequate protection for my nose I will probably raid her again.
Maltatai: I also believe congratulations are in order. You both managed to best her without losing your rogue at all. In fact, you have completed act 1 without any casualties. Well done!
Rödluvan: What am I hearing? Compliments from that fool?
Snövit: I must have gotten something in my ear. Maybe the confusion curse.
Maltatai: Now, I am actually quite polite sometimes. Do you have any questions about act 1 by the way?
Snövit: Yes. What kind of cathedral is that really?
Maltatai: I am not sure, but I think it is a prototype for the French Notre Dame, famous for its gargoyle sculptures. And the rogue cathedral has some gargoyle traps as you know.
What do you think of Act 2?
Rödluvan: Very warm but luckily I have gambled a circlet with cold damage so I can keep my head cool.
Snövit: I look forward to melting the minions of undead resurrecters.
Blaise and Floria: But we don't! We want to stay here in the western kingdoms, with the other rogues.
Snövit and Rödluvan: Allright, allright, we'll hire some more desert-like mercenaries. Take care of yourselves, little rogues. Don't rush headlong into melees or get lost around corners. Thanks for your help!
Maltatai: Desert-like mercenaries...Would that be deserters perhaps? Find out in the next update. Over and out.
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Episode 6. Sand And More Sand
Maltatai: After a long and tiresome journey with Warriws caravan the two "good" friends arrived at the small town of Lut Gholein. The town was poor and built of rickety mud bricks and wood. It had a small wall around but no gates but still no enemies could get through the opening for some strange and probably stupid reason. Despite being so poor, the town was dominated by a huge palace of white and red stone. It was easy to see where the wealth from any trade had been invested....
The palace was owned by the young brat called Jerhyn. He was a complete fool and meekly ruler who would not even have dared to tell his subjects about a demon invasion in his own cellar for fear of losing their confidence. Having the news leak out would of course be so much better for their opinion of him...
The town still held out against the demons besieging it, thanks to the mercenaries of Ghreiz whose loyalty to their former masters and affinity with the desert had earned them the nickname "the deserters". For some funny reason the demons allowed Warriws caravan to pass through on its journey eastward, but maybe the protagonists shot down all attackers on their way to Act II. Rödluvan and Snövit immediately consulted Ghreiz upon arriving in Lut Gholein.
Snövit: I hired the defiant Kasim, with a shining blue aura that makes him an excellent defender.
Rödluvan: I hired Waheed the offensive, with an excellent red aura that made us both hit very well.
Maltatai: Did any of you need those aura effects or was it just for the colour that you choose the respective mercenaries?
Rödluvan: The colour of course.
Snövit: Yes, naturally.
Maltatai: Lut Gholein's social life, for those who haven't been there, is dominated by Atma's tavern. She and Elzix have made a complete market division between themselves and now have full monopoly on the tavern business of the town. They seem to be subject to neither public control nor commercial competition.
Rödluvan: Aren't you exaggerating a bit now? This is just a small town, everyone knows everything about everyone so public control exists anyway.
Snövit: And I doubt it is a very good idea to start a competing tavern since the only free space is outside the walls.
Maltatai: "snort" You only overlook it because Atma gave you free cookies after slaying the greater mummy Radament for her. She only does that to make people thirsty so they will buy more of her drinks, by the way, but I hear she was worried about your pets infesting the place. Can you explain that?
Rödluvan: We found some funny beetles in Lut Gholein. They were really cool. I had four of them following me to my stash after I gave them sugar from Atmas cookies. I named them John, Paul , George and Ringo.
Snövit: You're wrong, they followed ME!
Rödluvan: They didn't!
Snövit: They did!
Rödluvan: Didn't!
Snövit: Did!
Maltatai: Come on, aren't you a bit too old to quarrel about the beetles? That seems kind of outdated. You are after all over 20 levels old, can't you share the company of the beetles?
Rödluvan: With...her? Never! The noble Amazon community will rather go down than consort with the foul marketing capitalist powers!
Snövit: As if I would dream of cooperating with the oppressive forces of freedom-restricting bureaucracies! Over my liquidated company!
Maltatai: Don't talk more about liquid, this desert is hot enough as it is.
Snövit: Look who's talking - the lazy bum who just sits on his chair playing while WE, I mean I, have to do the job of running back and forth and shooting in this overgrown beach. Speaking of beaches, why doesn't Lut Gholein have a beach? They only have that rotting dock. Think what income from tourism a nice long beach could generate!
Rödluvan: Think of the tax revenue!
Snövit: Shut up!
Rödluvan: You shut up, you tax-dodging embezzler!
Maltatai: It seems like we are a bit overheated by the sun here. Why don't you continue the story of the progress through the act and amaze the world with how you bested the most beastly beasts?
Snövit: Cain sent me out on a random quest to collect to halves of a Horadric Staff that was the key to finding and entering Tal Rashas chamber. Apparently Tyrael and Marius and Diablo and Duriel had no trouble doing so without the staff... Don't ask me about the logic here... One half was hidden among slimy maggots under the ground and another in a dusty temple filled with serpent-themed creatures. The god thing with the mission was finding the Horadric Cube where you can put extra stuff. Another good thing is that if you put drinks in the cube, they will stay cold and fresh forever until you take them out again.
I have heard that some people wonder how I fared against the scarabs, this ominous plague of act 2. They were actually...not very hard. Slow missiles caused most of their bolts to fade away before they reached me and Kasim blocked many as well. Since I had some mana leaching and free arrows I could more or less spam slow missiles when necessary.
After the religiously oppressing the claw vipers and their tainted sun cult I learned that Jerhyn had apparently lost control of not only the town but even his own palace. He is such a lousy idiot and moron and really just a usurper on the throne. Aaaah, well, I suppose I had to help him as wellso I headed down through his harem (which is larger than the rest of his house - that should tell you something about his character) and his cellar which is about twice as big as the whole town. At the bottom there was a large strange portal leading to the strangest place I had ever seen. It was made of white stone or something, built as four large squares with bridges leading to the middle where a waypoint was situated.
I saw the most peculiar things here. There was an odd collection of monsters that seemed more suited to act 1 - goatmen, ghosts and ghoul lords. The ghosts were yellowish spectres. They didn't appreciate my joke about them being the spirits of people addicted to lemon juice because they all went sour and started to attack me.
In one corner of this Arcane Sanctuary there was a stair that literally felt like the end of the world. I stood there for a long time and looked out among the stars. There was only the occasional scepter passing by and attacking that disturbed the peace.
Maltatai: You mean specter?
Snövit: No, there were some scepters as well. Look:
Maltatai: I have heard about the flying scimitars but this... This must be the work of some evil paladin.
Snövit: Kasim had once studied astronomy, until Drognan threw him out after an unfortunate misunderstanding about the proper placement of spears in libraries. Kasim told of a special constellation of stars that is sometimes visible here. It was said to form some sort of message and some nights one could see golden shapes passing by far away in the sky. Here in the Arcane Sanctuary we saw both the stars and the shapes very clearly - below. They were some sort of vessels, golden yellow as the finest of Amazon armour.
Later on we ran into the enemy chieftain with the stupidest name I have yet to see.
Aaargh! I mean, "Bone Drinker". Drinking bones? Bones are not liquid, you can't drink bones. Even meaningless nonsense like "Blade Touch the Axe" or "Ash Wound the Slayer" is better than this.
At the end of this place in one direction was some kind of artist's studio where a summoning guy tried to summon his strength and courage to defend his collection of runes marking the false tombs of Tal Rasha. Why on earth didn't he just make one sign, depicting the sign of the true tomb? The summoners efforts were futile because I shot him down together with his minions from afar, using the Amazon radar.
Maltatai: You mean sweeping the area with magic arrows until the life/mana leach graphics tell you that you've hit something?
Snövit: Yes, that's what I said. You've got to pay attention!
Maltatai: Blah, blah... Ehrrrm, Rödluvan, how was your journey through act 2?
Rödluvan: I burned most things to the ground, except the pesky burning dead. To be red and fire resistant - what an outrage! The nasty scarab beetles were not much of a problem because they fell so quickly to my exploding arrows. Those beetles are just wannabe-beetles! Nothing like my beetles in Lut Gholein.
When I had just stumbled on the ruins of a lost city in the middle of the desert (what kind of moron chooses that place to be the site of a city? No water, no grass, no shade...) everything went dark. It was like an eclipse all of a sudden. When I returned to town Drognan was mystified about the length of it. The fact that it came out of nowhere did not concern him. He did in any case blame the claw vipers. They had a temple next to this city. It was defended by a primitive and ineffective fire tower. Lame compared to my socketed hunter's bow.
Their next defence was more clever, but not so reliable. Waheed was suddenly magically removed from the world, but then he reappeared! It was a devastating spell without doubt, but not so reliable. Waheed later said that this flashing back and forth reminded him of something, but he couldn't remember exactly what. He decided to call this strange experience a "Flashback", strange as it sounds.
In the Arcane Sanctuary I did at least not stop to watch the sky or other absent-minded things, but went straight to the summoner once I found him and shot his minions and him to dust.
Baal had left once we got to the tomb. Perhaps we would have caught him if Cain had given that mission a bit of priority instead of putting it last of all the quests of this act. Duriel was very annoying because he kept following me and not my subtly casted decoy! Such insolent behaviour is appalling!
Maltatai: Snövit, how did you fare against Baal's door guard?
Snövit: Much better than the incompetent red fellow around here. I managed to distract Duriel with my decoy and mercenary.
Rödluvan: That was pure luck!
Maltatai: Yes, yes, any good finds in the act?
Rödluvan: Yes, I gambled a nice pair of gloves with 27 lightning resist and 20 magic find, a decent circlet with life leech and 40 cold resist and some cold damage, a rare belt with 19 lightning resist and 12 cold resist. I also found a nagelring!
Maltatai: I'm starting to detect a certain pattern here... Preparing to run Mephisto?
Rödluvan: Actually not, I just found those things randomly. I sorely miss fire resistance - ironic, I know.
Maltatai: Thank you. What did you find Snövit?
Snövit: I have a circlet with lightning damage and mana leech, a ring with life leech and 21 cold resist while the other has 22 magic find and 10 lightning resist. I have also a stored circlet with cold and lightning resist and Kasim has one with 39 fire resist. Haha, you can't have it, you can't have it!
Rödluvan: You immature git.
Maltatai: Congratulations on finishing another act on player 8 with no lost mercenaries, and not starting a civil war among the Amazons in the process. Over and out.
The palace was owned by the young brat called Jerhyn. He was a complete fool and meekly ruler who would not even have dared to tell his subjects about a demon invasion in his own cellar for fear of losing their confidence. Having the news leak out would of course be so much better for their opinion of him...
The town still held out against the demons besieging it, thanks to the mercenaries of Ghreiz whose loyalty to their former masters and affinity with the desert had earned them the nickname "the deserters". For some funny reason the demons allowed Warriws caravan to pass through on its journey eastward, but maybe the protagonists shot down all attackers on their way to Act II. Rödluvan and Snövit immediately consulted Ghreiz upon arriving in Lut Gholein.
Snövit: I hired the defiant Kasim, with a shining blue aura that makes him an excellent defender.
Rödluvan: I hired Waheed the offensive, with an excellent red aura that made us both hit very well.
Maltatai: Did any of you need those aura effects or was it just for the colour that you choose the respective mercenaries?
Rödluvan: The colour of course.
Snövit: Yes, naturally.
Maltatai: Lut Gholein's social life, for those who haven't been there, is dominated by Atma's tavern. She and Elzix have made a complete market division between themselves and now have full monopoly on the tavern business of the town. They seem to be subject to neither public control nor commercial competition.
Rödluvan: Aren't you exaggerating a bit now? This is just a small town, everyone knows everything about everyone so public control exists anyway.
Snövit: And I doubt it is a very good idea to start a competing tavern since the only free space is outside the walls.
Maltatai: "snort" You only overlook it because Atma gave you free cookies after slaying the greater mummy Radament for her. She only does that to make people thirsty so they will buy more of her drinks, by the way, but I hear she was worried about your pets infesting the place. Can you explain that?
Rödluvan: We found some funny beetles in Lut Gholein. They were really cool. I had four of them following me to my stash after I gave them sugar from Atmas cookies. I named them John, Paul , George and Ringo.
Snövit: You're wrong, they followed ME!
Rödluvan: They didn't!
Snövit: They did!
Rödluvan: Didn't!
Snövit: Did!
Maltatai: Come on, aren't you a bit too old to quarrel about the beetles? That seems kind of outdated. You are after all over 20 levels old, can't you share the company of the beetles?
Rödluvan: With...her? Never! The noble Amazon community will rather go down than consort with the foul marketing capitalist powers!
Snövit: As if I would dream of cooperating with the oppressive forces of freedom-restricting bureaucracies! Over my liquidated company!
Maltatai: Don't talk more about liquid, this desert is hot enough as it is.
Snövit: Look who's talking - the lazy bum who just sits on his chair playing while WE, I mean I, have to do the job of running back and forth and shooting in this overgrown beach. Speaking of beaches, why doesn't Lut Gholein have a beach? They only have that rotting dock. Think what income from tourism a nice long beach could generate!
Rödluvan: Think of the tax revenue!
Snövit: Shut up!
Rödluvan: You shut up, you tax-dodging embezzler!
Maltatai: It seems like we are a bit overheated by the sun here. Why don't you continue the story of the progress through the act and amaze the world with how you bested the most beastly beasts?
Snövit: Cain sent me out on a random quest to collect to halves of a Horadric Staff that was the key to finding and entering Tal Rashas chamber. Apparently Tyrael and Marius and Diablo and Duriel had no trouble doing so without the staff... Don't ask me about the logic here... One half was hidden among slimy maggots under the ground and another in a dusty temple filled with serpent-themed creatures. The god thing with the mission was finding the Horadric Cube where you can put extra stuff. Another good thing is that if you put drinks in the cube, they will stay cold and fresh forever until you take them out again.
I have heard that some people wonder how I fared against the scarabs, this ominous plague of act 2. They were actually...not very hard. Slow missiles caused most of their bolts to fade away before they reached me and Kasim blocked many as well. Since I had some mana leaching and free arrows I could more or less spam slow missiles when necessary.
After the religiously oppressing the claw vipers and their tainted sun cult I learned that Jerhyn had apparently lost control of not only the town but even his own palace. He is such a lousy idiot and moron and really just a usurper on the throne. Aaaah, well, I suppose I had to help him as wellso I headed down through his harem (which is larger than the rest of his house - that should tell you something about his character) and his cellar which is about twice as big as the whole town. At the bottom there was a large strange portal leading to the strangest place I had ever seen. It was made of white stone or something, built as four large squares with bridges leading to the middle where a waypoint was situated.
I saw the most peculiar things here. There was an odd collection of monsters that seemed more suited to act 1 - goatmen, ghosts and ghoul lords. The ghosts were yellowish spectres. They didn't appreciate my joke about them being the spirits of people addicted to lemon juice because they all went sour and started to attack me.
In one corner of this Arcane Sanctuary there was a stair that literally felt like the end of the world. I stood there for a long time and looked out among the stars. There was only the occasional scepter passing by and attacking that disturbed the peace.
Maltatai: You mean specter?
Snövit: No, there were some scepters as well. Look:
Maltatai: I have heard about the flying scimitars but this... This must be the work of some evil paladin.
Snövit: Kasim had once studied astronomy, until Drognan threw him out after an unfortunate misunderstanding about the proper placement of spears in libraries. Kasim told of a special constellation of stars that is sometimes visible here. It was said to form some sort of message and some nights one could see golden shapes passing by far away in the sky. Here in the Arcane Sanctuary we saw both the stars and the shapes very clearly - below. They were some sort of vessels, golden yellow as the finest of Amazon armour.
Later on we ran into the enemy chieftain with the stupidest name I have yet to see.
Aaargh! I mean, "Bone Drinker". Drinking bones? Bones are not liquid, you can't drink bones. Even meaningless nonsense like "Blade Touch the Axe" or "Ash Wound the Slayer" is better than this.
At the end of this place in one direction was some kind of artist's studio where a summoning guy tried to summon his strength and courage to defend his collection of runes marking the false tombs of Tal Rasha. Why on earth didn't he just make one sign, depicting the sign of the true tomb? The summoners efforts were futile because I shot him down together with his minions from afar, using the Amazon radar.
Maltatai: You mean sweeping the area with magic arrows until the life/mana leach graphics tell you that you've hit something?
Snövit: Yes, that's what I said. You've got to pay attention!
Maltatai: Blah, blah... Ehrrrm, Rödluvan, how was your journey through act 2?
Rödluvan: I burned most things to the ground, except the pesky burning dead. To be red and fire resistant - what an outrage! The nasty scarab beetles were not much of a problem because they fell so quickly to my exploding arrows. Those beetles are just wannabe-beetles! Nothing like my beetles in Lut Gholein.
When I had just stumbled on the ruins of a lost city in the middle of the desert (what kind of moron chooses that place to be the site of a city? No water, no grass, no shade...) everything went dark. It was like an eclipse all of a sudden. When I returned to town Drognan was mystified about the length of it. The fact that it came out of nowhere did not concern him. He did in any case blame the claw vipers. They had a temple next to this city. It was defended by a primitive and ineffective fire tower. Lame compared to my socketed hunter's bow.
Their next defence was more clever, but not so reliable. Waheed was suddenly magically removed from the world, but then he reappeared! It was a devastating spell without doubt, but not so reliable. Waheed later said that this flashing back and forth reminded him of something, but he couldn't remember exactly what. He decided to call this strange experience a "Flashback", strange as it sounds.
In the Arcane Sanctuary I did at least not stop to watch the sky or other absent-minded things, but went straight to the summoner once I found him and shot his minions and him to dust.
Baal had left once we got to the tomb. Perhaps we would have caught him if Cain had given that mission a bit of priority instead of putting it last of all the quests of this act. Duriel was very annoying because he kept following me and not my subtly casted decoy! Such insolent behaviour is appalling!
Maltatai: Snövit, how did you fare against Baal's door guard?
Snövit: Much better than the incompetent red fellow around here. I managed to distract Duriel with my decoy and mercenary.
Rödluvan: That was pure luck!
Maltatai: Yes, yes, any good finds in the act?
Rödluvan: Yes, I gambled a nice pair of gloves with 27 lightning resist and 20 magic find, a decent circlet with life leech and 40 cold resist and some cold damage, a rare belt with 19 lightning resist and 12 cold resist. I also found a nagelring!
Maltatai: I'm starting to detect a certain pattern here... Preparing to run Mephisto?
Rödluvan: Actually not, I just found those things randomly. I sorely miss fire resistance - ironic, I know.
Maltatai: Thank you. What did you find Snövit?
Snövit: I have a circlet with lightning damage and mana leech, a ring with life leech and 21 cold resist while the other has 22 magic find and 10 lightning resist. I have also a stored circlet with cold and lightning resist and Kasim has one with 39 fire resist. Haha, you can't have it, you can't have it!
Rödluvan: You immature git.
Maltatai: Congratulations on finishing another act on player 8 with no lost mercenaries, and not starting a civil war among the Amazons in the process. Over and out.
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Episode 7. The Swampy Jungle
Maltatai: After not so long time of playing our protagonists have another update of thrilling adventures to share with the world. Rödluvan was the first to be playing so it seems logical that she is the first to tell about it.
Rödluvan: When I arrived in Kurast I was greeted by the stench of rotting fish and a very elegant sorcerer speaking about the lack of sanity in the town. Most welcoming... He was dressed all in red. More inhabitants of Kurats shared his excellent taste, like Natalya the advertising model. It is really lame that she doesn't acknowledge other assassins when she has been a walking spoiler for that class since the beginning of time. But her cape is bright red. The most stylish were the Iron Wolves mercenaries. Dressed all in red except a bit of armour.
I hired one of them, Telash the lightning mage. I figured that the Amazon community could use some buffing of the public education - so what could be better than a lightning mage to bring some enlightment to the people?
Maltatai: SO. LAME. Enlightment. So unbearably lame.
Rödluvan: Don't be such a bore. We tore through the endless heaps of annoying little kids with blowguns and cuttlery in no time. After finding a random statuette it turned out that Meshif just happened to wish to trade it for a golden bird which just happened to contain magical ashes of a dead sorcerer which Alkor used to create a very healthy potion for me.
Maltatai: Wait, so you actually drank the ashes of a burned corpse?
Rödluvan: Ehrrm, yes. Hmm, I feel a bit sick. Excuse me for a moment.
Maltatai: Snövit, could you in the meantime tell us about your first impressions of Kurast?
Snövit: The town is filled with morons. Alkor is kinda fun, though. He said he doesn't like to be disturbed while studying the first time I met him, but I don't think he really meant it because he is always happy when I visit him. His potions are best left untouched but his comments on things in the jungle are great. This is my favourite:
"Hratli is only good for making his silly magic weapons. It's not like he's got the stones to actually go out and use them on anything"
After the statue business Cain sent me out to collect body parts of a dead priest. What is it with people in this place - first a drink of someones ashes and now gathering body parts?
Maltatai: This is after all the homeland of the necromancers...
Snövit: The first body part was Khalims eyeball. It was kept in a treasure chest in a cave filled with spiders. I have no idea why spiders would keep chests or why they hadn't eaten the eye if they were so eager to keep Khalims relics from being gathered. The spiders were lead by some chieftain that was known as Szzark the Burning. He had a pack of red spiders near the chest. The red spiders were of course the most evil ones.
Rödluvan: No they weren't! You just say that because they were read!
Snövit: You are probably in league with them, redling!
Maltatai: Don't start again. Rödluvan, how did you fare against the spider lord?
Rödluvan: He was a total coward. He hid in a little closet and strangely had no minions at all...
Snövit: HA! I told you! They are conspiring! I bet she wil be the next spider queen.
Rödluvan: While you will be queen of mosquitoes or other bloodsuckers. Or maybe of parasites. Anyway, me and Telash blasted our way throught flayer pack after flayer pack. After a slimy trip to the slimy dungeon I made it to Kurast. It was simple and unchallenging. Is that intended?
Maltatai: Sort of. I just don't like the jungle very much so I generally have characters assemble most of the gear they use in act II and then just run through, getting experience but not stopping for anything else.
Rödluvan: In Kurast I once again had to go down into slimy dark passages - this time the sewers. I had been given a map where the place of the second level was marked with an archetypical "X" but the place has freaking X:es everywhere! Who designed those pillars?! I had to go through the whole place before I found the stairs down.
Snövit: You are just an incompetent cartographer. I bet you simply got lost. Watch MY sewer map!
Rödluvan: You spoilt brat!
Snövit: Now that I have hijacked the post I might as well go on and tell about the centre of Kurast. It was filled with religious fanatics, walking trees and leapers and vulture demons. The last ones are really annoying. They can't be harmed while in the air so you have to wait until they land.
Maltatai: Excuse me, what are those bows for?
Snövit: Don't blame me, I didn't design this stupid game! While running around downtown Alkor sent me to find a tattered book that supposedly contained important information. I had no objection, but it would have been nicer to know what was actually written in the book and how it would help us. The book was hidden in one of six temples scattered randomly in this spiritual city. I am also happy to inform that Rödluvans collaborators finally turned on her and stairtrapped her in one of the temples!
Rödluvan: Will you stop it!? There isn't any red-monster-conspiracy!
The Council and Mephisto were both easy although Mephisto was mean to Kasim and nearly killed him.
Maltatai: How did you fare, Rödluvan?
Rödluvan: At least as good as that capitalist hag. No big trouble, just time-consuming. Why must I do bosses on players8?
Maltatai: It's cooler and more macho. Have you found anything good?
Rödluvan: Yes, I got Duskdeep and Griswolds Edge for Telash. I have also made him a Stealth leather armour and Ancients Pledge shield. AND I finally have some mana leeching, having found a 7% Manald Heal! I have also found a nice shimmering jewel of envy, but I don't know where to put it yet.
Snövit: I have found lots of runes and made Zephyr in a stag bow. The extra speed is much appreciated. I have evn managed to get a perfect ruby from a gem shrine. Will probably use it for a blood belt. I have a 14 ED/+5 max damage jewel to put somewhere before it becomes obsolete. But all that pales in comparison to what I found when a flayer pack dropped two set items, one which was useless. The other, however...
Maltatai: I think I can guess where this is going (even without having plyed the character in question)...
Snövit: BEHOLD! THE HOLY GRAIL OF ARCHERY!
Maltatai: What, the splint mail?
Snövit: Don't you dare spoil my triumph with your mockery! Tremble before the might of knockback and hit slows target 25%!
Rödluvan: Snövit, what colour are those gloves?
Snövit: Why, they are... no. No. NO! NOOOOOO!
Maltatai: Maybe you can keep them despite them being red. Slowing is after all associated with cold. But I think Rödluvan may have one or two taunting comments about it...
Snövit: Don't say a word! Not one word!
Rödluvan: Or else?
Snövit: Or I'll... I'll trap Telash in Kurast and you will have to go to hell without a hireling!
Rödluvan: Pfeef! That's impossible.
Snövit: No it isn't. I trapped Ormus next to the pyramid after delivering the Gidbinn. Now he will forever stand in the same spot. So watch it!
Maltatai: Aren't you supposed to be heroes or something. Trapping poor Ormus in the maze of his own lousy ai, that's not nice.
Snövit: Ah, He'll be released as soon as I start a new gaming session. So you better start with me in act IV.
Rödluvan: No! Do not yield to such appaling extortion!
Maltatai: I am not. But it is actually Snövits turn to start first. The next episode will be about the smoking fires of hell itself where the now 31 levels old protagonists must face the first really dangerous boss so far, Mr flaming-spells-and-lightning-breath-across-the-whole-room. Over and out.
Rödluvan: When I arrived in Kurast I was greeted by the stench of rotting fish and a very elegant sorcerer speaking about the lack of sanity in the town. Most welcoming... He was dressed all in red. More inhabitants of Kurats shared his excellent taste, like Natalya the advertising model. It is really lame that she doesn't acknowledge other assassins when she has been a walking spoiler for that class since the beginning of time. But her cape is bright red. The most stylish were the Iron Wolves mercenaries. Dressed all in red except a bit of armour.
I hired one of them, Telash the lightning mage. I figured that the Amazon community could use some buffing of the public education - so what could be better than a lightning mage to bring some enlightment to the people?
Maltatai: SO. LAME. Enlightment. So unbearably lame.
Rödluvan: Don't be such a bore. We tore through the endless heaps of annoying little kids with blowguns and cuttlery in no time. After finding a random statuette it turned out that Meshif just happened to wish to trade it for a golden bird which just happened to contain magical ashes of a dead sorcerer which Alkor used to create a very healthy potion for me.
Maltatai: Wait, so you actually drank the ashes of a burned corpse?
Rödluvan: Ehrrm, yes. Hmm, I feel a bit sick. Excuse me for a moment.
Maltatai: Snövit, could you in the meantime tell us about your first impressions of Kurast?
Snövit: The town is filled with morons. Alkor is kinda fun, though. He said he doesn't like to be disturbed while studying the first time I met him, but I don't think he really meant it because he is always happy when I visit him. His potions are best left untouched but his comments on things in the jungle are great. This is my favourite:
"Hratli is only good for making his silly magic weapons. It's not like he's got the stones to actually go out and use them on anything"
After the statue business Cain sent me out to collect body parts of a dead priest. What is it with people in this place - first a drink of someones ashes and now gathering body parts?
Maltatai: This is after all the homeland of the necromancers...
Snövit: The first body part was Khalims eyeball. It was kept in a treasure chest in a cave filled with spiders. I have no idea why spiders would keep chests or why they hadn't eaten the eye if they were so eager to keep Khalims relics from being gathered. The spiders were lead by some chieftain that was known as Szzark the Burning. He had a pack of red spiders near the chest. The red spiders were of course the most evil ones.
Rödluvan: No they weren't! You just say that because they were read!
Snövit: You are probably in league with them, redling!
Maltatai: Don't start again. Rödluvan, how did you fare against the spider lord?
Rödluvan: He was a total coward. He hid in a little closet and strangely had no minions at all...
Snövit: HA! I told you! They are conspiring! I bet she wil be the next spider queen.
Rödluvan: While you will be queen of mosquitoes or other bloodsuckers. Or maybe of parasites. Anyway, me and Telash blasted our way throught flayer pack after flayer pack. After a slimy trip to the slimy dungeon I made it to Kurast. It was simple and unchallenging. Is that intended?
Maltatai: Sort of. I just don't like the jungle very much so I generally have characters assemble most of the gear they use in act II and then just run through, getting experience but not stopping for anything else.
Rödluvan: In Kurast I once again had to go down into slimy dark passages - this time the sewers. I had been given a map where the place of the second level was marked with an archetypical "X" but the place has freaking X:es everywhere! Who designed those pillars?! I had to go through the whole place before I found the stairs down.
Snövit: You are just an incompetent cartographer. I bet you simply got lost. Watch MY sewer map!
Rödluvan: You spoilt brat!
Snövit: Now that I have hijacked the post I might as well go on and tell about the centre of Kurast. It was filled with religious fanatics, walking trees and leapers and vulture demons. The last ones are really annoying. They can't be harmed while in the air so you have to wait until they land.
Maltatai: Excuse me, what are those bows for?
Snövit: Don't blame me, I didn't design this stupid game! While running around downtown Alkor sent me to find a tattered book that supposedly contained important information. I had no objection, but it would have been nicer to know what was actually written in the book and how it would help us. The book was hidden in one of six temples scattered randomly in this spiritual city. I am also happy to inform that Rödluvans collaborators finally turned on her and stairtrapped her in one of the temples!
Rödluvan: Will you stop it!? There isn't any red-monster-conspiracy!
The Council and Mephisto were both easy although Mephisto was mean to Kasim and nearly killed him.
Maltatai: How did you fare, Rödluvan?
Rödluvan: At least as good as that capitalist hag. No big trouble, just time-consuming. Why must I do bosses on players8?
Maltatai: It's cooler and more macho. Have you found anything good?
Rödluvan: Yes, I got Duskdeep and Griswolds Edge for Telash. I have also made him a Stealth leather armour and Ancients Pledge shield. AND I finally have some mana leeching, having found a 7% Manald Heal! I have also found a nice shimmering jewel of envy, but I don't know where to put it yet.
Snövit: I have found lots of runes and made Zephyr in a stag bow. The extra speed is much appreciated. I have evn managed to get a perfect ruby from a gem shrine. Will probably use it for a blood belt. I have a 14 ED/+5 max damage jewel to put somewhere before it becomes obsolete. But all that pales in comparison to what I found when a flayer pack dropped two set items, one which was useless. The other, however...
Maltatai: I think I can guess where this is going (even without having plyed the character in question)...
Snövit: BEHOLD! THE HOLY GRAIL OF ARCHERY!
Maltatai: What, the splint mail?
Snövit: Don't you dare spoil my triumph with your mockery! Tremble before the might of knockback and hit slows target 25%!
Rödluvan: Snövit, what colour are those gloves?
Snövit: Why, they are... no. No. NO! NOOOOOO!
Maltatai: Maybe you can keep them despite them being red. Slowing is after all associated with cold. But I think Rödluvan may have one or two taunting comments about it...
Snövit: Don't say a word! Not one word!
Rödluvan: Or else?
Snövit: Or I'll... I'll trap Telash in Kurast and you will have to go to hell without a hireling!
Rödluvan: Pfeef! That's impossible.
Snövit: No it isn't. I trapped Ormus next to the pyramid after delivering the Gidbinn. Now he will forever stand in the same spot. So watch it!
Maltatai: Aren't you supposed to be heroes or something. Trapping poor Ormus in the maze of his own lousy ai, that's not nice.
Snövit: Ah, He'll be released as soon as I start a new gaming session. So you better start with me in act IV.
Rödluvan: No! Do not yield to such appaling extortion!
Maltatai: I am not. But it is actually Snövits turn to start first. The next episode will be about the smoking fires of hell itself where the now 31 levels old protagonists must face the first really dangerous boss so far, Mr flaming-spells-and-lightning-breath-across-the-whole-room. Over and out.
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Episode 8. Big D
Maltatai: Coming back from the fiery Act IV, we are thrilled to hear of the latest adventures of Rödluvan and Snövit. Who would like to start?
Rödluvan and Snövit: "Cry"
Maltatai: What's wrong?
Rödluvan: Telash died.
Snövit: Kasim too.
Maltatai: I'm sorry to hear that. I take it that they fell at the end of the act? Normal Diablo is just hopeless when it comes to saving mercenaries, unless you are very lucky.
Snövit: It's so damn frustrating! I was able to stay hidden and snipe him from afar with guided and magic arrows and ran away to keep Kasim safe. I got him down to less than a quarter and THEN, right after I get back from town, Kasim heads straight from the town portal towards Diablo and is slain in a frame. Booooo!
I had found this excellent spot across a moat and could send arrow after arrow flying at the red scumbag. The guided arrows were a big disappointment - they are more like misguided arrows. The only redeeming quality is that they can get stuck in walls, which is a little fun.
The journey to Diablo was uneventful and slow. Frozen and magic arrows work well against the demons and others here, although they have lots of hitpoints. They also look good together with my blue valkyrie. Venom lords were especially slow to go down. I managed to shoot some of them from afar
Now this blessing is without doubt the most beautiful one, but I fail to see the point of resisting cold in the middle of a river of lava...
Maltatai: Rödluvan, how was your trip through the burning hells?
Rödluvan: I started with realising how utterly useless my Ral:ed hunters bow was against the fire-addicted demons. It was dark times (even for being in a place where all the ground is made up of dusty coal and black rock). I didn't know what to do. Telash was sometimes of great help against packs of demons. Eventually, I decided to take a break from archery and made a Malice flail. THAT worked wonders, and the blood had a lovely red colour!
Maltatai: Yes. It must have been very stylish...eugh...
Rödluvan: When I had resolved to having to take down Diablo by open wounds, I found the most excellent thing- An Amn rune dropped! I promptly put it in a kris along with a Tir rune. In addition, I had bought shimmering and deflecting bone shields, so my blocking and fire/cold/lightning resistance was maxed. I felt ready to tank anything to keep Telash alive. I meleed Hephasto.
I meleed demons and undead knights. In ancient days such practise was suicidal thanks to some sort of maiden, according to the old records, but now it seemed to work well. When clearing out the Chaos Sanctuary my eyes fell on a mysterious ancient shrine. It had a mystic inscription that read:
"DANGER. DO NOT TOUCH"
Maltatai: You mean you found a fire shrine!? In the middle of the Chaos Sanctuary in the River of Flame in the Burning Hells, so that makes sense sort of, now that I think of it.
Rödluvan: A reckless idea sprung to my mind as I whittled down the guardians of the seals with my flail. I talked it over with Telash who agreed to give it a try (not that one can try more times but anyway). When Diablo appeared we lured him to the shrine, and I triggered it! It was horrible. The flames went right through my shields and armour and I was badly burned, but so was Diablo, fire spelling demon or not. I tossed Telash a purple potion and drank one myself and retreated south to refill my belt. When we advanced back, Diablo cast some sort of spell as I attempted to go around him to draw fire off Telash. I do not know what it was but Telash died before I could even grab a potion to give him.
Maltatai: The extra damage to hirelings just sucks. It's unbalanced and lame.
Rödluvan: When Telash died in an instant I became furious. I charged the great redneck and stabbed him time and again which caused crushing blows to his health. His life melted away along with his confidence, for I had positioned my valkyrie behind him. She did attack using both spear and feet and thereby, Diablo had his behind kicked by a level one valkyrie, which was most humiliating for him.
After an epic fight the slime fell, cursing his roten luck and clenching his fists in anguish. I danced over his corpse and desecrated it in honour of Telash.
Maltatai: You...triggered a fire shrine while battling the lord of terror and then meleed him to death?
Rödluvan: I threw some exploding arrows in to complement the open wounds, but it was not very effective, so basically yes.
Maltatai: That's pretty cool, I think. Badass Amazon tactics. You have bested Diablo on /players8, not bad of you.
Snövit: Who the hell cares!? Kasim is gone and I have failed.
Rödluvan: If this is a victory it is as hollow as the greater mummies of the Halls of the Dead.
Maltatai: When someone dies in the world of Sanctuary, their souls regularly end up in hell. What do you think happens when someone dies in hell?
Snövit: What do you mean?
Maltatai: You may have a couple of capricious condottieri, or lonely landsknechts waiting for you in Harrogath. Over and out.
Rödluvan and Snövit: "Cry"
Maltatai: What's wrong?
Rödluvan: Telash died.
Snövit: Kasim too.
Maltatai: I'm sorry to hear that. I take it that they fell at the end of the act? Normal Diablo is just hopeless when it comes to saving mercenaries, unless you are very lucky.
Snövit: It's so damn frustrating! I was able to stay hidden and snipe him from afar with guided and magic arrows and ran away to keep Kasim safe. I got him down to less than a quarter and THEN, right after I get back from town, Kasim heads straight from the town portal towards Diablo and is slain in a frame. Booooo!
I had found this excellent spot across a moat and could send arrow after arrow flying at the red scumbag. The guided arrows were a big disappointment - they are more like misguided arrows. The only redeeming quality is that they can get stuck in walls, which is a little fun.
The journey to Diablo was uneventful and slow. Frozen and magic arrows work well against the demons and others here, although they have lots of hitpoints. They also look good together with my blue valkyrie. Venom lords were especially slow to go down. I managed to shoot some of them from afar
Now this blessing is without doubt the most beautiful one, but I fail to see the point of resisting cold in the middle of a river of lava...
Maltatai: Rödluvan, how was your trip through the burning hells?
Rödluvan: I started with realising how utterly useless my Ral:ed hunters bow was against the fire-addicted demons. It was dark times (even for being in a place where all the ground is made up of dusty coal and black rock). I didn't know what to do. Telash was sometimes of great help against packs of demons. Eventually, I decided to take a break from archery and made a Malice flail. THAT worked wonders, and the blood had a lovely red colour!
Maltatai: Yes. It must have been very stylish...eugh...
Rödluvan: When I had resolved to having to take down Diablo by open wounds, I found the most excellent thing- An Amn rune dropped! I promptly put it in a kris along with a Tir rune. In addition, I had bought shimmering and deflecting bone shields, so my blocking and fire/cold/lightning resistance was maxed. I felt ready to tank anything to keep Telash alive. I meleed Hephasto.
I meleed demons and undead knights. In ancient days such practise was suicidal thanks to some sort of maiden, according to the old records, but now it seemed to work well. When clearing out the Chaos Sanctuary my eyes fell on a mysterious ancient shrine. It had a mystic inscription that read:
"DANGER. DO NOT TOUCH"
Maltatai: You mean you found a fire shrine!? In the middle of the Chaos Sanctuary in the River of Flame in the Burning Hells, so that makes sense sort of, now that I think of it.
Rödluvan: A reckless idea sprung to my mind as I whittled down the guardians of the seals with my flail. I talked it over with Telash who agreed to give it a try (not that one can try more times but anyway). When Diablo appeared we lured him to the shrine, and I triggered it! It was horrible. The flames went right through my shields and armour and I was badly burned, but so was Diablo, fire spelling demon or not. I tossed Telash a purple potion and drank one myself and retreated south to refill my belt. When we advanced back, Diablo cast some sort of spell as I attempted to go around him to draw fire off Telash. I do not know what it was but Telash died before I could even grab a potion to give him.
Maltatai: The extra damage to hirelings just sucks. It's unbalanced and lame.
Rödluvan: When Telash died in an instant I became furious. I charged the great redneck and stabbed him time and again which caused crushing blows to his health. His life melted away along with his confidence, for I had positioned my valkyrie behind him. She did attack using both spear and feet and thereby, Diablo had his behind kicked by a level one valkyrie, which was most humiliating for him.
After an epic fight the slime fell, cursing his roten luck and clenching his fists in anguish. I danced over his corpse and desecrated it in honour of Telash.
Maltatai: You...triggered a fire shrine while battling the lord of terror and then meleed him to death?
Rödluvan: I threw some exploding arrows in to complement the open wounds, but it was not very effective, so basically yes.
Maltatai: That's pretty cool, I think. Badass Amazon tactics. You have bested Diablo on /players8, not bad of you.
Snövit: Who the hell cares!? Kasim is gone and I have failed.
Rödluvan: If this is a victory it is as hollow as the greater mummies of the Halls of the Dead.
Maltatai: When someone dies in the world of Sanctuary, their souls regularly end up in hell. What do you think happens when someone dies in hell?
Snövit: What do you mean?
Maltatai: You may have a couple of capricious condottieri, or lonely landsknechts waiting for you in Harrogath. Over and out.
Last edited:
@LozHinge the Unhinged :
Gillsing:
Enjoying this
Makes me nostalgic for the days of my Gumby Balboa adventures, although your stories and dialogue are far more entertaining
Gillsing:
Episode 9. Lord of Normal
Maltatai: Now rise, thread, the time has come to assume your true form!
Rödluvan: What is all the commotion about? What! Maltatai! Where have YOU been?
Snövit: You just disappeared and all went black. We were trapped in a dark oblivion! And I bet I saw Cthulu as well on one occasion. The monster had some kind of obese racoon on his back.
Maltatai: My computer was hit by some sort of power overload or power surge or something like that. If I had ever made a lightning amazon I could have asked her about the correct term. Eternal damnation on the careless energy company here whose pathetic grid can not stop such fluctuations! The hard drive was damaged and could not be used again so I had to transfer you to a new one with the help of a friend. It took some time. And then I have been buried alive in masses of school work. Boooo!!!
Snövit: You dare to tell me that my magnificent adventures and thrilling escapades were disrupted like this because of some LAME and SILLY mundane writing of dull texts?!
Maltatai: Yes. I am very sorry.
Rödluvan: Not nearly as sorry as the demons responsible for our imprisonment will be. Trapped in eternal darkness for MONTHS!
Snövit: Who shall I shoot? There will be no escape from guided arrows!
Rödluvan: Who shall I burn?
Maltatai: Gratitude. Later I found this old wand lying on the ground and it turned out to be a
Rödluvan: "Gratitude"? That's an odd way of expressing yourself. Almost archaic to the point of bordering the comical. Have you perhaps been watching Spartacus: Blood and Sex?
Snövit: It's Spartacus: Blood and Sand.
Rödluvan: In name only. I was speaking of the content, which is easily summed up.
Maltatai: Hehe, you have a point there. But a show can nevertheless be quite entertaining. The archaic outbursts of profanity and eloquent cursing referring to body parts of various gods are also quite entertaining.
Rödluvan: Pfef! I cannot understand how anyone can find such an endless display of video violence entertaining.
Snövit: That's because you are a bigot hypocrite and more censoring than Akara.
Rödluvan: Shut your mouth, moron!
Snövit: Ha! I have not even watched the crap, in opposite to you who seem so knowledgeable of the lowlife show's content! Personally, I hold myself to slightly higher standards and avoid vulgar orgies of blood and killing.
Maltatai: Like Diablo II, then.
Snövit: What!?
Maltatai: Vulgar orgies of blood and killing. Is that not a rather apt description of the point and "plot" of this game?
Snövit: Of course not! This game has...has...magical talking books too! And angels!
Rödluvan: And user-interactivity and customizable character development and more influence to the player!
Maltatai: Rödluvan, I never thought I would hear you utter such presumably foul marketing cliches. As a matter of fact, did I mention that the ex-slaves in the show form a collective community apparently based on quite high solidarity with each other?
Rödluvan: Huh? Collective? Solidarity?
Maltatai: And that the show seems to be a commercial success and involves lots of gold and treasure?
Snövit: Hmm? Commercial success?
Maltatai: Not to mention that in the latest season there emerges a veritable amazon trained in the use of the bow watching over the protagonist as he heads straight into obvious ambushes just like the hirelings, while another girl makes considerable improvement when practising dodge and critical strike skills when fencing?
Snövit and Rödluvan: There are BOWAZONS in the show?!
Maltatai: But you were neither interested in endless displays of video violence nor in vulgar orgies of blood and killing so I shall not dwell on the unpleasant subject any longer... Why are you coughing and clearing your throats like that? Is it something with the air? Rödluvan, could you please tell about the exciting journey through the barbarian lands?
Rödluvan: Well, after arriving at Harrogath I knew never to trust angelic transportation services again. I dropped out of the air right in Malah's cauldron, but thankfully before the old witch had begun cooking anything. After having my bruised back healed I limped out to look around. This is really a small town, it's just a tiny village. And there are no places for archers to shoot from. No wonder Baal's forces were about to storm the place. The smith in town was the most rude I've met, expecting me to have to prove myself to him just because I happened to stumble into the town. I tell you, if that Shenk had not been in my way I would have left him untouched just out of spite! Qual-Kehk was better, treating me like one of the team.
I even met Telash again! Evidently he was sent here by Tyrael who did not want to admit him entry into heaven. It was some old misunderstanding regarding that girl Natalya in Kurast and not being married. That was also the reason Telash was banished from the town guard of Kurast and forced to work for strangers like me. Telash assured me it was a very trivial and minor thing not worth mentioning.
We shot our way slooowly through the heaps of demons leading to Shenk. The life of the guys was tremendous! It was as if some evil force had turned them eight times stronger than they should have been!
Maltatai: "Whistles"
Rödluvan: When Shenk died there was some malfunction that caused all his catapults (those that I had previously destroyed...) to target the spot, but they did only damage the enemies. Very strange.
Continuing through the frozen and cold November-like lands I struggled with my insufficient little edge bow. It certainly made me feel on edge. Insufficient, silly thing. I had better luck with charms. I found one particularly charming that increased both fire resistance and life. Both red things and highly vital for success and theme. To my horror, I also found out about Baal's evil attempt to infiltrate and undermine the communal, red amazon unions by painting his demon bosses red! Ha! Ever that weasel Baal! I promptly disposed of the taskmaster in disguise.
Maltatai: Snövit, how was your beginning of the act?
Snövit: Kasim waited for me at the town gate! He was instructing Qal-Kehk in how to form a phalanx formation. I, for one, stuck to the theme and rules and played as a BOWAZON and not some little wannabe-daggermancer with a bone shield. I found a rare razor bow with good speed but little damage, but it allowed me to shoot my free magic arrows at a good pace. The frozen ones were not especially effective but they kept Kasim safe when he got mobbed. I had trouble with the mana and could not really rely on my special arrows as a main source of damage.
Rödluvan: No wonder, since your arrows and theme are crap.
Snövit: Go back and play with your little campfire!
Maltatai: Now, now, please don't bash each others brains out until the end of the chapter. There was some issue with a nihilist fellow I heard?
Snövit: Nihilist?
Rödluvan: It's Nihlatak, not Nihilist. But maybe he is a nihilist, I don't know. The way he blows up corpses one could think he doesn't want anything left - that he wants a world with nothing in it and believes in nothing. Yes, Nihlatak was some kind of elder guy who mainly smirked and insulted newcomers. He was rather pale too. Maybe his last name is Malfoy?
Nihlatak had stolen some holy relic that would make it possible to pass through the ancient summit unchallenged. I don't know why someone would leave such a totally vital and decisive thing in the hands of Nihlatak or lying around or able to be stolen. I mean, every player immediately grasps that Nihlatak is the potential traitor since he is so impolite.
Snövit: He likes to clean up dead bodies - I think he was the undertaker in Harrogath as an extra job apart from being an elder - which I helped him with. He was not very pleased with that. Apparently there was something wrong with the bodies melting instead of shattering in a gory splash of intestines. Perhaps he was having trouble with leaky drains and moisture in his cellar apartment?
Rödluvan: If we should try to at least make an impression of telling things in proper order; I had first rescued Anya, a polite but not so smart girl. She was sitting in the middle of an ice cube with nothing but a skirt and top. Not so healthy.
Maltatai: Comes from the girl who runs around in a quilted armour swimsuit with metal plates directly on her bare legs and arms... You don't think she could have been trapped by an evil freezing curse?
Rödluvan: No way, all the monsters would have eaten her as an icy snack if they thought they should be hostile to her. Anyway, I got a bottle of super-hot chocolate from Malah which thawed her. Sadly, she drank it all and left none for me. I know she was cold, but she could have asked if I wanted some. I could have lighted a warm fire with my arrows in return. Then Anya just left in a portal and didn't even say goodbye, not to mention ask if I wanted to come with her.
Snövit: She was the same towards me, as shocking as it may sound. I wonder if she was training in order to play the lich king in WC III? Sitting on a piece of ice and not bothering with normal politeness sounds like a lich king.
Rödluvan: We bow to your expertise.
Snövit: What? Why, thank you.
Rödluvan: Someone so cold and devoid of human feelings such as yourself must surely know what liches are like. Hahahaha!
Snövit: You foul, slimy, oozing epithet-not –allowed- by-the-forum-rules!
Rödluvan: Comes from the queen of stinking, scummy things-that-will-make-Thyiad-go-nuts herself!
Anya sent me to hunt Nihlatak and then I had to go through many icy caves to fight the ancients. The ancients are a group of three old immortal men who spend their time complaining about all younger generations and their apparent shortcomings and practise warfare. The Arreat summit is more like the Arreat retirement home! It was my pleasure to slaughter those insulting old fossils!
The hardest of them was Talic. For some reason he is almost always the hardest. He has ared armour with oversized plates and big horns on his helmet. Wait a second... Talic is a warrior of Khorne, the blood god! It all makes sense now! I stabbed him a lot with my strengthy kris (I'm queen stabbity, stab stab, kill kill), but he didn't mind. He just smiled and grunted "blood for the blood god, skulls for the skull throne" It's a shame the ancients didn't drop any loot for I would sorely have wanted to get that stylish armour.
My valkyrie has no sense of style and fashion.
Blood for the blood god!
Snövit: I think he was more of an environmental or hunting guy than a slayer of Khorne. Or maybe a green little man from Mars. He could have been a Harry Potter fan too. I base these assumptions on his shield, which featured a deer, and was very deer to him. Hahaha!
Maltatai: "deep sigh"
Rödluvan: That was the lamest joke I've ever heard!
Snövit: Invent a new one yourself then. After the ancients had shared some of their presumed life experience with me I shot my way through the worldstone keep. Baal eventually greeted me standing on a little throne. He has really no grasp of strategy! He sent his last reserves at me one wave at a time! If he had sent them all at once it could have been troublesome, but now it only took time. It was my pleasure to melt all the minions of the shaman and unraveller pack! The hydras were hard, though. I had to watch Kasim all the time. After clearing his minions, I teleported down through the portal and battled with the lord of destruction himself. The smug narcissist snob even cloned himself on some occasions! I mean, how far can you sink?
Rödluvan: His amount of hit points was almost unbelievable. It was as if every blow, even crushing ones, barely scratched him!
Curse you, Baal! Yes, good work valkyrie! Have I mentioned that your leg look particularly good in that armour?
Snövit: If they came from you, no wonder. Weakling!
Rödluvan: Yes, why don't you feel for yourself how weak they are? Just come a little closer...
Eventually Baal fell! However, it was not before Telash had succumbed to his vile magic
Snövit: Not even Kasim made it. Baal was to a great extent constructed of those robot jellyfishes from the Matrix films. When he died the remaining ones fled and flew away.
Maltatai: Is the world saved now, thanks to the honourable sacrifices of the underpaid underlings?
Rödluvan: No. "sigh". After (why after, why was he unable to enter when a lowly human could?) Baal was finished, Tyrael the arch-fool appeared. He explained that the worldstone had been corrupted and would soon spill out hellish influence over the world. The only way to stop it was to destroy it. And to destroy it he had to throw hi sword into it.
Maltatai: Doesn't sound too hard...
Snövit: Exactly! And the celestial presence kneeled to focus his mind and cause some lightning effects to aid in the games advertising campaigns. Then he rose and hurled his blade with a mighty swing...into the bottomless chasm...
Rödluvan: How can you miss a freaking WORLD STONE?! How incompetent are angels allowed to be? Then the world seemed to shake, and the worldstone started to melt. It's essence turned into mist that flew out of the room and covered the world with it's presence. The magic caused everything I had accomplished to be undone and reverted! All the unionising for nothing!
Snövit: No market shares left! Only my one employee who thankfully also reverted to past state - that is, alive. Now, everyone's memory is wiped out and it is as if all those thing have never happened. We are back at the rogue camp and everything is as before the story started, except worse! I have caught some kind of flu or other illness that turned my resistance down to less than half! Kasim has been infected too!
Rödluvan: And the monsters are many times stronger than last time! They are obviously strengthened by the corrupted worldstones power. Only good thing is that our items and experience is unaltered. This is like a damn NIGHTMARE!
Maltatai: Something that is also different will be the player setting. From now on it will all be on /players1.
Snövit: What the (next difficulty level)!!! Did you cause all those monsters to be that strong?!
Rödluvan: Time for strikes and blockades!!! Strike him!!! Blockade the exits!!!
Maltatai: Yaaaaaah! Think of all the great experiences you have had that you would otherwise have missed! Over and out!
Rödluvan: What is all the commotion about? What! Maltatai! Where have YOU been?
Snövit: You just disappeared and all went black. We were trapped in a dark oblivion! And I bet I saw Cthulu as well on one occasion. The monster had some kind of obese racoon on his back.
Maltatai: My computer was hit by some sort of power overload or power surge or something like that. If I had ever made a lightning amazon I could have asked her about the correct term. Eternal damnation on the careless energy company here whose pathetic grid can not stop such fluctuations! The hard drive was damaged and could not be used again so I had to transfer you to a new one with the help of a friend. It took some time. And then I have been buried alive in masses of school work. Boooo!!!
Snövit: You dare to tell me that my magnificent adventures and thrilling escapades were disrupted like this because of some LAME and SILLY mundane writing of dull texts?!
Maltatai: Yes. I am very sorry.
Rödluvan: Not nearly as sorry as the demons responsible for our imprisonment will be. Trapped in eternal darkness for MONTHS!
Snövit: Who shall I shoot? There will be no escape from guided arrows!
Rödluvan: Who shall I burn?
Maltatai: Gratitude. Later I found this old wand lying on the ground and it turned out to be a
Mephisto inspired me to say some cool commanding spells and incantations as I wielded it.
Rödluvan: "Gratitude"? That's an odd way of expressing yourself. Almost archaic to the point of bordering the comical. Have you perhaps been watching Spartacus: Blood and Sex?
Snövit: It's Spartacus: Blood and Sand.
Rödluvan: In name only. I was speaking of the content, which is easily summed up.
Maltatai: Hehe, you have a point there. But a show can nevertheless be quite entertaining. The archaic outbursts of profanity and eloquent cursing referring to body parts of various gods are also quite entertaining.
Rödluvan: Pfef! I cannot understand how anyone can find such an endless display of video violence entertaining.
Snövit: That's because you are a bigot hypocrite and more censoring than Akara.
Rödluvan: Shut your mouth, moron!
Snövit: Ha! I have not even watched the crap, in opposite to you who seem so knowledgeable of the lowlife show's content! Personally, I hold myself to slightly higher standards and avoid vulgar orgies of blood and killing.
Maltatai: Like Diablo II, then.
Snövit: What!?
Maltatai: Vulgar orgies of blood and killing. Is that not a rather apt description of the point and "plot" of this game?
Snövit: Of course not! This game has...has...magical talking books too! And angels!
Rödluvan: And user-interactivity and customizable character development and more influence to the player!
Maltatai: Rödluvan, I never thought I would hear you utter such presumably foul marketing cliches. As a matter of fact, did I mention that the ex-slaves in the show form a collective community apparently based on quite high solidarity with each other?
Rödluvan: Huh? Collective? Solidarity?
Maltatai: And that the show seems to be a commercial success and involves lots of gold and treasure?
Snövit: Hmm? Commercial success?
Maltatai: Not to mention that in the latest season there emerges a veritable amazon trained in the use of the bow watching over the protagonist as he heads straight into obvious ambushes just like the hirelings, while another girl makes considerable improvement when practising dodge and critical strike skills when fencing?
Snövit and Rödluvan: There are BOWAZONS in the show?!
Maltatai: But you were neither interested in endless displays of video violence nor in vulgar orgies of blood and killing so I shall not dwell on the unpleasant subject any longer... Why are you coughing and clearing your throats like that? Is it something with the air? Rödluvan, could you please tell about the exciting journey through the barbarian lands?
Rödluvan: Well, after arriving at Harrogath I knew never to trust angelic transportation services again. I dropped out of the air right in Malah's cauldron, but thankfully before the old witch had begun cooking anything. After having my bruised back healed I limped out to look around. This is really a small town, it's just a tiny village. And there are no places for archers to shoot from. No wonder Baal's forces were about to storm the place. The smith in town was the most rude I've met, expecting me to have to prove myself to him just because I happened to stumble into the town. I tell you, if that Shenk had not been in my way I would have left him untouched just out of spite! Qual-Kehk was better, treating me like one of the team.
I even met Telash again! Evidently he was sent here by Tyrael who did not want to admit him entry into heaven. It was some old misunderstanding regarding that girl Natalya in Kurast and not being married. That was also the reason Telash was banished from the town guard of Kurast and forced to work for strangers like me. Telash assured me it was a very trivial and minor thing not worth mentioning.
We shot our way slooowly through the heaps of demons leading to Shenk. The life of the guys was tremendous! It was as if some evil force had turned them eight times stronger than they should have been!
Maltatai: "Whistles"
Rödluvan: When Shenk died there was some malfunction that caused all his catapults (those that I had previously destroyed...) to target the spot, but they did only damage the enemies. Very strange.
Continuing through the frozen and cold November-like lands I struggled with my insufficient little edge bow. It certainly made me feel on edge. Insufficient, silly thing. I had better luck with charms. I found one particularly charming that increased both fire resistance and life. Both red things and highly vital for success and theme. To my horror, I also found out about Baal's evil attempt to infiltrate and undermine the communal, red amazon unions by painting his demon bosses red! Ha! Ever that weasel Baal! I promptly disposed of the taskmaster in disguise.
Maltatai: Snövit, how was your beginning of the act?
Snövit: Kasim waited for me at the town gate! He was instructing Qal-Kehk in how to form a phalanx formation. I, for one, stuck to the theme and rules and played as a BOWAZON and not some little wannabe-daggermancer with a bone shield. I found a rare razor bow with good speed but little damage, but it allowed me to shoot my free magic arrows at a good pace. The frozen ones were not especially effective but they kept Kasim safe when he got mobbed. I had trouble with the mana and could not really rely on my special arrows as a main source of damage.
Rödluvan: No wonder, since your arrows and theme are crap.
Snövit: Go back and play with your little campfire!
Maltatai: Now, now, please don't bash each others brains out until the end of the chapter. There was some issue with a nihilist fellow I heard?
Snövit: Nihilist?
Rödluvan: It's Nihlatak, not Nihilist. But maybe he is a nihilist, I don't know. The way he blows up corpses one could think he doesn't want anything left - that he wants a world with nothing in it and believes in nothing. Yes, Nihlatak was some kind of elder guy who mainly smirked and insulted newcomers. He was rather pale too. Maybe his last name is Malfoy?
Nihlatak had stolen some holy relic that would make it possible to pass through the ancient summit unchallenged. I don't know why someone would leave such a totally vital and decisive thing in the hands of Nihlatak or lying around or able to be stolen. I mean, every player immediately grasps that Nihlatak is the potential traitor since he is so impolite.
Snövit: He likes to clean up dead bodies - I think he was the undertaker in Harrogath as an extra job apart from being an elder - which I helped him with. He was not very pleased with that. Apparently there was something wrong with the bodies melting instead of shattering in a gory splash of intestines. Perhaps he was having trouble with leaky drains and moisture in his cellar apartment?
Rödluvan: If we should try to at least make an impression of telling things in proper order; I had first rescued Anya, a polite but not so smart girl. She was sitting in the middle of an ice cube with nothing but a skirt and top. Not so healthy.
Maltatai: Comes from the girl who runs around in a quilted armour swimsuit with metal plates directly on her bare legs and arms... You don't think she could have been trapped by an evil freezing curse?
Rödluvan: No way, all the monsters would have eaten her as an icy snack if they thought they should be hostile to her. Anyway, I got a bottle of super-hot chocolate from Malah which thawed her. Sadly, she drank it all and left none for me. I know she was cold, but she could have asked if I wanted some. I could have lighted a warm fire with my arrows in return. Then Anya just left in a portal and didn't even say goodbye, not to mention ask if I wanted to come with her.
Snövit: She was the same towards me, as shocking as it may sound. I wonder if she was training in order to play the lich king in WC III? Sitting on a piece of ice and not bothering with normal politeness sounds like a lich king.
Rödluvan: We bow to your expertise.
Snövit: What? Why, thank you.
Rödluvan: Someone so cold and devoid of human feelings such as yourself must surely know what liches are like. Hahahaha!
Snövit: You foul, slimy, oozing epithet-not –allowed- by-the-forum-rules!
Rödluvan: Comes from the queen of stinking, scummy things-that-will-make-Thyiad-go-nuts herself!
Anya sent me to hunt Nihlatak and then I had to go through many icy caves to fight the ancients. The ancients are a group of three old immortal men who spend their time complaining about all younger generations and their apparent shortcomings and practise warfare. The Arreat summit is more like the Arreat retirement home! It was my pleasure to slaughter those insulting old fossils!
The hardest of them was Talic. For some reason he is almost always the hardest. He has ared armour with oversized plates and big horns on his helmet. Wait a second... Talic is a warrior of Khorne, the blood god! It all makes sense now! I stabbed him a lot with my strengthy kris (I'm queen stabbity, stab stab, kill kill), but he didn't mind. He just smiled and grunted "blood for the blood god, skulls for the skull throne" It's a shame the ancients didn't drop any loot for I would sorely have wanted to get that stylish armour.
My valkyrie has no sense of style and fashion.
Blood for the blood god!
Snövit: I think he was more of an environmental or hunting guy than a slayer of Khorne. Or maybe a green little man from Mars. He could have been a Harry Potter fan too. I base these assumptions on his shield, which featured a deer, and was very deer to him. Hahaha!
Maltatai: "deep sigh"
Rödluvan: That was the lamest joke I've ever heard!
Snövit: Invent a new one yourself then. After the ancients had shared some of their presumed life experience with me I shot my way through the worldstone keep. Baal eventually greeted me standing on a little throne. He has really no grasp of strategy! He sent his last reserves at me one wave at a time! If he had sent them all at once it could have been troublesome, but now it only took time. It was my pleasure to melt all the minions of the shaman and unraveller pack! The hydras were hard, though. I had to watch Kasim all the time. After clearing his minions, I teleported down through the portal and battled with the lord of destruction himself. The smug narcissist snob even cloned himself on some occasions! I mean, how far can you sink?
Rödluvan: His amount of hit points was almost unbelievable. It was as if every blow, even crushing ones, barely scratched him!
Curse you, Baal! Yes, good work valkyrie! Have I mentioned that your leg look particularly good in that armour?
Snövit: If they came from you, no wonder. Weakling!
Rödluvan: Yes, why don't you feel for yourself how weak they are? Just come a little closer...
Eventually Baal fell! However, it was not before Telash had succumbed to his vile magic
Snövit: Not even Kasim made it. Baal was to a great extent constructed of those robot jellyfishes from the Matrix films. When he died the remaining ones fled and flew away.
Maltatai: Is the world saved now, thanks to the honourable sacrifices of the underpaid underlings?
Rödluvan: No. "sigh". After (why after, why was he unable to enter when a lowly human could?) Baal was finished, Tyrael the arch-fool appeared. He explained that the worldstone had been corrupted and would soon spill out hellish influence over the world. The only way to stop it was to destroy it. And to destroy it he had to throw hi sword into it.
Maltatai: Doesn't sound too hard...
Snövit: Exactly! And the celestial presence kneeled to focus his mind and cause some lightning effects to aid in the games advertising campaigns. Then he rose and hurled his blade with a mighty swing...into the bottomless chasm...
Rödluvan: How can you miss a freaking WORLD STONE?! How incompetent are angels allowed to be? Then the world seemed to shake, and the worldstone started to melt. It's essence turned into mist that flew out of the room and covered the world with it's presence. The magic caused everything I had accomplished to be undone and reverted! All the unionising for nothing!
Snövit: No market shares left! Only my one employee who thankfully also reverted to past state - that is, alive. Now, everyone's memory is wiped out and it is as if all those thing have never happened. We are back at the rogue camp and everything is as before the story started, except worse! I have caught some kind of flu or other illness that turned my resistance down to less than half! Kasim has been infected too!
Rödluvan: And the monsters are many times stronger than last time! They are obviously strengthened by the corrupted worldstones power. Only good thing is that our items and experience is unaltered. This is like a damn NIGHTMARE!
Maltatai: Something that is also different will be the player setting. From now on it will all be on /players1.
Snövit: What the (next difficulty level)!!! Did you cause all those monsters to be that strong?!
Rödluvan: Time for strikes and blockades!!! Strike him!!! Blockade the exits!!!
Maltatai: Yaaaaaah! Think of all the great experiences you have had that you would otherwise have missed! Over and out!
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Episode 10. Andy's Nightmare
Maltatai: Hello Rödluvan and Snövit. How fare you in the nightmarish nightmare?
Snövit: Ahh, excellent! All is well and we have found peace. But mine is more tasteful than hers, which is SOOO last year.
Maltatai: Excuse me? Found peace in this violent game? Have you taken up some apparently immensely powerful kind of meditation?
Rödluvan: No, Snövit is just inept at explaining even the simplest things. We have raided the tower of the countess and found the runes for the "Peace" runeword. Now level 15 valkyries roam the land, invincible against everything except the venomous Andy.
Maltatai: That sounds relaxed.
Snövit: Are you kidding? Finally, no more overgrown /players8 monsters! And no silly ice creatures that never melt! Instead, lots of fallen ones and their shamans, hehehehe...
Maltatai: Good, good. You must have a lot of free time now then. Have you spent it well?
Rödluvan: Quite well. We have been watching every movie and tv-show centred on old-fashioned battles and fantastic monsters!
Maltatai: Well spent, yes... Has anyone had the time for some questing now and then?
Rödluvan: Of course. I have finished the entire act 1 without much difficulty. Enlightening and taxations has been brought to the western kingdoms and Andy is beaten, AGAIN. The valkyrie really makes things convenient. And she dresses very well too. An exceptionally sound choice of colour!
Snövit: Booo! Objection! The valkyrie is one confused girl! One day she is all blue and proper but the next she drops all sense of sensibility and goes all red!
Maltatai: Perhaps you could let your minions have some freedom of expression and choose the armour they like?
Rödluvan: Don't be ridiculous!
Snövit: That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Maltatai: Evidently not... I believe there was some time since you elaborated on your tactics and skills. How do you play nowadays?
Snövit: I rely on magic arrows for damage and have them maxed. Frozen ones are used for shattering corpses and stopping approaching foes. I have also built up fairly powerful guided arrows to hunt bosses with. They are expensive but can be useful out in the open field like in the first half of the act.
Rödluvan: I have had to redistribute my skill points thanks to that nagging, double-crossing, eavesdropping HAG of something that shames the Amazon community with her very existence!
Snövit: I still won.
Maltatai: OK, what is this?
Rödluvan: Snövit the slimy started to pester me about how inner sight is a white skill graphically, which should mean that only she is allowed to use it! Greedy, GHEEDY, moron! After some days of quarrelling we decided to let Kashya, Akara and Flavie arbitrate and they ruled in favour of Snövit with Flavie objecting. Since I am a woman of honour I reset the skills and went for maximum firepower instead. I will max penetrate instead of inner sight to strafe and melee with. But I will soon call for another arbitration regarding the skill slow missiles, which is rather RED and therefore Snövit should not be allowed to use it!
Maltatai: First and FOREMOST, it is I who is supposed to arbitrate here! And I rule that first, slow missiles is red-ish when cast but also creates glittering white lights on the monsters so you are both connected to it. Second, your themes do not decide what skills you may use, only what skills you may MAX. That is why Rödluvan is entitled to use magic arrow as much as she likes, for example, even if they will never be as strong and decisive as Snövit's arrows.
Snövit: WHAT!?
Rödluvan: HAHA! Na nana na naana! Na nana na naana!
Maltatai: You two are just impossible! Over and out.
Snövit: Ahh, excellent! All is well and we have found peace. But mine is more tasteful than hers, which is SOOO last year.
Maltatai: Excuse me? Found peace in this violent game? Have you taken up some apparently immensely powerful kind of meditation?
Rödluvan: No, Snövit is just inept at explaining even the simplest things. We have raided the tower of the countess and found the runes for the "Peace" runeword. Now level 15 valkyries roam the land, invincible against everything except the venomous Andy.
Maltatai: That sounds relaxed.
Snövit: Are you kidding? Finally, no more overgrown /players8 monsters! And no silly ice creatures that never melt! Instead, lots of fallen ones and their shamans, hehehehe...
Maltatai: Good, good. You must have a lot of free time now then. Have you spent it well?
Rödluvan: Quite well. We have been watching every movie and tv-show centred on old-fashioned battles and fantastic monsters!
Maltatai: Well spent, yes... Has anyone had the time for some questing now and then?
Rödluvan: Of course. I have finished the entire act 1 without much difficulty. Enlightening and taxations has been brought to the western kingdoms and Andy is beaten, AGAIN. The valkyrie really makes things convenient. And she dresses very well too. An exceptionally sound choice of colour!
Snövit: Booo! Objection! The valkyrie is one confused girl! One day she is all blue and proper but the next she drops all sense of sensibility and goes all red!
Maltatai: Perhaps you could let your minions have some freedom of expression and choose the armour they like?
Rödluvan: Don't be ridiculous!
Snövit: That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Maltatai: Evidently not... I believe there was some time since you elaborated on your tactics and skills. How do you play nowadays?
Snövit: I rely on magic arrows for damage and have them maxed. Frozen ones are used for shattering corpses and stopping approaching foes. I have also built up fairly powerful guided arrows to hunt bosses with. They are expensive but can be useful out in the open field like in the first half of the act.
Rödluvan: I have had to redistribute my skill points thanks to that nagging, double-crossing, eavesdropping HAG of something that shames the Amazon community with her very existence!
Snövit: I still won.
Maltatai: OK, what is this?
Rödluvan: Snövit the slimy started to pester me about how inner sight is a white skill graphically, which should mean that only she is allowed to use it! Greedy, GHEEDY, moron! After some days of quarrelling we decided to let Kashya, Akara and Flavie arbitrate and they ruled in favour of Snövit with Flavie objecting. Since I am a woman of honour I reset the skills and went for maximum firepower instead. I will max penetrate instead of inner sight to strafe and melee with. But I will soon call for another arbitration regarding the skill slow missiles, which is rather RED and therefore Snövit should not be allowed to use it!
Maltatai: First and FOREMOST, it is I who is supposed to arbitrate here! And I rule that first, slow missiles is red-ish when cast but also creates glittering white lights on the monsters so you are both connected to it. Second, your themes do not decide what skills you may use, only what skills you may MAX. That is why Rödluvan is entitled to use magic arrow as much as she likes, for example, even if they will never be as strong and decisive as Snövit's arrows.
Snövit: WHAT!?
Rödluvan: HAHA! Na nana na naana! Na nana na naana!
Maltatai: You two are just impossible! Over and out.
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Episode 11. Hot Desert Episode
Maltatai: The scorching desert sun greets the lonely wanderers as they climb the last hill. Gasping for fresh air in the exhausting heat they drag themselves towards the saving grace of the city, the shining jewel Lut Gholein, with the great sea beyond...
Snövit: And perhaps it was the warm desert wind or the sound of the ocean, but for the whole silly introduction, I slept.
Röduvan: And what was that nonsense about lone wanderers? We were not lonely. We trekked with Warrivs caravan. Besides, it is a contradiction in terms because if there are wanderers then they are more than one and not lonely.
Maltatai: Allright, allright! Forgive me so much for trying to create a resemblance of drama here. Since everyone knows what will happen story-wise somebody has to come up with a little entertainment. But I suppose you did not even feel the heat?
Rödluvan: It didn't bother me too much with my high fire resistance, and Telash has his maxed since long. Even Kasim has, despite his unhealthy association with the blue hag.
Snövit: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Ouch!
Maltatai: What's the matter?
Snövit: Too much sun for my fair, snow-white skin. Noble ladies such as I prefer the shade of a comfortable garden to the dusty streets and plains. Those are better left for the unsophisticated lower classes.
Rödluvan: How dare you! I will tell Kasim you said that!
Snövit: Be my guest. Kasim just quit his employment so I don't think you will make much impression on my corporation by slandering along with him.
Rödluvan: Appalling!
Snövit: No, appealing. Kasim and I had a bit of a...disagreement about what aura would be the most suitable. I advocated holy freeze to cool down after all this sun and fit my theme but he was, well, defiantly holding on to defiance. So I terminated the contract and hired someone much wiser and with better taste. Someone tired of the unreliable socialistic power-hungry, self-serving, corrupt moron next to me.
Rödluvan: What treachery is this?
Snövit: And now she thinks she is Zeratul.
Maltatai: I am sure you will tell us the name of your new hireling before our retirement...
Snövit: Waheed! Hahahahaha!
Rödluvan: What! Has my old mercenary defected and also succumbed to the twisted influence of the blue auras? APPALLING!
Maltatai: Well, I guess it suits your theme better than defiance, although you are very defiant too. Something tells me we better get to the questing report quickly before the entire Sin War starts to look like a skirmish compared to the Amazon conflict here...right, what have you done so far?
Snövit: Is that supposed to be funny? We are doing the exact same as before, cleaning up sewers...
Rödluvan: Your specialty.
Snövit: ...shut up, and looking for a staff and amulet that some old confused dudes left in a slimy maggot hole and in a temple with dark magic serpent-monsters. To keep them...safe?
Maltatai: Yes, I believe that is the explanation that is given. Horadric staves are split in two parts and they are in turn hidden. But obviously not too well.
Rödluvan: They worry more about their own rogue sorcerers than the legions of the prime evils. Such a thing would never occur had I been in charge! I would have inspired some team spirit and comradeship!
Maltatai: Whatever. Have I heard that before or what? So, tell me more about the questing. There must be some memorable moments.
Rödluvan: Me first! Hahahaha! Everything in order to beat Snövit in any possible way!
Snövit: Be my guest. As everyone knows, the most noble and honourable guests arrive last. The rabble and mob can start. Just go ahead.
Rödluvan: What a pathetic excuse for your embarrassing tardiness. I have blown beetles apart like porcelain dolls in a theme park. But not the cute beetles in the town of course. Sadly, they don't seem to remember meeting me in their earlier lives. What a shame. Again, the burning dead are apparently not above the scummiest of deceptions. They are "red", just like the noble and proud community comrades the Red Hoods.
Maltatai: Technically speaking, they do everything for the first time since they are spawned for the first time in nightmare, or actually spawned anew each playing session.
Rödluvan: Oh, go and inspect your quills and vulture demon feathers or whatever you scribes do! Now you are just talking nonsense again. "Gaming session", pff! Like this was just a game! Laughable! We are most serious and dedicated Amazons, I'll have you know!
Maltatai: Of course. Go on, o galactic superhero and world saviour number one.
Rödluvan: Hmpf! Well, we now come to the funniest part of the report... Wherein I triumph over Snövit in such an owning manner that the community will roll on the floor laughing at her when they read this.
Snövit: I don't like the sound of this...
Rödluvan: One of the unofficial goals for both of us is to collect the runes for the "Melody" runeword, the Ko rune being the troublemaker.
Maltatai: Ko means cow in Swedish.
Rödluvan:...
Maltatai: Just thought I would mention it. It's pretty funny actually, with the cow level and random cows scattered across the Act 1 wilderness. Sol means sun and Eld means fire, also. Tal means speech. Mal is a fish and a kind of moth. El is a shorter version of the Swedish words for electricity and electric. Tir is an old war god (can also be spelled Tyr). Gul means yellow - a yellow rune, hahaha.
Rödluvan: This is not a language lesson! Shut up or ZOD OFF!
Maltatai: Not to mention Sur, which is Swedish for sour. A sour rune... allright, allright, don't become like the rune, I won't interrupt anymore.
Rödluvan: Good. Now keep Ith shut or I won't be so Cham-ing anymore. I Shael tell you about a most amazing find in the forgotten tower (I think) where I was raiding for runes to compose a melody of my own.
Snövit: Um, Ohm, what has happened to your language? No! Mine as well! Change the subject until we are all corrupted by the Runish power!
Rödluvan: Nef-er! I SHAEL tell and brag about my triumph! On the dark floor there suddenly lay a golden Arbalest, shining in the darkness. I haz da Langer Briser! I actually found a blue light crossbow for Snövit, the second-hand, crude selection for the unsophisticated mob, you know, like her.
Snövit: Grumble... Langer Briser...Pus Spitter would suit your personality more! That is what you are!
Maltatai: I wish I had the runes for "Silence". Then the one not talking could equip it and there would be no more of this pointless bickering.
Rödluvan: There is more! I have a suit of rusted armour for you two, Snövit. We of the Red Hoods can spare some used and outdated items for the poor fellows like you pale Ice Maidens. What do you think? You may not get much sun, but then it may still be a little warm in the desert with this on. Maybe even warm enough to make you thaw a little, you frigid ice heart.
Snövit: OH! You wanna talk spoils of war, baby!?
Maltatai: What now?
Snövit: I give thee...DA LOOT!
Rödluvan: OK, thanks. I will take it all from here. Do you know where I can hire a mule to carry it all?
Snövit: "Give thee" as in a pompous and boasting presentation, not literally! Go home and work for your equipment, like the ring of social security leech, for you will get none of mine!
Maltatai: Manners! Impressive catch, Snövit, but most of the items seem not so relevant to you. They are more like...trophies.
Snövit: To the inattentive and uneducated layman, perhaps, but that is totally wrong. The epic Woestave will, together with Cleglaws gloves, give me a fearsome amount of slowing, and also Prevent Monster Heal. Muahahaha!
Maltatai: Amazon with Woestave and Cleglaws Pincers. And dependant on Peace to get a good valkyrie. Where have I heard this before?
Snövit: Oh, drop it. Just because Livexia was first doesn't give her the sole right to use the stuff. Furthermore, Twitchthroe is great for poking mercenaries like Waheed. Aldurs jagged star may be useful for its lightning damage. And yeah, we did some questing and stuff too. I melted the skellies and annoyed the greater mummies beyond belief. Holy freeze is a great aura. My guided arrows have become quite cheaper and more effective since last time. They certainly owned the summoner and his minions.
When I reached the signs I could not believe my eyes. Someone had stolen the real signs and replaced them with total crap nonsense.
Maltatai: Like what?
Snövit: It is hardly worth mentioning.
Rödluvan: They read: Snövit is better suited for gutting fish than shooting monsters, Snövit is made of rotten cheese, Snövit drinks fermented apple juice for breakfast, Snövit has a brain of lard and a ridiculous haircut, Snövit can't hit a balrog five metres away.
Snövit: IT WAS YOU!
Rödluvan: Hihihihihahahaha! (smiley with red cheeks is of course Rödluvan)
Maltatai: As silly as always. Why am I really surprised? Rödluvan, how was your continued questing?
Rödluvan: Very wholesome and healthy. Despite my fire resistance the desert was quite exhausting. One really has to take any opportunity to stretch properly when travelling and shooting through this wasteland. Tankfully, and thankfully, my trusted and PROPERLY DRESSED valkyrie tanks so well that I can do some stretching in the middle of a battle.
Snövit: I bet your fire resistance is just profound sweating. The smell must be unbearable for Telash. By the way, I find it highly irresponsible of you to stretch in the middle of a combat situation. Where is your precious solidarity with your comrades now? And your valkyries armour is sooo last Act.
Maltatai: Isn't there a lot of nagging about that valkyrie armour. Give it a rest, both of you.
Rödluvan: And my fire resistance is quite real. That was proved when I, hrm, had a little incident with a sorceress staff I found.
Maltatai: Yes?
Rödluvan: It's really not worth mentioning. It was loaded with some enchant charges and I thought I would try it out, to get a cool red colour.
Maltatai: Of course, aesthetics before Everything...
Rödluvan: But with the enormous heat here it went a little bit out of hand. But it was only temporary. I quickly ran back through the town portal to neutralise the theoretical, purely theoretical, danger of setting the town on fire.
Snövit: You idiot! Marauder! Villain!
Rödluvan: It was never any real danger! Besides, you should keep your mouth shut because the way you have been confused and absent-minded these latest days you could have covered the town in freezing and misguided arrows by mistake any minute. It's a miracle we are still alive!
Snövit: Oh, go and jump into the sewers or something. I'm perfectly focused.
Rödluvan: Only on Meshif.
Maltatai: What is this about?
Snövit: Oh, grow up! I simply thinks he's kinda nice.
Rödluvan: And you are hopelessly devoted to your crush on him...
Snövit: I hadn't really talked to Meshif before finishing Duriel but then we met when I was going to ask him to take me on a trip out to Kurast.
Maltatai: In other words, asking him out? Technically speaking.
Snövit: Maybe you could say that. I was like all nervous cause he's so good looking with his sea captain swaggering style and all that. But he was really nice and complimented my archery skills and all!
Maltatai: Oh, the archetypical mysterious sea captain. How classic. What happened to your freezing arrow?
Snövit: What? Oh, that one? Umm, hm, I, er, found it very hard to be cold to any one when talking to Meshif, especially him, so I sort of "reconfigured" my freezing arrows to a more romantic heart-warming type.
Rödluvan: Pfffffhahahahaha!
Maltatai: Ehm, not wanting to sound disrespectful, but won't that "charming arrow" have an area of effect if it is based on freezing arrows? Maybe guided arrow would have been better to start from. What if it affects everyone around, like Waheed, Telash and your valkyries? Or even Rödluvan, hehehehe. No, no arrow or spell would the amount of power required to make you two come to terms with each other... Anyway, I think you should try to get to know Meshif a bit more before you overreact too much. Something tells me he talks that way to every Amazon he meets.
Rödluvan: That's actually true. He's a real player. Just like Maltatai. It certainly takes one to know one.
Maltatai: OK, I may be a "player" but not in that way! I'm a very honest gentleman I assure you.
Snövit: Besides, I'm sure you're wrong! He was just polite when talking to you, I am sure. But to me he really put his heart and soul into those words.
Maltatai: If you say so. Enjoy your trip and watch out for mutinous first mates and krakens. Over and out.
Snövit: And perhaps it was the warm desert wind or the sound of the ocean, but for the whole silly introduction, I slept.
Röduvan: And what was that nonsense about lone wanderers? We were not lonely. We trekked with Warrivs caravan. Besides, it is a contradiction in terms because if there are wanderers then they are more than one and not lonely.
Maltatai: Allright, allright! Forgive me so much for trying to create a resemblance of drama here. Since everyone knows what will happen story-wise somebody has to come up with a little entertainment. But I suppose you did not even feel the heat?
Rödluvan: It didn't bother me too much with my high fire resistance, and Telash has his maxed since long. Even Kasim has, despite his unhealthy association with the blue hag.
Snövit: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Ouch!
Maltatai: What's the matter?
Snövit: Too much sun for my fair, snow-white skin. Noble ladies such as I prefer the shade of a comfortable garden to the dusty streets and plains. Those are better left for the unsophisticated lower classes.
Rödluvan: How dare you! I will tell Kasim you said that!
Snövit: Be my guest. Kasim just quit his employment so I don't think you will make much impression on my corporation by slandering along with him.
Rödluvan: Appalling!
Snövit: No, appealing. Kasim and I had a bit of a...disagreement about what aura would be the most suitable. I advocated holy freeze to cool down after all this sun and fit my theme but he was, well, defiantly holding on to defiance. So I terminated the contract and hired someone much wiser and with better taste. Someone tired of the unreliable socialistic power-hungry, self-serving, corrupt moron next to me.
Rödluvan: What treachery is this?
Snövit: And now she thinks she is Zeratul.
Maltatai: I am sure you will tell us the name of your new hireling before our retirement...
Snövit: Waheed! Hahahahaha!
Rödluvan: What! Has my old mercenary defected and also succumbed to the twisted influence of the blue auras? APPALLING!
Maltatai: Well, I guess it suits your theme better than defiance, although you are very defiant too. Something tells me we better get to the questing report quickly before the entire Sin War starts to look like a skirmish compared to the Amazon conflict here...right, what have you done so far?
Snövit: Is that supposed to be funny? We are doing the exact same as before, cleaning up sewers...
Rödluvan: Your specialty.
Snövit: ...shut up, and looking for a staff and amulet that some old confused dudes left in a slimy maggot hole and in a temple with dark magic serpent-monsters. To keep them...safe?
Maltatai: Yes, I believe that is the explanation that is given. Horadric staves are split in two parts and they are in turn hidden. But obviously not too well.
Rödluvan: They worry more about their own rogue sorcerers than the legions of the prime evils. Such a thing would never occur had I been in charge! I would have inspired some team spirit and comradeship!
Maltatai: Whatever. Have I heard that before or what? So, tell me more about the questing. There must be some memorable moments.
Rödluvan: Me first! Hahahaha! Everything in order to beat Snövit in any possible way!
Snövit: Be my guest. As everyone knows, the most noble and honourable guests arrive last. The rabble and mob can start. Just go ahead.
Rödluvan: What a pathetic excuse for your embarrassing tardiness. I have blown beetles apart like porcelain dolls in a theme park. But not the cute beetles in the town of course. Sadly, they don't seem to remember meeting me in their earlier lives. What a shame. Again, the burning dead are apparently not above the scummiest of deceptions. They are "red", just like the noble and proud community comrades the Red Hoods.
Maltatai: Technically speaking, they do everything for the first time since they are spawned for the first time in nightmare, or actually spawned anew each playing session.
Rödluvan: Oh, go and inspect your quills and vulture demon feathers or whatever you scribes do! Now you are just talking nonsense again. "Gaming session", pff! Like this was just a game! Laughable! We are most serious and dedicated Amazons, I'll have you know!
Maltatai: Of course. Go on, o galactic superhero and world saviour number one.
Rödluvan: Hmpf! Well, we now come to the funniest part of the report... Wherein I triumph over Snövit in such an owning manner that the community will roll on the floor laughing at her when they read this.
Snövit: I don't like the sound of this...
Rödluvan: One of the unofficial goals for both of us is to collect the runes for the "Melody" runeword, the Ko rune being the troublemaker.
Maltatai: Ko means cow in Swedish.
Rödluvan:...
Maltatai: Just thought I would mention it. It's pretty funny actually, with the cow level and random cows scattered across the Act 1 wilderness. Sol means sun and Eld means fire, also. Tal means speech. Mal is a fish and a kind of moth. El is a shorter version of the Swedish words for electricity and electric. Tir is an old war god (can also be spelled Tyr). Gul means yellow - a yellow rune, hahaha.
Rödluvan: This is not a language lesson! Shut up or ZOD OFF!
Maltatai: Not to mention Sur, which is Swedish for sour. A sour rune... allright, allright, don't become like the rune, I won't interrupt anymore.
Rödluvan: Good. Now keep Ith shut or I won't be so Cham-ing anymore. I Shael tell you about a most amazing find in the forgotten tower (I think) where I was raiding for runes to compose a melody of my own.
Snövit: Um, Ohm, what has happened to your language? No! Mine as well! Change the subject until we are all corrupted by the Runish power!
Rödluvan: Nef-er! I SHAEL tell and brag about my triumph! On the dark floor there suddenly lay a golden Arbalest, shining in the darkness. I haz da Langer Briser! I actually found a blue light crossbow for Snövit, the second-hand, crude selection for the unsophisticated mob, you know, like her.
Snövit: Grumble... Langer Briser...Pus Spitter would suit your personality more! That is what you are!
Maltatai: I wish I had the runes for "Silence". Then the one not talking could equip it and there would be no more of this pointless bickering.
Rödluvan: There is more! I have a suit of rusted armour for you two, Snövit. We of the Red Hoods can spare some used and outdated items for the poor fellows like you pale Ice Maidens. What do you think? You may not get much sun, but then it may still be a little warm in the desert with this on. Maybe even warm enough to make you thaw a little, you frigid ice heart.
Snövit: OH! You wanna talk spoils of war, baby!?
Maltatai: What now?
Snövit: I give thee...DA LOOT!
Rödluvan: OK, thanks. I will take it all from here. Do you know where I can hire a mule to carry it all?
Snövit: "Give thee" as in a pompous and boasting presentation, not literally! Go home and work for your equipment, like the ring of social security leech, for you will get none of mine!
Maltatai: Manners! Impressive catch, Snövit, but most of the items seem not so relevant to you. They are more like...trophies.
Snövit: To the inattentive and uneducated layman, perhaps, but that is totally wrong. The epic Woestave will, together with Cleglaws gloves, give me a fearsome amount of slowing, and also Prevent Monster Heal. Muahahaha!
Maltatai: Amazon with Woestave and Cleglaws Pincers. And dependant on Peace to get a good valkyrie. Where have I heard this before?
Snövit: Oh, drop it. Just because Livexia was first doesn't give her the sole right to use the stuff. Furthermore, Twitchthroe is great for poking mercenaries like Waheed. Aldurs jagged star may be useful for its lightning damage. And yeah, we did some questing and stuff too. I melted the skellies and annoyed the greater mummies beyond belief. Holy freeze is a great aura. My guided arrows have become quite cheaper and more effective since last time. They certainly owned the summoner and his minions.
When I reached the signs I could not believe my eyes. Someone had stolen the real signs and replaced them with total crap nonsense.
Maltatai: Like what?
Snövit: It is hardly worth mentioning.
Rödluvan: They read: Snövit is better suited for gutting fish than shooting monsters, Snövit is made of rotten cheese, Snövit drinks fermented apple juice for breakfast, Snövit has a brain of lard and a ridiculous haircut, Snövit can't hit a balrog five metres away.
Snövit: IT WAS YOU!
Rödluvan: Hihihihihahahaha!
(smiley with red cheeks is of course Rödluvan)Maltatai: As silly as always. Why am I really surprised? Rödluvan, how was your continued questing?
Rödluvan: Very wholesome and healthy. Despite my fire resistance the desert was quite exhausting. One really has to take any opportunity to stretch properly when travelling and shooting through this wasteland. Tankfully, and thankfully, my trusted and PROPERLY DRESSED valkyrie tanks so well that I can do some stretching in the middle of a battle.
Snövit: I bet your fire resistance is just profound sweating. The smell must be unbearable for Telash. By the way, I find it highly irresponsible of you to stretch in the middle of a combat situation. Where is your precious solidarity with your comrades now? And your valkyries armour is sooo last Act.
Maltatai: Isn't there a lot of nagging about that valkyrie armour. Give it a rest, both of you.
Rödluvan: And my fire resistance is quite real. That was proved when I, hrm, had a little incident with a sorceress staff I found.
Maltatai: Yes?
Rödluvan: It's really not worth mentioning. It was loaded with some enchant charges and I thought I would try it out, to get a cool red colour.
Maltatai: Of course, aesthetics before Everything...
Rödluvan: But with the enormous heat here it went a little bit out of hand. But it was only temporary. I quickly ran back through the town portal to neutralise the theoretical, purely theoretical, danger of setting the town on fire.
Snövit: You idiot! Marauder! Villain!
Rödluvan: It was never any real danger! Besides, you should keep your mouth shut because the way you have been confused and absent-minded these latest days you could have covered the town in freezing and misguided arrows by mistake any minute. It's a miracle we are still alive!
Snövit: Oh, go and jump into the sewers or something. I'm perfectly focused.
Rödluvan: Only on Meshif.
Maltatai: What is this about?
Snövit: Oh, grow up! I simply thinks he's kinda nice.
Rödluvan: And you are hopelessly devoted to your crush on him...
Snövit: I hadn't really talked to Meshif before finishing Duriel but then we met when I was going to ask him to take me on a trip out to Kurast.
Maltatai: In other words, asking him out? Technically speaking.
Snövit: Maybe you could say that. I was like all nervous cause he's so good looking with his sea captain swaggering style and all that. But he was really nice and complimented my archery skills and all!
Maltatai: Oh, the archetypical mysterious sea captain. How classic. What happened to your freezing arrow?
Snövit: What? Oh, that one? Umm, hm, I, er, found it very hard to be cold to any one when talking to Meshif, especially him, so I sort of "reconfigured" my freezing arrows to a more romantic heart-warming type.
Rödluvan: Pfffffhahahahaha!
Maltatai: Ehm, not wanting to sound disrespectful, but won't that "charming arrow" have an area of effect if it is based on freezing arrows? Maybe guided arrow would have been better to start from. What if it affects everyone around, like Waheed, Telash and your valkyries? Or even Rödluvan, hehehehe. No, no arrow or spell would the amount of power required to make you two come to terms with each other... Anyway, I think you should try to get to know Meshif a bit more before you overreact too much. Something tells me he talks that way to every Amazon he meets.
Rödluvan: That's actually true. He's a real player. Just like Maltatai. It certainly takes one to know one.
Maltatai: OK, I may be a "player" but not in that way! I'm a very honest gentleman I assure you.
Snövit: Besides, I'm sure you're wrong! He was just polite when talking to you, I am sure. But to me he really put his heart and soul into those words.
Maltatai: If you say so. Enjoy your trip and watch out for mutinous first mates and krakens. Over and out.
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