Grand Tour, pt. 7
- Thread starter Stony
- Start date
I was dreading coming to work this morning, due to all the problems with my current projects. When I got in, I read my email and saw a Grand Tour update. For the first time this week, I was eager to read my email.
Not saying that you are a life saver Stony, but your stories certainly are a shot in the arm.
Thanks.
Not saying that you are a life saver Stony, but your stories certainly are a shot in the arm.
Thanks.
Ravenforce3
New member
One question: Where are they going to find a judge? Are they going to go all the way to Kingsport for the trial or are they going to wait until Lut Gholein?
strijdje said:
You are learning, grasshopper.
jiansonz said:
Anyone who's seen an Amazon in a breastplate knows another use for the phrase "Golden Chest of Joy." I heard one of the characters in the Dungeons and Dragons movie was wearing a Breasts-plate like that, but confirming it would mean watching the Dungeons and Dragons movie.
And, I'm glad these stories are helping to brighten everyone's days. That's why I'm doing it.
Stony
cloudstride
Banned
Hey, who wouldn't be curious about an Amazon in a breastsplate? 
Anyhoo...
The next morning, no matter how hard she looked, Bodiccea couldn't find Gheed, either inside the camp or out. He wasn't under his wagon, in a tree, behind the woodpile, in any of the tents, or anywhere. Annoyed, she resolved to hurt him very badly when he showed his slimy face again and went to the waypoint. Waypoints are a kludge, but a convenient one. Sure beats having to scamper through all those areas after they've repopulated. Saving a level empty might be more realistic, but running back to where you stopped would take an awfully long time, and the file size would be ridiculous. Besides, how could you do item runs if Meph stays dead?
Half of the Dark Wood was left, so Bodiccea and Heather went back to the old routine, criss-crossing back and forth to make sure they cleared it completely. Near the obligatory burning house (shouldn't they go out after a while?) they ran into their only serious fight, a unique Carver Shaman with teleportation. When he did his thing, it sounded almost exactly like a fat guy farting. Bodiccea stopped chasing him a couple of times because she got the giggles, but eventually she pulled herself together and killed him.
"Hi, Charsi." Bodiccea dropped her almost-splintered spear on the table. "It's me again."
"Oh, hi! Don't worry, it's ok. Good thing this isn't enchanted, or this'd take a lot longer. All that's in there is the gems."
"I always knew I was high-maintenance." Bodiccea grinned, then laughed. "Gawd, that Shaman sounded silly. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard!"
Heather nodded. "Yeah, well, I guess we kind of took the wind out of his sails."
"Or deflated his ego," Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, wait! This one time, I was on duty, and this guy was coming on to me? I could not believe it, he actually tried 'Is it hot in here, or is it just you?' on me."
"Ew," Heather said.
"Seriously, I could not buh-LEEVE anybody'd try that! That is SO LAME! Anyway, I was about to whack him in the nuts, when he farted."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"And he just keeps talking, ok? He keeps smiling and trying to act like it didn't happen!"
"He was probably too embarrassed..."
"Heather, guys don't get embarrassed. They just keep talking and hope you forget about it, like we're stupid or something. Anyway, he was talking, and I was holding my nose, which he ignored, when one of the priestesses came in. She just kind of looked around, you know, then said, "Guard, there is a dead animal in here somewhere. Find it and throw it out."
"What'd you do?"
Bodiccea grinned. "I threw him out. He didn't come back, either."
A slight frown creasing her brow, Heather nodded. "Um, ok." After a moment's thought, she said, "I hope he was all right."
Bodiccea sighed. "He was fine, I only beat him up a little. Heather, you gotta stop being so nice. Guys'll walk all over you like this."
"I dunno..."
"Excuse me?" Charsi said, and handed Bodiccea's spear back. "That's fixed about as good as I can get it. Are you sure you don't want to buy a trident? They're stronger, and Gheed has plenty for sale."
Bodiccea made a face. "Gheed is... uh, tridents are too slow."
"Gheed isn't here, you mean? Yeah! I wonder what happened to him?"
"For once," Heather said, "it wasn't her."
"Hey!" Bodiccea said.
Heather bowed her head, mostly to hide the smirk she couldn't quite keep off her face, and said, "You said I should stop being nice to everybody."
"I didn't mean to me!" Bodiccea glared, then laughed. "I'm sorry, have I let my inner b!tch out a little too often?"
A snerk of laughter choked out of Heather, and she muttered "inner?" to Charsi. Charsi smiled, and said, "You are kind of mean to Gheed. I don't know why, I think he's funny."
"That's just my inner b!tch. You know how some people claim to have inner strength, or inner sight, or an inner voice? I don't believe in any of that. I do believe that every woman, every single one, has within her an inner b!tch. Like right there: whatever Heather just said to you, I know that she has finally found her inner b!tch."
"It wasn't that bad," Heather murmured.
"Then you need to let her out more, girl!" Bodiccea grinned. "Our inner b!tches give us strength. Like this other time I was in temple, and this old lady in rags came up to me. She asked me, 'Please, may I have a bit of money to buy a crust of bread?' I reached into my purse and gave her a copper, and said, 'There you go. Goddess bless you!'"
"That sounds all right," Charsi said, frowning in confusion.
"Yeah," Heather agreed.
"Sure, but my inner b!tch was saying, '********, lady! You're going to get a bowl of narlant and smoke yourself blind instead of dealing with your problems, aren't you?' At the same time, I could hear her inner b!tch saying, 'One damned copper? You useless ****, what the hell am I supposed to buy with this?' She smiled at me, and I smiled at her, and we shared a beautiful inner b!tch moment together."
Charsi blinked. "Oh." Heather looked stunned.
"The part of you deep inside that says 'Ok, cut the crap,' that's your inner b!tch! The day you decide your middle name is not 'welcome', you have found your inner b!tch! We need our inner b!tches! Without them, men will run right over us and take over everything."
"The old lady was a man?" Charsi blurted out.
"No! I meant men or women who are b!tches. Whatever. My point is, you shouldn't be nice to everybody."
Heather smirked. "I guess that's why you don't try."
"Heather!" Bodiccea laughed. "I am in touch with my inner b!tch. I like her, and she's good for me. My inner b!tch is reaching out to your inner b!tch, but your inner b!tch is being such a b!tch my inner b!tch may have to slap her around a bit if she's not careful."
Charsi laughed a little. "Where's the inner child fit in?"
"My inner b!tch isn't a child anymore. We like boys too much."
"Is Kashya in touch with her inner b!tch?" Heather asked.
"Kashya IS her inner b!tch. Either that or they're touching each other so much you could make money charging people to watch."
Heather giggled, glancing over her shoulder. "I don't think you could charge people to watch Kashya being a b-i-t-c-h."
Bodiccea nodded. "Yeah, the market's kind of flooded."
By now, Charsi was blushing to her blonde roots again, trying unsuccessfully to suppress her laughter. "I shouldn't be laughing at this..."
"That's just your inner b!tch, trying to get out! You just need to let her. Hey, I've got to get going, there's demons to kill. Were you going to ask me about the Horadric Malus?"
"Oh, yeah! That's the one really valuable tool I have. I had to leave it when we all fled the monastery. If you could get it back for me, that would be wonderful. I'll use to imbue an item of your choice with magical powers."
"Thanks. I just wish it was a little more reliable."
"Yeah, I can't predict what it will do. But it'll be good!"
"Not in this patch, it won't. Anyhoo, see you soon!"
There were Blood Hawks in the Dark Wood, and exactly one Blood Hawk nest. They just kept pouring out of it like clowns out of a car, only smellier. After killing a unique Rogue archer (who had an Ocher Ring of Thawing, very nice for this level) they made it up into the Tamoe Highlands. Before Bodiccea had a chance to ask where the name "Tamoe" came from, they found another one of those eternally-burning houses and were soon chasing Carvers and Devilkin all over the place. As usual, the little fartknockers liked fleeing towards other monsters, like Thorn Beasts and Dark Stalkers. Many of the rogues were corrupt enough to have horns... making them horny naked demon babes. Bodiccea gritted her teeth, reminded herself that it still wasn't as bad as in a lot of other games, and fought on.
In addition to stuff under rocks, there were a lot of chests out on the highlands. Maybe it was supposed to be luggage dropped while fleeing the monastery. One of them had Diggler's Dirk inside, prompting Bodiccea to wonder out loud why some nice Rogue archer would keep THAT in her nightstand. Much giggling ensued. Heather said she thought she knew who used to have it. Then, there was a corral -- and no sign cattle had ever been there. It had to be for the Bovine invasion force, but Bodiccea didn't tell Heather. That much of the awful truth would have to wait.
Bodiccea nearly broke her spear on a fire enchanted Returned boss, and again on a cold enchanted Dark Lancer. Of course, the Lancer had a huge pack of minions and a bunch of other Rogues with her, and Bodiccea had to kill the boss last for Heather's sake. Once the area was clear, they went down into the pit, and immediately ran into a lightning enchanted Stalker. Worse yet, she only had two minions, nothing to distract Heather from shooting at her. After a very short battle, Bodiccea fled back to the highlands, and give Heather a short lecture about the joys of lightning enchanted beasties and what the Impale skill is for. Much enlightened, they went back and killed her without further mishap.
The rest of the Pit was pretty boring. There were horny Dark Archers, an extra fast Bone Warrior, and on the second level, enough Carvers to make Bodiccea want to throw up. She couldn't wait to get out of Act I and fight some different monsters for a change. There wasn't even anything good in the Golden Chest of Joy. Phooey.
The monastery was a big building, done up in a "starburst and nude lady" motif. Bodiccea had two goals in mind: the waypoint in the middle of the garden, and getting to level 17 so she could use Bloodthief. It's no Lycander's, but combined with Sigon's stuff, she'd have 22% life leech, which is just godly in Act I. It might even keep up with a lightning enchanted boss' charged bolts.
Right inside the monastery door, there was a unique Carver Shaman with a big horde of minions. That much fire hurts; Bodiccea had to drink a potion and toss one to Heather. The waypoint was in the central area of the gardens, along with Razor Spines and more exploding barrels than you could shake a stick at. Of course, Bodiccea had to poke her nose into each and every one of them, knowing all the time that this would be a really embarrassing way to die. She also discovered that Yeti know how to open doors. How civilized.
A fountain in gleaming white marble graced the center of the gardens, with three heroically sized Rogues back to back in martial poses, forever defending the clear water bubbling up from under their feet. "That's a pretty fountain," Bodiccea said.
"Oh, yeah!" Heather said. "Those are the founders of the order."
Bodiccea smirked. "Good thing you told me. I might have thought it was a monument to Sanctuary's first wet T-shirt contest."
There was a long pause before Heather turned to stare at Bodiccea. "You know... you're kind of weird."
"Nah, just uninhibited. Let's keep going, I'm really close."
Starting from the left, they cleared out the gardens. The entrance to the barracks was in the leftmost wing this time, and after killing a multishot Bone Archer, Bodiccea hit level 17 and went back to the Rogue camp. New presents were waiting by her stash: Bloodthief, some two-socketed Studded Leather, a Tal rune and an Eth rune, an Ember Brandistock of the Leech with two sockets, and two Rusty jewels, with a note:
"Congratulations! That there Brandistock has some history behind it, I'll have you know: it's the first item I ever carried. The jewels are junk, but so's the spear except for the fire damage. Might be good on ghosts. When you've made Stealth and gotten your groove-thang together, get your heiney back here. We're all waiting for you!
-- The Mule"
"Hey, we've been invited out."
"Is that normal?" Heather asked.
"Nuh-uh. Hey... you don't think this has anything to do with Gheed, do you?"
"I don't know... I mean, he doesn't know, does he? He can't know."
"Not unless he's smoked even more narlant weed than I thought." Bodiccea grinned. "This could get kind of wild."
"I thought you liked wild."
"Yeah. Let's go see what's going on."
Anyhoo...The next morning, no matter how hard she looked, Bodiccea couldn't find Gheed, either inside the camp or out. He wasn't under his wagon, in a tree, behind the woodpile, in any of the tents, or anywhere. Annoyed, she resolved to hurt him very badly when he showed his slimy face again and went to the waypoint. Waypoints are a kludge, but a convenient one. Sure beats having to scamper through all those areas after they've repopulated. Saving a level empty might be more realistic, but running back to where you stopped would take an awfully long time, and the file size would be ridiculous. Besides, how could you do item runs if Meph stays dead?
Half of the Dark Wood was left, so Bodiccea and Heather went back to the old routine, criss-crossing back and forth to make sure they cleared it completely. Near the obligatory burning house (shouldn't they go out after a while?) they ran into their only serious fight, a unique Carver Shaman with teleportation. When he did his thing, it sounded almost exactly like a fat guy farting. Bodiccea stopped chasing him a couple of times because she got the giggles, but eventually she pulled herself together and killed him.
"Hi, Charsi." Bodiccea dropped her almost-splintered spear on the table. "It's me again."
"Oh, hi! Don't worry, it's ok. Good thing this isn't enchanted, or this'd take a lot longer. All that's in there is the gems."
"I always knew I was high-maintenance." Bodiccea grinned, then laughed. "Gawd, that Shaman sounded silly. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard!"
Heather nodded. "Yeah, well, I guess we kind of took the wind out of his sails."
"Or deflated his ego," Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, wait! This one time, I was on duty, and this guy was coming on to me? I could not believe it, he actually tried 'Is it hot in here, or is it just you?' on me."
"Ew," Heather said.
"Seriously, I could not buh-LEEVE anybody'd try that! That is SO LAME! Anyway, I was about to whack him in the nuts, when he farted."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"And he just keeps talking, ok? He keeps smiling and trying to act like it didn't happen!"
"He was probably too embarrassed..."
"Heather, guys don't get embarrassed. They just keep talking and hope you forget about it, like we're stupid or something. Anyway, he was talking, and I was holding my nose, which he ignored, when one of the priestesses came in. She just kind of looked around, you know, then said, "Guard, there is a dead animal in here somewhere. Find it and throw it out."
"What'd you do?"
Bodiccea grinned. "I threw him out. He didn't come back, either."
A slight frown creasing her brow, Heather nodded. "Um, ok." After a moment's thought, she said, "I hope he was all right."
Bodiccea sighed. "He was fine, I only beat him up a little. Heather, you gotta stop being so nice. Guys'll walk all over you like this."
"I dunno..."
"Excuse me?" Charsi said, and handed Bodiccea's spear back. "That's fixed about as good as I can get it. Are you sure you don't want to buy a trident? They're stronger, and Gheed has plenty for sale."
Bodiccea made a face. "Gheed is... uh, tridents are too slow."
"Gheed isn't here, you mean? Yeah! I wonder what happened to him?"
"For once," Heather said, "it wasn't her."
"Hey!" Bodiccea said.
Heather bowed her head, mostly to hide the smirk she couldn't quite keep off her face, and said, "You said I should stop being nice to everybody."
"I didn't mean to me!" Bodiccea glared, then laughed. "I'm sorry, have I let my inner b!tch out a little too often?"
A snerk of laughter choked out of Heather, and she muttered "inner?" to Charsi. Charsi smiled, and said, "You are kind of mean to Gheed. I don't know why, I think he's funny."
"That's just my inner b!tch. You know how some people claim to have inner strength, or inner sight, or an inner voice? I don't believe in any of that. I do believe that every woman, every single one, has within her an inner b!tch. Like right there: whatever Heather just said to you, I know that she has finally found her inner b!tch."
"It wasn't that bad," Heather murmured.
"Then you need to let her out more, girl!" Bodiccea grinned. "Our inner b!tches give us strength. Like this other time I was in temple, and this old lady in rags came up to me. She asked me, 'Please, may I have a bit of money to buy a crust of bread?' I reached into my purse and gave her a copper, and said, 'There you go. Goddess bless you!'"
"That sounds all right," Charsi said, frowning in confusion.
"Yeah," Heather agreed.
"Sure, but my inner b!tch was saying, '********, lady! You're going to get a bowl of narlant and smoke yourself blind instead of dealing with your problems, aren't you?' At the same time, I could hear her inner b!tch saying, 'One damned copper? You useless ****, what the hell am I supposed to buy with this?' She smiled at me, and I smiled at her, and we shared a beautiful inner b!tch moment together."
Charsi blinked. "Oh." Heather looked stunned.
"The part of you deep inside that says 'Ok, cut the crap,' that's your inner b!tch! The day you decide your middle name is not 'welcome', you have found your inner b!tch! We need our inner b!tches! Without them, men will run right over us and take over everything."
"The old lady was a man?" Charsi blurted out.
"No! I meant men or women who are b!tches. Whatever. My point is, you shouldn't be nice to everybody."
Heather smirked. "I guess that's why you don't try."
"Heather!" Bodiccea laughed. "I am in touch with my inner b!tch. I like her, and she's good for me. My inner b!tch is reaching out to your inner b!tch, but your inner b!tch is being such a b!tch my inner b!tch may have to slap her around a bit if she's not careful."
Charsi laughed a little. "Where's the inner child fit in?"
"My inner b!tch isn't a child anymore. We like boys too much."
"Is Kashya in touch with her inner b!tch?" Heather asked.
"Kashya IS her inner b!tch. Either that or they're touching each other so much you could make money charging people to watch."
Heather giggled, glancing over her shoulder. "I don't think you could charge people to watch Kashya being a b-i-t-c-h."
Bodiccea nodded. "Yeah, the market's kind of flooded."
By now, Charsi was blushing to her blonde roots again, trying unsuccessfully to suppress her laughter. "I shouldn't be laughing at this..."
"That's just your inner b!tch, trying to get out! You just need to let her. Hey, I've got to get going, there's demons to kill. Were you going to ask me about the Horadric Malus?"
"Oh, yeah! That's the one really valuable tool I have. I had to leave it when we all fled the monastery. If you could get it back for me, that would be wonderful. I'll use to imbue an item of your choice with magical powers."
"Thanks. I just wish it was a little more reliable."
"Yeah, I can't predict what it will do. But it'll be good!"
"Not in this patch, it won't. Anyhoo, see you soon!"
There were Blood Hawks in the Dark Wood, and exactly one Blood Hawk nest. They just kept pouring out of it like clowns out of a car, only smellier. After killing a unique Rogue archer (who had an Ocher Ring of Thawing, very nice for this level) they made it up into the Tamoe Highlands. Before Bodiccea had a chance to ask where the name "Tamoe" came from, they found another one of those eternally-burning houses and were soon chasing Carvers and Devilkin all over the place. As usual, the little fartknockers liked fleeing towards other monsters, like Thorn Beasts and Dark Stalkers. Many of the rogues were corrupt enough to have horns... making them horny naked demon babes. Bodiccea gritted her teeth, reminded herself that it still wasn't as bad as in a lot of other games, and fought on.
In addition to stuff under rocks, there were a lot of chests out on the highlands. Maybe it was supposed to be luggage dropped while fleeing the monastery. One of them had Diggler's Dirk inside, prompting Bodiccea to wonder out loud why some nice Rogue archer would keep THAT in her nightstand. Much giggling ensued. Heather said she thought she knew who used to have it. Then, there was a corral -- and no sign cattle had ever been there. It had to be for the Bovine invasion force, but Bodiccea didn't tell Heather. That much of the awful truth would have to wait.
Bodiccea nearly broke her spear on a fire enchanted Returned boss, and again on a cold enchanted Dark Lancer. Of course, the Lancer had a huge pack of minions and a bunch of other Rogues with her, and Bodiccea had to kill the boss last for Heather's sake. Once the area was clear, they went down into the pit, and immediately ran into a lightning enchanted Stalker. Worse yet, she only had two minions, nothing to distract Heather from shooting at her. After a very short battle, Bodiccea fled back to the highlands, and give Heather a short lecture about the joys of lightning enchanted beasties and what the Impale skill is for. Much enlightened, they went back and killed her without further mishap.
The rest of the Pit was pretty boring. There were horny Dark Archers, an extra fast Bone Warrior, and on the second level, enough Carvers to make Bodiccea want to throw up. She couldn't wait to get out of Act I and fight some different monsters for a change. There wasn't even anything good in the Golden Chest of Joy. Phooey.
The monastery was a big building, done up in a "starburst and nude lady" motif. Bodiccea had two goals in mind: the waypoint in the middle of the garden, and getting to level 17 so she could use Bloodthief. It's no Lycander's, but combined with Sigon's stuff, she'd have 22% life leech, which is just godly in Act I. It might even keep up with a lightning enchanted boss' charged bolts.
Right inside the monastery door, there was a unique Carver Shaman with a big horde of minions. That much fire hurts; Bodiccea had to drink a potion and toss one to Heather. The waypoint was in the central area of the gardens, along with Razor Spines and more exploding barrels than you could shake a stick at. Of course, Bodiccea had to poke her nose into each and every one of them, knowing all the time that this would be a really embarrassing way to die. She also discovered that Yeti know how to open doors. How civilized.
A fountain in gleaming white marble graced the center of the gardens, with three heroically sized Rogues back to back in martial poses, forever defending the clear water bubbling up from under their feet. "That's a pretty fountain," Bodiccea said.
"Oh, yeah!" Heather said. "Those are the founders of the order."
Bodiccea smirked. "Good thing you told me. I might have thought it was a monument to Sanctuary's first wet T-shirt contest."
There was a long pause before Heather turned to stare at Bodiccea. "You know... you're kind of weird."
"Nah, just uninhibited. Let's keep going, I'm really close."
Starting from the left, they cleared out the gardens. The entrance to the barracks was in the leftmost wing this time, and after killing a multishot Bone Archer, Bodiccea hit level 17 and went back to the Rogue camp. New presents were waiting by her stash: Bloodthief, some two-socketed Studded Leather, a Tal rune and an Eth rune, an Ember Brandistock of the Leech with two sockets, and two Rusty jewels, with a note:
"Congratulations! That there Brandistock has some history behind it, I'll have you know: it's the first item I ever carried. The jewels are junk, but so's the spear except for the fire damage. Might be good on ghosts. When you've made Stealth and gotten your groove-thang together, get your heiney back here. We're all waiting for you!
-- The Mule"
"Hey, we've been invited out."
"Is that normal?" Heather asked.
"Nuh-uh. Hey... you don't think this has anything to do with Gheed, do you?"
"I don't know... I mean, he doesn't know, does he? He can't know."
"Not unless he's smoked even more narlant weed than I thought." Bodiccea grinned. "This could get kind of wild."
"I thought you liked wild."
"Yeah. Let's go see what's going on."
jiansonz
New member
Stony said:
You´ve hit on the biggest beef I have with this game: the saving system. I preferred the D1 way with everything just as you left it (including all items on the ground). And you wouldn´t have to scamper through areas. Either you would have a waypoint in town leading right where you were, or you would already BE there if you saved out in the wild.
You are probably right about the file size, though...
I suspect they changed Diablo II's save system for two reasons:
1) To stop people from saving before taking on a tough monster, and reloading if they lost. It's easy to do, and kind of cheap.
2) Diablo I's levels were relatively small and undetailed. If Diablo II saved the same way, the files would be huge and take forever to load.
Anyway...
The place Bodiccea and Heather arrived this time was new, and at the same time strangely familiar. In appearance, it was an utterly typical roadside inn and tavern. The crackling fire and the smell of beer and hot shepherd's pie were instantly familiar, but it went beyond mere recognition of a place like hundreds of others throughout Sanctuary. Outside the door was a sign showing a rising sun. Next to it, a meek and humble-looking man stood as if waiting for customers. Inside, the floor had been cleared except for a table at the far end of the room, two tables facing it in the middle of the room, and a dozen chairs set up in two rows, looking over the space between the tables.
All kinds of people were crowded into the hall. A handsome, regal young man dressed like a sultan was seated in a place of honor at a table at the head of the room. A blob of a man dressed like a genie stood wavering next to him. At one of the other tables, Thaddeus was sitting next to Gheed, who looked very proud of himself. At the other was Amanita, with an empty chair. The twelve chairs were full of people, with Varnae at the corner nearest the sultan. Several other people were sitting and lounging by the other side of the room, drinking beer, smoking, looking smug, or more than one of the above.
"Hi," Bodiccea said. "What's up?"
"You're up," Gheed grinned, malice slathered across his face. "It's our court date. You didn't think I could set this up, did you?"
"Well, phooey! I wanted trial by combat."
Gheed grinned even wider. "We can do it that way. Of course, I get to declare one of those present my champion, if I want..."
Bodiccea glanced around, realized that more than one of the NPC's could probably kick her *** at this point, and sat down by Amanita. "Hi. Guess you're council for the defense."
"Somebody had to do it," Amanita said, never taking her feet off the table. "At least I didn't get stuck sitting next to Gheed."
"Eh, Pallys love to play martyr. Ooh, who's the judge?"
"Lord Jerhyn. He's the only one with legal experience, so he gets to be judge."
"Ooh, he's cuuute... and he's a lord, too?" Bodiccea adjusted her armor, fluffed up her cleavage, and batted her eyelashes when Jerhyn's gaze fell over the defense table.
Amanita raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Whatever. Keep doing that, maybe you can get a mistrial. You're sure not going to win on your case."
Dear Diary,
Jury duty. Could any other pair of words carry such profound connotations of tedium and idiocy? Well, perhaps 'physical exertion' or 'religious epiphany' better qualify. Regardless, our young Lordling has shown wisdom beyond his tender years by elevating me to the position of jury foreman. I realize this means he has placed the burden of responsibility for this witless assemblage's decisions squarely on my shoulders, but I cannot dispute his reasoning. I shall punish him later. The rest of the jury is as follows:
To my right: Alkor the alchemist. It assures me to know that his calm, objective, diplomatic approach to human relations will be put to use in this important matter.
To his right: Lysander the alchemist. He and Alkor should get along well. One is deaf, and the other doesn't give a damn what anyone says.
To his right: Fara the paladin. Her light-hearted, easy-going personality should assure a fair and balanced approach to this sensitive case.
To her right: Asheara the sorceress. We duped her into coming by telling her Gheed would be the one on trial. I may be wrong, but they seem to have a history together.
To her right: Xanthippe the sorceress. I do believe she wants to do even worse things to Gheed than Asheara.
Behind me: Ormus the mage. In any legal matter, clarity of expression is very important, and I know we can all rely on Ormus for that.
To his right: Greiz the mercenary captain. Gheed should be pleased Greiz is serving. Anyone repeatedly thrashed by a woman will find a sympathetic ear in him.
To her right: Jamella the... whatever it is she does. A comely enough female, though a bit of a fashion disaster and unpleasantly taciturn. I'm not sure why she was approached for this.
To her right: Halbu the armorer. A package deal with Jamella. He appears to be advertising his wares by wearing all of them at once.
To his right: Atma the tavern keeper. There is nothing like a recent, tragic, blood-curdling loss to provide clarity of judgment.
To her right: Elzix the innkeeper. Well known for his respect for the boundaries of property, this is another fellow who should feel great sympathy for what Gheed has suffered.
There were other prospective jurors, of course. The wizard Drognan is politically connected with our judge, and can not legally serve. Captain Meshif has business dealings with the plaintiff, and the werebear Mizor suffers from a speech impediment. No one from Harrogath would participate in a trial that did not promise bloodshed. Additionally, it was decided that those from the Rogue camp might be biased against the plaintiff (by virtue of having met him) and could not be invited. Finally, our Barbarian was not told of this, in the forlorn hope that his absence might bring calmness and clarity to the proceedings.
Geglash, who was apparently bailiff, was standing right next to Jerhyn with a halberd. At a nod, he rapped the butt on the floor twice, and bellowed like a bullfrog, "All hear, all hear! This first... uh..." Bodiccea had caught his eye. He stared, wavering in place, as she smiled and primped and fluttered at Jerhyn.
"Session," Jerhyn said quietly.
"This sex, um is --"
"Session," Jerhyn said, a bit more forcefully.
"This sex um is in session! Of the court! This session of this court is in session!" He looked over his shoulder at Jerhyn plaintively.
With a sigh, Jerhyn stood. "This first session of this Civil Court of Sanctuary is hereby called to order. Members of the jury: you are hereby instructed to set aside all biases and opinions concerning both the plaintiff and the accused, and concern yourselves only with what is presented here before the court."
About half the jury burst out in laughter, and there was plenty from the watching audience too. Gheed glared around the room, and slapped Thaddeus on the shoulder. "Aren't you going to object or something?"
Thaddeus never looked up from his book. "I object to the defense, not the judge."
Amanita smirked. "And I object to you, too."
Jerhyn continued, "Here we decide the case of Gheed of Westmarch vs. Bodiccea of Amazonia, on charges of --"
"What?!" Asheara shouted.
"On charges of assault, kidnapping --"
"Did he say 'salt hill tapping'?" Lysander asked.
"Kidnapping," Fara said. "Though on what grounds I know not."
"That b!tch threw me to Andarial's monsters!" Gheed whined.
"I heard about that," Elzix grinned. "Grabbed him by the goodies and threw him right over the wall."
"Heh," Greiz guffawed. "Sounds like my kind of woman."
"Did she?" Asheara smiled. "I've heard about Amazons. Good to know it's all true."
Bodiccea waved at the jury. "Hi!" Then she went back to flirting with Jerhyn.
"You know," Amanita said in a low voice, "you're lucky little Xany can't see you from this angle."
"Oh, damn. Do you think we could move the table?"
Jerhyn sighed again. "Kidnapping, assault, and assault with intent to inflict grievous bodily harm."
"There's another kind?" Greiz asked.
"Hey, she can assault me any time," Elzix opined.
"And no doubt will," Alkor spoke up for the first time. "I want nothing of her! She reminds me too much of my happily departed wife."
Meanwhile, out in the audience, Hratli said to Khaleel, "Events are proceeding predictably. Tell me, why do you think I was excluded from the jury?"
Khaleel smirked. "'Cause pasty doesn't want anybody in there who's funnier than he is."
"Quite so. I am surprised to see Alkor participating at all. No doubt he is relishing the opportunity to sit in judgment of his fellow man."
Khaleel shook his head. "Jeez, if you think she's a man, you need your eyes checked..."
Hratli smiled. "Her fate is not in doubt. His is, though he does not realize it."
"Ah..."
Jerhyn sat down again, and Geglash rapped his halberd on the floor twice. "All may be seated."
"You never asked them to stand," Jerhyn corrected him.
"Oh, everybody stand up!" After a bit of milling about, most of those present stood. "Now sit down again. Uh... next, the persecution speaks."
Varnae guffawed. "That'll be you, old boy."
Thaddeus put down his book and stepped around the prosecution's table to the center of the floor. "For my first witness, I would like to call Bodiccea to the stand."
"Meee!" Bodiccea vaulted out from behind her table and bounced over to the chair next to Jerhyn's table. "Hi," she breathed huskily, leaning over so far her breasts threatened to pop right out of her armor. "I've heard you're rich. I find that fascinating."
A hiss of indrawn breath came from the far right end of the jury. Thaddeus cleared his throat, and asked, "Bodiccea: did you or did you not break into the plaintiff's wagon and administer to him a Mongolian Prostate Probe wedgie this last Tuesday?"
"I did!" She turned back to Jerhyn. "Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to say hi again?"
Trying to ignore what sounded like a volcano about to erupt among the jury, Thaddeus continued. "And did you or did you not, without provocation, administer a Sweet Nutbreaker wedgie to the plaintiff the day before?"
"That was me! You simply must know I adore a man in a beard. It makes you look so distinguished, so... in command!"
The room started to shake. Thaddeus stepped back to the prosecution table and got his helmet. "And did you or did you not employ a 7-10 Split wedgie on the plaintiff, followed by hoisting him up a pole in front of the entire Rogue camp?"
"Yeah, already! Excuse me, I have some very important seducing to do."
"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!!!" Xanthippe screeched and jumped to her feet, casting a spell. Suddenly, the witness chair burst into flames.
"AieEEP!" Bodiccea jumped out of the chair. Then, after a moment's thought, she jumped on Jerhyn's table, her rear upwards. "My Lord Jerhyn! I've got a burn in a terribly intimate place! Could you please help me apply the ointment?"
"You're completely shameless, aren't you?" Thaddeus asked.
"Hey, it's not like any of this matters," Bodiccea laughed, before Xanthippe jumped her and they both tumbled off the table into the audience.
Thaddeus sighed, and went back to his table. "Your witness."
Amanita stared at Thaddeus. "How the hell do you know so much about wedgies?"
"I went to seminary, remember?"
After putting out her cigar, Amanita stepped to the center of the room. Xanthippe and Bodiccea were wrestling and rolling under the tables, sending chairs and NPC's flying. "No hair pulling! Fight like you mean it!"
"You don't have to get jealous just 'cause your boyfriend thinks I'm hot!"
"HE DOES NOT!! He doesn't go for peroxide-soaked, over-inflated SLUTS!!"
"I am NOT a slut! I'm just way more popular than you!"
Amanita considered her options, and said, "All right. Gheed, get on the witness stand."
Gheed crossed his arms. "Not until someone puts OUT the witness stand!"
"Oh, that's just the Enchant spell. It'll go out in a few minutes."
Among the jurors, Elzix had started a betting pool, with odds set at 2:1 in Xanthippe's favor. "I think I'll take you up on that," Lysander said, putting 10 gold in.
"No way," Asheara said, betting on Bodiccea. "Amazons are warriors. No melee sorceress has enough staying power."
"Don't you find this a little crass?" Fara asked.
"Yeah," Greiz smiled.
Atma frowned, and moved over to speak with Fara. "Lady Fara, I have a family to mourn and a tavern to run. I have no time for this foolishness. There must be some way to put an end to this."
Halbu leaned forward. "What do you need?"
"Something to put out that sorcerous fire."
"Or something to render it irrelevant." Fara quietly bowed her head, and a warm red aura appeared under her feet. Soon, everyone was surrounded by the same friendly glow.
"Hail to you, champion," Jamella said with a smile.
After persuading Gheed into the witness chair, Amanita started her interrogation. "Let's make this quick. Did you or did you not knowingly make an *** of yourself last Tuesday?"
"What kind of a question is that?" Gheed demanded. "I deny that completely!"
"Let it be known that the defendant is lying."
"The plaintiff," Thaddeus corrected her.
"Whatever. The complainer makes an *** of himself every day of the week and twice on Saturdays, so he's lying under oath."
"Perjury," Thaddeus said, not looking up from his book.
"Per jury or all of them together, he's a dirty rotten liar."
"I am not lying! And I'm not under oath! That lummox forgot to swear me in!"
Jerhyn looked at Geglash. "Bailiff, swear the plaintiff."
"Unnh? Oh, yes sir." Geglash turned to face Gheed. "Screw you and the horse you rode in on, mister."
Amanita made a face. "That sucked."
Geglash shrugged. "I'm sorry, I'm not as good at it as you."
Gheed glared over at Thaddeus. "Shouldn't you be objecting to some of this?!"
"Oh, no. I object to all of it."
"You should have objected when she put me in a headlock and forced me into this chair!"
Thaddeus shook his head, still reading. "Actually, I didn't object to that at all."
Suddenly, there was a metallic KLONG from the audience section, followed by a CRACK like metal on bone. Mizor shuffled onto the floor, hefting his maul. Quietly, he deposited an unconscious Bodiccea in her chair at the defense table, and a reeling Xanthippe in her seat in the jury section.
"Ah, that's a shame," Lysander said. "Though this just goes to show you: it's always the quiet, unassuming ones you have to watch out for."
Elzix tsked. "Well, you know what that means: the betting pool's closed."
"So give us our money back!"
Elzix threw his hands up in the air and shook his head. "Sorry, folks! The bet was which one of 'em would win! It looks like both of them lost, so there's no payouts today!"
Greiz's face darkened. "You do want to keep the body parts you have left, don't you?"
"And besides," Lysander said, quickly hobbling over to Xanthippe, "our dear little girl here is much closer to being conscious than the other one! Aren't you, my precious?"
Xanthippe was grinning. "And the lights went out all over the world..." She fell on her face with a loud thud.
After a short pause to restore order and a wakeful state to all participants, the trial resumed. Jerhyn turned to the prosecution table. "You may make your final statement."
Thaddeus nodded, and turned to address the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen, the defendant freely admits to everything she was accused of, has shown no remorse, and will doubtless resume her activities the first opportunity she has. There is no doubt that she is guilty, and a danger to this man's... to this man. Thank you."
Jerhyn nodded, and turned to Amanita. "And for the defense?"
Amanita stood up. "Why lie? She's guilty. She looks guilty. She smells guilty. Throw the book at her and let's get this over with."
Bodiccea sneered as Amanita sat down. "I do not smell."
Amanita smirked. "Maybe it's from getting manhandled by the bear."
"Thank you both. Now, let the jury convene and reach a verdict."
Alkor looked at Varnae, who had dozed off, and smacked him on the back of the head. "Wake up, pasty man! It is time for you to pretend you know what is going on."
"Hmmh?" Varnae woke with a start and looked around. "Oh, is all the inane babbling over with, then? Excellent. Members of the jury: is there any doubt as to what the proper, legal outcome of this case should be?"
"No."
"Nope."
"Indisputably not."
"Nuh-uh."
"Very well." Varnae stood up, and addressed Jerhyn. "We, the members of the jury, find the defendant... very charming."
"Aw," Bodiccea grinned.
"And guilty as sin."
Gheed's face erupted in a broad smile. "Very well," Jerhyn said. "I shall pass sentence. Bodiccea of Amazonia, you are hereby ordered by this court to pay to Gheed of Westmarch a fine of one (1) piece of gold --"
"WHAT!?" Gheed screamed.
"... and to administer to Gheed no less than one (1) Twirling Death wedgie before leaving this courtroom. Case closed."
"WAIT JUST A MINUTE HERE!!! YOU CA-AAAAHHHH!!!!"
"Round and round and round he goes!" Bodiccea said, spinning Gheed around the room by his undergarments.
Amanita re-lit her cigar. "Well, that was fun. Anyone for chinese?"
Suddenly, the door fell in with a crash, and Tearlach stepped into the room, the meek man from outside stuffed into his armpit. "Damn!! Why didn't you idiots tell me we were finally going to meet in a tavern!?! LINE 'EM UP, BARKEEP!!"
"Aw, I knew this was going too good to last." Bodiccea released Gheed, sending him crashing through the tavern's back window. "C'mon, Heather. Our job here is done."
Heather followed Bodiccea out of the tavern. "Now we go back to the monastery?"
"After we get some sleep. I'm bushed."
"Yeah. Court cases are such a trial."
Bodiccea blinked, and looked at Heather. "Did you just make a pun?"
Heather shrugged, then grinned. "Yeah!"
"Well... try to make a better one next time."
"Ok!"
1) To stop people from saving before taking on a tough monster, and reloading if they lost. It's easy to do, and kind of cheap.
2) Diablo I's levels were relatively small and undetailed. If Diablo II saved the same way, the files would be huge and take forever to load.
Anyway...
The place Bodiccea and Heather arrived this time was new, and at the same time strangely familiar. In appearance, it was an utterly typical roadside inn and tavern. The crackling fire and the smell of beer and hot shepherd's pie were instantly familiar, but it went beyond mere recognition of a place like hundreds of others throughout Sanctuary. Outside the door was a sign showing a rising sun. Next to it, a meek and humble-looking man stood as if waiting for customers. Inside, the floor had been cleared except for a table at the far end of the room, two tables facing it in the middle of the room, and a dozen chairs set up in two rows, looking over the space between the tables.
All kinds of people were crowded into the hall. A handsome, regal young man dressed like a sultan was seated in a place of honor at a table at the head of the room. A blob of a man dressed like a genie stood wavering next to him. At one of the other tables, Thaddeus was sitting next to Gheed, who looked very proud of himself. At the other was Amanita, with an empty chair. The twelve chairs were full of people, with Varnae at the corner nearest the sultan. Several other people were sitting and lounging by the other side of the room, drinking beer, smoking, looking smug, or more than one of the above.
"Hi," Bodiccea said. "What's up?"
"You're up," Gheed grinned, malice slathered across his face. "It's our court date. You didn't think I could set this up, did you?"
"Well, phooey! I wanted trial by combat."
Gheed grinned even wider. "We can do it that way. Of course, I get to declare one of those present my champion, if I want..."
Bodiccea glanced around, realized that more than one of the NPC's could probably kick her *** at this point, and sat down by Amanita. "Hi. Guess you're council for the defense."
"Somebody had to do it," Amanita said, never taking her feet off the table. "At least I didn't get stuck sitting next to Gheed."
"Eh, Pallys love to play martyr. Ooh, who's the judge?"
"Lord Jerhyn. He's the only one with legal experience, so he gets to be judge."
"Ooh, he's cuuute... and he's a lord, too?" Bodiccea adjusted her armor, fluffed up her cleavage, and batted her eyelashes when Jerhyn's gaze fell over the defense table.
Amanita raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Whatever. Keep doing that, maybe you can get a mistrial. You're sure not going to win on your case."
Dear Diary,
Jury duty. Could any other pair of words carry such profound connotations of tedium and idiocy? Well, perhaps 'physical exertion' or 'religious epiphany' better qualify. Regardless, our young Lordling has shown wisdom beyond his tender years by elevating me to the position of jury foreman. I realize this means he has placed the burden of responsibility for this witless assemblage's decisions squarely on my shoulders, but I cannot dispute his reasoning. I shall punish him later. The rest of the jury is as follows:
To my right: Alkor the alchemist. It assures me to know that his calm, objective, diplomatic approach to human relations will be put to use in this important matter.
To his right: Lysander the alchemist. He and Alkor should get along well. One is deaf, and the other doesn't give a damn what anyone says.
To his right: Fara the paladin. Her light-hearted, easy-going personality should assure a fair and balanced approach to this sensitive case.
To her right: Asheara the sorceress. We duped her into coming by telling her Gheed would be the one on trial. I may be wrong, but they seem to have a history together.
To her right: Xanthippe the sorceress. I do believe she wants to do even worse things to Gheed than Asheara.
Behind me: Ormus the mage. In any legal matter, clarity of expression is very important, and I know we can all rely on Ormus for that.
To his right: Greiz the mercenary captain. Gheed should be pleased Greiz is serving. Anyone repeatedly thrashed by a woman will find a sympathetic ear in him.
To her right: Jamella the... whatever it is she does. A comely enough female, though a bit of a fashion disaster and unpleasantly taciturn. I'm not sure why she was approached for this.
To her right: Halbu the armorer. A package deal with Jamella. He appears to be advertising his wares by wearing all of them at once.
To his right: Atma the tavern keeper. There is nothing like a recent, tragic, blood-curdling loss to provide clarity of judgment.
To her right: Elzix the innkeeper. Well known for his respect for the boundaries of property, this is another fellow who should feel great sympathy for what Gheed has suffered.
There were other prospective jurors, of course. The wizard Drognan is politically connected with our judge, and can not legally serve. Captain Meshif has business dealings with the plaintiff, and the werebear Mizor suffers from a speech impediment. No one from Harrogath would participate in a trial that did not promise bloodshed. Additionally, it was decided that those from the Rogue camp might be biased against the plaintiff (by virtue of having met him) and could not be invited. Finally, our Barbarian was not told of this, in the forlorn hope that his absence might bring calmness and clarity to the proceedings.
Geglash, who was apparently bailiff, was standing right next to Jerhyn with a halberd. At a nod, he rapped the butt on the floor twice, and bellowed like a bullfrog, "All hear, all hear! This first... uh..." Bodiccea had caught his eye. He stared, wavering in place, as she smiled and primped and fluttered at Jerhyn.
"Session," Jerhyn said quietly.
"This sex, um is --"
"Session," Jerhyn said, a bit more forcefully.
"This sex um is in session! Of the court! This session of this court is in session!" He looked over his shoulder at Jerhyn plaintively.
With a sigh, Jerhyn stood. "This first session of this Civil Court of Sanctuary is hereby called to order. Members of the jury: you are hereby instructed to set aside all biases and opinions concerning both the plaintiff and the accused, and concern yourselves only with what is presented here before the court."
About half the jury burst out in laughter, and there was plenty from the watching audience too. Gheed glared around the room, and slapped Thaddeus on the shoulder. "Aren't you going to object or something?"
Thaddeus never looked up from his book. "I object to the defense, not the judge."
Amanita smirked. "And I object to you, too."
Jerhyn continued, "Here we decide the case of Gheed of Westmarch vs. Bodiccea of Amazonia, on charges of --"
"What?!" Asheara shouted.
"On charges of assault, kidnapping --"
"Did he say 'salt hill tapping'?" Lysander asked.
"Kidnapping," Fara said. "Though on what grounds I know not."
"That b!tch threw me to Andarial's monsters!" Gheed whined.
"I heard about that," Elzix grinned. "Grabbed him by the goodies and threw him right over the wall."
"Heh," Greiz guffawed. "Sounds like my kind of woman."
"Did she?" Asheara smiled. "I've heard about Amazons. Good to know it's all true."
Bodiccea waved at the jury. "Hi!" Then she went back to flirting with Jerhyn.
"You know," Amanita said in a low voice, "you're lucky little Xany can't see you from this angle."
"Oh, damn. Do you think we could move the table?"
Jerhyn sighed again. "Kidnapping, assault, and assault with intent to inflict grievous bodily harm."
"There's another kind?" Greiz asked.
"Hey, she can assault me any time," Elzix opined.
"And no doubt will," Alkor spoke up for the first time. "I want nothing of her! She reminds me too much of my happily departed wife."
Meanwhile, out in the audience, Hratli said to Khaleel, "Events are proceeding predictably. Tell me, why do you think I was excluded from the jury?"
Khaleel smirked. "'Cause pasty doesn't want anybody in there who's funnier than he is."
"Quite so. I am surprised to see Alkor participating at all. No doubt he is relishing the opportunity to sit in judgment of his fellow man."
Khaleel shook his head. "Jeez, if you think she's a man, you need your eyes checked..."
Hratli smiled. "Her fate is not in doubt. His is, though he does not realize it."
"Ah..."
Jerhyn sat down again, and Geglash rapped his halberd on the floor twice. "All may be seated."
"You never asked them to stand," Jerhyn corrected him.
"Oh, everybody stand up!" After a bit of milling about, most of those present stood. "Now sit down again. Uh... next, the persecution speaks."
Varnae guffawed. "That'll be you, old boy."
Thaddeus put down his book and stepped around the prosecution's table to the center of the floor. "For my first witness, I would like to call Bodiccea to the stand."
"Meee!" Bodiccea vaulted out from behind her table and bounced over to the chair next to Jerhyn's table. "Hi," she breathed huskily, leaning over so far her breasts threatened to pop right out of her armor. "I've heard you're rich. I find that fascinating."
A hiss of indrawn breath came from the far right end of the jury. Thaddeus cleared his throat, and asked, "Bodiccea: did you or did you not break into the plaintiff's wagon and administer to him a Mongolian Prostate Probe wedgie this last Tuesday?"
"I did!" She turned back to Jerhyn. "Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to say hi again?"
Trying to ignore what sounded like a volcano about to erupt among the jury, Thaddeus continued. "And did you or did you not, without provocation, administer a Sweet Nutbreaker wedgie to the plaintiff the day before?"
"That was me! You simply must know I adore a man in a beard. It makes you look so distinguished, so... in command!"
The room started to shake. Thaddeus stepped back to the prosecution table and got his helmet. "And did you or did you not employ a 7-10 Split wedgie on the plaintiff, followed by hoisting him up a pole in front of the entire Rogue camp?"
"Yeah, already! Excuse me, I have some very important seducing to do."
"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!!!" Xanthippe screeched and jumped to her feet, casting a spell. Suddenly, the witness chair burst into flames.
"AieEEP!" Bodiccea jumped out of the chair. Then, after a moment's thought, she jumped on Jerhyn's table, her rear upwards. "My Lord Jerhyn! I've got a burn in a terribly intimate place! Could you please help me apply the ointment?"
"You're completely shameless, aren't you?" Thaddeus asked.
"Hey, it's not like any of this matters," Bodiccea laughed, before Xanthippe jumped her and they both tumbled off the table into the audience.
Thaddeus sighed, and went back to his table. "Your witness."
Amanita stared at Thaddeus. "How the hell do you know so much about wedgies?"
"I went to seminary, remember?"
After putting out her cigar, Amanita stepped to the center of the room. Xanthippe and Bodiccea were wrestling and rolling under the tables, sending chairs and NPC's flying. "No hair pulling! Fight like you mean it!"
"You don't have to get jealous just 'cause your boyfriend thinks I'm hot!"
"HE DOES NOT!! He doesn't go for peroxide-soaked, over-inflated SLUTS!!"
"I am NOT a slut! I'm just way more popular than you!"
Amanita considered her options, and said, "All right. Gheed, get on the witness stand."
Gheed crossed his arms. "Not until someone puts OUT the witness stand!"
"Oh, that's just the Enchant spell. It'll go out in a few minutes."
Among the jurors, Elzix had started a betting pool, with odds set at 2:1 in Xanthippe's favor. "I think I'll take you up on that," Lysander said, putting 10 gold in.
"No way," Asheara said, betting on Bodiccea. "Amazons are warriors. No melee sorceress has enough staying power."
"Don't you find this a little crass?" Fara asked.
"Yeah," Greiz smiled.
Atma frowned, and moved over to speak with Fara. "Lady Fara, I have a family to mourn and a tavern to run. I have no time for this foolishness. There must be some way to put an end to this."
Halbu leaned forward. "What do you need?"
"Something to put out that sorcerous fire."
"Or something to render it irrelevant." Fara quietly bowed her head, and a warm red aura appeared under her feet. Soon, everyone was surrounded by the same friendly glow.
"Hail to you, champion," Jamella said with a smile.
After persuading Gheed into the witness chair, Amanita started her interrogation. "Let's make this quick. Did you or did you not knowingly make an *** of yourself last Tuesday?"
"What kind of a question is that?" Gheed demanded. "I deny that completely!"
"Let it be known that the defendant is lying."
"The plaintiff," Thaddeus corrected her.
"Whatever. The complainer makes an *** of himself every day of the week and twice on Saturdays, so he's lying under oath."
"Perjury," Thaddeus said, not looking up from his book.
"Per jury or all of them together, he's a dirty rotten liar."
"I am not lying! And I'm not under oath! That lummox forgot to swear me in!"
Jerhyn looked at Geglash. "Bailiff, swear the plaintiff."
"Unnh? Oh, yes sir." Geglash turned to face Gheed. "Screw you and the horse you rode in on, mister."
Amanita made a face. "That sucked."
Geglash shrugged. "I'm sorry, I'm not as good at it as you."
Gheed glared over at Thaddeus. "Shouldn't you be objecting to some of this?!"
"Oh, no. I object to all of it."
"You should have objected when she put me in a headlock and forced me into this chair!"
Thaddeus shook his head, still reading. "Actually, I didn't object to that at all."
Suddenly, there was a metallic KLONG from the audience section, followed by a CRACK like metal on bone. Mizor shuffled onto the floor, hefting his maul. Quietly, he deposited an unconscious Bodiccea in her chair at the defense table, and a reeling Xanthippe in her seat in the jury section.
"Ah, that's a shame," Lysander said. "Though this just goes to show you: it's always the quiet, unassuming ones you have to watch out for."
Elzix tsked. "Well, you know what that means: the betting pool's closed."
"So give us our money back!"
Elzix threw his hands up in the air and shook his head. "Sorry, folks! The bet was which one of 'em would win! It looks like both of them lost, so there's no payouts today!"
Greiz's face darkened. "You do want to keep the body parts you have left, don't you?"
"And besides," Lysander said, quickly hobbling over to Xanthippe, "our dear little girl here is much closer to being conscious than the other one! Aren't you, my precious?"
Xanthippe was grinning. "And the lights went out all over the world..." She fell on her face with a loud thud.
After a short pause to restore order and a wakeful state to all participants, the trial resumed. Jerhyn turned to the prosecution table. "You may make your final statement."
Thaddeus nodded, and turned to address the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen, the defendant freely admits to everything she was accused of, has shown no remorse, and will doubtless resume her activities the first opportunity she has. There is no doubt that she is guilty, and a danger to this man's... to this man. Thank you."
Jerhyn nodded, and turned to Amanita. "And for the defense?"
Amanita stood up. "Why lie? She's guilty. She looks guilty. She smells guilty. Throw the book at her and let's get this over with."
Bodiccea sneered as Amanita sat down. "I do not smell."
Amanita smirked. "Maybe it's from getting manhandled by the bear."
"Thank you both. Now, let the jury convene and reach a verdict."
Alkor looked at Varnae, who had dozed off, and smacked him on the back of the head. "Wake up, pasty man! It is time for you to pretend you know what is going on."
"Hmmh?" Varnae woke with a start and looked around. "Oh, is all the inane babbling over with, then? Excellent. Members of the jury: is there any doubt as to what the proper, legal outcome of this case should be?"
"No."
"Nope."
"Indisputably not."
"Nuh-uh."
"Very well." Varnae stood up, and addressed Jerhyn. "We, the members of the jury, find the defendant... very charming."
"Aw," Bodiccea grinned.
"And guilty as sin."
Gheed's face erupted in a broad smile. "Very well," Jerhyn said. "I shall pass sentence. Bodiccea of Amazonia, you are hereby ordered by this court to pay to Gheed of Westmarch a fine of one (1) piece of gold --"
"WHAT!?" Gheed screamed.
"... and to administer to Gheed no less than one (1) Twirling Death wedgie before leaving this courtroom. Case closed."
"WAIT JUST A MINUTE HERE!!! YOU CA-AAAAHHHH!!!!"
"Round and round and round he goes!" Bodiccea said, spinning Gheed around the room by his undergarments.
Amanita re-lit her cigar. "Well, that was fun. Anyone for chinese?"
Suddenly, the door fell in with a crash, and Tearlach stepped into the room, the meek man from outside stuffed into his armpit. "Damn!! Why didn't you idiots tell me we were finally going to meet in a tavern!?! LINE 'EM UP, BARKEEP!!"
"Aw, I knew this was going too good to last." Bodiccea released Gheed, sending him crashing through the tavern's back window. "C'mon, Heather. Our job here is done."
Heather followed Bodiccea out of the tavern. "Now we go back to the monastery?"
"After we get some sleep. I'm bushed."
"Yeah. Court cases are such a trial."
Bodiccea blinked, and looked at Heather. "Did you just make a pun?"
Heather shrugged, then grinned. "Yeah!"
"Well... try to make a better one next time."
"Ok!"
Moog_playa
New member
...and here I thought I was the pun Master...I bow to your punniness. :lol: :lol: :lol: :bow:
Ravenforce3
New member
Stony, I bow before the comic master. Keep it up!
Back at the Rogue camp, Bodiccea got her new stuff together. "Ok... runes in the armor, that's Tal-Eth... jewels in the burning Brandistock. It's level 18, I'll have to wait. Until then, Bloodthief!" Bodiccea brandished the spear. "That's 22% life leech! Life is good."
"Did I get anything?" Heather asked.
"Sorry, babe, not this time. Maybe the Mule's waiting until you're higher level. The low level unique bows are kinda crappy."
"Huh. That spear's called Bloodthief?"
"Uh-huh. Nice damage, good speed, lots o' leech. There's even a strength bonus."
"Why is it white? Shouldn't it be red or something?"
Bodiccea looked at Bloodthief again. "Huh. Yeah, other life leeching things are red. Mana leeching things are blue."
"Maybe it's because it's vampiric or something."
"That's it!" Bodiccea grinned. "Look at me! I've gone goth."
Heather laughed a little. "No, you haven't."
"Sure I have! I have pale skin, and I whine and moan about everything all the time."
"But you're not wearing black. You're wearing silver and red."
"Hey, if Necro-boy can pull it off, so can I."
Still looking dubious, Heather said, "You're also blonde. Goths aren't blonde."
"Necro-boy has light-colored hair."
"Um... I think he dyes it."
Bodiccea laughed. "You think?"
"I don't think it's natural."
"I don't think anything about him is natural. Besides, goths are supposed to be skinny. I'm never gonna be skinny in a million years."
After a short, diplomatic silence, Heather smiled and said, "So, are we heading back to the cloisters? Andarial must have restocked them by now."
"Yeah, they're full again. But we'll have another chance to see that fountain. It's pretty."
"Uh-huh."
The fountain was still pretty, and the cloisters were full. For reasons known only to herself, Bodiccea had to kick in each and every one of the exploding barrels. Call it a compulsion, but she did get one halfway decent drop. On the way to the barracks, she managed to dodge a Razor Spine quill: the dodge animation played and everything. Her old teachers told her she was way too big to pull off acrobatics, so doing it anyway was very cool.
Inside the barracks, they met Devilkin, Death Clan goats, and Bone Archers. Even with the frequent stops to kill things, Heather started getting left behind, and had to run to catch up more than once. Even so, the biggest danger was getting lost. The barracks twisted and turned like a randomly generated dungeon, and the only thing that worked out in Bodiccea's benefit was a Combat shrine she found just before mixing it up with two unique packs, one Goats and one Shamans. The named goat dropped a Ring of the Leech, giving Bodiccea 25% life leech. Life is grand.
Back in camp, Charsi looked over a crystal sword Bodiccea brought back. "I know we're supposed to use bows, but I love these swords. They're so pretty!"
"Crystal swords are sparkly and nice, I wish they made spears like that," Bodiccea said as she examined another find, an Amulet of the Fox.
"Yeah, kind of... but spears need fixing so much already..."
"Oh yeah," Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "I kind of forgot about repairs. Crystal is pretty, but I don't need to be that high maintenance. Do you think I should wear this?"
"The amulet you've got now adds fire resistance, right?" Heather asked.
"Yeah, and we are running into a lot of shamans, so I need some of that. This only adds 7 life, it's not that good. But, the name..."
Charsi frowned in confusion. "Huh?"
Bodiccea pondered a bit longer, then put on the new amulet. "What the heck. Nothing around here does enough damage for me to need much resistance anyway."
"Um," Heather asked, "do you really think you'll need something hanging around your neck that says 'fox'?"
"Oh, I get it," Charsi grinned.
"Why not?" Bodiccea said. "Some guys have a hard time figuring it out."
"I don't think so," Heather muttered.
"No, no, maybe she's right." Charsi sighed, and a faraway look crept into her eyes. "A while ago, this amazing man came here, a Barbarian from the far north. I tried and tried, but I could never get him to notice me. Maybe I should have tried something like that."
"Uh... yeah." Bodiccea put her old amulet back on, and gave the Amulet of the Fox to Charsi. "Maybe you should wear this. It matches your eyes better than mine. Speaking of insensitive males, where's Gheed?"
"I don't know, I haven't seen him."
"He's probably somewhere thinking of a way to get back at you," Heather suggested.
Bodiccea laughed. "As if. Don't worry, Charsi, someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. Back to work, Heather."
After enough wandering, Bodiccea had found the stairs to the jails, and pretty much nailed down where the Horadric Malus wasn't. There was only one door left... back at the other end of the barracks. Isn't that the way it always works out, she thought, and headed back, almost losing Heather twice more. Inside that last room, they found a few Devilkin, some goats, and his rotundity, the Smith.
"I will make weapons from your bones!" the Smith bellowed. "Slay them! A rush and a push, and the land is ours!"
Heather's breath hissed in at the sight of the onrushing horde, and she squeaked, "Panic!"
Gritting her teeth, Bodiccea said, "Handsome devil, isn't he?" She lowered her spear and ran to the front, so all the goats and Devilkin gathered around her.
"Death at one's elbow!" Heather shouted, putting an arrow in a Devilkin's side.
"This is going nowhere fast," Bodiccea said as a single Shaman raised the Devilkin. She retreated a few steps, then ran around the horde to the Shaman. "Please please please let me get what I want!"
"You just haven't earned it yet, baby!" the Smith growled, and bashed Bodiccea across the room. Heather ran into the middle of the melee to protect Bodiccea while she got up.
"Girl! Afraid?" Bodiccea asked.
"What difference does it make?"
"Cover me, I'm gonna get that Shaman!"
"But the goats are more dangerous!"
"When should we get them?"
Heather smiled. "How soon is now?"
"Barbarism begins at home!" Bodiccea concentrated on the goats, killing all but one, then ran around the crowd to the Shaman.
The Smith decided to go after Heather, having decided that she was the bonier of the two women. "Unhappy birthday!" he barked, knocking her into the wall.
Swearing, Bodiccea left the wounded Shaman and ran back to Heather. Standing between her and the Smith, she said, "Some girls are bigger than others."
"What she said..." Heather moaned from the floor.
The Smith leered, a drooling grin splitting his face nearly in two. "Well, I wonder..."
Heather's eyes widened. "I know it's over."
"Don't paint a vulgar picture." Bodiccea moved to the side, feinted at the Smith, then ran back to the Shaman and finally killed it. "Ha! There is a light that never goes out!"
Heather ran after her, and hid behind the Smith's forge. "Bigmouth strikes again!"
With a confident smirk, Bodiccea strode out to face the Smith and the few remaining Devilkin. "Stop me if you think you've heard this one before."
The Smith bellowed, "Put the girlfriend in a coma!" to the Devilkin. They looked up at him, their tiny knees trembling. One whined, "That joke isn't funny anymore."
"I started something you couldn't finish," Bodiccea said, and met the Smith in the middle of the room. After two blue potion's worth of frantic jabbing, he fell down dead. Heather killed the last Devilkin while Bodiccea got the Malus. "There. Let's get back to the old house."
"Great," Heather said. "You've got everything now."
"These things take time," Bodiccea nodded. "How you doing?"
Heather thought for a moment. "Weirdly post-punk, in an androgynous kind of way."
"Huh. Wonder where that came from."
Charsi was happy to have the Malus back, but Bodiccea had nothing to imbue just yet. Not that she thought she would anytime soon, or that the imbue would produce anything worth using, but there was a chance and no sense in wasting it. The jails looked exactly like the barracks, except for the addition of cages and torture devices. Most of the torture devices were freshly used, of course. Bodiccea considered asking Heather why the Rogues built so much prison space, or why they had all these instruments of pain and mangling, but she got distracted by a large block of exploding barrels. She still had to kick each and every one, no matter how much it hurt.
And it did hurt. The only monsters in the first level of the Jails were skeletons, Bone Mages and Bone Archers. What good was collecting together such an imponderable amount of life leech if none of the monsters were leechable? Okay, there was a batch of Champion Ghosts in the third secret chamber she found, and later a unique goat with mana burn, but that just meant she had to drink blue potions instead of red or purple.
"I hate skeletons!" Bodiccea snapped, kicking a still-chattering skull across a room.
Heather shrugged. "They don't have any life left to leech. Except for the red bit, they're nothing but bones."
"Red bit?"
Heather pointed at the floor. "The red organ thing that falls out when they die."
Bodiccea looked down. "Oh, gross! Kill 'em all now!"
"Isn't that what we're doing?"
"Yeah, but we need to do it more."
On the second level of the Jail, they were met by a unique Ghost with stone skin. While they were slowly poking it to pieces, they had a lively debate on whether a stony ghost is a good example of irony, or if it's just annoying. It was only halfway dead when they concluded it was both. The Rogues had Gargoyle traps here. Even they were less stony than that stupid ghost. There were goats on the level, though, which made up for it.
The misshapen boss Pitspawn Fouldog was in his usual place, a back corridor with two side rooms -- but this time, his room had bars, he and his minions lined right up by the bars, and Bodiccea had a weapon with enough reach to poke them to death in safety. Bodiccea almost didn't mind almost breaking her spear on his head. Killing him put her up to level 18, and he dropped a rare bow with acceptable damage and life leech. Life is blissful, and it got even better when she tried the jeweled Ember Brandistock of the Leech.
"Ok, let's try this sucker out."
"It's not vampiric, is it?"
"Only a little. Mostly it's fire damage. 'C'!" Bodiccea looked over to the left. "There's my damage with Bloodthief. And now with the -- whoa!"
Heather's eyes widened. "That's over 100 max damage!"
"That can't be right! No, wait... Jab reduces the physical damage a spear does, but this sucker does mostly fire. I guess that makes sense."
"Wow. What's my damage like?"
"'O'! Hey, not bad. But I officially rock."
"Do you think I could get a bow with lots of fire in it?"
"When you hit level 18. See? You're only 13 yet."
"I'd like some of that magic run-faster stuff you've got too..."
"And I'd like a pony. Or a boyfriend who pays enough attention to my needs."
After thinking for a moment, Heather asked, "How many boyfriends have you had?"
"Tons. Well, lots. Several. Ok, three. Two were total momma's boys, and the other thought his career was more important than me, so I dumped him."
"Oh."
"What?"
"Nothing, I don't know. Can we go back to the jails?"
Bodiccea frowned a bit. "Sure. I want to try this new spear out, see how it does."
"Ok."
"What?!"
"I just said ok."
The last level of the Jails was mostly skeletons, with just one pack of Champion Death Clan goats. For the most part, there was no leeching, but it hardly mattered. Almost everything died in one Jab sequence, sometimes on the first hit. Gargoyle traps melted like they were hardly there. Even a lightning enchanted Bone Mage presented no problems: she hit it with Impale and it took so much damage it never got the chance to make any sparks. Wild ideas about a six-socketed Brandistock with perfect gems, or elemental damage jewels, raced through Bodiccea's mind. Before she knew it, the level was clear. Heather spent more time running to catch up than she did fighting.
The Inner Cloister was empty. Bodiccea looted the body, hit the waypoint, and looked up at the imposing Cathedral. "What time is it?"
Panting, Heather said, "After midnight."
"Yeah, it's too late to go in. Let's get some sleep. You look bushed."
Heather managed a grin, and they went back to camp for the night.
"Did I get anything?" Heather asked.
"Sorry, babe, not this time. Maybe the Mule's waiting until you're higher level. The low level unique bows are kinda crappy."
"Huh. That spear's called Bloodthief?"
"Uh-huh. Nice damage, good speed, lots o' leech. There's even a strength bonus."
"Why is it white? Shouldn't it be red or something?"
Bodiccea looked at Bloodthief again. "Huh. Yeah, other life leeching things are red. Mana leeching things are blue."
"Maybe it's because it's vampiric or something."
"That's it!" Bodiccea grinned. "Look at me! I've gone goth."
Heather laughed a little. "No, you haven't."
"Sure I have! I have pale skin, and I whine and moan about everything all the time."
"But you're not wearing black. You're wearing silver and red."
"Hey, if Necro-boy can pull it off, so can I."
Still looking dubious, Heather said, "You're also blonde. Goths aren't blonde."
"Necro-boy has light-colored hair."
"Um... I think he dyes it."
Bodiccea laughed. "You think?"
"I don't think it's natural."
"I don't think anything about him is natural. Besides, goths are supposed to be skinny. I'm never gonna be skinny in a million years."
After a short, diplomatic silence, Heather smiled and said, "So, are we heading back to the cloisters? Andarial must have restocked them by now."
"Yeah, they're full again. But we'll have another chance to see that fountain. It's pretty."
"Uh-huh."
The fountain was still pretty, and the cloisters were full. For reasons known only to herself, Bodiccea had to kick in each and every one of the exploding barrels. Call it a compulsion, but she did get one halfway decent drop. On the way to the barracks, she managed to dodge a Razor Spine quill: the dodge animation played and everything. Her old teachers told her she was way too big to pull off acrobatics, so doing it anyway was very cool.
Inside the barracks, they met Devilkin, Death Clan goats, and Bone Archers. Even with the frequent stops to kill things, Heather started getting left behind, and had to run to catch up more than once. Even so, the biggest danger was getting lost. The barracks twisted and turned like a randomly generated dungeon, and the only thing that worked out in Bodiccea's benefit was a Combat shrine she found just before mixing it up with two unique packs, one Goats and one Shamans. The named goat dropped a Ring of the Leech, giving Bodiccea 25% life leech. Life is grand.
Back in camp, Charsi looked over a crystal sword Bodiccea brought back. "I know we're supposed to use bows, but I love these swords. They're so pretty!"
"Crystal swords are sparkly and nice, I wish they made spears like that," Bodiccea said as she examined another find, an Amulet of the Fox.
"Yeah, kind of... but spears need fixing so much already..."
"Oh yeah," Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "I kind of forgot about repairs. Crystal is pretty, but I don't need to be that high maintenance. Do you think I should wear this?"
"The amulet you've got now adds fire resistance, right?" Heather asked.
"Yeah, and we are running into a lot of shamans, so I need some of that. This only adds 7 life, it's not that good. But, the name..."
Charsi frowned in confusion. "Huh?"
Bodiccea pondered a bit longer, then put on the new amulet. "What the heck. Nothing around here does enough damage for me to need much resistance anyway."
"Um," Heather asked, "do you really think you'll need something hanging around your neck that says 'fox'?"
"Oh, I get it," Charsi grinned.
"Why not?" Bodiccea said. "Some guys have a hard time figuring it out."
"I don't think so," Heather muttered.
"No, no, maybe she's right." Charsi sighed, and a faraway look crept into her eyes. "A while ago, this amazing man came here, a Barbarian from the far north. I tried and tried, but I could never get him to notice me. Maybe I should have tried something like that."
"Uh... yeah." Bodiccea put her old amulet back on, and gave the Amulet of the Fox to Charsi. "Maybe you should wear this. It matches your eyes better than mine. Speaking of insensitive males, where's Gheed?"
"I don't know, I haven't seen him."
"He's probably somewhere thinking of a way to get back at you," Heather suggested.
Bodiccea laughed. "As if. Don't worry, Charsi, someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. Back to work, Heather."
After enough wandering, Bodiccea had found the stairs to the jails, and pretty much nailed down where the Horadric Malus wasn't. There was only one door left... back at the other end of the barracks. Isn't that the way it always works out, she thought, and headed back, almost losing Heather twice more. Inside that last room, they found a few Devilkin, some goats, and his rotundity, the Smith.
"I will make weapons from your bones!" the Smith bellowed. "Slay them! A rush and a push, and the land is ours!"
Heather's breath hissed in at the sight of the onrushing horde, and she squeaked, "Panic!"
Gritting her teeth, Bodiccea said, "Handsome devil, isn't he?" She lowered her spear and ran to the front, so all the goats and Devilkin gathered around her.
"Death at one's elbow!" Heather shouted, putting an arrow in a Devilkin's side.
"This is going nowhere fast," Bodiccea said as a single Shaman raised the Devilkin. She retreated a few steps, then ran around the horde to the Shaman. "Please please please let me get what I want!"
"You just haven't earned it yet, baby!" the Smith growled, and bashed Bodiccea across the room. Heather ran into the middle of the melee to protect Bodiccea while she got up.
"Girl! Afraid?" Bodiccea asked.
"What difference does it make?"
"Cover me, I'm gonna get that Shaman!"
"But the goats are more dangerous!"
"When should we get them?"
Heather smiled. "How soon is now?"
"Barbarism begins at home!" Bodiccea concentrated on the goats, killing all but one, then ran around the crowd to the Shaman.
The Smith decided to go after Heather, having decided that she was the bonier of the two women. "Unhappy birthday!" he barked, knocking her into the wall.
Swearing, Bodiccea left the wounded Shaman and ran back to Heather. Standing between her and the Smith, she said, "Some girls are bigger than others."
"What she said..." Heather moaned from the floor.
The Smith leered, a drooling grin splitting his face nearly in two. "Well, I wonder..."
Heather's eyes widened. "I know it's over."
"Don't paint a vulgar picture." Bodiccea moved to the side, feinted at the Smith, then ran back to the Shaman and finally killed it. "Ha! There is a light that never goes out!"
Heather ran after her, and hid behind the Smith's forge. "Bigmouth strikes again!"
With a confident smirk, Bodiccea strode out to face the Smith and the few remaining Devilkin. "Stop me if you think you've heard this one before."
The Smith bellowed, "Put the girlfriend in a coma!" to the Devilkin. They looked up at him, their tiny knees trembling. One whined, "That joke isn't funny anymore."
"I started something you couldn't finish," Bodiccea said, and met the Smith in the middle of the room. After two blue potion's worth of frantic jabbing, he fell down dead. Heather killed the last Devilkin while Bodiccea got the Malus. "There. Let's get back to the old house."
"Great," Heather said. "You've got everything now."
"These things take time," Bodiccea nodded. "How you doing?"
Heather thought for a moment. "Weirdly post-punk, in an androgynous kind of way."
"Huh. Wonder where that came from."
Charsi was happy to have the Malus back, but Bodiccea had nothing to imbue just yet. Not that she thought she would anytime soon, or that the imbue would produce anything worth using, but there was a chance and no sense in wasting it. The jails looked exactly like the barracks, except for the addition of cages and torture devices. Most of the torture devices were freshly used, of course. Bodiccea considered asking Heather why the Rogues built so much prison space, or why they had all these instruments of pain and mangling, but she got distracted by a large block of exploding barrels. She still had to kick each and every one, no matter how much it hurt.
And it did hurt. The only monsters in the first level of the Jails were skeletons, Bone Mages and Bone Archers. What good was collecting together such an imponderable amount of life leech if none of the monsters were leechable? Okay, there was a batch of Champion Ghosts in the third secret chamber she found, and later a unique goat with mana burn, but that just meant she had to drink blue potions instead of red or purple.
"I hate skeletons!" Bodiccea snapped, kicking a still-chattering skull across a room.
Heather shrugged. "They don't have any life left to leech. Except for the red bit, they're nothing but bones."
"Red bit?"
Heather pointed at the floor. "The red organ thing that falls out when they die."
Bodiccea looked down. "Oh, gross! Kill 'em all now!"
"Isn't that what we're doing?"
"Yeah, but we need to do it more."
On the second level of the Jail, they were met by a unique Ghost with stone skin. While they were slowly poking it to pieces, they had a lively debate on whether a stony ghost is a good example of irony, or if it's just annoying. It was only halfway dead when they concluded it was both. The Rogues had Gargoyle traps here. Even they were less stony than that stupid ghost. There were goats on the level, though, which made up for it.
The misshapen boss Pitspawn Fouldog was in his usual place, a back corridor with two side rooms -- but this time, his room had bars, he and his minions lined right up by the bars, and Bodiccea had a weapon with enough reach to poke them to death in safety. Bodiccea almost didn't mind almost breaking her spear on his head. Killing him put her up to level 18, and he dropped a rare bow with acceptable damage and life leech. Life is blissful, and it got even better when she tried the jeweled Ember Brandistock of the Leech.
"Ok, let's try this sucker out."
"It's not vampiric, is it?"
"Only a little. Mostly it's fire damage. 'C'!" Bodiccea looked over to the left. "There's my damage with Bloodthief. And now with the -- whoa!"
Heather's eyes widened. "That's over 100 max damage!"
"That can't be right! No, wait... Jab reduces the physical damage a spear does, but this sucker does mostly fire. I guess that makes sense."
"Wow. What's my damage like?"
"'O'! Hey, not bad. But I officially rock."
"Do you think I could get a bow with lots of fire in it?"
"When you hit level 18. See? You're only 13 yet."
"I'd like some of that magic run-faster stuff you've got too..."
"And I'd like a pony. Or a boyfriend who pays enough attention to my needs."
After thinking for a moment, Heather asked, "How many boyfriends have you had?"
"Tons. Well, lots. Several. Ok, three. Two were total momma's boys, and the other thought his career was more important than me, so I dumped him."
"Oh."
"What?"
"Nothing, I don't know. Can we go back to the jails?"
Bodiccea frowned a bit. "Sure. I want to try this new spear out, see how it does."
"Ok."
"What?!"
"I just said ok."
The last level of the Jails was mostly skeletons, with just one pack of Champion Death Clan goats. For the most part, there was no leeching, but it hardly mattered. Almost everything died in one Jab sequence, sometimes on the first hit. Gargoyle traps melted like they were hardly there. Even a lightning enchanted Bone Mage presented no problems: she hit it with Impale and it took so much damage it never got the chance to make any sparks. Wild ideas about a six-socketed Brandistock with perfect gems, or elemental damage jewels, raced through Bodiccea's mind. Before she knew it, the level was clear. Heather spent more time running to catch up than she did fighting.
The Inner Cloister was empty. Bodiccea looted the body, hit the waypoint, and looked up at the imposing Cathedral. "What time is it?"
Panting, Heather said, "After midnight."
"Yeah, it's too late to go in. Let's get some sleep. You look bushed."
Heather managed a grin, and they went back to camp for the night.
In the morning, Bodiccea and Heather met Cain to discuss their plans for the day. "Hi! Well, this is it: today, Andarial dies."
"You are both fantastically brave to be doing this!" Cain said. "All my years, I have lived a shut-in, scholarly life, and know nothing of the ways of arms. I hope my knowledge may aid you someday... you seem to have had little need for it thus far."
"Aw," Bodiccea bowed her head. "Could you please tell us what you know about Andarial?"
The faintest smile of hope flitted across Cain's face. "The demon Andarial is known to men as the Maiden of Anguish, and the queen of the Succubi. It is said that she is the one who takes the most joy in manipulating mortal souls, as the misshapen, twisted things who serve her bear witness. She is a poisonous creature, always accompanied by a choking mist of pure venom. However, she is not the most warlike of Hell's rulers, and surprisingly for one born in the infernal pit, she is not fond of fire."
Bodiccea grinned. "So we can't call her a flaming queen, huh? It's all cool, I've got a fiery weapon. Heather, shoot lots of fire arrows, 'k?"
"Ok."
"Many of the heroes who fought beneath Tristram reported encounters with Succubi, so many that I would be very surprised if Andarial has any remaining to escort her now. There were never very many, according to the old accounts."
"No Suckers. Check."
A puzzled frown deepening Cain's brow wrinkles. "That is a peculiar thing to call them. Most men use entirely different words for the Succubi. Then again, you are an Amazon, so perhaps I should not be surprised."
Laughing, Bodiccea cocked one eyebrow up. "Any woman who'd take the deal Succubi get is a sucker, in more ways than one."
"Hmm... I suppose that may be so. Most of the histories describe what the Maiden of Anguish does to men, not to the women who fall into her web."
"That's 'cause men wrote them. Anyhoo, it doesn't matter much. We're not men, so we don't care if she's got Succubi or not. We've got fire, we've got estrogen, we'll get some antidote potions... who could ask for anything more?"
"May the blessings of Heaven be upon you! Her minions may have fallen easily, but I fear the demon queen herself will not prove so easy to defeat..."
"Don't worry, we'll be careful. C'mon Heather, let's get started."
As they walked to the waypoint, Heather asked, "Have you come up with a plan?"
"Plan?"
"For defeating Andarial."
"Oh," Bodiccea shrugged. "Nah. Never needed one before."
"But she's a demon queen! She wiped out everyone in our monastery! I don't think you should just run up to her and stick her with your spear."
"Her minions wiped out everyone in your monastery. While you were asleep, I might add. We're awake, we've got the gear, and we know what her weakness is." Heather still looked worried, so Bodiccea said, "Ok, how about this: we pull in some little malodorous troll from Battle.net and throw him in there in front of us. He'll see two gigantic breasts and run right in. Then we come in and stick her while she's busy peeling his skin off."
Frowning dubiously, Heather said. "I understand the part about the two gigantic breasts, but how do we get him to go for Andarial?"
"Oh, ha ha. Just aim him right. Male hormones will take care of the rest."
"But won't he recognize her, and know she'll kill him?"
Bodiccea started counting on her fingers. "One: your average b.netter has never seen Andarial. They spend their whole lives either in Hell Cows, running Meph and Baal, or PK'ing anybody actually trying to play the game. Two: even if he has seen her, he won't remember her 'cause male brains turn off the second they see boobs. Three: even if he remembers, he'll probably figure this is the only chance he'll ever get in his geeky little life to touch real live girl things and will go for her anyway."
Heather quirked an eyebrow. "Didn't you tell me most b.netters are afraid of strong girls? I don't know, but I think she qualifies."
"Huh. Yeah, that's true. Ok, plan B: run right up to her and stick her with my spear. You hang around in the back and try not to draw attention."
"Sure. Why mess with something that's always worked before?"
"Sure! Next stop, the Inner Cloister. Hey, wait!"
Heather rolled her eyes. "You noticed Gheed was there, didn't you?"
"Just saw him." Bodiccea rubbed her hands together. "He's not getting away this time!"
Bodiccea ran off, and as expected, a scream soon was heard throughout the camp. But this time, it wasn't Gheed. Two loud popping noises mingled with the scream, and Bodiccea darted back through the camp, wailing with soul-scarred dismay and holding her hands over her bleeding eye sockets.
"Wow!" Heather said, stepping up beside Warriv. "What happened?"
"Something terrible. You might disagree, Gheed."
The fat merchant had stepped up beside them, chuckling with undisguised glee. "What makes you say that, Warriv? I knew she'd come straight for me the minute I showed my face. I think she's gotten no more than she deserved."
"What did you do to her?" Heather demanded.
Eyes wide and innocent, Gheed loudly said, "Nothing!"
Warriv smiled a bit, and chuckled. "I think I can guess... Heather, you know she always goes straight for his underwear?"
"Yeah... ?"
Gheed grinned, wider than ever. "So today, I just didn't wear any."
Heather's eyes went wide, and then she clenched them shut, shivering. Over in Akara's corner, they could hear Bodiccea sobbing, "It was horrible... like two pimply piles of chewed bubble gum squishing hairy and slimy into other..."
"Child, do shut up. I just had breakfast. Let me heal your eyes and allow you to continue your quest, hopefully a bit wiser for the horror you have faced."
After her sight was restored and some quick psychological counseling, Bodiccea felt ready to face Andarial. Two Black Rogue archers were waiting to meet them outside the cathedral doors. They fried up nicely. Afterwards, Bodiccea kicked the doors open and they strode in. For the first time in memory, there wasn't a single Dark One in there. In fact, there were hardly any monsters at all, just a few Misshapen and Bone Ash in his usual place by the main altar. There were plenty of sarcophagi, which kind of made up for it on the looting side. It's still kind of weird how mercs don't object to you looting their holiest of holies.
The Catacombs were dark and eerie, full of chests and caskets, and burbling blood in holes in the floor. Neither Heather nor Bodiccea could explain why, if there's that much blood in the floor, the lower levels weren't flooded. The first level of catacombs was full of Dark Ones and Rat Men, except for two Misshapen bosses, one lightning enchanted and one with multi-shot. The lightning enchanted one got Impaled to death. He never got a chance to spark either. Who needs lightning resistance?
Just like yesterday, Heather slowly but surely started getting left behind. If they fought their way down a long dead end and had to retrace, Bodiccea often completely lost sight of her and had to go back. Imagine her surprise one time, when she was about to go back and look for her, when Heather appeared around the next corner.
"Hi. Where you going?"
"ACK!" Bodiccea jumped. "How'd you get up there? Rogues can't teleport!"
Looking a little smug, Heather shrugged with feigned nonchalance. "Oh, I just ran around the short way. I've been down here before, you know."
Bodiccea smirked, eyes narrowing. "You popped out of the game and back in in front of me, didn't you?"
"Um, uh, yeah." Heather grinned sheepishly.
"Hmph!" Bodiccea snorted. "Sneak. See if I ever run back for you again."
The next level of catacombs was all Dark Ones, Arachs, and one Misshapen pack with a multi-shot boss. The spiders were a curious touch, there weren't any creatures like them in the rest of Act I. Otherwise, everything was just like all the previous levels of Catacombs and Jails: packs of Gargoyle traps, packs of champions, little nests of Shamans close enough to resurrect each others minions... ho hum.
"I wonder where the giant spiders come from," Heather said.
"Andarial likes 'em. She's kind of a black widow type."
"Maybe they're her children or something."
"I dunno. They always call her the 'Maiden' of Anguish, so I'm betting she's never done it."
"Oh, yeah. Huh. Then why is she in charge of the Succubi?"
After a few minutes pause to kill a pack of Dark Ones, Bodiccea continued, "I don't know about Succubutts. All I know is, there aren't any Incubi, which is just one more way the universe isn't fair."
Heather looked at her strangely. "You'd WANT Incubi around?"
"No." Bodiccea thought about it for a minute. "But they should at least have some here so we can look at them."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be so bad."
"I don't think it'd be bad at all... except we'd have to kill 'em."
They went on in silence for a while. As the last of a pack of spiders lay dying, Heather asked, "I wonder if Andarial even can do it. I mean, she's supposed to be so poisonous..."
Bodiccea laughed. "You mean, her hootchie is so impure anyone who tried anything would have his thingie shrivel up and fall off? Maybe."
"Maybe another demon lord could."
"Maybe, but it ain't gonna happen outside of some kinky piece of fanfic. Andy's in Act I, and stays here where there aren't any other demon lords."
"Uh, what's fanfic?"
Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "Fan fiction. That's where some no-talent hack can't come up with anything on his own, so he takes somebody else's world and tries writing a story set in it. Basically, it's a total loser with no imagination trying to be a writer."
"Oh. Glad we don't know anyone like that."
"As if! You'd never catch me around somebody like that."
Deeper into the catacombs, Bodiccea and Heather finally started running into undead: hungry Ghouls, and The Banished, which were vampires. Funny, they didn't look like the exquisite, sensuous things Anne Rice described at all. The open-topped skulls were especially strange -- they had to levitate along very smoothly, keeping their heads as steady as possible so their brains wouldn't fall out. The Ghouls still didn't care about Bodiccea, but she found she could get their attention by waving a Banished brain at them. The only uniques were a mana burn Afflicted and a holy freeze Afflicted. Every boss in the Catacombs was either a Misshapen or an Afflicted... weird.
The outer chamber of level 4 was empty, except for the flaming pits and pools of blood. Why would Andarial put so much flame in her lair if she doesn't like fire? Whatever, the entrance hall was full of Dark Ones and Ghouls, just like usual. Bodiccea and Heather cleared it, looked at the pool full of dead naked people, and opened the doors to Andarial's throne room.
"Ok!" Bodiccea nodded. "Remember to use fire arrows."
"Check. You got some antidotes?"
"Check. Let's do it."
Off to the left, Bodiccea stopped to loot a couple of dead Rogues, ignoring the skins, torsos and other human body parts decorating the room. Back to the right, they killed the Dark Ones by the burning crates, and avoided getting burned. Then Bodiccea ran up the middle of the hall to Jab a Shaman to death. A bellow shook the hall: "FEAR ME!"
Andarial came stomping out just as the Shaman died. After stifling a giggle, Bodiccea backed up until she was in Heather's range, then turned around to face her in the middle of the hall. Her poison spray got them both once, but a red potion took care of Heather and Bodiccea was leeching so much she barely noticed. Two blue potions later, and Andarial disintegrated in a blast of flame. Bodiccea and Heather drank their antidotes, cleared out the rest of the throne room, and went back to camp.
"You did it," Kashya said when they walked up to the campfire. "We heard her scream from here. It must have been terrifying."
"Oh, yeah!" Bodiccea said. "That hair, the spidery legs, and most of all, the g-string. You don't want to know where these gems came from."
Kashya was still staring at her. "Perhaps I have... misjudged you, outlander. Your flippant words belie your serious intent."
"Nah, it's all right," Bodiccea grinned. "Hmm... you know, I've got an idea. Do you kick with your left foot or your right?"
Kashya blinked. "My left."
"Cool." Bodiccea handed her the left of Sigon's boots. "Put this on."
"What's this for?" Kashya asked, putting the boot on.
"You'll see." Bodiccea grabbed her hand, and pulled her back to a tavern, empty except for Bodiccea, a very confused Kashya, and Tearlach, snoring on a bench.
"Hey, big guy," Bodiccea shook his shoulder. "There's someone I want to see you."
As he blinked awake, Kashya's eyes widened. "I know that face..."
"Kashya!" Tearlach stood up, his eyes brimming over with lust. "You fiery hellcat! I knew you would come. I have decided the world is not worthy of me now, and I will not conquer it today. But soon! Tonight, there is only one conquest I want to make."
By now, Kashya's eyes were so wide Bodiccea thought they might pop right out of her skull. "I REMEMBER YOU..."
"Ha!" Tearlach laughed. "No lass ever forgets me. But this night, you are mine! Come and get what every red-blooded woman in the world wants!"
Trembling, teeth gritted, Kashya grabbed Tearlach by the shoulders and drove her iron-clad knee upwards, straight and true and harder than Chinese algebra. A bone-splintering crack raised the roof and shook the walls. Men for miles around collapsed in sympathetic agony. And Tearlach's scream made dogs howl and cover their ears in pain. When the earth stopped shaking and Tearlach's lungs were empty, he closed his mouth, opened it again, spat out two walnuts, and collapsed to the floor in a curled-up heap.
"Berserkers," Bodiccea shook her head. "Never even thought about defending himself."
Panting, Kashya staggered back against a table, a blissful smile on her face. "Oooh..."
Suddenly, Xanthippe and Amanita appeared out of nowhere. "What the hell was that?"
"Oh, nothing," Bodiccea grinned. "Where are the guys?"
"Doubled over in pain," Amanita said. "Even deadboy. Wait... did you her in here and let her go at him?"
"Yep!"
"And you didn't invite us to watch?" Xanthippe's eyes widened in alarm. "You b!tch!"
"Sorry, didn't think of it. How you doing, Kashya?"
"I feel... cleansed."
"Need a cigarette?" Amanita asked.
"No, I'm cool. Wow. It's like there's light in the world for the first time. I can hear birds singing. They're so beautiful..."
A faint, very high-pitched groan squeaked up from the floor. Bodiccea snorted. "Oh, shut up. This is all softcore, you'll be fine after the next restart."
Kashya pointed out the window. "Look! A rainbow. Isn't it pretty?"
"Wow," Amanita smiled. "That sure took the pepper out of her."
"I'll say," Xanthippe nodded. "Wish she'd been this nice when I was around."
Bodiccea laughed, and gave Kashya a hug. "Yeah, violence can do that. Let's get you back where you belong. And I need my boot back too. I'm off to Lut Gholein!"
Concluding thoughts:
1) In previous stories, I finished Act I by chapter 7; this is chapter 11. Must be from trying to cram all the jokes I have left.
2) I still haven't decided if Bodiccea should keep Heather as a mercenary. They seem to be developing a rapport, and there's some untapped veins of humor there, but there's a lot of different jokes I could make with a male merc.
3) On the other hand, these humor here is obnoxious enough without Bodiccea having a male around all the time. Taking her natural tendencies any further may strain the boundaries of good taste and discretion unnecessarily.
"You are both fantastically brave to be doing this!" Cain said. "All my years, I have lived a shut-in, scholarly life, and know nothing of the ways of arms. I hope my knowledge may aid you someday... you seem to have had little need for it thus far."
"Aw," Bodiccea bowed her head. "Could you please tell us what you know about Andarial?"
The faintest smile of hope flitted across Cain's face. "The demon Andarial is known to men as the Maiden of Anguish, and the queen of the Succubi. It is said that she is the one who takes the most joy in manipulating mortal souls, as the misshapen, twisted things who serve her bear witness. She is a poisonous creature, always accompanied by a choking mist of pure venom. However, she is not the most warlike of Hell's rulers, and surprisingly for one born in the infernal pit, she is not fond of fire."
Bodiccea grinned. "So we can't call her a flaming queen, huh? It's all cool, I've got a fiery weapon. Heather, shoot lots of fire arrows, 'k?"
"Ok."
"Many of the heroes who fought beneath Tristram reported encounters with Succubi, so many that I would be very surprised if Andarial has any remaining to escort her now. There were never very many, according to the old accounts."
"No Suckers. Check."
A puzzled frown deepening Cain's brow wrinkles. "That is a peculiar thing to call them. Most men use entirely different words for the Succubi. Then again, you are an Amazon, so perhaps I should not be surprised."
Laughing, Bodiccea cocked one eyebrow up. "Any woman who'd take the deal Succubi get is a sucker, in more ways than one."
"Hmm... I suppose that may be so. Most of the histories describe what the Maiden of Anguish does to men, not to the women who fall into her web."
"That's 'cause men wrote them. Anyhoo, it doesn't matter much. We're not men, so we don't care if she's got Succubi or not. We've got fire, we've got estrogen, we'll get some antidote potions... who could ask for anything more?"
"May the blessings of Heaven be upon you! Her minions may have fallen easily, but I fear the demon queen herself will not prove so easy to defeat..."
"Don't worry, we'll be careful. C'mon Heather, let's get started."
As they walked to the waypoint, Heather asked, "Have you come up with a plan?"
"Plan?"
"For defeating Andarial."
"Oh," Bodiccea shrugged. "Nah. Never needed one before."
"But she's a demon queen! She wiped out everyone in our monastery! I don't think you should just run up to her and stick her with your spear."
"Her minions wiped out everyone in your monastery. While you were asleep, I might add. We're awake, we've got the gear, and we know what her weakness is." Heather still looked worried, so Bodiccea said, "Ok, how about this: we pull in some little malodorous troll from Battle.net and throw him in there in front of us. He'll see two gigantic breasts and run right in. Then we come in and stick her while she's busy peeling his skin off."
Frowning dubiously, Heather said. "I understand the part about the two gigantic breasts, but how do we get him to go for Andarial?"
"Oh, ha ha. Just aim him right. Male hormones will take care of the rest."
"But won't he recognize her, and know she'll kill him?"
Bodiccea started counting on her fingers. "One: your average b.netter has never seen Andarial. They spend their whole lives either in Hell Cows, running Meph and Baal, or PK'ing anybody actually trying to play the game. Two: even if he has seen her, he won't remember her 'cause male brains turn off the second they see boobs. Three: even if he remembers, he'll probably figure this is the only chance he'll ever get in his geeky little life to touch real live girl things and will go for her anyway."
Heather quirked an eyebrow. "Didn't you tell me most b.netters are afraid of strong girls? I don't know, but I think she qualifies."
"Huh. Yeah, that's true. Ok, plan B: run right up to her and stick her with my spear. You hang around in the back and try not to draw attention."
"Sure. Why mess with something that's always worked before?"
"Sure! Next stop, the Inner Cloister. Hey, wait!"
Heather rolled her eyes. "You noticed Gheed was there, didn't you?"
"Just saw him." Bodiccea rubbed her hands together. "He's not getting away this time!"
Bodiccea ran off, and as expected, a scream soon was heard throughout the camp. But this time, it wasn't Gheed. Two loud popping noises mingled with the scream, and Bodiccea darted back through the camp, wailing with soul-scarred dismay and holding her hands over her bleeding eye sockets.
"Wow!" Heather said, stepping up beside Warriv. "What happened?"
"Something terrible. You might disagree, Gheed."
The fat merchant had stepped up beside them, chuckling with undisguised glee. "What makes you say that, Warriv? I knew she'd come straight for me the minute I showed my face. I think she's gotten no more than she deserved."
"What did you do to her?" Heather demanded.
Eyes wide and innocent, Gheed loudly said, "Nothing!"
Warriv smiled a bit, and chuckled. "I think I can guess... Heather, you know she always goes straight for his underwear?"
"Yeah... ?"
Gheed grinned, wider than ever. "So today, I just didn't wear any."
Heather's eyes went wide, and then she clenched them shut, shivering. Over in Akara's corner, they could hear Bodiccea sobbing, "It was horrible... like two pimply piles of chewed bubble gum squishing hairy and slimy into other..."
"Child, do shut up. I just had breakfast. Let me heal your eyes and allow you to continue your quest, hopefully a bit wiser for the horror you have faced."
After her sight was restored and some quick psychological counseling, Bodiccea felt ready to face Andarial. Two Black Rogue archers were waiting to meet them outside the cathedral doors. They fried up nicely. Afterwards, Bodiccea kicked the doors open and they strode in. For the first time in memory, there wasn't a single Dark One in there. In fact, there were hardly any monsters at all, just a few Misshapen and Bone Ash in his usual place by the main altar. There were plenty of sarcophagi, which kind of made up for it on the looting side. It's still kind of weird how mercs don't object to you looting their holiest of holies.
The Catacombs were dark and eerie, full of chests and caskets, and burbling blood in holes in the floor. Neither Heather nor Bodiccea could explain why, if there's that much blood in the floor, the lower levels weren't flooded. The first level of catacombs was full of Dark Ones and Rat Men, except for two Misshapen bosses, one lightning enchanted and one with multi-shot. The lightning enchanted one got Impaled to death. He never got a chance to spark either. Who needs lightning resistance?
Just like yesterday, Heather slowly but surely started getting left behind. If they fought their way down a long dead end and had to retrace, Bodiccea often completely lost sight of her and had to go back. Imagine her surprise one time, when she was about to go back and look for her, when Heather appeared around the next corner.
"Hi. Where you going?"
"ACK!" Bodiccea jumped. "How'd you get up there? Rogues can't teleport!"
Looking a little smug, Heather shrugged with feigned nonchalance. "Oh, I just ran around the short way. I've been down here before, you know."
Bodiccea smirked, eyes narrowing. "You popped out of the game and back in in front of me, didn't you?"
"Um, uh, yeah." Heather grinned sheepishly.
"Hmph!" Bodiccea snorted. "Sneak. See if I ever run back for you again."
The next level of catacombs was all Dark Ones, Arachs, and one Misshapen pack with a multi-shot boss. The spiders were a curious touch, there weren't any creatures like them in the rest of Act I. Otherwise, everything was just like all the previous levels of Catacombs and Jails: packs of Gargoyle traps, packs of champions, little nests of Shamans close enough to resurrect each others minions... ho hum.
"I wonder where the giant spiders come from," Heather said.
"Andarial likes 'em. She's kind of a black widow type."
"Maybe they're her children or something."
"I dunno. They always call her the 'Maiden' of Anguish, so I'm betting she's never done it."
"Oh, yeah. Huh. Then why is she in charge of the Succubi?"
After a few minutes pause to kill a pack of Dark Ones, Bodiccea continued, "I don't know about Succubutts. All I know is, there aren't any Incubi, which is just one more way the universe isn't fair."
Heather looked at her strangely. "You'd WANT Incubi around?"
"No." Bodiccea thought about it for a minute. "But they should at least have some here so we can look at them."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be so bad."
"I don't think it'd be bad at all... except we'd have to kill 'em."
They went on in silence for a while. As the last of a pack of spiders lay dying, Heather asked, "I wonder if Andarial even can do it. I mean, she's supposed to be so poisonous..."
Bodiccea laughed. "You mean, her hootchie is so impure anyone who tried anything would have his thingie shrivel up and fall off? Maybe."
"Maybe another demon lord could."
"Maybe, but it ain't gonna happen outside of some kinky piece of fanfic. Andy's in Act I, and stays here where there aren't any other demon lords."
"Uh, what's fanfic?"
Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "Fan fiction. That's where some no-talent hack can't come up with anything on his own, so he takes somebody else's world and tries writing a story set in it. Basically, it's a total loser with no imagination trying to be a writer."
"Oh. Glad we don't know anyone like that."
"As if! You'd never catch me around somebody like that."
Deeper into the catacombs, Bodiccea and Heather finally started running into undead: hungry Ghouls, and The Banished, which were vampires. Funny, they didn't look like the exquisite, sensuous things Anne Rice described at all. The open-topped skulls were especially strange -- they had to levitate along very smoothly, keeping their heads as steady as possible so their brains wouldn't fall out. The Ghouls still didn't care about Bodiccea, but she found she could get their attention by waving a Banished brain at them. The only uniques were a mana burn Afflicted and a holy freeze Afflicted. Every boss in the Catacombs was either a Misshapen or an Afflicted... weird.
The outer chamber of level 4 was empty, except for the flaming pits and pools of blood. Why would Andarial put so much flame in her lair if she doesn't like fire? Whatever, the entrance hall was full of Dark Ones and Ghouls, just like usual. Bodiccea and Heather cleared it, looked at the pool full of dead naked people, and opened the doors to Andarial's throne room.
"Ok!" Bodiccea nodded. "Remember to use fire arrows."
"Check. You got some antidotes?"
"Check. Let's do it."
Off to the left, Bodiccea stopped to loot a couple of dead Rogues, ignoring the skins, torsos and other human body parts decorating the room. Back to the right, they killed the Dark Ones by the burning crates, and avoided getting burned. Then Bodiccea ran up the middle of the hall to Jab a Shaman to death. A bellow shook the hall: "FEAR ME!"
Andarial came stomping out just as the Shaman died. After stifling a giggle, Bodiccea backed up until she was in Heather's range, then turned around to face her in the middle of the hall. Her poison spray got them both once, but a red potion took care of Heather and Bodiccea was leeching so much she barely noticed. Two blue potions later, and Andarial disintegrated in a blast of flame. Bodiccea and Heather drank their antidotes, cleared out the rest of the throne room, and went back to camp.
"You did it," Kashya said when they walked up to the campfire. "We heard her scream from here. It must have been terrifying."
"Oh, yeah!" Bodiccea said. "That hair, the spidery legs, and most of all, the g-string. You don't want to know where these gems came from."
Kashya was still staring at her. "Perhaps I have... misjudged you, outlander. Your flippant words belie your serious intent."
"Nah, it's all right," Bodiccea grinned. "Hmm... you know, I've got an idea. Do you kick with your left foot or your right?"
Kashya blinked. "My left."
"Cool." Bodiccea handed her the left of Sigon's boots. "Put this on."
"What's this for?" Kashya asked, putting the boot on.
"You'll see." Bodiccea grabbed her hand, and pulled her back to a tavern, empty except for Bodiccea, a very confused Kashya, and Tearlach, snoring on a bench.
"Hey, big guy," Bodiccea shook his shoulder. "There's someone I want to see you."
As he blinked awake, Kashya's eyes widened. "I know that face..."
"Kashya!" Tearlach stood up, his eyes brimming over with lust. "You fiery hellcat! I knew you would come. I have decided the world is not worthy of me now, and I will not conquer it today. But soon! Tonight, there is only one conquest I want to make."
By now, Kashya's eyes were so wide Bodiccea thought they might pop right out of her skull. "I REMEMBER YOU..."
"Ha!" Tearlach laughed. "No lass ever forgets me. But this night, you are mine! Come and get what every red-blooded woman in the world wants!"
Trembling, teeth gritted, Kashya grabbed Tearlach by the shoulders and drove her iron-clad knee upwards, straight and true and harder than Chinese algebra. A bone-splintering crack raised the roof and shook the walls. Men for miles around collapsed in sympathetic agony. And Tearlach's scream made dogs howl and cover their ears in pain. When the earth stopped shaking and Tearlach's lungs were empty, he closed his mouth, opened it again, spat out two walnuts, and collapsed to the floor in a curled-up heap.
"Berserkers," Bodiccea shook her head. "Never even thought about defending himself."
Panting, Kashya staggered back against a table, a blissful smile on her face. "Oooh..."
Suddenly, Xanthippe and Amanita appeared out of nowhere. "What the hell was that?"
"Oh, nothing," Bodiccea grinned. "Where are the guys?"
"Doubled over in pain," Amanita said. "Even deadboy. Wait... did you her in here and let her go at him?"
"Yep!"
"And you didn't invite us to watch?" Xanthippe's eyes widened in alarm. "You b!tch!"
"Sorry, didn't think of it. How you doing, Kashya?"
"I feel... cleansed."
"Need a cigarette?" Amanita asked.
"No, I'm cool. Wow. It's like there's light in the world for the first time. I can hear birds singing. They're so beautiful..."
A faint, very high-pitched groan squeaked up from the floor. Bodiccea snorted. "Oh, shut up. This is all softcore, you'll be fine after the next restart."
Kashya pointed out the window. "Look! A rainbow. Isn't it pretty?"
"Wow," Amanita smiled. "That sure took the pepper out of her."
"I'll say," Xanthippe nodded. "Wish she'd been this nice when I was around."
Bodiccea laughed, and gave Kashya a hug. "Yeah, violence can do that. Let's get you back where you belong. And I need my boot back too. I'm off to Lut Gholein!"
Concluding thoughts:
1) In previous stories, I finished Act I by chapter 7; this is chapter 11. Must be from trying to cram all the jokes I have left.
2) I still haven't decided if Bodiccea should keep Heather as a mercenary. They seem to be developing a rapport, and there's some untapped veins of humor there, but there's a lot of different jokes I could make with a male merc.
3) On the other hand, these humor here is obnoxious enough without Bodiccea having a male around all the time. Taking her natural tendencies any further may strain the boundaries of good taste and discretion unnecessarily.
