Grand Tour, pt. 7
- Thread starter Stony
- Start date
The Dark Wood was dark, and wooded. Bodiccea stepped out of the Underground Tunnel and looked around, motioning to Heather to follow. A sparse forest stretched from one side of the pass to the other. There was a clearing to the east, and what looked like an empty corral to the north.
"Ok, here's the plan," Bodiccea began. "We'll spiral out from here until we hit a wall, then follow that around, keeping it to our backs. If you see the Tree of Inifuss, don't go near it until we have the area cleared."
Heather nodded, and with a tone of exasperation, asked, "So you know there's there something guarding it?"
Bodiccea sighed. "Ok... I guess we all have to be told sometime. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll just show you. Could you give me your hand?"
Bodiccea threw her head back and shouted "conference!" With Heather's hand firmly in hers, she stepped back through the ground into darkness. Heather struggled a bit going through the monitor cord, and skinned her knee on the CPU fan (if only Blizzard let mercs wear boots) but Bodiccea held on tight until they reached a flat plain of grass next to a few bushes and a strange building. On second glance, Heather saw it wasn't grass: the ground itself was green and painted with a grass-like texture. The bushes were made of triangular tubes, with flat, angular leaves and orange fruit faceted like gems. Every surface of the building was perfectly flat, and the corners were as sharp as the edges of a knife.
"Hi, guys!" Bodiccea waved to a group of strange people gathered around a large pool of water. "Hey, Fuzzy! Can your merc talk to my merc?"
Mizor: (smiles) "Hwerro!"
"Wha...? Where are we?" Heather squeaked.
"Um... I think it's the entrance to the temple of the Nali water god, but I'm not sure."
Paige: "Hi, Heather! Nice to see you made it."
"Paige! How'd you get here? Where'd you get plate armor? Hey, nice bow..."
Paige: "It's not bad. (to Bodiccea) Have you told her anything?"
"Nah, I couldn't figure out how. I'll let you two talk, m-kay?"
Paige: "Sure. You see, Heather, it's like this..."
Over with the others, Bodiccea sat down, pulled off her boots, and dangled her legs in the pool. "So, how's it going?"
"It never changes," Tearlach said. "You know that. A life of a million cursed Meph runs would be better than this idleness."
"Don't be so sure," Thaddeus said. "I must have done hundreds of Hell cow runs, trying to get some of the higher runes. Never found a single one above a Hel."
"Maybe you had too much magic find," Bodiccea smiled.
"No, I had none. And yet, I still found magical items. I found the Immortal King's Will, Kuko Shakaku, Fleshrender... but no good runes."
"Bleah," Bodiccea said. "High level runes are too damn rare. Hey, how come I haven't seen the Mule lately?"
Mizor: (raises an eyebrow.) "Wiireehioo aheetuff?"
Thaddeus nodded. "Quite right. Even if you weren't in the habit of rejecting gifts, you're not big enough."
Bodiccea arched her back and breathed in very deeply. "How about now?"
Tearlach smiled. "Mmmm. I wish that was what tin-man meant."
"Heh." Thaddeus frowned a bit. "You'll be getting a grand charm when you're 14th level, and some more things when you reach 18."
"Phoo, I'm only 12th. Golly, I guess that means I'm not legal yet. Ow!" Bodiccea pulled her feet out of the water. "Stupid fish."
From where she was sitting under a strangely angular palm tree, Amanita lazily looked over and said, "That's why we didn't go in the water."
"Quite so," Varnae smiled, hovering near Amanita. "There is also the shark, should any of you feel that life has grown too tedious."
Bodiccea looked around. "Hey, where's the Sorceress?"
Tearlach snorted. "Chasing the bunnies. She wants to pet the stupid cowardly things."
"Ha!" Bodiccea grinned. "What is it with her and bunnies?"
"Not just rabbits," Amanita smiled, ignoring Varnae's presence. "Kittens, puppies, horsies, butterflies, whatever."
Varnae mused for a moment. "If she wants a puppy, I suppose I could go and make her one. The spare parts lying around my workshop should be sufficient."
Amanita's eyes slowly opened. "That is wrong. Sick, twisted, and totally wrong."
Varnae smiled. "Why, thank you."
Amanita grinned. "So when are you going to do it?"
"Hush, my dear. These things take time, and must be presented at the proper moment."
"Varnae..." Thaddeus sighed. "You will do no such thing. We all know you are a poison Necromancer, not a Skeleton or Revive Necromancer."
Dear Diary,
Is it any wonder no one with any taste likes Paladins? The common colloquialism "killjoy" leaps to mind. Relieving the tedium of existence with unprovoked cruelty to the deserving is a right and a pleasure I have no intention of ever denying myself. Besides... that beautiful dark angel favored me with her smile! For but one more, I would face the united stuffiness of a thousand of his armored ilk! Still, he has a point: I lack the knowledge, a fact not lost on any aware of my reputation, which includes all our present company. The Amazon's new girl... ah, the other Rogue is pointing me out... and she has turned white as a sheet. It is astounding how easily one may become infamous in these circles.
Mizor: (The pale sickly man is breathing funny again. He's weird.)
"So..." Heather's brow knitted in concentration. "This is all, like, an act?"
Paige: "No. You really are saving the world."
"It's the world that's an act," Kasim said.
Khaleel grinned. "Life's but a walking shadow, and we are poor players who strut and fret our hour on the stage until we are heard no more."
Paige: "Uh... yeah."
Kasim snorted. "Sorcerers."
Khaleel shrugged. "Hey, I read books."
Paige: "The point is, the world needs saving, but there's another world outside it. We're out there now, and you can look back in."
"Where?" Heather asked, still utterly bewildered.
"Right over there," Kasim pointed back in the direction they'd come. Heather could see an empty field. The Underground Passage entrance was in the right half of the field, and her own picture was hovering in the upper left.
Paige: "Yeah. Miss Bodiccea? Could you say 'Q' so we can see your quests?"
"Sure! Q!" Half the field vanished, and an array of six pictures with a bit of glowing text appeared. As they watched, the upper middle picture (a red and black bird with an arrow under its wing) disappeared in a swirl of gray, with the loud tolling of a bell.
"Ow," Bodiccea held her ears as she came over. "I wish they hadn't put that noise in."
"Who put that noise in?" Heather asked.
"The Powers What Is, also known as Blizzard. They like to mess with us."
"Oh. Why is my picture there?"
"'Cause you're my merc," Bodiccea smiled.
"What does that make you?"
"Prima donna."
Heather nodded quietly... then grinned... then giggled. "Um... you know, Kashya called you that earlier..."
Bodiccea's eyes narrowed. "Oh, did she? I'm going to have to have a little talk with her."
"Like you have talks with Gheed?"
Bodiccea slapped her forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something! Quick, we gotta go back! Nice seeing you guys again! Bye!"
Bodiccea grabbed Heather by the scruff of her neck and dragged her back to the Dark Wood, then cast a town portal. Running straight past a surprised-looking Warriv, she made for Gheed's corner. After a short pause, there was some thumping, and Bodiccea yelled, "Get out from under there, you coward!"
Warriv sighed, and looked at Heather. "Was it you that reminded her?"
"Uh..." Heather grinned a little. "I guess it was."
Warriv shook his head as loud screams could be heard across the camp. The screams rose and fell in pitch once... twice... three times, then reached a crescendo so painful Warriv had to cross his legs, even though he was standing up. Then there was a loud splash.
Bodiccea came running back. "Three points! Clear over the wall and into the river!"
"By Heaven, woman!" Warriv looked aghast. "You are going to leave him without any reproductive capacity whatsoever!"
"You say that like it would be a bad thing. C'mon, Heather!"
From the Underground Passage, Bodiccea and Heather moved out in a spiral pattern. The first enemies they found were Dark Hunters, then a burning house full of Carvers. For the first time, the Shaman inside the house actually came out to fight, and Bodiccea was happy to take him up on the offer and impale him just outside the door. A few Spike Fiends were firing quills from the edge of the woods. If they were actually dangerous, Bodiccea might have hidden behind trees or dodged the spikes, but there wasn't much need. After two rounds around the wood, they found a wall and followed it from then on. Heather had a new rare hunter's bow by this point, and some ring mail from Charsi.
At one point, they ran across a small barn, with a cow inside. "Wow," Heather said. "They let it live."
"Uh-uh! All the regular cows are dead. That's an ambassador from the Moo-moo farms."
Heather blinked. "It's just a cow..."
Bodiccea grinned. "That's what it wants you to think. Look into that monster's eyes. It's tasted human blood! That cow's a man-eater!"
Heather looked at the cow. It looked back, slowly chewing. "Miss Bodiccea, sometimes I just don't know when to take you seriously..."
"Never, silly."
Heather shrugged. "Ok."
While they were clearing out a Carver camp, and another right next to it, Bodiccea spotted the Tree of Inifuss. To her credit, Heather went nowhere near the tree. Once the camps were cleared, Bodiccea went over to the strange-looking tree and peeled some of the bark off like a scroll. A guttural growl announced the arrival of a huge Brute, but he only had two minions and was quickly dispatched. "That's one," Bodiccea thought. "Now, where's that stupid waypoint?"
The waypoint, as it turns out, was right next to where they'd first found the outer wall. By the time they found it, they'd pretty much cleared the entire Dark Wood. If only she'd gone right instead of left... Swearing mildly, Bodiccea hit the waypoint and ran to the stone ring, or cairn stones, or whatever it was called. Akara had already translated the scroll, so she hit the rocks in the right order, and in a flurry of lightning, a red gate appeared.
Tristram was a sad sight. Every building was in ruins, and flames belched greasy black smoke up to the starless night sky. "It's as if a great war were fought here."
"Um," Heather murmured, "wasn't it? Paige said Diablo's demons attacked here."
"Hey, that's my line. It ain't Shakespeare, but I gotta say it. Hey! We can't lose!"
"What makes you say that?"
"I!" Bodiccea pointed at her gold inventory. "I just noticed, I have 1337 gold on me! I am 1337! That means I can't lose!"
Heather quietly stared at her for a minute. "You know, you're really kind of weird."
Bodiccea grinned. "You know, you're right! Let's paint the town red."
"I think someone beat us to it, but ok."
The cleared the perimeter of the town first. Past a cow -- which Bodiccea just HAD to poke, spattering them both with bovine guts -- they went into a mostly open area, with Skeleton archers and some Night Clan Goatmen. For some reason, the Cathedral was walled off. It would have been fun to look inside, maybe see if there were any naked bat chick statues in the graveyard, but it was not to be.
On the north side of town was Gillian's body, charred and almost unrecognizable. Ogden was lying by his inn door. Wirt was still out among the rocks, though Bodiccea wasn't as sad to see him. Pepin was a jumble of burnt bone next to his hospital. Farnham was a mass of flame that probably had enough fuel to burn a week longer than the rest of town. The east end of town was behind the wall, so there was no sign of Adria. Bodiccea sighed, and holding her spear up high, screamed to the uncaring heavens, "Damn you, Blizzard! You didn't give them any running animation! Damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!"
The noise must have been what attracted Griswold. The dead smith came stumbling out of the southwest corner of town, with a stone skin Skeleton boss. "Oh, NOW he can move," Bodiccea said. "Heather, you pick off the minions, ok? I'll take the big boys."
Heather killed all the other skeletons before Bodiccea had even made a serious dent in ol' Griswold. Well, at least Blizz made him as tough as he should be. She tried Jab, Impale, and Power Strike, nothing whittled him down faster than he was smashing her. Finally, with great reluctance, Bodiccea did something she hadn't needed to do in since Blood Raven... drink a red potion. It was embarrassing.
After Griswold and the skelly boss finally died, they cleared the rest of town. For some reason, the usual crowds of Champion Shamans were absent. Cain was hanging in his cage, shouting for help. "Hi there!" Bodiccea smiled.
"Help!"
"Hey, I want to ask you something..."
"Help me! They've trapped me in this accursed cage!"
"Yeah, but there's this thing about your portal. When I let you down, you make a portal and disappear. Why don't you just cast your portal now?"
Cain stared at her. "What the devil are you talking about, woman? Get me out of here!"
"I mean, if I'm making the portal, I should be able to go through it, but if you..."
"I have a portal scroll," Cain shouted, "but this cage is too small for the portal to appear inside! If I made the portal now, it would appear outside the bars!"
"Ohhh..." Bodiccea lowered the cage and pried the door open. "Ok, here you go. See you in the Rogue camp! Hey, how do you know where the Rogues are now... ?"
But he was already gone. "Wow. He's speedy for an old guy."
Heather nodded. "Are we going home now? We've been out a long time now."
"Yep." Bodiccea started ticking off her fingers. "I get to talk to Akara, and get a ring I'll probably sell right back to her. Charsi will want the Horadric Malus back, but first we go into the Black Marshes and deal with the Countess. Oh, and see what the Mule dropped off, I'm 14 now."
Heather smirked a little. "Funny, you look older than that."
Bodiccea giggled. "I'm big for my age."
"You're big for anybody's age!"
Bodiccea laughed! "Hey, girl! You're getting sassy. I like that, keep doing it."
"Ok."
"Ok, here's the plan," Bodiccea began. "We'll spiral out from here until we hit a wall, then follow that around, keeping it to our backs. If you see the Tree of Inifuss, don't go near it until we have the area cleared."
Heather nodded, and with a tone of exasperation, asked, "So you know there's there something guarding it?"
Bodiccea sighed. "Ok... I guess we all have to be told sometime. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll just show you. Could you give me your hand?"
Bodiccea threw her head back and shouted "conference!" With Heather's hand firmly in hers, she stepped back through the ground into darkness. Heather struggled a bit going through the monitor cord, and skinned her knee on the CPU fan (if only Blizzard let mercs wear boots) but Bodiccea held on tight until they reached a flat plain of grass next to a few bushes and a strange building. On second glance, Heather saw it wasn't grass: the ground itself was green and painted with a grass-like texture. The bushes were made of triangular tubes, with flat, angular leaves and orange fruit faceted like gems. Every surface of the building was perfectly flat, and the corners were as sharp as the edges of a knife.
"Hi, guys!" Bodiccea waved to a group of strange people gathered around a large pool of water. "Hey, Fuzzy! Can your merc talk to my merc?"
Mizor: (smiles) "Hwerro!"
"Wha...? Where are we?" Heather squeaked.
"Um... I think it's the entrance to the temple of the Nali water god, but I'm not sure."
Paige: "Hi, Heather! Nice to see you made it."
"Paige! How'd you get here? Where'd you get plate armor? Hey, nice bow..."
Paige: "It's not bad. (to Bodiccea) Have you told her anything?"
"Nah, I couldn't figure out how. I'll let you two talk, m-kay?"
Paige: "Sure. You see, Heather, it's like this..."
Over with the others, Bodiccea sat down, pulled off her boots, and dangled her legs in the pool. "So, how's it going?"
"It never changes," Tearlach said. "You know that. A life of a million cursed Meph runs would be better than this idleness."
"Don't be so sure," Thaddeus said. "I must have done hundreds of Hell cow runs, trying to get some of the higher runes. Never found a single one above a Hel."
"Maybe you had too much magic find," Bodiccea smiled.
"No, I had none. And yet, I still found magical items. I found the Immortal King's Will, Kuko Shakaku, Fleshrender... but no good runes."
"Bleah," Bodiccea said. "High level runes are too damn rare. Hey, how come I haven't seen the Mule lately?"
Mizor: (raises an eyebrow.) "Wiireehioo aheetuff?"
Thaddeus nodded. "Quite right. Even if you weren't in the habit of rejecting gifts, you're not big enough."
Bodiccea arched her back and breathed in very deeply. "How about now?"
Tearlach smiled. "Mmmm. I wish that was what tin-man meant."
"Heh." Thaddeus frowned a bit. "You'll be getting a grand charm when you're 14th level, and some more things when you reach 18."
"Phoo, I'm only 12th. Golly, I guess that means I'm not legal yet. Ow!" Bodiccea pulled her feet out of the water. "Stupid fish."
From where she was sitting under a strangely angular palm tree, Amanita lazily looked over and said, "That's why we didn't go in the water."
"Quite so," Varnae smiled, hovering near Amanita. "There is also the shark, should any of you feel that life has grown too tedious."
Bodiccea looked around. "Hey, where's the Sorceress?"
Tearlach snorted. "Chasing the bunnies. She wants to pet the stupid cowardly things."
"Ha!" Bodiccea grinned. "What is it with her and bunnies?"
"Not just rabbits," Amanita smiled, ignoring Varnae's presence. "Kittens, puppies, horsies, butterflies, whatever."
Varnae mused for a moment. "If she wants a puppy, I suppose I could go and make her one. The spare parts lying around my workshop should be sufficient."
Amanita's eyes slowly opened. "That is wrong. Sick, twisted, and totally wrong."
Varnae smiled. "Why, thank you."
Amanita grinned. "So when are you going to do it?"
"Hush, my dear. These things take time, and must be presented at the proper moment."
"Varnae..." Thaddeus sighed. "You will do no such thing. We all know you are a poison Necromancer, not a Skeleton or Revive Necromancer."
Dear Diary,
Is it any wonder no one with any taste likes Paladins? The common colloquialism "killjoy" leaps to mind. Relieving the tedium of existence with unprovoked cruelty to the deserving is a right and a pleasure I have no intention of ever denying myself. Besides... that beautiful dark angel favored me with her smile! For but one more, I would face the united stuffiness of a thousand of his armored ilk! Still, he has a point: I lack the knowledge, a fact not lost on any aware of my reputation, which includes all our present company. The Amazon's new girl... ah, the other Rogue is pointing me out... and she has turned white as a sheet. It is astounding how easily one may become infamous in these circles.
Mizor: (The pale sickly man is breathing funny again. He's weird.)
"So..." Heather's brow knitted in concentration. "This is all, like, an act?"
Paige: "No. You really are saving the world."
"It's the world that's an act," Kasim said.
Khaleel grinned. "Life's but a walking shadow, and we are poor players who strut and fret our hour on the stage until we are heard no more."
Paige: "Uh... yeah."
Kasim snorted. "Sorcerers."
Khaleel shrugged. "Hey, I read books."
Paige: "The point is, the world needs saving, but there's another world outside it. We're out there now, and you can look back in."
"Where?" Heather asked, still utterly bewildered.
"Right over there," Kasim pointed back in the direction they'd come. Heather could see an empty field. The Underground Passage entrance was in the right half of the field, and her own picture was hovering in the upper left.
Paige: "Yeah. Miss Bodiccea? Could you say 'Q' so we can see your quests?"
"Sure! Q!" Half the field vanished, and an array of six pictures with a bit of glowing text appeared. As they watched, the upper middle picture (a red and black bird with an arrow under its wing) disappeared in a swirl of gray, with the loud tolling of a bell.
"Ow," Bodiccea held her ears as she came over. "I wish they hadn't put that noise in."
"Who put that noise in?" Heather asked.
"The Powers What Is, also known as Blizzard. They like to mess with us."
"Oh. Why is my picture there?"
"'Cause you're my merc," Bodiccea smiled.
"What does that make you?"
"Prima donna."
Heather nodded quietly... then grinned... then giggled. "Um... you know, Kashya called you that earlier..."
Bodiccea's eyes narrowed. "Oh, did she? I'm going to have to have a little talk with her."
"Like you have talks with Gheed?"
Bodiccea slapped her forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something! Quick, we gotta go back! Nice seeing you guys again! Bye!"
Bodiccea grabbed Heather by the scruff of her neck and dragged her back to the Dark Wood, then cast a town portal. Running straight past a surprised-looking Warriv, she made for Gheed's corner. After a short pause, there was some thumping, and Bodiccea yelled, "Get out from under there, you coward!"
Warriv sighed, and looked at Heather. "Was it you that reminded her?"
"Uh..." Heather grinned a little. "I guess it was."
Warriv shook his head as loud screams could be heard across the camp. The screams rose and fell in pitch once... twice... three times, then reached a crescendo so painful Warriv had to cross his legs, even though he was standing up. Then there was a loud splash.
Bodiccea came running back. "Three points! Clear over the wall and into the river!"
"By Heaven, woman!" Warriv looked aghast. "You are going to leave him without any reproductive capacity whatsoever!"
"You say that like it would be a bad thing. C'mon, Heather!"
From the Underground Passage, Bodiccea and Heather moved out in a spiral pattern. The first enemies they found were Dark Hunters, then a burning house full of Carvers. For the first time, the Shaman inside the house actually came out to fight, and Bodiccea was happy to take him up on the offer and impale him just outside the door. A few Spike Fiends were firing quills from the edge of the woods. If they were actually dangerous, Bodiccea might have hidden behind trees or dodged the spikes, but there wasn't much need. After two rounds around the wood, they found a wall and followed it from then on. Heather had a new rare hunter's bow by this point, and some ring mail from Charsi.
At one point, they ran across a small barn, with a cow inside. "Wow," Heather said. "They let it live."
"Uh-uh! All the regular cows are dead. That's an ambassador from the Moo-moo farms."
Heather blinked. "It's just a cow..."
Bodiccea grinned. "That's what it wants you to think. Look into that monster's eyes. It's tasted human blood! That cow's a man-eater!"
Heather looked at the cow. It looked back, slowly chewing. "Miss Bodiccea, sometimes I just don't know when to take you seriously..."
"Never, silly."
Heather shrugged. "Ok."
While they were clearing out a Carver camp, and another right next to it, Bodiccea spotted the Tree of Inifuss. To her credit, Heather went nowhere near the tree. Once the camps were cleared, Bodiccea went over to the strange-looking tree and peeled some of the bark off like a scroll. A guttural growl announced the arrival of a huge Brute, but he only had two minions and was quickly dispatched. "That's one," Bodiccea thought. "Now, where's that stupid waypoint?"
The waypoint, as it turns out, was right next to where they'd first found the outer wall. By the time they found it, they'd pretty much cleared the entire Dark Wood. If only she'd gone right instead of left... Swearing mildly, Bodiccea hit the waypoint and ran to the stone ring, or cairn stones, or whatever it was called. Akara had already translated the scroll, so she hit the rocks in the right order, and in a flurry of lightning, a red gate appeared.
Tristram was a sad sight. Every building was in ruins, and flames belched greasy black smoke up to the starless night sky. "It's as if a great war were fought here."
"Um," Heather murmured, "wasn't it? Paige said Diablo's demons attacked here."
"Hey, that's my line. It ain't Shakespeare, but I gotta say it. Hey! We can't lose!"
"What makes you say that?"
"I!" Bodiccea pointed at her gold inventory. "I just noticed, I have 1337 gold on me! I am 1337! That means I can't lose!"
Heather quietly stared at her for a minute. "You know, you're really kind of weird."
Bodiccea grinned. "You know, you're right! Let's paint the town red."
"I think someone beat us to it, but ok."
The cleared the perimeter of the town first. Past a cow -- which Bodiccea just HAD to poke, spattering them both with bovine guts -- they went into a mostly open area, with Skeleton archers and some Night Clan Goatmen. For some reason, the Cathedral was walled off. It would have been fun to look inside, maybe see if there were any naked bat chick statues in the graveyard, but it was not to be.
On the north side of town was Gillian's body, charred and almost unrecognizable. Ogden was lying by his inn door. Wirt was still out among the rocks, though Bodiccea wasn't as sad to see him. Pepin was a jumble of burnt bone next to his hospital. Farnham was a mass of flame that probably had enough fuel to burn a week longer than the rest of town. The east end of town was behind the wall, so there was no sign of Adria. Bodiccea sighed, and holding her spear up high, screamed to the uncaring heavens, "Damn you, Blizzard! You didn't give them any running animation! Damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!"
The noise must have been what attracted Griswold. The dead smith came stumbling out of the southwest corner of town, with a stone skin Skeleton boss. "Oh, NOW he can move," Bodiccea said. "Heather, you pick off the minions, ok? I'll take the big boys."
Heather killed all the other skeletons before Bodiccea had even made a serious dent in ol' Griswold. Well, at least Blizz made him as tough as he should be. She tried Jab, Impale, and Power Strike, nothing whittled him down faster than he was smashing her. Finally, with great reluctance, Bodiccea did something she hadn't needed to do in since Blood Raven... drink a red potion. It was embarrassing.
After Griswold and the skelly boss finally died, they cleared the rest of town. For some reason, the usual crowds of Champion Shamans were absent. Cain was hanging in his cage, shouting for help. "Hi there!" Bodiccea smiled.
"Help!"
"Hey, I want to ask you something..."
"Help me! They've trapped me in this accursed cage!"
"Yeah, but there's this thing about your portal. When I let you down, you make a portal and disappear. Why don't you just cast your portal now?"
Cain stared at her. "What the devil are you talking about, woman? Get me out of here!"
"I mean, if I'm making the portal, I should be able to go through it, but if you..."
"I have a portal scroll," Cain shouted, "but this cage is too small for the portal to appear inside! If I made the portal now, it would appear outside the bars!"
"Ohhh..." Bodiccea lowered the cage and pried the door open. "Ok, here you go. See you in the Rogue camp! Hey, how do you know where the Rogues are now... ?"
But he was already gone. "Wow. He's speedy for an old guy."
Heather nodded. "Are we going home now? We've been out a long time now."
"Yep." Bodiccea started ticking off her fingers. "I get to talk to Akara, and get a ring I'll probably sell right back to her. Charsi will want the Horadric Malus back, but first we go into the Black Marshes and deal with the Countess. Oh, and see what the Mule dropped off, I'm 14 now."
Heather smirked a little. "Funny, you look older than that."
Bodiccea giggled. "I'm big for my age."
"You're big for anybody's age!"
Bodiccea laughed! "Hey, girl! You're getting sassy. I like that, keep doing it."
"Ok."
Ravenforce3
New member
Sorcerors...
Great story, Stony. I look forward to downloading it, too.
Great story, Stony. I look forward to downloading it, too.
strijdje said:
:lol: Again? One would think that history taught you that consuming food or drink while reading these boards is even less advisable than <insert metaphor for something that is unadvisable in diablo 2 here>.
Oh, and good job on the stories, stony. Too bad they're so good, now I'll have to read the other 6 parts, too. :lol: (Good thing they weren't lost in the squid attack)
Hm, maybe your stories are to blame for the stock markets' being so bad at the moment. I can't really recall when that started but I think it was around 2002, no? :scratch: And here I was thinking it was durf's fault...
On a sidenote, I'm wondering who strijdje's computer smells... After all the food and drink it must have developed a funky fragrance... (ewwww)
On a sidenote, I'm wondering who strijdje's computer smells... After all the food and drink it must have developed a funky fragrance... (ewwww)
Stony, I'm glad to see you've kept up with The Grand Tour so well. A good read, as it always has been. I'll have to read the tales of the other Grand Tourists (I believe Varnae's story was the last I read) sometime soon - good stories are hard to come by these days, even if you know what's going to happen at the end.
Aww, c'mon, Stony. Just have a look at how she treats Gheed- An honest, god-fearing merchant of excellent repute, just trying to help people without ever wanting anything in return. (Well, mebbe inordinate amounts of gold, but hey- he's a merchant!)
Or her disdain towards her greatest ally, mr Mule. At that Ilvl Sigon's is a godsend!
It's not like she's, eeehrm... Charsi or such. Not that I'ver ever MET a girl like Cha... OK, let's skip that one.
But, OK, I apologize. Deeply, honestly. But I still thinks she rocks! That OK?
Oh, and Orbert is at http://d2x.home.comcast.net/
Download the .doc files. You don't wanna read this online, unless you're on broadband.
Or her disdain towards her greatest ally, mr Mule. At that Ilvl Sigon's is a godsend!
It's not like she's, eeehrm... Charsi or such. Not that I'ver ever MET a girl like Cha... OK, let's skip that one.
But, OK, I apologize. Deeply, honestly. But I still thinks she rocks! That OK?
Oh, and Orbert is at http://d2x.home.comcast.net/
Download the .doc files. You don't wanna read this online, unless you're on broadband.
"Good morning!" Cain smiled as Bodiccea and Heather approached. "I want to thank you for rescuing me from that accursed cage. As a token of my gratitude, I will identify any arcane items you might find free of charge!"
"Well, that's mighty white of you," Bodiccea smiled. "You want this ring? I've got no use for a Bronze Ring of Light."
Cain regarded the ring, shaking his head slightly. "Akara told me that she would give you such a reward. Though not the most powerful item I have seen, you must understand that it is the best she can do for the moment. She and I are both truly grateful."
"Eh, no biggie. You're both in the same boat: lost, homeless, and in a hell of a situation." Then she grinned and glanced over at Warriv. "So, Warriv... how come you've never shown me your eternal gratitude with fine jewelry?"
Warriv, who'd obviously been hoping she wouldn't notice him, glanced heavenwards and mumbled, "Are you sure you only want jewelry?"
"Only because you won't give me what I REALLY need," Bodiccea pouted, running a hand down her thigh.
Cain cleared his throat. "Regrettably, I could do nothing to prevent the tragedy that befell Tristram. I fear the Lord of Terror walks the earth once more!"
"You don't sell jewelry, do you, Warriv?"
Warriv shook his head. "No, I manage caravans, not goods."
"Aw, phoo! Not even nipple rings?"
Warriv raised an eyebrow and frowned. "Certainly not."
"How about nipple shields, like Janet Jackson was wearing? Do you think I'd look good with one of those? Or maybe two of them?"
"I said," Cain repeated a bit louder, "The Lord of Terror walks the earth once more!"
"Yeah, yeah," Bodiccea nodded absent-mindedly. "Well... maybe wearing two at the same time would be too much." She looked down at her chest. "On your other hand, too much might not be enough with me. What do you think, Warry-dear?"
Warriv was massaging his temples. "I'm trying not to think about it."
"Well, that's no fun!" Bodiccea pouted, "Oh, I know what you're trying to say! You're really saying, 'Boddy baby, you're perfect just the way you are. You don't need jewelry covering anything up!' All the cheap guys say that."
Heather leaned over and whispered something in Warriv's ear, then stepped away with an innocent smirk on her face. Warriv turned to Bodiccea and smiled. "Maybe Gheed would want to see you in nipple shields."
Bodiccea made a face. "Ew, yuck."
"Especially since they have spikes on the inside to hold them in place."
"Ew! Ok, Janet Jackson is nuts."
Cain plaintively asked, "Doesn't anyone want to hear about the Lord of Terror walking the earth once more?"
"Huh?" Bodiccea said. "Oh, yeah, sure. Um, just a minute." She ran to Gheed's corner of camp. There was a crash like a door being kicked in, the sound of Bodiccea shouting "spiky nipple shields, huh?" and a tremendous banging mingled with cries of pain. The screaming abruptly cut off, and Bodiccea came back, wiping her hands on another piece of Gheed's coat. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
While Cain described the horrors of Tristram, Warriv was gazing up at Gheed, who'd been hoisted over his wagon on a pole shoved through the waistband of his underpants. "I almost feel as though I should salute him."
"Yeah, kind of," Heather agreed. "I didn't know you could swallow your own arm up to the elbow like that."
Warriv shrugged. "I'm more surprised his nipples are intact, frankly. You know, he's been threatening to take the Rogues to court for failing to insure his safety."
Heather rolled her eyes. "Lady Akara can't do anything about it."
"That might be true," Warriv chuckled. "But he will try legal action."
"So why doesn't he sue her? She's the one trying to wedgie him to death."
"You're forgetting one of the first rules of a successful lawsuit: never sue someone who would physically attack you if they lose."
Meanwhile, Cain was just finishing up. "It is clear that Diablo is headed to the east, making for the city of Lut Gholein, where his brother Baal, Lord of Destruction was imprisoned long ago. Andarial must be in league with him, and is here to block pursuit through the pass. It is imperative that you make your way through the monastery, destroy the Queen of Anguish, and halt Diablo before he reaches his goal!"
Bodiccea was quietly nodding. "Uh-huh. You know, my uncle Acheor has shoes almost exactly like those. Are they prescription or something?"
Cain frowned disapprovingly. "If Diablo locates his brother Baal --"
"Okay, okay!" Bodiccea smiled. "I'm on it. Just gotta clear the pass first. Andarial's got a lot of minions running around."
"The danger will be great," Cain said, "but worse still if Diablo is able to reunite with his brother demons! The Three together --"
"Would be unstoppable, they'd drench the world in a wave of blood and nightmares, we'll have Hellspawn coming out of our beer mugs, dogs and cats living together, uncontrollable mass hysteria... I get it. First, Andarial. After her, we deal with the big boys."
"Hmm, yes," Cain said, calming down. "Well, you must, of course, strive towards your goal one step at a time, but it is important be aware of where your steps are taking you."
"Sure. I know where I'm going, and it's gonna take a while. You wait right here, ok? I'll be back soon."
From the waypoint, Bodiccea and Heather ran to clean out one last bit of the Dark Wood, near the center. It was worth the trip: they killed a set of four Champion Carvers, each its own color. The Berserker was cobalt blue (or maybe "kobold" blue), a lot nicer than the usual Carver baby blue. The Forgotten Tower was right next to the Black Marsh entrance, and the waypoint was on the other side of the river running through the middle.
Their first encounter was a spectral hit Blood Hawk pack. Next was an extra fast Night Clan herd and a group of Corrupted Rogue archers. Things got easier after that, until Bodiccea's spear started splintering. It was easy to fix, of course, but after another couple of Carver camps, it started breaking again. Damn that low durability. Why'd Blizzard saddle spears with that, anyway? In reality, swords need the most maintenance. Whatever, the socketed spear wasn't cutting it anymore. It took too long to kill anything. Gheed has some tridents, but they're so slow... Maybe she could pester the Mule for one of the low level unique spears? Sure, they suck, but all low level uniques suck, and they can't suck as much as the ones Charsi has...
They didn't find much in the Black Marsh. Bodiccea kept kicking the fallen logs, expecting something to pop out, which confused the heck out of Heather. "Why are you doing that?"
"Force of habit," Bodiccea said. "They hide stuff in logs in Kurast."
"Oh. I guess that makes sense."
"There's so much stuff hidden around here it's screwy. Heck, every third rock on the Stony Field had goodies under it. I mean, is it supposed to be that hundreds of thousands of people came through the pass, hid things under rocks, then forgot which rock?"
Heather shrugged. "Well, this kind of is the only easy way from the western kingdoms to the Twin Seas. Unless you go by boat."
"And how the heck do you fit a polearm under a rock?"
"You got that off that Blood Hawk."
"Even worse!" Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, well. It'll only get stranger. Wait 'til you see Flayers dropping pikes and full plate armor."
Heather smirked. "The anticipation is killing me."
"Hey!" Bodiccea glared at Heather. "Sassy is good, sarcastic is not."
"Oh, sorry."
"Yeah. The Flayers will be what kills you."
The Hole was in the first half of the Black Marsh, on the other side from the tower. Inside, there were Corrupted Archers, Brutes, and a pack of Misshapen with the Fanaticism aura, in addition to the usual Carver camps. One of the Brutes was fire enchanted, but that wasn't a problem at this point. There were lots of Rogues, both corrupted and dead... man, the cheesecake is laid on thick in this act. Might that be because Act I got released as a demo to help sell the game? Nah, probably just a coincidence. Level 2 of The Hole was Carvers, Carvers, and more Carvers. One corner had a boss pack, 4 Champions, and two Shamans together in one group. This Golden Chest of Joy was well earned.
Outside, Bodiccea hit an experience shrine, then the Countess' tower. The place reeked, worse than any undefiled grave, and was full of exploding barrels, Ghosts, Blood Clan goats, Dark Archers, and a unique Devilkin pack. The usual, in other words. Bodiccea still didn't get the point of exploding barrels. Hiding Skeletons or Zombies in a barrel to jump out, sure, but what were they keeping in there that would blow up? One pack of Champions included that rare and ridiculous beast, the Ghostly Ghost. It was yellow, or maybe orange -- it's kind of hard to tell when every monster turns blue the second your Rogue sees it.
Way, way down, past more cellars than anybody would ever need for anything, Bodiccea and Heather found the lowest level of the tower. Right outside the entrance chamber was a lightning enchanted Blood goat -- exactly what she didn't want while she was stuck with a low damage weapon and no lightning resistance. Impale and a lot of life leech worked well on it, and the rest of the pack brought Bodiccea's health up to full again. Instead of clearing the side chambers first, Bodiccea decided to get the Countess first.
In the back of the hall, past the cauldron of boiling virgin's blood, Bodiccea and Heather met one last pack of Ghosts. Some of the Countess' minions came out and tried to lure them into her chamber; they killed the Ghosts first, then went in. Firewalls sprung up in the entrances, and the Countess' giggle echoed through the chamber.
The battle went smoothly. It's hard to find a really challenging fight in Act I anyway, and Sigon's gear made everything easy. The Countess, her minions, and some Blood Clan goats were in the room, but the speed and life leech took care of everything. Heather didn't even stand in the firewall. Herself dropped Death's Guard and some blues, and there was an El rune in her chest. Typical. The side chambers had gold and a few items, but nothing worth mentioning.
"Well, that was boring," Bodiccea said after they portalled back to town.
"Yeah, I guess." Heather bit her lip. "Everything in there was really scary-looking, but not that hard to kill."
"Nope. Good money, though."
"Hey!" Kashya shouted as they approached. "You! I want to talk to you."
"Hmm?" Bodiccea asked. "You're not the one who's supposed to ask me to get the Horadric Malus."
"You have heard of the Horadric Malus?" Cain began. "That is a legendary artifact, a tool infused with the raw power of chaos to --"
"Skip it," Kashya cut him off. "Keep your hands off Gheed. He's threatening to take us to court if we don't stop you from abusing him."
Bodiccea hmphed! "What's he doing suing you? He should sue me. Hey, Gheed!"
A high-pitched voice wailed out of a tree next to the Rogue camp wall, "Get the hell away from me, you evil *****!! I'm staying out here with the monsters!"
Bodiccea stood at the gate of the Rogue camp, spear in hand and a fist on her hip, and announced to the tree, "This is to hereby notify you, party of the first part, that I, party of the partying part, that I am suing you for suing the Rogues and not suing me!"
The tree was silent for a moment... then laughed. "Very well. I agree to drop my suit against the Rogues... if you agree to abide by the court's decision after I sue you!"
"Sure."
"And to behave yourself in the courtroom?"
"No prob. Now get down here and take your medicine for being such a jerk!"
"Oh, no," the tree laughed again. "I'm staying right here until our court date."
"Where do you think you're going to find a judge around here, anyway? Or do you think Akara's going to do it?"
The tree shook with laughter. "You just wait. You'll see."
"Well, that's mighty white of you," Bodiccea smiled. "You want this ring? I've got no use for a Bronze Ring of Light."
Cain regarded the ring, shaking his head slightly. "Akara told me that she would give you such a reward. Though not the most powerful item I have seen, you must understand that it is the best she can do for the moment. She and I are both truly grateful."
"Eh, no biggie. You're both in the same boat: lost, homeless, and in a hell of a situation." Then she grinned and glanced over at Warriv. "So, Warriv... how come you've never shown me your eternal gratitude with fine jewelry?"
Warriv, who'd obviously been hoping she wouldn't notice him, glanced heavenwards and mumbled, "Are you sure you only want jewelry?"
"Only because you won't give me what I REALLY need," Bodiccea pouted, running a hand down her thigh.
Cain cleared his throat. "Regrettably, I could do nothing to prevent the tragedy that befell Tristram. I fear the Lord of Terror walks the earth once more!"
"You don't sell jewelry, do you, Warriv?"
Warriv shook his head. "No, I manage caravans, not goods."
"Aw, phoo! Not even nipple rings?"
Warriv raised an eyebrow and frowned. "Certainly not."
"How about nipple shields, like Janet Jackson was wearing? Do you think I'd look good with one of those? Or maybe two of them?"
"I said," Cain repeated a bit louder, "The Lord of Terror walks the earth once more!"
"Yeah, yeah," Bodiccea nodded absent-mindedly. "Well... maybe wearing two at the same time would be too much." She looked down at her chest. "On your other hand, too much might not be enough with me. What do you think, Warry-dear?"
Warriv was massaging his temples. "I'm trying not to think about it."
"Well, that's no fun!" Bodiccea pouted, "Oh, I know what you're trying to say! You're really saying, 'Boddy baby, you're perfect just the way you are. You don't need jewelry covering anything up!' All the cheap guys say that."
Heather leaned over and whispered something in Warriv's ear, then stepped away with an innocent smirk on her face. Warriv turned to Bodiccea and smiled. "Maybe Gheed would want to see you in nipple shields."
Bodiccea made a face. "Ew, yuck."
"Especially since they have spikes on the inside to hold them in place."
"Ew! Ok, Janet Jackson is nuts."
Cain plaintively asked, "Doesn't anyone want to hear about the Lord of Terror walking the earth once more?"
"Huh?" Bodiccea said. "Oh, yeah, sure. Um, just a minute." She ran to Gheed's corner of camp. There was a crash like a door being kicked in, the sound of Bodiccea shouting "spiky nipple shields, huh?" and a tremendous banging mingled with cries of pain. The screaming abruptly cut off, and Bodiccea came back, wiping her hands on another piece of Gheed's coat. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
While Cain described the horrors of Tristram, Warriv was gazing up at Gheed, who'd been hoisted over his wagon on a pole shoved through the waistband of his underpants. "I almost feel as though I should salute him."
"Yeah, kind of," Heather agreed. "I didn't know you could swallow your own arm up to the elbow like that."
Warriv shrugged. "I'm more surprised his nipples are intact, frankly. You know, he's been threatening to take the Rogues to court for failing to insure his safety."
Heather rolled her eyes. "Lady Akara can't do anything about it."
"That might be true," Warriv chuckled. "But he will try legal action."
"So why doesn't he sue her? She's the one trying to wedgie him to death."
"You're forgetting one of the first rules of a successful lawsuit: never sue someone who would physically attack you if they lose."
Meanwhile, Cain was just finishing up. "It is clear that Diablo is headed to the east, making for the city of Lut Gholein, where his brother Baal, Lord of Destruction was imprisoned long ago. Andarial must be in league with him, and is here to block pursuit through the pass. It is imperative that you make your way through the monastery, destroy the Queen of Anguish, and halt Diablo before he reaches his goal!"
Bodiccea was quietly nodding. "Uh-huh. You know, my uncle Acheor has shoes almost exactly like those. Are they prescription or something?"
Cain frowned disapprovingly. "If Diablo locates his brother Baal --"
"Okay, okay!" Bodiccea smiled. "I'm on it. Just gotta clear the pass first. Andarial's got a lot of minions running around."
"The danger will be great," Cain said, "but worse still if Diablo is able to reunite with his brother demons! The Three together --"
"Would be unstoppable, they'd drench the world in a wave of blood and nightmares, we'll have Hellspawn coming out of our beer mugs, dogs and cats living together, uncontrollable mass hysteria... I get it. First, Andarial. After her, we deal with the big boys."
"Hmm, yes," Cain said, calming down. "Well, you must, of course, strive towards your goal one step at a time, but it is important be aware of where your steps are taking you."
"Sure. I know where I'm going, and it's gonna take a while. You wait right here, ok? I'll be back soon."
From the waypoint, Bodiccea and Heather ran to clean out one last bit of the Dark Wood, near the center. It was worth the trip: they killed a set of four Champion Carvers, each its own color. The Berserker was cobalt blue (or maybe "kobold" blue), a lot nicer than the usual Carver baby blue. The Forgotten Tower was right next to the Black Marsh entrance, and the waypoint was on the other side of the river running through the middle.
Their first encounter was a spectral hit Blood Hawk pack. Next was an extra fast Night Clan herd and a group of Corrupted Rogue archers. Things got easier after that, until Bodiccea's spear started splintering. It was easy to fix, of course, but after another couple of Carver camps, it started breaking again. Damn that low durability. Why'd Blizzard saddle spears with that, anyway? In reality, swords need the most maintenance. Whatever, the socketed spear wasn't cutting it anymore. It took too long to kill anything. Gheed has some tridents, but they're so slow... Maybe she could pester the Mule for one of the low level unique spears? Sure, they suck, but all low level uniques suck, and they can't suck as much as the ones Charsi has...
They didn't find much in the Black Marsh. Bodiccea kept kicking the fallen logs, expecting something to pop out, which confused the heck out of Heather. "Why are you doing that?"
"Force of habit," Bodiccea said. "They hide stuff in logs in Kurast."
"Oh. I guess that makes sense."
"There's so much stuff hidden around here it's screwy. Heck, every third rock on the Stony Field had goodies under it. I mean, is it supposed to be that hundreds of thousands of people came through the pass, hid things under rocks, then forgot which rock?"
Heather shrugged. "Well, this kind of is the only easy way from the western kingdoms to the Twin Seas. Unless you go by boat."
"And how the heck do you fit a polearm under a rock?"
"You got that off that Blood Hawk."
"Even worse!" Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, well. It'll only get stranger. Wait 'til you see Flayers dropping pikes and full plate armor."
Heather smirked. "The anticipation is killing me."
"Hey!" Bodiccea glared at Heather. "Sassy is good, sarcastic is not."
"Oh, sorry."
"Yeah. The Flayers will be what kills you."
The Hole was in the first half of the Black Marsh, on the other side from the tower. Inside, there were Corrupted Archers, Brutes, and a pack of Misshapen with the Fanaticism aura, in addition to the usual Carver camps. One of the Brutes was fire enchanted, but that wasn't a problem at this point. There were lots of Rogues, both corrupted and dead... man, the cheesecake is laid on thick in this act. Might that be because Act I got released as a demo to help sell the game? Nah, probably just a coincidence. Level 2 of The Hole was Carvers, Carvers, and more Carvers. One corner had a boss pack, 4 Champions, and two Shamans together in one group. This Golden Chest of Joy was well earned.
Outside, Bodiccea hit an experience shrine, then the Countess' tower. The place reeked, worse than any undefiled grave, and was full of exploding barrels, Ghosts, Blood Clan goats, Dark Archers, and a unique Devilkin pack. The usual, in other words. Bodiccea still didn't get the point of exploding barrels. Hiding Skeletons or Zombies in a barrel to jump out, sure, but what were they keeping in there that would blow up? One pack of Champions included that rare and ridiculous beast, the Ghostly Ghost. It was yellow, or maybe orange -- it's kind of hard to tell when every monster turns blue the second your Rogue sees it.
Way, way down, past more cellars than anybody would ever need for anything, Bodiccea and Heather found the lowest level of the tower. Right outside the entrance chamber was a lightning enchanted Blood goat -- exactly what she didn't want while she was stuck with a low damage weapon and no lightning resistance. Impale and a lot of life leech worked well on it, and the rest of the pack brought Bodiccea's health up to full again. Instead of clearing the side chambers first, Bodiccea decided to get the Countess first.
In the back of the hall, past the cauldron of boiling virgin's blood, Bodiccea and Heather met one last pack of Ghosts. Some of the Countess' minions came out and tried to lure them into her chamber; they killed the Ghosts first, then went in. Firewalls sprung up in the entrances, and the Countess' giggle echoed through the chamber.
The battle went smoothly. It's hard to find a really challenging fight in Act I anyway, and Sigon's gear made everything easy. The Countess, her minions, and some Blood Clan goats were in the room, but the speed and life leech took care of everything. Heather didn't even stand in the firewall. Herself dropped Death's Guard and some blues, and there was an El rune in her chest. Typical. The side chambers had gold and a few items, but nothing worth mentioning.
"Well, that was boring," Bodiccea said after they portalled back to town.
"Yeah, I guess." Heather bit her lip. "Everything in there was really scary-looking, but not that hard to kill."
"Nope. Good money, though."
"Hey!" Kashya shouted as they approached. "You! I want to talk to you."
"Hmm?" Bodiccea asked. "You're not the one who's supposed to ask me to get the Horadric Malus."
"You have heard of the Horadric Malus?" Cain began. "That is a legendary artifact, a tool infused with the raw power of chaos to --"
"Skip it," Kashya cut him off. "Keep your hands off Gheed. He's threatening to take us to court if we don't stop you from abusing him."
Bodiccea hmphed! "What's he doing suing you? He should sue me. Hey, Gheed!"
A high-pitched voice wailed out of a tree next to the Rogue camp wall, "Get the hell away from me, you evil *****!! I'm staying out here with the monsters!"
Bodiccea stood at the gate of the Rogue camp, spear in hand and a fist on her hip, and announced to the tree, "This is to hereby notify you, party of the first part, that I, party of the partying part, that I am suing you for suing the Rogues and not suing me!"
The tree was silent for a moment... then laughed. "Very well. I agree to drop my suit against the Rogues... if you agree to abide by the court's decision after I sue you!"
"Sure."
"And to behave yourself in the courtroom?"
"No prob. Now get down here and take your medicine for being such a jerk!"
"Oh, no," the tree laughed again. "I'm staying right here until our court date."
"Where do you think you're going to find a judge around here, anyway? Or do you think Akara's going to do it?"
The tree shook with laughter. "You just wait. You'll see."
