Grand Tour, pt. 7

"Ok, here it is." The cafe was small and close, packed between two buildings, but it was clean and the air smelled fresh. The setting sun shone down the street outside, lighting the cafe's patio with a mild warm glow. Khaleel pulled Heather's chair out, and she sat down with a nervous smile. A server dropped off two small black bottles and a basket of bread.
"What's in the bottles?" she asked.
"I think it's beer," Khaleel sat down. "It's a medieval city, the water's not that great."
"Oh," Heather nodded, fidgeting a little.
Khaleel pried the cork out of one bottle and tasted a bit. "Yeah, beer. Kind of weak."
"Yeah. I guess since it's complimentary, huh?" Heather smiled, and tried to get the cork out of her bottle. The edge crumbled, leaving the bottle jammed closed.
"Oh, uh, here, take mine." Khaleel shoved his bottle across the table and tried to take hers. "Maybe I can get that out."
"It's ok," Heather said, digging into the cork with an arrow tip. "I think I can get it." More gouges came out of the cork; it was soon in danger of crumbling completely and falling inside the bottle.
"Um, it's gonna ruin the taste... I know a trick that can get that."
"Oh. What is it?" Heather put the bottle down on the table, and Khaleel took it.
"You shake the bottle a little, so there's pressure inside," he said, demonstrating. "Then you get the point of a knife and pry in from the edge..."
Very shortly, his efforts were rewarded with a fountain of weak beer and cork fragments. After wiping his face, Khaleel flicked one last bit of cork away from the lip of the bottle and grinned in embarrassment. "I guess that got it."
Heather laughed once, then stopped. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah... just a little wet. It's cool."
Grinning a little, but still concerned, she observed, "Your robe looks like silk..."
"Oh! No way," Khaleel shook his head. "Vizjerei robes are supposed to be silk, but I think it's rayon. You can't go tromping through demon guts in silk."
The waiter finally arrived. After glancing disapprovingly at Khaleel, he turned to Heather and asked, "How may I serve you, madam and monsieur?"
"Um..." Heather glanced around, looking for a menu. "Uh..."
"I'll take a double-roast mocha espresso."
"Thank you, sir. And for you, my lady?"
"Uh... coffee, I guess."
The waiter looked nonplused. Khaleel cleared his throat, and said, "Uh, I don't think they have just coffee here. How about an espresso?"
She shook her head. "I don't want to be up all night."
"Oh," he nodded, then smiled a little. "There's always the house wine?"
Heather smiled. "Okay."
"One gold bottle," Khaleel ordered. "And forget the mocha."
"Very good, sir." The waiter quickly left.
Outside on the street, two men came by, an archer and a swordsman. They stopped, and the swordsman turned to peer around behind them; he didn't seem to see anything, and they continued on. Heather peered after them as they left. "What was that about?"
"Nothing," Khaleel shrugged. "They come by every so often."
Heather's gaze, meanwhile, had wandered inside the cafe to a nearby table. She made a small noise of surprise and pointed. Khaleel looked over; it was Varnae. "Hey!"
"Don't mind me, dear boy," he purred, ignoring a dark figure as it flitted into the shadow of a column at the patio's edge "Please resume your clumsy attempt at seduction."
After a pause, the figure slipped away from the cafe, slipping from shadow to shadow behind the two armed men as they entered a nearby mansion. Neither Khaleel nor anyone else noticed. "What the hell are you doing here!?"
"Chaperoning, my boy," Varnae smiled. "We couldn't leave you two little love birds alone now, could we?"
As the waiter left them a golden bottle of wine and two gold goblets, Khaleel snarled, "We do not need a chaperone!"
"Oh, dear!" Varnae sighed, and gazed heavenwards in exasperation. "Whatever am I to do with you? All the effort of raising a mercenary properly, instilling respect for the rules of etiquette which form the foundation of polite society, and in the end, he turns and bites the hand that feeds him. Ah, me..."
"Aw, c'mon," Kasim said from another table he was sharing with Klatu and Amanita. "That chaperone crap went out of style years ago."
"Thank god," Amanita laughed, then leaned over to ask Heather, "You did bring protection, right?"
"What?!" Heather gasped.
Paige: "Amy! Heather's not like that."
Mizor: (sitting across three chairs, chewing a piece of honeycomb) "Naaumffrsate." (tries to give Khaleel a thumbs-up)
Kasim looked at Klatu. "So, do you think she's a moaner or a screamer?"
"HEY!" Khaleel stood up. "Get the hell out of here! All of you!"
"It's a public place," Amanita leaned back and put her feet up on the table. "We can stay as long as we want."
The shadowy figure no one saw the first time oozed back around the corner; the wine and goblets went missing from Khaleel's table, again without anyone noticing. "Look! We are just trying to talk! There is nothing going on!"
"So your objection to a chaperone is entirely without cause," Varnae observed smugly. "It is most gratifying to see that my efforts at civilising you were not completely wasted."
Paige: "Come on, pasty. They don't need a chaperone."
"That's true," Kasim grinned. "I mean, this is wiz-boy..."
Klatu laughed. "He can't strike out every time."
Mizor: (frowns) "Rrrarreehepsornoo!"
Paige: (laughs) "You tell 'em, boss."
Kasim frowned, staring at Mizor. "Ok, what'd he say?"
Paige: "That he probably gets more than you."
"No damn way!"
"Deadboy probably just wants to watch," Amanita smirked.
"My dear," Varnae gazed disapprovingly at her. "What one does in one's private time is entirely one's own business. Youth, however, must be guided with a steady hand. Unless the need for discretion in one's affairs is imposed early and often, all manner of unacceptable behaviour will inevitably spill out into polite society, confounding all concerned."
Outside, an arrow with a rope attached to it thudded into a roof beam, and the shadowy figure shimmied up to a second story ledge. Amanita sighed and said to Varnae, "Look, when you've got something to say, can't you just say it?"
"And deny myself one of the few pleasures that remains to me?" Varnae chuckled. "Your expression is simply priceless, to say nothing of those of your table companions."
Klatu leaned over to Kasim. "Did he call us something bad?"
Scratching his head, Kasim muttered, "I'm not sure."
Paige: "He said you look funny."
"And he's right," Amanita smirked. "Shouldn't you have gotten Teddy-boy to chaperone? He's the Paladin and everything."
"I think not," Varnae sniffed. "Even a mercenary should be allowed to wallow in pleasure, when obligations permit."
Paige: "I think that if they're old enough to drink, they should be old enough to make their own decisions."
Somewhere nearby, a goony voice muttered, "Someone makin' noise?" After the crack of a blackjack meeting someone's skull, it was quiet again.
Varnae sighed. "That is entirely beside the issue. The purpose of a chaperone is to teach discretion, and a certain amount of deviousness. If dear Khaleel were allowed to indulge his lower impulses freely, without strong and immediate disapproval, his undeveloped mind might not grasp the importance of keeping his disgusting little dalliances to himself. That, I believe, is something we all could agree on."
"Trust me," Amanita laughed, "no one's gonna tell you anything."
Paige: "Guys, come on. Khaleel's not so bad."
"You were sure pissed off at him before," Kasim said.
Paige: "That's 'cause you were telling him what to do before."
He guffawed. "Yeah, like it's my fault he's a dork."
"Hmm," Varnae mused, looking around. "It seems he and his paramour have taken their lesson in deviousness entirely too well."
Sure enough, Khaleel and Heather were gone, along with the bread and Varnae's bottle of wine. "Huh," Kasim grinned. "Little bastard. Where'd he go?"

It was night, on a strange island under a pure black sky shimmering with alien constellations. Strange buildings crowded onto the small island -- giant gears, a broken clock tower, and a rocket ship that would never fly. Little broke the silence; the sound of waves hummed under the rush of wind in the trees and the gentle clink of wine glasses. "This is beautiful."
"Yeah," Khaleel grinned. "It's Myst. We ran through it once, doing the puzzles. Well... I ran through it. Kasim and Klatu didn't really do a whole lot."
"It's a puzzle game?" Heather asked, sipping a bit of wine.
"Uh huh. One of the best. Not much replay value, you have to stay away from it until you've forgotten everything. Nothing's happened here in... over a year now."
"Oh," she nodded.
He nodded, grinning nervously. "Yeah... I doubt anybody else remembers it's here."
"That's a shame, it's so pretty." She looked down -- her glass was empty.
"Oops! Uh, mine's empty too."
She smiled. "You pour."
"Okay," he grabbed what was left of the bottle. "There's lots of beautiful things here."
Heather blinked a bit, then turned away, blushing fiercely. "Oh..."
"Naw, I mean it," Khaleel smiled, trying to refill their glasses without spilling.
"It's the wine," she said. "It's good."
"Yeah. Pasty knows how to pick wine."
He grinned, and they both laughed. "Yeah," she said, draining half of her glass. "Nothing's happened here in a year?"
"Uh... no, I don't think so."
"Oh." Flushed with wine and weaving slightly where she sat, Heather finally broke into a smile and said, "Maybe we can change that."

The sun was just breaking away from the horizon when Heather quietly opened the door to the house she and Bodiccea had commandeered. One pile of furs near the back of the room was breathing, so she tip-toed over to the other. She was just putting her bow down when a snort announced that Bodiccea had woken. "Hi, Miss B."
"Wooza," Bodiccea looked around blearily. "Oh, it's you. Where you been?"
"I just went out for a while. How's things here?"
"Lousy," Bodiccea sat up, shivering as the air hit her. "Reg and I spent the whole night talking feminism with Qual-Kehk and the testosterone horde. Gawd, I hate feminism."
Heather slowly nodded. "You know, somehow, I kind of knew that."
"Ha. You a feminist, Heather?"
"Um... I guess. I mean, equal rights and equal pay and things like that are good."
"Oh, yeah, sure, that's all good. What I don't like is all the shrieking and theorizing and a bunch of big ugly bull-dykes in serious clothes. It's boring."
"Huh," Heather thought for a minute. "I know everybody talks about women like that, but I don't think I've ever actually seen one."
"There are some," Bodiccea grumbled, reaching for her armor. "Hey..."
"What?"
Bodiccea sniffed the air. "I smell booze."
"Oh, uh, yeah..." Heather picked her bow up again. "We kind of had something to drink, when I went out just now."
"We?"
After taking a deep breath, Heather nodded defiantly. "Yeah. I was out with someone."
Bodiccea stared at her. "All night?"
" ... Yes. All night."
She stared a few seconds more... then jumped out of bed and gave Heather a hug. "WOO HOO! Yowp, cold floor! You stopped being boring! Congrats!"
"Oof!" Heather coughed, then protested, "What do you mean, boring?"
"Heather! You're always the one who hangs around in the back going 'that isn't a good idea, Miss B' or 'I don't like you dressing like that, Miss B' or 'maybe we should do something else, Miss B' and crap like that. It's been like going around with my mom."
"Oh," Heather said, not sure how she should respond to that.
"Wow, you do smell," Bodiccea said, letting go to go get her stuff. "You must have put away a lot. Did you get any sleep at all?"
"Uh... no, I didn't."
Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, man, you're gonna be wasted today. We're going to the Arreat Plateau, then the ice caves. There's gonna be Frenzy-taurs in there."
"Oh," Heather blinked blearily. "Good."
"And another mini-hell, maybe some in there. Keep in back of me and Reg, ok?"
"I always try, Miss B. Um... can I ask you for something?"
"Sure," Bodiccea looked concerned. "What is it?"
"I'm glad you're not mad about me leaving for the night... but could you not, um... like, go around telling other people about it? I know you probably think it's no big deal..."
"Aw, Heather," Bodiccea shook her head. "I wasn't going to anyway."
Heather sighed with relief. "Thank you."
"No, not for you, for me," Bodiccea grumped. "I mean, look at me. I'm wearing sensible clothes, stay up all night talking feminism, and my valk and my merc are getting more action than me. Word gets out, people'll start thinking I've gone soft and I'll have to do something really stupid like take on Baal's minions naked or something."
Heather laughed. "There's guys who'd pay money to see that."
"Don't encourage me, Heather. Now, get your drunken butt in gear: it's time to find Anya."
 
:lol: I actually hated Myst. Took me forever to figure things out and I got bored. I like the way the story is going though :thumbsup:
 
Ravenforce3 said:
I'm anxiously awaiting her first meeting with the Succubi. They have SO much in common.
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Funny, one of the first things I thought of about Bodiccea, way back in act I, was how she and Succubi would react to each other. And darn it, Myst is a good game. It just takes patience, and long pauses to forget how you solve the puzzles. It's still one of the prettiest games out there. :thumbsup:

Stony
 
Vildecor said:
Ah...but Myst was a great game! The sequel rocked too.
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If I may be so bold as to put words in my husband's mouth, Stony has been thinking for a while now of getting Riven in there somehow. I think the D'ni counting toy will give Varnae a pang of childhood nostalgia.
 
The D'ni counting game was charming. Varnae would have loved it, but I'm running out of story and Riven may not make it in there. Weird... back when I started this, I was worried I might run out of ideas before I was finished.

Stony
 
It didn't take long to find Regulix -- she was conversing with Larzuk -- and soon Bodiccea was leading her merry band back onto the Arreat Plateau. On their way to the second wall, they found an exploding shrine, and agreed that Barbarian shrines are among the nastiest-looking in the whole game. Kurast's are made of bones too, but Baba ones have a lot more fresh blood and grue. There was also a little Baba house, with fences, banners just like ones back in the Rogue camp (lazy graphics designers) and the dead bodies of Mr. and Mrs. Nelson outside. Bodiccea reached level 39 about the time they hit the wall.

There were two Babas running around up there: one was swinging ineffectually at Imps and bumping into the wall, but the other had been backed into a corner by close to a dozen slaves, all primed to explode. Bodiccea decided to let Heather and Regulix take care of that crowd while she killed a nearby tower. Past the wall, they ran around for a while, killing and looting uneventfully. There was a Lasher with Holy Shock, but thanks to careful application of Decoys, he never targeted anybody who could get hurt.

The next mini-hell was the Pit of Acheron, and a fine mini-hell it was. There were Overlords and Ice Boars instead of Imps, but otherwise it was the same as the one before. Bodiccea didn't bother to change armor this time; stifling a yawn, she led them out onto the islands and let Heather snipe. Sniping worked much better with Kuko. It was kind of fun watching the slaves explode from a safe distance. The next island had a Night Lord boss, which she also sniped. He dropped Isenhart's Case, of course.

Later, as they crossed a bridge, two big groups of monsters attacked them. On one side, a bunch of Night Lords, with a boss Hell Lord pack right behind them. On the other, a dozen exploding Boars and lots of frenzied normal ones. Thinking quickly, Bodiccea cast a Decoy by the frenzy-taurs and retreated to the bridge, letting Regulix go in first. Once the exploders were gone, she recast the frenzy-taur Decoy and ran like a bunny through the remaining Boars to get the Overlords behind them. Mopping that side of the equation up didn't take too long, giving them plenty of room to maneuver as they went back to the frenzy-taurs... who by this time, were completely charged up from destroying the Decoy. "Maybe I should have done that the other way around," Bodiccea thought as nine walls of frenzied muscle came barreling down on them like drunk frat boys invading a sorority.

This was no time to risk the Fend bug -- Bodiccea switched to Jab and hoped 24% life leech would be enough. They were quickly surrounded; even Heather got three of them to deal with. Gritting her teeth, Bodiccea jabbed and jabbed a Night Lord until it died. Heather was taking serious damage, even with Regulix helping her; Bodiccea decided to take the risk and switched to Fend. It worked -- another Night Lord went down. That left three Hell Lords for her, including the boss. Heather had managed to kill one of hers and Regulix was working on a second, paying no attention to the last Hell Lord pounding away on her back. After hitting a potion for Heather, Bodiccea moved two steps closer to her, so all the frenzy-taurs were within reach of her spear. Once she started Fending, they all turned on her, but that suited her fine -- she had them where she wanted them, so it was just a matter of time.

"You ok, Heather?"
"Ow ow ow ow... yes."
"Ok. Sorry, I guess I blew it."
"What?" Heather stared at her in confusion. "How?"
"I'm thinking," Bodiccea kicked a dead Hell Lord, "I should have Decoyed the exploders and taken these guys on first. Slaves explode on a Decoy, but the frenzy-taurs just used it to charge up."
Regulix shook her head. "Not all of the Ice Boars were energized. Your Decoy would have neutralized some of them, but the remainder would have attacked from behind as we fought the minotaurs."
"Yeah," Heather said. "Those bull-men are scary. I don't think there's much we could do about them, no matter what."
"Heh," Bodiccea said. "Yeah, I guess there should be at least one monster in the game that isn't safe to deal with, no matter what you do."
"Another possibility would be to meet them on the bridge," Regulix suggested. "In such a narrow place, only one or two attackers could come at a time. A lone defender could hold them off while an archer weakens them from a position of safety."
"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea smiled ruefully. "I remember somebody talking about crap like that back in school."
"It is a good strategy. You have used it on other occasions."
"Yeah, yeah," Bodiccea nodded. "So I tried something else this time. Heather, next time we have to deal with a whole mess o' frenzy-taurs, retreat to the nearest bridge."
"What about when we're in the Worldstone Keep?"
"Wing it." Bodiccea grinned. "Life is better if you live it on impulse."
Heather smirked. "Is that because you never think far enough ahead to make plans?"
"Shut up, Heather. I'm a blonde, what do you expect? Let's finish this place off, it's boring down here."

The golden chest o' joy had a two-socket staff with a bonus to Fireball. Some Sorcie would like to put "Leaf" in that, so Bodiccea tucked it away for The Mule and started the long run back to the plateau. Running in full plate is very tiring. Back in Diablo I, anybody could learn how to Teleport. On the other hand, nobody could run, and running is a good thing. The second wall was the last; all that was left was Sharptooth Slayer, some Imps, and the first Evil Urn. The Urn coughed up gold and a few baby spiders, which really shouldn't have lived long on the ice. No monsters -- the first hit's always free.

Inside the Crystalline Passage, their first encounter was some Moon Lords, also known as red bulls. "Hey Heather," she said after killing the last one, "did I ever tell you about the time I tried some Red Bull?"
"The hyper-caffeinated drink?" Heather asked with alarm.
"Yeah! That was so freaky. I couldn't sleep for three days, and all my friends avoided me for weeks after. I don't remember what I said or did. Must have been good, though! I think I see something around that corner. Let's go get 'em!"
Hiding around the next corner were three Succubi. Stygian Harlots, to be more accurate: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. As our heroines came into view, they hissed, leaped to the attack... and stopped dead. "Ohmigosh," the blonde squealed, "before they kill us, I've GOT to find out how she does her hair!"
"And the mascara!" the brunette gasped! "No! Those CAN'T be her real eyelashes!"
"They've gotta be," the redhead shook her head, "I know false lashes when I see them, and those are real, baby."
"Yep," Bodiccea grinned, and breathed in deep. "I grew it all myself."
All three of them GASPED and stared. "I am so jealous."
"I'm more jealous than you are."
The redhead tsked, giving the others a disapproving look. "I'm almost jealous. Girls, the plate armor. Serious fashion faux pas."
"Hey!" Bodiccea yelled, looking defensive. "It's freezing down here!"
"You're telling us?" they said in unison.
"Uh... Miss B? Reg and I think we should kill them now."
"Later, Heather." She turned back to the Succubi. "I had some leathers that were just to die for before --"
The brunette grinned evilly. As you might expect, she was fantastic at it. "Ooh, leather. Good choice. I hope you got them in black?"
"No, they're red."
"Even better!" the redhead said, sticking her tongue out at the brunette. "I'm sorry, your hair is your saving grace, but that plate make your hips look huge."
"I know," Bodiccea pouted. "Sometimes, I wish I could find the men -- and you know it's men -- who designed this stuff and make them wear it for a while."
The brunette shook her head. "That is exactly the problem: they just don't care."
"You'll never catch me in that stuff," the redhead sniffed. "I know, I know, comfort and all that, but there are some sacrifices that should never be made."
"Girls!" the blonde whined, hopping up and down in frustration. "Her hair! I want to know how she gets her hair to look like that!"
"And your eyes!" the brunette agreed. "Tell! Tell!"
"Ok, ok!" Bodiccea grinned. "The eyes are easy: Lady Madeline's on Philios sells the world's best mascara. It is AMAZING: no clumping, no running, and it's almost impossible to get it in your eyes no matter what! The only problem is that it's not really that dark, but my coloring is so light I can get away with it."
"Ooh!" the blonde and redhead squealed. The brunette sulked. "Damn it! I can never get my lashes to look the way I want."
"Have you tried using a lighter eye shadow?" Bodiccea suggested. "I notice you're wearing it pretty dark. Maybe something for a little more contrast... ?"
The Succubus hesitated. "Oh. I use dark eye shadow because... I have a little trouble with my eyebrows. I've tried plucking them, and trims, but they get so thick..."
The redhead grinned, fangs glistening. "Yes... she has a problem with hair."
The blonde was giggling. "You should hear her scream when she gets a bikini wax."
"Ouch! I understand completely," Bodiccea nodded, dragging out her makeup kit. "What I am going to suggest is a blue eye shadow with just a little eyeliner. I know, blue went out ages ago, but I think with some lavender highlights, a line of plum under the brows, and none of that damn glitter, we can make it work. Wow, you have fair skin. Is that natural, or just the cold?"
"It's natural," the brunette glowered, and puffs of steam rose from her ears. "We're hot-blooded wenches. It helps when we need to break the ice."
"I'll bet. Let me see... yeah, blue works on you. Now, you're going to need a new lip color to go with this...."
"Is my lip color all right?" the redhead asked.
Bodiccea smiled. "Your lip color is fine; ruby red is your thing! But you need to balance it with the right color in your cheeks; your rogue is too red and it's on much too thick..."
A few minutes later, the four of them were kneeling on the floor in a circle, trading tips and advice on makeup, hair, clothes, diets, and feminine hygiene products. Bodiccea was going over the brunette and the redhead in turn, and describing her personal hair care regimen to the blonde. They gave Bodiccea all kinds of advice on fashions, including ways to conceal figure flaws even if you were practically naked. Delighted squeals and grateful compliments came freely. Regulix and Heather just stood there and stared. "Perhaps we should have anticipated this," Regulix finally muttered.
Heather was gazing off into the distance. "I could have been hired by a Paladin. I'll bet this doesn't happen with Paladins..."
Regulix laughed. "I hope you do not regret your friendship so much as that."
"No," Heather smiled. "It's just... I don't know. Miss B is kind of distractible."
"That is true, though I do not believe you are any more eager to reach our destination than she."
"Nah." Then she yawned. "I don't really like her talking to them, but I don't think it can hurt anything. I guess I'm just tired. I was up kind of late last night."
"Oh. Was that wine I smelled when we met this morning?"
Heather grinned a little. "Yeah."
"Mmm. Did you get any sleep at all?"
"Um... no."
"You mad, reckless thing, you."
"I am not!" Heather laughed. "Well, maybe just once."
Regulix nodded. "Everyone should be at least once in their lives. And speaking of mad and reckless... Bodiccea, how are you getting on?"
"Great!" Bodiccea smiled. "They're showing me how a Wonderbra works! I can't believe I ignored them when they first came out."
The redhead nodded enthusiastically. "I don't know how I lived without one. They're wonderful! I put one on, and all of a sudden, ooh! Cleavage!"
The blonde laughed, looking down at her own ample chest. "Yeah! Lots of cleavage!"
The brunette snickered cruelly. "For the ones who need help..."
"Shut up, you b!tch!" the blonde hissed. "I do not need it. But more is always better."
"Hell, yes," the redhead licked her lips sensually. "Too much of a good thing is wonderful."
"I don't think I need one either," Bodiccea said, "but if I had one, I could lose some weight but keep my chestline. Then, maybe I could pull off a thong!"
"I think you could wear a thong," the brunette smiled.
The blonde giggled. "Maybe. Kind of hard to tell."
"I'll try later." Bodiccea stood up. "Ok! Thanks for all your help, it's been great talking with you. I've learned so much!"
"Anytime!" the redhead grinned, with many more teeth than is really acceptable.
"Yeah!" the blonde agreed. "It's been so much fun!"
Bodiccea nodded. "Yeah. Now, I hate to be a party pooper, but..." With one furious Fend, she stabbed all three Succubi. They crumbled into dust and bones before one could get a single word out.
Eyebrows raised in curiosity, Regulix quietly said, "Skillfully done."
"Thanks. Hey, we're doing full clears. I couldn't let them go. Besides, they're evil and stuff."
Heather chewed her lower lip, and murmured, "Uh huh."
Nodding, Regulix asked, "Do you plan to stop and converse with all the Succubi?"
"No way. They know a heck of a lot, but that much concentrated b!tchiness gives me a headache. Let's hit the trail. And from now on, kill everything on sight. Ok?"
"Except Anya," Heather noted.
"Well, duh, of course not Anya. I'm not missing out on that resistance scroll. Let's roll."

Besides Moon Lords and Stygian Harlots, they had Frozen Creepers to deal with. Again and again, Bodiccea found herself cursing the rarity of the Cannot Be Frozen mod. Ravenfrost has it, it's level 45. Duriel's Shell has it, it's level 41. Popping an Evil Urn released a pack of Frozen Creepers who put Bodiccea up to level 40... so close. The ice caves went on and on, like most areas in act V. They found wells, and wondered how the water kept from freezing, and a few of those cute little Barbarian jars that look like cakes cut into 6 pieces.

The only excitement came late in the caves, when they ran into a boss Moon Lord and his 7 minions. That was bad enough, but Heather, who was starting to get sleepy, wandered into the middle of the pack. Bodiccea charged in to Fend them off... and started whiffing. Damn. As her health ball started dropping, she cast a quick Decoy and switched to Jab. Regulix got into the tussle, Heather finally wandered away and started doing her job, and the Decoy left this world about 2 seconds after it entered it. Once they'd gotten themselves organized, the frenzy-taurs went down easily, but Heather still needed a potion after it was over.

Finally, in the very last possible corner of the Crystalline Passage, they found the waypoint, the entrance to the Frozen River (guarded by some champion Moon Lords) and the exit to the Glacial Trail. It wasn't too late yet, and Heather said she was all right, so they went through to the Glacial Trail to find the waypoint. The monsters were predictable: Death Slashers (shouldn't they be Death Sock Puncturers?), Frozen Terrors, and the Reanimated Horde. After their first encounter, Bodiccea knew they'd be even more annoying than Imps. Full clears means everything dies, making sure the Reanimated Horde is dead means waiting, and if there was anything Bodiccea hated, it was waiting. Fortunately, the waypoint was right next to the entrance and they found it almost immediately.

Down on the Frozen River, the first monsters they met were Abominables. They were kind of cute in a huge-and-hairy way. Heather wandered into the middle of the fight again, then through to the other side, where she attracted the attention of some Blood Temptresses. She really needed some sleep. Bodiccea asked Regulix to please step on her foot when she started wandering again, and they went on. The Blood Temptresses were much better at presenting themselves than the Stygian Harlots had been. Blue and green complimented their pale complexions beautifully.

A little further on, they met Rot Walkers. There were a lot of Rot Walkers down there, and Bodiccea had to make sure each and every one was completely dead before they could move on. It took damn near forever. Heather reached level 40 while they were crossing and re-crossing the river. An Evil Urn popped out a Conviction-enchanted Abominable almost on top of Regulix. She took it well, though. The Fanaticism-enchanted Frozen Terror further down the river was much worse -- there were Abominables nearby who got the aura. Bodiccea led a quick retreat to separate the two monster groups, which made the fight a lot easier.

The second Evil Urn also released Abominables, but for some reason they appeared on the opposite side of the river. Bodiccea blinked, thought "what the heck?" and looted the armor and weapon racks while Heather sniped. Her aim was kind of off, but it was a big group and Kuko shot explosive arrows, so it worked out. On their way though the last branch of the river, Bodiccea hit level 41. Hopefully, the Mule had left something in her stash... something cuirass-like, hopefully not too chitonous or slimy.

At the end of the branch, they found Frozenstein the Abominable, a few Rot Walkers, and Anya. Regulix was carrying Heather by this point, but Frozenstein only had 3 minions with him, so Bodiccea took care of them by herself. He dropped Death's Guard, which was slightly appropriate. "Hero! N-Nihlathak did this to me!"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, it's getting awful late, and I've gotta get my merc home. I'll go get the stuff from Malah."
Malah was smugly pleased to find out her suspicions were accurate. "So! That snake Nihlathak was responsible..."
"Yep, he's icky. Got the thawing stuff ready?"
"I prepared some beforehand," she said, handing over the bottle. "I suspected he would use a freezing curse as well."
"Great, great. Can I leave Heather here? She's totally spacing."
"Of course... what is --"
Back on the river, Bodiccea gave Anya the potion, cast a portal, and ran down to Anya's house before she'd closed her own gate. "Hi, babe!"
"Thank you, hero, for rescuing me," Anya smiled. "You have proven yourself a true hero to me and my people."
"Thanks," Bodiccea smiled, and yawned. "Do you mind if we have this conversation in the morning? My merc is comatose, and I'm kind of bushed myself. I'm sure you have a lot of catching up to do, so go talk to Cain; for some reason, he knows more about Harrogath than any of the people who live here."
"I am sorry, but this cannot wait! Nihlathak is going to give Baal the Relic of the Ancients, out most holy totem! With it, Baal will not be challenged --"
"Um, Anya?" Bodiccea raised her hand. "Sorry, but anything Nihly was going to do, he's already done."
"But... but there is still hope..."
Bodiccea shook her head. "Sorry, no. Hey, don't worry about it. It's not like it's the end of the world. Talk to you in the morning."
 
Argh... that's what I get for posting at 2 am. I hate words like "rouge" that the spell checker doesn't catch if they're misspelled... The redheaded Succubus does not have a rogue on, that would be both inconvenient and inhumane.

Stony
 
Stony said:
Argh... that's what I get for posting at 2 am. I hate words like "rouge" that the spell checker doesn't catch if they're misspelled... The redheaded Succubus does not have a rogue on, that would be both inconvenient and inhumane.
Click to expand...

At least it's less annoying (and more appropriate... 'where did you find that rogueskin skirt? It's sooo soft!') than the inverse. Much less common too :)
 
Shade said:
At least it's less annoying (and more appropriate... 'where did you find that rogueskin skirt? It's sooo soft!') than the inverse. Much less common too :)
Click to expand...
Hey, Diablo heroes wear demonhide -- why wouldn't the more fashion-conscious demons opt for Rogue hide? I was thinking of her wearing the whole Rogue. I can just picture it.

Succubus: "Oof! That's it, you are going on a diet!"
Rogue: "You're one to talk! It's like trying to cover up a whale these days."
Succubus: "It is not, you cow! And find somewhere to stick that bow, you keep poking me in the ear."
Rogue: "I can think of someplace to stick it, all right..."

Dang. I may have to write another tour so I can use that joke. :lol:

Stony
 
Stony said:
On their way though the last branch of the river, Bodiccea hit level 41. Hopefully, the Mule had left something in her stash... something cuirass-like, hopefully not too chitonous or slimy.
Click to expand...
I always kinda wondered about Duriel's Shell and how it felt to wear it...in fact, how is it that you can wear it in the first place?
 
I don't know about Duriel's Shell. I mean, he's obviously still using it. Ormus still has his robes too. Shouldn't you be able to mug him and get a quick elite unique for yourself? The mind boggles.


The next morning, Bodiccea crawled back to consciousness very slowly. Any ugly, blobby husk was propped up against the opposite wall, with one of The Mule's notes on it: Duriel's Shell, she presumed. The shapeless lump gave armor a bad name: U. G. L. Y. It was anyone's guess what part of Duriel it came from, or how it could be bolted around a human torso and still allow movement. Drifting in and out of focus, Bodiccea stared across the room at the horror meant for her body. That lump of puke has Cannot Be Frozen on it. It is ugly. Being chilled is a pain. It is UGLY. There's other nice stuff on it, it's good armor. IT IS SO UGLY. She rolled over and dozed off. Maybe it would be gone when she woke up again.

Consciousness returned later, bringing some coherence with it this time. Duriel's Shell was gone, and another suit sat glittering in its place. This armor looked smooth and polished, catching the morning light on every link and plate. Suddenly very awake, Bodiccea got up without noticing the morning chill and hefted the armor up in her hands. It was gorgeous, shining silver and gold meant to encase a woman's body in graceful, flattering lines, and yet perform its function as well as any more "practical" armor would... if not better.

"Go ahead. Try it on." Regulix said.
Bodiccea looked up. The Valkyrie was sitting on Heather's empty bed, smiling. She had a new suit of armor on, slightly less beautiful but by no means unpleasant. Of course, Regulix could probably make anything look good. "Earlier, you had asked to borrow my outfit."
"Huh?" Bodiccea mumbled, then her eyes went wide. "I didn't really mean it..."
"Nonsense. You never liked Goldskin, and I believe this will suit you better. Please don't think it is anything fancy that would offend your modesty," she said with a wink, "merely a Templar Coat set with 'Lionheart'. The last rune needed to make it turned up a few months ago, and I think you would benefit from it more than anyone."
Bodiccea gasped, "I can't wear your armor!"
"Yes, you can," Regulix laughed. "I even had it let out for you."
"No! It's not that I'm fat, it's that --"
"You most certainly are not fat," she gently proclaimed. "In my youth, I often wished I had a figure like yours. Now, please accept the armor. I would be very grateful if you would."
For once, Bodiccea couldn't think of a thing to say back. While Regulix helped her buckle the armor on, she timidly asked, "Um... did you mean that?"
"What are you referring to?"
"That you wished you looked like me?"
Regulix smiled softly. "I know full well you will not believe it, but yes. We should not judge ourselves by appearance... and yet we do. There is still a part of me that, when I look in a mirror, sees 'beanpole' looking back." Sighing, she began to speak more softly, "In a great many ways, you are everything I was not. I admire your easy laughter and uninhibited joy of living. While I was alive, I never took much joy from life. It wasn't until life was gone that I realized how much I had missed."
"Um..." Bodiccea murmured, a worried look creeping onto her face.
"Yes?"
"Did I... like, inspire you to go out into Lut Gholein, and..."
Giving her a chastising look, Regulix said, "I thought that was to be No Big Deal."
"Yeah, it is," Bodiccea quickly turned away. "Forget I said it." For a few minutes, only the scrape of steel and the click of buckles was heard in the room, until Bodiccea laughed. "It's weird, 'cause when I first saw you, I wished I looked more like you."
"Thank you," Regulix smiled. "I'm flattered to hear that. Now, let's have a look at you."
The armor was tight in both the chest and the hips. The sleeves were a bit long, and the plates on her rear tended to ride up. "It's perfect," Bodiccea grinned and gave Regulix a big hug. "Now it's official: I Rock."
"Very good. I believe Heather is still at Malah's."
"Probably, she was really wasted last night. Let's pour her out of bed and hit the trail. What's up for today?"
"You will need to speak with Anya. She is very worried and needs reassurance."
"Yeah. Sorry, it was way too late to talk last night. Then comes Nihlathak."
"Yes. His temple should occupy us for most of the day."
"Oh, and Malah's resistance scroll," Bodiccea nodded. "I'll get it when we get Heather."
Regulix thought for a moment. "I believe that will be all."
"That's enough. First, to Malah's!"

Heather was still asleep when they arrived. While Regulix tipped her out of bed and gave her coffee, Bodiccea collected Malah's resistance scroll and read it. The spell required a short magical ceremony, consisting mainly of waving your fist three times in the air and chanting the magical word, "W00T!" Once Heather had been slapped into shape and they'd had some breakfast, they all set out for Anya's.

The noble chieftain's daughter was pacing back and forth outside her house, tense with worry. "Hi," Bodiccea smiled. "Sorry we didn't talk last night."
"I understand," Anya began. "Your friend Deckard Cain told me of your unflagging efforts on behalf of my people. You have proven yourself a true hero more than once. But these are dark days, and I fear time is a luxury we can ill afford."
"Yeah, I know. The council of elders, Nihlathak, the Relic of the Ancients... real serious stuff going on here."
Anya nodded. She was more striking than glamorous, Bodiccea decided. Brunettes have an easier time with striking, especially if they have dark eyes. Still, she could be even more so with a good makeover and a new wardrobe. "Our Council of Elders is gone -- my father, Aust, among them. With Nihlathak's betrayal, our hope may be gone as well. The one thing that keeps us from total despair is the promise of vengeance against Baal."
"Mmm," Bodiccea nodded. One thing Anya did have going for her was her bone structure, solid but not heavy. Nice cheekbones, good shoulders, straight back, not too much in the hips... wouldn't take much work at all to get her looking really good.
"It was Nihlathak who imprisoned me in that icy tomb. While I was there, he told me of his plans to give the relic to Baal. It fear it is as you said, he has already done so. As much as I would love to strangle the life out of him myself, I lack the strength. You have already done much for us; to show my personal gratitude, I give you this. I had it custom-made for you, by Larzuk."
"Huh?" Bodiccea snapped out of her reverie and looked down. Anya was offering her... a bow. A rather sucky Amazon bow. How the heck does Blizzard justify having Larzuk say Amazon weapons are strange, then be able to crank one out when he wants? With a forced smile, Bodiccea took the bow and said, "Thanks. This must have taken a lot of work."
"Amazons are known to be legendary archers; I hope our work can meet your standards."
"Sure," Bodiccea lied. "It's a great bow. Now, don't worry about Nihly. After I take care of him, I'm off to get Baal. Don't wait up, and don't worry too much about it. Like I said, this isn't the end of the world."
"I pray you are right," Anya said, still looking alarmed. "I have been re-reading the old prophecies, which are not as clear as I had believed. I know not what they bode now."
Bodiccea shrugged. "That's the thing with prophecies. If they're true, you're better off not knowing. If they're not, what good are they? Anyhoo, see ya!"

Pindleskin's Garden... excuse me, Nihlathak's Temple lay on the other side of the red gate. Dead, rotted bodies littered the ground. Bodiccea sighed. Has anybody, since the expansion came out, been fooled into thinking they were harmless? She wandered in, stood in the middle of the garden while the deaders got up, and spent a few minutes putting them down again, usually more than once. Pindle himself staggered out as she entered the temple. He looked a lot healthier since everybody and his uncle moved their runs to places like The Pit and the Countess' lair. Bodiccea laid the smackdown on him for old times' sake, ignored the poof of his fire enchantment, and moved on.

Nihlathak's Halls o' Anguish were full of Prowling Dead and Night Lords. Bodiccea and Heather had a friendly argument about whether Night Lords are dark blue or purple, and that was the most excitement they had for the rest of the level. Lots of signs of Nihlathak's evil were left lying around -- also, lots of daggers in the tombs and weapon racks. Maybe the participants of a hardcore dagger-Barb tourney had been buried down here. Bodiccea got level 42 off the big blubbering bundles of experience points known as the Reanimated Horde and they hit the down stairs.

The Halls o' Pain were a little better. They got ugly green Death Brawlers, ugly gray Unholy Corpses, and ugliest of all, Putrid Defilers. Ok, any Pain Worms that hatched died almost as soon as they showed their ugly faces, but it's the principle of the thing. They found still more daggers, a Screaming Scissors Katar (if you put your ear next to it, you could hear James Brown) and Isenhart's Horns. The Evil Urn coughed up a boss pack of Putrid Defilers who immediately hid in the corner, where they died. She wasn't coming back, so Bodiccea hit the waypoint. She also got level 43, found a demon head with +3 to Poison Explosion in the golden chest of joy, and headed down to the Halls of Vaught.

They moved quickly, ignoring a lot of loot, but the halls were so extensive that Bodiccea accumulated enough money to go gambling again. "The ring, please."
"Again?" Anya asked. "Would you like to take a risk on a pair of gauntlets, or a good strong axe instead?"
"Nah," Bodiccea shook her head. "Got plenty of gloves and crap, but there's always room for more jewelry."
Anya sold her the ring, which was worthless, and bought it back like all the others. "When I asked Larzuk to make a weapon for you earlier, he was ecstatic. Would you object if he offered a gift of jewelry as well?"
"Heh," Bodiccea half-smiled. "Did he ask you to ask?"
Anya hesitated, then nodded. "Yes. He told me you were friendly to him, then became distant. Your angelic companion said you never meant to seem friendly at all."
"Yeah," Bodiccea glanced at Regulix. "It's like... uh..."
Regulix smiled. "You are simply too busy."
"Yeah, that's it!" Bodiccea smiled. "Too busy. I've got the quest, killing demons, finding all of Isenhart's stuff... I'm swamped. I thought he was cute when I first saw him and kind of got overwhelmed, but there's no time for any of that right now."
"Oh, yes," Anya smiled. "I should have known. Larzuk is heir to one of the most important positions in our culture, and... he is impressive. I mean, those shoulders..."
Bodiccea laughed, and glanced around the corner. Over by his forge, Larzuk was flexing those massive shoulders -- along with lats, biceps, triceps, and muscles most other men don't even have. Her jaw dropped. "Ooh."
Anya looked too. "Ah. If he could dance like he can forge weapons..."
Now Regulix was looking. "Oh, my."
Anya looked at her with surprise. "I thought you were an angel?"
"Of a sort," Regulix smiled. "But anyone can be tempted."
"Gasp!" Bodiccea leaned against the side of the house, fanning herself. "I feel faint!"
"So..." Anya looked inquisitively at her, "you do like him?"
"I..." Trying to think quickly, Bodiccea glanced at Regulix again, then stammered, "well, he is impressive and all... but I couldn't take him away from you. He's important here!"
"You would not have to," Anya said. "You could stay."
Glancing up at the gently falling snowflakes, Bodiccea said, "Oh, no. I'm sorry, but I'm not a descendant of the Immoral King or anything. I'm a... a..."
"A 'shiksa'?" Regulix suggested.
"Geshundheit. I'd pollute your gene pool and stuff."
Anya sighed, but nodded. "Those are our traditions, from before the time of the Immortal King himself. I do not know how much longer they will matter."
"Oh, they'll always matter," Bodiccea smiled. "Now, I gotta get Nihlathak."
"Thank you, hero," Anya smiled. "Is there nothing we can give you for all your sacrifices?"
You could gives bows to bowazons, Bodiccea thought. "Nah. Hey, I'm looting your sacred mountain. You know I'm gonna stagger out of here with all the gold I can carry. What do you want to give me more for?"
"If gold is all you want, then..."
"It isn't," Bodiccea laughed. "But it improves my bargaining position. Gotta go. See you in a few."

The first branch of the Halls of Vaught didn't have Nihlathak. The second did. Bodiccea led her crew through his room on a dead run, not stopping to attack or anything. That lured most of his minions outside. After killing them, they left to clear the other two branches, giving the bodies time to disappear. The third branch had nothing interesting, but the fourth had an Evil Urn that produced a pack of Putrid Defilers. They hid in the corner and died. To Bodiccea's shock, the boss dropped a unique they didn't already have: the bastard sword Blacktongue. It was a pretty green, and made The Mule happy.

When they got back, Nihlathak had raised a few more minions, so Bodiccea ran past going "neener neener neener!" again and lured them out. Once the crowd had thinned enough, she switched to Jab and led the assault. Nihlathak said something, but he never says anything interesting so Bodiccea ignored it as she Jabbed. He might be evil too, but at least the Necromancer has better dialogue. Heather and Regulix concentrated on the remaining Ice Spawn and Hell Temptresses while Bodiccea kept Nihlathak too busy to set off any Corpse Explosions. Not one went up -- he never got a chance.

"Ok," Bodiccea looked around. "That went pretty well."
"I agree," Regulix smiled. "Your approach to the entire temple was very efficient."
After pulling her gauntlet back and looking at her watch, Bodiccea nodded. "It's not even dinner time yet. You wanna break early, or go clear the Glacial Trail?"
"Um..." Heather smiled a little. "I'd like to go out for the night."
Bodiccea grinned. "Heather's got a boyfriend! Heather's got a boyfriend!"
"Oh!" Regulix smiled. "How wonderful for you! I wish you all happiness."
"Sure," Bodiccea laughed. "Right after we give her the 'new boyfriend' noogies."
"What?" Heather guffawed. "Miss B..."
"I'm teasing. Here's a few gold, try and get him to go dutch or he'll think he's entitled."
Heather clenched her eyes shut in apparent pain, but took the money. "Sure thing, Miss B. I'll keep that in mind."
"Great. Ok, you go run off now. I'll head back up and bother Anya. She's cool."
"Sure. See you in the morning."
 
Well before midnight, Heather quietly pushed open the bedroom door. Bodiccea was dozing, but woke up when she entered. "Hi, Heather."
"Hi." Now no longer bothering to keep quiet, Heather went over to her bed and dropped her gear. "Hope I didn't wake you up."
"Don't worry about it. How was the date?"
Heather sighed. "Fine, I guess. At least before Khaleel's friends figured out where we were hiding."
"Uh-oh. Did they walk in on you?"
"No. They just showed up and kept teasing him about being whipped and stuff. The thing is, he wouldn't tell them that wasn't true."
"Of course not," Bodiccea smirked. "If a guy has to tell his buds he's not whipped, that means he's whipped."
"It was only our second date! Even if I wanted to, how could I?"
"Aw, c'mon, Heather! They were just teasing."
"It was mean. I don't think he should hang around with them anymore."
After a short pause, laughter rang out in the small room. "WHOOP! WHOOP! Warning! Warning! Beginning of relationship in progress! Relationship is imminent! All hands brace for impact! We repeat, RELATIONSHIP IS IMMINENT!"
"What?! Miss B, come on!"
"It's true!" Bodiccea giggled. "I've seen it happen. One of the first signs of a relationship starting is when she disapproves of his Neanderthal friends and tries to get him to lose them."
Heather sighed in exasperation, and grumbled, "I am not trying to get him to leave his old friends. It's just that they're such jerks, and when they're around, sometimes they make him act like a jerk too."
"What, did he yell at you or something?"
"No, he never would. But when I asked him why he was friends with them, he got all defensive and said I was trying to tell him who he could be friends with."
"Yeah, well. Heather, guys can't be gentlemen all the time. It's really kind of a strain for them. Sometimes, they have to go out with their friends and act like animals. It's like that thing they have about asking for directions."
"But Khaleel's different! You could tell how mad it made him when Kasim and Klatu were saying those things."
"Come on, Heather! That just means he's got a pair. You get a little mad when I tease you. Not mad enough, knowing what a b!tch I am."
"Well..." She frowned, then shook her head dismissively. "I can deal with it, but Khaleel is kind of sensitive. I don't think his 'friends' give him enough respect."
"Well, duh; he's an act III merc. Heather, he'll be fine. Nobody's THAT sensitive. He'll just get in a fight with them or something, then feel all masculine and it'll be ok."
The thought of that made Heather uncomfortable. "He shouldn't have to do that."
"Heather, I think guys like fighting with each other. After, they go out and get drunk together; it's kind of a bonding thing."
"Why? I mean, they're mad enough at each other to fight about it..."
Bodiccea shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe it's a relief to be bad for a while. If I was a guy and I had to be a gentleman all the time, I'd freak."
Heather laughed. "If you turned into a guy, I'd freak too."
"Ew! Heather!"
Grinning wider, she added, "I'm also not sure if I should be getting relationship advice from somebody like you."
"Oh!" Laughing, Bodiccea threw a pillow at her. "Uncalled for!"
Heather giggled. "Maybe I should talk to Reg..."
"She hasn't been in a permanent thing in, like, 300 years. Look, how about you just sleep on it? It's late, and we've got a long slog ahead of us in the morning."
"Ok. G'night, Miss B."

As the early light filtered down through layer upon layer of clear blue ice, Bodiccea's bunch hit the Glacial Trail once more. Frozen Terrors, Death Slashers, and the friggin' Reanimated Horde met them, and were conquered. The trail caves weren't very big. Bodiccea reached level 44 from killing a boss Abominable pack, and maxed out Fend. Bonesaw Breaker's golden chest o' joy didn't have much stuff in it. And an Evil Urn spat out a fire enchanted Frozen Terror. It was obviously very confused, and didn't put up much of a fight.

Back in Harrogath, Bodiccea noticed a little dialogue balloon with an exclamation point in it floating over Qual-Kehk's head. "Oop! Almost forgot. Hi there!"
"Every time I hear of you, warrior, your deeds become more legendary."
"Wow," Bodiccea grinned, "I'm a legend in my own mind."
That earned a faint smile. "Take heed: you are approaching the very summit of Mount Arreat. I have never dared venture there."
"Maybe if you asked Anya for directions?" she said, radiating innocence.
The smile disappeared. "It is sacred -- our most holy place. The legends say it is guarded by the Ancient Ones, who block the path of all who are unworthy."
"Unless they have the magic thingy Nihlathak gave Baal. You gotta wonder why he had it instead of Aust. He was the big chief, right?"
Qual-Kehk nodded curtly. "Your reputation here does not matter... It will be the Ancients who determine your worthiness. Good luck."
"Luck's got nothing to do with it. Ba-bye!"
As they walked away, Regulix said, "You do not speak with Qual-Kehk very much."
"No. He's kind of boring. Anya's ok. Hey, Heather, have you been thinking about Khaleel any more?"
"Yeah. I want to help him, but I'm not sure how."
"Hmm," Bodiccea thought for a minute. "I dunno either."
"Do you know his thoughts on the matter?" Regulix asked.
Bodiccea gave her a funny look. "Do you even know what we're talking about?"
Regulix smiled. "No. But if he is involved, and you do not know his mind, whatever it is you are trying to accomplish cannot succeed."
They both stared at her for a minute, then Heather nodded. "That makes sense."
"I guess it does," Bodiccea scratched her head. "So how do we figure out what's on his mind?"
"Consider asking him."
Bodiccea snorted with laughter. "Yeah, right! He'll just grunt something about Heather wanting to talk about 'feelings' and how boring it is."
Regulix nodded wistfully. "Yes, that does happen. But consider it."
"I'll try it," Heather smiled.
Bodiccea shrugged. "Sure. It's gotta work sometime."

Down in the Drifter Caverns, they were beset with Snow Drifters and Vile Temptresses. They were vile -- lime green with orange? Yikes. Bodiccea put every last one of them out of their misery pronto. The first Evil Urn produced a Temptress who died so quickly, Bodiccea never got a chance to see what her mods were. The second urn produced a lone champion. She was awesome: all in purple from head to toe, and she actually made it work. Too bad she died before Bodiccea could ask what her secret was.

Once the caves were empty, they headed onto the Frozen Tundra. They had one peaceful moment in the whole place, while looting the little Baba camp by the edge of the cliff. From that moment on, Bodiccea was scampering up and down the ice floe after Imps, Imps, and more Imps, with a few Crush Beasts for extra annoyance. Maybe putting a few points into a bow or javelin skill to deal with Imps wouldn't be a bad idea. They encountered three boss Imps before they even found the first wall, and, incidentally, the Infernal Pit.

There weren't any minotaurs in the pit, just Blood Bosses, Ice Spawn, and still more Imps. Fortunately, this being a mini-hell, Bodiccea could sit back to let Heather snipe across the flames. There were a few problems with exploding slaves, but nothing Heather and Regulix couldn't handle. The golden chest 'o joy had a lot of gems and two jewels, neither of them worth very much.

A knot of normal Crush Beasts occupied the center of the first wall, but nothing serious happened there, or in the second wall. Bodiccea reached level 45, and wasn't sure what to do with the skill point. "You ought to improve your Valkyrie skill," Regulix suggested.
"But then I'd lose you!" Bodiccea pouted. "And I don't know who'll come after you."
"Her name is known to you."
"I don't care," she said. "And I don't care if you think she's better than you. I'll save the skill point. Maybe I'll start working on the lightning skills later."
Regulix smiled faintly, but seemed grateful. "As you wish."
"I do wish it," Bodiccea stuck her tongue out at her. "So there. Hey! I wonder if The Mule left Ravenfrost?" She scampered over to her stash and looked inside. "Whoa! Two rings, chain gloves, and boots!"
"What are the rings?" Heather asked.
"Ravenfrost, and Dwarf Star! I've got Cannot Be Frozen, cold absorb, and fire absorb! I wonder if we've got Thundergod's Vigor lying around too?"
"I don't believe so," Regulix said. "What of the other items?"
"They're blue," Bodiccea frowned. "Oh. Lancer's Chain Gloves of Readiness. +3 to spear skills is sweet. I think I can lose 20% attack speed for that. I know I've got life leech to spare. The boots are Sapphire Light Plated Boots of Speed. Not bad."
Heather nodded. "You could do worse. They'll match your armor better, too."
"Yeah." She sat down on the stash to change out of Sigon's gear -- but as she took the gauntlets off, her armor vanished. "Eeep!"
"What happened?"
"AAARRGH! Dammit, dammit! Reg, your armor needs a strength of 101! Without Sigon's gloves, I've only got a strength of 100!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Regulix said. "Strength bonuses from items work differently now, it seems. What shall we do?"
Bodiccea put Sigon's gloves and boots back on. "We get our asses back out there and kill until I gain another level. Shouldn't take too long, we've got the whole Ancient's Way and the Icy Cellar to go yet. C'mon!"

The waypoint was right behind the second wall, and behind it, the end of the tundra. After massacring the champion Imp pack, they entered The Ancients' Way. Far from living up to that lofty title, the place was a standard ice cave, with Moon Lords, Frozen Scourges, and Death Sock Puncturers. It was getting quite late and Bodiccea really wanted that level, so they took most of the caves at a run. She ran straight into the middle of Death Slasher packs, recklessly charged Moon Lords, and ran circles around Frozen Scourges saying "neener neener neener!" just for the heck of it. It was brutal.

Down in the Icy Cellar, they found Stygian Harlots (no familiar faces), Prowling Dead (more like stumbling, if you ask me) and Frozen Abyss, which is a heck of a strange name for a yeti-type monster. Maybe the Blizzard guys were running out of names. A lone pack of champion sock puncturers -- Death Brigadiers -- confirmed it: the well of nomenclature had run a bit dry back at Blizzard HQ. Snapchip was no challenge at all with Cannot Be Frozen on, but the kill still left Bodiccea short of the next level.

There was only one option left: an experience run. Eldritch and Shenk were right where they'd left them, and by a third of the way down the Bloody Foothills, Bodiccea had her level and the new equipment was in place. She didn't know if they would be a real improvement over Sigon's stuff, but +3 to your main attack skill never hurts. Now, it was time to sleep. The Ancient's Way waypoint wasn't too far from the Arreat Summit entrance. The Ancients awaited her pleasure, but they could damn well wait until morning.
 
Hello, Stony!
I'd like to say a big THANKS! for the wonderfu story you've written (though my boss probably wouldn't say such a thing, considering the ammount of work time I've spoiled so far, following the adventures of the fair maid Bodiccea). It's really nice and skillfully created and I truly admire it. Please, keep up this good work! I'll be leaving on vacation since tomorrow and one of the things that will certainly make my returning to the office in 2 weeks easier, is the eagerness to see the sequel of this story. (%
 
amalthea said:
Hello, Stony!
I'd like to say a big THANKS! for the wonderfu story you've written (though my boss probably wouldn't say such a thing, considering the ammount of work time I've spoiled so far, following the adventures of the fair maid Bodiccea). It's really nice and skillfully created and I truly admire it. Please, keep up this good work! I'll be leaving on vacation since tomorrow and one of the things that will certainly make my returning to the office in 2 weeks easier, is the eagerness to see the sequel of this story. (%
Click to expand...

Hello there right back. I'm glad you like the story, and you're not alone in wasting work time here. There aren't any sequels, but the other 6 stories can be found on Orbert's web site if you want to waste even more work time. And now, without further ado...


After a late dinner (Rabbit again. Sheesh.), Heather left, but came back as Bodiccea was getting ready for bed. "Oh, hi Heather. How'd it go?"
"Kind of weird," Heather said, frowning. "He didn't even remember it!"
"Remember what?" Bodiccea said, half-smiling.
Glaring in exasperation, Heather threw the pillow she'd thrown earlier back at her. "The argument! Remember I was so upset about Kasim and Klatu teasing him?"
"Yeah, I remember. He didn't care much, huh?"
"No. He was so upset yesterday, and now it's like it never happened."
Laughing, Bodiccea started singing,

"How do you solve a problem like a male?
How do you catch that clown and pin him down?
So many things you really have to tell him,
Many a thing he ought to understand.
But how do you make him stay,
And listen to what you say?
All he wants to do is play with your boobs!"

"No! It's not like that at all," Heather grumped, plopped down on her bed and dropped her bow on the floor. "I wanted to help, but it's like he doesn't think he needs me."
"Well... guys kind of want to do things for themselves. I think it's like a Freudian rebellion against mother figures or something. Anyway, he's ok, isn't he?"
"I guess... I just don't want him to get that upset again."
Bodiccea sighed. "He'll be fine. He is fine. I mean, if he forgot about it already, he was never that upset."
"But... I didn't do anything! I didn't know what to do!"
"Yeah, well... maybe you didn't need to do anything."
"I want to do something..."
"Heather... if you try to do too much for a guy, you'll be like his mom. Guys hate that. They want to do it themselves; it's a macho thing."
"Well, maybe macho is stupid," Heather groused. "And I'm not trying to be his mom!"
Bodiccea laughed again. "That 'maybe' shouldn't be there. But you might kind of be acting like a mom, you know. You sure as hell do it to me. Look: I tease you all the time. Does he get all bent out of shape about it and want you to not talk with me?"
"Uh..." Heather thought for a moment, and slowly nodded. "Yeah, he kind of did."
"Huh?"
A weird sort of half-smile appeared on Heather's face, like she wasn't sure if she should tell, but couldn't resist doing so. "Way back, kinda soon after you hired me. He thought... uh, he thought you were being mean to me, and he wanted to protect me."
The room went quiet, then Bodiccea snorted with laughter. "The noive o' that joker! I oughta whop him good. 'Cept he'd get mad 'cause he got beat up by a girl."
"Yeah," Heather laughed. "He doesn't think he has to save me from you anymore."
"Oh, I don't know about that. I mean, I'm such a b!tch. Anyhoo, I'll bet his buds were teasing him like I tease you; he just yells more about it."
"Um, yeah, maybe," Heather grinned, staring off into space as she thought. "When you think about it, it kind of makes sense. He wasn't really mad, he was just, you know, puffing up to make himself look bigger or something."
"Yeah," Bodiccea looked over at her. "Did it scare you?"
Heather was quiet for a moment, then slowly nodded. "I guess it did. I remember thinking I'd never want him to get that mad at me."
"Ok. Well, if he ever does, puff up right back at him. I know you don't do that much, but sometimes you need to."
"But what if he really is mad? I mean, really mad?"
Bodiccea thought about that for a while. "I dunno. I never really got that far with a guy. Once they got mad at me, it stopped being fun and I didn't want them around."
For a while, Heather didn't respond. Finally, she sighed, "Maybe I should ask Reg."
"Aw, I'm sorry," she said, and gave Heather a hug. "For what it's worth, I don't think he'll yell at you. You're not a guy, he doesn't have to puff up and try to scare you. If he does, he's an abusive jerk and you'd better dump him fast."
"Maybe," Heather smiled. "I've heard that a lot of guys, when they're really mad, they get quiet."
"Uh-huh. Go fig. Whatever, it sounds like everybody's ok. You don't need to worry about him."
"I guess not," Heather laughed. "I just don't want him to get hurt."
"And he doesn't want you to get hurt," Bodiccea smiled. "Cool. Stop worrying."
"Ok, Miss B." After blowing out the lamp and climbing under the furs, she added, "I guess I do kind of worry, huh?"
A sarcastic laugh filled the dark room. "You've been dating for, what, two days? It's way too early for you to be worrying this much. Cut loose and have some fun, huh?"
Heather laughed. "I would, but I'm still kind of short on sleep."
"Then cut loose after we whack Baal. We should be in there this afternoon at the latest."
"Ok. What are you going to do after Baal?"
"Cows, of course. Now go to sleep."
"Sure. G'night."
"Night!"

In the morning, they went from the Ancients' Waypoint to the summit, plowing through the usual crowd of monsters. The new equipment worked well. There was some loss in attack speed without Sigon's gauntlets, but the gain in power made up for it -- it's kind of fun killing a Moon Lord in one hit on players 8. Bodiccea went back to Harrogath to drop off loot one last time before hitting the summit.
"I cannot tell you how amazed I am with your progress!" Cain exclaimed. "You have proven your worth to these people. They look to you as their warrior, their champion! On you rests their last hope in the world."
"Yeah, that's great. Can you ID the ring, please?"
"Of course! I know you must be tired from your long journey, but now is not the time to let exhaustion lower your spirits! My own journey has been greater, though it has been an honor to accompany you on yours."
"Uh-huh. Thanks, see you again soon!"
Over at Larzuk's, the big smith greeted Bodiccea kindly. "So, you're going to meet the Ancient Ones?"
"That's first on the agenda. Then comes big bad Baal."
"I hope you come back. There are few the Ancients find worthy. If you do..."
"Uh, big guy?" Bodiccea smiled. "After I finish this, they're gonna need you, and I don't wanna stay here."
"Oh." He nodded, staring at his feet, then shrugged. "So... uh... is everyone where you come from so... big?"
Laughing, Bodiccea shook her head. "Nah. I'm kind of a freak that way."
The choice of words seemed to surprise him, but he laughed it off. "The honor you bear is too great for such a name."
"That's sweet. Gotta run. Ba-bye!"

The view was breathtaking from the Arreat Summit. If you strained, you could almost see movement down on the mountain slopes -- until Bodiccea pointed out that their shadows fell across the "landscape" down below. That was really just floor out there, laid over with graphics like a mosaic. The three uber-studs of all Barbariandom were standing around the altar, and Bodiccea examined each in turn.

"Awright," she began, looking around the circle. "We've got three boys and three girls, so we know they don't stand a chance, right?"
Heather laughed. "Sure."
"Great. We're gonna beat them by being vicious b!tches and not playing fair. This means ignoring one guy, ganging up on another, and wasting the third guy's time. Are you with me so far?"
"Perhaps you should explain yourself in more detail," Regulix said.
"No problem. This here's Madawc the Guardian, or target #1. He's the wing man: support for the others with warcries, but not much else. Heather, he's your man. Keep him in your sights. I'll be there too, and he's not man enough for us both."
Heather nodded. "Got it."
Moving around to the right, she stood before the statue with a halberd. "This here's Korlic the Protector, target #2. He's the big man on campus, the tough guy who comes on strong. Don't let him jump you, that Leap Attack is murder. Reg, I want you to get in his face and keep him on the ground while Heather and I deal with Madawc."
"Very well," she replied.
"Last but not least," Bodiccea crossed to the last statue, "we have Talic the Defender, target #3. He's the Whirlwind Baba, and he's got all the moves. Thing is, Whirlwind is pretty weak at this level, so we can let him dance around all he wants. Once the others are gone, he's easy, but don't waste time chasing him. Any questions?"
There were none. Once Regulix and a Decoy were in position by Korlic, Bodiccea hit the altar. "WE ARE --"
"NOW!" Bodiccea yelled, stepping away from the altar. The statues sprang to life, and the battle began.

Bodiccea ran straight for Madawc. Talic whirled by behind her once, but she ignored him. Heather stayed in position, pinning Madawc between herself and Bodiccea. That part of the plan went well, but few are the plans that survive contact with the enemy. Korlic ignored Regulix and the Decoy, leapt high into the air, and brought his halberd smashing down on Heather. Bodiccea tossed her a potion just about the time Madawc died.

His first movie was a good one, but Korlic's second wasn't: he ran right up to Bodiccea. She smiled, and set in with Jab. The Ancients are mighty, but must have been at the gym when they were handing out brains. Talic whirled through Bodiccea and Regulix, but the damage was almost insignificant. Heather moved around to the side, so she wouldn't be in a line with the other two as Talic whirled back, and started blasting Korlic. While they poured the hurt into him, Regulix went after Talic, who was whirling repeatedly past her. She couldn't catch the fast-moving Barbarian, but he hardly made a dent in her before Korlic died.

With the other two dead, Talic seemed to decide that his best option might be a strategic retreat. How un-Barbaric. Bodiccea outran him easily; she even hit him in mid-whirl a few times. In time, he returned to his place, and the voices rang out, "YOU ARE --" before Bodiccea hit the Worldstone Keep entrance. Using a grand total of one purple, Bodiccea and Heather were unhurt. Regulix, that tough ol' broad, was at about 80%.

The first level of the Worldstone Keep was kind of annoying. Bodiccea had desperately hoped she wouldn't have to deal with the Reanimated Horde again. Besides them, there were Fetid Defilers and Vile Witches. The witches were all in gold; normally, that much gold lame would be frightening, but they're so shameless it kind of worked. When Bodiccea paused for a moment to jot down some notes, Baal's laughter echoed through the halls and a burst of Chain Lightning erupted under her feet. It was tempting to stand there and dare him to do it again, but that would have been boring.

Moving quickly, they cleared the level and found the stairs down to level 2. The whole level was Greater Hell Spawn, primed to explode without any encouragement. Among the spatter of monster bits, Bodiccea found a small charm of greed, a medium charm of greed, and boots of the fox. At one point, they found an experience shrine. This would almost guarantee that they'd meet no monsters for a while, but Bodiccea hit it anyway. The next dozen Hell Spawn were all exploders, and when the shrine bonus ran out at the end of a long, dead-end hall, they found... another experience shrine. These things seem to happen in the keep.

Level 3 was all Demon Sprites, Rancid Defilers, and Death Lords. Even the Death Lords were no challenge, but Blizzard sure could have picked a nicer color than yellow for them. Moon Lords look so much better. Finally, they got to level 4. Stygian Furies have the best bodies and the best accessories of all the Succubi. Their headdresses are especially impressive. Even so, Bodiccea would have put the ones in gold down here... it is so hard to do purple, no matter what they say about it being the new black. Amplify Damage and Death Lords are a bad combination, so they cleared the level carefully.

"Have you any plans for Baal's minions?" Regulix asked.
"Sure. You and me tank 'em, Heather shoots."
"What about Lister?" Heather asked.
"Um... I think I can tank them. I'll try, anyway. Get my back to something so he can't knock me around, and I think I'll be all right."
Heather looked dubious. "I don't think any of the others tanked Lister's whole pack."
"They didn't. But I'm gonna. Come on, we're in Normal difficulty softcore. What's the worst that can happen?"
"Um... nothing, I guess." Heather shrugged. "Let's go."

After whacking one last group of Succubi hiding behind Baal, and getting Decrepified in the bargain, Bodiccea ran back and waited for the first group. Colenzo the Annihilator was kind of cute. For old time's sake, Bodiccea and Heather shouted "Rakanishu" and "Bishibosh" at him a few times, then killed him and his group. Before round 2 started, they took off back to town, to get rid of loot and lose the Decrepify curse. From this point on, Bodiccea left a portal right outside the throne room.

Instead of luring away Achmel the Cursed's skeletons and killing them where he couldn't see them, Bodiccea ran straight into the middle of the crowd and started Fending. The tactic leached back enough life to cancel what she lost to his poison and other attacks. Once all the mummies were dead, she ran back to the portal. Buying antidotes to keep herself and Heather alive after the battle would have been smart, but she didn't think of it.

Bartuc the Bloody was the first melee wave; Bodiccea happily led him away from Baal so she wouldn't have to deal with the damn Decrepify curse. It has been a while since she needed to deal with anything lightning enchanted. To her surprise, her Fend skill did almost as much damage as Impale, so she went ahead with that. Heather managed to stay away from the sparks, and Regulix didn't care. Bodiccea actually left one of his minions alive so she could clear the loot away without having another wave dropped on her head. Before the last one died, he summoned a Hydra. Oddly enough, Baal waited until the Hydra was gone before he brought on the next wave. Strange, that.

Ventor the Unholy roared out fast, and died that way too. It's a shame about Balrogs, they really should get more respect. Once he was out of the way, Bodiccea cleared the floor of any items, spotted a few good places to stand, and went in to meet Lister. The minute he was on the floor, they fled back out of Baal's sight. Bodiccea put her back to a Worldstone fragment and gritted her teeth as the wave washed over her.

The first hit was hard; that must be Lister himself. The second wasn't so bad. Bodiccea cast a Decoy at the rear of the pack; Regulix was a few feet from her, and Heather was standing at a safe distance, pelting them with explosive arrows. The first round of Fending went well; soon, Bodiccea was at full health again. Then she started whiffing. A quick switch to Jab stopped that, and she went back to Fend. The Decoy died -- Bodiccea cast another. Regulix had lost about a third of her life, Heather was ok.

In a blur of Fending and explosions, the first Minion died. Now Lister was the only one on Bodiccea. Three were pounding Regulix around, while a forth killed the Decoy. Bodiccea cast the Decoy twice, drawing some heat off Regulix, then switched to Jab to deal with Lister. Slowly, she whittled him down. Heather switched to the Minions on Regulix, pausing only to give Bodiccea a thumb's-up when Lister died. Regulix was almost dead; a quick resummon got her healthy again, and Bodiccea ran to help her against the last three Minions. They bashed Bodiccea around for a while before she got her back to a wall and the survivors surrounded her -- just the way she liked it.

Baal himself was, of course, an anticlimax. As they cleared away the gold and avoided the tentacles (Baal is obviously the pervy one of The Three) he came out to play, summoning a swarm of the wiggling things around himself. With a Decoy and Regulix, Fend worked well until he teleported. Several teleports and Decoys later, he died, dropping the unique Military Pick and a bunch of blues. Right on schedule, Tyrael floated down from the ceiling.

"I am impressed, mortal. You --"
"Wait! I have to stay awake. Quick, to the batcave!"
Heather looked around for bats. "Is that in act II?"
"Heather, do you still need more sleep? To Harrogath!"
Back in Harrogath, Bodiccea bounced downstairs to see Cain and get Baal's crappy drop ID'ed. Cain was laughing joyfully. "I knew in time, you would defeat Baal!"
"Well, sure. Hey, why aren't you identifying? Isn't that, like, your raison d' etre?"
He kept laughing, making no move towards the pile of stuff Bodiccea had dropped. "Now our plan can proceed to its conclusion!"
Bodiccea's jaw dropped. "Huh?"
"You never suspected at all, did you?" he chuckled, a gleam like madness shining in his eyes. "Evil in all its forms has been banished, yes... but what brought the evil out?! It was you! You seven! Now, all seven of you are out where we can destroy you, and the world of Sanctuary will at long last know peace!!"
"Cain, are you on drugs?"
"Fool!" he shouted, a sure sign of villainy. "I see the world we share more clearly than all of you. Darkness has covered this land again and again, and for what? To amuse you! You dispel evil and bring it back, over and over, thinking only of green and gold items and your own greed! What of the lives you tread underfoot every day?!"
"Is Mr. Cain all right?" Heather asked, though she clearly knew the answer.
"It's ok, Heather," Bodiccea nodded. "Sometimes, this happens to people when they get older. It's kind of sad, but perfectly normal."
"Normal is the last thing we want this to be!" Cain shouted, walking towards them from the waypoint. Behind him, Cain appeared out of thin air. From beside them, Cain laughed and said, "Well said! Normally, you would leave through Tyrael's gate and the cycle would begin anew! Now that the evil is gone and all seven of you are vulnerable, we cannot allow this to happen! It pains me to inform you, but you and your brethren must be wiped out so that this absurd game may never begin again!!!"
More Cains came from all directions, surrounding them. Bodiccea looked around, eyes wide as dinner plates. "Hey, where's Qual-Kehk?! Where's Malah!?!"
"We did not allow their graphics to load this time," one Cain said.
"They should not be subjected to your fate. Once this last, dreadful task is complete, they may return to our world, and need never suffer for your sakes again!" another smiled sagaciously, a fanatical light burning in his eyes.
"Yes," another cackled, "with no need to stand about, waiting for you arrogant fools to come and claim your stupid, stupid quest rewards!"
A fourth Cain said to a fifth, "We will never be locked in that accursed cage again, or need to identify a single blessed thing!"
"Hooray!" they shouted. The square was now full; a sea of blue-robed old men stretched as far as the eye could see. "I think I'm gonna be sick," Bodiccea whispered.
"No!" they said in unison. "YOU WILL DIE!!!"
Snarling, Bodiccea tried to put her spear down into attack position. "You and what arm -- hey, I can't get my spear down!"
"Miss B!" Heather shouted, "There's dozens of him! What do we do?"
"Of course you cannot attack us!" a Cain gloated. "You are in town! Nor could any attack launched from outside town affect us!"
"Where the hell did all of you come from!?" Bodiccea screamed.
The nearest Cain chuckled. "I am the act V Cain of your world."
"And I am the act IV Cain!" another, to all appearances identical, Cain said. "How do you think we were always able to arrive in a new town before you? The answer is simple: we were always there! Forced to wait for you, spending our lives doing your bidding... and for what?! All for the sake of a game, a pointless game that never ends!"
Another Cain shook his fist at the heavens. "The endless madness of it! Quests given and met, acts completed, all for your sake! Even when the game was completed, it just began anew, Mobius-like, bringing a new stream of unidentified items!!"
"In Diablo I, at least there was some money in it," another sighed. "For you, we were forced to work for free."
"Unless some fool forgot Tristram and left us in that cage!" one near the back yelled.
"Mmm, yes," several nodded. "That didn't happen very often."
Bodiccea did a quick count. "Wow. 35 Cains. I'd be doomed if you could do anything."
They all smiled, the exact same benevolent smile. "Oh, but we can!"
"No, you can't! You can't attack in town either! I'll bet you don't even HAVE any attacks!"
The omnipresent smile never wavered. Suddenly, they all began babbling at once. "Have I told you about the Horadrim? Long ago..."
"You have quite a treasure in that Horadric Cube..."
"Never forget that your first mission is..."
"Can you believe it? Did you ever dare dream..."
"I'm amazed to find this place so..."
"The mage you describe does sound..."
"Have you met Anya? Such a..."
"It is certain that you face the..."
"As a token of my gratitude..."
"I believe Meshif collects such..."
"AAAAAAHHHH!!!" Bodiccea screamed, jamming her hands over her ears, "THEY'RE GONNA BORE US TO DEATH!!!"
"And the other heroes are next!" the Bodiccea act V Cain gloated. "We know where you people hide, we know where you can run! Soon, you will all be destroyed! With no more heroes, the game cannot begin, and we can live our lives the way we want to!"
The droning babble went on. They were hemmed in, helpless, until Bodiccea shouted, "Ok, that does it! There's only one way out of this! It's horrible... easily the most horrible thing I've ever done! But there's no other way!"
"What?!" Heather screamed. "Whatever it is, do it!"
"Ok, Cain! Or Cains! Whatever! Remember, no matter how bad this turns out... YOU FORCED ME TO DO THIS!!"

Bodiccea reached back, far back, further down into a pit of digital slime than she'd ever reached before. She was looking for something worse than anything her pristine world had ever been exposed to before... something hideous... repulsive... 133t-speaking...

"THERE'S ONE!!" She grabbed the slimy thing and pulled. A young man in his early 20's popped into the world. He was scrawny, acne-ridden, had terrible hair and clothing, and smelled like a long-overdue cat box. "Huh?"
"Hey, look!" Bodiccea shouted over the drone of many Cains. "If you use your Town Attack hack, you can beat up Cain!"
His eyes lit up. "OMG!! ROTFLMAO!! NO MORE 'STAY A WHILE AND LISTEN' 4EVAH!!" He struggled to his feet and chanted his battle cry: "N00B!! 5UXX0RS!! PH34R M3!! I R THA UBER!! I R THA 1337 H4XX0R!! I!!! PWN!!!!! U!!!!!!!!!"
"Ahhh!!" The Cains began to scatter... slowly, under attack the whole time. Ok, this dweeb was so weak and out of shape he'd have a hard time killing a fly, but the distraction gave Bodiccea an opening. She ran for the portal, and got through it.
"Jeebus! That was a close one," Bodiccea said as they walked towards Tyrael's portal.
"Yeah," Heather grinned. "And it's a good thing you weren't wearing the leathers, or he'd have just stood there staring at your boobs."
"Ok, ok, the leathers have their drawbacks! I admit it! Sheesh. Hey, do you think I could get Lionheart set in some wire fleece after we hit Nightmare?"
"More importantly, will there be a Cain?" Regulix asked. "Sadly, he is necessary."
"Ah, he'll be all right. It'd take that loser forever to kill one of them, and once we hit the red portal, the world stops. He won't have time to do any real damage."
"If you say so," Heather said. "Oh, I think there was only one Fal rune available. You're kind of stuck with what you have."
"Damn. Oh, well."
As they approached, Tyrael began his speech again. "I am impressed, mo --"
"Tyrael? Give it a rest, ok?"

On the verdant green fields of the Moo Moo Farms, the King of all Cows idly tasted a stem of sweet, sweet grass. His herd of heifers roamed free, lowing and mooing and enjoying the warm sunshine. It was an idyllic scene, one he had labored hard to create. It was nothing like the old days... day after day, year and year, Warriors, Rogues, Sorcerers and Monks with nothing better to do would come to his tiny herd, and the poking began. Poking... POKING... POKING!!! They couldn't move then, only cry out in protest. Their wails only encouraged the miserable bastards, making them point and giggle in amusement.

Since those horrible days, he had come to this place. How wasn't clear... but here he was, with a large and beautiful herd, far away from poking fingers and idle snickering. If only his secret had lasted. They came again, different but cut from the same cloth as before. The first few got a taste of their own medicine -- too bad for them if the lesson was fatal. Those who came after, an unstemmable tide, did not laugh and idly poke. The corral the King had made to remind his herd of old horrors became their only fortress, and a poor one. It had no gates, only walls; why would the King have gates when cows were meant to be free? Something had to stop these tiny, torturing monsters... and if Agent Cmith had done his job, they would stop, forever.

What was that? The King's ear twitched. A wail of pain off in the distance, and the faint, familiar glow of a red portal. Despair caught at his heart -- the plan had failed. Death had come to his herd again. No doubt he would live; they always left him alive, to rebuild his herd so the torture could begin again. He heaved up onto his hind legs, grabbing for both his halberd and his cell phone. For such a hefty bovine, the Cow King's voice was surprisingly squeaky, and he sounded a bit unbalanced... like a complete nut.

"Mooo... *ahem* eh, excuse me. I want to speak to... yeah, it's me. Three truckloads of heifers, like usual. Yeah, again. The usual place. Say, I don't suppose they could be Black Angus this time? I'm in the mood for something a little different... ah. You only deal in Holsteins. I see. No, no overnight delivery, I'm calling ahead this time. Of course. Yes. Yep. Thank you, but no... I don't think I'll be having a nice day."


Concluding thoughts:
1) The final movie is really cool. I wonder if Worldstone fragments will turn us as a magic item in Diablo III?
2) I like Amazons much better now. Maybe in 1.10, I'll try a Mageazon. Right after I make that shock ranger I've always wanted to do, and Stormcrow the Ravens/Hurricane Druid, and a Whirlwind Barb now that they're not overpowered, and a bone Necro...
3) The Grand Tour officially began January 20, 2002 -- 2 years, 6 months, a few days, and almost 3 megs of text ago. I had one mule, called Mule. Such naiveté. Maybe I should do a giveaway for all the crap I've collected; I'm sure somebody out there is poorer than I am.
4) If anybody's got any final comments, or just wants to participate in a poll, please make your way over to Grand Tour: Goodbye Cruel World.
 
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