Excerpts from the Diary of Black Hack [by Insane Wayne]

Mar 19, 2020
Originally started by Insane Wayne on June 7, 2008. This is a compilation of the Diary of Black Hack; an unfortunate monster who just can't seem to catch a break. His trials and tribulations span tournaments, years, and even posters. Keep a look out for him next time you're out there, and say hello.

Excerpts from the diary of Black Hack:

April 16 --
Ah, it's great to be a Brute! I am pretty much the boss around here. That's right, bow down to Black Hack, you puny Fallen. This week is easy, I'm patrolling "the Hole". Free advice to all you fragile critters out there: stay out of my way or I'll squash you like a grape...
There is word of a new and powerful adventurer passing through. Let him pass, I'm not scared. No one ever comes down here.

April 18 -- Crap. I am in limbo, awaiting reincarnation. That hero showed up after all. I remember hearing a commotion, and leading my minions to investigate. A filthy necro, with nothing but a weak clay golem and a pathetic skeleton warrior! They could barely scratch me! I thought it would be easy.
Then I saw some new glowing skeletons, lurking behind the necro. They threw some spells at me! They must be mages! Wow, they really
do exist! Their spells stung a little, but I could handle the pain. Suddenly I was Cursed, and I felt a sharp blow. A rogue archer allied wih the necro! This was not good, plus I was trapped on the stupid stairs... Sigh... I am going to miss being a brute.

April 24 -- Reassignment! My 6 days in Limbo are over! I am a slinger now, guarding the Rocky Waste along the gates of Lut Gholein. This place is hotter than Hell, and lacks ambience, but at least I have a nice Holy Freeze aura to keep me cool. The sabre cat babes really dig my aura. Plus, I'm in the realm of "Nightmare", and have been granted a second ability: Extra Strong.
Hopefully I'll never see that necro again. I seriously doubt he can get past Andariel. But if he does, I'll keep an eye out, waiting to take his head off with my javelins.

May 4 -- I don't believe it, he got me again! The minute he poked his head out the gate, I was on top of him. He looked like a such a dork, with his ugly yellow armors and goofy yellow horned hat. I couldn't wait to dance on his corpse! But first I had to fight off some new creature: a clay golem, except on fire! What kind of necro pet was this? No matter, we were close to killing it. The next thing I know, I'm in limbo again. I remember seeing a desert warrior. He poked me a couple times, and that was it! What gives? I've killed a dozen of Greiz's men, their corpses are everywhere! What made this guy so special?! Sigh... no more all-night poker parties with Creeping Feature.

May 10 -- Yuck, I am a zombie, and I really stink. I'm hanging out in the Cave because the sun is really hard on my skin (what's left of it). I have crippling arthritis, a craving for brains, and the speed of a snail. Yes, I may look weak, but woe to anyone who underestimates me! I can knock them out cold with one swat of my rotting arms! I am a Hell monster, magically enhanced, and immune to physical and lightning. Plus I benefit form my neighbor's Fanaticism. We make a great team.

May 18 -- This sucks! The hero's minions humiliated me yet again! He came in looking much different. Hardened, darker, determined, and focused. His mages had grown in number and power. The Burning Golem hit harder. What good was my Stone Skin against this? My lightning immunity protected me from some of his party, but there were too many fire and cold attacks, plus poison to stop my healing. I succumbed to a machine gun barrage of missiles. Where is Coldcrow when you need her? Probably doing her nails...

May 24 -- Demoted! To a lowly rat! Can my life get any worse?!
Well, at least my lightning-enchanted triple quill shot is kinda cool, and with Blessed Aim, I hardly miss.

June 5 -- You-know-who came around today, materializing out of thin air inside the Cloister. "I need to summon a new army", he declared, "You will provide the corpses. Thank you for your cooperation."
The nerve of that guy! I sensed this was my chance for revenge, before he could raise those deadly mages. We fired our needles, seriously damaging the mighty Golem. Yes, there is hope!
His lightning mercenary began firing at us. Thankfully my resistance was high. Then I felt a strange tingling curse take effect, and suddenly the mercenary's attacks were far more painful. My minions fell, and all eyes turned on me. My last sight was his smiling face, gleefully raising mages from the remains of my comrades. Sigh... another 6 days in limbo. Perhaps if I'm lucky, I will come back as a CEFE Conviction Gloam...

end excerpt.
Mar 19, 2020
Originally posted by Insane Wayne on June 25, 2008.

Excerpts from the diary of Black Hack... part 2:

June 11 --
Gender Bender!!! I'm back again, after another 6 days in Limbo, but this time as a female! What the hell?!!! :rant:
Clearly, the Department of Monster Reincarnation is in complete disarray, to bring me back as the wrong sex. They must be processing souls by the boatload.
You know, there are rules against this sort of thing! I'm facing an identity crisis!
Although, as a Temptress... I guess I am kinda cute...
Uh-oh... Paging Dr. Freud!!!

June 12 -- That does it! I'm getting WAY too much unwanted attention from these disgusting Boars. Tomorrow I'm filing a grievance for workplace harassment.

June 13 -- "Step through the red portal", they tell me.
"Someone will be happy to assist you in the next lair", they tell me.
Yeah, well, I got screwed. I stepped into the portal and got dumped into this Hell-hole called the "Pit of Acheron". Lovely place...
I'm lucky I can fly, I almost tripped and fell into the lava!
I've been talking to the other gals. They tell me that the Necro hero is still alive, tearing through our ranks in Kurast! My heart skipped a beat. I'll bet he is the one responsible for the reassignment backlog that caused my predicament, damn him.

June 20 -- Mephisto and Diablo are dead! Upper management is going berserk. They have every available minion spread throughout the barbarian homeland. They just don't get it.
We need to bunch together, at least a thousand of us, and pounce on him all at once! What we're doing now, doesn't work! I know what I'm talking about; I've already lost 4 lives to this guy.
Sigh... nobody listens to me.

June 24 -- I'm dead again, of course. I knew he was here, when everyone starting panicking. He came strutting around the corner, and looked me dead in the eye. He smiled. I think he recognized me. The rest of his gang soon followed. He dodged several of my blood stars, but then I hit him, once. He scowled. Wow, that felt good! A brute collapsed in front in me. Oh no, there goes my tank! I flew away, over the lava, and hid behind the wagon. I'm not proud of it, but nowadays I'm into self-preservation, above all else. Can you blame me?

He continued on, leaving me alone. I thought he had spared me, but it turned out he was simply taking a break to sort through our sparkly chest. When I peeked around the corner, he and his minions appeared before me, out of thin air. They quickly scattered to surround me, and I faced an onslaught like never before. I'm glad I blacked out quickly.

What if this is the end of me, and the end of all our kind? I fear I will never get another chance roam the earth.

end excerpt.
Mar 19, 2020
Originally posted by Insane Wayne on Aug 1, 2008.

Excerpts from the diary of Black Hack, part 3:

July 21 --
Braaaaains! I'm... so... so... hungry... for some delicious, juicy, BRAINS! I've been wandering through the wretched Swampy Pit for many weeks now, with no food. There are gloams here, but they are spirit beings, and have no brains.
I finally caught one of those speedy undead dolls. Sadly, I learned its skull was hollow, after it exploded in my face! Ouch! Not even a morsel of brain matter! What good is being a zombie if there are no brains to pursue?! :bored:

July 22 -- Today, as I was picking bone fragments from my rotting flesh, a river snake emerged in front of me. Possible brains! I lunged for the creature, but it spat in my face and I fell into the bog. Humiliated, I heard laughter as I surfaced. The indignity! As my anger grew, I felt elemental energies manifest around me. My nearby minions winced in pain as my Spectral Hit activated. They shambled for cover as LE bolts scorched the foul air. Perhaps I overreacted, but dire hunger has made me cranky. I am the mighty Black Hack, no one laughs at my expense!

July 26 -- A loud commotion disturbed my slumber! I awoke to see a group of adventurers, led by a blonde warrior. Hubba hubba, check out those voluptuous curves! (Of course, I was referring to her exquisite skull structure, which no doubt housed some extra-large Grade A brains, ripe for the picking!) Eager to feed, I pursued her into the hallway. Her companions, a male and female armed with spears, moved to protect her. She threw a javelin, which missed me entirely, yet erupted mid-air into a fog of toxins. Ha! She was clearly unaware of my high poison resistance, a trait we zombies share. Suddenly, a fourth warrior appeared in front of me, within my grasp! What luck! I rained blows upon her head. She did not fight back, perhaps she was freely offering me her brains?! :lovestruck:

One final lightning-enchanted punch crushed her skull, which exploded in a bizarre hail of bright red sparks. But where were the brains? Or for that matter, any part of her? Frantically I searched the ground in disbelief. Disheartened, I stood in stunned silence as my dreams of a brain-feast dissolved into nothingness. My minions and some gloams tried to hold off her guards, to no avail. They fell quickly, littering the ground with a curiously large number of gold coins. As I absorbed heavy blows, I swatted at the large female guard. A frost nova chilled me, and then I lost consciousness. Now I am in limbo, awaiting reincarnation. Writing my journal helps keep my mind off my unsatisfied appetite. Perhaps some good will come of this, as long as I am re-assigned far away from that horrid Pit.

end excerpt.
Mar 19, 2020
Originally posted by Insane Wayne on Aug 21, 2008.

Black Hack said:
Now I am in limbo, awaiting reincarnation. ...Perhaps some good will come of this, as long as I am re-assigned far away from that horrid Pit.

Excerpts from the diary of Black Hack, part 4:

August 1 --
My wish has been granted! Open skies! Crisp, clean, fresh air! A new lease on life... (or, at least, undeadness, since technically I'm not alive). I am re-born as a lightning-enchanted skeletal archer, assigned to the Frozen Tundra. My arrows also have a built-in chilling effect, plus I have cold resistance. Still, the icy breeze is a little hard on my bones. But this view is fantastic!

August 3 -- Hmm... mixed results during target practice. I can hit any stationary target, without fail. But as soon as the target moves, I keep firing behind it. :\ Why can't I get the hang of this? Fortunately, additional training has upgraded my attacks. I have now mastered Multiple-Shot, 😁 which compensates for my lousy aim!

August 9 -- Reinforcements are here. Packs of temptresses are fluttering by, which are certainly a lot easier on the eyes than the repugnant goats and imps common to these parts. Everyone is tense, there is word that the amazon hero is climbing to the summit, ransacking the entire landscape. There is nowhere to hide, she is reportedly leaving no stone unturned during her quest for riches. Perhaps I can surprise her with my powerful ranged attack! My minions and I will camp behind a fortification.

August 10 -- She has arrived, I hear pounding on the door next to me! It soon exploded into splinters as her team emerged. A poison cloud erupted in my face. Silly amazon, I am now fully immune to poison! I carefully took aim. Suddenly the phantom duplicate female appeared in front of me. I am no longer fooled by her, nevertheless, her presence briefly blocked most of my arrows until I killed it.

As I lined up my next shot, several white sparks burst from my body. My arrows arced limply, a fraction of their normal speed! What the hell?! Horrified, I examined my bowstring. The hero's mercenary advanced and thrust his weapon into me. Sadly, I quickly learned (the hard way) that I lack the toughness of my former zombie body. Each jab shattered several bones. My skeleton is collapsing into pieces!

...the world is spinning, faster and faster. What's going on? Oh... I get it... my decapitated head is rolling down the hillside. What a strange view! Sky earth sky earth sky snow sky, Wheeee !!!!!!!!! Oh well, this gig was fun while it lasted.

end excerpt.
Mar 19, 2020
Originally posted by Insane Wayne on Aug 26, 2008.

Excerpts from the diary of Black Hack, part 5:

August 16 --
mmmm... Crunchy crunchy slurp crunch! I love to gnaw on the bones of these fresh corpses. I need a lot of raw meat to keep up my strength. My metabolism is off the charts! I am now a Rat Man, patrolling the Catacombs. My brothers in the Kurast jungle (flayers and fetish dolls) would be so jealous if they knew about the awesome grub here. You see, there are dozens of tasty rogue women here, practically defenseless! I can't contain my excitement! I admit that I am having trouble controlling myself. I believe I have some form of hyperactivity disorder. OK, time to run 10,000 laps. :crazyeyes: Hee hee hee hee!

August 20 -- Hee hee hee hee hee! Whoa, I haven't slept in four days! I forgot to mention, my diet has been supplemented with a nourishing nectar, a sweet concoction presented by Andariel herself! (She promised it would improve my energy.) It is a demonic elixir containing exotic alien substances such as Red Bull, Coke, Espresso, leaper blood, Pixy Stix, ice cream, and Mrs. Butterworth's. :guiness:My heart is about to burst from my chest, yet I can't get enough!!!

August 23 -- Huh?! An amazon hero is here! It's hard for me to focus... Oh yeah, I remember her... :grrr:........I must protect Andariel at all costs, the supplier of my sugar smoothies!

Yuck! :yuck: I've inhaled some poison! I will retreat to recuperate behind this coffin. I'm so small, it's easy for me to hide.

Think, Black Hack, think... focus on your strengths. Remember how it felt to hunt all those rogues, using stealth, surprise, and a chemical-induced knife-stabbing frenzy. Ahh, sweet memories...

I sprang into action, charging at full speed towards her, knife raised. My Holy Fire Aura released a pulse of flame into her face. Now I've got you! Activating psycho-stabby action!

*Ding ding clang ding clonk ding clang*

What the crap?! I'm not seeing any blood? Dammit, she is clad in solid metal! Unlike the rogues in their skimpy leather, this amazon has head-to-toe full plate mail, and a gigantic steel shield!! Even her shins are protected!

I ran away, but she pursued me, cutting me off at a doorway. She infected me with another potent toxin. I can feel the life draining away. *twitch shudder spasm thud*
What an exit, at least my death throes look cool!

end excerpt.
Mar 19, 2020
Originally posted by Insane Wayne on Sep 19, 2008.

Excerpts from the diary of Black Hack, part 6:

August 29 --
Black Hack lives again! There's just no stopping me. Although, I must admit, I'm not too proud about my reincarnation as a maggot. :p It's not so bad though. In less than a day, I carved out a little burrow, found myself a maggot-wife, and fathered over 100 newborn baby Hacks! Just in time too, because here comes the greedy amazon! Attack, my young ones!

A blinding light scorched the slimy walls, as dozens of lightning streaks pierced through my little army. No one survived except me! There was not much I could do to fight back. After I gave each intruder a spit-poisoning, they started beating on me. Brrr... I feel a chilling attack mixed in there, I wonder if it's possible for me to be shattered by freez--

September 4 -- It's good to have friends in low places. After another 6 days, I am free again! Awesome assignment: I'm a boss unraveler guarding a False Tomb, and I have my own trained skeleton squad. Plus, I can resurrect these guys all day long!

September 5 -- The battle didn't go well. Her mercenary used his magical enchantment which transformed all my warriors into ice cubes. How am I supposed to re-animate a heap of slush!! As my last guard was pulverized, we all felt exhausted, and called a truce. The next half hour was pretty cool. We cracked jokes, shared our hopes and dreams, and discussed the crazy world we live in. Would the good times last? Unfortunately no, and I find myself in limbo yet again.

September 11 -- My life has come full circle. I'm back in the same miserable environment where I first met the dreaded amazon: the repulsive dank dungeons of the Kurast jungle. I recall my existence as a zombie back then, feebly chasing after the Undead Dolls, trying to eat their brains.

Well, now I AM a doll! My adversary left me with her clone, then disappeared. Soon, she attacked from an alternate route. I caught her at a bad time again, right near a level-up, for the third time in a row. She says I'm her good luck charm, but you'd never know it the way she treats me.

end excerpt.
Mar 19, 2020
Originally posted by Insane Wayne on Oct 17, 2008.

Excerpts from the diary of Black Hack, part 7:

September 12 --
Well, I'm not too proud of my latest performance. I was chatting with a new friend, not paying attention, when I took a plague to the face. I barely made it past the gate. :ashamed:

September 19 -- This is depressing. I thought I was lucky when I spawned as a speedy slinger with some good attack mods. Only to find out (much too late) that my powerful javelins pass harmlessly through the amazon's team! :ponder: They walked up and skewered me before I could retreat. :bored:

September 20 -- Usually it takes 6 days to reincarnate, but this time I came back as a snow beast, overnight! The situation must be desperate, to receive such express service. Here's the best part: I feel great about my chances to stop the hero! I'm part of a strong double-boss pack of beasts.

September 21 -- We were alert, and our ambush was perfect. We attacked with all our combined might: Extra Strong, Cursed, Blessed Aim, FE, LE, and Spectral Hit. Nice! But the damn poison... it really sapped our strength. We killed the valkyrie and drove them back around the corner, but could not catch the amazon. After another dose of toxins, I was the last standing, but not by much.

September 24 -- This is it, my final encounter with the blonde hero. Again, I came back earlier than usual, as part of an emergency strategy to defend Lord Baal. I'm a Flayer boss (for the second time), backed up by powerful Black Souls. My only hope was to avoid to poison cloud, but I got held up by my crowded minions.

Doomed, I attempted to rush her and unleash my imminent death bomb. Unfortunately, her plague was a bit stronger this time. I failed to close the gap, and exploded in a spectacular fiery, bloody, icy display. What an exit! My nova stopped short of her toes, just my luck! :p

end excerpt.
Mar 19, 2020
Originally posted by jiansonz on Dec 15, 2013.

Excerpt from the diary of Black Hack
Me and my pals were summoned by an urn to an ice cave today. Evil urns they call them, which is appropriate, seeing as we get no time to prepare for the fight.
I am a weird beast this time. I can use burrowing tentacles or I can smack the hero like usual. I am labelled as Cursed. Yeah, like I did not know that already! Cursed to be forever reborn and smacked around by all kinds of heroes, except the ultra rare occasions where we win. That is less often than one in thousand times. Sigh.

So, who do we fight this time? A strange-looking woman, the kind that is usually accompanied by a burly lad with a polearm. This one looks to be alone, though. She has long dark hair and her face is hidden behind a huge metal helmet with horns. She looks hesitant, runs towards us, then back, forth and back, then zigzags around a bit. She holds a bow but no arrows are coming. Weird. Some of my pals try some spikes at her but nearly all miss. She is not standing still long enough for that to be effective. "You three, tie her up so I and the rest can spike her!".

Where did my troops go? I hear no fighting. I have a bad feeling about this.
"Oh well, we have to move in. Let's go!"

Oh crap, the three are dead already! "There she is. You two, charge!
Guys! Did you not hear me?
You...two...are no more?!?"

Oh dear, there are flames everywhere! IT BURNS! AAAAHHHhh...glrg!"
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