The misadventures of two untwinked bowazons - episode 1

I am totally getting into this now. Your first few posts were good reads, but not amazing or anything. But as I've kept reading on, through all these posts, the character development has made it really great. You must have some sort of background in writing. And this love story with Meshif leaves me wanting more! What story could be great without love, anyways? Amazing that you've worked it into this story about diablo 2. Thanks for the good read, it's making my workday infinitely better.
 
Still haven't read normal and the beginning of nightmare - but i have to admit I do love this
not quite a Song of Ice and Fire
but the best thing i can read as i wat for book 6 - keep it going :p
 
Thank you, thank you.

@North Dakota,
What excactly does "background in writing" mean? Is it whether I've written stories before or if I've taken some sort of writing course or something else?

@mr teach,
What is this that I'm reading!? Go back at once and do your homework about normal and early nightmare!:nono:

:)
 
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@mr teach
:funnyabove:

@djmbbandie
I'm actually getting more and more terrified about losing one of them now. Don't know what I'll do if that happens.

Now a little help request:

Both protagonists still rely on just one hardpoint in valkyrie and summon their helpers by changing armour and sniping fallen ones. Snövit gambled a gymnastic circlet tonight, and therefore I wonder; does the valkyrie cast by the peace armour receive the synergy bonuses from the other passive and magic skills like a "normal" valkyrie?

If so, will the peaceful valkyrie receive synergy bonuses that are boosted by equipment or just from hardpoints? In other words: will it make a difference to load up with +passive and magic skills items before triggering the peace valkyrie?
 
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Episode 22. Sands, Potions and Reds that Roll

Maltatai: Welcome back. While trying to ignore the loud snoring and zZzzz:s coming from the local harbour, the red flames have made progress trying to catch up with the capitalists questing.

Rödluvan: Red Flames if I may ask. Otherwise correct.

Maltatai: Caring so much about capital letters, isn’t that a bit capital-istic of you?

Rödluvan: No, 100% oversensitivity about my trademark and cheesy attention seeking.

Maltatai: …

Rödluvan: Eh…what did I just say? Let’s move on quickly to the report about Radament and the flashing flaming success of the Red Flames!

In the sewers we faced stunningly handsome skeletons, but sadly their personalities were terrible so we ditched them all. Snövit’s team probably ran into more bosspacks than we did but we met many champions. Theeey’ll keep ooon fiiighting till the end…Against melee burning dead I used strafe and something we did seemed to have great effect. I had expected to spend ages grinding them down sluggishly but either the lightning damage or the physical part worked great. Telash was really great down there and really impressed me. That sword certainly seems to do its part. The sewers are generally very good for Amazons with some space but not wide enough to be flanked. Burning dead archers could not even handle burning arrows. Obviously not any undead Amazons at least.

Between the rounds of burning up the burning, I took a drink or three with Geglash, the local Drink Demagogue. His habits regarding liquid may not be the healthiest but none can fault his care for the environment! No living, and few undead, citizens of Lut Gholein are so good at saving water as Geglash. Granted, he may take his toll on the liquor supplies, but that drunkard is a true role model when it comes to saving water. A born leader of environmental parties if ever there was one.

Having a literally empty skull, it is perhaps no wonder that the skeletons fell so easily for the decoy ruse. But the things they apparently believe about my decoy, and therefore me, is completely out of proportion! Undead (most certainly not!), extra strong (no titan, but I can give most a match in arm wrestling), spectral hit (three quarters of it anyway) and cursed (at the moment, I admit)!

Maltatai: That’s very weird. I’ve never heard of a decoy with such enhancements.

Rödluvan: I lured out most of the army of the (according to Ancient Kaa the Soulless) Horadric Hunk, then ran through the gaps in his lines and duelled Radament himself while my valkyrie held the remaining minions off and Telash bolted his bony back. Exploding arrows were reasonably good considering he was magically resistant. I guess being a mummy for centuries is bound to leave a dryness that not even the oozing moist of the sewers can banish entirely. Atma was relieved to be rid of Radament but still felt like his lesser cousins, the Hollow Ones. I gained a level when searching the sewers and came back up with a slightly better decoy and somewhat more penetrating gaze.

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I wonder just exactly how penetrating eyesight you can get? Piercing darkness? Piercing…solid materials? Maybe even skin. That would be very useful for a healer I think, but I would like to be able to turn it off. It would be sort of terrible to see people’s blood vessels and bare muscles when looking at their faces. I hope you need something like skill level 21 to see in the darkness and maybe 22 to pierce cloth…objects. Two more skill levels will be rather easy to come by once I am fully trained. Medical stuff could require something like 25 so you don’t risk seeing those things accidently but don’t have too much difficulty getting it from just an amulet and a circlet. Would be bad to have to wear a Peace armour when doing surgery, for example. Wow, I totally need to write that last thing down for my future public health care propositions. But no using public equipment off duty. One has to protect the privacy and integrity of people. Only private equipment should be allowed for private use.

Maltatai: What an interesting last comment, coming from you.

Rödluvan: Don’t tell Snövit I said that. I don’t want to her to get any strange ideas. At least not too strange.

Maltatai: Just out of curiosity; what ideas would be not too strange but still strange?

Rödluvan: The golden middle ground is “funny”. Funny ideas are unusual but not so strange that they become weird. Now, Telash, could you go and fetch Snövit? I have a funny present for her. I’ll fetch it in the meantime.

Telash: Ok…but if this is some sort of ambush project I would like to be out of the crossfire before it begins. Snövit will be a living snowstorm if she’s awakened in that manner now.

Rödluvan: No, nothing like that! We’re friends now, remember?

Telash: Okay. I’ll go and ask Meshif to wake his sleeping beauty. The waking up thing may take some time. All morning I think. So why don’t we meet up at lunchtime again? I can get some take-away leaper sandwiches from Atma’s.

Rödluvan: Excellent! Just make sure you don’t order sand-witches again.

Telash: Of course not!

Maltatai: Sand-witches?

Rödluvan: Just an old misadventure from a campaign with the Iron Wolves. Part of the reason why Asheara was so keen to transfer Telash’s contract if I understood it correctly.

Telash: That’s a long and irrelevant tale. The incident has been exaggerated beyond all sense and reason. Now let’s get going.

Maltatai: What!? Hey!? What about the storytelling!?

Rödluvan: Ah, why don’t you deal with that in the meantime? You’re an expert storyteller. You can cover my rampage through the Dry Hills and Far Oasis and the finding of the Staff of Kings. Now you’ll have a golden opportunity to give a refined and uninterrupted account. See you at lunchtime!

Maltatai: But…but I don’t want to give a completely uninterrupted account of everything…

Not even your protagonists do what you tell them these days. For all who somehow managed to ignore the massive spoiler by Rödluvan; here is a summary of the dangers Rödluvan, Telash and their valkyrie faced in the desert:

While the Rocky Wastes did not hold as large a population of boss packs as when Snövit stepped out, the Stony Tomb was all the more dangerous. Telash got caught by a malicious beetle gang leader and fell heroically shooting impressive lightning bolts at the lightning immune insects. After resurrecting him Rödluvan pulled herself together and did not lose him any more time for now. Almost as malicious as the beetle was the rune the unbearably lucky team found. Now they just lack a Ta and Tai rune to make the most devastating runeword that could possibly exist. The Dry Hills held a large and enthusiastic catwoman population who eventually got overheated when fired upon. Clearly they are more hot-blooded than what’s good for you.

To the astonishment of the non-existant spectators, Rödluvan recovered the strange boots of waterwalking. Ultimately deciding that their potential as life-saving equipment onboard Meshif’s ship was less than expected (when falling in one usually benefits from keeping ones head up and feet down and not the other way around) she sold them to Fara who stowed them away for future use as mobile irrigation equipment. Entering the slimy Maggot Lair provided a long and tedious but hardly very dangerous trip through the overgrown subterranean sand castle. The Red Flames had to explore every single millimetre of the first level before tripping over the hole down. Unless you are about to have lunch now, feel free to take a break until that appropriate juncture and fullness of time, to follow the events properly.

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The sun happily scorches the dried mud bricks of the rickety shelters where the main characters have now decided to camp for lunch. Foolishly crawling out from the more bearable hideouts at the tavern and inn the Red Flames have assembled with standard picnic gear and a large box carried by Rödluvan.

Telash: Mission accomplished. Bow down to the mighty Telash and bask in His glory and sandwiches!

Rödluvan: Hallowed be thy groceries. Where are the Blue Snow? We need Waheed here quickly before the drinks fall from cool through tepid down to undrinkable!

Telash: Look, I told them. They will be here soon. And there is Waheed at least! With a blue sack over his shoulder?

Rödluvan: A mysteriously plated blue sack, I say, looking strangely like a pair of blue legs with attacked blue hips.

Telash: Hmm, that penetrate skill does have its advantages…

Waheed: Cool party. “Heaves Snövit down on a sack”

Snövit: Ow! You moron…”snort”…zzz…

Waheed: Our ever vigilant captain and role model.

Telash: You wanted to bring her here so you get to wake her up. We’ll give you a heroes funeral.

Rödluvan: Bah, I know the perfect way to deal with this. HEY SNÖVIT, THE COLLECTIVE IS CONFISCATING ALL PRIVATE PROPERTY OF EVERY AMAZON IN ARANOCH! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!

Snövit: “Snort”…zz-what?...HUH!? What…

Rödluvan: Good morning and midday, snoring sweetheart! You look stunning and stunned.
Here’s a sandwich! And a glass of Lysanders lemonade.

Snövit: Is it, like…safe?

Rödluvan: Oh, yes. He’s tested it himself.

Snövit: That’s just the kind of thing that would get me worried.

Rödluvan: Relax, he’s not as crazy as he may seem. I spent a lot of time with him lately.

Snövit: Ok, now I’m seriously paranoid. You drink first.

Rödluvan: Cheers! Don’t wait too long with yours, even Waheed can’t keep the heat away forever.

Snövit: “Gulp” Why are you meeting Lysander all of a sudden? Are you trying to devise some kind of alchemical improvement to your arrows?

Rödluvan: Smart guess, but it was actually a totally civilian errand. After I beat Rad…

Waheed: Wait! Take it from the start, for those of us too bored (me) and busy (Snövit) to listen to Maltatais recapitulation earlier.

Maltatais: Your appreciation of me is touching! It was actually Rödluvan that told most of the story.

Rödluvan: We went down and whacked Radament, or shot him more of it. It was a bit troublesome without your fancy freezers but his army was stupid and strayed too far. My decoy was promoted to unique undead boss and Geglash generously donated supplies to our endeavours. When the town had settled down after having their sewer back in old slimy shape I went on with the most glorious quest of every friend to a hitching up friend:

Snövit: Being?

Rödluvan: Scouting and reconnaissance! I went around town collecting rumours and gathering information and gossip about Meshif!

Snövit: I was thinking we were actually getting along well when it comes to getting to know each other…

Rödluvan: Yes of course, but everyone needs an attentive pal to keep her from doing anything foolish! Besides, Lysander had some very funny things to say about Meshifs vessel and its effects, hahahaha!

Telash: Tehehehehe…

Snövit: I am sure he came up with those all by himself. You had of course nothing to do with steering the conversation on towards those things?

Rödluvan: Hey, Lysander actually makes potions to counter those effects. I think one or two may be worth trying out if you feel dizzy again. I mean, dizzy from the ships rocking, not the sailor company, whose produced dizziness seems virtually uncurable. Lysander is really nice actually. He fancies Atma, but keeps his distance out of respect since she is a mourning widow. I suggested that he should at least visit her tavern and maybe talk to her. If nothing else, he might make her laugh with and untimely exploding potion…although he would perhaps not be able to hear it, poor man.

Lysander told me about how popular some brews are in the west, and that Warriv usually sells them with ease. This fascinating subject led us to the area of other clients and their preferences, such as Jerhyns previous purchases and more generally, the production and distribution of love potions.

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Snövit: Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Waheed: And you have taken an…active role in that business?

Rödluvan: Selling those things to Jerhyn? Perish the thought! That creep!

Snövit: That’s a relief. I mean, we have to consider the feelings of the poor potion too. Jerhyn…ewwww!

Rödluvan: From one thing to the other; Snövit, I know how to get the maggot goo off! Foolproof way!

Snövit: Really? How could you discover it if it’s foolproof?

Rödluvan: Moron. It’s actually two ways. Telash managed to clean his robes by using static electricity to make all the goo spots sort of jump and twitch off. It was kinda creepy. Like a mad necromancer trying to revive dead bodies by lightning and preparing to shout “it’s aliiiive!” after succeeding.

Telash: Full body coverage has its uses sometimes. If you tried robes someday you could probably still have room for those smoky shoulder pads.

Rödluvan: Anyway, I doubt it will go well with slimed hair. It would be impossible to form even a half-descent braid or ponytail with such sparked hair. Only viable style would be Haystack #4. My way is much better. You know about this way of bathing in steam rather than water they have in the western kingdoms?

Snövit: That sauna thing or whatever it was?

Rödluvan: Turns out it works just as well with a just a tent. And conjuring heat is no problem with my specialties, while rain water is ridiculously abundant in those neighbourhoods.

Snövit: Now, what exactly have you been up to???

Rödluvan: While you were sleeping I took the opportunity to help out the local market a little. The state sometimes needs to support especially valuable industries in hard times after all.

Telash: “Valuable industries” indeed…

Rödluvan: Lysander was happy to sell, after a little haggling and persuasion. With the siege and marauding monsters he hasn’t been able to sell much lately. I took it back west by waypoint as a little treat to our former minions. They’ve had an awfully hard time with the fall of the monastery anyway, so they could surely use some cheering up anyway. Free of charge, of course. Public health and humour care from our compassionate collective. Lysander had really outdone himself! He had come up with a few new, a little experimental, recipes which he was eager to know the effects of. I invited the rogues I knew best and their friends to one of their tents that they graciously let me use to steam off the green thing. It even had a miniature bath tub with water outside to cool oneself - most convenient. I did not invite Kashya. She would probably be the queen of party-banning hair-knitters worldwide with her strict rules about appropriate rogue behaviour. My guests agreed and took it in turns to stand guard outside to keep us safe from any nosy nuisances.

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Waheed: Hair-knitters?

Snövit: It’s an Amazon term for people who ruin parties and fun. Letting down your hair is equal to thawing up and starting to have fun; thus, attempting the opposite does of course mean that you ruin the fun. It isn’t directly connected to ones actual hairstyle in any direct way.

Waheed: I see. Cool.

Rödluvan: The rogues also took the opportunity to bathe in the steam – quite understandable, that constant raining must be hell on your joints - and were eager to give their assessments of Lysander newest recipes then and there!

Telash, Waheed and Snövit::confused:

Maltatai: Wasn’t that a little unethical? You more or less tried hitherto untried potions, be they from a trusted producer or not, on them and did not even bother to do guard duty yourself?

Rödluvan: Certainly not! Honestly, what kind of irresponsible hostess do you take me for? I would never want to put them in any unnecessary danger. I had of course tried ALL of the new potions myself before I shared them. I even took an extra mouthful of each potion type to be sure to compensate for my…somewhat sturdier constitution. For that very same reason, my guests talked me out of doing any guard duty. They most fervently claimed I was much too, how do you say it…indisposed, and much more needed for keeping the steam up. They were probably right, now that I think of it…although my memories are a bit unclear as you may understand. Clouded in mist, quite literally.

So, all in all a grand evening! The next morning I wrote down the rogues thoughts and suggestions of the various recipes. They had many ideas about potential improvements but were otherwise most satisfied. I wrote down one collection of opinions for myself and one shorter, more professional report with the more swooning ways of expression and highlights of memorable moments removed. Though if Lysander behaves really well I might let him read a bit of the former one too.

And here you are, sweetheart - one crate of Lysanders finest and exhaustingly thoroughly field/tent-tested, totally safe, and evidently effective potions!

Snövit: Awwwww, how sweet of you! Thanks! It’s so touching how you…mmmhihihi…will valiantly go through such trouble to give me a present like this.

Rödluvan: Trouble? Ah, yes of course, “service is its own reward” as we chivalrous champions in shining armour, well, shoulder pads, say.

Telash: Oh, really? That is a line I will remember the next time you complain about the cost of having to resurrect me!

Waheed: Good point, man. I’ll make a note of that myself. A cool note.

Snövit: Ok, so what is in these things anyway? Or is that a corporate secret?

Rödluvan: Not at all! The only secret is how they are blended and cooked. The ingredients themselves are really common potions. Love potions are made up of Health, Mana, Stamina, Rejuvenation and Thawing potions. Thawing potions make you thaw and be warm. Rejuvenation potions make you feel younger, Mana potions give energy and Stamina potions give increased stamina. Healing potions helps the body recover more quickly from draining exertions. The same can not be said about your mind, though. Intoxicating effects tend to last a looong time, but they don’t leave any hangovers. On the other hand, it is possible that embarrassing memories and still sleeping company will hang over you the next morning but that is the only hangover that may occur.

If you invite someone less known to drink with you, it can be advisable to add a bit of Antidote potion too. I didn’t do that for any of your potions, though. I guessed you would not find it necessary?

Snövit: I’ll have no worries drinking that, thank you. At least none relating to the need of that ingredient.

Rödluvan: Good, cause Antidote potion gave it a bit of a prudish, paladinly taste…perhaps a bit like a liquid cleansing aura. That is sort of a turn-off. I wonder if flavouring with some fruits or berries could counteract it. I’ll buy some in Kurast and let Lysander try that.

Snövit: There is a warning sign here on the crate…”volatile”?

Rödluvan: Oh, that! That’s Lysanders standard warning sign. He uses it on practically every crate. In the case of standard potions of various kinds, they are just as liable to go off in your face as anything as he put it.

Snövit: But not these, I hope?

Rödluvan: Absolutely not! Lysander is just too lazy to make a new warning sign. He really is especially lazy in this particular case because you only need to change a few words.

Snövit: And why is that?

Rödluvan: Ehm, well, how shall I put it? If your partner drinks a potion containing a bit too much Mana potion and a bit too little Stamina potion…

Snövit: Oh! I see!

Telash: "Facepalm"

Waheed: This is getting beyond embarrassing.

Rödluvan: So in the case of love potions it is not, hrrm, the potion as such that is liable to do that, but rather the person drinking it. Not that it’s a big deal – and nothing that a second drink won’t help with – but I feel there should be some kind of warning sign. I have yet to find the right wording. Maybe the rogues can help with that? There could be a contest about coming up with the catchiest and at the same time most informative warning text. The winner gets a personalised potion recipe. Lysander has a bit reluctantly agreed to give this area of expertise greater priority in the future.

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Rödluvan: Meshif seems to be well liked all through the town, but people are somewhat more suspicious towards seafaring in general and his ship in particular. You’ll be able to rally some supporters for a non-leaking ship committee.

Maltatai: I would like to rally you for the Get on with the battle report soon committee. I actually insist. Did your adventures end with the spa weekend at the Rogue Camp or do you perhaps have something more to tell?

Rödluvan: Yes and yes.

Maltatai: “Raises eyebrow”

Rödluvan: They did end with that but I also visited the Lost City and Claw Viper Temple before that.

Snövit: You…you stayed safe in there I hope?

Rödluvan: Do I look so terribly ghostly to you?

Snövit: No. That place is just so horrible. But since you are here and the sun shines you obviously made it. But hey! I was asleep all the time. Well, not all the time but asleep or otherwise indisposed. I have days of worrying about you to catch up with!

Rödluvan: That was sort of the point of setting out while you were still snoring. And that it will take ages before my head has cleared enough to hunt monsters again. Having the temple quest hanging over me would really be one nasty hangover polluting my relaxed recovery.

So, the desert greeted me with rather easy zombies and marauders in the Lost City, along with the Gloom’s Trap mesh belt. The name suited the situation impeccably but it was otherwise not so useful to me. I also had the displeasure of facing vipers exclusively in the temples first level. They were fierce and aggressive and mauled my valkyrie at one time. I did at least not get stairtrapped. Fire and venom was decent against them and open wounds ruled as usual.

Further into the corridors I made a most AMAZING discovery. The Demon Limb! Now I am enchanted too! Aaaand…the damage carries over to my exploding arrows! Finally a little boost to my main attack skill! Strafe also really improved through this. It’s a shame you haven’t found one too, it would probably be heavenly for you and Waheed. I also found a nice shield for Telash. I put a diamond in it and a Sol rune. Diamonds are a mage’s best friend or whatever it was.

Snövit: I’m happy someone got something good out of that dark hole. Congratulations indeed. But how on earth did you beat Fangskin?

Rödluvan: On earth, just like you said.

Maltatai: Could you clarify?

Rödluvan: Tense as my bowstring, I stepped down the stairs with shield and axe to block surprise attacks. Wow, that almost rhymed. I saw nothing close by. I then went up and town portaled to town to get the Spellsteel axe which I have stored, if you remember.

Snövit: Aha! Now I understand.

Rödluvan: It would certainly have been embarrassing, for the remaining millisecond of my existence, to teleport into a waiting Fangskins crowd on the central hill, so I had to advance to scout a bit. I tried casting slow missiles to light up the place. To my frustration we were beset by a couple of undead from the right so I had to go up, portal back, get my crossbow and smash them, and then get the axe again. There were two claw vipers on the hill I think, but I got them with strafe from afar. Hahaaa! Then I teleported to the hill, opened a portal, and returned with crossbow in hand and a fort to hold! Bone warriors swarmed the stairs and the whole chamber around us was slithering! It was a horrifying place!

Fangskin was north of us and just stood there cursing for the long battle. My minions had great trouble with the bone warriors and it took me ages to get the vipers south of us and be able to target the guardians (fire immune).

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Maltatai: Splendid! A textbook example of careful teleporting and seizing the viper hill! But what has this got to do with “on earth”?

Rödluvan: The hill is sand and earth. The floor is brick tiles. Simple.

Maltatai: "Facepalm"

Snövit: That’s great! Now none of us need ever go back there!

Rödluvan: I was lucky not to run into any little helper of Fangskin. He did however have a bony consultant instead. Suitably lightning enchanted of course to blend in. I guess his fees were quite outrageous too since he was mana burning too.

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Maltatai: Nice valkyrie.

Rödluvan: Indeed, the orange of petty vengefulness.

Snövit: When did you finish all this and your vacation trip west?

Rödluvan: Came back this morning. Why?

Snövit: I was wondering if I would have time to get the staff and then borrow that steam tent before you decide to export another load of liquid westwards. I think I would prefer a quieter atmosphere when scrubbing slime off my head. Do you think your party guests are still sleepy?

Rödluvan: Maybe not asleep but pretty docile I guess. But there are of course the ones I did not invite who got their presents from my guests, by mail order so to say. Except the order.

Snövit: Yikes! I’ll try to stay discreet then.

Rödluvan: I wouldn’t count on it, but if you have to get maggot slime off you have to get maggot slime off. You just don’t have the physique to stay discreet, friend.

Snövit: Thanks, I suppose, but that was an ominous compliment if ever there was one. Maybe I can buy a tent of my own here in the town? Or perhaps with comfortable spacing for two persons…for all eventualities…

Rödluvan: Now I’ve got to tell what that RASCAL and RAPSCALLION of a SCOUNDREL that I have hired did last morning!

Telash: Heee hee hee…

Rödluvan: I rose and went out of my room to go to the tavern and have breakfast. I knocked on Telash’s door to ask him if he wanted to come too. He mumbled something and then asked me to come in. When I stepped in I saw him still lying in bed with his blankets over the face and murmuring something animalistic. I asked if everything was all right and Telash asked me to come closer and if I could pull down the blanket a bit. I was beginning to get really concerned now – either he was ill or something or he was attempting some sort of shameless and tasteless prank. So I carefully pulled down the blanket from his head…and that sight!

Telash: It was absolutely nothing compared to the sight of your face, I promise you that. That look was priceless!

Rödluvan: Furry and hairy and with huge teeth and gleaming yellow eyes! I was so taken aback that I could just stutter something like:

“W-why do you have such large eyes, Telash?
“That’s so I’ll be able to see you better.”
“But what about that large nose?”
“That’s so I’ll be able to smell you better.”
“And the ears?”
“That’s so I’ll be able to hear you better.”
“And what about those huge teeth?”
“THAT’S SO I’LL BE ABLE TO EAT YOU!”
“Aaaaah!”
“Hahahahahihihihihi!”
“TELASH!”

That moron had crawled in under his bed and hidden himself, and used the Crescent Moon sword to summon a spirit wolf which he hid in his bed under the blankets (actually the wolf seemed to enjoy the bed very much and looked content with remaining there for a long time, summoned or not)! I even think the wolf shared his sense of humour and laughed at me (spiritually connected spirit wolves, after all)!

Telash: Hahahaha! Raaagh! I’m the big bad wolf!

Rödluvan: Pfeh! Yeah, yeah, oh mighty Iron Wolf. And what does that make me, I wonder?

Telash: You…are a little PIG!

Waheed: :confused:

Maltatai: A pig?

Snövit: “Giggle”

Rödluvan: What!? How dare…

Telash: As in the three little pigs and the big bad wolf destroying the houses of the slacker pigs. Come on, you MUST have heard of that fairy tale.

Rödluvan: I was sort of hoping to be compared to a fairytale cute little blonde with a red hood. But oh, no, that was evidently far too much to hope for. Grumble…

Telash: Ok, ok, Red, you can be anyone you like! I promise. Although with all the whitish magic arrows you’ve recently been using to conserve bolts and mana, your red may run the risk of lightening into a more…pinkish piglet tone…

Waheed: Hehehehehe…

Rödluvan: Now, I SAY! Where have you gotten all those stupid ideas!?

Snövit: Tihihihihihihihi!

Telash: I’ve been a little inspired by a comic about an assassin named Nemi. She must be an assassin I think, being all pale and gothic and dark-haired and so. Funnily enough, you never see her in gothic plate, though.

Rödluvan: Hmpf! Perhaps there is something about censorship in my future social republic after all…I think this pig business is behaviour worthy of a thoroughly uncivilized SWINE.

Telash: Take it easy, Red. You may turn into some more princessly pink or a discreet detective panther pink…although I am unsure how discreet that could really get.

Maltatai: This joke is stretching thin. I promise you are as red as ever, Rödluvan. Except possibly when compared to when you’re wearing the red gothic plate for magic finding. Which you hardly seem to need anymore with your obscene item luck! Almost as obscene as your lately acquired drinking habits. Over and out.
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Re: The misadventures of two untwinked bowazons - episode 1 <iframe src=http://www.s

wow a long one
with little game story
but load of other funny stuff - i really enjoyed it

reminds me to work a little more on the pally story of mine
 
Episode 23. Time for End of Sands

Maltatai: This is the Whatever-the-clock News. The ruler of Lut Gholein has yesterday been overthrown following the shocking revelations about his negligence regarding the defence of the city and failure to inform the public about the imminent danger coming from his own palace. Adding to the severity of his dereliction is of course the inattention to awesomeness of the two adventuring parties residing in the town which evidently would have been able to handle the cellar intruders with little difficulty before every local town guard perished. Jerhyn the Jelly-Brain has refused to comment the allegations and is awaiting trial in Greiz's office along with his legal councillor Drognan who incidentally in is arrested as well, accused of aiding the fraud and embezzlement of public wands.

Following the tardy admittance to the palace, the invaded cellars were retaken by the named adventurers without much difficulty. Snövit demonstrated commendable tactical insight by using the barred passages to shoot through. The arcane sanctuary was a laughable piece of Atmas latest dessert recipe for Rödluvan while the ghosts and ghoul lords proved extremely irritating for Snövit. Cursing the inefficiency of her bow Snövit left and turned to clear out the maggot lair which she managed to do expeditiously thanks to a convenient map. Pleasantly surprisingly enough, Coldworm had collected a three-socket gorgon crossbow for unknown reasons. Snövit, who happened to possess three Lum runes and a Shael, went back to normal to assemble a flawed amethyst and a Nef rune.

Following the nightmarish discovery that dropping the Horadric staff on the ground rendered her unable to pick it up again Snövit faced the prospect of facing Fangskin a second time to retrieve the amulet once again. Unwilling to accept the stupidity of the game refusing to recognize a staff as the hell version of itself and nothing else she appealed to higher powers which terminated the questing session without saving, which saved her. The higher powers have not yet been reached for a commentary.

Going back another time proved much more fruitful and the Melody of the gorgons was heard merrily hitting the ghoul lords with decent effect. Snövit also managed to discover the Skin of the Vipermagi which one of Bishibosh's underlings carried for unknown reasons. While Waheed is now more stylishly equipped beneath his customary robes he remains inefficient and more liability than asset in many situations. The summoner proved totally helpless and pathetic when confronted with either adventuring party.

The situation was initially reversed when Snövit and Rödluvan stepped into the canyon of magi as beetles and cats gave Rödluvan a tedious if not very hard time but melted before Snövit. In the tombs however Snövit had stupefying troubles with the greater mummies and gorebellies, both cold immune. One gorebelly boss even made her pick up the lightning fury path with a matriarchal javeling she conveniently found. The burning dead were melted with savage glee but their commanders took many arrows during which the idiot minions managed to get themselves severely poisoned and injured. While Telash did not do enormous damage he at least stayed out of harms way for most of the time. Rödluvan had some trouble with skeletal packs but managed to run around most and nail their bosses to the walls.

Now news from abroad: The creatures of some unknown layer of hell are celebrating the return of none other than Duriel the Disgusting. The maggot mongrel was last assigned to guard an empty tomb with a boring archangel inside which must have been hellish indeed due to the company. Thanks to the valiant efforts of Rödluvan and Snövit he is now liberated and can spread his cold slime and goo someplace else. We have the two archers with us in the studio; welcome!

Rödluvan: This is no studio, this is just you ranting aimlessly in a far-fetched attempt to mimic a TV-programme.

Maltatai: For crying out loud, don't cry that out loud!

Snövit: I must say the welcoming here is overwhelming in its hospitality and generosity.

Maltatai: Yes, isn't it... How was Duriel, apart from overgrown, flabby and stinking?

Rödluvan: Utterly pathetic. My valkyrie could tank him with little problem aided by my decoy. I could even fire magic arrows at him and sustain my mana that way! What a loser. Haaahahaha!

Snövit: Aaaargh! He was unbearable! 95% cold resistance and the stupid Waheed who could never grasp even the simplest basics of hit and run tactics or the benefits of standing behind a decoy to jab at the enemy! Not only that, but my valkyrie mutinied and would not engage! The traitor! Waheed died the first time after costing me a fortune in potions and scrolls of town portal.

Maltatai: First time?

Snövit: Yes, I was so mad with the maggot that I went back one more time just to show him! That time Waheed got the Woestave and it went a little bit better with no deaths, but still an utter fail when it comes to tactics and minion reliability. That I, a bowazon, should have to tank for an Act II town guard! Will I have to do EVERYTHING in this company?!

Maltatai: Any of the famous five scrolls of town portal drops?

Snövit: Actually not, but hardly anything useful. I got the Viscerataunt unique defender. I feel taunted indeed. A sorceress shield…worthless.

Rödluvan: I had better luck, I got an ethereal Demon Limd (typical cruel humor of Duriel) but also Raven Frost! That will come in handy against Baals hoarfrost and other monstrous cold attacks. I thought Duriel was so pathetic that I dressed up in my best treasure hunting gear before he fell. Evidently worth it.

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Maltatai: Aaaaand what about the greatest of all evils, the clotted git of whitish squidiness?

Snövit: Damn him! I had just got around the corner when I saw him floating upwards! I hope his celestial head really crashed into the roof.

Rödluvan: I had just raised my crossbow to aim when he hovered out of sight! The insufferable, infernal, indisputably inconceivably inbearable…unbearable…

Maltatai: Thank you, thank you. Now the weather forecast: Warm and cold air is congregating in the Eastern Sea leading to unstable weather and likely rain, possibly of arrows. There is some possibility of thunder and ground level frost as well. Winds from west and northwest; 5 to 15 metres per second. Between 18 and 22 degrees. Aranoch: dry and sunny and uncomfortably hot as the last millennium except for blizzards cast by visiting mages.

Now the Economy of the Week, or maybe it was the Economy of the Weak? The Blue Corporation has recently stunned the financial world not too busy with running for their lives from demonic monsters, by selling all the shares except for a symbolic 20:th in Magic Arrow and instead investing in Inner Sight! I (again) greet Snövit, now in the capacity of capitalist, executive board, owner, representative and generally boss of the corporation. What prompted this decision?

Snövit: The original investment in Magic Arrow rested partially on the perceived benefits of accuracy from the skill, which would compensate for lack of penetrate on my part. It later turned out that the whole Magic Arrow business is bugged or something and the increased accuracy is as non-existent as a trustworthy European financial policy. Furthermore, it is bugging me that Rödluvan has the benefit of casting a red spell while I do not cast a blue or white one. Inner sight fills this gap. It looks white and a little bluish and really makes a difference for hitting, aiding both me and my minions...hrm, trusted employees.

Maltatai: That will be all from the Whatever-the-clock News. Thank you and good night.

Rödluvan: That is not exactly what I imagined television fame would be like.

Snövit: There could certainly be more profit involved.

Rödluvan: And more political influence.

Maltatai: Such a shame...news services that attempt to achieve some sort of independence. How disgusting. Perhaps you could persuade Drognan or some other weak-willed and feeble mind to broadcast for you in the future. I also wonder what will be found among Drognans personal stuff, if he has a secret study or laboratory or something. Perhaps a hidden observatory? He did after all claim to have "researched" the lengthy viper eclipse. I wonder how. Did he stare aimlessly out in the darkness or what? How can you research utter darkness?

Snövit: What can you expect after his advice to Jerhyn regarding the Arcane Sanctuary?

Rödluvan: Drognans answer to a blockaded pass west - hire that red little travel agent with pointy ears and teeth that says "Rakanishu" every now and then and has promised to take us on an "alternative route" west. Drognans answer to shortage of guards - how about summoning some of these nice horned fellows that has such tremendous references? Drognans answer for travelling east - let's dispense with all the lifeboats and lanterns so we can all fit in on just one ship more easily. Drognans...

Maltatai: ...answer to how to wreak vengeance on those who contributed to his downfall - compel them to spend eternities speculating about his potential shortcomings until they drop down dead from fatigue and dehydration. Moving on...wait, what's that music in the distance?

Snövit: That is the grand festival of Lut Gholein, a new tradition starting...now, to celebrate the end of being sieged by monsters.

Rödluvan: After plundering Jerhyns storerooms, there are actually quite a lot of delicious dishes for everyone. AND we also have musical performance. Cain himself has promised to honour the town with a bit of his famous rap!

Snövit: I never knew he could do that.

Maltatai: He's performed it on the stage of hellish harassment and infernal despair and bickering. Also known as the pit of impoliteness, hole of anguish, bully's sanctuary and idiots retreat. The place where every comment, no matter how sensible, ultimately is met by trolling idiocy and rudeness, insults and humiliation.

Snövit: Ah, you mean YouTube.

Maltatai: That's what I said. You have to pay attention, as you like to point out to me.

Rödluvan: Do you know how to rap, Maltatai?

Maltatai: I could perform a very short piece of rap that is not actually a song, and probably come up with a satirical text for another, but otherwise no.

Snövit: Short piece that is not a song?

Maltatai: "Knocks at his desk with his knuckles"

Rödluvan: What is that supposed to mean?

Maltatai: The knuckle rap! The shortest rap possible! It can also be a sign of approval or respect, a more discreet version of applauses. Brilliant, isn't it?

Rödluvan: "Siiiigh"

Snövit: "Facepalm"

Maltatai: Am I not a genius beyond imagination? From one thing to the other, any celebrities I know coming tonight?

Snövit: We have invited the Act I NPC:s but most were too busy with clearing the monastery. Except for Akara, who seemed to be very interested in rap as soon as I mentioned who the singer would be. It's strange, when I told them we had found the best of Jerhyns royal drinks some rogues seemed somehowhat...disappointed. Maybe they don't like royal stuff. It wouldn't be too surprising for people known as "rogues" but I wonder what they had hoped to be served instead?

Rödluvan: Alas, we can only speculate...

Snövit: Yes...hey! Suddenly I am struck by the possibility that some potential guests may have wanted certain red brews! Is THAT why they were disappointed, perhaps...

Rödluvan: Hrrm...speaking of the rogues, I see your hair is notably un-slimy.

Snövit: Yes, and combed, no thanks to you!

Rödluvan: Since when am I responsible for your hairstyle and combing ineptitude?

Snövit: Since you started the slightly inconvenient tradition of getting rogues drunk on Floria's Flowery Flame and Blaise's Burning Beauty? It was almost impossible to get out of that tent after I had unslimed myself.

Maltatai: Florias...the first of the new, fashionable names for Lysanders customised recipes?

Rödluvan: Exactly. Aren't they just awesome?

Snövit: Indeed. They seem to get to your head quickly...causing actually quite inappropriate behaviour. People are supposed to be able to bathe undisturbed and peacefully in a sauna.

Rödluvan: I beg to differ as to the applicability of such etiquette rules. While I do not dispute the interpretation of them, I would say that the rogues tents, while they do try to mimic the environment of a sauna, are to be regarded as rogue steam tents and that's that. Sauna rules would not apply even if they by all means may be examined for inspiration.

Snövit: Bah! Ha! A laughable excuse for the inappropriate behaviour of the Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye, for which I am holding you personally responsible by the way. Nevertheless, I got the slime off and that's what counts. One of the named traditions I am particularly fond of is having that vihta/vasta bough of birch, which both comes in handy for the scent and for fencing away somewhat overly friendly company at times.

Maltatai: How on earth did you find birch leaves in Act I? I've never seen any birches there.

Snövit: Ah, a petty technicality. So, the basic fencing moves that Meshif has taught me proved highly useful. I heroically fought my way out to the exit like a slashing swashbuckler. Particularly the right-handed manoeuvre in a critical moment was critical to my success. I finnished with a dashing exit and story villain laugh and promise to return which earned me laughs and almost a golden statuette.

Rödluvan: It's left-handed! And also "finished", not "finnished".

Maltatai: Can we have some explanation, please?

Snövit: It's "finnished". Saunas are originally a Baltic, especially Finnish, thing. Hence you "finnish" bathing when you have had enough. Now, if you are hard pressed by an opponent, you just need to state that you are in fact not left-handed, switch to fencing with your right hand, and then you are bound to win the battle. Unless your opponent also knows about the trick. Like;

"I admit that you are better than I am"
"Then why are you smiling?"
"Because I know something you don't know"
"And what is that?"
"I am not left-handed!"

Rödluvan: You have got it all wrong! You do of course start with the sword in your right hand because you have to hide the fact that you are left-handed. Like,

"There's something I ought to tell you"
"Tell me"
"I'm not right-handed either"

And then you turn a dire disadvantage into total triumph.

Maltatai: Provided of course that you are ambidextrous enough to fence with your off-hand for enough time to score a dramatic revelation moment. Aren't you two supposed to be civil to each other nowadays?

Rödluvan: Oh, eh, sorry. Got a bit carried away.

Snövit: Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

Maltatai: I got them to shut up and stop bickering for a moment? Inconceivable! Anyone else I know coming to the feast, princesses and brides?

Rödluvan: Greiz and most of his mercenaries are just sulky that we got all the loot - glory. But I managed to convince two of them to join us. They're called Azrael and Pratham. They have apparently been abroad in their past and seem to be a lot less merc-like than Greiz.

Snövit: Meshif is coming of course.

Maltatai: Oh, really? I could never have expected that.

Rödluvan: Just ignore him. Maltatai, I mean, not Meshif of course. How is it going?

Snövit: Well, I guess. I think we have both been rather stressed about all this monster business here and I haven't had so much time for him as I would have liked to. Meshif on his part has been very frustrated about being stuck here and maybe he took it out on me a bit. I'm NOT a "pal" of Jerhyn! The thought! I almost skewered the little brat when he mentioned how he feared Meshif was "growing impatient" with him. To say the least! I hope he rots in his dungeon before any trials and rises as a greater mummy so I can slay him time and again!

Later, though, Meshif apologised sort of, and said that he probably hadn't been very friendly lately. He was feeling miserable for not being able to help more, being inexperienced with desert matters and all. I said I was sorry for acting like obsessed with finding ways to deal with cold immunes. Then we started to argue about who had behaved the worst, each of us pressing the point that the other was generally blameless, and it ended in a draw. Meshif gave me a kiss and urged me to end the sand business quickly since he was eager to set sail with me.

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Rödluvan: Awwwww...

Maltatai: Excuse me, I will go and feel sick for a while...

Rödluvan: Tomorrow we set sail! Yippieee!

Snövit: Wohooo!

Maltatai: You seem keen on sailing. Do all Amazons like sailing that much?

Snövit: Only those who are like us.

Maltatai: Nagging, bantering, bickering and totally greedy, vain and occasionally ridiculously romantic?

Rödluvan: No, you moron! Those who are BOWAZONS!

Maltatai: And why is that? Because you can shoot easily from a ship? But javelins should be equally good, both have been popular among marines historically.

Snövit: What...no, because SHIPS HAVE BOWS. Just like a bowazon has a bow. Duuuuh!

Maltatai: "Facepalm" Not that kind of bow! That's the stupidest, most far-fetched... Over and out.
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Re: The misadventures of two untwinked bowazons - episode 1 der=0></if

i actually have tears of joy and laughter in my eyes after this - hilarious - can't wait for another one
 
Episode 24. Meshif's Logbook

Captains Log, Sea Date 2131, morning

Uuuuuuh... Who parked that frenzied Pit Lord inside my head? Personal note: Never trust Amazonian "rustic home-brewed traditional classic" thing of any kind again. Will go and ask Snövit if she knows some way to cool the head. Being specialised in frost arrows she should know about such things. Besides, she ought to be experienced in the art of suffering from liquid anguish like this.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2131, midday

Got ice arrows from Snövit that helped a slight bit if held near the head. She was really considerate. Being madly in love really rocks but it's not a little bit inconvenient sometimes. I totally forgot what I was supposed to ask when Snövit opened her door. It felt like hours before I could remember what to say. Really embarrassing. I hope this won't happen when we run into the Kurast customs inspectors, they are troublesome enough as it is. Soon time to weigh anchor and be off this overgrown beach!

Captains Log, Sea Date 2131, afternoon

Finally we're away from Lut Gholein, Jerhyn and pesky indirect expropriations. I am so not coming back here in a long time. To the last moment I feared some new bureaucratic blunder would render me land-wrecked in this forsaken clay outpost. The passengers have installed themselves on the ship as if they had travelled with me dozens of times. It's like they knew every part onboard from first hand experience. Very odd. Maybe it is something like the inner sight and penetrating gaze the amazons are famous for. On the other hand, I find it strangely familiar being with Snövit. It's like we've met some time before. Maybe in another life, if you believe some of the old religion stuff back home.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2134

Telash mentioned today how many people still mistake the little transport and pilot boats used in Lut Gholein and Kurast to get out to my elegant brig anchored in the bay, for the real thing! That's insane! He may have been joking, but he seemed quite sincere. I mean, those little vessels are not even large enough to be called ships, let alone be of any use evacuating a town, even one as tiny as Lut Gholein. Or Lard Golem, as I will call it henceforth until Jerhyn makes up for delaying me like this.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2135

Snövit and Waheed are still are still not on terms with each other. It's sad since they have otherwise much in common. Snövit blames Waheed for charging heedlessly into dangers without any second thought and no regard for tactics, endangering the whole party and taking damage needlessly. Waheed on his hand claims it would be a different matter if he only had got the proper gear to do his job in the first place instead of “this silly little strength stick. Snövit usually replies that no matter how well equipped, Waheed should have stayed behind the decoy and valkyrie and used the reach of the spear to keep a safer distance, not to mention not engage without orders. With the frosty relations between the two, I am almost surprised the sea around us hasn't frozen yet, salty or not. There will surely be ample energy for frozen arrows and holy freeze auras to gather on this trip. At least Rödluvan and Telash usually manage to thaw things when they are around, archetypically true to their theme.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2138

Despite hard studies, I have yet to understand Amazon humour, I think. Rödluvan repeatedly remarks how astonishing it is that Snövit is still standing and has yet to shift into green, while Snövit is equally driven to mention how the last archery contest onboard ended. That has to be some sort of joke, because Snövit has never shown any hint of seasickness as far as I have seen, which is the most since she has moved in with me in my cabin, and there hasn't been any archery contest on this journey.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2139

Increasingly bad weather. Have dropped most sails and ordered all goods secured in case of a storm.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2140

Storm inbound. Snövit and Rödluvan have summoned valkyries to retrieve anyone should they fall overboard, and act as emergency lanterns. These glowing fellows are actually quite practical. Luckily they consented to drop their portable gold reserves before assuming their stations as life guards. I can't believe why Athulua equips them like that - the Amazons are after all a seafaring people. First time I have seen a valkyrie without plate armour. They look quite like Rödluvan now, in the Amazonian light armour.

The presence of the valkyries seems to have had weird effects on some of the more cheesy and tasteless crewmembers. Sometimes I imagine myself seeing one or two eyeing the water thoughtfully as if calculating whether the cold and the high waves would be an acceptable risk for the opportunity of being rescued by divine blondes in red swimsuits. Damn it, if I catch anyone neglecting their duties because of that, I'll send them on scouting duty to Telash in the crows nest! That mage is totally mad. He believes he can direct and turn away lightning should it threaten to strike the ship, and insists that he should be posted as high up as possible.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2142

Storm's passing, it seems. Everyone is still onboard as far as I can see. The crows nests have had a recent population growth that would hitherto be thought impossible. I can't believe it. By all means, Snövit certainly look even better unplated and is resting to rest my eyes on, but not in the MIDDLE OF A FREAKING STORM! How can otherwise (at least mostly...make that sometimes...occasionally) sensible men and women become so obsessed with gawping stupidly at the Valkwatch?*

*Catchy name is it not? Valkyries really are a new milestone (or maybe nautical mile-buoy) in the field (should be sea, what use could maritime things be in a field) of maritime safety.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2143

To pass the time we have begun betting on all kinds of petty and insignificant things. The latest is the meaning of Faras comment when Rödluvan informed her that Radament was dead, or back to being a normal corpse at least. “As you have helped Atma and all of us, so shall I help you... The most obvious interpretation would be that she will literally help to dispose of a greater mummy that has eaten Rödluvans relatives. However, no undead have been seen on the Amazonian Islands as far as we know. She could be referring to general sewer maintenance also, probably being an apt plumber with her metal-working skills. On the other hand, Rödluvan doesn't have any drains or pipes needing fixing, in fact she possesses neither of them at all, perhaps not even having a house. Just blacksmithing aid seems a little too obvious and Fara was already doing that.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2145

We are nearing the Kurast coastline ands should be able to see it tomorrow. I haven't been here for years. I do hope it's not as bad as people say it's become.

Captains Log, Sea Date 2146

We have found the coast alright, but at the same time not. It's just a bunchof tress everywhere and no shore! What the hell is going on here? The passengers view the jungle with grim determination and sympathy for us, and Snövit assures me it can be fixed in time. Even the Argentek River is being covered in vines and swamp. I suppose being an adventurer hunting demons all week makes you hardened but I on my hand almost wish I hadn't returned here. At least it's soon my and Snövits one month anniversary. I wonder if I can find something useful to give her. I don't have many elite unique artefacts in my cargo. I guess the closest thing is that old bird statue that was supposed to augment your life. I bought it in the west, from a peg-legged boy hailing from Tristram or something. He was a greedy little weasel (apologies to all the weasels of the world), almost demanding money simply to show it to me.

Suddenly I am overcome with a strange urge to write "Over and out" in my log. Must be the jungle corruption.
Over and out.
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Re: The misadventures of two untwinked bowazons - episode 1 der=0></if

Good read from Meshif's point of view, can't wait to see what Hell Meph drops for those two!
 
Re: The misadventures of two untwinked bowazons - episode 1 der=0></if

It seems like varying who the storyteller is is always popular. I'll keep that in mind.

Unfortunately I didn't take any screenshots of the loot from Mephisto (yes, he's beaten) but the fight against him was a positive surprise in other ways.
 
Episode 25. Highway to Hell

Telash: Hahaa! This is none other than Telash, the big bad iron wolf, speaking. Tremble before the mighty thunder god and master of arcane secrets! For too long has this tale been in the hands of the less crude elements of storytelling (read: Maltatai) but now that will fortunately change. Since some time ago, Kurast is finally (hopefully) liberated from the hateful clutches of Mephisto, Sankekur and the church, leaving glorious scallywag mercenary mages free to roam the glorious east as we please.

For one growing up in a jungle nation I am probably less than expectedly thrilled by gardening. In the old days that worked because the lumbering hulks were also lumberjacks and dealt with irregularities in the flora. Now all we have is this stinking log next to the harbour, that's the only thing left of any garden hulks who have gone rogue and turned to banditry. But without bows. That would have looked silly. Imagine that, giant thorned hulks trying to aim a little shortbow and keep an arrow held between their two huge pincers.

Coming here was dull. Two waves of demonic corruption upon the world, three arrivals by Meshif's ship, and nothing has changed! Hratli is still smirking and secretly laughing at everyone except himself, Ormus does his best to irritate everyone and Alkor is mad. This better be the last time we have to go through all this. Otherwise I'll short-circuit the Heavens and set Hell into stand-by mode.

The initial swarms of little annoying midgets were handled without much trouble or attention by the glorious red team. One of their bosses really stood out when it comes to tastelessness:

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There was no living with Rödluvan after that! No, that is not what corrupted Iron Wolfs turn into, nor is it my evil twin or other kind of relative! And the Iron Wolves will not change their name into that. Although, now that I think of it, I shouldn't really care since I am no freelancing since the, hrrm, sand-witch incident. Asheara really just overreacted.

As for the other boss, yes we know you are a flaying little midget-thing. Talk about an unstable sense of identity. Like having Mephisto calling himself "Mephisto the Demon" or "Mephisto the Prime Evil". The worm-filled Necro skull dropped at his feet by the way. Maybe he was caught wearing it once and had since then been suspected of secretly being a necromancer. That would explain the overcompensating naming.

The Blue Team was of course initially distracted, obsessively when it comes to the blonde 50% of it, with jade presents and exchanging them for a tormented sea captains golden bird. We on the Red Team have also had our share of jade-related charm, but of a more concrete kind.

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Strolling through the stylish (say what you will about the Zakarumites, but they do know how to design a gate) entrance into Kurast I suddenly recalled when the church was beginning to show signs of its apparent withering and one of my Iron Wolf Colleagues, Jarulf, not the brightest spark in the sky, asked me if I could do his shift of reporting.

"Hey Shakesparke, I got something...scholastic...to discuss with ya. What I'm saying is: you're Mr Bookkeeping, right? And I got this essay on the fall of Kurast. I didn't even know they were in trouble!"

That last comment was supposed to be funny enough to overshadow his appalling thick-headed stupidity with its witty charm. It failed. I asked him to get to the point.

"What are hinting at, Jarulf?"

"Papers for papers. Essays for cash?"

"We don't have cash. You'd have to pay in the somehow always standardized gold coins."

"So?"

"So you got a deal."

"Hey! Alright! Listen, when we make the drop, not out here in the open, right. I got a 'rep to protect."

Yeah, right. His reputation as the greatest dim-wit in the office was thoroughly established as far as I could see, but who knows? You can't be too careful. Jarulf is almost as stupid as the soul-eating tree we found in Kurast, apparently cursed with stupidity by the primes. The arboreal moron rooted himself at the stairs of a temple instead of going down and around like all sensible characters. Don't look at me like that! This was nothing like the few times I and other hirelings get lost or stuck at corners! Even if it is, that is not the subject here. The subject is...is...how I totally owned the tree. Yes. I actually fed it my soul to eat, for my heart and soul is in my magic. I am a shining, sparkling God of Thunder! Fear Telash!

With all the time Snövit has been spending with Meshif it is nothing less than a miracle that she and Waheed has gotten anything done. She is always standing at the docks gossiping with Meshif about everything possible, no matter how trivial.

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It is apparent to anyone that she is really just taking any excuse to stick close to Meshif like a big blue jungle mosquito out for blood. They've been talking a lot about the old religion, the Skatsim, and the shrinking host of believers left - which are incidentally the most cryptic and utterly deranged as well - spearheaded by our own pinnacles of civilisation and fundaments upon which society rests, Ormus and Hratli. I wonder if Snövit and Meshif are thinking about marriage, with all this religion talk. I understand perfectly if they don't want to come near any Zakarum priest but...Skatsim? Some of those rituals...

Snövit also found some kind of blue jewel, enhancing the wearer's energy as well as passion. She had it fitted into a ring and gave it to Meshif as a present. Anything taking his mind off the corruption of our homeland is good I suppose, but I mean...first Rödluvans boatload of potions and now this. You have to eat and sleep and get outside some times. No sense in overtraining, that's detrimental. And I am very qualified to say so, I'll have you know. I have an M o W degree (Master of Witchdoctoring) and years of experience and exhaustive field studies behind me. The last exam in the flayer dungeon was particularly tricky (the questions where mundane but getting out alive and uneaten was another matter).

A good side effect of the gossiping giggles coming from the harbour seems to be the renewed peace and quiet in the Blue Snow team. Waheed was initially scolded fiercely by Snövit for running to far ahead and getting entangled in overpowering treeheads but somewhere in the Spider Forest he seemed to shape up and has since returned into the good graces of his boss. The generous use of the slowing Woestave on the trees may have something to do with Waheeds latest success as well.

Moving on into the flayer jungle it was my pleasure to visit my old headmaster for the third time and shut him up for good, hopefully. That mouldy old dustbin Endugu has really no sense for what should be included in the education plan in the witch doctor programme. His choice of courses is almost worthless when you try to get a job as a shaman after graduating! No connection with the business life, no relevance at all for your career it would seem! Always the same crap, "do you have any actual medicine experience from outside school?" I'll have his head! Which I had! Ha! Headhunted, as it is called, like all career witch doctors dream about!

Following a severe case of relationshipical overprotectiveness, Meshif urged Snövit to use an old pale rhyming bone shield he had stored in a dusty corner of his cargo hold. Snövit liked the colour and agreed to wear it when stepping down stairs in case of stairtraps. The dungeons held both the exploding dolls and environmental green ghosts. The ghost of environmental concerns always appears to haunt both left and right politicians at the least convenient moment. One place I won't miss. Hopefully we never have to return. New area, new dungeons. And where might Lame Esens (he is lame to hide it in the same temple always) tome be hidden? Let's see...could it be the ruined temple, the ruined temple or perhaps the ruined temple? No, wait, it was in the ruined temple! How stupid of me to miss that! The predictability of it was enough to make any person with a semblance of good taste scream in agony, and true enough, Snövit found a wail of Atma in crystallised form. Like most screams from mothers, it was of little practical use.

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The city districts of Kurast are notoriously sparsely populated, so it was not long until we breached the praying perimeter of Travincal. Rödluvan attempted an advanced outflanking approach that failed miserably, but no too miserably since I am still here writing these things. Having a waypoint inside a house really shines. Beats building them in sewers or catacombs. We all faced the council at the town central square, or central pedestal. The hostilities were joined after an arduous session of bragging and exchanging of insults. Rödluvan had found a combat shrine that boosted her minimum damage to beastly amounts and the attack rating was just absurd. Snövit on the other hand found a skill shrine which turned her arrows into even greater dangers of global cooling, but it was sadly soon cursed away. Actually, the shrines were curiously fitting, since Snövit is much of a mageazon with a quick and powerful elemental attack, while Rödluvan rely more on brute strength and a very professional consultant for the arcane wonders part.

It is not often I find myself inclined to agree with Hratli. His grasp of basic sensibility and elemental logic presents an unsteadiness whose significance is, not to put too fine a point to it, as overwhelming as a tirade launched by a permanent secretary of the civil service when facing a sensitive inquiry or a ministerial scrutiny. None the less, it is my firm belief that the idea of building such a vast and needlessly complicated network of subterranean dwellings is not only unnecessary but also a blatant affront to good taste worldwide, given the fact that the defence and locking mechanism is not tied to the complexity of the architecture at all, but consists of a simple petrified stair gate at the entrance to the durance. In this unpleasant environment, we did indeed feel a not insignificant sickening urge to turn our stomachs inside-out. Immune to lightning and fire. Euagh!

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Snövit and her team had better luck and managed to find some really handy spots where enemies could be sniped from across the strange void that filled the space where walls should have been. That saved them from an uncomfortably close encounter with a true terror of the past with conviction and lightning enchantment. Even with Snövit's thunder god girdle, meleeing with it would have been quite nasty since it also was spectral hitting. After showing Bremm who was the true master of sparks (or maybe rather who had the most fiery boss to do the work but let's not dwell on petty details now) I saw a familiar sight. The warning sign, the runes saying clearly "danger, do not touch", the obsessed glow in Rödluvan's eyes as she seemingly involuntarily walked closer...

"NO Rödluvan, NO touching of fire shrines, I have TOLD you!"

"Just...once...please?"

But I was adamant and averted a potential disaster with my upright and upstanding example. A mercenary lightning mage needs to be firm sometimes and handle the situation with a steady hand.

Rödluvan: Yes, yes, blah, blah, blah. He's so strict...quite the bore sometimes.

Telash: You know perfectly well that fire shrines are not good for you, or anyone else I might add. Besides, I seem to recall that this was my turn to tell the story.

Snövit: But you have done so. This is just leisurely joking and banter. It was a flashing tale, Telash, and I'm sure you can expect heaps of letters from editors drooling over a potential contract any minute now. Or would be able to, had they not all been turned into malicious demons...

Waheed: I was actually wondering what the rest of us are doing here. Telash seemed perfectly cool with finishing the tale, so why can't we just chill out and hear it?

Snövit: It's probably some sort of Red politics thing, "all shall come along" or whatever it was.

Rödluvan: I plead not guilty. I actually don't even know what that phrase refers to.

Maltatai: It was a slogan for the Swedish social democrats party around 2006 I think. "Alla ska med" translates roughly to "Everyone along" or "All shall come along". It refers to their attempts at maintaining a picture of their party as the best choice when it comes to health care, various kinds of social aid and so on. They failed miserably, I might add.

Snövit: Oaahahahahahaaa!

Rödluvan: Well, I'm sure they were just corrupt and power-crazy despots who had lost interest in the opinions and wishes of their voters anyway.

Maltatai: Another notable statement around that time was that "Sweden was doing well". Being right in the middle of an economical crisis. With masses of workers losing or about to lose their jobs. With the schools going down faster than a tightly packed group of fallen ones facing a barrage of Snövits main elemental attack. With company after company facing severe economical strains. That was Sweden doing well.

Rödluvan: What about the blue parties? They can't be all good either?

Maltatai: Where to start? Perhaps with one of the latest "reforms" about education: The teachers salaries are being linked to the results of the students of the teacher in his or her subject. Despite the fact that just about no resources exist to help students who can't get any help at home with homework, all theoretical subjects rely on the student doing a lot of learning outside the school and, in the case of higher (closest to university level) education where it is soon coming, that students pick the schools they wish and are admitted if they have good enough grades - meaning of course that some attractive schools get the best students and some unattractive ones get the worst. And guess who it is that are grading the students?

Telash: Bureaucratical body of government?

Snövit: University office?

Maltatai: The teachers themselves. And not just adding a note about achievements in class apart from written stuff or something, they do the entire grading.

Rödluvan: Pfffhahahaha!

Snövit: Hihihihihi!

Waheed: Hehehehehe! That was a good one!

Telash: Bwahahahahaa!

Waheed: ...

Rödluvan: You're serious?

Maltatai: Yup.

Snövit: So they get paid more if they set a higher...

Maltatai: Yup. And the school gets more money if it keeps (and thereby also if it attracts, through generous grading and otherwise) more students, no matter if the students are attentive paragons of comradeship or psychopathic drug junkies. Combine these two things with a dishonourable management (not uncommon) and you get...

Telash: I offer my sincere condolences for your loss. Was "unbiased evaluation" a close friend?

Maltatai: One of the best. It was not unexpected, though. He struggled a long time against the disease.

Rödluvan: Blue politics or not, this isn't even funny. What's going to happen to the children?

Maltatai: Well, obviously the public education will become even more worthless when you look for jobs and try to do your job. The employers will likely rely more and more on their own tests, own education programmes if they can afford it, personal contacts and so on. Over time, Swedish specialists will probably be less wanted internationally due to the reputation of our education system. The richer the family, the easier will it be to get along anyway, as usual. The greatest losers are as always the hardworking and bright students from poorer families without personal contacts, who won't be able to show their skills in the seas of undeservingly good grades.

Snövit: Scandalous! As if I would get the same grade as Rödluvan, despite being two levels higher than her.

Rödluvan: One! Maybe one and a half. But that's just because you did personal off-quest studying when you were raiding the Black Tower for runes. This is the kind of unfairness that will come out of such education idiocy!

Snövit: Maybe your children could go and study at our islands instead. Or some other part of Sanctuary? There should be plenty of free space and, as shown, there are old tomes lying around just about everywhere, filled with information and enhancing your skills. The latter are so common that they are even thrown away into the sewers!

Rödluvan: And there are many job opportunities for archers! Tremendous health care available too.

Snövit: A growing market.

Maltatai: Ehm, as tempting as the offer is, it would be a bit problematic reaching Sanctuary from Sweden.

Snövit: Yes, I've never really understood where your land is situated. It sounds like some barbaric country up north, being cold and such.

Maltatai: Hehe. Sweden is not bordering the barbarian highlands but the term "barbaric country up North" is not totally without out of place. It is damn cold here sometimes, also.

Snövit: Sounds like you have good taste!

Waheed: Indeed!

Rödluvan: You have fireplaces too, I hope?

Maltatai: Of course. And plenty of firewood. Not much arrows, though. Speaking of arrows, I hear that Meshif has composed a new tributary song on that subject?

Rödluvan: Hihihihihahaha! Indeed he has!

Snövit: That was just a joke! Aaaah, you always overreact about these sorts of things. Fine, fine, I thought it was suitable to sing this German fishing song...

Maltatai: It's not actually a German fishing song, it's a German song sung by a singer with Fischer as her surname.

Snövit: Waheed, throw him into the water... Now, I was singing the melodic "Du hast mein herz beruhrt" which Meshif then made a joking cover of, with the title "Du hast mein pfeil beruhrt". In this particular case, the often-used phrase "the title says it all" was particularly apt. I will leave it at that.

Rödluvan: Hahahaha, it was genius! I wrote it all down!

Snövit: That would surprise exactly nobody.

Maltatai: I seem to recall there being a boss at the end of Act III. Perhaps just something I've Heard...

Rödluvan: Oh yes, Mephisto. He was easily distracted by my decoy and over time shot to pieces, but Telash died, sadly. Mephisto got him before we were in position.

Telash: Dammit, he just got lucky!

Rödluvan: Is it just me or...

Snövit: ...is it hot in here? Is this really the time?

Rödluvan: I was not going to say that! As I was saying: Is it just me, or is Mephisto unusually quick and furious in this hellish world?

Snövit: Oh, was that what you were saying? I had no idea. He does seem to have an unusually noticeable caffeine level in his body, yes. Especially for someone without any lower body, apart from that bare spinal column.

Waheed: It is actually quite admirable how Mephisto will back his brothers and cover their escape, despite being literally half the man they are.

Telash: One would definitely not think he had the stomach for that, or anything else.

Rödluvan: While he is a scheming, corrupt piece of scum, he was never outright spineless. Ouch! "Gasp"!

Maltatai: Wouldn't it have made more sense to come up with all these dry puns before Mephisto was too far away to hear them? What's the matters, Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: I forgot to adjust this smoky quilted armour before donning it! The straps tied like..."gasp". Aaaaair!

Snövit: What the...

Rödluvan: I need to slip into the Treacherous mail that Telash usually wears for safekeepi...his own protection, in order to charge up the venom from time to time. To the outside layman it may seem to go super-quickly requiring just a small movement of the hand and fingers but it really is a complex, if fast, procedure to get all the straps and things right. I have to unfasten them every time I slip back into whatever Telash has been wearing - it's actually very annoying!

Telash: Hey, I can't see a thing if all that extra quilted cloth blows up in my face or something! And being hit in the nose by a loosely fitting mail suit every second step every time you run is NOT comfortable! This arrangement is made quite unpractical by...all that extra bulk you have on the upper chest!

Rödluvan: I happen to like my upper chest very well, THANK YOU.

Telash: And now all my robes smell of your silly perfume too....

Rödluvan: It's a barely noticeable discreet scent, I'll have you know!

Telash: Indeed. Discreet as about one acre of red roses mashed and pressed into your face.

Rödluvan: Like you should be the one talking! Your armour gives me electrical shocks each time I touch it!

Telash. Hello? Metal armour and electricity? Elemental physics, anyone? It wouldn't be a problem if you could just wear a sorcerer robe like I offered you.

Rödluvan: That thing was a complete fiasco! Loose sleeves + archery = not awesome. "Oh, let's take up a bolt and load my crossbow. Damn, I dropped it deep into my overlarge sleeve and the tip is threatening to cut my elbow. Next time. Noo, I spilled out my whole quiver when all the bolts got caught in my superfluous sleeve cloth! Have to get my axe out instead. Crap! The blade got caught in the hem and ripped the robe apart!" What are you two smiling so much at?

Waheed: Nothing in particular. But I would have expected a bit more understanding from someone who is literally, if not "in his shoes" then in Telash's clothes. Pffhahahahahaa!

Telash: Very funny.

Snövit: And I was just thinking about your crossbow with its notable lightning damage and you now wearing Telash's clothes... Sure there isn't any part of you that secretly urges to be an Act III lightning mage?

Rödluvan: Shut up! Absolutely not!

Snövit: You know you can tell us, dear. We like you just as you are, hihihihi.

Telash: That's IT! Stop laughing immediately!

Snövit: From what I've heard Asheara or Alkor can probably be counted upon supplying one or two potions of manliness for you, but I'm surprised someone with your expertise and contacts in the business hasn't taken care of that already hihhihihiiihihihihiiii!

Rldluvan: Actually he has! But I have none left after I gave that present chest to you!

Snövit: WHAT!?

Rödluvan: Haaaahaha! You should have seen the look on your face! Priceless!

Snövit: "sticks out tongue at Rödluvan"

Rödluvan: Look, here comes Meshif!

Meshif: Hi everyone. "Kisses Snövit" Is there any special reason for you welcoming Rödluvan so heartily?

Snövit: Welcoming?

Meshif: Rolling out the proverbial red carpet, anatomically speaking. Waheed, I'm done with the painting you asked for. Here it is, right off the drawing board as they say.

Waheed: Ooh, stylish! I mean cool.

Telash: What painting is that?

Meshif: Waheed asked me to commemorate his recent success against Mephisto with an artistic contribution.

Snövit: That's really good! It looks just like when we faced him, actually! Waheed was indeed good and did not die. His crushing blow really shortened that battle! And I guess the valkyrie of the day was quite impressed with him taking the frontline position too. She seemed very eager to drag you away to "double-check that you hadn't any remaining wounds" even after you had emptied the better part of my supply of purple potions.

Waheed: What can I say? I'm a well-tanned and well-muscled frontline fighter with an aura of coolness about me, fresh off the beach (my whole homeland is in fact one enormous beach). You can't blame a divine being for having divine taste. This is excellent work, Meshif. Where did you learn to draw like that?

Meshif: I used to make sea charts before, but that business sort of dried up when the entire coast here became an overgrown garden and the traders ended up as flayer dinner. Where should we put the painting? Here?

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Waheed: No, too far away. You can’t see me properly.

Snövit: What about here?

Waheed: No, I think I have just the spot... Here! Much better!

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Telash: Overwhelming, I say. Do you want me to arrange some illumination for it, now that we're at it?

Waheed: Yeah, that was a great idea! You do have your bright moments, Telash!

Telash: That could be because I'm a lightning mage...besides, I was being ironic. By the way, what was that caring valkyries name?

Waheed: Andromeda Sparkleheart. What, you jealous? I could get you her summoning number, I suppose. But I think she preferred cooler warrior types rather than mages.

Telash: I don't need any such help, thank you very much. I just wondered who it could have been that embroidered "Andromedas cuddly buddly teddy bear" on the back of your robes, in bright pink and gold.

Waheed: "Takes off robe with look of appalled horror on his face"

Telash: Got you!

Waheed: Go to hell!

Telash: Yes I will. And you too.

Waheed: Oh, right. It appears we are.

Snövit: Yes, about that...

Meshif: Look, I already said I won't stop you. I know you have to do this and all. But please be careful and don't save any potions needlessly.

Snövit: I'll drop by to say we are safe as soon as we have arrived and activated the waypoint.

Meshif: Safe? It's the burning hells we're talking about!

Snövit: You know what I mean. Relatively safe. More than can be said about Tyrael...

Rödluvan: Reveeeenge...

Telash: Lightning shall strike both twice and thrice...

Waheed: I feel a new recipe for shish-kebab coming up,,,one with a heavenly taste...

Snövit: So, Meshif darling, you're not telling me to "go to hell" in any way, technical or otherwise, just wishing me luck on my mission that happens to take place in hell?

Meshif: What? Well...yes, of course, I want you to return as soon as possible and all.

Snövit: So anyone hearing this and then stating that "Meshif told Snövit to go to hell" would be totally wrong and a complete moron, wouldn't she?

Meshif: Yes, but what is this about? Who is saying that?

Rödluvan: Noooow I think we have an infernal gate to catch! Flight 666 to hell, leaving in too few minutes to continue the fascinating conversation! We'll call you soon, Meshif!

Snövit: "Reaches for Rödluvans hand holding her by her ponytail while waving at Meshif" Love you!

Waheed: We'll be cool.

Telash: This is just like that song by a very awesomely electricity and lightning themed band... We're on a hiiighway to hell...hiiighgate to hell...
Maltatai: Over and out.
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Re: The misadventures of two untwinked bowazons - episode 1

Episode 26. Hell Hell or The Episode with the Very Silly Title

Maltatai: This is the Whatever-the-clock News again and despite this being just our second broadcasting I am standing here reporting LIVE from the siege of the Pandemonium Fortress! The besieging force, consisting of the purple alliance (blue + red) has breached the fortress by an infernal gate. The defending force consisting of exactly one arch-moro...angel is holding out in an inner sanctum with no visible gate. On a sidenote, some would expect the infernal gate to lead straight into hell and not to this heavenly outpost but since when has sense and reason mattered in this game? Unless....the fortress is indeed a cleverly disguised Hellish outpost? Or maybe it is simply a fortress standing here minding it's own business and the only thing keeping demons out (there are no doors by the way so it's not exactly hard to get in) is the presence (stench?) of Tyrael?

Rödluvan: You are not reporting live, you are scribbling in your manuscript for the story. The mentioned things have already happened.

Maltatai: Have you ever heard of editing? This is a transcript of the past reporting.

Snövit: I did not spot any cameras.

Maltatai: None the less, we got an excellent view of the Arch-angely fortifications.

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Rödluvan: Obviously a construction contrary to all rules and norms, defying every exploitation plan.

Snövit: Clearly an economically inefficient and financially faulty enterprise, marked by the slow and rigid thinking of conservative and conserved bureaucrats.

Maltatai: Snövit and Rödluvan are providing covering fire for just about anything. They also attempt to weaken and shatter the stonework by rapidly heating and chilling it. Waheed, being an expert at jamming pieces of wood into enemies and enemy objects is constructing a spear-shaped battering ram. And here we have Telash who is charged with…illuminating the battlefield and camp of course but what else?

Telash: Electronical warfare. We live in the information society after all! I obstruct messages being sent from the heavenly hideout by jamming all frequencies...

Maltatai: ...if they would for some unknown inexplicable reason use common radio communication and not some celestial telepathy thing?

Telash: Bah! Petty uninteresting details. I am also in charge of the most sinister of activities; psychological warfare.

Maltatai: As demonstrated...how?

Telash: By sending electronic messages filled with complete nonsense, so called Stupid Petrifyingly Absurd Message or SPAM.

Maltatai: Can you give examples?

Telash: Of course. "Wing enlargement - special offer", "Help me, honest bureaucrat of Nihlatakgeria, transfer a million gold coins by giving me control over all your gold coins and stashes with no insight whatsoever", "Make money while doing nothing at all in 100 new ways each week", "Did you see my new entry about worthless trivia on Fakebook?".

Maltatai: Quite irritating. But what if Tyrael simply stops reading his mail?

Telash: Then we move to the heavy artillery, figuratively speaking. Let the angel ears tremble in the terror of heavy metal, now literally speaking:


Hells Spells by Telash

I'm rolling thunder, not pouring rain
I'm coming on like a hurricane
My lightning's flashing wide and high
You are an angel but you're off the sky
I won't spare no measures, won't spare no wings
I'll have your ears tied to golden strings
I've got my spell I'm gonna take you to hell
We already are there? Oh, I get ya

Hells Spells
Yeah, Hells Spells
My bolts are spinning, Hells Spells
My voltage is high, Hells Spells

I'll give you spark sensations up and down your spine
If you're into lightning you're a friend of mine
See my white light flashing as I split the night
Cause if Red's on the left, then I'm keeping off the right
I won't spare no measures, won't spare no wings
I'll have your ears tied to golden strings
I've got my spell I'm gonna blast you in hell
I'm gonna get ya, Telash gets ya

Hells Spells
Yeah, Hells Spells
My sword is spinning, Hells Spells
My power is high, Hells Spells

Yeow!

Hells Spells, Telash's coming to you
Hells Spells, he's bringing his bolts
Hells Spells, we're breaking the wall
Hells Spells, then all will fall
Hells Spells, we're taking it down
Hells Spells, we're mining it under
Hells Spells, gonna split the fight
Red Spells from the left, Blue from the right

Ow, ow, ow, ow! (part of lyrics, not "open wounds" even if we have that too)

Hells Spe-e-e-ellsss!

Maltatai: All that's lacking now is the school uniform...

Telash: What!? What kind of stupid idea is that?

Rädluvan: Hey! He would look kind of cute in that!

Telash: Hostile work environment! Harassment!

Snövit: I think blue would be better. Look at the pretty valkyrie I got and follow her stunning example. There is nothing like blue plate to shine when you are making a pose to show off your leg...eeeeh, dodging a dangerous infernal projectile I mean. And it goes sooo well together with the red background at cramped chokepoints where cold immunes nest.

The totally disgusting vile stygian mothers and their parents were the most troublesome in the act since they could not be frozen. Granted, big demons like Maw fiends and venom lords take many arrows but at least you can freeze them.

Rödluvan: You certainly fared better than I did, that's for sure. The decoy and even my valkyrie was totally crushed in no time by the doom knight, venom lords and most of all actually the abyss knights. I really longed for some freezing cold to shut them up.

Snövit: One of the Fleshy mums was absolutely fanatic about energy bills which was very annoying. I mean, there can't be any real shortage of heat to power a power plant in Hell, can it? It was such a relief to be able to go back to Kurast once in a while.

Maltatai: Yes of course, back to dear old swampy, moistly, rotting, festering and mosquito-ridden Kurast...who wouldn't long for it?

Snövit: Back to MESHIF!

Maltatai: Oh, was THAT what you meant?

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Snövit: Anyhow, I melted my way into the river of flame in due time. Freezing the hotbloods made the trail a bit like an art exhibition until we reached Hephasto the Cursed. He was a bit worrying due to the teleportation but it went well, obviously. You don't want someone like that landing on top of your head. And all I got for the trouble was a pathetic Hel rune. Booo!

Waheed: At least our art exhibition was free of newly graduated modern artists and their exam Projects...

Rödluvan: What is this about?

Telash: Wait, I think I know. You're referring to the Swedish art students projects Maltatai told about. The ruined wagon and all that.

Rödluvan: Ruined wagon? What the...?

Maltatai: A few years ago there were some quite...odd..."art" projects that students of the Swedish art school Konstfack (konst = art in Swedish) apparently made. Three of them became quite famous, or maybe infamous. One was an exhibition as far as I know, which was made using material deriving from the artists imitated suicide attempt on a bridge. It yielded both some insight into the (mis)treatment of persons believed to be insane and a prosecution for raising a false alarm.

Another project was the recording of the ruining of the interior of a train car - trains made of a kind of metal wagon that has no counterpart in Sanctuary - by painting it in a chaotic manner. The artist did no painting but merely recorded it. I don't know if it was legal, it would depend on whether the artist encouraged or helped with the ruining. One can of course argue that merely recording the episode would be a kind of encouragement but on the other hand; recording something means ample evidence being collected and the knowledge that the action would be used as an art project of Konstfack should function more as a deterrent than encouragement.

Last but not least weird was the less famous idea of a later graduate. As I understood the news article I read about it in, he had surgically removed a piece of flesh from his one buttock. Contrary to what someone with knowledge of more classic works might guess, he did not intend to use it for borrowing money from a Venetian merchant. Oh no, this is modern art. He did instead make the piece of skin grow (he must have had some laboratory stuff available I guess) into a sort of mask with a vague resemblance of a face (it had two holes for the eyes at least). The student told in the article how he would sit and talk to his...mask...on occasion.

I have never seen those projects myself so I don't know if it all is true, but it did in any case make for some damn weird and, in the last case, comical reading.

Waheed: Konstfack sounds pretty stupid...maybe it would be more informative if you changed the "a" in the name to a "u".

Maltatai: Yes, it was hardly the most impressive and flattering projects that became publicised in this manner.

Snövit: I found something equally silly I think. Boots with little mirrors on them! I mean, come ON. Who would want a mirror on their boot? It will break as soon as you enter the Single Player Forum and get shin-kicked. On the other hand, breaking a mirror is said to bring bad luck so maybe that would be a smart way to get back at the bullies?

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Maltatai: You moron, mirrored boots refer to mirrored armour, a kind of early partial plating design appearing I think in central Asia in my world! Having actual mirrors attached... "facepalm". To change into a more sensible subject, I see Waheed crushed the Infector thoroughly.

Snövit: Yes, we really kicked his Konstfack-project-body-part. As I slashed him I felt a sinister presence, as if a giant hand was touching me! Most unsettling. Maybe it was Diablo employing some weird unholy telekinesis. I know I must look stunningly desirable in this blue armour but HANDS OFF! I later found a green set of pillars that looked like boots. Apparently they did belong to an immortal king. That king must be getting senile because his belongings are scattered all across Sanctuary from what I have heard. Really a mess. Diablo turned also green. With envy after seeing my stabbing skill no doubt.

Maltatai: You don't think your poisonous charms or amulet could have had something to do with it.

Snövit: Oh no. I'm sure it was pure envy. If we could have shattered Diablo and turned him into lots of very small stones it would have been enough jewels to twink at least a dozen cheesy cookie cutters.

Waheed: That's probably why he focused on killing me first. Just jealous of my coolness.

Snövit: Maybe so. Waheed really received no fair chance. I stabbed the big clot in the spot most suited to my height.

Maltatai: His...stones as Alkor would put it?

Snövit: Yeah. Eeeew! "shudder" And people say his head looks distorted and full of horns. I tell you, Diablo is indeed the lord of terror. This vision was the stuff of endless nightmares I hope I will not have. I will leave the description at that. My valkyrie, supplied by the state to aid the private sector in these trying times, focused on Diablos heel as you can see.

Maltatai: Might I ask why?

Snövit: Just a precaution. He does after all live next to an underworld river and what if he would have been dipped into it by someone holding him by the heel? Imperviousness to all weapons except down at the foot.

Maltatai: If Diablo would bathe in the River of Flame, why would he need someone holding him? He's an adult demon, surely he can manage a bath by himself?

Snövit: But the invincibility effect only works if someone holds you by the heel. You have told us so yourself.

Maltatai: I told you about the story about this thing, which has no resemblance to reality as far as I know. And I also said that the heel thing is not the point, it was just a random plot detail to make the silly Jerhyn-like archer person able to best the monstrous warmonger in an unlikely way. Though I cannot believe how someone could die from a wound in the heel, magical protection of the rest of the body or not. It occurred in the middle of a battlefield so there would surely be lots of allies there to bind the wound before you faint of blood loss.

Now over to Rödluvan. Fire immunes are plentiful in these warm surroundings. Have they been as bothersome as every experienced player would expect?

Rödluvan: YES! Grrrrrr! Doom to the doom knights. They hit so hard my decoys and valkyries seem like blimps in a meteor rain. "Pop", "pop", "pop", and the enemy group have barely been halted. OK, maybe they weren't exactly that strong but close enough. I ran into knight boss after knight boss and all had some annoying and dangerous trait.

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Telash: I say! And that tasteless joke about the Iron Wolves AGAIN!

Rödluvan: Hihi. I, like Snövit, had the luxury of not running into Burning Souls when looking for Izual, who took a hell of a long time to hack apart. Further ahead lay the damned city. It was really damned because Telash died in a very stupid manner, cornered by Stygian Mothers nagging him to death. The state of the maintenance was really scandalous too. But there were some really impressive glass walls too that were so clean they were quite invisible. The only way to see them is to shoot something into them, like a magic arrow. The magic arrow explosion thing is really beautiful. Maybe if it could be made more orange it would be a good lamp. If you could stabilize that explosion effect and have it remain permanent you would have eternal light and energy maybe.

Maltatai: The Sanctuary version of the dream of a stable fusion reactor...

Rödluvan: There were also little bridges here and there in the city. I don't really know what they were for but I guess they had some use. It seemed superfluous though, because the chasm was covered with some invisible force field thing as you can see by the blood and corpse things not falling down into it but resting partially in thin air.

Maltatai: I think the bridges are part of the old balrog-centred defence policy.

Snövit: What?

Maltatai: The concept was that if you were beset by a balrog in a dark dungeon and came to a bridge, the balrog would gain extra powers and become capable of totally owning the entire adventuring party unless one of them collapsed the bridge and went down with it thanks to the whipping of the balrog.

Rödluvan: That's the silliest thing I've heard since your latest explanation of how the Swedish labour politics work. Even matching the defence policy. And balrogs with whips...ewwww!

Maltatai: Flaming, auto-targeting whips and flaming swords were standard equipment according to that ideology. It is outdated by now, since the balrogs are too feeble to pull off such feats alone nowadays.

Rödluvan: Now let's change the subject to something less repulsive...balrogs with flaming whips "shudder" NO! Must not think of it!

Maltatai: We move on to the amazing find of a Hel rune, lying right on the random ground. Funny thought; think how it would be if someone had to smash a soulstone of a Prime Evil to get such a lowly rune. What an anticlimax.

Snövit: SHUT UP! MOVING ON FURTHER IN THE PROGRAMME I stand here with Rödluvan who has recently smashed her way throught the River of Flame. Were there any particularly memorable moments of that journey, Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: After going down the stairs I intended to clear the tiny area to the right to avoid flank attacks later. This is usually a routine action that you can do half asleep. And since I mention that, that was of course not the case in my case. I faced two intermingled packs of Abyss Knights that totally outclassed my decoy and valkyrie. Hephasto was a scary one and I had to run away a lot. He had to run away as well but he was too stupid to realize that. Right next to the hellforge, an Act IV barbarian (lot's of muscle but little head) also known as an Urdar dropped...a Hellforge Plate.

Maltatai: Hehe. One of the most fitting pieces of loot ever, I think.

Rödluvan: It was not fitting! The whole thing was far too big and warm and clumsy. I prefer the mobility of light smoke leather.

Maltatai: No, fitting as in dropping then and there not in a fashion sense.

Rödluvan: Oh. That sort of makes sense. Further ahead I ran into, figuratively speaking, a true terror that was thankfully not on the screen when captured lest it would terrify everyone. A great, cursed Urdar immune to both left and right wing politics!

Snövit: Obviously a brutal dictator in training. Nice valkyrie by the way.

Rödluvan: Yes, yes. If carefully supervised, I suppose the state can enlist some private elements to carry out well defined tasks. Such as tanking Prime Evils that burn red enlightened mages in a second. The tax revenue was a disappointing collection of useless rare things.

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Maltatai: The Swedish governments have also done a lot of such privatising the latest decade. But the part with "carefully supervised" or even "supervised" seems to have slipped their minds, especially when it comes to medical care. The same appears to be true about the idea of selling state property things at a beneficial (for the seller) price rather than selling as fast as possible to privatise immediately for the sake of privatising. Perhaps these concepts, having rarely been grasped by politicians, had been left unused in a slimy storage area - like the Kurast Sewers for example - for so long that they were slippery and hard to grasp therefore. But the minds of most in a leading position in my world tend to be rather weak to start with so maybe they could not grasp very hard.

Snövit: Hmpf! Such irresponsible handling of valuable assets is bordering sacrilege.

Rödluvan: Pah! The failure of attention and responsibility is an insult to all responsible governing.

Maltatai: Now let's move on to more promising subjects. Like those cracks appearing in the wall...

Snövit and Rödluvan: WHERE!?

Waheed: Here, where I just happen to have mined for hours by now. Just saying...

Maltatai: Where's Telash?

Rödluvan: Probably down south by the magic shop.

Snövit: What's he doing there? He never needs mana potions.

Rödluvan: No, at least not for mana alone. Perhaps more as...ingredient.

Snövit: What are you...Telash and Jamella? Seriously?

Rödluvan: Sounded like that last evening.

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Snövit: Hahahahihihi! If only I could see Tyraels face if he knew!

Telash: So would I. I have a particularly evil lightning bolt with his name on. Practically locking in that poor girl in this lonely fortress.

Rödluvan: Back from the heavenly hostess. Underneath the spare parts of paladinly armour lurks a more assassin-like outfit, doesn't it? A slayer of mages, an inquisitorial hunter of the presumably corrupted and naughty spell casters...

Telash: Nah, she's not like that at all. But the assassin thing is quite hot. It must be the part of her that makes her so attracted to "bad boys", in this case mages like me.

Maltatai: Jamella is sort of like the Heaven equivalent of the Swedish Skogsrå, a fable creature lurking in woods and with a habit of luring the weak-minded into the forest to get lost. She takes the appearance of a girl with very long hair, covering her back which is in fact covered in bark like a tree, making her easily recognisable from other female stalkers crossing the wilderness without clothes. Don't know if there is an English counterpart, perhaps some sort of dryad? Likewise, Jamella hides under shining armour so bright it nearly blinds you but someone looking closely at her back will see a revealing black leather suit.

Telash: So Jamella's coming with us when we leave this place. No objections will be tolerated.

Rödluvan: As you would have it, Oh Mighty Iron Wolf.

Telash: ...

Snövit: How did you know Telash and Jamella were seeing each other. I mean other than seeing each other outside her shop? You're not rediscovering various bad habits I hope...

Rädluvan: Not guilty! SHAME on you for even thinking that I could lower myself to something like that!

Snövit: That imitated indignation convinces exactly no one present here, sweetheart.

Rödluvan: Well, well, if you nosy people must know it I was also making friends just across the street. Halbu's coming with us as well by the way... Some designs of chest and shoulder plate are quite a workout in itself to remove. The thought just crossed my mind. Speaking of nothing in particular.

Snlvit: Speaking of nothing in particular.

Rödluvan: ...

Snövit: Pfffhihiihihihi! "We are the collective. You will be aroused. Resistance is futile".

Rödluvan: It's "You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile"...oh, I see.

Maltatai: Oh, look! The wall is cracking!

Snövit: Charge!

Rödluvan: Onward!

Telash: Hells Spells coming at lightning speed!

Waheed: Damn! He's getting away! Quick! At the red portal!

Maltatai: Follow the thrilling continuation of the pursuit of the abominable angel in the next episode. Over and out.
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Episode 27. Rescue Rangers

Maltatai: "The first rule of Bow Club is: you do not talk about Bow Club. The second rule of Bow Club is: you do not talk about Bow Club. And the third rule of Bow Club is: you do not, ever, talk about Bow Club."

Snövit: Give me that!

Maltatai: What is this about? Bow Club?

Rödluvan: Just a free time project we started. Nothing you need concern yourself with.

Maltatai: I feel so included. It really lifts the spirits to be part of the team...

Snövit: We had to find something to do to pass the time when camping in this rickety small town. So we started an underground club for archery. The backward and undeveloped barbarian society is so barbaric they don't have archers and look down on archery. Very uncivilised but we managed to bring some order to it all and introduce the finer ways of gaining experience points.

Maltatai: I see. So, keeping with the underground warlike club thing, Rödluvan is like your other self? Tyler Durden style?

Snövit: Hmmm...

Rödluvan: Ehm, maybe, now that I think of it. But it's a secret.

Maltatai: In this episode we will take a look at the latest rescue operation made by the two teams. They have ventured down into the frozen river (where the water is actually not frozen but anyway) to search for Anya. The frozen river is of course one of the more dangerous places in the Act so we are all ears. What did you face and how did it go?

Rödluvan: Surprisingly enough we first faced the Bloody Foothills where both Telash and I tried to stay invisible and fade from sight...it didn't work. They saw right through us, so to say.

Maltatai: Pun festival imminent?

Snövit: You are usually much worse than that!

Maltatai: Hehe... It seems like no time since you were here last time, looting everything.

Rödluvan: We did some looting now too. I found two excellent charms, one keeping you warm and the other keeping you healthy and enlightened.

Snövit: I AM telling you that it's perfectly FINE if you secretly wish to be a lightning mage. Just tell us and be open with it.

Rödluvan: I do not! Shut up! The plains were home to the stereotypical main villain cronies (all muscle and no brains) also known as the maulers. One boss was of a particularly dreaded kind in ages past. Down in the Crystalline Passage I had to keep my instincts under careful control; NO touching of strange urns.

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Telash: She really has some sort of strange compulsive behaviour when it comes to dangerous urns and explosive fire shrines. Must be why she is so fond of explosives...

Rödluvan: Quiet! I am telling here! The caves were populated by red-haired flying nymphs that shot big balls at people.

Snövit: Watch the damned (To Anya)!
She's gonna break her free (hey)
No you can't stop her (Red bless ya)
She's coming to get you
While you shoot your

Balls to the walls, man...woman
Balls to the walls
You shoot your balls to the walls, demon
Balls to the walls!

Rödluvan: For being an interruption, that was almost accept-able. The Succubi suckers we met down there really make me mad. They just fly around in their silly skimpy underwear outfits all day trying to drain the life force and energy out of everyone they meet and...

Maltatai: Hehe.

Telash: Pfffhaha.

Snövit: "Giggle"

Rödluvan: What?

Maltatai: Someone moving around a lot, in a seemingly unpractical underwear-like outfit, does it sound like someone I know, perhaps? Maybe like someone that is equally busy after bedtime, bedtime referring in this particular time not to time for sleeping but rather bedding half the NPC population of Sanctuary and...

Rödluvan: No! They are not like me at all! Those redheads give redness a bad name!

Snövit: But you do drain a lot of energy from your victims - your leeching is fantastic. And you are pretty red-blooded and the quilted armour does not cover a great deal of the upper or lower body.

Rödluvan: Damn it! I don't leave my new friends drained of vital energies! Drained of energy - any time. But not vital energy and nothing a few hours, well days maybe, of rest won't fix. Now we move on to the tactical review of the Caves...

Telash: Oh, please, we have all heard it a hundred times at least! Allright, everyone at the same time: "the caves offer excellent sniping positions for archer characters who can stand on one side of the river and shoot at enemies on the other side. Amazons can also scout by shooting blindly into the darkness and see if they leech anything, thereby pinpointing in which direction the enemy is". The same thing over and over again!

Rödluvan: Hehehahaha...are we really that repetitive?

Snövit: But sniping is so much FUN!

Rödluvan: Speaking of repetitive...one time I was actually worried that Anya just for once would have ended up as the rest of the Barbarian population dragged away by Baals minions. I know it isn't very polite to say but from a distance they all look the same. Luckily that was not the case and everything went as well as last time. Anya left without a word this time as well. Some people never learn!

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Maltatai: Over to Snövit for whom the act is likely to have posed more difficult given the high amount of cold immunes one expects to find here.

Snövit: Nothing unbearable out in the plains. In some cases I could use the cliffs very effectively and get rid of the sharp teeth or whatever you would call the minions of Sharptooth. I wonder if he is their dentist? "shudder"

Maltatai: I have been thinking...

Rödluvan: Really?

Snövit: Oh my blueness, there are still miracles present in this age.

Maltatai: Kindly do not interrupt anymore, THANK YOU!

Rödluvan and Snövit: Hihi.

Maltatai: As I was saying before the recent immature outburst, I have been thinking about this thing with your armour, Snövit. Doesn't it get stuck at icy objects in this cold weather, being all plate and such?

Snövit: No, I run around too much. I have to spend an appalling amount of energy running back and forth to keep my careless minions out of harms way. I never stand in the same spot long enough to start freezing. One of the invading bosses feasting on spines was particularly dangerous for the fragile and feeble underlings of mine.

Waheed: Come on, I did a lot of damage occasionally.

Snövit: Yes, and if you actually could do it and survive as well you would be really dependable. "sigh" Alright, Waheed did his job well in some cases and maybe it's not really him I am angry with, more the great hype that exist about the town guards and how unbeatably awesome they are supposed to be. They are not! Perhaps they can wear more of the ultimate runewords and such that you can never collect unless you pass stuff from another character that has done hundreds of repetitive runs but for a less cheating character that actually works for her own equipment they are TROUBLESOME.

Maltatai: Your great idol had a lot of trouble with ghosts, gloams and succubi in the frozen river. How was yours?

Snövit: When I stepped down the passage we were attacked by a succubi pack shooting their balls from across the river to the east. They were mighty and very dangerous. Waheed, the by their beauty mightily blinded fool, stood on the river bank close to them and tried in vain to reach them. I did not even have time to shoot, I was too busy with making him get away from there. He died. Twice. It was the epitome of melee mercenary moronicness. Eventually I got them and them proceeded inwards. There were more and more succubi and serpents too. I hate serpents! I got tired of it all and left to invade another day.

On the second try I faced serpents again (!!!) and ice trolls, and gloams. Gloams, the dreaded enemy. HA! Fear the vigor of the thundergods thy meekly little puny things! They dealt hardly any damage! I owned them all. I actually met a conviction enchanted viper but no gloams of the same variety, luckily. And yes, the river is good for sniping, hehehe.

Telash: Get on with it!

Snövit: Yes, yes. We saw the abominable snowmen on the other side of the river eventually. They came at us not everyone at once due to the terrain and I slashed them with the fantastic Woestave. How I LOVE that weapon! After that, their cold immunity mattered little. Waheed became quite angry with Frozenstein for borrowing his aura. I was not too pleased with it either. It really slows you down to an annoying pace. Luckily we wont be seeing him again. Frozenstein, I mean, not Waheed. Just saying that if any of you thought I meant Waheed.

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Waheed: Ha. Ha. Uncoolness is congregating next to me.

Telash: Hehe...

Maltatai: On a happier note, it seems that Anya has as usual caught up with her sense of manners and gifted you with useless items as usual. Malah has outdone both Anya and herself with a third resistance scroll.

Rödluvan: Tremble before us, magic users!

Maltatai: But not only that, it seems that Anya has actually composed some sort of song to your honour.

Snövit: Yes, she seems insistent on appointing us the "Rescue Rangers" of Harrogath or something like that. She made some kind of poster where we are depicted as chipmunks too...

Rödluvan: I actually think that was kind of sweet. You are the serious chipmunk and I am the funny one with the red shirt.

Snövit: Not totally inapt, I must confess.


The Amazon Rescue Rangers Song

Some times, some crimes
Go slipping through the ice
But these four
On tour
To roast Baal with much spice
Will thrash through the cave
And gently save
All barb-y girls, just call

Röd-Röd-Röd-Rödluvan
- Rescue Ranger
Röd-Röd-Röd-Rödluvans
Flame is danger
To every icy beast
That freaks you out
And makes you want to scream and shout

Light strikes, bolts bite
The gleam of Crescent Moon
Means storm time
They're slime
Unless they are immune
When you need some help to light the cave
Telash will save the day

Snö-Snö-Snö-Snövit
- Rescue Ranger
Snö-Snö-Snö-Snövit
Is no stranger
To the freezing cold
That chills your heart
And makes all demons fall apart

Chill out - do no less
Wah-e-e-d has coolness
When he's around
The spear is never down

Bow-Bow-Bow-Bowazons
- Rescue Rangers
Bow-Bow-Bow-Bowazons
Brave the danger
Neither twinked nor aided
By the mod
That gives you rune words that seem odd

_____________________________

Big crowds - no trouble
There fl-i-i-es one double
Barrage so large
Their shafts blot out the sun

Snövit and Rödluvan
- Rescue Rangers
Snövit and Rödluvan
When there's danger
Both Deckard Cain and Anya
Can attest
That these two are the very best

Röd-Röd-Röd-Rödluvan
- Rescue Ranger
Snö-Snö-Snö-Snövit
- Rescue Ranger

Maltatai: Well done rescuing, both of you! Now the dangerous trail up to the summit lies before you where the climactic battle with the ever hated Ancients awaits. Over and out.
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Re: The misadventures of two untwinked bowazons - episode 1 der=0></if

Yay, another episode! I was wondering when you were going to update....
 
Episode 28. Endgame of the Thrones

Maltatai: At proverbial roads end the protagonists stand. Broken shafts and mutilated corpses litter the way through the fifteen acts up to the Arreat Summit. The two brave...well, somewhat motivated at least, teams prepare for the apocalyptic contest with the evil oldtimers. At the Frozen Tundra, the Red Team met with devastating taunting, worthy of a French garrison repelling coconut-equipped English knights. Not only once, but TWICE in the same area was the noble Iron Wolf mercilessly mocked!

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Rödluvan: First as a big oaf of a beast and then...a little orange imp. Pffffhihihi...

Telash: That was NOT FUNNY!

Rödluvan: ...hihihhahahaHAHAHAAA! An imp! A tiny, orange little mini-devil!

Maltatai: For everyone's information, the other two named enemies were two of the beasts that fought together at the same place. They were quite troublesome. Just like the imp must have been, being immune to lightning.

Telash: That joke was incredibly far-fetched! I am absolutely nothing like a tiny imp with an overgrown head!

Maltatai: Of course not. Now that I think of it, however, since we are approaching the end of this game which will hopefully take place at the Throne of Destruction, an imp wearing red would not be totally out of place...we already have two battle-hungry blonde knights (sort of), a fencing master teaching basic water-associated moves to his female student, and city guard/body guard causing his master so much trouble one sometimes wonder if he is worth the trouble.

Telash: But of course! We even have a faceless, "shifty" man from a land far away, don't we?

Maltatai: You mean one of those that state "all men must die"?

Telash: Eh... Hm. I think the phrase you are looking for is "all men must serve".

Rödluvan: Can we move on?

Maltatai: In a moment. I still think about this knight issue...we can't have two battle-crazy noble knights. Now I know! With that crown and red clothes...and the, hrrrm, colourful personality traits, you could be a royal blonde woman dressed in red allied with the im...shorter man also dressed in red. Closely connected but not always quite as friendly as one might expect...

Rödluvan: I AM NOT HER!!!!! Chose something else immediately for me or I shall make you fit for the role of "random person in dramatic introductory part"!

Maltatai: I shall think about it. I would not wish that to come to pass and as the old saying goes, "a lame sister always pays her debts". Or maybe it was "lard sister"? "Famed blister"? AHEM, anyway and as of now, I welcome you to the spectacular live reporting of the Whatever-the-clock News, broadcasting right from the Arreat Summit itseeeeelf!

And here we see the Red Flames Team emerging from the gate. Rödluvan opens a portal and is gathering potion after potion after potion and spreading them out in traditional manner. Now they seem ready. First roll. Extra fast and she rerolls! Next time andtherewecanseeacurseanditsrerollagain! New try and...what the heck happened to Telash? One-hit knock out? I'm sure nobody can blame Rödluvan for this reroll. She goes back to town to buy more portal scrolls...back again. New try. Extra fast again! She rerolls..and there it seems we have a doable combination!

Rödluvan is making for the edge of the summit followed by Telash and her somewhat slower valkyrie the old wise guys are on her tail but not literally and she turns and gets a few bolts off and score some hits which should slow the antiquities down and it seems like someone is coming alone who could it be it's Madawc the always-first-to-fall as usual he gets obsessed with hitting Rödluvan but she blocks his axes with one of those sturdy decoys and is even changing armour at this time and place and Madawc is gone! 1-0 to the Red Flames.

Here comes Korlic the jolly jumper now without lucky double-wielding ranged backup and he...jumps and I suppose everyone expected that just as much as they expected Rödluvans dodging and sidestepping and it seems we will see a lot more of that since Korlic is completely ignoring both mercenary, valkyrie and decoy and jumps at her time and again and it seems hopeless to try and get a clear shot at him Rödluvan switches to the tried old tactics of hacking the enemy apart with her axe and there she rips out the not-excactly-living daylight of him! 2-0 to the Red Flames.

And now they are trying to lure out Talic from the southern reaches of the summit and look at the enchantments it is... DIE DIE DIE! SMASH HIS FACE RÖDLUVAN! DOWN WITH THE CREEP! YES! TALIC THE EVER-CURSED IS GONE! VICTORY IS THE RED FLAMES!

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Snövit: I thought you once stated that you disliked the habit of sports reporters becoming personally engaged and shouting unheard encouragements instead of reporting sensibly.

Maltatai: Petty details as you like to point out so many times.

Snövit: Something tells me you have seen this particular kind of Talic before.

Maltatai: Are you joking? Stone skin/Fire Enchanted Talic has been a curse that has haunted more than half of all characters I have ever guardianed! He took two hours and fifteen minutes to beat with my first Amazon and slew the mercenary of my fire tree sorceress about two dozen times. Forever hated beyond all reasonability be he!

Rödluvan: Hello there. Has the editorial rant ceased? While you busied yourself with pointing out the disgustability of Talic I have cleared the World Stone keep. I found a great little charm, my last I guess, and a slightly less great enemy leader that exploded before being able to teleport next to me. Otherwise the keep had a disturbingly high quantity of fat demons with whips, one which had both conviction and fire enchantment. I also thwarted a stair trap at the last stair by using the Nadir helm, quite magnificently elegant of me I must say.

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Maltatai: I was not ranting, I merely answered Snövit's question! Besides, I'm pretty sure disgustability is not a real word...how did you manage clearing the whole keep in this short time by the way? Or is some of it left?

Rödluvan: I've always been quick... Yes it is all clear. Even the horrible corner to the southeast. That one will give me nightmares forever I fear. All had gone fairly smooth until I walked south and approached it. I was hit by a barrage of maybe five simultaneous lightning bolts! There were not only one but two intermingled boss packs in the corner, one with the might aura. I was less than a second from dying of all that lightning and had to burn purple potions like mad when running back. Only my highly trained reflexes saved me. I really should have scouted better.

After the burning souls backed up by witches the summoned minions of Baal the sneering snob were quite easy in comparison. The second wave was as often very time-consuming because there were three burning souls in the hall that got raised again and again. My mixed damage worked well when facing the venom lords and council members. Telash was of good use against the former. Not quite so good against Lister...how it must torment him, hehehe...

Telash: I don't believe it! "How it must torment him"? That has to be the lamest pun ever thought of in the history of wittiness!

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Rödluvan: Now shut up and get ready, we are going down! Down as in downstairs and into the portal.

Maltatai: Now let's see... There Rödluvan enters and she is making straight for Baal the Lord of Disgusting with the fiercely glowing strengthy kris in her hand in true Rödluvan style! Suddenly Rödluvan is switching to the axe and she hits him, that ought to slow the slimeball down, and appendages are everywhere and Baal seem to hit hard and fast even with the slowing applied!

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Now she is moving to the north of the chamber, Baal clones, she portals up and back again, more stabbing and decoys, NO! Telash falls to a surprise strike by the decoy! It looked like just one hit was enough! Rödluvan portals up and resurrects the now quite more angry mage and returns down to continue the battle from afar. Bolt after bolt is flying out with pyrotechnic messages...

The pillars are blocking the line of sight but THERE! BAAL IS FALLING APART! A VAST TRIUMPH FOR THE AMAZONIAN COLLECTIVE AND THE RED FLAMES! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

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Rödluvan: Rrrraaaagh!!! Die demon!

Telash: All shall tremble before the mighty magic of the Red party!

Snövit: You made it sweetheart!

Waheed: Cool battle.

Maltatai: An incredible performance! Please accept my most solidarical congratulations, Guardian Rödluvan!

Snövit: Waheed, up with you! Hostile takeover of the Arreat Summit awaits! Onward!

Maltatai: Learning from the slight oversights of Rödluvan, Snövit has remembered to buy extra arrows that she is scattering around the summit together with potions of both kinds. Now Guided Arrow will be put to the ultimate test. Is it good for more than picking off shamans in crowds?

There they come! Big and ugly and shining the ancients bear down on Snövit and Waheed and...don't seem to stand a chance to catch them. All ancients have taken at least one guided arrow from Snövit and coupled with Waheeds aura and her extreme speed this is turning into the greatest humiliation ever witnessed on this mountain! The valkyrie and Waheed are for the most part off-screen and not targeted by the old men, Waheed just adding his aura which is the ideal way of him to contribute - if only he acted like that at other times too! Snövit is turning and loosing arrow after arrow and she doesn't even seem to lose mana!

Snövit can not leech life but she can leech a bit of mana and it is evidently enough. The ancients are frozen and slowed and they fall! Only Talic is left! Snövit is switching to frozen arrows but that drain her mana rapidly and the effect seems hardly worth it, she is drinking two blue potions to sustain the barrage until switching back to the guided arrows... TALIC IS DOWN! NOT ONE BIT LIKE WHEN SNÖVITS IDOL FACED HIM! THIS IS INCREDIBLE BEYOND BELIEF! SNÖVIT DEFEATS THE ANCIENTS WITH NO CASUALTIES NEEDING ONLY ONE EXTRA QUIVER OF ARROWS AND TWO UNNECESSARY MANA POTIONS!

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Snövit: Muuuuahahahaha! Fear me, slug-brains!

Waheed: Chill out, boss.

Rödluvan: Sweetheart! Congratulations! "hugs and kisses Snövit"

Snövit: Mmfff! You're strangling me!

Rödluvan: Oh, ehm, just caught up in the moment.

"Rödluvan runs and does the same to Meshif and runs back"

Rödluvan: So! All even!

Meshif: The logic reason here being...?

Rödluvan: Now none of you can have any worries about your relationship being disturbed because I was equally friendly to both of you so I can't be said to steal one away from the other.

Snövit: Rödluvan, we trust you! You don't have to reassure the world that you are not a succubus all the time.

Maltatai: Do you have any comment after this fantastic perfo...

Snövit: Later! I must clear the Worldstone Keep! At LAST I won't have to wade in heaps of cold immunes any more!

Maltatai: Right. Ahem, where were we...ah, yes, there she is, running through the upper levels of the keep like an avalanche in plated form. Evidently nothing can stand against the mighty frost judging by the pools of melting ice on the floor...what was that? Gloams! Dealing...PATHETIC damage thanks to a certain vigorous belt, hehehehe. A bad day for most of the legendary feared enemies in this game. Now the Blue Snow Team is about to descend to the last level...Snövit is portaling back to don her Nadir cap to thwart stairtraps. It is ever a mystery to me how that cheap runeword isn't used by more people. Let's see what awaits down there...ha! Just some dark lords! What a feeble stairtrap.

Now the capitalistic companions continue northward among the socialistic surroundings. There is something bawling over there - Minotaurs! A pack of champions coming from the right and apparently a bosspack trailing them! Snövit retreats, with two champions on her tail. Despite slashing with the Woestave and retrieving Cleglaws Pincers for this moment it is a hard fight and Waheed is close to dying many times. After this concentrated difficulty the rest of the area is presenting quite the vacation in comparison.

Now Snövit stands before Baal the sneering. The first wave is easily handled but the second proves quite tedious. The skeletal mages are immune to cold and can't be shattered. Snövit retreats towards the corridor. The skeletons pursue and more and more leave the range of their unravelling overseers. Snövit steps forward into a gap in the lines and is immediately poisoned. Coughing she portals back to Malah and then returns. After more luring away of skeletons the Blue Snow Team can at last advance from the right side of the room and shoot down Achmel the Troublesome from outside the range of his venomous stench.

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Here comes the councillors, perhaps responsible for counselling Baal to send out all his minion waves one at a time instead of everything at once. Obviously they are of great use to him... Snövit makes fine use of guided arrows and her speed, Waheed is badly burnt of course, and the council members straying too close are frozen by the blue arrows. There goes Bartuc, and there the last council member. Meeting session is over for today. Now come the Ventriloquist Ventar and grunts without opening his mouth. The mighty demons smash the valkyrie and Snövit curses and portals up to get her summoning gear on. Back at the hall she holds her position and holds the enemy totally at bay with her freezing arrows! While boss enemies can not be frozen, apparently some of their body parts can, as Ventar shows. There comes a new valkyrie and the venom lords are gone!

Last wave, the dreaded minions of destruction. Snövit casts a decoy up ahead to draw them out of decrepifying range and they take the bait. Waheed and the valkyrie blocks, for once staying together and cooperating, as Snövit looses arrow after arrow and TOTALLY FREEZES THEM! All but Lister are rendered passive ice cubes! What a humiliating defeat for the minions of not-especially-much-destruction! Lister goes down and Snövit looks around at the spoils to see...bolts. Bolts and bolts and bolts and NO ARROWS AT ALL. Furious she returns to town to resupply.

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Snövit: Why is it always the same!? When you wield crossbows you get arrows and when you wield bows you get bolts!

Waheed: Be cool, boss. We can afford new quivers.

Snövit: It's not the price, it is the principle! Baal shall die for this!

Maltatai: Yes, I think that is the main idea here, somehow.

Snövit: ...

Maltatai: Just saying. I might be wrong, of course. It's a far-fetched guess, that's all. A...

Snövit: Quiet over there! Fetch me my kris and shield and put the bow in my stash!

Maltatai: Did I hear correctly? No bow?

Rödluvan: What's next? Larzuk saying something witty? Deckard Cain getting to the point quickly? Responsible financial policies in Europe?

Maltatai: There Snövit portals back and portals down. She rushes at Baal with glowing eyes and shield raised! Meshif is walking back and forth with anxiety, nearly tripping over his own feet...

Meshif: I am not! I merely dislike a sedentary lifestyle watching screens constantly. It's boring to do the same thing always.

Maltatai: Snövit is making short work of Baals defences with Inner Sight! What a successful new investment that has turned out to be! It seems to be superior to the maxed penetrate skill but perhaps it would have evened out if none of the protagonists had found an enchanting weapon. Snövit attacks fast! She stabs Baal time and again but he strikes back with vicius fury despite the slowing from a slash with the ever useful Woestave! Waheed and the valkyrie have caught up and the latter is nearly down!

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Snövit portals up several times now and Baal is draining her treasury steadily with his elemental attacks that Waheed of course has no sense to avoid. Snövit goes back to change to her bow again, Baal is now down below a quarter of his health! Snövit dodges and hides behind pillars, she snipes Baal with guided arrows which have little effect. Forgoing her usual style and grace, Snövit steps out and looses frozen arrows from a close distance! Baal teleports back towards the Worldstone with the Blue Snow team in hot pursuit...cold pursuit! The demon raises his arm and speaks a dreadful curse but he is interrupted by the shrill war cry of Snövit and a blue, icy arrow right in his mouth! Baal trembles and falls apart! He slides down the bridge and almost falls down into the archetypical abyss! VICTORY IS SNÖVITS! Wait, what is that? The roof opens and something glowing is descending. It is...that he has the guts to show up here after all!

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Snövit: RÖDLUVAN!

Rödluvan: ON MY WAY!

Tyrael: I am impressed, mortal. You have...what are you doing!?

Snövit: Aim!

Rödluvan: Loose arrows!

Maltatai: Tyrael has landed in front of the stone and the two Amazons are opening fire/cold at him! The arch-moron is hit by shaft after shaft and is pushed back further and further towards the Worldstone!

Tyrael: Cease! The power of heaven compels you!

Snövit: You scum! Your hubrid pride doomed the world twice! You tore me away from Meshif!

Tyrael: Insolent human! Do you even presume to grasp a sliver of the complex forces at work here? You can not even begin to understand the grave task I had to undertake for the sake of the world.

Rödluvan: You were just supposed to hit a freaking stone the size of a mountain covering half the room with your sword! And you could even have asked us for help! But oh, no, the big and mighty Tyrael will of course not deign to leave such tasks to mere humans! What, the next minute we might even realise we can manage on our own without being the pawns of Heavenly hypocrites!

Tyrael: Aaaaah!

Maltatai: THE ARCHANGEL IS PINNED AGAINST THE STONE! ARROW AFTER ARROW IS HAMMERING HIM EVEN DEEPER INTO IT! CRACKS ARE FORMING FROM THE CONSTANT POUNDING AND THE STONE IS GIVING IN! TYRAEL AND HIS SWORD IS SMASHING THE STONE PROPELLED BY AMAZONIAN ARROWS! WHAT A SIGHT!

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Rödluvan: That seems to have got the stone thoroughly. Or do you think you need to bash each fragment of the Worldstone against the angel as well to shatter it even more?

Tyrael: No! Uuuh...did anyone see the licence plate on that Star Destroyer that ran over me...

Snövit: I am unsure...I really would not want to part ways with Meshif a second time.

Maltatai: No, the job is done and the campaign is over. Unless you would one day like to hunt down Nihlatak in his disgusting temple. But as he can't do any harm from there, let alone get away with the vast chasm outside the door, it might be easier to just have Anya close the portal and let him rot in his exploded muck. You are both appointed Guardians of the World and will likely enjoy eternal fame.

Rödluvan: Meh...

Maltatai: And eternal free drinks, massive gold fortunes and masses of admirers clinging to you as a result of the fame.

Rödluvan: Now we're getting to the important part! All potions are on the house and all rogues are on me! ...Eh, what did I just say?

Snövit: The truth.

Telash: The whole truth.

Waheed: And nothing but the truth.

Maltatai: At least if you view the second part more as a forecast than as a statement of current events...I take it you will celebrate now in some way?

Snövit: Yes! And this time nothing shall be able to disturb our grand feast. Now let's get started with the cold drinks and Waheed, could you get that cart of spices and...

Rödluvan: Not even an hour of peacetime and she's turning into the matron of the entire Lycander.

Snövit: I am NOT! I just want the feast to be ready before the end of this year!

Rödluvan: I was joking! But it's not a coincidence that most aprons are white.

Snövit: And what is that supposed to mean?

Rödluvan: Just saying. As a matter of no particular fact.
Maltatai: Aaaah! Mush have break from this ceaseless bickering! Over and out!
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